All Vampired Out

Tapping into the vampiric pop culture zeitgeist of the past few years, the CW unveiled it's latest new series in hopes of capitalizing on the trend. And, although The Vampire Diaries was better than expected (what with the bar being shockingly low and all), its debut arrived to this party pretty late and I think I might be a little vamped out... Apparently I'm the only one though, because the pilot premiered to record ratings for the CW. It was infinitely better than Melrose Place, however, so it's nice to see it trounce such inferior network compatriots (Melrose premiered to fairly disappointing ratings--particularly for a series premiere. Heh--take that, Ashlee Simpson. And no, I don't know exactly where the hostility comes from, but it's there... oooh, is it there.)

I began watching the pilot with a sizable helping of blasé toward the surfeit of vampire-based media that's currently on the market, but it turned out better than expected. Sure, the first three quarters of the pilot were rife with all the angsty teen stereotypes you'd expect and all the brooding vampire clichés that have proven so pervasive to the genre, but then Ian Somerhalder showed up. What I was ready and willing to write off as just another hackneyed, so-so pilot suddenly got a hell of a lot more interesting. I wouldn't say he turned the pilot to gold or anything (there's only so much alchemy one actor can perform), but he did manage to catch my attention and was just enough to commit me to a few more episodes.

In much the same vein (no pun intended) as Twilight, The Vampire Diaries follows a melancholic teenage girl as she falls for the mysterious vampire in town. The books that inspired The Vampire Diaries actually came out well before Twilight (or True Blood, for that matter) so to call it derivative wouldn't be exactly accurate, but it's an unavoidable notion. To The Vampire Diaries' credit, I could tell is was better than Twilight within minutes, although that's not saying much. (AND, with the CW holding the cards instead of Stephanie Meyer, these crazy kids might just get some sexy time before, you know... they get married at the age of 18... Ugh.) (Quick sidenote on Twilight: I got together with some friends to mock the movie as a team and while I wasn't surprised at its craptacularity, I was a bit surprised at just how BORING it was. I mean, the books were poorly conceived and even more poorly written, but they at least held my attention for more than five minutes at a time. Maybe it was Kristen Stewart's soporific acting, maybe it was the poor casting choices all around, maybe it was Stephanie Meyer's self-indulgent (and beyond tacky) cameo, maybe it was everything, but I barely made it through that turkey awake. And I am not the kind of person who falls asleep during movies. (Annie has already cornered the market in that regard, so who am I to steal her thunder?)) Back to the point, The Vampire Diaries appears to be better than Twilight in every incarnation, so it's a shame that the TV series was developed after the fact. Although, it probably wouldn't have been developed in the first place if Twilight hadn't proliferated, so The Vampire Diaries owes it a debt and a grudge all at once. So, in deference to The Vampire Diaries, I'll try to keep the comparisons to a minimum from here on out, but it ain't gonna be easy...

The show centers around Elena, a small town girl who has lost both of her parents and now lives with her little brother and aunt (whom Elena very informatively calls "Aunt" every time she talks to her--thanks, Exposition Fairy!). Trying to get her life back on track, she finds herself alienated from her friends and family and is instantly drawn to the new guy in town, a vampire named... what was his name? Holy hell, I remember that the last name was "Salvatore," (because that's important) but the first name is totally gone... Umm... Stephan! It was Stephan. (I pretend it just came to me, but no, I had to check IMDb.) Like I said, things don't get interesting till Ian Somerhalder's character Damon shows up, so I was only mostly paying attention until then. Anyway, the structural conceit of the show (which I assume was born of the novels) is that Elena and Stephan both poor their hearts into their diaries and wax poetic (cheesy teen poetic) about life and death and whatever. While it made for a fairly straightforward structure to the episode, I've grown sick of voice overs. They can be awesome and rather necessary to a series, but lately, ever show on the block has some would-be philosophizer narrating a bunch of crap that the audience is currently watching on screen. It takes all the subtlety out of a performance and generally assumes the audience is too stupid to pick up on things. It wasn't unbearable in The Vampire Diaries, and I acknowledge that it's the basis for the show, but I have to assume it worked better in the books than it does on screen.

In a refreshing turn after suffering through Twilight's ridiculous mythology, the rules applied to vampires and their behavior in The Vampire Diaries is largely traditional. While Stephanie Meyer threw the entire book out the window when creating her sparkly universe, here we have the same modern context, but all the old rules still apply. These vampires must be invited into a residence before entering (one of the best and most interesting restrictions), they can fly, they're followed around by crows/ravens, they totally butcher people (even reformed Stephan slips up now and again), and they can't go out in the sun (at least not without their magical rings in tow). Okay, that last bit sounds lame, but I come from the school of Buffy and Angel, so I just assume their rings are akin to the Gem of Amarra and am willing to let it go. It was much less tacky than it sounds, I promise. In less conventional fare, they also seem to control the fog (apparently there was a half-price sale on smoke machines or something) and have Jedi mind tricks. With all the traditional aspects in place, I was willing to be forgiving for taking liberties elsewhere. The reason that this is important is that it gives weight and gravity to character decisions and actions. In the Twilight universe, vampires are basically indestructible. As with Superman, that makes for fairly boring confrontations and inconsequential decisions. I much prefer limits and restrictions on abilities and behaviors. It makes the writers try a whole lot harder and makes the characters a lot more interesting when they have to work around their own limitations. In that sense, kudos, show.

