Project RUNAWAY!

And here I thought drug problems, rehab, weight gain, and public ridicule would be the worst things to happen to Mischa Barton's career...
Okay, so that's being a bit dramatic, but her new pet project The Beautiful Life (sorry, The Beautiful Life: TBL (because the producers of this show actually thought it would be a big hit and warrant a hip three letter nickname--so why not build it right in?!)) isn't going to lead to the comeback I know she was hoping for. Along with brutally low ratings (even by CW standards), the quality of the show isn't enough to make it critically acclaimed (not by a long shot) and it isn't unique enough (yeah, yeah, technically "unique" is an absolute, but you know what I mean) to make it buzz worthy. As such, I don't think there's anything that could improve the ratings in the long run or create enough of a splash to get people's attention. All told, I don't see this turkey surviving very long, and quite frankly won't be too broken up inside to see it go.

I honestly wasn't even going to mention anything about this show, but what can I say? Boredom leads to poor life choices. Which, I suppose by that logic, the crew behind The Beautiful Life must have been positively overflowing with ennui...

The show follows the lives of a bunch of models who do a bunch of modeling and all live in a model house in Model York. Now, I enjoy modeling/fashion shows as much as the next person, but they aren't really a demographic known for its depth and complexity (models can't be too heavy with anything it seems, even knowledge). I think the fact that I've been known to watch Project Runway, America's Next Top Model (which, can I just say? Every time I think Tyra can't get more ridiculous, she raises that crazy ass bar another peg), Make Me a Supermodel, etc may have made me a bit harsher on this show than is really warranted. It made all the little things stand out as ridiculous that I probably wouldn't have noticed otherwise.

You know, like the fact that half the people playing models couldn't be actual models in a million billion years. So many of them were short, unexceptional, bad walkers that it put a real strain on my suspension of disbelief. Case in point, the new boy in town, Chris (or something) who gets spotted in a fancy restaurant by a modeling scout. Yeah, not so much... Aside from being way too short, he struck me as WAY too catalog. Not a bad looking guy, but he didn't strike me as anything worth writing home about. The girl who plays Raina, the new modeling phenom (and immediate love interest for Chris) at least has an interesting look. She can't walk worth a damn (seriously), but she was one of the few who really looked like she could be a model (you know, scarecrow thin and kind of peculiar looking--I'm not sure how society decided that was the measure of beauty, but whatever).

Chris is a country bumpkin visiting the big scary city with the cast of Green Acres (read: his family). In case you weren't sure of how very "from Iowa" they were, (and I have to echo Lindsay's comments here), the father actually said, "We'll be paying for this vacation for the next three harvests!" I had read Lindsay's review before I finally got around to seeing the pilot and I still couldn't believe he actually said that. And that he somehow wasn't joking. Get that man an Emmy award, because I was sure there was no possible way to say that with a straight face. Wow. Anyway, poor innocent little Chris gets sucked into the big bad world of modeling, blah, blah, blah, I already don't care.

The models who are already living in the modeling world don't interest me much either. Some girl named Marissa (oh yes, they did that thing where they name a character the same name as another character's old character so that you can't call her that anymore) who looks like Lindsey Price's little sister is all bitchy and flighty, and there's a drug dealer who couldn't tell that some girl was a cop even though I certainly could, and then there's that kid from High School Musical, which obviously didn't help matters... It's a mixed bag of crap, really. Squicky sidenote? The sight of Mr. High School Musical making out with Lyla from Dexter (yet another ingredient that couldn't help matters) was such a spectacularly disturbing and incomprehensible collision of horrible that I have to assume my seat in Hell would be just like this... watching that... "Bleck" doesn't quite do it justice...

Anyway, this cast of largely boring characters stomp and bounce and scurry and flounce their ways (seriously, the walks were laugh out loud funny) through a ridiculous runway show that the executive producers (read Ashton Kutcher) of TBL (a term I use out of shortness, not hipness) hope will highlight the frenetic energy and glamour and intrigue of the backstage happenings... or whatever. It was the most ludicrous runway show I think I've ever seen. Aside from none of these people being very model-y, since when is the signature look presented after all the girls have come back out in a line at the end of the show? I'm no expert, but the signature look is usually just the last dress to come down the runway and then all the girls come out with the designer at the very end. Again, maybe I'm just not as well versed in this as I should be, but I have never seen a show where the girl in the signature look just goes to the end of the runway and stands there like an idiot. Not that standing there playing with rose petals isn't... um... moving? or anything, but... yeah... Bad, bad, bad.

