CW FALL 2012: Schedule and Pilot Trailers

Not sure why, but neither NBC nor the CW offered up full trailers for their new shows when they unveiled their fall schedules.  Clips, sure, but no full trailers.  Ugh.  Well, the CW is finally starting to roll out actual trailers for their new offerings, but not all.  As such, this is a little incomplete.

Anyhow, the slowness with with they can assemble a trailer is the least of the CW's woes.  Aside from having the worst ratings on network TV (their ratings pale in comparison to most cable shows, in fact), their development slate last season was almost entirely a disaster.  Seriously, when a supernatural show penned by one of the writers of the most successful show on the network is terrible, you know you're in trouble.  Indeed, even with The Vampire Diaries as a lead-in, and Kevin Williamson at the helm, The Secret Circle was a truly awful show.  I spent the better part of the first season thinking that it might turn around ( the way TVD did), but it most certainly didn't.  The writing was bad, the concept was mishandled, and more than anything, the two leads had about as much successful chemistry as a pre-Walter White Jesse Pinkman (which, for you non-Breaking Bad people out there, is code for "none").  Seriously, I'm no fan of Britt Robertson OR Thomas Dekker, but even I thought they'd have more chemistry together than they did.  What a disaster.  Furthermore, rather than the writers of the show noticing  this and changing course, they kept on keeping on with the "they're destined for each other" storyline.  Long story short, even TSC couldn't survive and summarily cancelled.  Ringer, the other much-hyped pilot from last fall, was deservedly cancelled as well.

Here's the long and the short of the fall season:

MONDAY
8/7c 90210
9 pm Gossip Girl  (THE CARRIE DIARIES takes over in January)

TUESDAY
8 pm Hart of Dixie
9 pm EMILY OWENS, M.D. (formerly known as First Cut)

WEDNESDAY
8 pm ARROW
9 pm Supernatural

THURSDAY
8 pm The Vampire Diaries
9 pm BEAUTY AND THE BEAST

FRIDAY
8 pm America’s Next Top Model
9 pm Nikita

NOT RETURNING NEXT SEASON:  Ringer, The Secret Circle, One Tree Hill (sweet jesus, finally), H8R, Remodeled, and The LA Complex.

The CW still hasn't put out a trailer for The Carrie Diaries, but I'm already scared.  Gossip Girl is ending it's run midseason when The Carrie Diaries takes over, so odds are a trailer won't be forthcoming for a while.  Can't say I'm too heartbroken... 

Here are the trailers/clips that are available at this point:

ARROW

My Take: Well, this show has more than a few fairly overt Dark Knight elements and overtones, but hey, if you're going to copy something outright, may as well draw from the well of awesomeness.  I'm honestly not too familiar with the mythology of the Green Arrow comics, but it appears to borrow heavily from Batman lore.  Again, a fine choice of influences, but it also means that it'll be compared to it's predecessor.  A lot.  And it probably won't measure up.  Taking Arrow for what it is and trying to divorce it from The Dark Knight, this looks like a solid action adventure show with an interesting central mystery and modified mythology of its own.  Generally speaking, comic book heroes appeal to me greatly, but when translating to live-action, it has to be done right.  From the trailer alone, Arrow appears to have taken the concept from the comics (and other iterations) and transmuted it into episodic television successfully in terms of tone, cinematography, costuming, etc.  How well that will work in the long run is anyone's guess, but at least right now I'm not cringing at the cheesiness of his outfit or the absurdity of  the setting (*cough* The Cape *cough*).  That said, all I could think toward the end of the trailer was, "Awh hell, looks like someone brought a bow and arrow to a gun fight."  As far as weapons go, the bow and arrow have always been on the cool end of  the spectrum, but in a modern, urban setting it comes across as a bit silly.  Not as silly as I would have expected though, so that's a big plus.  I'm sure it's the kind of thing you'd get used to, but as ever with the bow and arrow, there's only so much one can do.  What happens when he runs out of arrows?  It's a pretty useless weapon at close range...   Anyway, it's derivative, to be sure, but if it's done well, it should be enjoyable.  It has a slightly different bent in terms of his origin story with the shipwreck and I think the writers could do a lot with that.  If they can present a compelling reason he's fighting for the little guy and if they play their cards right, this could be a serviceable superhero show.  All in all, it's more up my alley than most of the new pilots for fall and it looks to be well made and well cast.  Thievery aside, I must say, I'm kind of excited for this one.  It's certainly exceeds my expectations so far and even allays a few fears.

Potential-O-Meter:  7.5


EMILY OWENS, M.D.



