Oscars 2011

I don't see a whole lot of movies, so I'm not totally sure why I watch the Academy Awards every year, but I do. That said, when I say "watch," I really mean "fast-forward though 80% of it." I don't care what the name of your third cousin is or who ponied up the cash for your movie. I think it was Roger Ebert who said that winners should be able to speak as long as they want, so long as they don't thank anyone. Agreed. The worst offenders actually pulled out slips of paper. Look, I get it, you don't want to forget anyone and have them resent you for leaving them out of your list of people. Best way to avoid leaving someone off the list? Don't have a list. As such, I only listened to a handful of speeches. As soon as it became clear that they were delving into a call sheet, I zipped on by. I even get that muppet song in my head when I'm doing it... Movin' right along in search of good times and good news...

Like I said, I don't see many movies, so I'm genuinely not all that invested in who wins. Of the best picture nominees, I've seen a total of one of them. It's an easy number to keep track of. I guess, if anything, the Oscars give me a reason to add to my Netflix queue (of course, that makes them numbers 137 and up on the list, so maybe I'll see them sometime this decade). Here are some other random thoughts on the proceedings, week-in-review style:

Most Appreciated Self-Referential Moment: Anne Hathaway noting to James Franco, “You look very appealing to the younger demographic as well.”
In a year where the announcement of the hosting duties left everyone scratching their heads and scrunching their brows, it was nice to see that they weren’t even going to pretend that this was a good choice. It served one (largely unsuccessful) purpose, and that was to draw in more, and younger, viewers. Based on the ratings, things seemed to be about on par with last year when we didn’t have two random actors thrown together onstage.

Best Oscar Host (of the two that were provided): Anne Hathaway
When I first heard that she and James Franco would be hosting, I was a little befuddled. It basically sounded like the organizers had simply drawn two names at random from the “Under 35” bin and called it a day. To my surprise, Anne was much more of a delight than anticipated. She genuinely seemed to be having fun and gave the proceedings an air of casual ease. She wouldn’t exactly be my choice in the future or anything, but she was charming and funny and even managed to cover for James Franco, whom I’m willing to wager was at least tipsy.

Worst Oscar Host (not just of the two that were provided): James Franco
He was mumbly, awkward, and unfunny from start to finish. It kind of felt like Anne was on a really bad date that should couldn’t escape from through the bathroom window, so she tried to make the most of it. His comedic timing was way off, and in spite of Anne’s best of efforts to salvage jokes, everything he was in charge of fell pretty flat. In that vein, Dear Academy, men in unconvincing drag stopped being funny about 50 years ago. Ugh. It reminded me of high school, where apparently the height of humor is the football players dressing up as the cheerleaders. Wasn’t funny then, isn’t funny now. And anything that manages to remind me of high school automatically puts you on my bad list.

Best Performance By A Nonagenarian: Kirk Douglas
Sure his words were barely intelligible, he needed a cane holder, he helped lengthen an already interminable awards show, and he clearly had at least one foot in the grave, but he was still more entertaining and charming than James Franco. Melissa Leo’s reaction helped sell the bit. “You’re looking pretty good, too. What are you doing later?” Having a sponge bath and a tall glass of prune juice, I’m guessing… (And yes, I had to look up what comes after "octogenarian.")

Best Presenter: Sandra Bullock
She’s had a colossally bad year (I half expected the “In Memoriam” to include “Sandra Bullock’s Personal Life”), so to see her back on stage, looking stunning in that red dress, and presenting the Oscar with as much charm and warmth as she did was just lovely to see. Welcome back, dear. We’ve missed you.

Best Dressed (Overall): Gwyneth Paltrow
As much as it pains me to throw praise in her direction, she looked amazing in that slinky metallic grown (that she wore on the red carpet, not the one she performed in). It looked effortless, interesting, unique, and comfortable (a bunch of qualities that I don’t generally associated with Gwyneth, so the dress had to work overtime).

Best Dressed (Bun-in-the-Oven Division): Natalie Portman
It was a nice dress and all, but that it somehow managed to make her look only 6 months pregnant instead of 17 (based on how she looked last month, I feared the worst), this dress gets bumped into the upper echelon of fashion (and actual magic, near as I can tell). Most impressive.

Worst Dressed (Among So Many Other Worsts): Scarlett Johannson
Some may cry foul, saying that Cate Blanchett’s dress was worse, but I look at the total package. Cate is a tremendous actress who gave a funny and hilariously honest presentation (quipping at The Wolfman’s make-up nomination, “That’s gross,” which in that field is apparently code for “we have a winner”) who wore a quirky and interesting (if a bit ugly) dress, whereas Scarlett is a horrendous actress, a total bore, and a terrible presenter who wore a dress that’s ugly and dull. She is just awful. In everything.