So we're this far into a review and I still haven't mentioned Mischa's role in the show... that should probably tell you something... She plays a model who basically threw her career away so that she could sneak off and have a baby or something. Again, I already don't care. Given as much care as she put into going off grid in order to keep the pregnancy a secret, maybe she shouldn't have a picture of herself holding her baby as the wallpaper on her cell phone! Oy... Saddest part of all? I'm pretty sure Mischa was the best part of the show. Ouch.

Overall, this was a dud (just in case the subtle tone of this post so far was too subdued for you). A bunch of boring people leading boring lives. The worst part is that the show tries so hard to convince you that these are, in fact, extremely interesting people leading fabulous lives... I'm not convinced. Some of the clothes were kind of interesting, but even then, if I want to see fabulous clothes, I'd rather they be modeled by characters that I actually care about (enter Gossip Girl, stage left--seriously, how fabulous is that white suit?). Gossip Girl is basically one big fashion show, but it's woven into the characters in a way that the clothes actually inform on the character. It makes it all a lot more interesting than pretty much anything TBL has to offer. I actually found myself feeling embarrassed for the actors who got suckered into this mess...

Long story short, I won't be giving this one even a second episode's worth of a chance. The pilot was pretty bad (although, I think I liked it better than Melrose Place... what with the lack of Ashlee Simpson and all... wow...) and it's in a mercilessly crowded timeslot on Wednesdays, so I'm cutting my losses.

Speaking of cutting losses, the second episode of Melrose Place was even worse than the first. I spent the better part of the episode alternately cringing and fast-forwarding. The only reason I gave it a second week was because I had heard episode two would be much better... It was not. Ashlee is Sydney's long lost daughter! It's only the second week and the shark? It hath been jumped... several dozen times.

Rounding out the CW trifecta of mediocrity, The Vampire Diaries isn't great, but so long as Ian Somerhalder gets more screen time, I suppose I can excuse the angsty teen relationship crap. Seriously, he's as evil as he is pretty. Don't mind if I do! Other than him, though? Meh... Best worst line from episode two? "We met, and we talked, and it was epic, but then the sun came up and reality set in.” Epic? Really? Ha! I'd be more critical, but leave it to a teenager to think that talking for a few hours falls into "epic" territory. Oy. (They keep using that word. I don'na think it means what they think it means...)

Pilot Grade: F

Clue: The Hot Urban Singles Edition

Ohhh, CW. Here we go again. Melrose Place? Really...?

Not that your last 90s reboot wasn't a rollicking success, but... oh, wait.

Nevermind.

First off, I must admit that my knowledge of the original version is cursory at best. I seem to vaguely recall catching an episode here or there, but most of my familiarity with the show was born of I Love the 90s, so you'll just have to bear with me. I came into this show pretty well blind (even blinder than with the 90210 reboot). But, based on how spectacularly awful the 90210 reboot turned out, I couldn't help but going into this one with more than a little apprehension and a smidge of "ready, willing, and eager to hate it." Oh wait, did I mention that Ashlee Simpson is on board? Make that a heaping bowlful... then double it.

With all biases and ignorances out of the way, here we go.

The reboot starts off with a bunch of quick cuts of LA, the party circuit, night clubs, restaurants, and lurid activity, all spliced together under the soundtrack of Kevin Rudolf's Let It Burn. You know, so the producers of the show can set the proper tone for a network whose only demographic is teenage girls all within the first 10 seconds of the show. The soundtrack may have been my first quibble with the show, but it somehow managed to be my 4th, 7th, 11th, and 19th quibbles as well. Whenever a show uses music that doesn't really add anything to a scene but was clearly included because it's hip and cool or whatever, my brother and I will say [in requisite cool-hipster-with-popped-shirt-collar voiceover voice], "Tonight's episode featured music by..." as a way to hang a lantern on the cross-promotional crap that has become so pervasive these days. If I had said this every time it was painfully apparent during last night's pilot, I would have missed so much dialogue the episode wouldn't have made any sense... which, come to think of it, is where I ended up anyway...

