An Argument with Myself about Being Human

In just about every show, sooner or later, there comes a time when it becomes difficult to watch. There are various reasons this may happen, but the primary causes for me are 1) the quality has decreased to the point of unwatchability, or 2) I'm so wholly and entirely invested in what's going on that I'm actually afraid to see where things are headed (especially if one of my favorite characters is headed in an unfortunate direction). Well, the British version of Being Human certainly isn't lacking in quality, but good god, the shit that Mitchell is going through right now is getting hard to watch.

Word of warning, what started out as one of my usual discussions of television somehow morphed into me arguing with myself for several paragraphs...

My relationship with the show has always been pretty intense. I fell hard for the series a couple of years ago and have kept up with on BBC America for the past three seasons. The show is incredibly well-crafted, well-plotted, and engaging from top to bottom (far more so than its American cousin on Syfy... more on that later). In spite of the sheer absurdity of the concept on paper (a ghost, a werewolf, and a vampire rent a flat together), the basis of the show, and its true power has also been the friendship between Annie, George, and Mitchell as they try desperately to live normal lives. Their often misguided or unsuccessful attempts at "being human" form the narrative nuts and bolts, but its the mental and emotional impact on their dynamic that forms the true impetus for the series.

It's impossible not to get wound up in these three characters and after only the pilot, I was completely invested. Now, becoming invested in the characters is an essential part of any successful viewing experience. For me at least, if I don't really care all that much about the characters, I couldn't care less what happens to them. I was going to make that statement more universal, initially assuming that that would be a requirement for all people, but then I pulled myself back and looked at how ridiculously successful crime procedurals are. The reason so many people love those shows is the reason I generally don't love those shows, it seems. I'm continually amazed at how often I come across comments about these shows like, "I hate it when they get into the personal lives of the characters. Why can't they just stick to the case?" Um, are you kidding me? The only time I do care about these kinds of shows is when there's some meaningful character development... Anyway, that's beside the point. For a serial like Being Human, the nitty gritty details of week-to-week occurrences are only important in terms of character impact and motivation. Even the little things tend to mean a lot, so when big things are going down, it means a hell of a lot (and with this show, that hell might very well be literal).

Which brings us to now now. This show always has a whole lot of crazy going on, but lately it seems like Mitchell has been bearing most of the conflict. It's getting to the point where I almost don't even want to know what hell is up next for him. Poor guy just can't seem to catch a break. After last season, watching Mitchell completely fly off the rails and start slaughtering people, I figured the show would maybe rein things back in for him a little, but man alive, things have only gotten worse. I adore Mitchell and seeing him so utterly wracked with guilt is killing us both. Aside from the emotional turmoil that's tearing him apart, the dread that the walls are about to collapse in on him is making me incredibly anxious. As if the human legal authority catching wind of his involvement in the jaw-dropping Box Tunnel 20 Massacre wasn't scary enough (yeah, thanks for that one, Nina), he also has the entire vampire contingent seeking revenge, a "wolf-shaped bullet" aimed at his head, and an interpersonal dynamic among his friends that is crumbling right before his eyes. It's incredibly riveting to watch, but I'm just not sure how much more I can take. I'm just entirely too invested in Mitchell and it's breaking my heart.

It's also raising an eyebrow or two. I'm having a hard time coming to grips with a lot of Mitchell's decision for emotional reasons, sure, but also for purely logical ones. From what I know of Mitchell, and at this point, that's quite a lot, many of his actions of late have been completely out of character. Is this because he's been suppressing who he really is and now the real Mitchell is coming through? Is this merely a convenient narrative decision? Last season Mitchell did a lot of stupid/crazy/violent/horrific things that weren't in line with the Mitchell we knew form season 1, but it all made sense. He was spiraling and his actions reflected that fact. With season 3, however, his motivations seem so much murkier and less in line with what I think Mitchell would really do. The thing that has been bugging me is Mitchell's feverish, panicked determination to stay alive. I realize that sounds stupid (Uh, duh, of course he wants to stay alive...), but no. This is a character who has stared down certain death on numerous occasions and for far smaller reasons. Is it that he's with Annie now? Is that why he's so terrified of fate catching up with him? Was it his trip to hell that has made him so fearful? I can theorize a lot of different ways in which it would make sense for Mitchell to risk the lives of those around him to save his own skin, but for some reason, it's just not sitting right with me. For someone like Mitchell, carrying about the guilt and regret and emotional baggage that he does, it just doesn't seem to fit that he would be so terrified of death, especially when it comes to his friends' best interests. He would do anything for them, even die. Hell, he went soldiering into ghostly unknown after Annie, not afraid in the least of never coming back, but now he hides a secret that puts them all in very real danger? He bargains with Herrick for information? He contracts to have McNair taken for dog fights when deep down, he has to know that it puts George, Nina, and the boy in danger? He saves Annie only to emotionally destroy her later? It just isn't sitting well. Maybe it's simply that I hate seeing him suffer.

My rationale for all of his actions is that he wants to be the hero, but he really sucks at it most of the time. I think maybe he wants to make amends and set things right (to the extent possible) and he can't do that if he's dead. He certainly has been known to go about things in the wrong way before, so maybe I'm just projecting my hopes for him as a character in such a way that won't allow for him to make these kinds of terrible decisions. There has to be a part of him that is intentionally detaching from his worldly connections because of his glimpse into his own fate. A fate which is entirely wrapped up in his interactions with werewolves. In spite of all that though, I have to believe that he would never betray George. When Mitchell told George in Sunday's episode, "I choose you," it was the first real glimmer of the Mitchell I know and love in far too long. Nina may have lost all faith, but George is still hanging on... for now.

Whatever my hang-ups may be, it's generally a sign of awesomeness to come that I have a hard time getting through certain episodes of a show. In season's past, things were at least as dire, although it seemed that the heartache was a bit more evenly distributed. Maybe that was the difference. Sure George and Nina have their worries about the baby (speaking of storylines that I'm having a hard time with, although for entirely different reasons), and Annie doesn't know how to be with Mitchell, but compared to the shit storm raining down on our resident vampire, that's seems like child's play. After 2 1/2 seasons though, I can see where for the writers, that might just be how it has to be. George and Annie are the heart and soul of the show, but Mitchell is the conflict, the passion, the drive, and the drama. Without him, where would they be? While bad things generally tend to just kind of happen to George and Annie, Mitchell is almost always the instrument of his own destruction. (And the destruction of everyone else, for that matter...) His mistakes are so much grander and reach so much further than anyone else's. I guess that's what truly makes it so hard to watch him fail. As if he weren't hard enough on himself, he's got everyone collapsing around him. Geez, it's truly amazing that this show retains as much humor as it does. In spite of all the dark, it's still funny as hell.

So where does the show go from here, I ask myself? I can see where, in spite of my own difficulties in accepting Mitchell's decisions, this season might be the story of his journey back from the brink. While on the one hand, that sounds like marvelous television that I can't wait to see, on the other, much heavier hand, I have a sickening feeling that things won't end well for Mitchell, even if they do. I have heard rumor that Aidan Turner (the dashing fellow who plays Mitchell) won't be back for season 4. This means that the remainder of the current season could go in just about any direction, but all of them ending with heartbreak. As I see it, the rest of this season can go in one of two ways for Mitchell: 1) He'll finally reject his notions of "being human," accept himself for the monster he is, and leave the company of his friends (whether alive or not), or, much more likely, 2) Mitchell will push his friends to the limit with his selfish actions, but as the ticking clock counts down to zero, he'll make the ultimate sacrifice to save his friends and prove his humanity after all. I have a feeling we're headed down path number 2, but that basically means things are going to get a whole lot worse before they get better, and even when they do, it'll still end with Mitchell's death. I'm just not sure I can handle that right now. This show is brilliantly written and I trust in the writers' instincts most of the time, but even if it were the greatest hours of television ever, it's still going to be devastating. My ultimate prediction? Things will come to a head in such a way that the only means of saving their world is for Mitchell to die, at the hands of his best friend. While it was unduly awesome to see Mitchell call out Nina ("I should have known it would be you."), I think for maximum emotional destruction, it's going to be George who kills him. This season has been setting it up for the most impact. We've already seen George at near devastation levels at the mere thought of Mitchell not returning from limbo, and we've seen him reject violence toward others numerous times (but now to the extent that he protects Herrick of all people), so to see George kill his own best friend? Man alive, I really don't know if I can handle that. If I could be sure that Mitchell were coming back next season, I wouldn't be so apprehensive, but hearing that he might not? That's a fate worse than cancellation.

I guess what it really boils down to is that I wish I had someone in my life who watched this show as well. I've been tempted to email Matt Roush with my misgivings, but as is clearly evident, I can't even sort my thoughts out enough to make an intelligible email. My new goal is to get someone in my office watching the show, but by the time they caught up, I fear the end would have already come for my dear Mitchell. Sigh... I honestly don't know how the show will survive without him. He's the core of the show for me in so many ways... Double sigh...

Point of reference, I do not have such conflicted, lengthy conversations with myself about Syfy's stab at Being Human. I enjoy the show well enough, but now that the original is back, I find myself caring less and less. The US adaptation has been far too vested in the storylines of its predecessor and I find myself getting a bit weary. I had heard that they would be veering decisively off the British path by about episode 6, but that still hasn't happened. Little changes here and there, but I certainly knew that little boy was going to find the vampire porn, get hit by a car, and then turned into a vampire. Aidan killing the boy was a nice twist, but I need a lot more variation than that. The US edition can't establish itself as its own entity quickly enough. Quite frankly, it differed more from the UK version in its first episode than it has ever since. I'm still hopeful it can find its own path, but I really thought they would have done that by now...

Alas, it's an embarrassment of riches. The British version has so much going for it that I can't really fault the Syfy version for towing the line. Maybe someday I'll be having deep discussions with myself about the merits of Aidan's, Josh's, and Sally's actions on the US version, but I think we're a lot way off. It's been interesting to see how they've handled the same storylines if for no other reason than to see how ill-equipped the American version is to grapple with the kind of depth offered by its cousin across the pond. Perhaps it's just be that the constraints of American basic cable simply not allow for the complexity and conflict associated with this kind of show. We'll see.

Until then, I'm going to keep biting my nails, furrowing my brow, and watching certain scenes through the lacunae between fingers. It's going to be rough, peeps, and I'm slightly terrified. Maybe that's why people love the cardboard characters on their crime procedurals... If there's nothing to invest in, there's nothing to lose (which I accidentally typed, "If there's nothing to invest in, there's nothing to love." That kind of says what I wanted to say better than I actually said it. Ain't always the way.)

