Countdown to Slaughterama 2011

Every year around this time, I usually put together a list of shows that have been officially picked up, shows that are officially cancelled, and shows which are "on the bubble" for renewal next year. I was compiling the list last week when it dawned on me that I don't actually care about the fates of 90% of network television, and another 8% have certain futures. The fact that there are only a small handful of shows that I'm concerned about led to a fair amount of apathy toward the whole process. As such, I'm punting a bit. Thankfully, in this day and age, there are more than a few experts out there weighing in on the fates of network programming, even though there are only a few shows that are actually worth caring about these days. Official pick-ups and cancellations will happen in May.

Here are two resources that are well-worth perusing if you are concerned about your shows and want some expert opinions (aside from mine) on whether or not they'll be back next year:

• TVLine Renewal Scorecard
  With my darling Michael Ausiello as editor-in-chief, this website has quickly become one of my favorites. Michael knows the biz better than just about anyone and his renewal scorecard is usually very accurate. He's really one of the best and most trusted names on my list, so it's pretty safe to defer to his expertise, even thought I'll be offering my own assessments below. Even better, he updates the scorecard periodically, so in the event that new information becomes available, he adjusts his predictions accordingly.
  
  
• Metacritic TV Cancellation Watch
  For a more comprehensive analysis of each show's chances for survival, this is a great website. They've taken predictions from several reliable sources and created a grid of expert predictions. Some of the individual predictions are completely off the reservation (someone actually thinks No Ordinary Family has a chance in hell?), but you can see all the predictions collectively as well, which gives an overall impression of the show's chances. It makes for an interesting read, but as far as I know, it won't be updating as the season goes on, so some of the predictions may be invalidated without any changes to the site.
  

Well, there you have it from the other experts. Here are my expert thoughts on who'll make it and who's a goner... (I'm only including scripted programming and I'm excluding shows that are obviously going to be picked up--check those two websites if you're unsure which ones those are.)

VERY LIKELY RENEWAL

• Desperate Housewives
  It was conspicuously missing from ABC's early pick-up list, but that has more to do with contract negotiations than anything else. Assuming they can iron out the details, and I fully suspect they will (let's face it, Hollywood isn't exactly knocking down those actors' doors), it'll be back.
  
  
• The Good Wife
  Compared to other CBS shows, The Good Wife's ratings leave a bit to be desired. Actually, in terms of total viewers, it's quite strong, but in terms of key demo numbers, it could stand to be a lot higher. That said, it's their only critically acclaimed series and the only show on their entire slate that deserves such praise. I can't say it'll stay on Tuesday nights, but I'm confident it'll be back next season. The CBS brass loves the show and in spite of the ratings, they know they've got something no other big four network has. Class.
  
  
• Hawaii Five-0
  While not quite as obvious a pick-up as Mike & Molly, I think Alex O'Loughlin can breathe a sigh of relief for once. I'd be really surprised if this one didn't come back. On any other network, it would be a clear no-brainer pick-up, but with CBS, there's always a chance that as high as your ratings are, they could be higher...
  
  
• Nikita
  A lot of bloggers have given this show a more fretful prognosis, but I'm confident it'll be back. It's numbers aren't great (even by CW standards), but with Smallville ending and Supernatural and One Tree Hill aging horribly, I think Nikita will make it. It better is all I can say. In their corner? The showrunners behind The Vampire Diaries love Nikita, and I like to think they have some sway with the powers-that-be.
  
  
• Harry's Law
  The key demo numbers could certainly be better, but overall, this is one of the very few bright spots in NBC's pilot season. If the numbers start to slide, that's another story, but at this point, I think it'll be fine.
  
  
• Parenthood
  It's numbers have stabilized in a place that I think NBC must be happy with, so I think it's chances are quite good. Unfortunately, the show it self is quite painful to watch these days. I hate to break up with it.
  

COULD GO EITHER WAY

• Blue Bloods
  It's a tough call between The Good Wife and Blue Bloods in terms of numbers. Based on ratings, they're neck and neck, but I think if it boils down to one or the other, CBS will make the right call and pick up The Good Wife. The problem for CBS is that they're simply too successful. They have too many highly-rated shows for too little space on the air. (Which isn't to say their shows are all worth-watching, but simply, that middle America does.)
  
  
• Better with You
  It's not doing well, but it's a half-hour comedy, so it might get a pass.
  
  
• Brothers and Sisters
  It's an aging series, with sinking ratings, but ABC doesn't exactly have a lot of established shows to hang its hat on these days, so I'd say it's a toss up. It'll depend on how Body of Proof performs and what their pilot slate looks like for fall. I'd err on the side of a pick-up though.
  
  
• Mr. Sunshine
  It's really too early to tell with this one, but based on it's first two weeks of numbers, it's a toss up. It premiered to excellent numbers, but fell steeply in its second week. If the slide continues, it'll likely get cancelled, but if it can stay roughly where it currently is, it should be fine.
  
  
• V
  Its numbers have actually been a lot higher and more stable than I ever would have expected, but they're still not spectacular or anything. This one's a toss-up. If I had to make a prediction, I'd say it'll be cancelled.
  
  
• $#*! My Dad Says
  God I hope this sucker gets cancelled, but it's a half-hour comedy with decent enough ratings, so it could go either way.
  
  
• The Chicago Code
  It pains me to acknowledge it, but the future of this show is by no means certain. It's too early to tell for sure, but based on the first two sets of numbers, it's going to be a nail-biter for this show. If it can stay where it is with the ratings, it'll be back, but if it slides again next week, it probably won't make it. Boo.
  
  
• Chuck
  Chuck's on the bubble?! I'm shocked! The weird thing is, this is the most favorable it's chances have looked in years. Unfortunately, the show got unwatchable, so I don't really care. A few weeks ago, I would have put this in the "likely to be renewed" category, but it's started sliding bit by bit the past few weeks and it's now in the danger zone. I'd err on the side of a pick-up.
  
  
• Community
  In case you don't watch this show (and based on its ratings, that's most people), this is the best comedy on the air. Yes, it's better than Modern Family, as far as I'm concerned. It's ratings aren't great, but it's a half-hour show on a sinking network, so I think it'll make it. It better make it.
  

VERY LIKELY TO BE CANCELLED

• The Defenders
  CBS has too much going for it to keep this dead weight around. I'll be shocked if they keep it on the schedule, even on a Friday.
  
  
• The Event
  I wouldn't say it's completely hopeless (this is NBC we're talking about), but with the new network sheriff in town, I'm pretty sure this one is going to be cancelled.
  
  
• Detroit 1-8-7
  I hear it actually turned into a quality show, but with ratings like these, it would take a miracle to survive. It was all I could do not to put it in the "no chance in hell" category. I don't think this one really has a chance, but it hasn't been pulled from the schedule yet either, so for their sakes, here's hoping for a long shot.
  
  
• No Ordinary Family
  Decent concept, horrendous cast and execution. I'm not surprised in the least that this show is struggling. Majorly struggling. I don't think it'll be back.
  
  
• Off the Map
  It started out well-enough, but it's been sliding ever since. It's most recent numbers were pretty bleak, even for ABC. I'd be surprised if it eeks out a win. It's a Shonda production though, so if she puts up enough of a fuss, ABC might be browbeaten into keeping it. That'd really be the only way.
  
  
• One Tree Hill
  I think this year might finally be the year. The show is old, and horrendous, and I think the CW finally knows it.
  
  
• Human Target
  I stopped officially following their ratings, but I know they're not good. Really not good. That, plus the fact that Fox has limited space and it's an expensive show to produce and I think this one's a goner.
  
  
• Lie to Me
  This show has been little more than a filler for the past couple of seasons, but I think even that dubious distinction will likely come to an end. I think their only chance is if Fox decides to keep it for midseason next year, in order to replace cancelled new shows. Hey, that's basically what happened last season, so who knows. Personally, I think it's a goner.
  
  
• Traffic Light
  I never even watched the pilot, but I'm hearing its numbers are pretty abysmal. See ya.
  
  
• Perfect Couples
  I only saw the pilot, and that was plenty. I think it's a goner.
  

NO CHANCE IN HELL OF RENEWAL

• The Cape
  I hate to break it to fans out there (although based on the shows numbers, I'm thinking they don't actually exist), but there's no way this sucker is coming back next year. Even NBC isn't that desperate. Hell, I'm not sure the CW is that desperate.
  
  
• Chase
  It's already essentially been canceled, in case the two people out there who watched the show hadn't noticed.
  

Week-In-Review 2.3

I didn't have the time this week to review the new shows in depth and in their own posts, so I've simply included some little nuggets below. The third week of the month is always super-busy for me and I simply couldn't bring myself to trying any harder than this. There really wasn't anything concrete to latch onto with Mr. Sunshine, Mad Love, or Crinimal Minds: Suspect Behavior anyways. On with the show!

