Line Item Rants

With the new fall season starting up in a few weeks, I've been taking it easy and haven't been posting very much in the last couple of weeks. Actually, as much as I'd like to think that "taking it easy" is the only reason, it is a distant second to the fact that there just hasn't been a whole lot to write about. There are plenty of shows in the summer these days (good lord, my Sundays are teeming with programs), but with a few exceptions, I've been underwhelmed. Nothing has really warranted its own 15 page post (front and back!), so here are some random thoughts on some random shows (several of which you probably didn't even know that I watch--oooh, the depths of television that I plumb when no one is looking...)

TRUE BLOOD

As mentioned in my recent query to Matt Roush, True Blood has been more entertaining this season than last, but that's not to say it isn't a complete mess at the same time. Don't get me wrong, I'll take just about anything over were-panthers, but the show is so unfocused, so sprawling, so haphazard that even the elements I'm enjoying are kind of driving me nuts lately. The vampires versus witches storyline has been entertaining, but it should be packing far more of a punch than it is. Why is it not hitting as hard as it should, you ask? Well, aside from the writing, which seems hell-bent on only raising the stakes so high as to be easy to manage, but more than anything, there are so many completely unrelated storylines being tossed in that the momentum gets quashed at every turn. We only have a couple of episodes left, so the tension should be blissfully, nail-bitingly unbearable, but at this point? Yep, those witches sure are causing some problems... Sigh. Every time they start to ratchet things up, we cut to some random event in the lives of Sam, Arlene, Tommy, Andy, Jessica, Debbie, and everyone else under the sun (or under the ground while the others are under the sun). I've complained before that the show needed to cut half the characters, but I'm feeling it now more than ever. It seems like every time the writers start to actually focus their attention on the primary story arc, I get hit in the face with 10 minutes of filler storylines that annoy the hell out of me. In and of themselves, I don't hate these characters, but when they're off on random tangents that take me away from the unholy apocalypse that should be drawing everyone's attention, it grates. I still enjoy the show, but it's a total mess. What few storylines it actually keeps an eye on (amid the hundreds) almost always fizzle out in the end or get completely forgotten. For as much as I hated the stupid, disgusting, ridiculous (in a bad way) were-panther crap, I kind of can't believe they just dropped it cold. On a purely selfish level, I'm thrilled that they realized what a colossal failure that was and casually wrote it out of the new season as quickly as possible, from a narrative standpoint, that was the biggest effing waste of time. They spent so much time and energy setting up all these people and their relationship with Jason and now what? Nothing? Hell, that situation only seems to have had the most superficial of effects on Jason, let alone the overall storyline of the show. I would hate for them to pop up in the future, but from a writer's perspective, I can't believe that was a throw-away. That's just one of the many, many storylines that suck, go nowhere, or ultimately mean nothing. From a show that I trusted more, I would know deep down that all the establishing stuff that's going on right now would mean something down the line, but with True Blood? They'll probably forget about all of it as soon as they get bored with it. Arlene's demon baby? Jason's blood-fueled affair with Jessica? Andy's V addiction? Sam in general? Alcide and Debbie's dysfunction? On a more reliable show, I could be assured that these tangential narratives would eventually build to something meaningful to the show as a whole, but here? Who the hell knows. They might just be a complete waste of time. Remember Russel Edgington, who, it was teased, would logically come back this season in some capacity? Sigh.

One the plus side, I'm pretty damn glad Eric is finally back. As much as I enjoyed his doe-eyed acting job, the Sookie-Eric relationship felt incredibly forced. That said, they do have some palpable chemistry, always have, and I kinda have to wonder how Stephen Moyer feels about all this... Probably the same way Bill feels, so, you know, he's working real hard this season. I'm intrigued to see how things play out now that Eric is back, but knowing True Blood, they'll probably drop the ball. This show has a whole lot to work with, but just gets distracted too easily. They need to pare down the cast, pick a central storyline to focus on, and build to a climax that is more central. The show isn't completely without merit, but at this point, I'd give it a C+ average. I get frustrated, but then it comes up with lines like, "I don't care what happens as long as I get to kill shit!" and it's hard to hold a grudge.


THE GLADES

This show has gone from third-tier "nothing else is on" filler to completely unwatchable. The cause? Kiele Sanchez, who, as far as I'm concerned, should be buried alive in real life, not just on Lost. God, she's unbearable. In her defense (just a tad), her unrelenting hate-ability has more than a little to do with the writing. On The Glades, she's just horrendous. It's a show that's clearly written by nothing but men who infuse drama into the show by relying on the irritating fallacy that "women are emotional and crazy" and very little else. Callie's every action, every comment, and every reaction is completely irrational and pissy, almost 100% of the time. That's annoying in and of itself, but when she's been posited as the "will they or won't they" love interest of the series, it's unbearable. Dear Show, NO ONE WANTS THEM TOGETHER. Hell, when Jim's ex showed up on the scene to act as an obstacle to the non-epic romance that is Jim and Callie, I speak for everyone I know who watches the show when I say, "Pick the new girl!!!!" She's gone now, much to my chagrin, but when the central romance on your show is the worst part of your show, you're in trouble. Next week Callie gets held at gunpoint by a patient at the hospital. I don't think I'm alone in hoping he suffers from a severe case of Itchy Trigger Finger. I'll be breaking up with this show after next week if she lives. (Oh, and now she's a "forensic nurse"??? WTF? Not only am I pretty sure that's just a ridiculous, made-up profession, the last thing this show needed was more Callie, so what do they do? Make her a pseudo-cop. Smooth. Real smooth.)