Week-In-Review 3.3

For a random week in March without a ton of new shows, this post certainly did get ridiculously long. I'm going to have to seriously cut back come finale season. Sheesh, these are getting out of hand.

Mind-Blowing Realization of the Week: Emily Prentiss is Kathy from Friends?!
Holy shit, peeps, I still can’t believe it. I have seen every episode of Criminal Minds and every episode of Friends (about 12 times), but I never put the Paget Brewster connection together. I was watching an old episode of Friends (the one where Chandler thinks his actress girlfriend Kathy is cheating on him) and it hit me like a ton of bricks. That’s Prentiss!!! I can’t believe I never realized it before. In my defense, she looks completely different now, but still. I’m usually so good at this. They might just revoke my professional television status after a blunder like this… (And no, I have no idea who “they” is, but I hear they’re ruthless…)

Poorest Second Showing: Breakout Kings
I had hoped that the show would improve after a mediocre pilot, but instead, it got even worse. It very quickly went from “seriously flawed, but with potential” to “seriously unwatchable”. Episode two was simply awful. I will not be giving this sucker a third week. The writing it just plain terrible. This is the kind of concept that should have been very easy to make a decent show out of, but they failed hook, line, and sinker. They seem to be having a ridiculously difficult time finding anything for these convicts to do. Seriously, Jimmi Simpson’s eccentric genius is the only one who even kind of helps, and even then, that’s barely even some of the time. At other times, he’s making brilliant deductions about the new token hot chick. “If you were really a breaking and entering expert, you would have helped open that locked trunk.” You mean the trunk that had been burned up in the fire, so that other guy easily broke the lock off with one good hit of an axe handle? That trunk? Exactly how many people do you think it takes to hit a lock? Do you really think it would have been a better use of everyone’s time for her to have picked a $2 pad lock rather than just breaking the damn thing? Stupid. Incredibly stupid. There are a million ways the writers could have subtly constructed a scene that would have exposed New Token Hot Chick as a liar, but that had to be the absolute lamest way. When you’re working within a genre that is this unbelievably popular, you have to do it well. Incredibly well. With each passing scene, I grew more and more annoyed that some other TV crime fighting team wasn’t on the case. The Criminal Minds crew would have solved this ages ago, and in a much more believable way. The writing on this show is just lazy, ridiculous, and boring. It’s also…

The Show Most Clearly Written By Men, More Men, and Only Men: Breakout Kings
It’s generally a safe bet that the entire creative team of a show is comprised of men when the male characters on the show are allowed to be completely unappealing, but the women are all insanely hot, even if that doesn’t make the slightest bit of sense. The Original Token Hot Chick at least had a reason to be that hot (she was a grafter and a former beauty queen (you know, because that’s not the kind of backstory a bunch of men would come up with at all)), but the New Token Hot Chick? Ha! Her name is Erica, apparently (of course her name is Erica), and she’s billed as this badass tough chick who learned the ways of bounty hunting from her father (because the only way women can become good at anything but cooking and laundry is if they learn it from their father or brothers, you know) and then avenged his death by killing 5 guys (allegedly)… all while sporting flawless make-up and pink, shiny lip gloss. Seriously, it was ridiculous. Straight out of prison and she looks like she just fell out of a Gucci ad. I might have been more forgiving if her clothes had been impeccable as well (maybe high-end is just how she rolls), but no, her clothes were shabby and sloppy, which made the beauty make-up stand out even more (and for all the wrong reasons). Oh sure, the men on the show are allowed to look the part, but the women sure aren’t. Even their tech analyst (their Penelope Garcia, if you will) is gorgeous. Not as heavily made-up, but still far too attractive for the role. I’m not saying these characters should be hideous, but if you insist on super models, at least try to make them look the part.

Worst Set Design: America’s Next Great Restaurant
Ha! Okay, I know no one really watches this show (and I can see why, it has some serious conceptual problems), but I simply must comment on the set. Okay, literally, for the elimination at the end of the episode, the camera physically couldn’t fit all the competitors into the shot, and of the half it could fit, two of them were obscured by a giant pillar. Boy, it’s too bad there aren’t any other elimination competition shows out there that they could use as a model…

Saddest Cancellation News: The Dish
Seriously? The programming slate for the Style Network is basically a giant steaming pile of total shit, with one lone exception: The Dish. So of course that’s the show that gets cancelled. Oy.

Best Pick-Up News: Community
Yay! Yes, that's right, folks, Community will be back this fall for a third season in spite of lackluster ratings. It really is the best comedy on air, so I'm thrilled beyond thrilled that it'll be back again. Now I just have to worry about Nikita and The Chicago Code... Once those two are out of the woods, I can relax.

Most Improbable Paternity: Shameless
It keeps dawning on me in little ways, but this show has really hit its stride. I’m so glad I stuck with it past the first few rocky episodes. They seem to have nailed down just who these characters really are and what the show is really about. Most recently, it was about paternity. In spite of obvious visual signs to the contrary, ostensibly interracial baby Liam actually is the spawn of Frank Gallagher, but red-haired Irish lad Ian isn’t. Ha! Okay, so apparently one of his uncles is actually his father, so it’s all in the family, but it was still a pretty awesome reveal. So let’s see, that means that Ian and Lip are both half brothers and first cousins… First brothers? Two-thirds brothers? Premium cousins? I never was good as these familial relationships…

Best Brothers (or Whatever They Are): Lip and Ian on Shameless
Speaking of Ian and Lip, I absolutely adore their relationship on the show. I was initially a bit turned off by Lip, but more and more, he’s stealing the show. He and Ian have a dynamic between them that’s equal parts brothers, confidantes, protectors, and friends. Even though they have a very friendly vibe most of the time, it’s always satisfying to see Lip play the role of older brother. He does it in really subtle ways, but with really powerful results. Even in the face of the catastrophe that is their family and the fact that they all had to grow up way too fast, the basic foundations remain. At the end of the day, each member of the family has to pull his/her weight to keep the family afloat, but Ian is still his little brother, and he would do anything for him. Even take a beating.

Sneakiest Teamwork: Teresa and Jarek on The Chicago Code
I suspected they were in cahoots all along, but I’ll be damned if they didn’t sell the lie (even if it did come at Caleb’s expense). Nicely played.

Character That Most Definitely Needs to be Recast: Sally on Being Human (US)
Good god, she’s grating. The ghost character on the British series is charming and warm and quirky. The ghost on the US version is nothing but whiny, nagging, and bitchy. While the writing bears a fair bit of the blame, I think it’s Meaghan Rath’s portrayal that is the real problem. It makes total sense on the British version why the vampire and werewolf would adore their ghostly roommate and be protective of her, but on the US edition, I kinda just want to kill her again. Heretofore, I’d have labeled her as the "Character Most in Need of Becoming Corporeal", but at this point, not only do I hope she remains completely ineffectual, I keep hoping her door will show up. Man alive, doors showing up on the UK version are simply terrifying. Here? Bring on the biggest effing door you can find! (The “effing door,” most commonly used in stately manor homes, was first manufactured in Britain in the late 17th century and is named after the county of East Effing…)

Best Direction: Kurt and Blaine Kiss on Glee
We’ve all known this was coming for a long time, but hats off to the promotional department for not spoiling it for us. I thought it was done in a really lovely way. Unlike every other aspect of the show, it wasn’t some big, flashy, loud production. They allowed for Kurt and Blaine to have a truly touching, subdued, very quiet moment together. The camera didn’t cut away, the music didn’t swell into a tidal wave, and there were no spectators or back-up dancers. It made the kiss feel a lot more authentic and emotional than other elements of the show. By being the least theatrical moment, it actually made it all the more powerful. It was also very nice to see that Kurt and Blaine have a hell of a lot of actual chemistry together. So often a will-they-or-won’t-they couple has a boatload of theoretical chemistry, but then it fizzles. Not with Kurt and Blaine. I believed every second and I’m excited to see where they’re relationship goes from here.

Most Compatible Characters with the Least Compatible Voices: Sadly, Kurt and Blaine
As much as I enjoyed seeing Kurt and Blaine together onstage, I have to admit that their voices didn’t really complement each other very well. Each of them is amazing on them is amazing on his own, and they both seem to have a ridiculous amount of vocal chemistry with Rachel, but together? I was underwhelmed. The emotional register was a whole lot smoother than the vocal register, and that’s truly a shame because I have a feeling these two will be singing together a whole lot more. Maybe it was just this particular song that didn’t suit them… They’ve sung together in the past and it sounded good, so here’s hoping for better in the future.

Most Unnecessarily Dramatic Music: The Biggest Loser
Okay, seriously, simmer down, Show. I’m pretty sure the contestants won’t be shoved off a cliff or fed to alligators if they don’t lose any weight this week. Jesus, based on the music you’d think it were the END OF THE WORLD. Get a grip.

Least Subtlety: Kathy Griffin as Sarah Palin on Glee
You just couldn’t help yourself, could you Ryan Murphy? Funny, sure, but it seemed a little too easy. To boot, they didn’t seem to take full advantage of the situation. It was amusing, but it should have been hilarious.

Most Irritating “Musical” Internet Meme: Friday by Rebecca Black
Good god, if only this song were as “fun, fun, fun, fun” as she seems to think her life is. I couldn’t bring myself to embed that piece of shit, but I’m guessing you’ve already seen it anyways.

Best Musical Internet Meme: Ching Chong by Jimmy Wong
In response to Alexandra Wallace’s unbearably moronic, ridiculously racist rant, Jimmy Wong responded with a delightfully catchy, hilarious musical rebuttal. Awesome. He most certainly does warrant embedding.



Dumbest Deed: Winona on Justified
Oh, for hell’s sake, Winona. Look, I’ve always liked you, but seriously? You took a $100 bill out of evidence to “see if it was real”? Were you planning on taking the rest if it was? Oh, lordy. In what universe was that a good idea? Not this one, apparently. Next week looks to be a nightmare. It’s to the show’s credit that I’m all anxious about the episodes to come. I’m so invested in these characters that it makes me all squicky inside at the thought of them getting in trouble. Seriously Winona, you couldn’t have shoved that bill down your shirt or eaten it or something?! That’s what I would have done.

Most Hilarious Chase: The Geriatric Great Escape on Justified
Oh my god, I was laughing so hard when that old, enfeebled bank robber started hobbling toward the plane and soon-to-be-a-senior-citizen Art Mullen came after him. Ha! Oh man, dragging the oxygen tank behind him and everything. So great. I love this show.