Lowest Blow: Shameless
This is a show with a lot of low blows, several in the last episode alone, so the bar is set pretty high, er, low... This episode featured Carl (easily the most expendable kid in the family) hitting a high school jock in the knee after he’d already surrendered (he had already had his SAT scores invalidated, so taking out his knee basically ruined his only chance), so on any other day, that would have been the lowest blow, but not this time. After more than two decades of neglecting his children, never engaging in any parental duties or attending the school’s Parents’ Night even once for any of his kids (even when the stakes are high enough that one of them is going to be expelled), it’s revealed that he attended Parents’ Night as Karen’s “Daddy Frank.” The real heartbreaker was watching the younger kids who didn’t immediately understand the implications of Frank showing up to Parents’ Night for someone else’s kid. Man alive, listening to the little kids say that they wanted to go say “Hi” to daddy while Fiona and Lip are devastated was pretty gut-wrenching. Never once did he show up for them, but he shows up for a neighbor. Ouch.

Fewest Awards Given at an Awards Show: The Grammys
I have honestly never watched the Grammys before (music isn’t really my thing), but I figured I’d give it a chance on a slow night (plus, my brother and sister-in-law were in attendance, so I cared more). I should have just watched the TLC docu-soap The Queen instead. Not only was it boring as all get out, but I was under the apparently incorrect assumption that awards would be given out. Seriously, 3 ½ hours, and I think there were maybe 5 awards? Is that the norm? Don’t get me wrong, no one wants to hear acceptance speeches, but it seemed really odd to me. And didn’t half those songs come out like 3 years ago? Seriously, none of what was nominated seemed at all recent. It was like there were nothing but Temple Grandins… I fast-forwarded through probably 95% of the show and I don’t think I missed anything… except maybe a bunch of crap I probably wanted to miss… Speaking of which, I have never even heard of Esperanza whatever-her-name-was, but seeing anyone else on the planet win Best New Artist besides Justin Bieber kind of makes her my hero. I'm feeling a sudden urge to purchase whatever kind of music it is that she makes...

Most Logical Course of Events: Scheduling the thousand-year-old Rolling Stones performance right after the “In Memoriam” montage on the Grammys
That was after the “In Memoriam,” right?

Most Unwittingly Prohibitive Element of a New Show: The main characters on new CBS comedy Mad Love are named Ben and Kate.
I just… I can’t. I realize there’s no way that the writers of the show could know that I already get to watch the relationship woes of my own real-life Ben and Kate (hi guys!), but I just don’t think I can watch the fiction version as well. Too weird. On a semi-related note, is there some new requirement where shows simply must have a Kate? It’s a fine name, to be sure, but I think there’s at least one on 80% of the shows I watch. Anyway, I don’t think cutting Mad Love from my list is too much of a loss. It was by no means the worst pilot I’ve seen, but it didn’t really grab me either. Mad Love is basically How I Met Your Mother minus Marshall, and I already watch HIMYM, so I think that quota has officially been filled. Seriously, it was shockingly similar. Which, dear writers, if you had any chance of avoiding constant comparisons to HIMYM, maybe you shouldn’t have cast Sarah Chalke in the lead (you know, what with her being the probable mother for like 2 entire seasons).

Nastiest Piece of Work: Alderman Gibbons on The Chicago Code
This guy is cold and twisted and manipulative as hell… and I’m lovin’ it.

Best Backstory: Little Ricky Castle
Erring on the lighter, more comedic side of the crime procedural genre, we don’t often get a ton of backstory for the characters on Castle, and when we do, it’s almost always for Beckett. As such, it was incredibly nice to get some depth on Castle himself this week. He’s the lovable goofball most of the time, but Beckett wouldn’t have kept him around this long for amusement alone, and now we get to see where some of his range comes from. It also served as a motivation for his unyielding dedication to his friend, even going so far as to fight with Beckett. This isn’t just some random friend; this guy made Castle the man his is today (and saved him from being a lawyer). Sooo… in spite of all the murder and whatnot, I say god bless him. (That was a nice twist at the end with the reveal that he actually had killed his father after all. Didn’t see that coming.)

Most Disappointing Man vs. Machine Competition: Jeopardy!
When I first heard that Ken Jennings and Brad what’s-his-name would be competing against an IBM computer, I was intrigued to see if the computer could really ascertain the meaning of the questions and respond. Well, turns out it can most of the time, which is impressive, but the actual competition was frustrating as hell. It’s not so much a matter of who’s smarter, or can a computer answer these kinds of questions better than a human, it’s basically proving that computers can ring in faster than humans. Well, no shit! Of course it can. Geez, the looks on the two guys’ faces expressed my annoyance as a viewer.

Person Most in Need of a Brad Falchuk Episode of Glee: Yeah, that would be me.
Really? An Ian Brennan episode, then two Ryan Murphy episodes? I thought this week would be a Brad Falchuk! I was utterly crestfallen when I saw the writing credit a few minutes in. Don’t get me wrong, Murphy’s episodes are better than Brennan’s, but at this point, I need more. I was going to label this under “biggest Glee disappointment of the week,” but that contest just got entirely too crowded. If I don’t get a stellar episode soon, I might just be done with the show.

Only Truly Redeeming Element of This Week’s Episode of Glee: Rent
Good lord, that was a truly unfortunate array of songs this week. I fully admit that I fast-forwarded through most of them. Oh how I wish they would stick to show tunes. The Rachel/Mercedes Rent duet to Take Me or Leave Me was awesome. Even better? Rachel’s mother, aka Idina Menzel, sang Rachel’s part in the original broadway cast. Double awesome. It almost makes up for the horrendousness of the Bieber crap and I Know What Boys Like (a song which I didn’t think could possibly get worse than the original version). I actually enjoy Sing by My Chemical Romance quite a bit, but it just didn’t feel right here (especially with Finn in the lead—could he please get kicked off the show? Or go mute?). I’m pretty surprised My Chemical Romance even let Glee have the rights to it. Street cred? What street cred? Also, did I fast-forward through the part that explained why they were dressed like lumberjacks? I must have…

Sexiest EV-RY-THING: Kalinda on The Good Wife
It kills me that more people aren’t watching The Good Wife. This show just keeps getting better and better. At the very center of the awesomeness? Kalinda Sharma (if that is her real name, and I think we all know that it isn’t). Okay, I thought that scene between her and the FBI woman was hot, but then she and Blake strip searched each other (among other things) and I saw just how tame the previous scene had been. I have always loved the dynamic between Blake and Kalinda and this week it came to a… climax? Sure, why not. There’s a sense to danger and total manipulation in every scene they’re in and here it ended up with a baseball bat to Blake’s ribs. Kalinda may have reduced Blake to a gasping heap on the floor, but his revelation that he had “phoned” her husband was even more of a blow, methinks. Husband?! Holy shit! If that weren’t enough on the sexy Kalinda scale, her relationship with Cary just gets more and more fabulous. They hardly had any time together this week, but their mutual respect, sexual chemistry, and affection were utterly apparent. The look on Cary’s face when he called “Miss Sharma” into his office so that his investigator friend could question her was classic. I also appreciated that at various points during the episode, someone called Kalinda his girlfriend and Blake called Cary her boyfriend. Actually, I think that was Blake for both… Final Kalinda revelation of the evening? She’s officially bisexual. It’s what I had always assumed, but never had confirmation.

Thing I Never Would Have Notice If People Hadn’t Pointed it Out: “Phoned” on The Good Wife
I’ve seen every episode of this show and had never noticed that they say “phoned” instead of “called” until someone mentioned it online. Now I can’t not notice it. Thanks a million, random online person. Apparently the regional colloquialisms of the showrunners’ hometown tend toward using “phoned” rather than the more common verbs. Whatever the reason, it sticks out like a sore thumb now, and… it just occurred to me that I have just done to everyone who reads this blog what was done to me... Sorry about that. Now we can all notice it together. Drinking game, anyone?

Best Reason to Lie: Will on The Good Wife
Sorry, last Good Wife award, I promise. I know people were bummed that Alicia finally asked him about the phone call and he lied about it, but really, people, what would you have done? What message did I leave ages ago? Well, I poured my heart out, declared my love, then thought you had rejected me fully, so I forced myself to get a new girlfriend that no one likes… but, now that you ask, wanna make out? Yeah, no. He had to lie, people. I certainly would have.

Most Underwhelming Return of a “Friend”: Mr. Sunshine
I like Matthew Perry well enough, but his new show ain’t so sunny… It’s a shame really, because it has a stellar cast. It just doesn’t seem to have any plot or actual humor—which is kind of a problem for a comedy. The whole thing was basically one lame set-up after another for Perry to snarkily comment on. Um, yay?

Sharpest Shooter: Tim Gutterson on Justified
His character was a sniper with the military (I believe he was with the Rangers), and it's clear to see. This show does an amazing job of infusing the deliberate pace with some truly shocking events. It's amazing how good Raylan is at manipulating bad guys... even convincing them to peek out from behind their cover to see Tim... who summarily shoots him between the eyes. Wowzers/yikes.