Weirdest Trend: Ill-fitting Suits
Speaking of worst dressed, was there a sale of bad suits that I was not made aware of? Apparently they’re selling like hotcakes, because even the hottest men in Hollywood somehow managed to look completely awful. Jude Law’s tux looked about two sizes too small and I honestly couldn’t tell if the white tuxedos were a joke…

Person I’m Gladdest Won: Aaron Sorkin
In all honesty, I haven’t seen The Social Network yet, but I’m a Sorkin fan through-and-through. He’s all about dialogue, and that speaks to me on more than just a literal level. Even just from the clips I’ve seen of the film, it’s delightfully apparent that his razor-sharp wit and cerebral approach are present. He doesn’t dumb down his writing or appeal to the lowest common denominator. Indeed, if he has one failing, it’s knowing just how brilliant he is. His acceptance speech included more than a few thank-yous, but it also included a lot of humor and perspective. That I can handle.

Cutest Acceptance Speech: Luke Matheny for his live action short film God of Love
He was disarming and adorable and managed to be one of the few speeches I actually listened to. I love that his mom provided craft service for the film and that she got the much-deserved shout-out. And, although I’m far from a romantic, closing his speech with a love letter to his composer and the love of his life was pretty damn sweet and even elicited an uncontrollable “awww” from the audience. Especially given the cupid-y theme of his movie. How do you break up with a guy after that?

Biggest Surprise: Umm… That there weren’t any?
Seriously, the look on the favorite's face when the random underdog (*cough* Marissa Tomei *cough*) beats them is one of the biggest draws of the show. This year? No dice.

Cheesiest Time Suck: I’m sorry, why are there a bunch of kids in unfortunately colored T-shirts singing?
Heartwarming? No. Time waste-y? Yes. Seriously, I’d rather listen to people read names off scraps of paper, er… continue to listen to people read names off scraps of paper…

All in all, I'd say the best part of the evening was another Modern Family Oscar promo:



And in case you missed last year's:

Week-In-Review 2.3

I didn't have the time this week to review the new shows in depth and in their own posts, so I've simply included some little nuggets below. The third week of the month is always super-busy for me and I simply couldn't bring myself to trying any harder than this. There really wasn't anything concrete to latch onto with Mr. Sunshine, Mad Love, or Crinimal Minds: Suspect Behavior anyways. On with the show!

Lowest Blow: Shameless
This is a show with a lot of low blows, several in the last episode alone, so the bar is set pretty high, er, low... This episode featured Carl (easily the most expendable kid in the family) hitting a high school jock in the knee after he’d already surrendered (he had already had his SAT scores invalidated, so taking out his knee basically ruined his only chance), so on any other day, that would have been the lowest blow, but not this time. After more than two decades of neglecting his children, never engaging in any parental duties or attending the school’s Parents’ Night even once for any of his kids (even when the stakes are high enough that one of them is going to be expelled), it’s revealed that he attended Parents’ Night as Karen’s “Daddy Frank.” The real heartbreaker was watching the younger kids who didn’t immediately understand the implications of Frank showing up to Parents’ Night for someone else’s kid. Man alive, listening to the little kids say that they wanted to go say “Hi” to daddy while Fiona and Lip are devastated was pretty gut-wrenching. Never once did he show up for them, but he shows up for a neighbor. Ouch.

Fewest Awards Given at an Awards Show: The Grammys
I have honestly never watched the Grammys before (music isn’t really my thing), but I figured I’d give it a chance on a slow night (plus, my brother and sister-in-law were in attendance, so I cared more). I should have just watched the TLC docu-soap The Queen instead. Not only was it boring as all get out, but I was under the apparently incorrect assumption that awards would be given out. Seriously, 3 ½ hours, and I think there were maybe 5 awards? Is that the norm? Don’t get me wrong, no one wants to hear acceptance speeches, but it seemed really odd to me. And didn’t half those songs come out like 3 years ago? Seriously, none of what was nominated seemed at all recent. It was like there were nothing but Temple Grandins… I fast-forwarded through probably 95% of the show and I don’t think I missed anything… except maybe a bunch of crap I probably wanted to miss… Speaking of which, I have never even heard of Esperanza whatever-her-name-was, but seeing anyone else on the planet win Best New Artist besides Justin Bieber kind of makes her my hero. I'm feeling a sudden urge to purchase whatever kind of music it is that she makes...

Most Logical Course of Events: Scheduling the thousand-year-old Rolling Stones performance right after the “In Memoriam” montage on the Grammys
That was after the “In Memoriam,” right?

Most Unwittingly Prohibitive Element of a New Show: The main characters on new CBS comedy Mad Love are named Ben and Kate.
I just… I can’t. I realize there’s no way that the writers of the show could know that I already get to watch the relationship woes of my own real-life Ben and Kate (hi guys!), but I just don’t think I can watch the fiction version as well. Too weird. On a semi-related note, is there some new requirement where shows simply must have a Kate? It’s a fine name, to be sure, but I think there’s at least one on 80% of the shows I watch. Anyway, I don’t think cutting Mad Love from my list is too much of a loss. It was by no means the worst pilot I’ve seen, but it didn’t really grab me either. Mad Love is basically How I Met Your Mother minus Marshall, and I already watch HIMYM, so I think that quota has officially been filled. Seriously, it was shockingly similar. Which, dear writers, if you had any chance of avoiding constant comparisons to HIMYM, maybe you shouldn’t have cast Sarah Chalke in the lead (you know, what with her being the probable mother for like 2 entire seasons).

Nastiest Piece of Work: Alderman Gibbons on The Chicago Code
This guy is cold and twisted and manipulative as hell… and I’m lovin’ it.