Anyway, the show ambled along in typical teenage fashion for the better part of the pilot. The actors were alright and they did a pretty good job, but no one really stood out (for good reasons or bad--except for Somerhalder). The pilot was based pretty directly on the books (or so I've heard) and follows a fairly well-thought-out, though predictable storyline. The actress playing Elena does a decent enough job, but the vulnerable ingénue gig is seriously overdone these days, so she got on my nerves a bit by association. She didn't seem totally useless or completely ditzy though, so I think the writers could make something out of her. Stephan is equally middle-of-the-road, but I must say his Cro-Magnon brow brought back some Angelic memories for me. The supporting cast supports suitably, and the acting for the most part was competent, if not all that engaging. They were likable, however, and I could see where there might grow on me over time. The directing didn't strike me as anything terribly innovative, but the production value is solid and the setting and effects held up against the industry standard at the moment. With that kind of "meh" flying around, I was fairly ready to call it a day, but then Ian Somerhalder (who played Boone Carlyle on Lost) showed up and I was happily forced to pay attention.

Not that it comes as any great surprise that he made for the best part of the pilot, but he somehow managed to bring something fresh to an old routine. Aside from being decidedly easy to look at, he bucked the trend of mopey, brooding, humorless vampires and instead imbued the role with impish zeal and mirth. In a manner that smacked of Spike (circa Buffy season 2), Somerhalder's character Damon was lively and menacing in a delightful "I'm going to screw with your head just because I can" kind of way. He seems to take quite a lot of pleasure in pestering Stephan (who is apparently his little brother--nice) and shows up with little more agenda than to have fun raising hell. It was a nice change of pace and is the primary reason I'll be giving the show a few more weeks to really suck me in (again, pun-avoidance just isn't easy when it comes to this subject matter, so bear with me). I don't know what all he has planned, but he piqued my interest just enough to want to find out.

Clearly The Vampire Diaries isn't going to be a dramatic tour de force and it certainly can't hold a candle to forerunners like Buffy and Angel, but the pilot was watchable, if not all that original. I could see where this show could find its way into "guilty pleasure" territory and in spite of my jaded feelings toward vampires at the moment, this seems to be a pretty guilty romp that has some commitment potential (although the pilot in and of itself did little to sell me on more than an episode to episode trial run). I don't think it'll ever break into the top tier or anything, but with Somerhalder on board, I'm invested enough to give it a shot.

Pilot Grade:
without Somerhalder? D
with Somerhalder? C-

Self-Preservational Instincts...

When I started the Twilight series (I refuse to call it a "saga" no matter how important or profound Stephenie Meyer seems to think she is (oh, and it was pointed out to me the other day that I've been spelling her first name wrong, and confoundingly, spelling it correctly, all at once)), I was in no way certain I would actually finish it. From what I'm hearing, Breaking Dawn has unleashed an unendurable level of craptacularity on an unsuspecting public, and as such, I have opted not to read it.

After hearing the vague gist of where the novel leads, I have no interest in finishing the series. Everyone I know who has read it (or even those who are still in the middle of it) are completely pissed and have nothing but horrible things to say about it (and these were people who fully enjoyed the previous novels). I wasn't impressed with the first three, so I can only imagine how god-awful this final volume would be for me. Wow.

Henceforth, and amid several requests that I proceed otherwise, I will not be reading or reviewing Breaking Dawn. I just don't think I could stand it. Although, given my commitment to kicking the bucket before I'm 30, this sucktastic tome might just be what I need to finish myself off... I'll keep that in mind for the week prior to my 30th birthday (you know, in case my "get hit by a bus" plan doesn't pan out). It's always good to have a contingency plan. Although I can think of few means of death that would be more drawn out or painful... I'll just go ahead and put "reading Breaking Dawn" on my top ten list of death methods right between #4: Eaten alive by fire ants, and what will now be #6: Being impaled on a parking meter. I think that's exactly where it will fit...

Anyway, if you're still unsure about starting the novel, I'm going to advise you against it. From what I hear, it's not only gagtastic in and of itself, but it totally ruins the rest of the series retroactively. Hmmm... I'd rather not.

The Young and the Restless... and the Overprotective, the Annoying, and the Brutally Comcastic...

Another cheesy vampire novel read and another nausea-inducing bout of awkwarditity complete--all in one fell swoop (or as some guy I used to know would say, "one swell foop..." I now I have to think about every time to make sure I put the right thing... Thanks a lot, random dude...). I finished up Eclipse the other day and I just don't know that I have the intestinal fortitude for another volume... And, given the soap operatic ending this little gem had to offer, I have to assume Breaking Dawn is going to include, but not limited to, the following: amnesia, evil twins, sultry affairs (that somehow involve no sex whatsoever in Meyer's universe), long-lost fathers, quadruplets with who-knows-how-many different fathers, and at least one guy wearing an eye patch. But before all of that oy-veyishness is unleashed on Saturday (yes, I'm admitting right now that I know when the next one comes out, so stop giving me that hoity toity "So you ARE a fan!" smirk), I'd best get Eclipse out of my system (and it just might take some broad-spectrum anti-biotics... I mean, yikes). Annnd, I just checked the preview of this post and it's insanely long... I don't actually expect anyone to finish... Wow.