LEVERAGE

You know, it's hard to put this show in this category because, in and of itself, it's as good as it ever was. The real problem is that it was never very good. This is mainly because it has little to no over-arching storyline, the head of the team is practically unwatchable (seriously, anyone but Timothy Hutton would be an improvement), and the capers each week are pretty much exactly the same, only with different names. I'm no big fan of procedurals in general, but this one is driving me crazy these days. It's bad enough that it's the same people doing the same things every week with very little personal or emotional development, but it seems to be getting harder and harder for the writers to think up ways for each member of the team to be useful. Beyond that, what they come up with is getting less and less convincing. Sophie is an actractive woman, don't get me wrong, but she's not the head-turning vixen the show seems to think she is. Hate to break it to you, but relying on her wiles and sex appeal at every turn makes no sense whatsoever. The writing is just plain bad. Jesus, that episode where Hardison gets buried alive (because, you know, it's required to have such an episode at this point in a series) should have been a tour de force, and for Aldis Hodge's performance alone, it was one of the better episodes, but everything beyond him was laughable. The dialogue was cringe-worthily bad at every turn. I kept expecting wacky, mad cap music to cue up as people ran in and out of different doors down a long hallway. Awful. I need to break up with it, I really do, but I enjoy Hardison quite a lot and Parker has her charms. Everyone else can jump off a cliff. Man alive, the last time it went to commercial break with its standard, "You're watching Leverage, on TNT," I keep changing it in my head to, "You're watching Leverage, on TNT, and you don't know why." You're damn straight, mental re-write of standard advertising. As with most of the shows on this list, it could be so good, and yet, it just isn't.


IN PLAIN SIGHT

Okay, so In Plain Sight has already concluded its summer run, but it's still a disappointment. I realize that Mary MacCormack got knocked up in real life (which should be a fire-able offense when you're on this kind of show), but that does NOT mean you should write it into the storyline. Ever. I used to really love this show, but pregnant Mary was an epic fail in every possible regard. In my heart of hearts, I've been carrying a torch for Mary and Marshall to hook up, and her random, ridiculous pregnancy completely ruined their vibe this season. What's worse, there wasn't even the slightest suggestion of terminating the pregnancy as an option. It would be absolutely fine for Mary to be against abortion, and frankly, I think that could be consistent with her character's need to protect others, but then they should mention that. To not even put a throw-away line in there is absurd. A woman of her age, with a high risk, unwanted pregnancy would at least consider it as an option, and even if she didn't, everyone else certainly would. I was actually a little relieved when I heard that the show would be back for another season, but that that would be the final season, if for no other reason than the demoralizing prospect that she might actually keep the baby. She might not abort the baby, but she sure as hell wouldn't keep it, no matter how lazy the writers get. As with so many other ridiculous pregnancies on television, this one ruined the show. Even if you like children, you'd be hard-pressed to argue that it didn't ruin this show and Alias before it. It should be part of their contract that they can't get pregnant if they're on this kind of a show. How I Met Your Mother? No big deal. Action shows? Awful. I'm sorry, but when you're 8 months pregnant, you're not going to be chasing down bad guys... Oh wait, that's her job. And the entire foundation of the show. Seriously, people, this is not rocket science. Is it ridiculous to cover her huge pregnant belly with giant handbags and potted plants? Sure. Is it necessary? YES. Wow, she's a beautiful woman, but she's one of those women who seem to get pregnant with every fiber of their being. She looked unbelievably uncomfortable all season.

My Latest TV Query: True Blood

I realize it's probably old hat to anyone who reads this blog (surely there are a couple of you out there), but I'm a huge fan of Matt Roush's column and get a giddy thrill when he posts my questions.

Well, my most recent inquiry was insanely lengthy and I was sure he wouldn't publish it. In the back of my mind, I thought there might be a chance that he'd post a truncated version, but I wasn't holding my breath. Much to my utter delight and surprise, not only did he post my endless epistle, but he posted it in its entirety. Awh, shucks. :) I love that man. Not too long ago I wrote to him about Modern Family vs. Community, and while my question came off more pointed that I had intended, he took it in stride. I wrote him a bit of a clarification/apology some days later and he responded via email almost immediately. He's a class act all the way.