Best Backstory: Little Ricky Castle
Erring on the lighter, more comedic side of the crime procedural genre, we don’t often get a ton of backstory for the characters on Castle, and when we do, it’s almost always for Beckett. As such, it was incredibly nice to get some depth on Castle himself this week. He’s the lovable goofball most of the time, but Beckett wouldn’t have kept him around this long for amusement alone, and now we get to see where some of his range comes from. It also served as a motivation for his unyielding dedication to his friend, even going so far as to fight with Beckett. This isn’t just some random friend; this guy made Castle the man his is today (and saved him from being a lawyer). Sooo… in spite of all the murder and whatnot, I say god bless him. (That was a nice twist at the end with the reveal that he actually had killed his father after all. Didn’t see that coming.)

Most Disappointing Man vs. Machine Competition: Jeopardy!
When I first heard that Ken Jennings and Brad what’s-his-name would be competing against an IBM computer, I was intrigued to see if the computer could really ascertain the meaning of the questions and respond. Well, turns out it can most of the time, which is impressive, but the actual competition was frustrating as hell. It’s not so much a matter of who’s smarter, or can a computer answer these kinds of questions better than a human, it’s basically proving that computers can ring in faster than humans. Well, no shit! Of course it can. Geez, the looks on the two guys’ faces expressed my annoyance as a viewer.

Person Most in Need of a Brad Falchuk Episode of Glee: Yeah, that would be me.
Really? An Ian Brennan episode, then two Ryan Murphy episodes? I thought this week would be a Brad Falchuk! I was utterly crestfallen when I saw the writing credit a few minutes in. Don’t get me wrong, Murphy’s episodes are better than Brennan’s, but at this point, I need more. I was going to label this under “biggest Glee disappointment of the week,” but that contest just got entirely too crowded. If I don’t get a stellar episode soon, I might just be done with the show.

Only Truly Redeeming Element of This Week’s Episode of Glee: Rent
Good lord, that was a truly unfortunate array of songs this week. I fully admit that I fast-forwarded through most of them. Oh how I wish they would stick to show tunes. The Rachel/Mercedes Rent duet to Take Me or Leave Me was awesome. Even better? Rachel’s mother, aka Idina Menzel, sang Rachel’s part in the original broadway cast. Double awesome. It almost makes up for the horrendousness of the Bieber crap and I Know What Boys Like (a song which I didn’t think could possibly get worse than the original version). I actually enjoy Sing by My Chemical Romance quite a bit, but it just didn’t feel right here (especially with Finn in the lead—could he please get kicked off the show? Or go mute?). I’m pretty surprised My Chemical Romance even let Glee have the rights to it. Street cred? What street cred? Also, did I fast-forward through the part that explained why they were dressed like lumberjacks? I must have…

Sexiest EV-RY-THING: Kalinda on The Good Wife
It kills me that more people aren’t watching The Good Wife. This show just keeps getting better and better. At the very center of the awesomeness? Kalinda Sharma (if that is her real name, and I think we all know that it isn’t). Okay, I thought that scene between her and the FBI woman was hot, but then she and Blake strip searched each other (among other things) and I saw just how tame the previous scene had been. I have always loved the dynamic between Blake and Kalinda and this week it came to a… climax? Sure, why not. There’s a sense to danger and total manipulation in every scene they’re in and here it ended up with a baseball bat to Blake’s ribs. Kalinda may have reduced Blake to a gasping heap on the floor, but his revelation that he had “phoned” her husband was even more of a blow, methinks. Husband?! Holy shit! If that weren’t enough on the sexy Kalinda scale, her relationship with Cary just gets more and more fabulous. They hardly had any time together this week, but their mutual respect, sexual chemistry, and affection were utterly apparent. The look on Cary’s face when he called “Miss Sharma” into his office so that his investigator friend could question her was classic. I also appreciated that at various points during the episode, someone called Kalinda his girlfriend and Blake called Cary her boyfriend. Actually, I think that was Blake for both… Final Kalinda revelation of the evening? She’s officially bisexual. It’s what I had always assumed, but never had confirmation.

Thing I Never Would Have Notice If People Hadn’t Pointed it Out: “Phoned” on The Good Wife
I’ve seen every episode of this show and had never noticed that they say “phoned” instead of “called” until someone mentioned it online. Now I can’t not notice it. Thanks a million, random online person. Apparently the regional colloquialisms of the showrunners’ hometown tend toward using “phoned” rather than the more common verbs. Whatever the reason, it sticks out like a sore thumb now, and… it just occurred to me that I have just done to everyone who reads this blog what was done to me... Sorry about that. Now we can all notice it together. Drinking game, anyone?

Best Reason to Lie: Will on The Good Wife
Sorry, last Good Wife award, I promise. I know people were bummed that Alicia finally asked him about the phone call and he lied about it, but really, people, what would you have done? What message did I leave ages ago? Well, I poured my heart out, declared my love, then thought you had rejected me fully, so I forced myself to get a new girlfriend that no one likes… but, now that you ask, wanna make out? Yeah, no. He had to lie, people. I certainly would have.