The book starts out with Bella being grounded (a term I'm only familiar with in theory... (re-cy-cle?)). Okay, right off the bat, I just have to know: Is Bella's experience with her parents what most people experience? Because I tell ya what, wow/oy/yikes/blah/where's a gun when you need one?! The first couple chapters focus on Bella being grounded, under a strict curfew, and only allowed to see Edward for scheduled amounts of time. Charlie is basically dictating what she does, when she does it, and with whom, treating her more like livestock than an actual person. If that's what having parents is really like, I seriously lucked out. Good night, no wonder people hate their parents and want to move away from home as soon as possible! Does crap like being grounded actually work? I can't help but think it would do little more than piss kids off and compel them to be even worse--not better. Charlie, this little diatribe is aimed at you, Controlio di Overprotectivemuch? You know you're in trouble when your nickname is a question... And apparently Charlie is Italian all of a sudden (from the charming hilltop town of "Overprotectivemuch?" I hear it's lovely this time of year--well fortified)... (If Bella and Edward couldn't escape my monikers, then lame-ass, crappy parent Charlie certainly isn't going to get off the hook.)

Anyway, having never been so much as sent to my room before, I found Charlie's actions completely ludicrous, utterly insulting, and, I would have thought, completely ineffective. She's 18 years old! Sheesh! I spent the whole chapter thinking, "How dare you tell her what to do?! Where do you get off telling her whom she can and cannot associate with?! Just who do you think you are?!" It's a good thing my parents were more of the laissez faire (which I spelled correctly on the first try... Oh, yeah) school of raising children, or I never would have survived. In response to my eldest brother climbing out his window in the middle of the night (damaging the window frame in the process) to go hang out with hooligans, my mother's response was something along the lines of, "Oh, for crying out loud, just use the front door next time..." Heh. I love my mom. :) Say what you will about parents who are their kids' friends instead of authority figures, but of the four kids in my family, we have no drug addicts, criminal offenses, knocked-up teenagers, high school drop-outs, runaways, drunken frat boys, Britney Spearseses, Columbian drug lords, or, most loathed of all, cheerleaders or football studs [insert cold shudder] (Can you tell what my high school experience was like? I try to be so cryptic...). Not a bad record, you have to admit. AND, parents who treat their children with respect and view them as autonomous individuals get to play Bag o' Credit Cards in the future. My mom has a copy of all our credit cards and basically just swirls her hand around in her purse to pull out the winning (or in this case, paying) card (bing! bing! bing! bing! bing!--that's supposed to be the sound of a slot machine, but I'm thinking it came across more like a trolley... of course, if my mum wanted a San Francisco treat, I'd certainly oblige).

If Bella had a brain in her head (which is a big, huge, colossal, practically impossible "if), Charlie wouldn't even have a chance at playing Bag o' Credit Cards. He's been an absent father for years, hardly knows anything about his own daughter, spends all his time watching ESPN (a clear felony in my book), and only speaks to his daughter in relation to whatever his little maid has prepared for dinner... And now, he wants to be all parent-y? I don't think so! Oh, and then he decides Bella, his 18 year old daughter (I reiterate because this fact seems to be lost on Charlie), is in need of a sex talk. Okay, your about a decade late, moron. "I am your father. I have responsibilities." Oh, please gag me (oh, wow, 80's flashback--pretty sure I'm going to have buy some moose and leg warmers after that). Apparently he watched a couple of episodes of Dr. Phil between the uh, Phillies and Raiders (?) games. (That's baseball, right? No? Hockey? Badminton? Anyone? Beuller? Whatever...) And, most sadly of all, that particular exchange was somehow the least awkward sex-related conversation in the book... more on that later--assuming I can stand to write about it--it was bad enough reading it...

Alas, Charlie's craptacularity is making Renee look better and better, and we hardly have any basis for her character whatsoever. Way to set the bar as low as possible, Charlie. Meyer has made a central character in Bella's life completely unsympathetic, uninteresting, and little more than an obnoxious roadblock to more compelling storylines. Upon hearing that a vampire had been in her room, but left Charlie untouched, I was so disappointed (you mean Santa didn't come this year?). They just don't make blood-sucking monsters like they used too [said all wistfully and nostalgically]... Vamps these days, I tell ya. They just can't do anything right. They need some role models. They need to set some goals, reach for the skies, give 110%, exanguinate Charlie... A girl can dream. :) Anyway, that Bella put up with any of his crap was completely shocking to me. I would have fought back in the most annoying, passive aggressive, coniving manner possible. Charlie would suddenly find that every dinner tastes like feet (Joey: "Well, I like it..."), all his left socks have disappeared to that pesky vortex that seems to suck them out of the dryer, those damn salt and pepper shaker lids could just never actually get screwed on all the way, and every question he'd ask would be answered with another question (preferrably one about autonomy, sovereignty or civil liberties). "Bella, do you know where the remote is?" [let's face it, that's something he would ask] "I don't know Dad, do you know why the caged bird sings?" And then just stare at him with my arms folded and eyebrows raised, as though I wouldn't tell him where the remote was till he came up with the correct answer. It wouldn't take more than a few days to break him... Muahahaha... That'll learn him to tell me what to do! (Huh, after this little diatribe, I think I may have pin-pointed some deep-seeded issues with authority... It's just a hunch, though... Again, so cryptic.)