My Take:  Speaking of borrowing liberally from other shows, good lord, seriously?  Seriously.  And no, that wasn't actually supposed to be a straight-up Grey's Anatomy reference, but hey, when in Rome.  This is pretty patently derivative and I'm not sure there's any way around that fact when reviewing.  Man alive, it's even the same specialty front and center.  What few elements aren't specifically Grey's in nature are cliches from every other medical drama you've ever seen, plus a dash of Mean Girls for good measure.  You've got the spate of new surgical residents who don't know what they're doing, the obvious budding romantic situation between resident and attending, the uber-competiveness, the Baily-esque Nazi, the voice-over, etc.  There are only a few minor differences and tweaks, but they're appreciated and will be the key to this show hopefully becoming it's own show at some point.  I like that our lead was a losery geek back in the day and the theme that we never really leave high school.  It's not much of a departure from other shows out there, but with Mamie Gummer in the role, it's pretty charming.  Mamie is delightful, so even with overly-familiar storylines, this might be an enjoyable little medical drama where you totally know what's going to happen, but you like watching it anyway.  The cast in general seems likeable enough, but I'm not sure anyone will really be able to stand out among the crowd of pretty people.  I think the show will be banking on the central love triangle with some random medical stuff thrown in here and there, which to be honest, doesn't have me chomping at the bit.  That said, I really enjoyed the first few seasons of Grey's, so many this show can capture some of that appeal.  In pretty much every respect, this is the same old thing, but it's an old thing that usually does pretty well on mainstream TV.  I review medical research proposals for a living, so seeing different specialties described in terms of different high school cliques made me smile, so with any luck, the show will find a way to integrate the "life is high school and high school sucked" theme in a new and fresh way.  Can't say I'm holding out too much hope for that, but that's the element that most appealed to me in the trailer.

Potential-O-Meter:  5    


BEAUTY AND THE BEAST

 My Take:  Oh dear god, SO cheesy.  Like, eye-rollingly, wince-inducingly cheesy.  Apparently this is very loosely based on the '80s series starring Linda Hamilton and Ron Perlman in lion make-up.  The beast for the modern era is basically a Calvin Klein model with a bit of a scar and a lot more brooding.  Ugh.  Yikes.  Wow.  This show is clearly hoping to tap into the tween girl fantasy zeitgeist of the past several years, taking a healthy dollop of Twilight and adding a sexy detective.  For a specific audience, this show could work, but as far as broader appeal is concerned, I'm already groaning and I've only seen 5 minutes of the show.  First and foremost, they seem to be pushing the romance between the two leads WAY too soon.  Again, tapping into the conventions of YA teen girl fiction, there's no build-up, only immediate pay-off.  Which, when the pay-off is immediate, there is no pay-off.  I think I'll have a hard time caring about these characters even in the long run, let alone the pilot.  This show has been paired with The Vampire Diaries on Thursday nights, and while I think there's a sizable segment of TVD's audience that falls into the very specific demo that Beauty and the Beast is aiming for, there's just as sizable a segment that won't care about this show one iddy bit.  Perhaps this show is hoping to do just what TVD did, taking a seemingly contrived tween love story and turning it into a kickass supernatural show, but as with The Secret Circle before it, I seriously doubt Beauty and the Beast will succeed.  I don't know.  I guess it's possible, and I'll certainly give it a few episodes to try, but TVD set the bar pretty high here.  On the plus side, the production looks good and it at least has some semblance of an over-arching mythology to cling to.  How well it will use said mythology is up for grabs, but I'm going to err on the "mostly disappointing" end of the spectrum.  The only aspect that really caught my eye was the fight scene when blood spatter hit the camera.  That was a nice touch and certainly against the grain for a show like this.  The damsely crap that followed was less impressive.  I'm sorry, why didn't she get her own ass off the railroad tracks?  Because the big strong man needed to feel useful, I guess.  Put her in actual, logical peril and it's fine to have some help.  Make her look like a dumbass who thinks she can outrun a train and we have a problem.

Potential-O-Meter:  4      


And that's it so far for the CW.  A mixed bag of mostly very familiar concepts and unnecessary voiceovers.  Yay.  Of these, Arrow is far and away the most promising, but as an anchor with no lead-in, on a struggling network, it's got its work cut out for it.

CW Pilots 2011 (Buffy!)

Oh, sweet, adorable CW. I give you a hard time, but when it comes to pilot season, you bring me nothing but joy. Is that because the shows you select are invariably kickass? Goodness no. I think we all remember Hellcats. But in terms of managing the volume of new shows, I can always count on you to have hardly any at all. Most seasons it's only two. This season, I see you've branched out to three. One small step forward to real networkdom.