Most Underwhelming Return of a “Friend”: Mr. Sunshine
I like Matthew Perry well enough, but his new show ain’t so sunny… It’s a shame really, because it has a stellar cast. It just doesn’t seem to have any plot or actual humor—which is kind of a problem for a comedy. The whole thing was basically one lame set-up after another for Perry to snarkily comment on. Um, yay?

Sharpest Shooter: Tim Gutterson on Justified
His character was a sniper with the military (I believe he was with the Rangers), and it's clear to see. This show does an amazing job of infusing the deliberate pace with some truly shocking events. It's amazing how good Raylan is at manipulating bad guys... even convincing them to peek out from behind their cover to see Tim... who summarily shoots him between the eyes. Wowzers/yikes.

Best Reason to Read the Effing Directions: The Vampire Diaries
Seriously people? You’re trying to kill the unkillable, you have a manual telling you how to do so, and it didn’t occur to you to read the instructions in full before proceeding?! Oh, for hell’s sake. Don’t get me wrong, it made for an especially exciting and twisty episode, what with having to kill Elijah several times, but honestly, Elena, try finishing the page next time.

Most Welcomed Return: Katherine on The Vampire Diaries
I kinda sorta adore Katherine and it’s about damn time she made it out of the tomb. Elena is as bland as it gets, so it’ll be nice for Nina Dobrev to have something to do other than pout.

Most Sub-Par Spin-Off: Criminal Minds: Suspect Behavior
I had never realized just what a tenuous success the original version was. Apparently, if you take the exact same show, but swap out most of the characters, you’re left with an ersatz cheesefest that was surprisingly boring. The original version works well because of the character dynamics, the direction, the injections of levity, the overall style, and the professionalism. Remove all those elements and you get the spin-off before you. The characters were mostly boring and formulaic. Forrest Whitaker heads this “Red Cell” branch of the BAU and brings very little to the role. I didn’t find him interesting, commanding, or capable of leading anyone. He also sounded like he was suffering from congestive heart failure for the better part of the episode, which made it even harder to believe him as the dynamic leader of the group. Mandy Patinkin brought so so much to the table with the early seasons of Criminal Minds, and here, Whitaker just bored me to tears. What’s worse, his supporting players were just as unengaging. I’ve always been a fan of Jeanine Garafalo, and she was certainly one of the better aspects here, but she still fell a bit flat for me. On top of it all, this show had an eye-rolling about of grandstanding and soapboxing about trust and justice and blah, blah, blah. One the most compelling aspects of the original is that they let the events speak for themselves. I don’t need someone to tell me that these unsubs are horrendous monsters, but Suspect Behavior sure seems to think we do. Maybe it’s simply that I’ve seen too many episodes of the original to take a spin-off seriously. They have the exact same job. It’s hardly even a spin-off. The only ways in which they reinvented the wheel here was to make things worse. This is area that has been covered so many times on the original that there’s hardly room to grow. The original crew has solved just about every conceivable case at this point, and it getting tired in its own right. A spin-off was unnecessary and nigh impossible to do right. Case in point, the case-of-the-week for the Suspect Behavior pilot was beyond lame. The original could get away with something like this because they’ve already covered so much ground, but with these new people, I was rolling my eyes. Also, having seen so many of these, there are very few surprises these days. Little blonde girl goes missing… my first thought? The unsub is a white male in his thirties with a large vehicle. After more info is revealed about his pattern? Well, he must be using these girls as a surrogate for someone he lost. This is not my first rodeo. It’s no viewer’s first rodeo. After this long, it’s the characters that keep a show going, and Suspect Behavior didn’t have anyone I liked (or at least they weren’t showcased in a way that made me want to care about them). I’d recommend sticking with the original. Suspect Behavior wasn’t the worst pilot I’ve ever seen or anything, but it’s inferior to the original in basically every way. Also, it has 100% less Dr. Reid, so really, what’s the point?

Best Reconciliation: Michael and Nikita
Man alive, I was wondering when he’d finally forgive her for that Uzbekistan episode, and now we seem to be there. Watching them work together is one of the best parts of the show, so having him hate her with a passion threw a bit of a wrench into the works (or a claymore, as it were).

**Quotes of the Week**

“You can’t beat karate when it comes to regulated, sanctioned violence for children.”
--Debbie, who seems to be the bearer of most of the great one-liners on Shameless. Now if we could only get rid of Carl, the cause of this particular one-liner, the show would be all the better for it. Get rid of Frank, too. You know, while you’re at it.

“She says she wants a gift that says, ‘I love you,” but nothing that says, 'I love your more than life itself, please don’t leave me or I may die.’”
--Castle, summing up Alexis’ gift-giving conundrum. It’s a delicate balance each Valentine’s shopper aims for, but few succeed. You see, that’s why you simply have no life. No one to shop for = No chance of a social faux pas.

Will: “Who can tell us what an anthem is?”
Brittany: “The bottom of an ant’s pants.”
Will: “So close.”
--Glee, placing the comedic weight squarely on Brittany’s shoulders more and more often.

“Who is Bram Stoker. (I, for one, welcome our new computer overlords.)”
--Ken Jennings, summing up what the audience at home was thinking throughout the entire IBM Jeopardy challenge with a Simpsons reference in his final answer. Nice.