Perhaps Charlie's actions wouldn't have been so irksome if he hadn't had company in his lunacy... Yeah, speaking of being overprotective, Edward needed to be smacked around a little bit (by a wrecking ball or blow torch or a semi or something) at the beginning of this volume. Geez, what's with all the fellas being terminally priggish!? (I've gone all 80's and suddenly British with this post so far--can't wait for, uh, suffragette(?) to crop up...) Okay, I realize she's developed some sort of Edward-based diabetes or soemthing, but that's really no excuse for her lack of backbone. If Edward had totally lied to me again and again about important things like Alice's apocalyptic visions (which, how sad is it that the readers can always tell when Edward's lying and we're not even there--what book is Bella reading?), refused to trust my assessments, and disabled my car in order to trap me, ooooh, let me tell you, it would be war. Bring it, bitch! The worst part has to be the condescension attached to all those actions, though. All that "it's for your own safety" ridiculousness should drive anyone crazy, but Bella, sweet, head made of coconut, Bella. She's uppity for all of about 10 minutes, then totally devolves into the wet bag of flour that we all know and can't stand.

"Shut your window if you want me to stay away tonight. I'll understand," Edward tells her. Oh, "you'll understand," will you? Gee, thanks... That's so very considerate of you! I think I'm falling in love with you all over again! For a moment, she shuts the damn window and I was thrilled to see she was finally showing some fiest... but that moment passed. Very, very quickly. With a sigh, and a total loss of her last shred of dignity, Bella "opened the window as wide as it would go." I was pissed and completely irked... but then I thought of Edward fluttering in through her window like Mr. Burns did in Smithers' fantasy and the giggling overshadowed the wrath. Good times. Anyway, I'd have kept the damn window shut. I mean, it's not like Edward broke into his girlfriend's email or anything (you know who you are), but still... Oh, we'd be so done. I'd start messing with Edward and Alice just as I would with Charlie. I'm not a "let it go"/"pick your battles" kind of gal. I'm more of a "fight to the death, annoy them into submission with childish mind games" kind of gal (i.e. the very best kind of gal possible). I'd employ the simple things like waxing nostalgic about Jacob, constantly looking at wolfish-lookin' puppies (well, I kind of do that already...), taking the diabetes idea and running with it (i.e. getting a testing kit and casually claiming that "it's necessary!"), deciding that I'm going to go "work on my tan" every other day, hanging out in the blood bank parking lot ("you know, for kicks!"), going through the whole list of "50 fun things to do at Wal-Mart" just to embarrass the hell out of them, taking advantage of the fact that he can't read my mind and start in on the "50 fun ways to confuse people" (which, can I just say? Walking into an elevator and not turning around to face the doors is a classic). Oh, the list goes on and on. The "50 mind-blowingly annoying ways to piss off a vampire" email forward is well under construction. I can be quite the pest when properly provoked--you've been warned (Mr. Olsen, I'm lookin' in your direction...). :) But, Bella, our resident doormat, totally lets him off the hook. Grrrr... (Annnnnd, I think we may have just nailed down why I'm single... Very single... Oh, come now, who wouldn't want a piece of this action?! With that particular brand of insanity on the table, the boys should come a-runnin'! Oh, I am a truly sad, sorry individual...) That she lets him off the hook just makes the reader frustrated with Bella and even more annoyed with Edward. Alice wasn't too high on my list for at least 80 or 90 pages either. Ugh. It was a long few chapters. Sometimes I really think Meyer is hell-bent on making me want Victoria to win...

Wow, we aren't even half-way there. There's a reason this took a while, Ann. The Canoodler is just going to have to wait...

So with Charlie and Edward both competing for the biggest prick award at home, Bella finally makes a break for it! Yay! But she ends up in La Push listening to boring stories... Um, yay? It was really nice to have Jacob back in the picture, especially when all the other characters were being condescending and deceitful. I'm guessing that was Meyer's intent. As a means of making the reader really want to pull for Jacob (if they hadn't been already), she makes Edward and company authority figures who are smothering her with restrictions, all for "her own good." Meyer essentially posits the vampires in the "controlling parents" corner and makes Jacob's honesty, casualness, and sense of fun and recklessness all the more appealing (particularly to her target audience, teenagers). Granted Jacob has his prejudices, but he tells her the truth when no one else is. Edward eventually lets up, but not before Meyer has made Jacob the straightforward rebel who respects and trusts Bella enough to tell her what's going on. To create a character who can compete with Edward's brooding, sophisticated, mysteriousness and statue of David physique isn't an easy feat, but her characterization of Jacob is actually quite successful. That he shows up out of the blue to recue her from her boyfriend-imposed prison and wisks her away on a motorcycle (an item close to Bella's heart) makes his character all the more appealing. The reader is faced with a real decision about whether they're going to root for Team Edward or Team Jacob, which, given Edward's build-up, is not an easy thing to do. Well done, Meyer (whoa, whoa, my reserved, front row seats in Hell just got snowed on! What good is an eternity of fire and brimstone if I still have to shovel? That would truly be Hell, indeed).

