Surprisingly Shallow for a Deep End

I'm not going to spend too much time talking about ABC's latest outing because just sitting through the pilot episode of The Deep End felt like an eternity already. You know you're in trouble when you pull up the DVR timeline to see how long you've been suffering and find the arrow point to minute 18.

The Deep End is clearly trying to be Grey's Anatomy with lawyers, but it can't even rise to that painfully low bar (I'm talking recent seasons of Grey's as the low bar. The Deep End is about a zillion miles from the guilty pleasure of the early seasons, but it can't even match up to the crapitude of present days). The show follows a bunch of newbie lawyers as they navigate the stressful, scary world of working for a big time law firm. I tried to imagine if I'd have been intrigued by this show if I'd never ever seen a legal drama before, but no, not even then should anyone care about this generic waste of time. I loves me a legal drama and I couldn't stand this mess. It felt as though the writers were trying to put all the awesome, salacious, and required elements of every genre ever into one neat little package, but ended up with a giant steaming pile of awful.

The pilot was insanely unfocused and had entirely too many storylines and characters to keep track of. In general, I have no problem juggling tons of characters and tons of storylines all at once, but here? It did not work. At all. I got the impression they were trying to relay the harried pace and frenetic atmosphere of doing grunt work in a law firm, but instead it was just annoying and meaningless. The closest the pilot came to an actual legal case was a stupid custody battle that ended up being unraveled by one of the up-and-coming young lawyers when, like Human Target, he's having a casual conversation with someone and then does the dreaded, "Wait, what did you just say?!" Ugh. Again. Seriously, you'd think it were a requirement by Standards and Practices. As bad as that storyline was, it at least had some structure and some semblance of legal infrastructure. All the other stories were so fragmented that it was hard to understand given the level of caring I was doing. With ER, the writers managed to showcase what the atmosphere is really like in a busy emergency room and tell dozens of stories all at once and the audience loved it. It was like "Ooh! What's going on over here?!" with ER and "Wait, what's going on over here?" with The Deep End. The biggest difference? I genuinely cared about the characters on ER. On The Deep End? I spent the entire episode feeling nostalgic for all the awesome shows the cast worked on previously which only made their present gig all the more painful to watch. Seriously, never before have I seen a pilot with more "Hey, it's so-and-so!" going on. Even the clients-of-the-week were names. Here's the shortlist (of regulars and one timers): Jack from Jack and Bobby, Mac from Veronica Mars, Billy Zane from, uh, Titanic is about it, I guess, Harold Abbot from Everwood, Carlton Lassiter from Psych, Ellis Grey from Grey's Anatomy (hey, maybe if we have some GA alums on the show, the audience will be fooled into thinking we pulled this off!), Professor Landry from Veronica Mars, and Phee from Dawson's Creek. There were more, I'm sure, but those are the ones I'm pulling off the top of my head. Some of those names make me want to give this show another shot, but I just don't think I could stomach it. Never have I felt so bad for so many actors all at once.

Anyway, the pilot goes over most of the standard legal show clichés (while at the same time completely ignoring actual legalese) and then throws in everything else. For example, after work? These kiddies all end up at a bar/swimming pool... be-cause that's just what lawyers do... if they live in Melrose Place. I guess the pool is a metaphor for these kiddies having been thrown in the legal deep end (which, characters actually mentioned the fact that they were in the deep end at least three times in the pilot--oy), but, well, wait... why is there a pool again? Why, for the scantily clad ratings gatherers, of course! Thanks for the clarification, ABC. It still doesn't make sense. In standard Grey's Anatomy style, the show focuses more on the sex lives of the characters than on anything else. The difference is that Grey's managed to build some relationships that the audience actually cared about and managed to throw in some actual medical. The Deep End frantically forces a bunch of faux relationships on viewers, none of which does anyone care about. So, at the end of the episode when everyone hooks up with everyone else, I couldn't have cared less. Quite frankly, I didn't care about these people as individuals so I cared even less about them as pairs. When there's no build up and no suspense, there's no pay off.

I don't care to recount any of the stupid plotlines or even stupider resolutions because I just didn't care. When you don't care about the people you're watching, you don't care if dingy blonde lawyer is having a crisis of conscience or lothario lawyer is getting in hot water. Aside from what should have been a stellar cast, this show really has nothing going for it... including viewers. Heh. I just checked the ratings and it garnered a paltry 1.8 in the key demo. To give you a sense of how truly awful that is, I believe that's right around Heroes' current numbers. This show won't be garnering any positive word of mouth and the critical buzz has been nothing but bad, so odds are its ratings for next week will been pretty devastatingly dismal for ABC. The good news? This means that FlashForward (whose ratings were considerably higher in the same timeslot) has a fighting chance. FF has its problems, but after watching this assault on the narrative, it's looking better and better by the minute.