Mitchell: “Well, also, it’s a princess theme party, so I guess you just don’t respect party themes.”
Cam: “You did not just say that!”
Mitchell: “I’m sorry, that was crossing the line.”
Cam: “Yes, it was.”
--Modern Family

“That’d be a neat trick, escaping the past.”
--Helen on Justified, who clearly watches the show she’s in.

“Me and Abed have an agreement. If one of us dies, we stage it to look like a suicide caused by the unjust cancellation of Firefly. We’re gonna get that show back on the air, buddy!”
--Troy on Community, with probably the best death plan ever conceived by anyone in the history of the world. I think all Whedonverse fans were like, “Why didn’t I think of that!?” I’m glad we’re all on the same page now.

“Yes. Yes. I would examine very closely Fox’s reasoning — I’m a little gun-shy. If I got $300 million from the California Lottery, the first thing I would do is buy the rights to Firefly, make it own my own, and distribute it on the Internet.”
--Nathan Fillion, responding to the question: If Castle had its series finale tomorrow and Fox said to you and Joss: “We screwed up, let’s try doing Firefly again.” Would you do it? Good answer, Mal. Actually, incredibly cruel answer, Mal. Way to get our hopes up with the best plan ever. Maybe Troy and Abed can help…

“Yes, I'm guilty, lawyer man. You found it. Malice. This whole movie was my attempt at getting back at the Internet. Take that, Internet.”
--A fictional screenwriter on The Good Wife, defending his Social Network-esque script.

“I for one hope GLEE's meticulously crafted storylines won't suffer as a result of FX picking up a new drama from Ryan Murphy #sarcasm”
-- theTVaddict, via twitter, expressing my thought exactly regarding Ryan Murphy’s new project. Usually when a showrunner takes on a new show, the old one suffers, but with Glee? I’m not sure that’s even possible from a narrative standpoint… I’m much more afraid of The Vampire Diaries’ showrunners picking up a new series…

“Set phasers to LOVE ME!”
--Troy on Community, once again, expressing his desperation to gain LeVar Burton’s approval with the funniest line I’ve heard in ages. I’m giggling just thinking about it.

“You want it? Take it. It’s yours. And after what you did to Damon, you’re gonna need it more than me.”
--Alaric on The Vampire Diaries, requeathing his ring-of-no-dying back to John, with one tinsy weensy caveat.

“Nerds like rejection. See, their thinking is, if she’s interested in you, there must be something wrong with her.”
--Birkoff, on Nikita. Well, that explains a lot about my high school dating record...

Week-In-Review 2.1

It has become apparent that I need to somehow label these so that I can keep them straight. I'm going to employ a system that I know all to well, the season.episode format, only now with month.week. Here we go!

Most Unexpected Memory Trigger: Betty White at the SAG awards, if you can believe it…
As happy as I was to see 89 year old Betty White take home the statue (even if she actually won for outstanding achievement in the field of still being alive), it also triggered one of those lightning-fast recollections of a dream that I had totally forgotten about. For some reason, I was riding in the backseat of a car (one of those old people cars—you know, the size of a catamaran, all in maroon) with someone I can’t remember and Betty was driving. When I say “driving,” I mean “racing down the freeway like a maniac.” I kept screaming for Betty to stop the car, but she wouldn’t. Then the cops pulled up beside us, sirens blaring, trying to get her to stop. Still no luck. I kept looking over at the cops with a look of “I don’t know what to do” because it was really important to me at the time that they know that I was not in cahoots with Betty White. I seem to recall Betty driving off the road into a ditch after that, much to everyone’s relief. That maniac Betty White would no longer be terrorizing the good people of whatever fictional town my brain had come up with. What this all could mean, I have no idea… If there are any Freudians or dream analysts out there, Merry Christmas.

Best Absence: Al Pacino wins at the SAG awards, but mercifully isn’t there to accept.
Not having to listen to another interminable “speech” from Al Pacino means we’re all winners.

Most Convenient Casting: Paz de la Huerta
Apparently the casting director for Boardwalk Empire wasn’t taking too big of a leap in casting Paz de la Huerta as a half-conscious, grating, incoherent dingbat, as confirmed at the SAG awards. And here all this time I was just hoping she was one hell of a convincing actress. As it turns out, no acting required. In related news, put… the bronzer… down!

Longest Divorce: Chuck
Hot on the heels of its dubious distinction as the “least tempting show saved on my DVR,” I’ve finally, finally, FINALLY broken things off for good. In light of hardly anything being new last night, I started watching one of the saved episodes. After about five minutes, I could hear Jessica Lovejoy’s voice in my head with a plaintive, “Bored now,” and called it quits. Officially. The series has been canceled from my DVR list and all saved episodes have been deleted. If precedent serves, this means the show will now get insanely awesome again, so if you’re sticking with it, you’re welcome.

Most Unhatable Villain: Lie to Me’s baddie-of-the-week
Okay, I realize that the delectable Ashton Holmes (the late great Thom from Nikita) was actually a brutal murderer on last night’s episode of Lie to Me, but I have so many warm and fuzzy feelings about him from his stint on Nikita that I spent the entire episode hoping to hell he got away with it. It wasn’t all that long ago that he got killed (the wound is still a bit fresh in my mind), so it sure was nice to see him crop up on another show (quite frankly, a show that can use all the help it can get). Here’s hoping he lands a regular gig on something worth watching (which is code for, something on cable—ooh! Justified! Please?).