I was really enjoying the Edward/Jacob juxtaposition, and relishing the freedom associated with her friendship with Jacob when the ancient warrior stories (epics) began... I tried to care about the spirit warriors, I really did... but, after what felt like about 50 pages of soporific history lessons, I just couldn't take it. After every paragraph, I could hear Loralei in my head saying, "I four fourths don't care." (In reference to Kirk's request for coffee that was three fourths caffeinated, one fourth decaf.) But the stories continued. And continued. And my mind drifted. And drifted. Then shut down completely (so really, it kind of felt like I was at work). Blah, blah, blah, spirit warriors. I four fourths don't care!!! Yada, yada, yada, patriarchal nonsense. Ohhh, the patriarchal nonsense (which is only slightly mitigated by Leah becoming a werewolf). I don't care what the institution, I'm all about equal rights and representation. In these ancient werewolf stories, the women are basically relegated to the role of Scooby Snacks and Snausages to distract the vampires with. Yes, that's correct, ladies and gentlemen. Bait. All the women are is bait. They hold the same hallowed, revered position as grubs, worms, and Focusyn under a box that's held up with a stick (vague Simpsons reference--good luck with that). When the vampires come to town, apparently the contingency plan is to have some useless maiden cut herself as a distraction. "Oh no, it's the cold ones! Quick, get the womenfolk! We need a bleeder!" Gee. Thanks. It's so nice to be needed... This is all reinforced by the fact that they can list every male member of the tribe, including Utlapa, Yut, Yaha Uta, Taha Aki and about 15 others (seriously, I'm pretty sure there was a Chief Wannahockaloogie in there somewhere--from the Australian branch of the Quiletes, no doubt), but they can't remember any of the women's names, most notably "the third wife." They herald her sacrifice, but are basically left calling her "the third wife" because no one bothered to learn her name. Nice. Real nice. What, was "what's her face" already taken? Oy. Some tribute. I do like that this fact really did bother Bella quite a lot, because it sure bothered me. Hey, Tasty Snausage #3 was a pivotal part of the Quileutes history, fellas. She deserves a little credit... even if all she was really allowed to do was bleed all over ("Oh, what are you gonna do, bleed on me?!")

Having endured all the werewolf lore the readers could handle, Meyer decided to finally throw us a bone and give some back story on some of the vamps, Rosalie and Jasper, to be exact. Well, I thought I was being thrown a bone (Yay! She's finally going to tell us something!), but ended up get smacked in the face with it (Yay! Some backstory! Wait... what the hell?! Oh, crap... Meyer!). We'll begin with Rosalie. Having read about 1300 pages of this series without having an ounce of backstory for Rosalie, I constructed one of my own. I needed to have some compelling motives behind her actions and I didn't care if I had to create them myself. It was necessary, to be honest. So in my world, Rosalie and Edward had much more involved history. She had always been enamored of Edward and they had had some sort of entanglements in the past. But, Edward was never as interestd in Rosalie as she was with him, so he ended things. Hurt and rejected, Rosalie sought out Emmett and convinced herself she loved him, but still harbored feelings (and resentments) for Edward. So, when she tells Edward that Bella is dead in New Moon, it's a sinister, heart-breaking, and darkly poetic action that's filled with meaning and history. She's hurting Edward after he hurt her. Deep down, she's morbidly pleased that Edward will be left all alone, because if she can't have him, no one should. She still cares for him very deeply, and secretly wishes he'd choose her. She sees Bella's death as an opportunity. She knows it will hurt him to find out, but she sees it as her only chance. It also explains her coldness toward Bella, who's her competition, and makes Edward's reaction to Rosalie's initial rebuke ("Why are we risking our lives for her?") where he simply falls quiet and doesn't argue, poignant and emotional. He knows he hurt her in the past and has no right to ask this of her... That's how I constructed things and was quite enjoying the story I had been forced to build...

In Meyer's world, however, Rosalie is so much much more one-dimensional, and consequently, much less interesting. I was very excited to finally learn about her character for real, but found Meyer's explanation to be a let-down. She's made what could have been a smart, fiery character and made her a silly debutant with silly wishes and unattainable dreams. I thought the story of her conversion into a vampire was fairly compelling, but it was the bare bones of who she is that fell flat for me. If I hadn't been forced to build a narrative for her, I don't think I would have found it as jarring, but when the author doesn't tell you a damn thing for well over 1000 pages, a reader's gotta do what a reader's gotta do (cue clip of Rambo strapping his headband on). Rosalie's reasons for not thinking Bella should become a vampire an intrinsic to her story, but I don't find them convincing for this character or particularly compelling. She was a brainless socialite who wanted to marry rich and grow old with her husband and children at her side. In and of itself, it's a fine enough goal for one's life. But for someone like Rosalie, who has based her entire existence on being admired and fauned over, that growing old would be a part of her vision isn't consistent with who she is. The shallow, conceited Rosalie that Meyer has constructed would never have withstood growing old and haggard and losing the adoration of her peers. Either Rosalie is kidding herself, or Meyer's construction is flawed. It's probably a little bit of both. That Rosalie thinks that she would have gotten her happy ending if she hadn't become a vampire is ludicrous, and anyone who has been around for as long as she has would know that there are no happy endings. Not for vampires, but certainly not for humans either. What a let down. (The story of her dispatching of Royce and company in a wedding dress was kind of fun though--very Kill Bill. Niiiice. Get him, Uma! I mean, Rosalie!) (Rosalie has always reminded me of Daisy from Dead Like Me in many ways, so she's the one I cast in the role--that's not a great picture of her, but you get the idea.)