Best Finale: Face Off
Despite the fact that they picked the wrong winner, this show turned out to be a hell of a lot of fun, reviving the tired routine with a truly original concept. I would have thought that a movie make-up competition in the vein of Project Runway would have been unbearably lame, but it was actually fascinating. The contestants were extremely talented (well, most of them), and the challenges were original and visually appealing. Unlike on Top Chef, where I just have to take the judges word for it, or on Project Runway, where the judges are smoking crack, I was able to form an opinion of who did well and who didn’t and the judges were almost always on the same page. That’s the virtue of a visual medium that isn’t a slave to trends. It’s either well done or it isn’t. That said, I can see where they chose Connor for their big winner, but I would have liked to have seen Gage win. The final challenge required the contestants to revamp a fairy tale with an adjective in mind (Industrial Hansel and Gretel, Psychedelic The Little Mermaid, Post-Apocalyptic Red Riding Hood, Haunted Frog Prince). Sure Connor’s technical precision was impressive and superior (the inflatable throat bubble was particularly good), but I still don’t get how his Frog Prince was “haunted” exactly… Gage’s finale tableau was far more imaginative and interesting, taking Hansel and Gretel and turning it into an urban nightmare where the witch wins. His was far and away the most captivating piece, even if Connor’s was more technically proficient. Anyway, this show has been renewed for next season, so keep an eye out for it. Trust me.

Most Conflicted Send-Off: Prentiss on Criminal Minds
This one is a tough call for me. I’ve really enjoyed the Prentiss-was-actually-a-spy-and-now-her-old-enemies-are-trying-to-kill-her storyline. It took a character I liked well enough and turned her into one of the best characters on the show. I’m truly sad to see her go, especially after the show fired JJ earlier this season. I don’t know what the hell the writers are thinking because near as I can tell, they seem to be eliminating all the strong female characters. Maybe they just hate women? No, maybe they just hate interesting women. Blonde for blonde, JJ was, is, and will always be a hell of a lot more engaging than her replacement on the show. I think it wouldn’t sting so much to lose JJ and Prentiss if Seaver were better, but fact is, she ain’t. So boring. So bland. Anyway, Prentiss’ final episode was exciting and epic and befitting her character. That said, the big fakey death scene was over the top and the whole “she’s not actually dead” aspect has been done. A lot. (“So, Cordelia’s going to okay, huh?”) I was less annoyed by it here than on other shows though because it actually made sense for the character. Prentiss was a super-secret international agent. It actually makes sense that she would fake her death (hey, she’s done it before) and make a run for it. It was also nice to see JJ assume a fundamental role in Prentiss’ new identity. JJ didn’t get nearly enough screen time in this episode, but the closing scene between her and Prentiss was a nice touch. I liked that they didn’t show us Prentiss’ face as she walked away. She’s a different person now and only JJ knows the full truth. (It appeared that Hotch was let in on the whole “she ain’t dead” aspect though… not sure how I feel about that.) Anyway, even though part of me would have liked to have seen the show take the creative plunge and killed her off, I’m intrigued to see if she ever comes back. I find that I’m invested in her character now more than ever and would love to see who the new Prentiss is. Paget Brewster has the option of returning to the show next season, and assuming the pilot she’s attached to fails (and it probably will), I’m hoping she takes them up on the offer.

Character Most in Need of Better Hair: Dr. Reid on Criminal Minds
I adore my good friend Dr. Reid, but I’m hating the short hair. Hell, he and his long hair were the primary reasons I started watching this show in the first place, thinking to myself, “Well, he’s easy to look at…” But now? Yikes. Seriously, he’s about 70% less attractive with the short cut. Seriously show, you get rid of JJ, Prentiss, and Reid’s hair? All in one season? That's just mean.

Greatest Misnomer: Top Chef All-Stars
I beg to differ. This season was supposed to be the best of the best, but I’m unimpressed. I don’t think anyone expected the finals to look like this and I don’t think the judges have been all that thrilled with a high percentage of dishes. Challenge for challenge, contestant for contestant, dish for dish, this ain’t the “All-Stars”. Season 6 was the All-Star season with the Volts, Kevin, and Jen knocking it out of the park. I’m still bummed that Jen didn’t have a better showing this season and I still think she should have been in the finals of season 6. Anyway, all I can say is, I was glued to the screen for season 6, but now? I’m pretty bored and unimpressed. Hell, last night I watched Face Off in full, riveted at every turn, but I quickly skipped to the end of Top Chef just to see who was sent packing. Worst of all? I didn’t even really care who it was. Oh, Tiffany went home? Huh.

Best Guest Star: Enver Gjokai on Community
Victor! So nice to see you back in action. Man alive, I love Community but it makes me pine for far too many shows gone by… Dollhouse, you are missed. Sigh…

**Quotes of the Week**

“I just realized we're only on season TWO of Glee. Man, this is going to be a long slog.”
--via twitter, courtesy of JenniferArrow. I hear ya, sister.

“Now Lisa Guerrero has set her sights on fraudulent psychics. Or as they’re more commonly known, psychics.”
--courtesy of The Dish. You were never quite The Soup, but still a lot of fun. You’ll be missed.

“Next time you’re thinking about dropping in, DON’T. You’ve fucked up our lives enough already.”
--Lip, on Shameless. His character has gotten so great. As his mom was pleading with him to give her another chance, he started tearing up and I thought he was going to cave, but then he pushed her away and made it very clear that there are some things you simply can’t atone for that easily. Wow.

Mayor’s Lackey: “Now, don’t go making threats against the mayor. He’s the one who put you in this job. You don’t bit the hand—“
Teresa: “—that is slapping me in the face.”
--Teresa Colvin on The Chicago Code, making it very clear that she will be no one’s puppet.

“Why did that soothsayer tell Caesar to ‘Beware the Ides of March’ when he could've more helpfully said, ‘Beware the knives of stabbers’?”
--Conan O’Brien, via twitter.

“Kurt, there is a moment when you say to yourself, ‘Oh, there you are. I’ve been looking for you forever.’ Watching you do Blackbird this week… That was the moment for me. About you. You move me, Kurt.”
--Blaine, finally opening his eyes and seeing what was right in front of him on Glee. Darren Criss really did a lovely job with that scene. Very sincere, but not saccharine. This scene could have easily turned into a sappy, cringe-worthy ode, but it was very restrained, honest, and subtle.

“I don’t even remember putting that in there.”
--Brittany, on Glee, regarding the mountain of dirt that spilled out of her locker upon opening it. Oh, sweetie. Just precious. I love Brittany.

“Marrying into Coldplay has long been an acceptable way to break into music #OnionMusicTips”
--TheOnion, via twitter. Well, it certainly wasn’t her voice.

“Much as I might like to personally throw Mr. Crowder’s ass in a holding cell, I think a threat against a federal officer would be a little more specific. Something more along the lines of, ‘If you disrespect Miss Crowder again, I’ll beat the ever-loving shit out of you.’”
--Art Mullen, becoming more and more badass with each passing episode of Justified. Coming to Boyd’s defense was awesome enough, but to bring Boyd’s seething anger to the forefront while taking the feds to task was even better.

“Well, when someone is threatening a woman that you care deeply for, there is no end to the lengths that you will go to keep that woman safe. Now, I seem to recall you being in that situation a time or two yourself. In fact, I seem to recall you being in the same situation… with the same woman. Ain’t that something.”
--Boyd Crowder on Justified. He is far and away the best character on the show. He’s just so calm when he’s taking people to task. He uses a soft, sedated tone that is disarming and terrifying at the same time.

Raylan: “Do you know where I’m from, Asshole?”
Bank Robber: “No.”
Raylan: “Harlan County.”
Bank Robber: “So?” [Raylan punches him]
Raylan: “Down there we know the difference between dynamite and road flares.”
--Justified. I love how this show takes full advantage of its characters and uses their backgrounds to the fullest. Of course Raylan knows exactly what dynamite looks like. Anyone from mining country would.

Week-In-Review 3.2

Well, kiddies, March is upon us. That's means we're in for a major slump in new programming. February is a sweeps month (hence all the explosions and whatnot), and shows end their seasons in May (yet another sweeps month), so March is the wayward middle child who gets no attention. Quite frankly, it it weren't for cable, I'd be in sorry shape right now. Anyway, there may be some slim pickins in the weeks to come, but here's what struck me this week.

Saddest Kiss: Being Human (UK)
This show has the most amazing ability to balance the utterly hilarious and the completely heart-breaking. It never does anything in the straight-forward way that you’d except and always keeps you on your toes. Having alluding to an Annie/Mitchell hook-up in previous episodes, viewers knew something was coming, but I don’t think any of us expected the long-awaited kiss to come in such a devastating way. Poor Mitchell. Guy just can’t catch a break. Honestly, you slaughter a few people on a train and everything just falls apart.

Mediocre-est New Show: Breakout Kings
I neither liked nor disliked this show enough to write a full post about it. Plus, with it airing on A&E, I’m probably the only one who saw it anyways. It’s essentially the Mod Squad, but with the US Marshals holding the reins and the convicts only allowed out of prison for each case. It’s a concept that’s been done a million times because it’s usually pretty successful. With Breakout Kings, I think we have an unfortunate case of “Lots of potential, failed execution.” It wasn’t a total disaster, but if I had to sum the pilot up in two words or less, I’d go with “seriously flawed.” Those were actually the first words out of my mouth as the pilot drew to a close. The real problem with the show is that the writers seemed to be having a hell of a time coming up with things for the convicts to do. It really shouldn’t be that hard to find awesome uses for their criminal talents, but the pilot basically had one guy pick a lock, the token hot chick hit on a guy to steal his cell phone (I got the disconcerting feeling that the writers seriously didn’t know what to do with her character) and get free breakfast, and the ever-present socially-awkward genius on these shows (he’s basically Dr. Reid) determined that a girl was telling the truth. Um, yay? For a concept like this, I was surprisingly bored. The Dr. Reid of the show is the real star and was the only character that I actually invested in. He’s played by Jimmi Simpson (who played Mary in the Mr. Yang episodes of Psych) and he’s the only actor who really brought anything special to the table. I don’t think he’ll be able to make up for the rest of the cast, but he made it worth it for me to give the show one more week. Theoretically, this show should be exciting and awesome, so maybe there’s still a chance. After only the pilot, however, I’m very tempted to just stick with White Collar for all my cop/criminal alliance needs. I’d give the Breakout Kings pilot a C-.