Anyway, here's my latest inquiry and his response. I honestly didn't mean for it to be so lengthy (seriously, most of the questions are about 4 lines long), but it just kind of happened. Regardless, he included. Because we're tight. ;)

• Question: I just re-read your column on the return of True Blood a few weeks ago and I think you zeroed in on exactly what is most appealing about the show, most notably, the dynamic between Sookie and Eric and the introduction of witches into Bon Temps' supernatural milieu (which seems to be bubbling over like the cauldron I have to believe will be in an upcoming episode). The season is only three episodes in and I must say I'm already more enthralled by witches than I ever was with werewolves. From what I've heard from devotees of the book series, the amnesiac Eric storyline is one of the very best and from what I've seen so far, I can see why. Alexander Skarsgard's performance is hilarious and heartbreaking at the same time, delivered in a surprisingly subtle and effective way. As with previous seasons, the interactions between the human world and the vampires is the true heart of the show for me and is far and away the most captivating aspect. Even Bill, who has long played the lovesick puppy, finally has a storyline that has drawn me in and injected him into the action in a more interesting way.


  
  Bearing that in mind, over the course of last season, I began to realize that not only do I find the vampire/human interaction the most enthralling part of this delectable guilty pleasure, but more and more, this interest is to the exclusion of other storylines on the show. Whereas the first two seasons had a central storyline to tie all the characters together in a cohesive way (a season-long "big bad"), seasons three and four (so far) seem disjointed and sprawling. With so many characters engaged in so many disparate arcs, I find myself losing interest in the periphery. Characters that I once loved and who seemed pivotal to the show now seem inconsequential, and at times, boring. I keep assuming they'll be re-integrated into the meat of the show at some point, but it never seems to come. As I watched the last couple of episodes, I found myself desperate to watch the brewing battle between the witches and vampires, but was instead pulled away by Andy's addiction to V, Jason's were-panther problems, Sam's new shifter social circle, Tara in general, Tommy's induction into the Fortenberry clan, Arlene's demon baby, the reintroduction of werewolves and Jessica and Hoyt's relationship woes. While some of these storylines are working better than others, at the end of the day they all seem so distant from the rest of the action that I'm having a hard time really investing. 

  
  I think the show could learn a few things from The Vampire Diaries. Rather than allowing the cast to swell and the storylines to spiral out of control in every direction, I think True Blood would be well-served by a willingness to kill off characters. It seems ridiculous to accuse True Blood of being gun-shy about killing people, but in terms of the principal cast, there have been surprisingly few deaths and an alarming number of additions. Paring down the cast would make for a more cohesive narrative and it would raise the stakes, so to speak. For all the insanity that happens on this show, I'm never all that worried that someone I love might get killed. One of the most compelling aspects of The Vampire Diaries is that viewers genuinely don't know who might die at a moment's notice. It keeps the cast at a manageable level and keeps the audience on their toes. Do you find yourself losing interest in various aspects/storylines of the show? Does it still have the same bite it once did? Is the best yet to come and I'm just being impatient? — Lacy
  
  
• Matt Roush: I'm enjoying this season much more than last year, and a lot of that has to do with how marvelously Alexander Skarsgard is playing the vulnerable amnesiac Eric. Sunday night's drunk scene was a new high of feisty hilarity, and his hissing match with Alcide in the water was a riot, but then after his sunburn, watching him submit to Sookie's ministrations was awfully touching. Loving it. The witch storyline is fairly strong as well, and the great Fiona Shaw is killing it as Marnie. I agree that the Sam/Tommy subplot dragged down much of last season and feels tacked on again this year — but that's the only part that feels off to me right now. Andy's V addiction, Jason's gory misadventures with the were-panthers in Hotshot, Alcide and Debbie Pelt, Arlene's demon baby (those scenes crack me up, and they're not overdone yet) and anything involving Hoyt and Jessica all feel germane to me as this sprawling cast of characters continues to deal with the supernatural in their midst. As long as the focus stays primarily on Sookie, which the Eric storyline should ensure, I'm at peace with it. You make a good point about Vampire Diaries' ruthlessness when it comes to sacrificing characters and I marvel at the way that show burns through story, but I have to say that True Blood does a better job for me at conveying a milieu, which is to say I believe in Bon Temps and feel transported there in a way I don't where the phonier Mystic Falls is concerned.

Week-In-Review 3.2

Well, kiddies, March is upon us. That's means we're in for a major slump in new programming. February is a sweeps month (hence all the explosions and whatnot), and shows end their seasons in May (yet another sweeps month), so March is the wayward middle child who gets no attention. Quite frankly, it it weren't for cable, I'd be in sorry shape right now. Anyway, there may be some slim pickins in the weeks to come, but here's what struck me this week.

Saddest Kiss: Being Human (UK)
This show has the most amazing ability to balance the utterly hilarious and the completely heart-breaking. It never does anything in the straight-forward way that you’d except and always keeps you on your toes. Having alluding to an Annie/Mitchell hook-up in previous episodes, viewers knew something was coming, but I don’t think any of us expected the long-awaited kiss to come in such a devastating way. Poor Mitchell. Guy just can’t catch a break. Honestly, you slaughter a few people on a train and everything just falls apart.