Anyway, lousy, contractually-obligated soundtrack aside (which isn't easy because there must have been at least 30 different songs sampled in only 42 minutes of programming), the show really didn't have a whole lot to offer. That said, I acknowledge the fact that it's a soap, they know it's a soap, the audience knows it, and no one is kidding themselves into thinking it's anything else. I tend to be more forgiving when writers and producers have a clear objective (no matter how cheesy or tacky or bad (oh my!)) and stick to it. Nothing is more annoying than when a show like this is trying to convince people that it's a hard-hitting drama that really delves deep into the psychology of today's youth, blah, blah, blah. It's a soapy show with lots of skin and they're comfortable with that. Even if I'm a little bored by it...

Much like the original, this reboot focuses on a bunch of twenty-somethings who all live in the same building complex which is landladied by Sydney, who was an original series cast-member (and who looks freaking fantastic for her age--seriously, I had a hard time telling if she was a member of the new class or not). The pilot did its damnedest to try to showcase each character in a way that would really endear him/her to the audience and give some depth and backstory, but when the bitchy blonde 22-year old hot-shot publicist who takes no prisoners and always gets what she wants is one of the more interesting cliché--I, uh, mean... characters, you know you're in trouble. Not only did I not really care about most of the characters, but I had a hell of a time believing that any of these people would be friends (even though the show would have you believe that merely living in the same complex means you're kindred spirits) or that matriarch Sydney would somehow be the glue that brought all these kiddies together. [SPOILER ALERT--not that you should really care] So bearing that in mind, when Sydney winds up dead in the courtyard pool, I wasn't exactly heartbroken and couldn't really believe that anyone else was either.

So just in case the suds and skin weren't enough, at least you've got MURRRRDERRR. A murder most foul! Or whatever. She's found dead as a dead dead pretty quick and the rest of the pilot tries to set up possible culprits and other even less interesting characters to fill out the cast. Along with Ella's bitchy publicist stock character, Melrose Place features a whole lot of the same kinds of people you'd expect to see in a whole bunch of the same situations. I didn't watch much of the original, but I'm guessing these characters are even more hackneyed if you were a fan back in the day...

I don't want to belabor the cast list, because really, who cares, but here are some highlights. Jonah (which I keep spelling Johan for some reason) is an aspiring filmmaker who proposes to his girlfriend Riley just seconds before the body is found in the pool. Any rational person would think, "Huh, well that sure killed the mood," but Jonah just gets all huffy that Riley won't give him an answer. Because really, who doesn't want to have to answer the question, "So, when did you two lovebirds get engaged?" with "Oh, you know, the day Sydney was found face down in the pool with streaks of blood emanating from her vicious knife wound." Misty, watercolor, memmmmmries... Anyway, he's lucky he's got blackmail on his side when it comes to his career as a struggling artist because if his birthday videos are any indication, he royally sucks at his craft. Although, props to Jonah for trying to get out of his latest party videographer gig by using everyone's obvious excuse of "my landlord died." Who knew you got comp time for dead landlords? And here I thought it was only first-degree relatives... Quick insight into his girlfriend Riley? She spends the better part of the pilot whining that she wishes Jonah be a "grown-up," not recognizing the fact that adults don't call themselves "grown-ups" in the first place. Charming.

Adding to the already exhaustively motley crew, we have a pair of resident badboys, including David, who, as it turns out, gets all of his money from his part time gig as an art thief. No, I'm not kidding. I actually laughed out loud. We also have a stoic, but soft-hearted chef named... Auggie... Again, not kidding. Here's hoping for his sake they start calling him August. Or Gus. Or... Steve.

To round out the tarts, we have struggling med student Lauren, who starts moonlighting as a hooker after a date goes (rather inexplicably) into Indecent Proposal territory before the salad even makes it to the table and Ashlee Simpson, who plays the doe-eyed new girl with something to hide. I realize her character Violet is supposed to be acting like a good girl, but as near as I can tell, both Ashlee and her alter-ego suck at acting. She was literally in about 2 and a half minutes of the pilot... and that was more than enough. [Sidenote? Her plastic surgery made her look plastic alright...]

With a cast a characters like that, how could it not be scandalous and utterly awesome and stuff...?