Most Heavy-Handed, yet Ambiguous Metaphor: Soda Destruction on Shameless
So… as a card-carrying English major, I’ve been trained to look beneath the surface, but not always with successful or pleasant results. At first glance, a vigorous sex scene between Karen and Lip intercut with a scene of Carl tossing a 2-liter bottle of soda off a ledge and exploding on impact (“Shatter-proof, my ass…”) seemed mildly incongruous. After about a second and a half of thinking however, I can’t decide if the exploding soda was a metaphor for sexual climax or it goes beyond that and points to a condom breaking (in which case, an unfortunate pregnancy storyline will likely be forthcoming). I’m hoping for the former, but I have a sinking feeling it’s the latter.

Most Devastating Reunion: Mama Gallagher on Shameless
This show was little hit or miss at the beginning, but in recent episodes it seems to have really hit its stride. Sunday’s outing was excellent in general, but really became a force to be reckoned with in its final scenes. I’d been wondering whatever happened to their mother (Monica) since day one, and now we know. Turns out, Frank was the better parental option. Ouch. To have their mother desert them in the first place must have been devastating, but to have her return intent on taking the younger children? That’s just unbearably cruel. Especially for Fiona, who was forced to step in and be the mother for the past two years. Man alive, seeing Carl and Debbie hug Monica after she asks to be their mother again was like a punch in the face. It’s understandable that 9 and 10 year old kids would be able to look past the desertion in the interest of getting mommy back, but that doesn’t take away the sting. This show does a wonderful job of exploring how different a family dynamic is for younger and older children and it always shows on the faces of the older kids just how screwed up things really are.

Best Reason to Reunite with an Ex: House
I broke up with this show at the beginning of this season, but, upon hearing about Monday’s episode, decided to tune in. A singing, dancing, piano-playing House? Um, yes please. Aside from the boring-as-ever random patient of the week, it was a wonderful episode that managed to take an unbelievably tired routine and make it something special. Asking Mia Micheals to choreograph was the first step in the right direction. The other genre nods were entertaining and all, but the warped Busby Berkeley number was tremendous.

Soundest Termination: Charlie Sheen
Um, WINNING. (That would be society.)

Most Ridiculous Deluge of New Pilots: Click HERE for a list of all the newest pilots and the array of talent attached to them. Please bear in mind that a pilot being filmed does not mean that a show will necessarily show up on your TV anytime soon (or ever, in a lot of cases). From what I’ve read, there may be a few winners this coming fall, but by and large, it’s more of the same shit.

Most Disconcerting Tease: True Blood promo for season 4
Well, Eric has apparently lost his memory… which, at a thousand years old, is quite a lot to lose. I’m not sure how I feel about this. Eric is the primary reason I watch the show, so if Eric isn’t Eric, does it make a sound? You know what I mean.

Best Attempt at a Return to Form: Glee
So, after over a month of nothing but lackluster, disappointing episodes courtesy of Ian Brennan and Ryan Murphy, we finally got a Brad Falchuk episode to ease the pain. It wasn’t one of his best episodes, but even his worst attempts are generally better than his fellow writers. What’s this? Emotional resonance and character development?! Huzah! I could live without the PSAs though, I have to say. Dear Glee, Let the action speak louder than words. If the narrative is strong enough, you don’t need to have your characters say exactly how you feel about an issue. Sheesh. I keep expect that “The more you know” star to shoot across the screen.

Gag that Would Have Been a Whole Lot Awesomer if Arrested Development Hadn’t Done it First (and Better): Glee’s rendition of Afternoon Delight
It was still pretty funny, but it mostly just made me pine for the good old days. Indeed, the discussion of Arrested Development’s version with the fam made me miss half the Glee edition.

Best Game Changer: The White Collar season finale… with Neal’s storage unit of fun.

Best Performance: Michael Cudlitz for the season finale of Southland
To be fair, it was hard to pick just one actor who stood out (the cast on that show is amazing), but I think Cudlitz takes the cake (or the vicodin, as it were). “I’m a cop,” he notes upon checking into rehab for substance abuse… Understated, yet heartbreaking, as always. Well done.

Most Obviously Political Decision: Carla is sent packing on Top Chef, not Antonia
Based on their dishes and the judges initial perceptions of those dishes, Antonia should have gone home. Her dish was poorly conceived and poorly executed. Carla’s dish at least had a promising idea behind it. But, Antonia has been a shining star lately, and is a favorite to win, so the judges and producers of the show gave her a pass. Don’t get me wrong, of the four finalists (who happen to be some of the least-likely All Stars to make it this far), she’s really the only one who can really challenge Richard Blais. He’s really the only finalist that I really thought would be a finalist. I’ve been pulling for his since day one, but he’s been revealed to be kind of a dick in these past few episodes, so now I don’t really care who wins. So long as it’s anyone but Mike Isabella, I’m happy.

Toughest Love: Mags Bennett on Justified
Wow… This show has a slower, more deliberate pace than most which lulls you into a comfort zone just in time for moments of absolute horror. The smooth Kentucky feel actually makes the terror more effective because you just never know when a quiet conversation over Apple Pie Moonshine might turn into a murder. Most recently, Mags’ brand of justice reared its ugly head on Coover’s hand… with a hammer. Yi-hikes.

Most Refreshing Dismissal of Protocol in the Face of a Disastrous Showing: Face Off
This show usually allows the challenge winner to recommend someone to go home to the judges, but after Megan’s spectacular failure in the disguise challenge (she basically just gave herself a spray-tan and a wig—my god! It’s like she’s disappeared!), the judges thankfully dismissed with the formality and just sent her packing immediately. Look, Megan, I realize your facial prosthetics weren't working (what with your total lack of skill and all), but it would have been more admirable to have presented sub-par prosthetics than to have given up completely. Ridiculous. And the judges knew it. No need for a recommendation, no need for discussion or deliberation, she was the clear loser and everyone knew it. Way to not waste my time, show. Much appreciated. Had you sent her home three weeks ago like she deserved, I’d have been even more impressed, but this works too.

Best Reason to Rewatch Season 2 of True Blood: The only new show that evening is Bones
Yep, I had a brand new episode just sitting there on the DVR, yet I opted to rewatch True Blood instead. The only reason I recorded it in the first place was because of the total lack of anything else, but even that wasn’t enough incentive.

Clearest Indiacation that Someone at Jeopardy is a Batman Fan: The two competitors challenging returning champion Mike were named Harley and Quinn
You have no idea how much this made my day. There's no way that was a coincidence. Those just aren't common enough names. They were even standing in the right order with Harley in the middle and Quinn on the far right. Harley Quinn! Ha! I love it!

**Quotes of the Week**

Library Aide: “I’ve got a signed first edition of Harry Potter.”
Debbie: “Overrated. Made a better movie than a book. And now with all those kid actors grown up, they’re scarier-looking than the villains.”
--Debbie, on Shameless. I assume she was mainly talking about Ron… (Boy, I’m not generally fond of kids on shows, but little 10-year-old Debbie is fantastic.)

“I thought we were supposed to be the scary ones!”
--George, Being Human (UK). No, George, I’m afraid you’re just adorable. Well, most of the time…

“It wasn't always known as White Collar. The series was pitched as Commuted, with the tagline: ‘He ended his sentence with a proposition.’”
--Oh dear lord, that’s fabulous! I don’t love the title Commuted in and of itself, but that tagline cracks me up. The English major within is very, very happy.

Neal: “I haven’t lied to you, Peter. I’m not lying to you now. I didn’t steal the art.”
Peter: “I think you did.”
Neal: “Then prove it. Prove it.”
--Oooh, next season of White Collar is going to be insane, people. Ahhhh!

“Love these ‘Thousands Of Fish Die’ stories. They raise a lot more excitement than our ‘Thousands Of Sudanese Die’ stories.”
--via twitter, courtesy of BrookeAlvarez from The Onion News Network. Gotta love The Onion.

“You’re like the hillbilly whisperer, Raylan.”
--Art noting Raylan’s way with hicks on Justified.

The Long Con

I tell ya what, wow. A whole lotta stuff happened on last night's season finale of White Collar, but I think we can all agree that the number one thing we learned is that Alex is apparently the smartest person on the show. Note to self: If you're ever held hostage with Neal Caffrey, be sure to hide the only means of survival in your bra. "Just like old times," Alex notes as Neal immediately knows exactly what to do to retrieve the pocket knife. Hehe. I always enjoy musing on Neal and Alex's history together, but that it apparently includes so many instances of Neal fishing for an item in her bra, with his teeth, that it falls into "just like old times" territory cracks me up. Exactly how often did this situation come up, I have to wonder. With Neal and Alex, I suspect it happens a lot more often than you'd think. The look on Peter's face was classic. I don't think Peter will be able to think of bobbing for "apples" in the same way ever again...

This was a big episode that essentially resolved the past two seasons of mythology. Not an easy feat, but I must say, they pulled it off nicely. In spite of a tremendous amount of exposition and story development, it didn't feel forced or rushed. Even better, they wrapped up the whole music box/Kate/fractal/Adler ongoing story arc in a way that actually made sense. It wasn't perfect, and there were several rather convenient elements, but overall, it felt like the writers had actually planned for this since the beginning. Unlike resolutions to story arcs on other shows that were completely unfounded and ridiculous (*cough* Gormogon *cough*), it was actually really satisfying to see it all come together in a mostly logical way. Submarine full of Nazi-stolen art?! Yes, please. Awesome, really. After this much effort and trouble and turmoil, the pay off needed to be huge, and it was. What could possibly possess someone to go through all this? Billions upon billions of dollars in historically relevant art, that's what. So often with shows, I'm left thinking, "That's it?" But here, I was like, "Well, hell ya it's worth it!" I loves me some art and I loves me some history, so I can happily believe that this was a prize worth killing for.

My main quibble was the notion that Adler didn't know about Alex's grandfather. Really? You kidnapped her solely to screw with Neal? I suppose it could happen (Adler knew about Neal and Alex's relationship from back in the day, though I'm guessing he didn't know about the repeated apple bobbing), but I'm not convinced. After all the investigating and planning and scheming Adler has done over the past season, it makes sense that he would have put it all together. However she ended up there, it sure was convenient that she happened to know the secret code to defuse the bomb. What a crazy random happenstance! Honestly though, I had gotten weary of the music box a while ago, so whatever needs to happen to resolve that story, I'm happy with it.