I've already spent far more time on this mess than I'd like to admit, so I'll wrap this up. The Deep End isn't worth your time. If you're looking for a legal drama to add to your schedule, tune into CBS's The Good Wife. It has engaging characters, interesting legal cases, a working knowledge of the law, powerful dynamics, good writing, witty dialogue... let's just say it has everything The Deep End doesn't.

Except for Billy Zane. Of course. So if he's the draw for you (and I'm operating in a world where that's conceivably possible), you can go ahead and be one of the nine people watching The Deep End next week.

Enjoy! All 8,364 mind-melting minutes of it...

Pilot Grade: F

ABC Pilots: Volume 2

I don't know exactly what ABC's schedule looks like for next year (they're so thoroughly subject to change that I don't generally bother until the time comes--plus, with the DVR, it doesn't really matter), but, given the sheer (shear?) volume, I have to assume that several of their pilots will premiere at midseason... It's looking like V, Deep End, and Happy Town will all start up around January. I am finally, finally, finally getting around to the rest of ABC's lineup. I tried to coax Annie into taking the reins on these, but she had a lot of non-wedding anniversary stuff to take care of...

At any rate, the rest of the contenders (those who weren't included in volume 1) are as follows:

THE FORGOTTEN


My Take: Well, right off the bat, for a show with as serious a subject matter as this, it seems pretty spectacularly cheesetastic... although I suppose that's a natural extension of earnest self-importance... It's honestly kind of difficult to even assess this kind of show after a while. This is an admittedly different angle on the procedural, but I'm not sure it's an improvement. Although the approach is a bit different, the end result and ultimate goals are still largely the same. This puts a bit more focus on identifying the victim than your usual crime show, but I don't think that's enough to re-invent this particular wheel. The victim's voice-over didn't really work for me and I'm hoping that was for the sake of the pilot and not an ongoing motif, but I'm guessing I'm wrong. In all honesty, this show will look a hell of a lot different when it actually becomes a series. Several cast changes have already been made, including the lead, and not for the better... Hot off the ignominious failure that was My Own Worst Enemy, Christian Slater will play Alex Donovan, a former lawman who heads up the "Identity Network" (which sounds more like a social networking site than a super-duper crime fighting team to me). The role was filled in the pilot by British actor Rupert Penry-Jones (BBC's Spooks). Also, the role of Linda is being recast as well. She was played in the pilot by Reiko Aylesworth from 24. Anyway, when major cast shake-ups occur, usually the whole entity undergoes some serious changes, so I expect this will turn into something quite different than what we're seeing now. Given the changes so far, and the fact that Jerry Bruckheimer has his sticky fingers involved, I'm afraid the changes won't be for the better.

Bottom Line? I think this is going to be yet another derivative crime procedural in an already overcrowded sea of derivative crime procedurals. I'll give it a shot, but I think my quota has already been filled.

V


My Take: I have to say, of all the pilots coming out this fall, V looks like it has the most potential for awesomeness. This series is based on a miniseries from the 80s that has a fairly substantial cult following. I never actually saw the miniseries, so I'll be embarking into this territory without any pre-conceived notions. Not only does the concept have a lot of potential, but the show boasts a pretty impressive cast thus far. Elizabeth Mitchell (of Lost fame) is headlining the show and she is joined by various Whedon alums who play fellow FBI peeps and aliens alike. The giant face in the sky belongs to Morena Baccarin (aka Inara from Firefly) and I believe that was Alan Tudyk playing one of Mitchells FBI comrades (I've heard conflicting information about his involvement in the show, but I'm wagering he'll be at least a recurring character, if not a regular). At first, it has an unfortunate Independence Day vibe, but fortunately said vibe was stolen from much better source materials, so I'm confident V will hold its own and avoid any and all Will Smith-related comparisons (I've only seen the trailer and can tell you it deserves much better). It may just be the sci-fi geek inside me, but I'm kinda sorta totally stoked to see Morena and company lull humanity into a stupor of admiration and devotion and then destroy the whole lot... Call me crazy, but that sounds like a grand old time. :) Sci-fi has had a hard run over the past few years, so I'm hoping to hell this show really knocks it out of the park and finds a following right quick. ABC has a better track record for such feats than, say, I don't know, Fox, so with any luck, it shouldn't be a problem. V will premiere at midseason, presumably after Lost's final season premiere.

Bottom Line? The whole affair looks solid from beginning to end. I've always enjoyed a show that appeals to a cult following. Add that to my Whedon devotion and the glowing reviews I've come across so far and I suspect this will feature prominently in my top tier. It looks to be a slick production from people who know what they're doing, so I'm confident it will handled in the right way. I kinda can't wait. :) Scott Wolf notwithstanding.