Best Reason to Read the Effing Directions: The Vampire Diaries
Seriously people? You’re trying to kill the unkillable, you have a manual telling you how to do so, and it didn’t occur to you to read the instructions in full before proceeding?! Oh, for hell’s sake. Don’t get me wrong, it made for an especially exciting and twisty episode, what with having to kill Elijah several times, but honestly, Elena, try finishing the page next time.

Most Welcomed Return: Katherine on The Vampire Diaries
I kinda sorta adore Katherine and it’s about damn time she made it out of the tomb. Elena is as bland as it gets, so it’ll be nice for Nina Dobrev to have something to do other than pout.

Most Sub-Par Spin-Off: Criminal Minds: Suspect Behavior
I had never realized just what a tenuous success the original version was. Apparently, if you take the exact same show, but swap out most of the characters, you’re left with an ersatz cheesefest that was surprisingly boring. The original version works well because of the character dynamics, the direction, the injections of levity, the overall style, and the professionalism. Remove all those elements and you get the spin-off before you. The characters were mostly boring and formulaic. Forrest Whitaker heads this “Red Cell” branch of the BAU and brings very little to the role. I didn’t find him interesting, commanding, or capable of leading anyone. He also sounded like he was suffering from congestive heart failure for the better part of the episode, which made it even harder to believe him as the dynamic leader of the group. Mandy Patinkin brought so so much to the table with the early seasons of Criminal Minds, and here, Whitaker just bored me to tears. What’s worse, his supporting players were just as unengaging. I’ve always been a fan of Jeanine Garafalo, and she was certainly one of the better aspects here, but she still fell a bit flat for me. On top of it all, this show had an eye-rolling about of grandstanding and soapboxing about trust and justice and blah, blah, blah. One the most compelling aspects of the original is that they let the events speak for themselves. I don’t need someone to tell me that these unsubs are horrendous monsters, but Suspect Behavior sure seems to think we do. Maybe it’s simply that I’ve seen too many episodes of the original to take a spin-off seriously. They have the exact same job. It’s hardly even a spin-off. The only ways in which they reinvented the wheel here was to make things worse. This is area that has been covered so many times on the original that there’s hardly room to grow. The original crew has solved just about every conceivable case at this point, and it getting tired in its own right. A spin-off was unnecessary and nigh impossible to do right. Case in point, the case-of-the-week for the Suspect Behavior pilot was beyond lame. The original could get away with something like this because they’ve already covered so much ground, but with these new people, I was rolling my eyes. Also, having seen so many of these, there are very few surprises these days. Little blonde girl goes missing… my first thought? The unsub is a white male in his thirties with a large vehicle. After more info is revealed about his pattern? Well, he must be using these girls as a surrogate for someone he lost. This is not my first rodeo. It’s no viewer’s first rodeo. After this long, it’s the characters that keep a show going, and Suspect Behavior didn’t have anyone I liked (or at least they weren’t showcased in a way that made me want to care about them). I’d recommend sticking with the original. Suspect Behavior wasn’t the worst pilot I’ve ever seen or anything, but it’s inferior to the original in basically every way. Also, it has 100% less Dr. Reid, so really, what’s the point?

Best Reconciliation: Michael and Nikita
Man alive, I was wondering when he’d finally forgive her for that Uzbekistan episode, and now we seem to be there. Watching them work together is one of the best parts of the show, so having him hate her with a passion threw a bit of a wrench into the works (or a claymore, as it were).

**Quotes of the Week**

“You can’t beat karate when it comes to regulated, sanctioned violence for children.”
--Debbie, who seems to be the bearer of most of the great one-liners on Shameless. Now if we could only get rid of Carl, the cause of this particular one-liner, the show would be all the better for it. Get rid of Frank, too. You know, while you’re at it.

“She says she wants a gift that says, ‘I love you,” but nothing that says, 'I love your more than life itself, please don’t leave me or I may die.’”
--Castle, summing up Alexis’ gift-giving conundrum. It’s a delicate balance each Valentine’s shopper aims for, but few succeed. You see, that’s why you simply have no life. No one to shop for = No chance of a social faux pas.

Will: “Who can tell us what an anthem is?”
Brittany: “The bottom of an ant’s pants.”
Will: “So close.”
--Glee, placing the comedic weight squarely on Brittany’s shoulders more and more often.

“Who is Bram Stoker. (I, for one, welcome our new computer overlords.)”
--Ken Jennings, summing up what the audience at home was thinking throughout the entire IBM Jeopardy challenge with a Simpsons reference in his final answer. Nice.

Mitchell: “Well, also, it’s a princess theme party, so I guess you just don’t respect party themes.”
Cam: “You did not just say that!”
Mitchell: “I’m sorry, that was crossing the line.”
Cam: “Yes, it was.”
--Modern Family

“That’d be a neat trick, escaping the past.”
--Helen on Justified, who clearly watches the show she’s in.

“Me and Abed have an agreement. If one of us dies, we stage it to look like a suicide caused by the unjust cancellation of Firefly. We’re gonna get that show back on the air, buddy!”
--Troy on Community, with probably the best death plan ever conceived by anyone in the history of the world. I think all Whedonverse fans were like, “Why didn’t I think of that!?” I’m glad we’re all on the same page now.

“Yes. Yes. I would examine very closely Fox’s reasoning — I’m a little gun-shy. If I got $300 million from the California Lottery, the first thing I would do is buy the rights to Firefly, make it own my own, and distribute it on the Internet.”
--Nathan Fillion, responding to the question: If Castle had its series finale tomorrow and Fox said to you and Joss: “We screwed up, let’s try doing Firefly again.” Would you do it? Good answer, Mal. Actually, incredibly cruel answer, Mal. Way to get our hopes up with the best plan ever. Maybe Troy and Abed can help…

“Yes, I'm guilty, lawyer man. You found it. Malice. This whole movie was my attempt at getting back at the Internet. Take that, Internet.”
--A fictional screenwriter on The Good Wife, defending his Social Network-esque script.

“I for one hope GLEE's meticulously crafted storylines won't suffer as a result of FX picking up a new drama from Ryan Murphy #sarcasm”
-- theTVaddict, via twitter, expressing my thought exactly regarding Ryan Murphy’s new project. Usually when a showrunner takes on a new show, the old one suffers, but with Glee? I’m not sure that’s even possible from a narrative standpoint… I’m much more afraid of The Vampire Diaries’ showrunners picking up a new series…

“Set phasers to LOVE ME!”
--Troy on Community, once again, expressing his desperation to gain LeVar Burton’s approval with the funniest line I’ve heard in ages. I’m giggling just thinking about it.

“You want it? Take it. It’s yours. And after what you did to Damon, you’re gonna need it more than me.”
--Alaric on The Vampire Diaries, requeathing his ring-of-no-dying back to John, with one tinsy weensy caveat.

“Nerds like rejection. See, their thinking is, if she’s interested in you, there must be something wrong with her.”
--Birkoff, on Nikita. Well, that explains a lot about my high school dating record...

Week-In-Review 2.2

It's that magical, magical time again. I'm not sure what it is, but this seemed like a really long week. I choose to blame some sort of space time anomaly on the length of this post... In related news, Dear Blogger, try to suck less. Sheesh.

Biggest Fumble: Glee’s Superbowl Episode
What the hell was that? Some people were reasonably pleased with the much-hyped post-superbowl Glee episode, but I was completely underwhelmed. I’m sorry, but who the hell put Ian Brennan in charge of their biggest episode ever?! Ian Brennan equals: bad songs, no discernable storyline or plot development, but good one-liners. He can’t be trusted with any episode, let alone the most watched one ever. Sheesh. As far as Brennan’s episodes were concerned, it was fine I guess (better than Funk at any rate), and it had its fair share of classic one-liners, but as is so often the case with Brennan’s episodes, I kept getting the feeling that Brennan doesn’t actually watch the show. All of a sudden Sue is asking the girls to put chicken cutlets in their bras when a few episodes back she was demoting Santana to the bottom of the pyramid for implants? Uh, okay? What’s worse, the songs in Brennan’s episodes almost never have anything to do with the story, which we all know I hate. I wouldn’t say it was a bad episode exactly, but it sure as hell isn’t the one I’d put in front of new viewers. Seriously, show of hands: Everyone who’s sick to death of the whole Glee vs. Football ridiculousness? Half the effing team is in the Glee club. I think even a bunch of dumb jocks would have let it go already. Not that I’m hoping they shift their abuse to the debate team… we have enough problems already.

Oddest Choice: Glee
Speaking of Glee and fumbles, why the hell did Fox choose Glee for its post-superbowl extravaganza? It’s not like the show needs the ratings. Another certainty is that anyone who doesn’t already watch Glee probably has a reason for that… I can only imagine the reaction a bunch of middle-aged male football nuts had upon seeing Glee on their screens and the horror at not being able to find the remote. What would have been the better choice, the smarter choice, the better-than-a-snowball’s-chance-in-hell-of-having-some-demographic-overlap choice, would be The Chicago Code. It could certainly have used the viewers and might even have sparked a new hit.