Speaking of disconcerting, late, jarring backstories, hey look, it's Jasper! Soooo, when they said Jasper was from the Southwest, I was thinking Arizona... Yeah, no. He's from Texas. Wait, let me try that again--it needs the proper inflection. Ahem. Jasper's from TEXAS?!? WTF?!? Ah, that's better. You have no idea how bummed I was to find this out (especially after all this time). I thought that with him being from Arizona, his past might somehow intersect with Bella's present and that could be really cool! Yeah, not so much. And to find out that he's a soldier?! Even worse! I had built a character in my head that I really, really liked and who had a hell of a lot of potential, and now I have to give him a Southern drawl and military tendencies? Oh, Meyer. That's cold. I had lovingly cast River Phoenix in the role of Jasper and could hear the impudent charm of his voice in my head... Now that he's from Texas and a military expert (which is a pre-existing condition in my book), I have to pick a whole new persona for him! The worst part was trying to pick a new voice. The only references I have for a Southern accent are our loathesome president (whom I had to rule out because Jasper can actually complete a sentence), Matthew McConaughey, Holly Hunter, and Yosemite Sam. So unless I wanted Jasper to sound like a woman or be the rootinest tootinest vampire in the West, I was going to have to go with McConaughey. Oh, great. Now Jasper's going to sound completely stoned all the time and will never be able to find his shirt. After all was said and done, I decided to just keep my dearly departed River Phoenix in the role and pretend that Meyer hadn't disrupted my universe so late in the game. Blah.

The following discussion may not be suitable for all readers. Those who possess a weak stomach, sense of decency, or knowledge of awkwarditity are asked to proceed with caution. After my review of New Moon, I had been warned by Debbie that if lines like, "Which is tempting you more, my blood or my body?" made me a ill, then Eclipse would cause my head to explode. I had NO IDEA how serious she was being... Oh, the humanity! It's as though Stephanie Meyer has been reading my, um, glowing reviews of her books and, upon hearing that the comcastic events nearly killed me, decided to finish me off... And she totally almost succeeded, let me tell you.

I had to read the chapter called "Compromise" in three sittings it was so painful. The whole rest of the book was squared away in about that many sittings, but that one, agonizing chapter just about did me in. Round 1, Meyer uses lines like, "His bedroom? 'Sure,' I agreed, feeling quite devious as I wound my fingers through his. 'Let's go.'" and "'My heart is just as silent,' he mused. 'And it, too, is yours.'" to start things off slowly. A bit painful, sure, but bearable. More saccharine than agonizing. Then Meyer starts to bring the pain with Bella, talking about the time after she becomes a vampire, "I'm afraid I'll be so preoccupied with the mayhem that I won't be me anymore...and that I won't...I won't want you the same way I do now." Then, with a mighty right hook, the description of the action alone is enough to make me shut the book, "His lips were gentle agains mine, and I could tell his mind was elsewhere--trying to figure out what was on my mind. I decided he needed a hint. My hands were slightly shaky as I unlocked my arms from around his neck. My fingers slid down his neck to the collar of his shirt. The trembling didn't help as I tried to hurry to undo the buttons before he stopped me." Oh, man alive! I had this disturbing vision of Bella in full-on Lucille Ball mode when she's working at the candy factory and the conveyor belt is moving too fast (only instead of chocolates, it's buttons). Oh, geez, then she starts unbuttoning her own top and it's all down hill from there, folks. I had to take a break no more than 5 pages in to this horrendous chapter.

Round 2, Bella feels all rejected and Edward clocks me with statements like, "You know that I want you... Of course I do, you silly, beautiful, oversensitive girl... You're too desirable for your own good." (Perhaps charming to her own detriment? Hehe, sorry, Ann.) He's clearly delusional, so I'm trying to go easy on him, but geez, try going easy on me! Then it gets worse. Oh, so much worse. The second part of Round 2 made me suffer through painfully awkward accounts of how Edward might kill Bella if they had sex [insert wincing]. "Bella, I could kill you." He's just too much for her to handle... annnd, statements like that are just too much for me to handle. [The following to be read in smarmy, hulking, arrogant jackass leading man voice-- pistol winks included--Just read it in Captain Hammer's voice]: "Bella, sugar pie, you just can't handle this kind of action. I don't know my own strength. I'm a virile, powerful stallion and you're a delicate tulip who's too fragile to pluck..." Okay, so Edward didn't say that, but it's not too far off! Oh, it's just so painful!

Round 3, good god I hope there are only 3 rounds, ushered in the begging. The pathetic, awkward, uncomfortable, quick-shut-the-book-and-head-for-the-hills begging. "Please. It's all I want. Please." But, but, but ALL the other kids got a choo-choo train for Christmas! It hurts. It physically hurts. Oh, man, Round 3 then devolved into a harlequin romance and made me want to kill myself. If I have to (get to?) sleep with Edward in order for death to come swiftly, then so be it! "One of his hands still cupped my face, his other arm was tight around my waist, straining me closer to him. It made it slightly more difficult as I tried to reach the front of my shirt, but not impossible." Way to keep reaching for that rainbow, deary. "Bella, would you please stop trying to take your clothes off?" "Do you want to do that part?" Oh, geez! Out of the blue, Meyer starts kicking me in the shins! Oh, so awkward! I can't take it! I can't take it!