Here's the fall schedule (newbs in all caps, Eastern Time):

MONDAY
8 pm Gossip Girl [new time slot]
9 pm HART OF DIXIE

TUESDAY
8 pm 90210 [new time slot]
9 pm RINGER

WEDNESDAY
8 pm H8R
9 pm America’s Next Top Model

THURSDAY
8 pm The Vampire Diaries
9 pm THE SECRET CIRCLE

FRIDAY
8 pm Nikita [new time slot]
9 pm Supernatural

Just look at that. No Sunday. No third hour of primetime. Easy breezy. I could ramble on about what the network needs to do to be a real threat in the industry, but it ain't gonna happen, so I'll save my breath... or typing. Long story short, they're getting their asses handed to them by ABC Family. Why, you ask? Is it because the shows are better? Hell no. I think it boils down to the fact that ABC Family can advertise on all of ABC's other networks, whereas the CW has a more limited pool. You'd think Warner Brothers would have more pull and exposure, but honestly, I see ads for ABC Family all over the place and the CW almost nowhere. Anyway, here's the latest in the CW's desperate attempt to keep their heads above water.

RINGER

Description: Stars Sarah Michelle Gellar (Buffy the Vampire Slayer), Kristoffer Polaha (Life Unexpected), Ioan Gruffudd (Fantastic Four), Nestor Carbonell (Lost), and others. Eric Carmelo and Nicole Snyder (Supernatural) will executive-produce the project.



First Impressions: Buffy! That's right, folks. Sarah Michelle Gellar is finally returning to television. Probably not on the network she had in mind ("I've been behhrnt by you before!"), but a return nonetheless. Word is, CBS was considering picking up the show, but opted out. This is far and away the most mature, off-brand show the CW has ever had. Rather than a teeny-bopper fantasy or a supernatural genre piece, this looks to be a surprisingly adult drama. The promo above doesn't really do it justice methinks. I've seen a couple of clips of the show and the trailer doesn't do much to explain the premise. From what I've seen, I'm very excited and intrigued. Buffy plays identical twins, which always leads to certain problems, but it looks like they'll be pulling it off well. Hopefully it'll be as astounding as Nina Dobrev's turn as Elena and Katherine. Honestly, when Katherine first appeared on the scene, I was a bit worried that it would feel like The Parent Trap or something, but Dobrev does a wonderful job. I never have to wonder who I'm looking at, unless of course that's part of the plan. Anyway, this looks to break out of the CW's mold which is wonderful, but also problematic. Are junior high schoolers who drool over 90210 really going to stick around for a serious psychological drama? I have my doubts. The real saving grace will be if the Whedonverse turns out in droves. That legion may be tiny, but it's dedicated. Plus, what meager numbers they put up would be cancel-worthy on another network, but on the CW? They'll probably fit right in. This looks like an interesting concept with a great cast. If they can pull off the ins and outs of twins, it should be a winner. "Numfar do the dance of joy!"


THE SECRET CIRCLE

Description: Stars Britt Robertson (Life Unexpected), Thomas Dekker (Heroes), Gale Harold (Queer as Folk), Phoebe Tonkin as Fay Chamberlain, Jessica Parker Kennedy as Melissa, Shelley Hennig as Diana Meade, Louis Hunter as Nick, Ashley Crow as Jane Blake and Natasha Henstridge as Dawn Chamberlain. From executive producers Kevin Williamson (“The Vampire Diaries,” “Scream,” “Dawson’s Creek”), Andrew Miller (“Imaginary Bitches”), Leslie Morgenstein (“The Vampire Diaries,” “Gossip Girl”) and Gina Girolamo.



First Impressions: Okay, peeps, seriously mixed feelings about this one. One the one hand, it's from Vampire Diaries genius Kevin Williamson. On the other hand, it's from Vampire Diaries genius Kevin Williamson. You see, it's always lovely when you come across a show from someone you love, but when that someone is currently working on something else, it's bittersweet. More often than not, the showrunner in question gets spread a little thin and one or both of the projects suffer as a result. I'm hoping to hell that's not the case here, but I'm cautious. Another bone of contention is that this stars that obnoxious brat from Life Unexpected. Ugh. Not a good sign. The cast in general leads to some concerns, but along with the wild cards are some solid players. Um, Brian Kinney? Yes, please. In terms of concept, the whole, "person discovers he or she (usually she) has powers" is entirely overdone, but if anyone could pull it off, it's Williamson. The book series that this show is based on is from the same author as TVD. From what I've heard from readers, the series is rather divergent than the books. As Secret Circle starts off, I'm guessing it'll be pretty true to the source, but as with TVD, I'm guessing it blazes its own path. This show has a definite The Craft vibe to it that I'm not sure does it any favors, but it also has a rather Harry Potter-ish generational storyline that I'm intrigued by. I like that the parents all have a history together at the same time that their kids are building their own history. I can't say it'll be a home run, but I'll definitely be tuning in. Be forewarned, if it's anything like TVD (and it should be), it may start of slow and vaguely juvenile, but that's probably not where it'll end up.