Best Casting News: Kristen Bell in Showtime's House of Lies, a role that might not totally suck.
I think we can all agree that most of her career moves have been more heartbreaking than uplifting. Post Veronica Mars, it’s been pretty painful to watch our darling Veronica in one craptastic romantic comedy after another. Here’s hoping her return to the small screen yields watchable results. Showtime has a pretty good track record, so at least there’s a chance. Kristen really deserves more than just a supporting role, but hey, I’d rather see her play second fiddle on a show that’s good than headline something as horrendous as When in Rome. Oh, wait…

Most Tantalizing Tidbit: Neal Caffrey’s father was a cop!
Can I just say, White Collar took a while to really find solid ground, but now that it’s there, it has become one of my favorite hours of television each week. Maybe it’s that the writers really feel like they know their characters now, or that the network is in full support of the show, or maybe it’s that they finally killed off Kate ("I’ll take Kate Getting Killed for 500, Alex."), but whatever is going on, it’s working. After last week’s flashback episode, I had feared that they would withhold any additional information about Neal’s past until some sort of finale or premiere (which don’t get me wrong, on USA, that’s about all there is), but I was pleasantly surprised to get some tantalizing information about Neal’s real past, not just his criminal past. I love that Neal’s father was a cop. The vibe between Neal and Peter has always had a bit of a father-son vibe to it, so making Neal’s actual father a cop just adds to that. The fact that his father was never around when he was a kid (and was apparently a dirty cop) also gives their vibe a shot in the arm. I thought it was really interesting when Neal said that he learned a lot about guns trying to be like his father, given the fact that it’s been established that Neal hates guns. His relationship with his father (or lack thereof), has helped mold Neal into the man he is today, and essentially Peter is stepping in where his father never did. Neal’s mother claims that his father died when he was a toddler, but I think we all know that he isn’t dead. With the Kate mystery starting to wind down with the revelation of Adler, I’m happy to see them sparking new ones. The actual chronology of events and the veracity of everything Neal told Peter is still up for grabs, but whatever the case may be, I’m thrilled to finally get some basic information about who Neal is and where he came from. I’m secretly hoping there are some siblings out there to be found as well…

Best Showdown: Cary vs Blake on The Good Wife

Second Best Showdown: Eli vs Becca on The Good Wife

Third Best Showdown: Alicia vs Wendy Scott-Carr on, wait for it, The Good Wife

Most Showdowns: Homekeepers with Arthelene Rippy
Or was it The Good Wife? Yeah, in case you hadn’t noticed a pattern here, The Good Wife had kind of an intense week… Homekeepers is really more about passive-aggressive power-plays than showdowns. No really, I’m serious. If you watch The Soup, you know what I mean.

Bloodiest Backfire: Being Human
While it can’t quite hold a candle to the UK original, the US version is well-done and entertaining. And pretty bleak, at times. I had a feeling Aidan’s attempts to glamour that guy wouldn’t end well, but I didn’t expect the guy to kill himself. When Bishop handed Aidan that envelope, I thought of several possibilities for what could be in there, but bloody suicide photos was not at the top of the list. Ouch. Poor Aidan. That’s rough, bro.

Best Shower: One that has Ian Somerhalder in it...
Kudos, Vampire Diaries. Kudos. Ian is also sitting in the "Best Bathtub" category. Man, that was a really good episode, wasn't it?

Sorest Loser with the Most Pathetic Pasta: Mike Isabella on Top Chef
Mike, it’s one thing to be disappointed that you didn’t win, it’s quite another to bitch and moan that Antonia’s dish was “really easy” when all you had to do was make pasta. And you couldn’t. That’s right, jackass, she didn’t beat you with some fantabulous dish. Nope, all she had to do was make something properly and it blew your hard, crunchy, “un-done-te” pasta out of the water. Seriously, I can’t believe he had the gall to call her out for making something simple. Dear Mike, I can’t steam mussels, but I can boil water and dump pasta in, thanks. Bastard. Mike, if you want to beat Antonia, might I make a suggestion?

Best Episode Cliffhanger (muahahahaha division): The Vampire Diaries
I don’t know about you, but I kinda can’t wait for Katherine to get out of the tomb. Did I think for even a minute that it would be Uncle John to get her out? Not a chance. The vampire/werewolf war that’s brewing needs all the badass vampires it can get. There will be blood. Well, more blood.

Best Episode Cliffhanger (ruh-ruh division): Nikita
It doesn’t come as a total surprise that Michael is starting to put the pieces together on Nikita, but that doesn’t make it any less foreboding. His reaction to Nikita outside the museum, however, makes me think that most of his blustering is pure bravado and that he’s isn’t as angry as he claims. I’m loving this show and I can’t wait to see how this one plays out. In other news, uh, Alex? Could you at least try to look like you’re actually capable of subduing a room full of hostages? And couldn’t the show have included at least one other woman in that group? She stuck out like a tiny, teenage thumb.