Mediocre-est New Show: Breakout Kings
I neither liked nor disliked this show enough to write a full post about it. Plus, with it airing on A&E, I’m probably the only one who saw it anyways. It’s essentially the Mod Squad, but with the US Marshals holding the reins and the convicts only allowed out of prison for each case. It’s a concept that’s been done a million times because it’s usually pretty successful. With Breakout Kings, I think we have an unfortunate case of “Lots of potential, failed execution.” It wasn’t a total disaster, but if I had to sum the pilot up in two words or less, I’d go with “seriously flawed.” Those were actually the first words out of my mouth as the pilot drew to a close. The real problem with the show is that the writers seemed to be having a hell of a time coming up with things for the convicts to do. It really shouldn’t be that hard to find awesome uses for their criminal talents, but the pilot basically had one guy pick a lock, the token hot chick hit on a guy to steal his cell phone (I got the disconcerting feeling that the writers seriously didn’t know what to do with her character) and get free breakfast, and the ever-present socially-awkward genius on these shows (he’s basically Dr. Reid) determined that a girl was telling the truth. Um, yay? For a concept like this, I was surprisingly bored. The Dr. Reid of the show is the real star and was the only character that I actually invested in. He’s played by Jimmi Simpson (who played Mary in the Mr. Yang episodes of Psych) and he’s the only actor who really brought anything special to the table. I don’t think he’ll be able to make up for the rest of the cast, but he made it worth it for me to give the show one more week. Theoretically, this show should be exciting and awesome, so maybe there’s still a chance. After only the pilot, however, I’m very tempted to just stick with White Collar for all my cop/criminal alliance needs. I’d give the Breakout Kings pilot a C-.

Most Heavy-Handed, yet Ambiguous Metaphor: Soda Destruction on Shameless
So… as a card-carrying English major, I’ve been trained to look beneath the surface, but not always with successful or pleasant results. At first glance, a vigorous sex scene between Karen and Lip intercut with a scene of Carl tossing a 2-liter bottle of soda off a ledge and exploding on impact (“Shatter-proof, my ass…”) seemed mildly incongruous. After about a second and a half of thinking however, I can’t decide if the exploding soda was a metaphor for sexual climax or it goes beyond that and points to a condom breaking (in which case, an unfortunate pregnancy storyline will likely be forthcoming). I’m hoping for the former, but I have a sinking feeling it’s the latter.

Most Devastating Reunion: Mama Gallagher on Shameless
This show was little hit or miss at the beginning, but in recent episodes it seems to have really hit its stride. Sunday’s outing was excellent in general, but really became a force to be reckoned with in its final scenes. I’d been wondering whatever happened to their mother (Monica) since day one, and now we know. Turns out, Frank was the better parental option. Ouch. To have their mother desert them in the first place must have been devastating, but to have her return intent on taking the younger children? That’s just unbearably cruel. Especially for Fiona, who was forced to step in and be the mother for the past two years. Man alive, seeing Carl and Debbie hug Monica after she asks to be their mother again was like a punch in the face. It’s understandable that 9 and 10 year old kids would be able to look past the desertion in the interest of getting mommy back, but that doesn’t take away the sting. This show does a wonderful job of exploring how different a family dynamic is for younger and older children and it always shows on the faces of the older kids just how screwed up things really are.

Best Reason to Reunite with an Ex: House
I broke up with this show at the beginning of this season, but, upon hearing about Monday’s episode, decided to tune in. A singing, dancing, piano-playing House? Um, yes please. Aside from the boring-as-ever random patient of the week, it was a wonderful episode that managed to take an unbelievably tired routine and make it something special. Asking Mia Micheals to choreograph was the first step in the right direction. The other genre nods were entertaining and all, but the warped Busby Berkeley number was tremendous.

Soundest Termination: Charlie Sheen
Um, WINNING. (That would be society.)

Most Ridiculous Deluge of New Pilots: Click HERE for a list of all the newest pilots and the array of talent attached to them. Please bear in mind that a pilot being filmed does not mean that a show will necessarily show up on your TV anytime soon (or ever, in a lot of cases). From what I’ve read, there may be a few winners this coming fall, but by and large, it’s more of the same shit.

Most Disconcerting Tease: True Blood promo for season 4
Well, Eric has apparently lost his memory… which, at a thousand years old, is quite a lot to lose. I’m not sure how I feel about this. Eric is the primary reason I watch the show, so if Eric isn’t Eric, does it make a sound? You know what I mean.

Best Attempt at a Return to Form: Glee
So, after over a month of nothing but lackluster, disappointing episodes courtesy of Ian Brennan and Ryan Murphy, we finally got a Brad Falchuk episode to ease the pain. It wasn’t one of his best episodes, but even his worst attempts are generally better than his fellow writers. What’s this? Emotional resonance and character development?! Huzah! I could live without the PSAs though, I have to say. Dear Glee, Let the action speak louder than words. If the narrative is strong enough, you don’t need to have your characters say exactly how you feel about an issue. Sheesh. I keep expect that “The more you know” star to shoot across the screen.