Funniest Ruse: Mama and Daddy Cannon on Glee
I know, I know, Glee has made a comeback to the blog in a major way. Even if the episode itself wasn’t a homerun, it still had some great moments. Sue’s entire ruse to get Brittany into the cannon was hilarious, but when she told her that Mama Cannon has fibromyalgia, so she can’t work, I complete busted up. Poor, sweet Brittany. With two little cannons at home and a baby cannon on the way, she couldn’t not get herself killed.

Best New Show: The Chicago Code
Hands down, best new pilot of the midseason, one of the best new pilots of the year, and easily one of the best shows on network TV. Here’s hoping it keeps the awesome going.

Most Conflicted Kiss: Ted and Zoey on HIMYM
I think I’m about as conflicted with this one as the characters were. Don’t get me wrong, anything that possibly gets us closer to finding the mother gets a gold star in my book after 6 seasons, but as far as potential candidates goes, Zoey ("What is that, short for Zoseph?") isn’t at the top of my list. At this point, I’ll take what I can get though. She’s nice enough, and is getting a lot better. I’ll side with the twitterverse on this one, “True on all counts. RT @hitfixdaniel: Zoey became likable once #HIMYM abandoned her character & [wrote] her as "Jennifer Morrison is cute."” Here here!

Best Guest Star: Denis O’Hare for The Good Wife
The Good Wife always seems to have awesome guest stars, and Michael J. Fox is great and all, but Denis O’Hare’s turn as Judge Abernathy is one of my favorites. Not quite as fantabulous a character as vampire king Russell Edgington on True Blood, but O’Hare is great in anything. “And now for the weather. Tiffany?” Best of all? Judge Abernathy was promoting a blood drive. Hehe.

Worst Guest Star: Katy Perry for… does it really matter?
It was HIMYM, if you must know, but frankly, it doesn’t really matter what show she was in. She’s takes the cake. “Oh, honey,” indeed. Her “acting” was, well… well, you saw the quotation marks, right? Baaaaaad (and not in a cute, sheep kind of way). Let’s just she somehow managed to make playing herself look difficult.

Most Unfortunate and Entirely Undeserved Promotion: Hilarie Burton on White Collar
Ugh. Of all the people who did not need to be made a series regular, she’s pretty much the whole list. What’s worse, it’s not like they didn’t have better options. Alex is sitting right there and is infinitely better than Hilarie any day of the week. I’m sorry, but as far as I’m concerned, anyone who’s ever spent any time on One Tree Hill should automatically be restricted from appearing on anything else. And this is regarding a show that has a Saved By the Bell alum! I think it’s safe to say she’ll be the new love interest in Neal’s life, which means that Compazine will be the new love in mine. Geez, just when I heralded this show for doing things so very right this season, they go and screw things up. Boo. The writers of this show apparently don't understand chemistry because they also seem to think that Neal and Kate had any sizzle at all.

Most Underused Asset: Elizabeth on White Collar
The writers only occasionally incorporate Elizabeth into the A-plot (although it seems to be ever-increasing), but when they do, she’s solid gold.

Shadiest Dealings: Bond on The Good Wife
Spywaring your colleagues, eh Bond? Well, retribution is at hand. That’ll learn you to cross Will and Diane, but mostly it serves him right after screwing over Kalinda. That’s just beggin’ for punishment. The web keeps getting more and more tangled and I keep getting more and more delighted. Such a great show. How much did you love Will and Diane’s low-five? Classic.

Most Embarrassing Musical Number: Blaine singing “When I Get You Alone” to Captain Gap
It’s a pretty high bar, what with two episodes of Glee this week, but wow… that was painful and more than a wee bit creepy. I love Blaine, and I always enjoy his renditions of songs, but that Gap ad was truly unfortunate. I realize that that’s exactly what the writers were going for, but wow. I watched the better part of it through a gap in my fingers. In related news, poor Kurt. Quick note, this was a Ryan Murphy episode (which equals: kind of ridiculous with way too many songs, operating in some sort of parallel universe that resets after each episode), but that means that we should be due for a Brad Falchuk soon! Falchuck equals: appropriate number of songs, well-integrated into a story that actually makes sense. God I hope we’re due for one of those, because otherwise we might need to break up… I should clarify, I wasn’t over the moon with “Silly Love Songs”, but it was still better than the superbowl episode by a long shot.

Badass-iest Return: Justified
It’s been nearly a year, but it was well worth the wait. Picking up right where season 1 left off, season 2 kept pace, tied up some loose ends, and sparked a new season with a hell of a lot of panache. With Bo Crowder biting the big one last year, I wasn’t too sure where the show would go with season 2, but it’s even more awesome than I would have guessed. Enter the Bennett clan, stage (er, moonshine still) left. After killing off most of the season 1 baddies in the aptly titled Bulletville (it’s more than geography, it’s a way of life), they’ve seamlessly and brilliantly added a whole new crew of potential foes with a Hatfield/McCoy vibe to them that I’m absolutely loving. Matriarch Mags heads the family and is certifiably badass enough to tackle just about anything, methinks. That closing scene between her and Loretta’s father was hard core. And seriously disturbing. To go toe-to-toe with Raylan, you’ve got to be pretty intense and terrifying, and Mags excels at both, all while plying her guests with homemade Apple Pie Moonshine. She somehow balances warm and motherly with ruthless and deadly from one moment to the next. It’s disarming and scary and fabulous. She’s a force to be reckoned with, and if the previews for the rest of the season are any indication, Raylan does a hell of a lot of reckoning. I love the pace and tone of this show. It’s unlike just about any other show on the air. The writers brilliantly opened this season with a quick trip to Miami (not only harkening back to the pilot, but once again establishing Raylan as a wild west gunslinger, not a metropolitan police officer) which gave audiences a few minutes of what they’re so accustomed to seeing on TV, then switching gears and shipping us back to Kentucky where things are a bit slower, a lot less flashy, and far more grounded. Seeing Raylan in a setting like Miami is always a bit of a shock. He’s almost like an anachronism amid the scantily clad bikini models and million dollar mansions. He’s offered the chance to return to Miami, but Raylan, like the audience, can see that that’s no place for him. One of the things I love most about this show is that it delivers a different brand of good and evil. The good guys and bad guys on this show are just as serious as those on any other show, but the stakes seem a lot more genuine here. There’s no pomp and circumstance, no flashy car chases or slick costumes, it’s a glimpse at a very different culture than we usually see on TV. Indeed, more often than not, rural or Southern characters on any other show are often portrayed as backwater fools who don’t know a damn thing. That’s not really the case and Justified knows it. This show has an entirely different flavor than anything else I watch and gives its characters a whole other world to inhabit. I’m not sure how Boyd is going to factor into this season exactly, but I can’t wait to find out. The thought of him, Raylan, and Mags waging war with one another has me positively giddy. Matt Roush, my favorite critic and my superior in every conceivable way sums it up far better than I can, saying, “Justified is expert at taking the audience by delightful surprise, lulling you with its laid-back attitude, only to jolt you off the couch with a shock of grisly mayhem. But unlike many of its dramatic FX peers, the tone isn't gloomy or nihilistic or cynical. It's a blast.” Agreed. Let the family feud begin!

Crossover I Most Want to See: Raylan Givens makes a quick trip to Miami and has a mojito with Michael Westen
Man alive, it seems so completely absurd an idea because Miami and Kentucky may as well be on different planets, but that’s a meeting I’d pay good money to see.

Hottest and Most Ridiculous Retail Item in Mystic Falls: Scarves
Seriously, I just need to set up a boutique outside the Salvatore mansion and rake in the cash. “Can I interest you in something from our Animal Attack collection or the equally popular My Boyfriend Drank a Pint of My Blood but I Don’t Remember It line?” At least in Bon Temps people actually noticed the prevalence of scarves and called it into question. In Mystic Falls, scarves are basically the new black. Every single season. I have to wonder why Damon doesn’t bite people in less conspicuous places…

Best Way to Ruin a Dinner Party: Imply that the hostess is a prostitute...
Michael, I realize you’re trying to protect Alex on Nikita, but I can’t imagine it’s going to do a whole lot for her cover ID for her neighbors to think she’s a hooker. You know, because that’s not a profession that begs any questions at all. It also makes for the worst dinner ever. “Tonight we’ll be having seared awkward with a side of steamed uncomfortable…”

Quotes of the Week:

“They needed to think of something cooler than ‘Red Matter’ to be the main widget this time around. There were a few dozen meetings involved before they came up with Blue Chocolate, which has half the calories and can turn planets into marzipan. Mmm... marziplanets.”
--io9.com, making up reasons why the Star Trek 2 script isn’t done yet.