Quotes of the Week:

Lip: “Debs, was he inside or outside the yard when you grabbed him?”
Debbie: “Inside.”
Lip: “Okay… So, how’d you get him out?”
Debbie: “I waved a Snickers bar at him.”
--Lip trying to figure out just how Debbie stole a 2-year-old from a birthday party and exactly how much trouble she’ll be in on Shameless. It was Debbie’s zealous reading of “Snickers bar” that really sold the line.

“Tell me about your mother. Did she wear hats?”
--Peter, on White Collar, trying to pin down absolutely anything regarding Neal’s dubious personal history, whether sartorial or otherwise.

“This looks like something you’d find at the steam table at your worst enemy’s wedding.”
--Anthony Bourdain (aka the best addition to the show in ages), regarding Mike’s pathetic pasta on Top Chef. Sooo, you’re saying we’re at Mike’s wedding?

Eli: “How is it that I can manage aldermen, judges, and yet I still seem to have this ridiculous little mean girl thorn in my shoe?”
Becca: “Maybe your secretly in love.”
--One of many showdowns in The Good Wife this week. Apparently Eli didn’t watch enough Gossip Girl or he would have seen this coming a mile away. Not that he wasn’t prepared. I think we can all agree that when it comes to politics, Eli is the meanest mean girl in town.

Cary: “You just got my only eyewitness kicked and you want my help?”
Kalinda: “Yeah.”
--Oh, Cary, we all know she does and we all know you will. So would we.

“It’ll murder those fine lines and wrinkles right off your face.”
--Danielle Fishel on The Dish, regarding the Rejuvenique beauty mask.

Damon: “He’s a werewolf. He needs to die. I’m willing to kill. It’s a win-win.”
Elena: "Damon, please. Too many people are dead.”
Damon: “You need to stop doing that.”
Elena: “Doing what?”
Damon: “Assuming that I’ll play the good guy because it’s you who’s asking.”
--The Vampire Diaries. Something wicked this way comes, and he has fabulous blue eyes.

“For reasons that should be obvious, Pierce the Insensitive, known also as Pierce the Dickish and Grandpa the Flatulent, was not invited.”
--Lord of the Rings-y narrator of Community’s Dungeons & Dragons send-up of Pierce.

Week-In-Review

I honestly thought it was going to be more difficult than this to come up with random thoughts for my weekly round-up... When I stole this feature from all those other sites, I assumed they actually had to work at it, but it's actually a little too easy... (This is all code for: Sorry for the length... this sucker got away from me.)

Worst Tech: Chuck
I’m sorry, but who the hell puts a beeping sound on their spy gear? People who want to get their agents killed in a wine cellar, that’s who. Really, it didn’t occur to anyone in the tech department to add a vibrate feature to their microchip detector thingamajig (because spies never need to sneak around or anything)? But if it doesn’t beep at them when they get closer, how will they know they’re in proximity?! A swift bullet to the head my give them a clue…

Best Accident: How I Met Your Mother
Although I totally saw the pocket dial coming when Marshall said he had a voicemail from his dad, it was still a happy accident and the least annoying instance of a pocket dial on record. Hats off to the Foley artist for the pocket dial recording, by the way. Spot on. (He probably just used a message he already had saved on his phone. Or simply asked anyone on the planet to use theirs.) It’s not easy for a comedy to tackle something like a devastating death, but this episode really made it work.

Biggest Tease: Castle
Mean. Just plain mean. So yeah, after offering up the “most titillating preview of next week’s episode” after last week’s outing, I was met with a rerun last night. I was unduly irked. When a preview tells me “in 2 weeks” I always notice, and I certainly didn’t remember being outraged after last week, so I literally queued up last week’s episode to see if I’d somehow missed it. No, those saucy minxes simply put, “On the next all new episode of Castle…” or some other such bait and switch. Boo. I guess they figured they’ve been dangling the kiss carrot for 2 ½ years now, what’s one more week? Cause for revolt, that’s what.

Most Apparent Style Over Substance: Shameless
It was only the second episode of Shameless, but it already felt like the writers were spinning their wheels. I couldn’t decide if they were simply so focused on trying desperately to shock viewers that they simply forgot to have any real narrative drive behind the episode or if they’ve already run out of road, but I got kind of bored. They seemed to be having a hard time filling an entire hour, and an event harder time shocking me, so they let scenes drag on for entirely too long. So far, the only thing that has been truly shameless is their economy of narrative. If this is the going trend for the show, I might not be hanging on for very long…

Best Awards Show: The Golden Globes
Given that TV is my specialty, and that I see maybe 2 movies a year in theaters, the Oscars holds very little appeal to me. Same goes for Grammys. Seriously, I’m more attuned to the nominees at the Tonys, which is really saying something (something fabulous, I suspect). This is why I enjoy the Golden Globes so much. Sure it’s a ridiculous farce, but for once, I’m actually curious in the outcome and I have an informed opinion. Not all those who deserved to win actually won (or were even nominated), but with Ricky Gervais at the helm, I don’t think anyone really cared who won. He’s the perfect host for such a laid back affair, particularly because his shtick is more roast than host. Introducing Bruce Willis as Ashton Kutcher’s dad kind of made my night.