Gag that Would Have Been a Whole Lot Awesomer if Arrested Development Hadn’t Done it First (and Better): Glee’s rendition of Afternoon Delight
It was still pretty funny, but it mostly just made me pine for the good old days. Indeed, the discussion of Arrested Development’s version with the fam made me miss half the Glee edition.

Best Game Changer: The White Collar season finale… with Neal’s storage unit of fun.

Best Performance: Michael Cudlitz for the season finale of Southland
To be fair, it was hard to pick just one actor who stood out (the cast on that show is amazing), but I think Cudlitz takes the cake (or the vicodin, as it were). “I’m a cop,” he notes upon checking into rehab for substance abuse… Understated, yet heartbreaking, as always. Well done.

Most Obviously Political Decision: Carla is sent packing on Top Chef, not Antonia
Based on their dishes and the judges initial perceptions of those dishes, Antonia should have gone home. Her dish was poorly conceived and poorly executed. Carla’s dish at least had a promising idea behind it. But, Antonia has been a shining star lately, and is a favorite to win, so the judges and producers of the show gave her a pass. Don’t get me wrong, of the four finalists (who happen to be some of the least-likely All Stars to make it this far), she’s really the only one who can really challenge Richard Blais. He’s really the only finalist that I really thought would be a finalist. I’ve been pulling for his since day one, but he’s been revealed to be kind of a dick in these past few episodes, so now I don’t really care who wins. So long as it’s anyone but Mike Isabella, I’m happy.

Toughest Love: Mags Bennett on Justified
Wow… This show has a slower, more deliberate pace than most which lulls you into a comfort zone just in time for moments of absolute horror. The smooth Kentucky feel actually makes the terror more effective because you just never know when a quiet conversation over Apple Pie Moonshine might turn into a murder. Most recently, Mags’ brand of justice reared its ugly head on Coover’s hand… with a hammer. Yi-hikes.

Most Refreshing Dismissal of Protocol in the Face of a Disastrous Showing: Face Off
This show usually allows the challenge winner to recommend someone to go home to the judges, but after Megan’s spectacular failure in the disguise challenge (she basically just gave herself a spray-tan and a wig—my god! It’s like she’s disappeared!), the judges thankfully dismissed with the formality and just sent her packing immediately. Look, Megan, I realize your facial prosthetics weren't working (what with your total lack of skill and all), but it would have been more admirable to have presented sub-par prosthetics than to have given up completely. Ridiculous. And the judges knew it. No need for a recommendation, no need for discussion or deliberation, she was the clear loser and everyone knew it. Way to not waste my time, show. Much appreciated. Had you sent her home three weeks ago like she deserved, I’d have been even more impressed, but this works too.

Best Reason to Rewatch Season 2 of True Blood: The only new show that evening is Bones
Yep, I had a brand new episode just sitting there on the DVR, yet I opted to rewatch True Blood instead. The only reason I recorded it in the first place was because of the total lack of anything else, but even that wasn’t enough incentive.

Clearest Indiacation that Someone at Jeopardy is a Batman Fan: The two competitors challenging returning champion Mike were named Harley and Quinn
You have no idea how much this made my day. There's no way that was a coincidence. Those just aren't common enough names. They were even standing in the right order with Harley in the middle and Quinn on the far right. Harley Quinn! Ha! I love it!

**Quotes of the Week**

Library Aide: “I’ve got a signed first edition of Harry Potter.”
Debbie: “Overrated. Made a better movie than a book. And now with all those kid actors grown up, they’re scarier-looking than the villains.”
--Debbie, on Shameless. I assume she was mainly talking about Ron… (Boy, I’m not generally fond of kids on shows, but little 10-year-old Debbie is fantastic.)

“I thought we were supposed to be the scary ones!”
--George, Being Human (UK). No, George, I’m afraid you’re just adorable. Well, most of the time…

“It wasn't always known as White Collar. The series was pitched as Commuted, with the tagline: ‘He ended his sentence with a proposition.’”
--Oh dear lord, that’s fabulous! I don’t love the title Commuted in and of itself, but that tagline cracks me up. The English major within is very, very happy.

Neal: “I haven’t lied to you, Peter. I’m not lying to you now. I didn’t steal the art.”
Peter: “I think you did.”
Neal: “Then prove it. Prove it.”
--Oooh, next season of White Collar is going to be insane, people. Ahhhh!

“Love these ‘Thousands Of Fish Die’ stories. They raise a lot more excitement than our ‘Thousands Of Sudanese Die’ stories.”
--via twitter, courtesy of BrookeAlvarez from The Onion News Network. Gotta love The Onion.

“You’re like the hillbilly whisperer, Raylan.”
--Art noting Raylan’s way with hicks on Justified.

Week-In-Review 3.1

Sorry this sucker is a little late in coming. I was dying on Friday and just didn't make it. I still feel pretty crappy today, but there doesn't seem to be any way around that...