HART OF DIXIE

Description: Stars Rachel Bilson (The OC), Scott Porter (FNL, The Good Wife), Jaime King, Wilson Bethel, and Cress Williams. From executive producers Leila Gerstein (“Gossip Girl,” “Eli Stone”), Josh Schwartz (“Gossip Girl,” “Chuck,” “The O.C.”), Stephanie Savage (“Gossip Girl,” “The O.C.”), Len Goldstein and Jason Ensler (“Gossip Girl,” “Chuck”).







First Impressions: Well, first off, we have the major problem of believing for even one iddy biddy second that Rachel Bilson is a surgeon. I like Bilson a lot, but no. Then there's the problem of the voice-over. Hopefully that's short-lived. Beyond all that, we have the concept. Sigh. Look, I'm a huge fan of the Schwartz/Savage pairing, but this just feels incredibly old hat. And not even a very good hat. The whole fish out of water, city slicker moves to a small town has been done way too many times to seem fresh. That said, I loved Everwood... I'm doubting Hart of Dixie will rise to that level, but I'm trying to keep an open mind. It'll be nice to see Jason Street back in action (what with his recent stint on The Good Wife making me want to beat him to death with Kalinda's bat), but I can't say he's my favorite actor. Jaime King actually seems to be the most at home with the show so far, but will predictably bring the evil harpy dressed in chiffon to fruition. In case I'm being too subtle, of the CW's offerings, this one has me the least excited. I'm holding onto hope that the creative team is one that I love and that even if this doesn't look great on the surface, it will likely have a quirky humor to it that I can appreciate. I'll certainly give it a shot, but on paper, it's just not my cup of tea. Here's hoping it's better in execution than conception.

CW Upfronts: Last and Least (per yoozh)

Oh, don't worry, I just had a fairly absurd discussion with Annie about how on earth to spell "yoozh" (you know, as in "usual"... or not). Anyway, such a silly debate is actually a fairly apt preamble when it comes to the CW network...

It's not for lack of trying, but the CW just struggles. A lot. Seriously, the WB did all right, didn't it? Of course, the WB didn't have ABC Family breathing down its neck, but still. The CW's one, true saving grace is that it picked up Nikita for second season. Only on the CW could a show with those kind of ratings see another year, so in a way, the abysmal status of the network worked to my advantage there. It's a surprisingly good show, the second best on the network, and it deserved another year to prove itself. The fact that it's been shuffled to Friday is less than encouraging, but it's not like the CW has anything with which to replace it either. I like to think that part of the reason it got a stay of execution was that Julie Plec and Kevin Williamson (aka the showrunners behind The Vampire Diaries and new pilot The Secret Circle) are such big fans of the show. If anyone has some sway at the network, I'd say it's them. Whatever the case may be, I will take it. Suffice it to say, if Smallville weren't coming to an end, I think Nikita would be.

Not a whole lot to report, given the size of the network and all, but here's how it breaks down.

SHOWS THAT HAVE BEEN CANCELED:

• Hellcats
  I barely made it through the pilot and even the promise of Gale Harold couldn't lure me back after that. Don't get me wrong, between this or the 112th season of One Tree Hill, I'd have to pick this, but I can't say I'm sad to see it go.
  
  
• Life Unexpected
  This got canceled ages ago, but it looked stupid to only have Hellcats under this heading, so I branched out... Oh, don't you worry though, the beyond annoying girl who played Lux will be back on the network come fall in The Secret Circle. Based on that casting decision alone, I'm about 40% less excited about the show.
  
  
• Smallville (final season)
  I can't believe this show has been on for this long, but I have to give it props for ending at exactly the right time (you know, so that Nikita gets a reprieve). I guess Superman's last heroic act was to save an underappreciated spy series that's very close to my heart. Awh.
  

SHOWS THAT HAVE BEEN PICKED-UP:

• 90210
  Ugh. That is all.
  
  
• Gossip Girl
  I hear this show got awesome again, but I'm too far behind now to just casually start watching again. I gave up half-way through season 3 and haven't been able to get back in the game. Apparently Dan and Blair hooked up? Well, when all other combinations have been exhausted... I supposed it was them or Dan and Serena for the 87th time... Yikes.
  
  
• Nikita
  Yay! I already blathered on about this show in a previous post, so I'll just say I'm glad it survived. With this renewed, The Chicago Code was the only one of my shows to bite the bullet.
  