“Just knowing your tits are trying to kill you? That’s gotta suck.”
--Frank, from Shameless, trying to be sensitive at a cancer support group, and kinda sorta failing.

“Just in time for an April 1 release? RT @james_hibberd: 'Arrested Development' creator: Movie may be out this year.”
--via Twitter, courtesy of TVWithoutPity. I’ll just file this one under “Sad, but probably true.”

Quinn: “I’m torn.”
Santana: “Well, I’m not.”
Brittany: “I’m Brittany.”
--For all of Glee’s faults, and there are a lot of them, Brittany’s deliveries make the one-liners pure gold.

“I don’t want to die yet. At least not till One Tree Hill gets canceled.”
--Oh, Brittany, I should certainly hope OTH gets canceled before you do.

“Blaine and I love football. Well, Blaine loves football. I love scarves.”
--I'm guessing Kurt hails from Mystic Falls originally...

“On TV was a typical Mystic Falls local news broadcast. After several dead bodies had been found THAT MORNING, it seems the authorities had decided to skip the whole homicide investigation part and gone directly into memorial service mode. Fair enough. Nothing unusual about a bunch of dead bodies turning up. More animal attacks probably. At this point the town is just like, ‘Well, the animals are in charge now. Moving on.’"
--Price Peterson for TV.com, regarding the rash of dead bodies on The Vampire Diaries and the total apathy attached. In the chronology of the show, the entire series has taken like, a couple of months maybe? And at least 87 have died. They must have a hell of a lot of people moving to Mystic Falls on a regular basis or they’d have run out by now. I guess with all the death there were be more than a few jobs open… Hey, it's a tough economy out there, people.

Castle: “Get out of town, he’s right down the crater from me!”
Beckett: “Why doesn’t is surprise me that you have property on the moon?”
--I like to think he made a few celestial investments back on that “show [he] used to love.”

“He also told me, you poke a bear, you better have a shotgun pointed at his face.”
--Jarek, from quality new Monday night option The Chicago Code. That line pretty much sums up the show. You take on a corrupt political infrastructure, you better be prepared.

“I think I’ll overrule that on absurdity alone.”
--Denis O’Hare as Judge Abernathy on The Good Wife, hilariously shooting down Michael J. Fox in one of the best courtroom scenes to date.

Peter: [scoffs] “What was my nickname? Burke the Jerk? [pause] Oh, come on!”
Neal: “You tell me what else rhymes with Burke.”
Peter: “Work. Lurk. Smirk. Clerk works…”
--Hehe, oh White Collar, I love it that Peter’s name for Neal was James Bonds, completely badass and something Neal would love, and Neal’s name for Peter was so simple and insulting. Awesome.

Brittany: “Maybe try rocking back and forth, people do that in movies.”
Santana: “I just try to be really really honest with people when I think that they suck. You know?”
--Ryan Murphy episodes of Glee always seem to have an undercurrent of mean, which is actually the best part. And hey, honesty is the best policy… or whatever.

“It’s the boat buying event you’ve been waiting for!”
--I accidentally watched some commercials the other day. Good thing, or I might have missed the nautical retail event of the century! For thousands of years my people have waited for this day…

“Just ‘cause I’ve shot the occasional person doesn’t make me a thief.”
--Raylan Givens on Justified, explaining that his proclivities tend toward the deadly, not thieve-y.

Troy: “Why does being a librarian make her even hotter?”
Abed: “They’re keepers of knowledge. She holds the answers to all of our questions like, who will I marry, and… why are there still libraries.”
--Community, as ever, asking all the right questions.

Chicago Style

So much for preconceived notions. I went in to viewing Fox's newest drama The Chicago Code thinking: Cop Show + Flashdancer = Yay?, but I walked away totally impressed. As it turns out, this seems to be a cop show for people who hate cop shows (me! me!).

Okay, so to say I hate cop shows is an over-generalization. I should clarify that I hate cop procedurals. Much to my delight, The Chicago Code looks to be much more of a serial than most of its genre compatriots. When it comes to TV, I'm will to accept just about any conceit, any backdrop, and any genre, so long as what happens in episode 1 actually matters in episodes 2 and 3. Hell, some of my favorite shows fall into genres that don't generally populate my DVR, but a good serial is a good serial, regardless of subject matter. Meth cookers, 1920s gangsters, backwoods Kentuckian drug dealers, US Marshals, Baltimore cops... they're all fair game when the story actually matters.

The story of The Chicago Code matters. It's not just the story of some random cops taking down A-plot bad guys-of-the-week. It's a story about a city, a social and political heritage, and the people born of such a place. The show was originally titled Ride-Along, and having seen the pilot, the change was warranted. This show isn't just looking at the job, it focuses a magnifying glass at the underlying infrastructure of one of the country's most infamous cities and the police who are trying to make a difference. That sounds incredibly saccharine, but when told through Shawn Ryan's lens, it's gripping and effective.

I have yet to watch Ryan's past show The Shield (it's on my list), but having recently loved and lost Ryan's Terriers, I should have known I was in for far more than a typical Fox drama. The show focuses on police lieutenant Teresa Colvin (played surprisingly well by Jennifer Beals) as she uses her new position of power to try to chip away at Chicago's criminal infrastructure from top to bottom. The pilot began with her doing voiceover narration which made me a little leery, but as the episode unfolded, the narrative reins were handed from character to character. It wasn't so much a cheesy device to impart lazy plot exposition as an effective means of introducing characters and giving them some genuine interest and perspective. It felt more like they were narrating the documentary of their lives and their city, complete with artistic flashbacks to their pasts. Passing it from character to character worked incredibly well and got me invested in these people and this show almost instantly, which allowed the show to deliver quite an emotional wallop with only the pilot under its belt.

Along with Beals, Jason Clarke stars as Detective Jarek Wysocki, Colvin's former partner and newest recruit in her war on corruption. There are a lot of ways the show could have taken this dynamic. At various points during the pilot, I expected the standard "she's a hard-ass, he's a loose-cannon" trope, the "they used to be lovers but now they have to work together" storyline, and worst of all, the deplorable "she's a woman in power who's in over her head and needs someone to save her" bullshit. To my delight and surprise, the writers have played against all those predictable and unwatchable conceits and constructed a rather fresh and engaging relationship between them. Wysocki, playing against type, completely respects Colvin, admires her accomplishments, and feels she is eminently capable. Having the lead male actor, the rough-and-tumble bad boy (sort of) of the show show complete trust in Colvin's abilities helped quash a lot of the the potentially problematic gender issues with the show. Other cops, dirty cops Colvin is ousting that is, might point to her sex as a liability and use it as a flimsy excuse for the way things are, but not Wysocki. In this way, the writers are able to address issues of gender without crippling the show under the weight of a tired routine. Colvin won't have to spend every waking minute proving herself because to the people in this show who actually matter, she already has. Along with Wysocki, Colvin's partner (sort of) Antonio, Wysocki's new partner Caleb, and Wysocki's fellow police officers trust and respect her. That goes a long way to improve the narrative and make this a show that doesn't have me rolling my eyes and cringing.

Wysocki and Colvin form the backbone of the show and I'm already rather intrigued with their dynamic. The writers did a nice job constructing a relationship that had an ambiguous past and a limitless future. They were partners, are friends, and you believe it. He's been established in such a way that the audience likes him, values his opinion, and most importantly, can believe that he's comfortable having a woman in power. Something as simple as positing his dream movie star against his partner's went a long way. Where his new partner came up with Phoebe Cates in Fast Times at Ridgemont High as his wet dream, Wysocki counters with, "Audrey Hepburn, in anything she's ever been in." To juxtapose the typical, juvenile fantasy of Phoebe Cates (which I type "Cakes" every single time, go figure) taking off her bikini with the pinnacle of class and elegance, they've established Wysocki in a way that makes his relationship with Colvin all the more believable. Going one step beyond that, Wysocki, who can't seem to keep a partner for more than a day, goes so far as to say he prefers a female partner. He's been established as a bit of a player (he's engaged to a 27-year-old, but is still sleeping with his wife), so that may seem to indicate that he's simply a Lothario who'd rather stare at a pretty female partner all day, but when it comes to this job, a cop needs someone who has his back. Wysocki may be a ladies' man, but when push comes to shove, he's as comfortable with a female partner, if not more so, than a male (although his new partner seems to be sticking around, and for good reason--rather than being your typical newb, he's actually pretty talented). You can immediately believe how Colvin and Wysocki worked so well as partners. Neither of them has anything to prove and neither of them has gender hang-ups keeping them from connecting. She's not some power-hungry mega-bitch trying to exert dominance in a boys' club. She's just a cop, trying to clean up the city--a goal in which Wysocki is also invested.