The pilot sets up several of these people as possible suspects in Sydney's murder and tries to present these people as long-time friends, but in spite of the supposed cohesion, the pilot felt all over the place. The storylines should have been organically intertwined, but each character's story felt totally disparate for everyone else's (especially Dr. Hooker-with-a-heart-of-gold who didn't seem to fit in anywhere at all). The concept and writing were pretty typically soapy, but where the first season of Dirty Sexy Money took a weak genre and made it stylized and engaging, Melrose Place just takes the genre and gives it a new soundtrack.

The bare bones should be soap opera gold, but it just didn't really work. The directing job on the pilot definitely didn't help. By half way through, I was seriously starting to think that it must have been directed by Johan (geez, JONAH, what is my problem? Maybe my subconscious is telling me that making him Dutch would have helped...). It was cheesy and juvenile and overall just plain bad. The flashbacks were embarrassing, the blocking was clunky, the pacing was ridiculous, and the final montage of reveals and intrigue was just lame. If that's a harbinger of things to come regarding style and structure, I'm not sure even a whole new team of writers could help this turkey.

Okay, "turkey" may be a bit harsh, even if it's accurate. When taking this show for what it is, a soap opera aimed at teenagers, it wasn't anywhere near as awful as it could have been. It was better than the 90210 pilot, although that's not saying much. For the most part the cast was competent (if not exactly good) and the pilot at least tried to make sense and set up some intrigue and mystery for the future. Not that the audience cared enough about Sydney (after even less screen time than Ashlee) to really mind that she was killed off or really be concerned with who killed her, but at least they tried, right? Right?? No? Oh, well.

I suppose after a few episodes (and assuming they manage to make any of these characters actually interesting) this show could conceivably turn into a guilty pleasure, but I'm not invested enough at the moment to give it that much time or attention. It's in a pretty uncrowded timeslot, but even then, I've already got enough guilty pleasures to fill my quota, and quite frankly, they're higher on the "pleasure" than they are on the "guilt," unlike Melrose Place...

Bottom line? Stick with Gossip Girl, because really, just about anyone who would give this show a chance is already a GG fan. My favorite crew of the Upper East Side has all the sex, lies, and intrigue of Melrose, only, you know... with better writing, acting, directing, and costume design.

So you can see where it's a really close call between the two...

Pilot Grade: F

Because one horrible 90's reboot simply wasn't enough...

Oh, CW. It tries really hard to be a real network, but generally doesn't succeed... Quite frankly, after they cancelled Veronica Mars, I held very little loyalty to the net, but Gossip Girl helped soften the blow. Even the network's flagship serieseses don't yield tremendous ratings, but the CW seems to hang in there season to season (some how).

Well, with many of the CW's line-up reaching retirement age (oh god how I wish they'd retire them already), the waters ahead are looking even murkier (read: lowratingsy) than before. Standbys like Smallville, Supernatural, and (sadly, regrettably, embarrassingly) One Tree Hill (bleckk) are getting a little long in the tooth these days, and it's not just some wacky plotline. Smallville just wrapped it's 8th season (it's one of those shows I'm glad to say I broke up with back in its 3rd season and can't believe is still kicking, er, flying), Supernatural is already on to its 5th season starting this fall, and somehow (black magic, some seriously, seriously unfortunate karma, who knows), One Tree Hill has endured for 6 season and is coming back for its 7th (even if sans its two leads... somehow I don't think anyone will notice).

Anyway, in spite of the CW's willingness to keep these bad boys coming back year to year, they surely can't last forever (one would hope), so the CW really needs some solid pilots that can anchor the network in coming years. I'm not so sure the new slate looks any better than the old slate, but it certainly looks a lot like the mid-90's... I have it on good authority that the Melrose Place relaunch is a hell of a lot better than the 90210 relaunch, but that's like saying the arsenic has a smoother aftertaste than the hemlock, as far as I'm concerned...

The most promising sounding pilot, The Body Politic (starring Veronica Mars alum Jason Dohring), didn't get picked up for whatever reason and I'm hearing it's the best pilot we'll never see. Word is, it was a lot solid-er than most of the ones that did get the green light, so who knows just what Dawn Ostroff is smoking... Also, for all you Gossip Girls out there who have been hearing about the 80s spin-off that was backdoor piloted in the prom episode, it's looking less and less like anything will come of it. Ostroff insists it's still a possibility for mid-season, but I'm not holding my breath. Honestly, I was pretty underwhelmed by the backdoor pilot, so I'm kind of relieved it won't be airing...