All in all it was very well done. I still find it hard to believe that any criminal in the entire state of New York wouldn't know that Neal was working for the feds (especially one that runs in the same circles as Alex), but I was enjoying the episode enough that I let it slide. Indeed, after the big reveal at the end, that Neal might not be on Peter's side after all, I can at least come up with some conspiracy theories as to why his criminal contacts would still believe him (maybe they know something about Neal's motives that the audience doesn't). The reveal that Adler had been searching for sunken Nazi art was huge and awesome, but the last minute of the show has implications that will affect the entire rest of the series.

I'm unbelievably excited for the direction the show is heading. Quite frankly, it finally seems to be going in the direction I always hoped it would. I love the bromance between Peter and Neal and I adore the dynamic that has been forged between them, but it just seems like it came too easily. Sure there have been instances when Peter doubted Neal, but it's generally been in a mild, almost tongue-in-cheek way. I always thought the buddy-buddy, trusting relationship between Peter and Neal was a bit far-fetched and I was sure that the show would examine Neal's true motives and Peter's suspicions, but heretofore, any wavering was fleeting. Finally, after two entire seasons of establishing their relationship, the show has opened the door to the prospect that Neal really isn't the fed-friendly CI he pretends to be. After the pilot, I assumed the push and pull of their tenuous agreement would be explored early on, but after seeing the first two seasons, I can see where the writers opted to wait. Indeed, I think it was the right decision, even if it didn't always make perfect sense in every episode. Showing cracks in Neal's loyalty now, after two entire years of him convincing Peter (and the audience) that he was one of the "good guys," makes the impact so much greater. Now it isn't simply a con doing what cons do, it's an utter betrayal of friendship. Where the revelation that Neal might be pulling the longest con ever early on in the show would have been par for the course for a career criminal, allowing it to play out after all this time is like a sucker-punch to Peter. I can see where a lot of fans might be dismayed at the thought of Neal turning on Peter (assuming he was ever actually on his side to begin with), but I am completely thrilled. This is where I've been hoping things would go. As the final moments of the finale unfolded, I was grinning from ear to ear and happily yelling, "Run, Neal! Run!" It's not that I delight at the thought of Neal betraying Peter in and of itself, but I think it sets up some incredible drama to come. The internal struggles they'll both be processing should be pretty damn gripping and I can't wait to see it. It's actually where I had hoped Alias would go in seasons 4 and 5. I was hoping that she and Sark would have to work together, but neither could be certain of the other's loyalties. I love it when characters have to try to constantly question motives and and loyalties, especially when both players are consistently 10 steps ahead of everyone else in the room. So great. I, as a viewer, love the guessing game as well, particularly when I'm invested in the best interests of both parties. I don't doubt that there may be heartbreak, but if the writers play their cards right, it should be amazing. If Neal's smile at the end is any indication, we're in for some fun.

Speaking of heartbreak, I'm trying desperately to enjoy seeing Neal and Sara together, but it's just not working. As near as I can tell, the love or hate of Hilarie Burton is split right down the middle of the fanbase. Some seem to think they have smokin' chemistry together, but for me? It feels like I'm watching a high school production of From Here to Eternity, starring a pair of first cousins. Seriously, the difference between watching Neal with Alex and watching Neal with Sara is stark. Neal and Alex absolutely smolder together. They have a very playful, coy, flirty vibe going to totally works for me. When they kiss, I believe it. When Neal and Sara kiss, I try to get into it, but ultimately fail. I can see where she's trying to play the straight-laced, sexually repressed element, but she just doesn't play it well enough to be believable. Usually that kind of dynamic makes the hook-up even more squee-worthy, but here? Uh-uh. I get the feeling that in real life, Matt Bomer and Gloria Votsis (Alex) get along famously, while Matt and Hilarie just work together. I've been pissed ever since I heard that Hilarie had been made a series regular next season, but based on developments at the end of the episode, I'm actually a little hopeful. I'm guessing Sara won't factor into the show in quite the same way I had suspected, which is quite welcomed. Who knows? Maybe Sara is simply part of Neal's plan. I'm not sure where their relationship will go, or if it's truly genuine, but Neal's dirty deeds open the door for it to be far more complicated than I had assumed it would be. Also, what with the mystery note-leaver working with Neal, the future is wide open. I'm really excited to see who is working with Neal (please say Alex), how far this plot goes back (I'm guessing it goes back farther than we think) and how Peter will unravel it all. I have it on good authority that the mystery note-leaver is NOT Kate. Kate is dead. Officially. Show creator Jeff Eastin has confirmed that she is definitely dead, so I can at least scratch that unfortunate possibility off my list.

This show has really come into its own and I think season 3 has the potential to be the best ever. I love seeing Neal be the con he used to be and the cat and mouse between him and Peter is going to be awesome. It really feels like the writers have let the show grow up a bit. I realize that airing on USA network automatically lightens the tone of a show (apparently Eastin's original concept was a dark drama), but they've found a nice balance between the light and dark. They still don't seem to trust their audience as much as they should though. When that burning piece of Neal's painting fell at Peter's feet and the flashed back to earlier in the episode, I couldn't help but to groan. Seriously? That happened like 38 minutes ago and you think I forgot? Even my mom, who is notorious for missing major plot points, was like, "Well, duh." Maybe if that painting had been shown 3 or 4 episodes ago, it would be warranted, but back to less than an hour ago? That's just pathetic. And insulting.

All in all, this show has become one of my favorites and the season 2 finale did the show justice. I have some niggling concerns and questions from the finale that I'm not sure where to put...

• Who is Neal's partner-in-crime? Mozzie? Alex? Someone entirely different? I'm wagering that will be a big part of season 3, but I'm not sure how they'll be able to keep it a secret for very long... Theoretically, if Neal is working with this person in the long run, at least the audience will find out who it is sooner than later. I don't know that the note and key would really be Mozzie's style... or Alex's for that matter... so who knows.
  
  
• I refuse to believe that it was a good idea for Neal's partner-in-crime to leave a note, with an exact address, and a key, in play view on his table. Sure Neal is likely the person who would find it, but especially with Peter's suspicions piqued, I'd have opted for something a little stealthier.
  
  
• Was Neal wearing his anklet when he went to the warehouse? Again, stupid. I assume he had to have had it put back on by that point, but I'm hoping there's a logical explanation for why that wouldn't be the case. Otherwise, Peter should be finding that treasure trove of stolen art in about 15 minutes. Neal knew Peter was suspicious, so unless his zeal got the better of him and he couldn't resist, he should have known better than to have gone to the unit. In related news, they can't get rid of that anklet soon enough.
  
  
• It's safe to assume that the paintings that went up in smoke were all Neal's (nice of them to slip in the fact that he had filled a storage unit with art earlier in the episode). Is it also safe to assume that he took the time and energy to make sure that the chemical composition of the paint and the materials used for the rest of the pieces were historically accurate? As per that episode of Justified with the Hitler paintings, it was clear that the paintings that were burned were not Hitler's based on the materials used. I assume that the FBI would look into it thoroughly, so I assume Neal took the time to make the paintings as authentic as possible... If he had gone to those lengths, however, why wouldn't he have created reproductions of suspected stolen pieces? I'm guessing it's because his plan doesn't go back that far (maybe he really didn't know what Adler was after all this time), but in that case, then the materials will be way off... I'm hoping they address this in season 3, because it's irking me.
  
  
• Or am I completely off the mark here? Who knows, maybe Neal really is an innocent here and the reason he got so angry with Peter in the last scene was because Peter was once again questioning his loyalties. Maybe Neal himself has no idea who took the Nazi haul and put it in that warehouse and maybe next season will be focused on Neal's search for this person. I have a hard time believing Neal was completely in the dark for all this (what with his paintings being the ones that went up in the fire), but I can see where I could be reading way too much corruption into his actions as well... After pondering and pondering, I have a feeling the truth lies somewhere in between my hopes of total nefariousness and the possibility of plausible deniability. However involved Neal already is, I think next season will be an examination of what Neal will do next. Will he keep the treasure and make a run for it? Or will he stay true to Peter? Wherever the writers take this, I'm excited for the ride.
  

Well, there ya have it. There were more niggling questions that I had, but now I can't remember them. I'm hopeful that next season will feature Neal retuning to form as the badass con man we all know and love and that the psychological mind games with Peter will be as stellar as expected. Also, here's hoping that Alex is featured prominently and Sara isn't. (Yes, I know that contract information would suggest otherwise, but a girl can dream, right?)

Kudos, White Collar. Very nicely done.

Week-In-Review 3.1

Sorry this sucker is a little late in coming. I was dying on Friday and just didn't make it. I still feel pretty crappy today, but there doesn't seem to be any way around that...

Most Sobering Look at the Other Half: Fiona isn’t familiar with Word on Shameless
I couldn’t decide it if was incredibly sad or if I was incredibly jealous… Fiona is 21, so it was peculiar enough that she needed to take a class on how to use PowerPoint (“I don’t know what PowerPoint is, but I’m sure you’ll be great at it.”), but it was genuinely heartbreaking to see her so completely out of her depth with even the basics. As the instructor is asking those lame introductory questions, requesting a raise of hands regarding, “Who’s familiar with Microsoft? Microsoft Word? And Excel?” all the hands automatically go up… except for Fiona’s. On the one hand, the thought of never having used these programs felt like some fantabulous and unfathomable fantasy world that I could never be a part of, but on the other, it was pretty scary to think of how utterly crippling it would be to not know how to use a computer. To be so out of your depth is always discouraging, but to know that your only other option is working at a Hooter’s-esque sports bar? That’s unbelievably sad. It’s so completely foreign to me that anyone in this day and age would be unfamiliar with basic computing skills, but for these brutally poor kids who grew up on the wrong side of the tracks? I’m afraid it’s probably all too common a phenomenon.

Best Eyebrow Raiser: Steve isn’t really Steve on Shameless
I’ve always like Steve quite a lot, but now I kinda love him. From the beginning, it was pretty clear that there was more to Steve than meets the eye. As it awesomely turns out, that something more is a different identity entirely. One of the uppercrusty secret life players was apparently a brother, so I can’t imagine this is a long con, and have to assume that he really is a rich kid named Jimmy deep down. The Candace angle is a bit murkier, however… I’m not sure where she factors in or if she really is part of a long con… or who she really is, for that matter. For the first time since the show started, I kinda can’t wait to see what happens next week.