I feel like I'm beating the gender issue to death, but it really could have been a horrendous element of the show and turned out to be one of its strongest assets. As such, I can't help but to elaborate. Adding to the gender dynamics of the show are Wysocki's niece Vonda, a new cop, and her partner. During Vonda's voiceover, we learn that when her father was killed (also a cop), Wysocki took her in, and when she told him she wanted to be a cop, he not only didn't discourage her, he pulled strings to get her into the academy quicker. For a viewer such as myself, confidence in the abilities of women goes a hell of a long way and it endeared Wysocki instantly. The show doesn't go overboard in this arena though. This review is making him sound like a card-carrying feminist, and that's really not the impression he gives at all. More than anything, he simply strikes me as a person for whom gender doesn't really matter when it comes to most things, including the job. It simply isn't a factor that really matters all that much. He was established in such a way that when his niece is injured chasing down a bad guy, he gives her a hard time, but not because "this job isn't safe for a girl" as you might expect from a typical cop show. He simply addresses an error in procedure and tells her to be careful the way he would anyone else. He also gives a tantalizing possible hint at his past with Colvin when he asks Vonda if she's sleeping with her partner (who, it just hit me, is played by Todd Williams, aka Bobby Dershewitz on In Plain Sight (!)), saying, "Trust me, being partners is enough to handle." Or something like that. Does this point to something more in his past with Colvin? Or has he simply been around long enough to have seen the fallout before? Whatever it is, I'm thoroughly intrigued. Add to that the fact that Vonda swears she isn't sleeping with her partner, but that she later reveals that she's terrified something might happen to him, and the waters are delightfully muddied once again. They set Colvin and Wysocki up in such a way that a romantic pairing at some point isn't out of the question, but it's very clear that this show isn't hinging on the "will they or won't they" shenanigans of other shows. They have a very different vibe than that at this point and I appreciate it.

Now that I've spent 5 pages establishing just how much of a non-issue gender is, I can move on to the rest of the show. Please try to keep the Hallelujah chorus to yourselves. At the center of the narrative is Colvin's fight against corruption from the top down. The pilot creates an overarching storyline that will allow for the show to grow into nearly any direction it wants to. High ranking city alderman Patrick Gibbons (played to perfection by Delroy Lindo) is as corrupt as they come and is more than willing to kill to maintain power. When Colvin and Wysocki start to uncover some of his shadier dealings, things get even messier than they already were (Gibbons having hired a hit of a whistle-blower who could have exposed his operations). As Colvin recruits Wysocki to form a special task force to look into Gibbons' brand of crime, he takes decisive action. In what came as quite a jarring surprise, the narrative reins had been handed over to Colvin's partner Antonio who was in the middle of giving details about his upbringing, how Colvin had saved him from the streets and encouraged him to be a cop, when his story is cut short. His narration and flashbacks stop almost mid-beat as he and Colvin are gunned down in the street. I honestly didn't see it coming, and even though I only just met these characters, I was emotionally invested in the outcome. That simple narrative device helped establish everyone on the show and help catch viewers completely off-guard. It's not often that I truly care about a set of characters by the end of a pilot, but when Antonio died, it was upsetting. He was a character that I already liked and wanted to learn more about. Killing him off in the pilot not only sets a certain tone for the show and gives these characters additional motivation to take down the city's criminal overlords, but it lets viewers know that this show doesn't pull any punches and that nothing can be taken for granted.

I was a little apprehensive about this kind of show airing on network TV, fearing it couldn't be as gritty or dark as the setting might require. To be honest, I'm a little afraid of just about anything airing on network TV anymore. Cable, especially premium cable, affords so many more options to a show. It's getting to the point where watching a program that has to endure the confines of network standards and practices is taxing, so especially for a show with this kind of subject matter, the Fox label was a bit unnerving. To the show's credit, they actually did a really nice job with it. There were certainly times when I felt they were holding back a bit, but it didn't ruin my enjoyment of the show. In a chuckle-worthy turn, the writers added a narrative quirk for the cleaned-up dialogue by giving Wysocki a distaste for profanity. It was an obvious nod to network confines, but I couldn't help but believe that a guy who adores Audrey Hepburn might also deplore cursing. I'm still a bit apprehensive about how far they'll be able to take such a construct on a big four network, but based on the pilot, I'm hopeful they can pull it off.

Overall, this was a slick production. The budget is clearly there, and the writing and directing had enough uniqueness and style that it had a different vibe than most of what's out there. In spite of network confines, they did a very nice job establishing Chicago as the often notorious city that it is. The story will likely have procedural elements, but there's no escaping the underlying storyline that runs through everything. My only major concern with the show is that I had to dub Jason Clarke Detective Mumbly Mumbleson. Good lord, between his native accent sneaking in here and there, his varying Chicago accent, and his soft, mumbly, word-jamminess, I had a hell of time making out what he was saying a lot of the time. I went back and turned on the subtitles for most of it. While it was annoying as hell, the very fact that I cared enough to make sure I caught every word speaks very highly of the show.

Here's hoping his enunciation and the sound editing is better in the future... and for me there certainly will be a future. It's not often that I set my DVR to record a series after only the pilot, but it's safe to say that The Chicago Code looks to be a winner. It's far and away the best new pilot of the midseason and if Fox had any brains at all, they would have given it a post-superbowl debut.

Pilot Grade: A-

Week-In-Review 2.1

It has become apparent that I need to somehow label these so that I can keep them straight. I'm going to employ a system that I know all to well, the season.episode format, only now with month.week. Here we go!

Most Unexpected Memory Trigger: Betty White at the SAG awards, if you can believe it…
As happy as I was to see 89 year old Betty White take home the statue (even if she actually won for outstanding achievement in the field of still being alive), it also triggered one of those lightning-fast recollections of a dream that I had totally forgotten about. For some reason, I was riding in the backseat of a car (one of those old people cars—you know, the size of a catamaran, all in maroon) with someone I can’t remember and Betty was driving. When I say “driving,” I mean “racing down the freeway like a maniac.” I kept screaming for Betty to stop the car, but she wouldn’t. Then the cops pulled up beside us, sirens blaring, trying to get her to stop. Still no luck. I kept looking over at the cops with a look of “I don’t know what to do” because it was really important to me at the time that they know that I was not in cahoots with Betty White. I seem to recall Betty driving off the road into a ditch after that, much to everyone’s relief. That maniac Betty White would no longer be terrorizing the good people of whatever fictional town my brain had come up with. What this all could mean, I have no idea… If there are any Freudians or dream analysts out there, Merry Christmas.

Best Absence: Al Pacino wins at the SAG awards, but mercifully isn’t there to accept.
Not having to listen to another interminable “speech” from Al Pacino means we’re all winners.

Most Convenient Casting: Paz de la Huerta
Apparently the casting director for Boardwalk Empire wasn’t taking too big of a leap in casting Paz de la Huerta as a half-conscious, grating, incoherent dingbat, as confirmed at the SAG awards. And here all this time I was just hoping she was one hell of a convincing actress. As it turns out, no acting required. In related news, put… the bronzer… down!

Longest Divorce: Chuck
Hot on the heels of its dubious distinction as the “least tempting show saved on my DVR,” I’ve finally, finally, FINALLY broken things off for good. In light of hardly anything being new last night, I started watching one of the saved episodes. After about five minutes, I could hear Jessica Lovejoy’s voice in my head with a plaintive, “Bored now,” and called it quits. Officially. The series has been canceled from my DVR list and all saved episodes have been deleted. If precedent serves, this means the show will now get insanely awesome again, so if you’re sticking with it, you’re welcome.

Most Unhatable Villain: Lie to Me’s baddie-of-the-week
Okay, I realize that the delectable Ashton Holmes (the late great Thom from Nikita) was actually a brutal murderer on last night’s episode of Lie to Me, but I have so many warm and fuzzy feelings about him from his stint on Nikita that I spent the entire episode hoping to hell he got away with it. It wasn’t all that long ago that he got killed (the wound is still a bit fresh in my mind), so it sure was nice to see him crop up on another show (quite frankly, a show that can use all the help it can get). Here’s hoping he lands a regular gig on something worth watching (which is code for, something on cable—ooh! Justified! Please?).