  
• One Tree Hill
  Oh, sweet Jesus, what will this be, season 9? Only on the CW. Wow, this is part of the reason you're not a real network, CW.
  
  
• Supernatural
  I don't watch this show, but judging by how rabid its fans are, I seem to be missing something pretty awesome. Maybe someday.
  
  
• The Vampire Diaries
  Two seasons in, and I'm still in love. Here's hoping it doesn't fizzle out in season 3 like Gossip Girl did... I'm a little afraid that Kevin Williamson will be stretched a little thin with The Secret Circle, but here's hoping Damon and friends will continue to kick ass and sacrifice things in the year to come.
  

CW Pilots: Both of them!

Oh, CW. Cute, adorable, not-quite-a-network, CW. For all the CW's foibles, and let's face it, there are a lot, the mere fact that I only have two new pilots to review for it makes up for a lot.

With only two offerings, you'd assume they'd both be good, but, well, then I screened the trailer for Hellcats... Wow... Fortunately, their other new venture looks pretty promising, so technically they're batting 50-50, which is actually a better ratio than most... Way to swing for the fences, CW. (Geez,what's with the baseball idioms? That is baseball, right...?)

Anyway, here's how the CW's fall line-up is stacking up so far. At this point, the Vampire Diaries is the only show on the network that I watch, so here's hoping Nikita lives up to expectations. What happened to my Gossip Girl adoration, you ask? Season three. I honestly still have 8 1/2 episodes saved on my DVR, but I just can't bring myself to finish them, so I'm calling this break-up official. Such a shame. The first two seasons were completely awesome, but the third... well... yeah... The Vampire Diaries, by contrast is shaping up to be stronger than ever. Seriously, have you seen the [SPOILER ALERT for those who haven't watched season 1--seriously DO NOT WATCH if you haven't seen the entire season yet, Annie] new promo?! Oh my god, I'm excited! Next week! It really turned out to be oh-so-much-more than a stupid tween vampire love story. Highly recommended.

Anyway, back on track, here's the schedule:

MONDAY
7 pm 90210
8 pm Gossip Girl

TUESDAY
7 pm One Tree Hill
8 pm Life Unexpected

WEDNESDAY
7 pm America's Next Top Model
8 pm Hellcats (new)

THURSDAY
7 pm The Vampire Diaries
8 pm Nikita (new)

FRIDAY
7 pm Smallville
8 pm Supernatural

We'll start with the bad news first... Ugh, I watched this trailer months ago and I can't believe I'm about to watch it again. It's all out of love for you, gentle readers, not the show...


HELLCATS

Description: Stars Alyson Michalka, Ashley Tisdale (of High School Musical infamy), Heather Hemmens, Robbie Jones, and a bunch of other people I've never heard of. From executive producers Kevin Murphy (“Desperate Housewives”), Tom Welling (“Smallville”) and Allan Arkush (“Heroes,” “Crossing Jordan”). The pilot was directed by Allan Arkush.



That was just a commercial for it and yet, I'm guessing most people have already seen enough. For an excruciating, two-minute clip from the pilot, go here. Embedding has been disabled, because, you know, this is the kind of quality content that the CW is going to want to protect...

My Take: Well, I already used the adjective "excruciating," so where does one go from there? Oh my god, this looks awful. The collection of people comprising the creative team is absolutely dumfoudning. Never would I have put this collection of people together and never would I have thought that such a collection would come up with something like this. The basic premise is tired and overdone (I think we settled on 11 sequels to Bring It On before they finally called it quits) and only worked with the first Bring It On because it was largely mocking. "Cheerleaders are dancers... who've gone retarded..." Classic. This mess? Not so much. Oh good god, seriously, I barely made it through that two minute clip linked prior. "Cringe-worthy" doesn't do it justice. I felt completely embarrassed for everyone on the screen and just kept glancing at the time bar to see how much longer I had to suffer. In case this was just too subtle, this looks to be one of the worst pilots of the season, if not all eternity. I don't know that I'll even be able to bring myself to screen the pilot. It's not even painful in a hilarious, this-is-so-bad-it's-a-blast-to-make-fun-of kind of way. It's just bad. And is yet another in the long line of shows over the past decade that seem hell-bent on making frivolous bitches the societal ideal. Don't get me wrong, when done right, that can be a lot of guilty fun, but here? I have the unrelenting sensation to set things on fire. PASS.