Round 4 (no such luck on there only being 3 rounds). I am now weak, battered and bruised, but the hits just keep on coming. Meyer's conservative upbringing has hampered the whole chapter, but now it really comes blazing across the page as she concocts some ridiculous reason why these two need to be married before they have sex. Murdering people, deceit, violence, aggression, and selfishness are all fine and dandy, but pre-marital sex?! Noooooo! Someone really needs to sort her priorities out... Wow. Edward is suddenly concerned about eveyone's souls and thinks that sex is the reason he's not getting in to heaven? Are ya kidding me? A loving act between two consenting adults? Oh, well obviously that should get a ticket straight to Hell. I just don't understand whe the big deal is. With Meyer at the helm, I had to expect it would be ludicrous, but I never expected it to be this painful. Oh man, and then he proposes and Meyer is basically sitting on me and pulling my hair at that point. Make it stop!

Oh, and can I just say? Edward is so completely confident that he'll still be in love with Bella after she becomes a vampire, but I ain't buyin' it. He claims that it's not her scent that he's in love with, but that means he apparently hasn't read the first 1500 pages of the series (oh, sorry, "saga"). Good luck with that...

That's all I can muster on this subject... Meyer has beaten me. That's enough, that's enough! You win! After that agonizing chapter, after the left hooks and the hair-pulling, she finished me off. I died (and not in the charmingly tawdry Shakespearean way--I'm not sure that would be possible after such a chapter).

I lay there lifeless, bruised, and beaten for while, then forced myself to soldier on... Rising from the depths of awkward teen sex with a religious bent, I began to read again some time later... Little did I know I would find even more of a soap opera than when I left... :( So yeah, now Bella is in love with Edward and Jacob. Oh, goodie...

I swear I'm wrapping this up, I really do. So yeah, Jacob's in love with Bella, Bella is love with Edward, but after a fairly bizarre night in a tent and a kiss Bella was duped into, it turns out she's in love with Jacob as well. Ooooh, I can't wait for Jacob's evil twin brother Striker to get here! It's gonna be good. ;) Anyway, Meyer does her best to make a case for both of these guys, and largely succeeds (soap operatic elements notwithstanding). It'll be interesting to see where she takes this in the next volume, but I'm not sure I can handle reading another one of her books, so I may never know. Bella seems pretty secure in her obsessive "I can't live without Edward!!!!" hysteria, so any case Meyer makes for Jacob comes across as kind of moot. The main area of interest and contention among Bella's suitors is that her devotion to Edward means she'll be sacrificing her humanity. I'm guessing Meyer is going to really focus on that fact in the coming novel, positing the relatively normal life she could have with Jacob against the total transformation she'll have with Edward. I'm kind of over the drama at this point, so whatever. The fact that she ended this book with an epilogue from Jacob's perspective tells me he'll either be written out of the story (doubtful) or will play a pivotal role in Breaking Dawn. Okay, that epilogue? It kind of sucked. Meyer is just not a very good writer. The voice she uses for Jacob is exactly the same voice she uses for Bella. If ya can't write well enough to stay in character, DON'T use first person narration! I know we've been over this, Meyer... Either Bella and Jacob are even more kindredly spirited than we thought, or you're a one-note author who can't branch out. Methinks the latter...

We're nearing the end folks! Final paragraph! Cookies and doughnuts in the copy area for people who made it this far!

Overall, I enjoyed Eclipse quite a bit more than New Moon. The basic plotline was much more interesting and the final few chapters with the battle royale were pretty compelling (as compelling as they can be when we're stuck out in the woods with Bella's perspective). It also had its seriously irksome qualities. While I can appreciate Bella's reluctance to have Edward go off in to battle, that she would have the nerve, the selfishness to make him stay behind, thereby putting everyone else in even more danger is just unforgivable. That Edward so readily agrees is just as bad. But I guess if he hadn't stayed behind, Bella wouldn't have gotten to play the choice role of Tasty Snausage #4, so all would have been lost. As much as I would have hated to see anyone but Charlie get killed off, I think Meyer should have killed one of the Cullens. I think it would have been particularly effective to have killed of Emmett, the brashest and biggest of the bunch. That would have made for a very interesting dynamic among Bella, Edward, and the rest of the Cullens. Plus, after her selfish behavior, she deserves the guilt. Opportunities to make this series really engaging and dynamic keep presenting themselves and Meyer just keeps taking the easy way out. No good.

Okay, that's all I can stands, I can't stands no more. I realize the next book comes out on Saturday, but I think I might need a week off before I jump on in. I don't even want to know what the honeymoon holds in store... Oh geez, the very thought of the writing in that chapter is already making my face hurt. Alas, I am spent.

Depression and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance

Okay, I'm going to promise that this won't be nearly as long as my Twilight review. I finished New Moon, the second installment in the series, the other day and in some ways, I enjoyed it more than Twilight, and in other ways, it was much less successful. Here we go. Round two. Ding! Ding!