Clearest Indication That We’re Losing the War on Terror: Castle
Apparently a gigantic dirty bomb threatening the citizens of the largest city in the country only worries the national government to the point of sending one guy to save the day. Geez, it’s a good thing the NYPD has a goofy mystery writer on staff or we’d all be dead.

Most Interesting Racial Tidbit: Adrian Pasdar is half-Iranian
Given that his character on Castle was an FBI bigwig who happily engaged in racial profiling in his search for potential Middle Eastern terrorists, I thought the fact that he has Iranian heritage was kind of interesting. I’m not sure how or why I already knew that, but it made the casting choice all the more intriguing—especially given that it turned out that the bombers in the episode were homegrown ex-military men without a shred of Middle Eastern descent.

Least Believable Love Interest: Nora on HIMYM
Look, show, I realize you’re trying to give Barney some layers here, and I appreciate that, but for someone like Barney to really fall for a woman, she really need to have more going for her than Nora does. Barney has been with untold numbers of beautiful women, so to get audiences to believe that he’s really fallen in love, maybe you should have given his love interest more than just beauty. She’s bland as hell and I ain’t buyin’ it. Barney falling for Robin, while ultimately unfortunate, at least made sense. This just seems lazy.

Most Ridiculous Prudery: Face Off
For those of you unaware, this is a movie make-up competition show on Syfy that’s surprisingly entertaining… and fairly prudish, as it were. In a recent challenge, they had to swap the genders of engaged couples. Well, in making one of the fellas into a woman, one of the team created a silicone chest piece in order to give the man breasts. Apparently the detached, unpainted, vaguely breast-like structures pulled out of the mold were just too risqué for basic cable, because they literally blurred the area where nipples would eventually go. Seriously!? Seriously. I’m starting to think that someone is doing that as a joke. Surely it’s a joke, right???

Character Most in Need of a Sandwich: Sarah on White Collar
Holy hell, I’ve never been a fan of Hilarie Burton in general (acting, the total lack of chemistry with Neal, etc), but I’m realizing just how difficult she is to look at in certain outfits. I’m all for being thin, but her shoulders are disgusting. You can see every joint and bone and sinew. Sure, everyone enjoys having a better understanding of a ball-and-socket joint, but this is going too far. Ew.

Least Believable Love Scene: Speaking of Sarah on White Collar
Ugh. When I saw that Alex was going to be in this last episode (I saw the actress’ name in the opening credits), I was hopeful that the writers wouldn’t actually take the Neal/Sarah whateverness in the direction I had feared. It was only a little hope (I’m realistic here), but it was something. Now, what with Neal’s and Sarah’s awkward and unconvincing romp in the hall of records (sexy!), I’m trying to force myself to accept the fact that Sarah really is going to be a series regular next year and that the writers are insistent on pairing her up with Neal. UGH. Aside from my inherent biases against Hilarie Burton as an actress, there is absolutely no heat between Sarah and Neal no matter what your perspective is. Seriously, there are a few Hilarie fans out there (I assume), but I’m guessing even they weren’t convinced. So unfortunate. So forced. So awkward. On the other side of the coin, even Neal’s random conversations with Alex are sexy as hell. They don’t even have to touch for there to be heat. Neal and Sarah can tear each other’s clothes off and can’t even come close. I don’t want to have to stop watching the show, but I hate this storyline. A lot.

Most Shameful Product Placement: White Collar
The only thing I hate more than a bad storyline is a bad product placement. Sometimes a shameless product placement is funny or necessary (these shows have to pay the bills somehow, right?), but with White Collar, is just seems sad and desperate and painfully obvious. Dear Ford (I think), I am in no way more inclined to purchase your product now that Peter has shown me all the ridiculous features that I don’t need. Burn Notice manages to integrate cars and whatnot with ease, finding completely logical reasons for the characters to use the features of said products without shoving it in your face. White Collar? Not so much. Fail.

Awesomest Quintuple-Cross: The Good Wife
One the of best parts of this show is that it keeps viewers on their toes. I was honestly unsure if that one guy was actually double-crossing them or not. As the episode wore one, I started figuring out that he was actually double-crossing Bond, but with this show, you can never be sure, even right up till the last minute. Who knows, he could have been telling Will and Diane that he would screw Bond over, but until the vote was had, he could have gone either way. Phew! Amazing.

Best Kiss: Cary and Kalinda on The Good Wife
I did not see that coming! Honestly, as the scene progressed, I found myself hoping Cary would kiss her (as is so often the hope when these two are onscreen together), but it usually never happens! It totally makes sense that in Kalinda’s Rules of the Universe, giving someone a change-of-address notification is tantamount to a declaration of love, so I guess Cary felt like he had the green light. Wowzers, it was just a simple little kiss, almost a peck, but it was utterly squee-worthy. Seriously, there was more sizzle in Cary and Kalinda’s lip lock than in Sarah and Neal’s near-nudity.

Best Summation of the Profession of “English Teacher” in a Nutshell: Parenthood
I’ve been trying to give Parenthood a second chance, but after last week’s episode (in which the characters basically screamed at each other for an hour solid), I wasn’t too confident. But, I had heard that Jason Ritter would be back, so I tuned in. It was actually a pretty enjoyable episode and involved only minimal fast-forwarding. The best part though was Lorelai’s summation of Ritter’s essential function as an English teacher. When giving a critique of someone’s writing, it pretty much boils down to 1) give 2 or 3 vaguely positive comments to make the person feel good about him/herself, 2) then move on to several super-specific criticisms that make the writer question his/her will to live. Yup, that about sums it up.

Smallest World: Mike and Antonia on Top Chef
Yeah, so, after an entire season of them annoying each other like a couple of quarreling siblings, it turns out, the two of them are actually related. In one of the show’s more creative and interesting challenges of late, the cheftestants got a peak at their genealogy only to find that if you go back a few generations, Mike and Antonia have a lot more in common than just cooking. Ha!

Cruelest Trick: Top Chef
Okay, it’s one thing to tease some random contestant with, “Please pack your knives… because you’re advancing to the finals!” but to do that to Richard “I might just have a heart attack right here in the stew room” Blaise? That’s just mean. Poor guy looks like he was going to collapse… then punch Padma right in the face.

Most Perplexing Crush: I seem to have developed an odd fascination with Tim Gutterson on Justified…
I don’t know what it is or where it came from, but here we are. I find myself inexplicably captivated.

Most Interesting Collision of Two Shows: Ian Somerhalder auditioned for True Blood
I think somewhere in the back of my brain I knew this already, but I seem to have forgotten because it came as a surprise. In spite of Ian’s current vampire gig as Damon on The Vampire Diaries, he actually auditioned to play Jason Stackhouse on True Blood. As awesome as I think he would have been in that role, I think vampirism suits him better.

**Quotes of the Week**

“George, you’re chitchatting—with a gimp.”
--Nina, Being Human (UK). I was only intermittently fond of Nina in season 1, but in season 2 she’s become completely awesome (and funny as hell to boot).

“The Oscars are this Sunday and I think it’s Charlie Sheen’s year. He might make it into the In Memoriam montage.”
--The Soup. Alas, he didn’t make it. No worries, Charlie, you're a shoe-in for next year!

“In book news, Jesse James has signed a book deal with Simon & Schuster to write his memoirs, American Outlaw. Oh, I see, he’s calling it Jesse James: American Outlaw so people will associate it with the murderous bank robber… and not that guy everyone hates.”
--The Soup, regarding Sandra Bullock’s winner of an ex-husband.

"contrary to the rumors, i am not replacing charlie sheen on two and half men. however, martin sheen has asked me to be his son"
—John Stamos via twitter

“The feeling of being hurried is not usually the result of living a full life and having no time. It is on the contrary born of a vague fear that we are wasting our life. When we do not do the one thing we ought to do, we have no time for anything else -- we are the busiest people in the world.”
--Eric Hoffer, philosopher and author (1902-1983). This came with my word-a-day email. In this respect, my calendar actually is pretty damn full.

“Bat shit must be offended by all the Charlie Sheen comparisons.”
--via twitter, courtesy of Schindizzle

“Salt, meet wound. RT @thetvaddict: If #VeronicaMars was still on, its 2.5 million viewers would make it one of The CW's top rated shows!”
-- TVWithoutPity via twitter. Good god that’s depressing (for VM fans, sure, but I think it’s an even tougher pill to swallow for the network, er, “network”).

“You belong in the trophy case of sons of bitches.”
--Glenn Childs, expressing what fans of The Good Wife have thought about Peter Florrick since day one.

Alicia: “I don’t think I even have your old address.”
Kalinda: “Well, now you have my new one.”
Alicia: [mock sentimentality] “I feel like we’ve grown closer together.”
Kalinda: “Okay, give it back.”
Alicia: “Oh, no no no no. This is going in my copy of Eat Pray Love.”
--The Good Wife

Tim: “At least you got to shoot your father. Mine had the nerve to die before I got back from basic with skills and a loaded weapon.”
Raylan: “You didn’t miss much. I thought it was going to be way more fun than it was.”
--Justified. Apparently crappy fathers are required for employment with the US Marshals. That, or shitty fathers are even more common than I thought.

“If you don’t use them then all our money just goes to charity!”
--Noooooooo! Phil on Modern Family regarding some gift certificates they purchased for some sort of charity. Whatever that charity may be, it ain’t gettin’ my money for nothin’!

Oscars 2011

I don't see a whole lot of movies, so I'm not totally sure why I watch the Academy Awards every year, but I do. That said, when I say "watch," I really mean "fast-forward though 80% of it." I don't care what the name of your third cousin is or who ponied up the cash for your movie. I think it was Roger Ebert who said that winners should be able to speak as long as they want, so long as they don't thank anyone. Agreed. The worst offenders actually pulled out slips of paper. Look, I get it, you don't want to forget anyone and have them resent you for leaving them out of your list of people. Best way to avoid leaving someone off the list? Don't have a list. As such, I only listened to a handful of speeches. As soon as it became clear that they were delving into a call sheet, I zipped on by. I even get that muppet song in my head when I'm doing it... Movin' right along in search of good times and good news...

Like I said, I don't see many movies, so I'm genuinely not all that invested in who wins. Of the best picture nominees, I've seen a total of one of them. It's an easy number to keep track of. I guess, if anything, the Oscars give me a reason to add to my Netflix queue (of course, that makes them numbers 137 and up on the list, so maybe I'll see them sometime this decade). Here are some other random thoughts on the proceedings, week-in-review style:

Most Appreciated Self-Referential Moment: Anne Hathaway noting to James Franco, “You look very appealing to the younger demographic as well.”
In a year where the announcement of the hosting duties left everyone scratching their heads and scrunching their brows, it was nice to see that they weren’t even going to pretend that this was a good choice. It served one (largely unsuccessful) purpose, and that was to draw in more, and younger, viewers. Based on the ratings, things seemed to be about on par with last year when we didn’t have two random actors thrown together onstage.