Best Casting News: Kristen Bell in Showtime's House of Lies, a role that might not totally suck.
I think we can all agree that most of her career moves have been more heartbreaking than uplifting. Post Veronica Mars, it’s been pretty painful to watch our darling Veronica in one craptastic romantic comedy after another. Here’s hoping her return to the small screen yields watchable results. Showtime has a pretty good track record, so at least there’s a chance. Kristen really deserves more than just a supporting role, but hey, I’d rather see her play second fiddle on a show that’s good than headline something as horrendous as When in Rome. Oh, wait…

Most Tantalizing Tidbit: Neal Caffrey’s father was a cop!
Can I just say, White Collar took a while to really find solid ground, but now that it’s there, it has become one of my favorite hours of television each week. Maybe it’s that the writers really feel like they know their characters now, or that the network is in full support of the show, or maybe it’s that they finally killed off Kate ("I’ll take Kate Getting Killed for 500, Alex."), but whatever is going on, it’s working. After last week’s flashback episode, I had feared that they would withhold any additional information about Neal’s past until some sort of finale or premiere (which don’t get me wrong, on USA, that’s about all there is), but I was pleasantly surprised to get some tantalizing information about Neal’s real past, not just his criminal past. I love that Neal’s father was a cop. The vibe between Neal and Peter has always had a bit of a father-son vibe to it, so making Neal’s actual father a cop just adds to that. The fact that his father was never around when he was a kid (and was apparently a dirty cop) also gives their vibe a shot in the arm. I thought it was really interesting when Neal said that he learned a lot about guns trying to be like his father, given the fact that it’s been established that Neal hates guns. His relationship with his father (or lack thereof), has helped mold Neal into the man he is today, and essentially Peter is stepping in where his father never did. Neal’s mother claims that his father died when he was a toddler, but I think we all know that he isn’t dead. With the Kate mystery starting to wind down with the revelation of Adler, I’m happy to see them sparking new ones. The actual chronology of events and the veracity of everything Neal told Peter is still up for grabs, but whatever the case may be, I’m thrilled to finally get some basic information about who Neal is and where he came from. I’m secretly hoping there are some siblings out there to be found as well…

Best Showdown: Cary vs Blake on The Good Wife

Second Best Showdown: Eli vs Becca on The Good Wife

Third Best Showdown: Alicia vs Wendy Scott-Carr on, wait for it, The Good Wife

Most Showdowns: Homekeepers with Arthelene Rippy
Or was it The Good Wife? Yeah, in case you hadn’t noticed a pattern here, The Good Wife had kind of an intense week… Homekeepers is really more about passive-aggressive power-plays than showdowns. No really, I’m serious. If you watch The Soup, you know what I mean.

Bloodiest Backfire: Being Human
While it can’t quite hold a candle to the UK original, the US version is well-done and entertaining. And pretty bleak, at times. I had a feeling Aidan’s attempts to glamour that guy wouldn’t end well, but I didn’t expect the guy to kill himself. When Bishop handed Aidan that envelope, I thought of several possibilities for what could be in there, but bloody suicide photos was not at the top of the list. Ouch. Poor Aidan. That’s rough, bro.

Best Shower: One that has Ian Somerhalder in it...
Kudos, Vampire Diaries. Kudos. Ian is also sitting in the "Best Bathtub" category. Man, that was a really good episode, wasn't it?

Sorest Loser with the Most Pathetic Pasta: Mike Isabella on Top Chef
Mike, it’s one thing to be disappointed that you didn’t win, it’s quite another to bitch and moan that Antonia’s dish was “really easy” when all you had to do was make pasta. And you couldn’t. That’s right, jackass, she didn’t beat you with some fantabulous dish. Nope, all she had to do was make something properly and it blew your hard, crunchy, “un-done-te” pasta out of the water. Seriously, I can’t believe he had the gall to call her out for making something simple. Dear Mike, I can’t steam mussels, but I can boil water and dump pasta in, thanks. Bastard. Mike, if you want to beat Antonia, might I make a suggestion?

Best Episode Cliffhanger (muahahahaha division): The Vampire Diaries
I don’t know about you, but I kinda can’t wait for Katherine to get out of the tomb. Did I think for even a minute that it would be Uncle John to get her out? Not a chance. The vampire/werewolf war that’s brewing needs all the badass vampires it can get. There will be blood. Well, more blood.

Best Episode Cliffhanger (ruh-ruh division): Nikita
It doesn’t come as a total surprise that Michael is starting to put the pieces together on Nikita, but that doesn’t make it any less foreboding. His reaction to Nikita outside the museum, however, makes me think that most of his blustering is pure bravado and that he’s isn’t as angry as he claims. I’m loving this show and I can’t wait to see how this one plays out. In other news, uh, Alex? Could you at least try to look like you’re actually capable of subduing a room full of hostages? And couldn’t the show have included at least one other woman in that group? She stuck out like a tiny, teenage thumb.

Quotes of the Week:

Lip: “Debs, was he inside or outside the yard when you grabbed him?”
Debbie: “Inside.”
Lip: “Okay… So, how’d you get him out?”
Debbie: “I waved a Snickers bar at him.”
--Lip trying to figure out just how Debbie stole a 2-year-old from a birthday party and exactly how much trouble she’ll be in on Shameless. It was Debbie’s zealous reading of “Snickers bar” that really sold the line.

“Tell me about your mother. Did she wear hats?”
--Peter, on White Collar, trying to pin down absolutely anything regarding Neal’s dubious personal history, whether sartorial or otherwise.

“This looks like something you’d find at the steam table at your worst enemy’s wedding.”
--Anthony Bourdain (aka the best addition to the show in ages), regarding Mike’s pathetic pasta on Top Chef. Sooo, you’re saying we’re at Mike’s wedding?

Eli: “How is it that I can manage aldermen, judges, and yet I still seem to have this ridiculous little mean girl thorn in my shoe?”
Becca: “Maybe your secretly in love.”
--One of many showdowns in The Good Wife this week. Apparently Eli didn’t watch enough Gossip Girl or he would have seen this coming a mile away. Not that he wasn’t prepared. I think we can all agree that when it comes to politics, Eli is the meanest mean girl in town.

Cary: “You just got my only eyewitness kicked and you want my help?”
Kalinda: “Yeah.”
--Oh, Cary, we all know she does and we all know you will. So would we.

“It’ll murder those fine lines and wrinkles right off your face.”
--Danielle Fishel on The Dish, regarding the Rejuvenique beauty mask.

Damon: “He’s a werewolf. He needs to die. I’m willing to kill. It’s a win-win.”
Elena: "Damon, please. Too many people are dead.”
Damon: “You need to stop doing that.”
Elena: “Doing what?”
Damon: “Assuming that I’ll play the good guy because it’s you who’s asking.”
--The Vampire Diaries. Something wicked this way comes, and he has fabulous blue eyes.

“For reasons that should be obvious, Pierce the Insensitive, known also as Pierce the Dickish and Grandpa the Flatulent, was not invited.”
--Lord of the Rings-y narrator of Community’s Dungeons & Dragons send-up of Pierce.

Open Door Policy

Every time I see an episode of The Good Wife I'm reminded of why I don't write about it very often on this blog. That sounds like it would be an indictment of a show, but for me, it's oftentimes a compliment. There's just way too much to discuss. In a good way. Seriously, never has a show integrated law, sex, politics, religion, race, money, and just about everything else into the fundamental framework of the narrative so seamlessly. Not only do they talk about all the things you're not supposed to mention at a dinner party on the show, but they do so in nearly every single episode. You'd think it would be overstuffed or haphazard, but rather, it's sheer perfection.

It's impossible to even know where to start, so I'm just going to jump in with both feet and hope for the best.

Tuesday's stellar episode (yet another in the long, consistent line of stellar episodes) was a bit different because we finally got to see things from Cary's point of view and got a better look at how the state's attorney's office works. I have always loved Cary dearly, so it was quite nice to see him showcased more prominently on the show. Moving him to the SA's office was a brilliant move, but I think I'm ready for him to rejoin the Lockhart Gardner flock. He actually gets more screentime in his current capacity, but if the show heads in the direction I suspect it will (Cary will return to Lockhart Gardner in a more prominent position, putting him at odds with Alicia in a very direct way), I think he'll get the airtime he deserves on a more regular basis. The real problem is that this show has so many awesome characters that it's nearly impossible to fit everyone into every episode in a meaningful way. Case in point, Will and Diane basically had cameos last night, but somehow the writers balance things incredibly well and make it work. I appreciate a writing staff that doesn't feel like it has to fit everyone in if they aren't really needed, which, with the focus on Cary last night, Will and Diane weren't essential.

Punked
The best part about Cary working for the SA's office is that he knows how to beat Lockhart Gardner. On so many shows, it would seem absolutely ridiculous for one particular SA to run into the same defense team on a weekly basis, but the writers of The Good Wife brilliantly wrote this right into the storyline. Not only does it make total sense for the story that Childs would have Cary work on these cases, but it's also a hell of a lot of fun to watch. Cary knows the partners pretty well, but he knows Alicia through and through. Having competed against her for a year, and been friends with her for almost as long, he knows her tactics, tendencies, and rhythms better than anyone and he uses this knowledge against her to perfection. Oh my god, I loved how he coached that witness to exploit Alicia's routine and screw over her case. She walked right into the trap, thinking she was about to nail the bastard. It's a rare show that sets up its characters in such a way that you find yourself rooting for a different side week-to-week. I don't like to see Alicia lose, but I also love to see Cary win, so it's always a bit of a struggle deciding how I feel about an episode's outcome.