Best Sartorial Surprise: Trent Reznor looking sharp and dapper in a suit at the Golden Globes. Seriously, as he and that other guy were walking onto the stage, I couldn’t help but think, “Uh, where’s Trent Reznor?” Between the designer suit and the short haircut, I think we all did a double-take… No that wearing Prada doesn’t say “I want to fuck you like an animal,” but you know what I mean.

Worst Sartorial Surprise: Just about everyone else at the Golden Globes. Who knew the 80’s were still back… and with such a shoulder-paddy vengeance.

Most Perplexing Lack of Dye Job: Miss America Teresa Scanlan
Seriously, you’re competing in the ditzy dingbat Olympics, the pinnacle of all a beauty queen could ever hope to achieve in life (besides trophy wifedom, of course), and it didn’t occur to you to get your roots touched up? Oh sure, you remember the hemorrhoid cream for the bags under your eyes and the kitchen spray to keep your bikini stuck to your ass, but you didn’t look in the mirror long enough to see that they’ll be placing your crown on some bleached blonde tendrils hovering over your, shall we say, humble roots? Wow.

Biggest Fundamental Flaw: Harry’s Law
You know you’re in trouble when the only real, huge, show-threatening flaw in your legal procedural is the fact that it’s a legal procedural. The first half of the pilot was actually pretty good… but then, inevitably, there was a second half. The characters were quirky and funny (Kathy is a pro and I love Nate Corddry) and the set up had some promise, but the actual courtroom scenes and legal antics were absurd and annoying. I kept thinking that the producers must not know a damn thing about how the law actually works and have never even seen a show that knew. But, to my dismay and surprise, I found that David E. Kelley was at the helm, so not only has he seen shows that knew about law, but he’s produced them (The Practice, Ally McBeal, etc). So I guess the real flaw here is amnesia… Worst of the worst? “Turns out, the only one we needed was the judge…” Of course he was the only one you needed! Judges doe the sentencing! We all already knew he was guilty! And so did you! This was never about getting a “not guilty” verdict, and yet, when the verdict was announced, you looked so surprised, Kathy! Boo.

Most Unnecessary Remake: the US bastardization of Skins
For a show like Skins, you’d think bastardization would be a good thing (semantically speaking), but believe me, this is yet another pathetic attempt at revamping an excellent British show for primetime TV. In all honesty, I couldn’t even bring myself to finish the first episode. Scene for scene, the story is very similar to its superior British counterpart, but in execution, it’s yet another American embarrassment. The US version is water-down and tamed to the point where it doesn’t even make sense. The greatest of America’s sins when it comes to adopting foreign shows is with censorship, and with Skins, censorship is the death knell. It made this version seem completely inauthentic and lame. I’d say it was akin to a fourth grade class putting on a production of Rent. Or, how about a Glee version of Rocky Horror… Dear America, please stop. Seriously though, the British version is gritty, sharp, realistic, ballsy and incredibly creative. If you’re looking to add such a show to your rotation, seek out the British version. It’s on Netflix Instant Play, so it doesn’t get any easier than that. It is far better than the ersatz crap that MTV is offering. Trust me.

Best Way to Distract a Jury from the Presumed Nazism of the Defendant: Throw a Scientologist into the mix, a la The Good Wife
Man alive, this show is exciting, intricate, cerebral, sexy, and funny as hell. When their client is thought to have Nazi sympathies (he was actually a WWII buff who participated in reenactments, but that didn’t make the pictures any less incriminating), the defense comes up with a plan to give the jury someone new to hate by going after the religion of one of the witnesses. I honestly couldn’t think of what religion they could possibly attack that would deflect some of the presumed Nazi sympathies… Oh my god, I about died laughing when it was revealed to be Scientology. Ha! Nice job, Kalinda. I love her. No wonder she was one of Cary’s top concerns when deciding to take a new job. He tried to play it off all cool, but trust me Cary, no one would fault you for accepting a job simply because Kalinda was there.

Most Linguistically Ridiculous Final Straw: Off the Map
I tried to give this sucker one more episode, but after about 10 minutes of its second outing, I called it quits. Much like Matt Saracen not knowing what a “gringo” is (and apparently never having owned a TV or driven by a restaurant before), now Mamie Gummer seems terminally stupid. Apparently she couldn’t be bothered to learn what the Spanish word is for “sick” prior to moving to South America to provide medical care in a rural clinic, and somehow managed to get through more than 20 minutes on the job without picking up that little tidbit. It’s ridiculous on about 87 different levels. I’m pretty sure that the main thing esta enferma on this show is the writing. Annnnd, we’re done. Stop. Delete. Buh-bye.

Quotes of the Week:

Alicia: “Yes, your honor, I’m all laced up and ready to go.”
(The Good Wife, where Alicia manipulates the judge with hilarious enthusiasm, and more than a few sports-related colloquialisms. The true context would take forever to explain, but I seriously busted up. You had to be there.)

Gloria: “Why the whoosh? Where is the email?! It sended! Make it come back!”
(Modern Family)

Abed: “We should really start learning people’s names.”
Jeff: “I agree with the brown Jamie Lee Curtis.”
(Community)

“She has eaten 7 couches and 2 chairs.”
(My Strange Addiction, regarding a woman who had been eating the yellow foam cushions of furniture for over 20 years.)