Best Oscar Host (of the two that were provided): Anne Hathaway
When I first heard that she and James Franco would be hosting, I was a little befuddled. It basically sounded like the organizers had simply drawn two names at random from the “Under 35” bin and called it a day. To my surprise, Anne was much more of a delight than anticipated. She genuinely seemed to be having fun and gave the proceedings an air of casual ease. She wouldn’t exactly be my choice in the future or anything, but she was charming and funny and even managed to cover for James Franco, whom I’m willing to wager was at least tipsy.

Worst Oscar Host (not just of the two that were provided): James Franco
He was mumbly, awkward, and unfunny from start to finish. It kind of felt like Anne was on a really bad date that should couldn’t escape from through the bathroom window, so she tried to make the most of it. His comedic timing was way off, and in spite of Anne’s best of efforts to salvage jokes, everything he was in charge of fell pretty flat. In that vein, Dear Academy, men in unconvincing drag stopped being funny about 50 years ago. Ugh. It reminded me of high school, where apparently the height of humor is the football players dressing up as the cheerleaders. Wasn’t funny then, isn’t funny now. And anything that manages to remind me of high school automatically puts you on my bad list.

Best Performance By A Nonagenarian: Kirk Douglas
Sure his words were barely intelligible, he needed a cane holder, he helped lengthen an already interminable awards show, and he clearly had at least one foot in the grave, but he was still more entertaining and charming than James Franco. Melissa Leo’s reaction helped sell the bit. “You’re looking pretty good, too. What are you doing later?” Having a sponge bath and a tall glass of prune juice, I’m guessing… (And yes, I had to look up what comes after "octogenarian.")

Best Presenter: Sandra Bullock
She’s had a colossally bad year (I half expected the “In Memoriam” to include “Sandra Bullock’s Personal Life”), so to see her back on stage, looking stunning in that red dress, and presenting the Oscar with as much charm and warmth as she did was just lovely to see. Welcome back, dear. We’ve missed you.

Best Dressed (Overall): Gwyneth Paltrow
As much as it pains me to throw praise in her direction, she looked amazing in that slinky metallic grown (that she wore on the red carpet, not the one she performed in). It looked effortless, interesting, unique, and comfortable (a bunch of qualities that I don’t generally associated with Gwyneth, so the dress had to work overtime).

Best Dressed (Bun-in-the-Oven Division): Natalie Portman
It was a nice dress and all, but that it somehow managed to make her look only 6 months pregnant instead of 17 (based on how she looked last month, I feared the worst), this dress gets bumped into the upper echelon of fashion (and actual magic, near as I can tell). Most impressive.

Worst Dressed (Among So Many Other Worsts): Scarlett Johannson
Some may cry foul, saying that Cate Blanchett’s dress was worse, but I look at the total package. Cate is a tremendous actress who gave a funny and hilariously honest presentation (quipping at The Wolfman’s make-up nomination, “That’s gross,” which in that field is apparently code for “we have a winner”) who wore a quirky and interesting (if a bit ugly) dress, whereas Scarlett is a horrendous actress, a total bore, and a terrible presenter who wore a dress that’s ugly and dull. She is just awful. In everything.

Weirdest Trend: Ill-fitting Suits
Speaking of worst dressed, was there a sale of bad suits that I was not made aware of? Apparently they’re selling like hotcakes, because even the hottest men in Hollywood somehow managed to look completely awful. Jude Law’s tux looked about two sizes too small and I honestly couldn’t tell if the white tuxedos were a joke…

Person I’m Gladdest Won: Aaron Sorkin
In all honesty, I haven’t seen The Social Network yet, but I’m a Sorkin fan through-and-through. He’s all about dialogue, and that speaks to me on more than just a literal level. Even just from the clips I’ve seen of the film, it’s delightfully apparent that his razor-sharp wit and cerebral approach are present. He doesn’t dumb down his writing or appeal to the lowest common denominator. Indeed, if he has one failing, it’s knowing just how brilliant he is. His acceptance speech included more than a few thank-yous, but it also included a lot of humor and perspective. That I can handle.

Cutest Acceptance Speech: Luke Matheny for his live action short film God of Love
He was disarming and adorable and managed to be one of the few speeches I actually listened to. I love that his mom provided craft service for the film and that she got the much-deserved shout-out. And, although I’m far from a romantic, closing his speech with a love letter to his composer and the love of his life was pretty damn sweet and even elicited an uncontrollable “awww” from the audience. Especially given the cupid-y theme of his movie. How do you break up with a guy after that?

Biggest Surprise: Umm… That there weren’t any?
Seriously, the look on the favorite's face when the random underdog (*cough* Marissa Tomei *cough*) beats them is one of the biggest draws of the show. This year? No dice.

Cheesiest Time Suck: I’m sorry, why are there a bunch of kids in unfortunately colored T-shirts singing?
Heartwarming? No. Time waste-y? Yes. Seriously, I’d rather listen to people read names off scraps of paper, er… continue to listen to people read names off scraps of paper…

All in all, I'd say the best part of the evening was another Modern Family Oscar promo:



And in case you missed last year's:

Week-In-Review 2.4

I keep thinking these posts will get shorter, but alas, I just can't help myself. In other news, where did February go? With sweeps drawing to a close, we're in for a drought in March, so maybe these will finally shrink. Seriously, The Vampire Diaries and Nikita won't be back till April 7th. Not cool, CW. Not cool.

Most Convenient Accessory: Beckett’s Geiger Counter on Castle
I didn’t realize those were standard issue… Seriously, I spent the entire rest of the episode hoping someone would mention why the hell of a New York homicide detective would be wearing a radiation meter, but everyone just acted like that was a totally normal item for her to be wearing. Really? A Geiger Counter? Maybe there’s an app for that…

Shortest Cliffhanger: Castle
Oh my god! Castle and Beckett are trapped in a freezer with a dead guy who froze to death and THEY MIGHT BE NEXT! Dun, dun, DUN! Wait… Yeah, no, false alarm. The preview of next week (which appeared mere moments after the thrilling musical queue signaling their apparent demise) lets us know they’ll be right as rain in no time at all. I, uh… can’t wait till next week? The edge of my seat went from occupied to vacant in under a minute. Thanks a lot, promotional department. Well played?

Bittersweetest Reference: Serenity on Castle
Don’t get me wrong, show, the references to Nathan Fillion’s past as our favorite space cowboy make me grin and clap and squeal, but all the merriment is quickly followed by the sobering realization that it’s all over. It makes it hard to move on.

Character that May as Well Leave the Show Now: Zoey on HIMYM
Well, she isn’t the mother, so in terms of Ted’s current relationship—all together now—who the hell cares!? Don’t get me wrong, I’m more than a little happy to hear that Zoey won’t be sticking around for the long-run, but it makes me seriously apathetic towards the short run. After this long, it’s time to find the mother already. Although I’m a fair bit intrigued to see how things end for Ted and Zoey… apparently it’s pretty bad. Here’s hoping it’s pretty quick as well.

Question: What is the Dirtiest Kids’ Movie Title Ever?: Jeopardy Answer: "What is Pussy Furry?"
Ha! I’m officially 13 years old, thanks. The best part? I don’t think nerdy, sheltered Raya truly realized just how funny/dirty/inappropriate her response was. I greatly appreciated that one of her competitors couldn’t stifle a laugh though. I sure couldn’t.

Randomest PSA: Glee
Where the hell did that come from? In yet another in the recent long line of sub-par episodes (this one courtesy of repeat offender Ian Brennan), Glee’s PSA against drinking seemingly came out of left field. I can understand afterschool-special-type moments about bullying because it relates directly to the story, and I can forgive the random tribute to certain musical artists, what with this being a musical and all, but a PSA against alcohol coupled with (essentially) a tribute to Ke$ha? Yeah, NO. Does Brad Falchuk even write for the show anymore? We’ve had nothing but Murphy and Brennan for entirely too long.

Most Unexpectedly Steamy Lip-Lock: Blaine and Rachel on Glee
Amid the unwelcomed lesson about the dangers of drinking, blah, blah, blah, the episode did have quite a lot of fun with Rachel’s party. For as disappointing as the rest of the episode was, I couldn’t stop myself from smiling ear-to-ear for the Rachel Berry House Party Train Wreck Extravaganza. And, in an improbable turn of events (er, spin of events, I should say), Blaine and Rachel had a surprising amount of sexual chemistry together with a rather convincing kiss. Way to throw a bone to us straight gals out there (especially those of us who have a penchant for crushing on possibly gay guys), even if for only a little while. I loved how drunk Rachel seems to think that Blaine’s full name is Blaine Warbler. Heh.

Best Song: Don’t You Want Me, Baby from Glee
Why yes, Blaine, I do! I think it had more to do with drunken chemistry than the song itself, but I totally loved this. You could tell they were both having an absolute blast doing this number (the characters and actors). I get the feeling Lea Michele and Darren Criss have been wanting to do a duet since Blaine joined the show. As far as performances on the show are concerned, Rachel and Blaine are the two who ham it up the most, so it was quite a lot of fun to see those two tornados of enthusiasm in the same number.

Best Costume Design: Speaking of Rachel and Blaine…
Ha! I don’t know who picked out that green 1970s bridesmaid’s dress for Rachel to wear, but I think we can all agree that it is exactly the dress she would have chosen for her would-be swanky adult soiree. It was also nice to see Blaine in some casual clothes for once. “Preppy hipster” suits him well.

Most Welcomed Return: Being Human (UK edition)
It’s been too long! Last season got a little soapy and a bit uneven in the middle, but ended in spectacular fashion. The new season started up on Saturday and reminded me of why I fell so hard for this show in the first place. It also put the US version into shocking clarity. The Syfy interpretation is pretty good, but the UK version is bloody brilliant in every conceivable regard. Having the UK edition back is kind of making me like the US version less and less. It just can’t hold a candle to its predecessor. I’ve heard that the US version really starts to blaze its own path around episode 6, so that should help. As is, it’s starting to feel like I’m watching the same show as before, only not as good, which is a bit of a downer. Anyway, I’m totally stoked that the Brits are back. They have an emotional range and depth of storytelling that is unmatched by the US edition and it’s nice to have that kind of gravity back. I’m thoroughly glad that Mitchell saved Annie from purgatory sooner than later. My primary concern after last season was that we’d spend the better part of this season trying to get her back. Thankfully, our darling Mitchell is more than willing to face an eternity of hell to save her. Aw.