As stated, I enjoy seeing Cary on the other team, but I really miss seeing him work with Alicia as a duo. They always had a really fun, enthusiastic, collaborative vibe between them that was incredibly satisfying to watch. Even if Cary returns to the firm soon, that kind of camaraderie will take a while to rebuild, but I'm eager to see the fireworks until that happens. I have a theory that at some point, for some reason, Cary is going to need Alicia's help with something (maybe he gets caught up in something political or legal that he can't find his way out of or something) and he'll have to begrudgingly call her up. My theory is that that is what will foster a detente and reconciliation between the two. Or, you know, I'm sure Kalinda could talk them into making nice with one hand tied behind her back.

Kinky Boots
Speaking of Kalinda, I think she's the primary reason Cary is sticking with the SA's office for the time being. I have little doubt that he'll return to Lockhart Gardner at some point, but with Kalinda in hot water, it's in her best interest that Cary stay put. I think Cary's last act at the SA's office will involve taking the heat off Kalinda and/or doing something to incriminate Blake in some way. Hopefully both. I love the vibe and chemistry between Cary and Kalinda and it's pretty clear that they do to. It's tongue-in-cheek, sexy, very flirty, and deliciously riddled with innuendo. Above all though, I believe, it's filled with a sort of competitive admiration and respect. He adores her total badassery and she's becoming more and more impressed with his tactics with each passing week. The two have incredible chemistry together and are both sharp enough to go head-to-head with the other. It's kind of like watching Chuck and Blair, although with a disappointing lack of sex. Although, based on the kittenish pose she was striking while waiting for Cary at his office, who's to say that might not change. (I'm operating on the assumption that Kalinda is bisexual. Based on what I've seen and what has been implied, I think it's a safe bet, but I could also see where she's a lesbian who uses her wiles to get the upper-hand. Until we get confirmation one way or the other, I'm going to err on the side of equivocalness.) I'd be happy to see Kalinda hook up with just about anyone (she brings enough sex appeal for even an unlikely pairing), but with Cary? That would be sexy as hell and would add a whole other layer of intrigue to their dynamic. Yes, please!

Kalinda B. Bellows?
As though Kalinda's mere existence were tantalizing enough, we finally got a piece to her puzzle (well, at least a hint at a piece) and why Blake has been calling her Leila all this time. Based on what Blake had to say, it sounds like our saucy, boot-clad little minx faked her death 8 years ago and assumed a new identity. Awesomeness squared. The deeper Blake digs, the more confident I become that he's not long for this world (not that Kalinda would have him killed or anything, but I think we can all agree that Kalinda has ways of destroying people without killing them--even herself, as it were). This show certainly keeps me on my toes, I'll give it that. I'm kinda sorta dying to find out what happened that led to Kalinda faking her death (if that's even what really happened). My dream episode would involve Kalinda's past catching up with her, leading to a series of flashbacks to shed some light on who she really is. Of course, half the appeal of her character is that she's completely mysterious, so I'm pretty sure the writers could give and give and give and there were still be depths to plumb. There are about a billion different directions the writers could take this, but I have a feeling things are going to come to a head toward the end of this season with Cary squaring off with Blake and the SA's office on Kalinda's behalf. With Kalinda and Cary on the same side, I know where I'm placing my bets.

Friday Night Fights
Blake is definitely a force to be reckoned with though and I have a feeling things are going to get a whole lot worse before they get better. Who knew plucky former quarterback Jason Street could be such a bastard? Hehe, it was fun to see Cary and Blake finally come face to face for a number of reasons, but the Friday Night Lights reunion had me grinning from ear to ear (a Cary/Tim Riggins reunion would have been better, but I takes what I gets). I've always enjoyed Matt Czuchry, but with this season of The Good Wife, I'm truly coming to appreciate what a fine actor he really is. That showdown with Blake was reserved on the surface, but you could sense the pure hatred behind Cary's words. Czuchry does a lovely job giving Cary all the facets the role requires and then going above and beyond what's on the page. He imbues every scene with layer upon layer of nuance, almost rivaling the 87 things that are constantly running through Alicia's mind. Much like his character, he's really come into his own in the past year and it really is impressive. I think I might finally stop calling him Logan Huntzberger, which is kind of a big step for me.

Yeah, no one cares about your kids.
During this episode, poor Cary doesn't have Kalinda on his team, so he goes out and recruits the next best thing: his own private detective. Most shows would have just thrown such a character in as a mysterious, shadowy figure with unspeakable methods, but no, The Good Wife puts a spin on everything. Not content to merely toss in a character as needed, they gave him a backstory and individual identity. They take on social issues even when they aren't taking on social issues, and I love that. They also make lovely parallels with other parts of the story, in this case, the mother vs. mother catfight between Alicia and Wendy Scott-Carr. Cary's friend and extremely capable private eye is a stay-at-home dad who basically mortgaged his career to take care of his daughter. It was honestly really sad to see someone with that kind of skill and potential completely wasted on child-rearing. It's what I've been lamenting about stay-at-home moms for ages. Even better, he's one of many stay-at-home dads whose wives have taken over as bread-winner. While it's extremely satisfying to see women escape the rigors of parenthood in the interest of fulfilling their potential, it's still sad to see anyone (in this case, men) falling into that trap. For all his blustering that he loves being a parent and that he and his cohorts are happy to let their more-successful wives bring home the bacon, you can see the underlying resentment deep down. For men who can't understand why women would want to work, take notice. You think raising kids isn't working? Not only is it work, but it's the worst work you can have. Politicos, engineers, businessmen, and other successful professionals giving up who they are and what they love to play paddy-cake? SAD. What's worse, with toddlers being the one and only focus in life, people end up going overboard and assuming that because they've got kids, they're somehow more important than the rest of the world. I spent half the episode feeling bad for this poor guy who threw his life away and the other half mentally berating him to the tune of, "Dude, no one cares about your kid. Except for you, because you have nothing else." I'm sure parenthood is a meaningful life-choice for some people, but seeing that romper room full of ex-professionals whose school and experience are going to waste was just plain dreary. This is why women want to work, fellas. There's more to life than juice boxes.

Scum is the Loneliest Number
While this episode was focused on Cary and the prosecution, there was still a hell of a lot going on with Alicia (you know, what with her being titular wife and all). One of the many things this show does well is making the characters multi-dimensional. Nothing is black and white and no one is invariably good or evil. I think just about every fan of this show has had a hard time with Peter. Season 1 was just so devastating for Alicia, her family, her image, her pride, and her identity. Peter's affair wasn't just an affair, it was near annihilation for his family. Aside from sleeping with hookers, and beyond marital betrayal, Peter is a politician and his infidelity dragged a whole lot of people through the mud and was an abject humiliation for Alicia. That's... not easy to forgive, to put it mildly. I've been steadfastly in the "why the hell doesn't she just leave that philandering, lying, corrupt, manipulative man whore of a husband" camp since the pilot, so redemption has been a hard sell for me. And Alicia. The Will/Alicia/Peter conundrum is probably the best written love triangle on the air and the writers go to great lengths to make the waters as murky as possible. Even though I adore Will and still wish Alicia would just leave Peter already, the writers have constructed the show in such a way that you can understand Alicia's decisions and sympathize with her reasoning. It really is far more complicated than a simple affair. To Peter's credit, he has spent the past season and a half striving for redemption. How genuine his efforts are, I'm still not sure. Heretofore, it's been unclear whether or not his motives are purely family-oriented or if they are politically motivated. It's essential for his career that his wife forgive him, so it's been difficult for me to accept that he truly wants his family back. Well, this week's episode gave Peter the chance to make a grand gesture in the right direction. By dumping his PAC funding, he essentially torpedoed his chances at winning the race, but it sent a very clear message to Alicia about his motives. Most. Expensive. Apology. Ever. Okay, maybe not ever, but in the world of the show, it was a big deal. So big in fact, that Alicia left the door open for their marriage, both literally and figuratively. I still wish she'd just get the hell out of that marriage already, but at least I can better understand her conflicting opinions. Maybe he wants his family back enough that he was willing to pay this much for it, but in the back of my mind, I think he just wants to get laid. This is Peter (apt name) we're talking about.

This post is already a tome, and yet I've only barely scratched the surface. All the delicious Eli Gold political maneuvers, seething rage and manipulation from Wendy Scott Carr, attempted extortion by Becca, mudslinging at candidates children during "silly season," and oh yeah, the A-plot case-of-the-week simply won't get their due. When it all boils down, watching this show is one of the richest, most intriguing, and satisfying hours of my week. It's far and away the best show on network TV and actually manages to hold its own against cable, even while being penned in by standards and practices. It's probably my favorite show right now and I'm actively giddy for each episode that comes down the pike.

Ridiculously long story short, if you haven't given this show a chance, you're truly missing out. The title may make it sound like a Lifetime made-for-TV movie, but it's light-years away from that. I honestly think the title is part of the reason the show's ratings aren't what they should be. Oh, and this show actually makes you think, which we all know people hate to do...

Trust me, it's the good kind of thinking, not the work-y kind of thinking. :)