NIKITA

Description: Stars Maggie Q (Mission Impossible III), Lyndsy Fonseca (she plays the daughter of Narrator Ted on How I Met Your Mother), Shane West (ER), Aaron Stanford, Ashton Holmes, and Tiffany Hines. From executive producers Craig Silverstein (“Bones,” “K-Ville”), Danny Cannon (“CSI: Crime Scene Investigation,” “Chuck”), McG (“Supernatural,” “Chuck,” “The O.C.,” “Charlie’s Angels”), and Peter Johnson (“Supernatural,” “Chuck”). The pilot was directed by Danny Cannon.



My Take: Color me intrigued. Granted, it has more than a few Alias-style overtones (good hell, the murdered lover's name is Daniel... again), but I loved Alias, so I say bring it. I'm not too familiar with previous iterations of La Femme Nikita, however, so odds are, Alias stole most of its trump cards in the first place. Provenance aside, this looks pretty slick and sexy and I'm totally on board. I love a good game of cat and mouse and when it's on the scale of a spy-thriller, I'm even more intrigued. I'm not all that familiar with Maggie Q, but from the trailer alone, I'm already buying her as the deadly Nikita. She has tremendous presence onscreen and looks more than capable of anchoring such a demanding show. The supporting cast looks equally strong, and was that Melinda Clarke I spied? Excellent. It was easy to track down the executive producers on the show, but singling out a showrunner has proved more difficult. All signs point to a solid creative team, however, so I'm confident they can pull off the difficult move from a film to a series. All the same, it'll be interesting to see what they do with this story season to season because the basic conceit seems untenable over the long-run. The fact that I'm already thinking about future seasons, however, is a very good sign. If I had to choose a genre that I'd be happy to have more entrants, the spy thriller would definitely win out over lawyer shows, cop shows, and medical dramas, so I say, bring it on. Although, I am a little afraid that they're all starting to bleed together a bit in my mind. While watching the pilot, I could hear Michael Westen in my head saying, "In a fight, you have to be careful not to break the little bones in your hand on someone's face. That's why I like bathrooms... lots of hard surfaces." Way to watch TV and use it to your advantage, Nikita. Long story short, this one looks like it could have some serious potential. Count me in.

CW Upfronts: Last, but not... well, yeah, kind of least...

Oh, little CW, you try real hard, dontcha? Honestly though, for as pitiful a network as it is, it always seems to have a show or two that I can't live without. Last year at this time, that show would have been Gossip Girl... Well, what a difference a year makes. Nowadays, Gossip Girl is barely even on my radar (this season just... hasn't... quite... done it for me) and The Vampire Diaries has kind of taken over my life. Speaking of which, if you didn't get in on the ground floor and are sick of hearing me talk about it without having seen it (or if you're Nicole and you started late to the series), they are going to be airing reruns of The Vampire Diaries all summer, starting with a rebroadcast of the pilot on May 27th. Set your DVRs to awesome.

Honestly, TVD is the only show I really care about on the network this year, so the upfronts came with very little fanfare. There was no Veronica Mars for me to worry about and most of the decisions were forgone conclusions. The only serieseses that were up in the air? Well, that would be the CW cagematch: Life Unexpected vs. One Tree Hill. Otherwise known as the wussiest cagematch in the history of the universe. I wasn't impressed by Life Unexpected and One Tree Hill has been awful since day one, so you can see that this is a battle in which I am wholly invested. See below for the thrilling details! (Spoiler alert: The CW took the easy, "I don't wanna get yelled at" way out.)

Quick note: I'll be publishing all the fall schedules in the next couple of weeks and an assessment of what shows will be going to battle for timeslot supremacy. Also, it was pointed out by commenter Jess that I had made an error regarding the CBS scheduling moves. The Big Bang Theory is moving to Thursdays at 7 pm, opposite Community. I don't know why I was thinking Wednesday, but it's been corrected. (Boy, is my face red...)

Anyway, on with the show, er, shows...

***SHOWS THAT HAVE BEEN PICKED UP***

Life Unexpected AND One Tree Hill
Surprise! Okay, not really. After several months of speculation and rumor that only one show would survive, the CW took the pathetic way out and picked up both series for an initial order of 13 episodes each. I assume one of them will premiere at midseason, or, when the CW's new cheerleader catastrophe Hellcats tanks (at least I hope to hell it tanks), then one of these shows will fill the scheduling gap. I'll be posting clips of new shows in the coming weeks, but for now, I'm just glad to be wrapping up the Upfronts alive. I honestly can't stand either of these shows (although I hear Life Unexpected has gotten considerably better), so I wasn't much invested in this most-pathetic of cagematches. Poor CW. Having to choose between these two little gems must have been quite the Sophie's choice...