Most Sobering Look at the Other Half: Fiona isn’t familiar with Word on Shameless
I couldn’t decide it if was incredibly sad or if I was incredibly jealous… Fiona is 21, so it was peculiar enough that she needed to take a class on how to use PowerPoint (“I don’t know what PowerPoint is, but I’m sure you’ll be great at it.”), but it was genuinely heartbreaking to see her so completely out of her depth with even the basics. As the instructor is asking those lame introductory questions, requesting a raise of hands regarding, “Who’s familiar with Microsoft? Microsoft Word? And Excel?” all the hands automatically go up… except for Fiona’s. On the one hand, the thought of never having used these programs felt like some fantabulous and unfathomable fantasy world that I could never be a part of, but on the other, it was pretty scary to think of how utterly crippling it would be to not know how to use a computer. To be so out of your depth is always discouraging, but to know that your only other option is working at a Hooter’s-esque sports bar? That’s unbelievably sad. It’s so completely foreign to me that anyone in this day and age would be unfamiliar with basic computing skills, but for these brutally poor kids who grew up on the wrong side of the tracks? I’m afraid it’s probably all too common a phenomenon.

Best Eyebrow Raiser: Steve isn’t really Steve on Shameless
I’ve always like Steve quite a lot, but now I kinda love him. From the beginning, it was pretty clear that there was more to Steve than meets the eye. As it awesomely turns out, that something more is a different identity entirely. One of the uppercrusty secret life players was apparently a brother, so I can’t imagine this is a long con, and have to assume that he really is a rich kid named Jimmy deep down. The Candace angle is a bit murkier, however… I’m not sure where she factors in or if she really is part of a long con… or who she really is, for that matter. For the first time since the show started, I kinda can’t wait to see what happens next week.

Clearest Indication That We’re Losing the War on Terror: Castle
Apparently a gigantic dirty bomb threatening the citizens of the largest city in the country only worries the national government to the point of sending one guy to save the day. Geez, it’s a good thing the NYPD has a goofy mystery writer on staff or we’d all be dead.

Most Interesting Racial Tidbit: Adrian Pasdar is half-Iranian
Given that his character on Castle was an FBI bigwig who happily engaged in racial profiling in his search for potential Middle Eastern terrorists, I thought the fact that he has Iranian heritage was kind of interesting. I’m not sure how or why I already knew that, but it made the casting choice all the more intriguing—especially given that it turned out that the bombers in the episode were homegrown ex-military men without a shred of Middle Eastern descent.

Least Believable Love Interest: Nora on HIMYM
Look, show, I realize you’re trying to give Barney some layers here, and I appreciate that, but for someone like Barney to really fall for a woman, she really need to have more going for her than Nora does. Barney has been with untold numbers of beautiful women, so to get audiences to believe that he’s really fallen in love, maybe you should have given his love interest more than just beauty. She’s bland as hell and I ain’t buyin’ it. Barney falling for Robin, while ultimately unfortunate, at least made sense. This just seems lazy.

Most Ridiculous Prudery: Face Off
For those of you unaware, this is a movie make-up competition show on Syfy that’s surprisingly entertaining… and fairly prudish, as it were. In a recent challenge, they had to swap the genders of engaged couples. Well, in making one of the fellas into a woman, one of the team created a silicone chest piece in order to give the man breasts. Apparently the detached, unpainted, vaguely breast-like structures pulled out of the mold were just too risqué for basic cable, because they literally blurred the area where nipples would eventually go. Seriously!? Seriously. I’m starting to think that someone is doing that as a joke. Surely it’s a joke, right???

Character Most in Need of a Sandwich: Sarah on White Collar
Holy hell, I’ve never been a fan of Hilarie Burton in general (acting, the total lack of chemistry with Neal, etc), but I’m realizing just how difficult she is to look at in certain outfits. I’m all for being thin, but her shoulders are disgusting. You can see every joint and bone and sinew. Sure, everyone enjoys having a better understanding of a ball-and-socket joint, but this is going too far. Ew.

Least Believable Love Scene: Speaking of Sarah on White Collar
Ugh. When I saw that Alex was going to be in this last episode (I saw the actress’ name in the opening credits), I was hopeful that the writers wouldn’t actually take the Neal/Sarah whateverness in the direction I had feared. It was only a little hope (I’m realistic here), but it was something. Now, what with Neal’s and Sarah’s awkward and unconvincing romp in the hall of records (sexy!), I’m trying to force myself to accept the fact that Sarah really is going to be a series regular next year and that the writers are insistent on pairing her up with Neal. UGH. Aside from my inherent biases against Hilarie Burton as an actress, there is absolutely no heat between Sarah and Neal no matter what your perspective is. Seriously, there are a few Hilarie fans out there (I assume), but I’m guessing even they weren’t convinced. So unfortunate. So forced. So awkward. On the other side of the coin, even Neal’s random conversations with Alex are sexy as hell. They don’t even have to touch for there to be heat. Neal and Sarah can tear each other’s clothes off and can’t even come close. I don’t want to have to stop watching the show, but I hate this storyline. A lot.