Longest Foreshadow: Annie and Mitchell on Being Human (UK)
It was clear back at the beginning of season 1 that their potential romantic chemistry was established and an accidental kiss was had, but we’ve had very little payoff since then. It’s been satisfying to see their relationship deepen over time, but I’m glad to see that the show is finally exploring that side of their hopes at “being human.” They’ve both been through a lot and it’ll be nice to see them interact in a new way. Of course, it’ll probably end horribly, but that’s all part of the ride. “But I’m dead,” Annie laments. “So is he…”

Worst Mother: Anyone Ever Featured on Toddlers & Tiaras
It would be impossible to narrow down the “worst mother” title to just one offender, but I think I was most unnerved when the following thought sprang to mind, “I’m sorry, did you really just give your 15 month old baby a spray tan?” Wow. Just, wow.

Best Guest Star: Gary Cole on The Good Wife
The Good Wife always has stellar guest stars, but Gary Cole as ballistics expert Kurt McVeigh was my favorite this week. His and Diane’s relationship is practically unfathomable from a political perspective, but their chemistry is undeniable (his love of Sarah Palin notwithstanding). I still can't look at him without hearing, "Yeah, hi," in my head though...

Biggest Pet Peeve: Detectives Who Don’t Put Their Gloves On
This happens all the time and I notice it all the time and it never gets less annoying. Instead of actually putting their gloves on, they just use them as a hanky to pick up evidence or open drawers and windows of a crime scene. A) You’re look ridiculous, B) Exactly how long does it take to put gloves on? and C) Most of the time, you’re still contaminating the evidence, punkin. I assume there’s a production reason for it, but seriously, just start the scene with the gloves on. They’re investigating a murder here, people. They’d have gloves on before the entered the damn house.

Best Backstory That Really Should Have Been Introduced 3 Seasons Ago: Emily Prentiss on Criminal Minds
Good lord, you couldn’t have fleshed-out her character with an espionage-y past with Interpol back when she first started on the show?! I’ve always liked her well enough, but she’s generally been a bit bland. Now that you’ve decided to write her off the show you give her a backstory that makes me invest? That’s just mean.

Character I’m Gladdest Didn’t Get Killed Off Last Season: Dewey Crowe on Justified
This season of Justified is proving to be even better than the first, and that’s thanks in no small measure to the deep-fried absurdity that is Dewey Crowe. He makes for hilarious comic relief, but also contributes to the overall narrative in a meaningful and believable way. Not an easy feat.

Most Improbably Successful Impersonation: Dewey Crowe as Raylan Givens on Justified
Ha! Hats off to Dewey (well, I guess it would be hats on, really) for being ballsy enough to dress up as Raylan Givens in order to swindle some baddies out of their stolen prescription pills. I loved when the real Raylan went over to the witness and was like, “Am I the man you saw?” To which she hilariously replied, “Lord, no.” I don’t know if you’ve met Dewey and Raylan, but the two could never be confused. I’m pretty sure I’d remember if Timothy Olyphant showed up at my house, thanks.

Most Ridiculous Runway: America’s Next Top Model
Now, this show is in cycle 817 at last count, so they’ve had a lot of crazy-ass runways in their day, but putting the girls in plastic bubbles and having them walk down a foot-wide platform in a pool? Wow. In all honesty, I don’t think anything can compete with the runway where they had to dodge the giant pendulums, but watching the girls fall in their bubbles and then slip and slosh on the surface of the water was pretty damn entertaining.

Catchiest Song: You Gotta Have Jeff from Community
You thought the winner of this category would be from Glee, didn’t you? Yeah, well, that was before I saw Jeff’s 1997 audition tape for The Real World Seattle. Man alive, I’ve seen blackmail videos before, but this one tops them all.

Worst Crime Against Chef Law: Mike on Top Chef
Good god, could he get kicked off the show already? It's bad enough to flat out steal a dish from a fellow competitor, but then to pretend that it was Richard's own stupid fault for not using the dish himself? That's the hallmark of a total bastard. Not that that's a surprise, what with Mike being a total dick from day one, but to blatantly admit that he couldn't come up with his own idea is just pathetic. I swear to god, if he wins this season, I'll have to be done with the show. Blaise or Carla for the win!

Biggest Headscratcher: The Vampire Diaries--I’m sorry, exactly how are Stefan and Damon getting Elena and Katherine mixed up?
I realize that they look exactly the same and all, but Elena’s alive and Katherine’s a vampire. Surely Stefan and Damon, also vampires, should be able to almost instantly tell the difference (what with their supernatural senses of smell and hearing). Vampires are dead and don’t have a heartbeat (at least I don’t think they do on this show), and I’m not sure just how doppelganger-y Elena and Katherine are supposed to be, but they’re identical right down to scent? Don’t get me wrong, it makes for good TV, but every time she pulls a fast one on them, I’m a little annoyed. Humans not seeing the difference? Fine. Other vampires? Not so fine. Convenient, more like.

Best Reason (or 50) to Stop Going to School: You live in Mystic Falls
It always cracks me up when the characters on The Vampire Diaries pretend that they actually care about school. They’re currently dealing with the world’s most convoluted story-arc and we’re to believe they have an algebra test this afternoon? Ha! I’m sorry, you have an immortal dead-guy in the basement, you just barely got rid of the werewolves, there are witches trying to kill you, even older, even more immortal dead guys trying to kill you, a doppelganger who just escaped and is probably trying to kill you, there’s a moonstone that no one can remember why it matters (seriously, I lost track of that shiny bar of soap 5 episodes ago), and you’re worried about being late for school? Oh, honey. You really need to sort out your priorities. I guess the one saving grace is that no actual learning is done at school. It’s really just a meeting place where random supernatural elements make plans.

Best Cliffhanger: Nikita
The Vampire Diaries' cliffhanger was good, Nikita’s was better. Holy hell, what a game-changer! I can’t wait! "Ask me how I got here." Ahhhh!

**Quotes of the Week**

“You know what they say, Charlie [Sheen], people in glass houses… have a lot of cool things to snort coke off of.”
--Joel McHale on The Soup, regarding Charlie Sheen’s advice to Lindsay Lohan on how to clean up her life. Hello, Pot? This is Kettle. You’re black.

Realtor: “Do what you want, as long as the rent’s covered. We’ve been trying to shift this place for months. I reckon it’s haunted.” [pause]
[simultaneously]
Nina: “No, it’s fine.”
George: “Nope, there’s nothing here.”
--Being Human (UK). Oh, how I’ve missed this show. It’s got a humor that’s so much subtler and more authentic than the US version.

Steve: “You feel like the world will stop spinning on its axis if you take a night off. You know how when a plane starts going down they tell you to put your mask on before helping anyone else? Put your mask on, Fiona!”
Fiona: [pause] “Yeah, well I’ve never been on a plane!”
--Steve, telling Fiona what the audience has known all along on Shameless. She’s over-extended and burning out. I mainly included this quote because it made me wonder: Would people who’ve never flown know about the whole, put your own mask on before helping other people thing? As a person who’s flown a fair bit, the reference was obvious, so it seemed unfathomable that anyone would be unfamiliar with it. Not that I think Fiona was oblivious, but I could see where someone might be. Weird.

“Alcohol, William. The wet devil. Our children are so brazen they’re showing up to school wasted. And not wasted on learning, Will. Wasted on booze.”
--Principal Figgins on Glee. Let me tell ya, I’ve been wasted on learning more than a few times, and the theme for this week’s cautionary tale could have used some revision.

“Who cares about you, buddy? I might get a new boyfriend out of this who can keep up with me vocally and in the future, give me vaguely Eurasian-looking children.”
--Rachel, regarding her and Blaine’s genetic capabilities on Glee. They really are pretty ethnically ambiguous, now that they mention it. IMDb/Wikipedia to the rescue! Lea’s mother is an Italian American Roman Catholic, while her father is a Spanish Sephardic Jew. Darren’s mother is from the Philippines and his father has Irish ancestry. Hmh.

Dianna: “A contemporary of Neal’s? This I gotta see.”
Peter: “No, he’s not what you’d expect. He’s a little more Ratso Rizzo than Cary Grant.”
Neal: “I’m Cary Grant?”
Peter: “Only by comparison to Ratso Rizzo.”
--White Collar. And yes, Neal, you’re Cary Grant, with or without a Ratso Rizzo comparison.

“I have a boyfriend. Or, I had a boyfriend… He joined a circus.”
--America Ferrera as Natalie Morales on The Good Wife. Her deflated delivery of the line was hilarious.

“Happy Valen-birth-iversary!”
--Phil on Modern Family, using the new catch-all for screw-ups.

“You’re a thrill a minute, Raylan. We need to sell tickets.”
--And I need to by them. (Art, regarding Raylan’s rekindled romance with Winona on Justified.)

“Did Kurt used to sing on #Glee, or did we imagine it? Bigger question: With Blaine around, do we care?”
--TWoP via Twitter, asking a very good question. I miss Kurt, but with Blaine around, I don’t notice his absence so often.

Mike: “In gumbo, there’s potatoes, right? Traditionally?”
Tiffani: “No.”
Mike: “No?”
Tiffani: “Never.”
--Top Chef, once again showcasing Mike’s total lack of knowledge about cooking. Tool.

Katherine: “You were mean. And very rough. And monstrous.”
Damon: “You deserved it.”
Katherine: “I like this Damon.”
Damon: “Katherine, there are six other bedrooms in this house. Go find one.”
--I love that Katherine has finally returned to The Vampire Diaries, but I love more that Damon can finally resist her (even if it’s pretty clear that he’s unbelievably tempted). Maybe his new resolve has to do with this:

“I wanted out of the tomb. Didn’t matter who paid the price. Of course I knew that you’d die.”
--Seriously, Katherine, that’s cold. And completely illogical. If you’re going to get one of the Salvatores killed, why not make it Stefan? I think most of us can agree that he’s the better choice.

“Garrett. That guy’s just a mess. It’s like God spilled a person.”
--Troy on Community, regarding one the front-runners for student government.

“Boy, no matter what you do, all roads seem to lead back to Nikki, don’t they.”
--Birkoff on Nikita, finally realizing the basis for the show that he’s in.