Again, not being as privileged as my favorite TV reporters out there, I'm not privy to the pilots until they actually air, so I'm forced to base my assessments on clips and trailers alone. Fortunately, I'm just judgmental enough to be okay with that.

Anywho, here's what the CW will look like this fall. I'm actually hearing that none of the new shows is as bad as you'd suspect, but that's not exactly a ringing endorsement...

MELROSE PLACE

Oh, kiddies... Here we go again.







My Take: I actually didn't watch too much of the original series, so I'm kind of coming into this a little blind. I've heard from peeps on the web that the full pilot is actually kind of fun, but you know, in a horrible kind of way. Anything with Ashley Simpson pretty much gets a big "NO" in my book to begin with, so I don't have high hopes for this one. It looks like it's embracing the soapiness of the original right off the bat this time around (as opposed to getting progressively soapier), so if you're into that kind of thing, this is clearly the show for you. Already we have a murder mystery, blackmail, hidden pasts, alcoholism, uh, chef schoolery... Okay, so it's still got a ways to go before it's a full on soap operatic mess, but that was a fair showing for three short clips. I'm not exactly giddy for this one... bad acting, bad writing, weirdly off-putting drunk flirting... I'm hoping it's so bad it's awesome, but I'm guessing it'll be so bad it's awful. "She's the one who convinced me I could be a chef..." Oh, my god, this IS tragic! Heh.

THE BEAUTIFUL LIFE

On Wednesdays, America's Next Top Model will be followed-up by The Beautiful Life, a tale of wannabe top models living under one roof. The show includes an ensemble of Mischa Barton (The O.C.'s Marissa "I'm too drunk to stand... or act" Cooper, of course), Corbin Bleu (of High School Musical fame--now there's a pedigree to put in the press release...) and real-life supermodel Elle Macpherson as their modeling agency boss. It's produced by Ashton Kutcher, so you can make of that what you will... Anyways, here goes.





My Take: Oh, Mishca... As far as former O.C.ers are concerned, she's the one I'm least excited to see back in action. She's very one note. One bland, barely conscious note... This whole show looks like a mess. The acting is terrible (from Mischa? Whaaa?! Crazy, right?) and the whole concept is pretty weak. They've clearly tried to make everything seem a lot more important than it really is. I enjoy fashion well enough (lord knows Project Runway takes up more of my time than it should) and I'll admit to watching those crappy modeling competitions (I can't believe Branden won on Make Me a Supermodel--bleckk...), but at the end of the day, none of it really matters. Without some real substance to go with all the glitz, it's just a bunch of skinny girls stomping around and back-biting. Um, yay? Also, as much as I appreciate a good cameo, it's abundantly clear that Zach Posen should keep his day job. His bad acting managed to make everyone else's acting look a little better, but it really made the overall impression pretty awful. I doubt I'll be keeping this one on my schedule, but I'll tune in at first if for no other reason than to see Mischa's ignominious return to television (on a low budget CW disaster no less) after her film career... well, uh, yeah... [crickets] At least she's getting work? Maybe after a season or two she'll opt to get killed off again... For the sake of the show, one can only hope.

VAMPIRE DIARIES

Well, as is probably apparent from the title and governing network alone, this is clearly aimed at the Twilighters out there. I'm hearing it actually has some potential... which means it must be a hell of a lot better than its progenitor... So yeah, in case you've been experiencing an angsty vampire/mortal love story deficiency, search no more!







My Take: As with Twilight, my general opinion is if you're looking for some kick-ass vampire action and an ill-fated vampire/mortal love story, you'd be better off (MUCH better off) with Buffy. Joss Whedon actually knows what the hell he's doing. Stephanie Meyers and whoever is behind this show? Not so much. For what it is, it appears to follow all the rules and conventions accordingly, but I think it's more than a little hackneyed at this point. And once again, what's with the bad acting? Seriously, LA is teeming with young acting hopefuls and the CW ended up with the bottom of the barrel, it seems. To be fair, the acting in this one seems a lot better than in Melrose Place or The Beautiful Life, but that's not saying much... As ever, I'll give it a shot, but the whole concept is pretty woefully derivative and from the clips provided, I don't see that they've reinvented it in any meaningful way. My expectations are low to begin with, but god help me, if they sparkle in the sun, I might just have have a stroke.