Most Shameful Product Placement: White Collar
The only thing I hate more than a bad storyline is a bad product placement. Sometimes a shameless product placement is funny or necessary (these shows have to pay the bills somehow, right?), but with White Collar, is just seems sad and desperate and painfully obvious. Dear Ford (I think), I am in no way more inclined to purchase your product now that Peter has shown me all the ridiculous features that I don’t need. Burn Notice manages to integrate cars and whatnot with ease, finding completely logical reasons for the characters to use the features of said products without shoving it in your face. White Collar? Not so much. Fail.

Awesomest Quintuple-Cross: The Good Wife
One the of best parts of this show is that it keeps viewers on their toes. I was honestly unsure if that one guy was actually double-crossing them or not. As the episode wore one, I started figuring out that he was actually double-crossing Bond, but with this show, you can never be sure, even right up till the last minute. Who knows, he could have been telling Will and Diane that he would screw Bond over, but until the vote was had, he could have gone either way. Phew! Amazing.

Best Kiss: Cary and Kalinda on The Good Wife
I did not see that coming! Honestly, as the scene progressed, I found myself hoping Cary would kiss her (as is so often the hope when these two are onscreen together), but it usually never happens! It totally makes sense that in Kalinda’s Rules of the Universe, giving someone a change-of-address notification is tantamount to a declaration of love, so I guess Cary felt like he had the green light. Wowzers, it was just a simple little kiss, almost a peck, but it was utterly squee-worthy. Seriously, there was more sizzle in Cary and Kalinda’s lip lock than in Sarah and Neal’s near-nudity.

Best Summation of the Profession of “English Teacher” in a Nutshell: Parenthood
I’ve been trying to give Parenthood a second chance, but after last week’s episode (in which the characters basically screamed at each other for an hour solid), I wasn’t too confident. But, I had heard that Jason Ritter would be back, so I tuned in. It was actually a pretty enjoyable episode and involved only minimal fast-forwarding. The best part though was Lorelai’s summation of Ritter’s essential function as an English teacher. When giving a critique of someone’s writing, it pretty much boils down to 1) give 2 or 3 vaguely positive comments to make the person feel good about him/herself, 2) then move on to several super-specific criticisms that make the writer question his/her will to live. Yup, that about sums it up.

Smallest World: Mike and Antonia on Top Chef
Yeah, so, after an entire season of them annoying each other like a couple of quarreling siblings, it turns out, the two of them are actually related. In one of the show’s more creative and interesting challenges of late, the cheftestants got a peak at their genealogy only to find that if you go back a few generations, Mike and Antonia have a lot more in common than just cooking. Ha!

Cruelest Trick: Top Chef
Okay, it’s one thing to tease some random contestant with, “Please pack your knives… because you’re advancing to the finals!” but to do that to Richard “I might just have a heart attack right here in the stew room” Blaise? That’s just mean. Poor guy looks like he was going to collapse… then punch Padma right in the face.

Most Perplexing Crush: I seem to have developed an odd fascination with Tim Gutterson on Justified…
I don’t know what it is or where it came from, but here we are. I find myself inexplicably captivated.

Most Interesting Collision of Two Shows: Ian Somerhalder auditioned for True Blood
I think somewhere in the back of my brain I knew this already, but I seem to have forgotten because it came as a surprise. In spite of Ian’s current vampire gig as Damon on The Vampire Diaries, he actually auditioned to play Jason Stackhouse on True Blood. As awesome as I think he would have been in that role, I think vampirism suits him better.

**Quotes of the Week**

“George, you’re chitchatting—with a gimp.”
--Nina, Being Human (UK). I was only intermittently fond of Nina in season 1, but in season 2 she’s become completely awesome (and funny as hell to boot).

“The Oscars are this Sunday and I think it’s Charlie Sheen’s year. He might make it into the In Memoriam montage.”
--The Soup. Alas, he didn’t make it. No worries, Charlie, you're a shoe-in for next year!

“In book news, Jesse James has signed a book deal with Simon & Schuster to write his memoirs, American Outlaw. Oh, I see, he’s calling it Jesse James: American Outlaw so people will associate it with the murderous bank robber… and not that guy everyone hates.”
--The Soup, regarding Sandra Bullock’s winner of an ex-husband.

"contrary to the rumors, i am not replacing charlie sheen on two and half men. however, martin sheen has asked me to be his son"
—John Stamos via twitter

“The feeling of being hurried is not usually the result of living a full life and having no time. It is on the contrary born of a vague fear that we are wasting our life. When we do not do the one thing we ought to do, we have no time for anything else -- we are the busiest people in the world.”
--Eric Hoffer, philosopher and author (1902-1983). This came with my word-a-day email. In this respect, my calendar actually is pretty damn full.

“Bat shit must be offended by all the Charlie Sheen comparisons.”
--via twitter, courtesy of Schindizzle

“Salt, meet wound. RT @thetvaddict: If #VeronicaMars was still on, its 2.5 million viewers would make it one of The CW's top rated shows!”
-- TVWithoutPity via twitter. Good god that’s depressing (for VM fans, sure, but I think it’s an even tougher pill to swallow for the network, er, “network”).