90210
I only made it through the pilot... and even then, I'm pretty sure I may have suffered some brain damage. It's not Melrose Place in terms of eye-gougingly painfulness, but it's close. So of course it'll be back! Oh, CW. How I wish you were more of a real network...

The Vampire Diaries
My darling Vampire Diaries is quite thankfully the most successful show on the network, so there was never any doubt that it would be back. I was going to post a big wrap up after the finale, but then Upfront season was upon us. Hopefully I'll get some time next week. That'll give me some extra time to watch the last 10 minutes of the episode a few more times. Holy hell! It's going to be a looooong summer, peeps. Not sure if I'm going to make it. Already... going... through... withdrawals...!

Gossip Girl
My used-to-be darling GG will also be back. I'm sorry, but this season has fallen completely flat for me (and as near as I can tell, everyone else too). I just don't care anymore. The season started off well enough, but after a few eps, I was basically done. It's gone beyond being a chore to watch and I have at least 9 or 10 episodes saved up on my DVR that I honestly don't know if I'll ever watch. Maybe this summer? Maybe (make that probably) not...

America's Next Top Jumpsuit, er Model
I haven't watched the past few cycles of Tyra's progressive insanity, and I'm very comfortable with that decision. I saw enough clips of the show on The Soup and The Dish to never need to see this show again (so many jumpsuits, so little time). It was always only ever a guilty pleasure, but now it's just guilty--of oh-so-many offenses. Plus, the complete misnomer of a title has to be a little off-putting for contestants these days. Top models they are not. Hell, models, they are not.

Smallville
I watched the first couple of seasons of this show, then fell off the wagon. Next thing I know, it's been on for nine years. Mercifully, I have heard confirmation that season 10 will be its last. Did he ever even start flying? I have to assume he did... At any rate, the show should be wrapping up next year.

Supernatural
As much as I just loved Dean on Gilmore Girls, I don't think I ever need to see him again. But, this show has one of the most rabid fanbases in town. Small though it may be, they are vocal and passionate to say the least. I guess they weren't GG fans originally, because Jared Padalecki is a dealbreaker, whether his hair is looking "cool, or not so cool."

***SHOWS THAT HAVE BEEN CANCELED***

Melrose Place
Yeah, it was pretty much the only show on the network to get the boot (save for the three episodes of The Beautiful Life that managed to air--methinks that doesn't really count as ever having been on the air). This was god-awful on a truly painful scale. It won't be missed. Hell, even firing Ashlee Simpson's sorry ass couldn't save this particular train wreck, and in my experience, getting rid of Ashlee Simpson is usually the first step in recovery: admitting you have a problem. A botoxed, plastic, wooden dingbat problem. (Me? Judgmental? Well, I never!)

The Beautiful Life (in case you forgot)
You know you've got a terrible show on your hands when it gets canceled by the redheaded step child CW after three episodes. This is a network that gave Melrose Place an entire season... Ouch.

Because one horrible 90's reboot simply wasn't enough...

Oh, CW. It tries really hard to be a real network, but generally doesn't succeed... Quite frankly, after they cancelled Veronica Mars, I held very little loyalty to the net, but Gossip Girl helped soften the blow. Even the network's flagship serieseses don't yield tremendous ratings, but the CW seems to hang in there season to season (some how).

Well, with many of the CW's line-up reaching retirement age (oh god how I wish they'd retire them already), the waters ahead are looking even murkier (read: lowratingsy) than before. Standbys like Smallville, Supernatural, and (sadly, regrettably, embarrassingly) One Tree Hill (bleckk) are getting a little long in the tooth these days, and it's not just some wacky plotline. Smallville just wrapped it's 8th season (it's one of those shows I'm glad to say I broke up with back in its 3rd season and can't believe is still kicking, er, flying), Supernatural is already on to its 5th season starting this fall, and somehow (black magic, some seriously, seriously unfortunate karma, who knows), One Tree Hill has endured for 6 season and is coming back for its 7th (even if sans its two leads... somehow I don't think anyone will notice).

Anyway, in spite of the CW's willingness to keep these bad boys coming back year to year, they surely can't last forever (one would hope), so the CW really needs some solid pilots that can anchor the network in coming years. I'm not so sure the new slate looks any better than the old slate, but it certainly looks a lot like the mid-90's... I have it on good authority that the Melrose Place relaunch is a hell of a lot better than the 90210 relaunch, but that's like saying the arsenic has a smoother aftertaste than the hemlock, as far as I'm concerned...