MODERN FAMILY


My Take: You know, at first glance, I assumed it would be awful, but it actually looks pretty decent. Good, I dare say. It's not often that a promo alone is enough to elicit even a smile from me, but the preview for Modern Family was actually pretty funny here and there. The single camera style is pretty much the norm these days and as far as I'm concerned, is totally welcomed. Anything that means there's no laugh track and I'm on board. I can't help but to think if Arrested Development had come out this year, it would have done oh-so-much better. Anyway, in kind of a similar vein, Modern Family is delightfully disfunctional (rather than desperately, laboriously disfunctional, which is so often the case). I'm not completely sold on the show, what with my hatred for children on TV and all, but this one seems to be hitting a much funnier and more enjoyable note than most. The scene on the plane really cracked me up. It just so simple and yet effective and funny to have the baby holding actual cream puffs that I couldn't help but to smile. And offering to pay for everyone's headsets? Perfect.

Bottom Line? When I first heard about this one, I assumed it would be your standard family comedy, but I'm very pleased to see that it has a lot more edge and a lot better approach than the crap that's currently out there. There aren't a lot of comedies that really strike the right chord with me, but, shocked as I am, I think Modern Family might just hit the right note. As long as it steers clear of the usual cliches and keeps an inappropriate edge, I think it'll work. Here's hoping.

THE MIDDLE


My Take: You know those standard, un-funny family comedies I mentioned in the Modern Family discussion? Yeah... The Middle is one of those. This show just appears to be trying so very hard to be funny that it totally isn't. The whole "haggard mother who doesn't know what happened to her life" routine is pretty played out (not that I cared to watch it the first 874 times) and I have the slightest tendency to completley loathe Patricia Heaton, so this one was off-putting from the get-go. It was a very short clip, but somehow way too long all at the same time. This show really doesn't seem to be up my alley or worth my time. When I saw that it was billed as "a sitcom about a Midwestern family living middle-American values," I pretty much knew it wasn't going to be love at first sight. I'd have lemon-lawed this sucker in seconds.

Bottom Line? I'll pass, thanks. I don't have children, don't want to have children, and don't need this show to remind me of just how much I don't want to have children in order to not have children. Blah.

HANK


My Take: The dreaded laugh track... It's annoying on principle, but when applied to something that doesn't actually elicit any laughing, it basically shines a spotlight on the un-funniness. Ugh. I generally quite enjoy Kelsey Grammer and adored the first several seasons of Frasier, but with this new gig, Grammer doesn't appear to have found his footing or really created a character. I realize that generally takes more than just a pilot to establish, but it was still kind of painful to see him so out of depth. It's not like it's the kind of role he couldn't handle, he just, well... didn't. The dialogue was clunky and forced, the jokes were ham-fisted, and the laugh track helped show me where the writers actually thought they were being funny, but totally weren't. It's the kind of concept that could work, if standard sitcom fare is your game, but I'm underwhelmed. And a little in pain.

Bottom Line? Well, um... it's good to see he's getting work? Ugh. It would take a whole hell of a lot to make this work and from what I've seen and read, it ain't gonna happen.

THE DEEP END




My Take: Well, show for show, this baby has more "oh hey, it's that guy!" than just about any other I've come across. Teeming with people who have been in a bunch of other stuff can be a detriment at times, but none of these were real headliners in previous projects, so I don’t think it’ll be a problem. Was that Billy Zane? He kind of fell of the planet… or should I say, into “the deep end”! Oy. Sorry, couldn’t resist. Anyway, this looks like kind of a throw back to legal shows of the late 90s, so I’m feeling a bit nostalgic. The tone looks to be more lighthearted than your usual hard-hitting drama, but toward the end of the preview, they seemed to be trying to walk the comedy/drama line and, sadly, not walking it very well. It has your standard legal show clichés and stereotypical characters, but that’s not to say it doesn’t have promise. There’s a reason that formula is so popular, after all. I’m just afraid that it won’t be able to really make its own mark and will lose my attention before I can really get invested. I adore Tina Majorino (she was one of the many wonderful aspects of Veronica Mars), but her character seems to be particularly (and intentionally) annoying, and not in a charming way, so that’s a downer. The rest of the cast appears to be decent enough and suitably charming for this kind of set up, so if the writers play their cards right, I don’t see why this couldn’t be a nice little genre piece. Taken in the wrong direction, and it could just be a derivative mess. Only time will tell.

Bottom Line? I’m not over the moon for this one, but it doesn’t look awful… yet. There were certain aspects to the preview that rubbed me the wrong way, but it looks watchable overall. I don’t think it’d ever be a first tier contender, but hopefully it’s good enough to grace the second.