“You belong in the trophy case of sons of bitches.”
--Glenn Childs, expressing what fans of The Good Wife have thought about Peter Florrick since day one.

Alicia: “I don’t think I even have your old address.”
Kalinda: “Well, now you have my new one.”
Alicia: [mock sentimentality] “I feel like we’ve grown closer together.”
Kalinda: “Okay, give it back.”
Alicia: “Oh, no no no no. This is going in my copy of Eat Pray Love.”
--The Good Wife

Tim: “At least you got to shoot your father. Mine had the nerve to die before I got back from basic with skills and a loaded weapon.”
Raylan: “You didn’t miss much. I thought it was going to be way more fun than it was.”
--Justified. Apparently crappy fathers are required for employment with the US Marshals. That, or shitty fathers are even more common than I thought.

“If you don’t use them then all our money just goes to charity!”
--Noooooooo! Phil on Modern Family regarding some gift certificates they purchased for some sort of charity. Whatever that charity may be, it ain’t gettin’ my money for nothin’!

Good to the last drop...

Because I simply don't have enough television to watch, I recently started watching season 1 of True Blood on DVD (thanks, Kate!). I had heard from scads of people that it was excellent, but I was still a little afraid that I'd be all vamped out. Much to my delight, I needn't have worried. While True Blood has a lot of the same elements as other vampire fiction of late, it has a much more interesting, uncommon approach to the situation which manages to take a suddenly very popular construct and make it fresh and original.

While most of the vampire books, movies, and TV shows out there show vampires living in hiding and terrorizing humanity in secretive and mysterious ways, True Blood takes everything we know about vampires and instead makes them just another misunderstood minority group that's pushing for political rights and societal equality. True Blood operates in a world where synthetic blood has been developed to such a degree that vampires can live off of it alone. Without the need to drain actual people anymore, some members of the vamp community feel that they should be recognized as ordinary citizens who can live in society as any other group might.

It's a very clever way to present a story about vampires and allows for fantasy elements that are interlaced with biting social commentary (heh--"biting," get it?). The right wing and the religious nuts tow the usual party line and refuse to recognize this new minority group just as they do with certain religions, the gay community, certain racial minorities, leftists, socialists, hell, even environmentalists and scientists. The vamps are often discriminated against, largely born of fear (which is so often the case). The fact that the show is set in the deep south adds even more layers of complexity as it's an area with a long history of discrimination and prejudice. So, while we have pretty much your standard vampires (can't go out in the sun, DON'T sparkle (Twilight has an open invitation to bite me), need permission to enter a residence, mind tricks, etc.) the dynamics between the vamps, the humans, and everything else are much more unique and engaging than your typical vampire farce. The social, moral, and political atmosphere kind of reminded me of certain X-Men storylines. As much fun as it is having secret groups and clandestine objectives and whatnot, having it all out in the open takes things in a lot of new directions and has consequences that are unexpected. Alan Ball (writer and showrunner) and the original author of the True Blood novels have approached the supernatural in the most pragmatic and bald-faced of ways and totally managed to make it work.

Although these vampires exist in the real world and have "come out of the coffin," as it were, they certainly haven't been defanged. The show is dark and coarse and gritty and ribald, taking a barrelful of conceits and motifs and blending them together in an incredibly tantalizing way. The story centers around Sookie Stackhouse, a human with the ability to read minds (human minds, that is) and her new infatuation with Bill, the town's first vampire. While most of the town is wary of the newcomer, Sookie sees him as quite a novelty and a kindred freak. Their burgeoning relationship could have been your typical mortal/immortal tug-of-war, but with True Blood it comes across in a very different and quirky way. This show isn't for everyone, believe me (it's not PG in any sense of the word--you've been warned), but I think it would hold appeal for a lot of people who never dreamed they'd watch such a show. The show is well-paced, even, and surprisingly stable, given all the crazy that happens from scene to scene. The more serious elements are blended with a delightful dark humor that keeps the show from getting bogged down, the tawdry elements are cut with real emotion, the show contrasts the oldest vampire conceptions with a modern, meta context, and sets the preternatural within a context of down-to-earth reality that manages to keep even the craziest of elements grounded. It's a difficult and delicate balance to maintain, but so far, they've succeeded with flying colors.

Add to all the enthralling elements it has going for it so far an incredible knack for ending each episode on a cliffhanger and you've got a marathon just waiting to happen. I only started watching the series late last night and somehow ended up watching till the wee hours of the morning... I'm rather delighted with True Blood, so if you've been sitting on the fence trying to decide if you should give it a shot, rest assured it lives up to the hype. It's a hell of a lot of fun and has me completely sucked in (I'm sorry, but it's a post about a vampire show, people, I couldn't not use a pun like that--I could have said it was "bloody good," but I restrained myself). I certainly wouldn't recommend this one to everyone (it has more objectionable material than Dexter, if you'd like to use that as a measure), but I'd definitely recommend it in general.

Quite frankly, just the way Bill says "Sookie" so that it rhymes with "cookie" is enough to have me coming back for more...