The most promising sounding pilot, The Body Politic (starring Veronica Mars alum Jason Dohring), didn't get picked up for whatever reason and I'm hearing it's the best pilot we'll never see. Word is, it was a lot solid-er than most of the ones that did get the green light, so who knows just what Dawn Ostroff is smoking... Also, for all you Gossip Girls out there who have been hearing about the 80s spin-off that was backdoor piloted in the prom episode, it's looking less and less like anything will come of it. Ostroff insists it's still a possibility for mid-season, but I'm not holding my breath. Honestly, I was pretty underwhelmed by the backdoor pilot, so I'm kind of relieved it won't be airing...

Again, not being as privileged as my favorite TV reporters out there, I'm not privy to the pilots until they actually air, so I'm forced to base my assessments on clips and trailers alone. Fortunately, I'm just judgmental enough to be okay with that.

Anywho, here's what the CW will look like this fall. I'm actually hearing that none of the new shows is as bad as you'd suspect, but that's not exactly a ringing endorsement...

MELROSE PLACE

Oh, kiddies... Here we go again.







My Take: I actually didn't watch too much of the original series, so I'm kind of coming into this a little blind. I've heard from peeps on the web that the full pilot is actually kind of fun, but you know, in a horrible kind of way. Anything with Ashley Simpson pretty much gets a big "NO" in my book to begin with, so I don't have high hopes for this one. It looks like it's embracing the soapiness of the original right off the bat this time around (as opposed to getting progressively soapier), so if you're into that kind of thing, this is clearly the show for you. Already we have a murder mystery, blackmail, hidden pasts, alcoholism, uh, chef schoolery... Okay, so it's still got a ways to go before it's a full on soap operatic mess, but that was a fair showing for three short clips. I'm not exactly giddy for this one... bad acting, bad writing, weirdly off-putting drunk flirting... I'm hoping it's so bad it's awesome, but I'm guessing it'll be so bad it's awful. "She's the one who convinced me I could be a chef..." Oh, my god, this IS tragic! Heh.

THE BEAUTIFUL LIFE

On Wednesdays, America's Next Top Model will be followed-up by The Beautiful Life, a tale of wannabe top models living under one roof. The show includes an ensemble of Mischa Barton (The O.C.'s Marissa "I'm too drunk to stand... or act" Cooper, of course), Corbin Bleu (of High School Musical fame--now there's a pedigree to put in the press release...) and real-life supermodel Elle Macpherson as their modeling agency boss. It's produced by Ashton Kutcher, so you can make of that what you will... Anyways, here goes.





My Take: Oh, Mishca... As far as former O.C.ers are concerned, she's the one I'm least excited to see back in action. She's very one note. One bland, barely conscious note... This whole show looks like a mess. The acting is terrible (from Mischa? Whaaa?! Crazy, right?) and the whole concept is pretty weak. They've clearly tried to make everything seem a lot more important than it really is. I enjoy fashion well enough (lord knows Project Runway takes up more of my time than it should) and I'll admit to watching those crappy modeling competitions (I can't believe Branden won on Make Me a Supermodel--bleckk...), but at the end of the day, none of it really matters. Without some real substance to go with all the glitz, it's just a bunch of skinny girls stomping around and back-biting. Um, yay? Also, as much as I appreciate a good cameo, it's abundantly clear that Zach Posen should keep his day job. His bad acting managed to make everyone else's acting look a little better, but it really made the overall impression pretty awful. I doubt I'll be keeping this one on my schedule, but I'll tune in at first if for no other reason than to see Mischa's ignominious return to television (on a low budget CW disaster no less) after her film career... well, uh, yeah... [crickets] At least she's getting work? Maybe after a season or two she'll opt to get killed off again... For the sake of the show, one can only hope.

VAMPIRE DIARIES

Well, as is probably apparent from the title and governing network alone, this is clearly aimed at the Twilighters out there. I'm hearing it actually has some potential... which means it must be a hell of a lot better than its progenitor... So yeah, in case you've been experiencing an angsty vampire/mortal love story deficiency, search no more!







My Take: As with Twilight, my general opinion is if you're looking for some kick-ass vampire action and an ill-fated vampire/mortal love story, you'd be better off (MUCH better off) with Buffy. Joss Whedon actually knows what the hell he's doing. Stephanie Meyers and whoever is behind this show? Not so much. For what it is, it appears to follow all the rules and conventions accordingly, but I think it's more than a little hackneyed at this point. And once again, what's with the bad acting? Seriously, LA is teeming with young acting hopefuls and the CW ended up with the bottom of the barrel, it seems. To be fair, the acting in this one seems a lot better than in Melrose Place or The Beautiful Life, but that's not saying much... As ever, I'll give it a shot, but the whole concept is pretty woefully derivative and from the clips provided, I don't see that they've reinvented it in any meaningful way. My expectations are low to begin with, but god help me, if they sparkle in the sun, I might just have have a stroke.