Yet again, I really have no idea where to start. The novel began much (heh, I accidentally typed "mush" at first--which makes me think my subconscious (or at least my fingers) know where this review might be headed) the way I would have expected. The first 50 pages were comcastic in their own right, but overall, fairly successful. I quite enjoyed the episode with the birthday party. The author took a very simple, seemingly innocuous event and used it as a tool to remind the reader that Bella really is in danger and that vampires aren't necessarily the peace-and-love welcoming wagon that they were starting to sound like. The writing was much better as well (more on that later) until I got to the most painfully comcastic line out of both books. It was so comcastic I couldn't even read it aloud to the girls at work. For full effect, you need to read the line with the proper voice in your head. For some of you, it is the voice that is used when throwing onself seductively against the cubicle wall. For others, it's the husky, naughty secretary voice one might use to leave a voicemail message on Ben's cell phone. Either way, it makes the following even more painfully cringe-worthy than I can even stand...

Ready now? Voice in head? Compazine at the ready? Brace yourselves...

Page 52, Bella: "Which is tempting you more, my blood or my body?"

Oh, ew, ahh! Ohhhhh, geez, you did NOT just say that! [face cringing with shock, indignation, and disapproval, and eyes closing with the full impact of literary mace] Ooo-kay, Bella just has no shame whatsoever. Even as I'm looking at it now, well after the initial shock has worn off, it's still embarrassing. Oh man, I'm embarrassed for her. Geez, the things she says to him. It's just inexcusable. He may as well be able to read her thoughts for as much of a filter as she puts on. Oh, the humanity!

Moving on. (Quickly! Quickly!) As I mentioned in my thick-as-War-and-Peace review of Twilight, I spent the better part of the novel wishing the author would focus more on the other vampires. I was whole lot more interested in them than in the I've-known-you-for-six-weeks-and-now-I-can't-live-without-you central romance (apparently scent conquers all), and was hopeful the next installment would bring me a whole lot more backstory and character development regarding Edward's family... Annnd, apparently the cosmos are out to get me, because between about page 80 and about page 400, Charlie is getting more screen time than any of the vamps, and that's a crying shame on more than a few levels! Not that I don't just love hearing about him watching ESPN and going fishing, but... well, um... wow, I can't think of a way to finish that sentence... Oh, Charlie--even more pathetic and less sympathetic than in volume one. But that's beside the point. I don't mean to get all Grey's Anatomy on you, but seriously?! Seriously. The whole bloody clan up and left?!

Which leads us to the Underworld portion of the series... Casting update: Turns out Kate Beckinsale should have been at the top of the list. Not many actresses gets type-cast as a vampire/werewolf liason, but Beckinsale certainly fits the bill. Chapter one goal? Re-tool (emphasis on tool) the vampires. Chapter two goal? Completely overhaul the mythology of werewolves. Enter Jacob, stage right.

I have to admit, clear back in book one when Jacob was telling Bella about the lore behind vampires and werewolves, I immediately knew that Jacob and his little band of merry men (manly men!) would turn out to be werewolves and that eventually a royal rumble would have to take place. I'm not saying that Bella should have come to that conclusion at that time, but by page 200 of New Moon, it certainly should have crossed her mind. Of course he's a werewolf. Oy. As I recall, she didn't actually come to this realization till several annoying chapters later. All I'm saying is that if Scientology-style brainwashing is on the table for Jacob's odd behavior, and vampires have glistened into actual existence, werewolves should have been a consideration long before they were. I'm being nitpicky, but man alive, reading her molasses-quick thought process was, well, like... watching molasses. Only slower. Double oy.

Speaking of the werewolves... As with the vampires, author Stephanie Meyer has taken the liberty to completely reinvent the mythology behind them. In general, I wouldn't have any problem with this, but after seeing how she whipped out her Bedazzler for the vampires, I had to assume that the werewolves would turn into rainbows or a box of Lucky Charms at the light of the full moon or something... It didn't turn out that bad, I guess, because Meyer threw out the entire concept of the moon having any effect whatsoever. As Meyer sees it, werewolves can change back and forth at their leisure and don't really have any rules or restrictions in place. The only restrictions that are imposed on these would-be mythical creatures are on an emotional level and have more to do with self-control than anything else. I realize that resisting someone as ravishingly unstable as Bella is tough (I mean, rrarr!), but, wow. If I were to get really English-y, I'd propose the theory that Meyer imposes only emotional restrictions and restaints on these creatures to humanize them in a way; to make them more plausible and believable. I would posit that Meyer is making the statement that everyone can be a monster is his or her own way and that it all boils down to how one handles his or her lot in life. I would support this position with the fact that Bella ostensibly becomes a zombie, joining the ranks of her vampire boyfriend and pet werewolf (slash grease monkey--this is the saddest zoo ever) without having to be bitten by a radio-active spider or something. But, I'm not going to give Meyer the benefit of the doubt. As far as I'm concerned, Meyer just didn't want to have to work around any real restrictions, so she made up a bunch of stuff to make the novels easier to write--which is the kind of slackerdom I can appreciate, but don't really enjoy reading. Geez, did my professors have to suffer like this at the hands of my poor work ethic? I am so so sorry (Mrs. King, Hill, and Barker, I'm looking in your direction--I realize some of those essays were (okay, ALL of those essays) were pretty half-assed...). I don't know. I just think that having those restrctions on these otherwise near indestructible beings made the whole game a lot more fun. How is the opposing side supposed to strategize and play to their opponents weaknesses if there aren't any? If you're going to re-invent a mythology, impose some very real restrictions of your own. Otherwise, it all just seems a bit too convenient. The royal rumble, which I assume is in the coming volume, could turn out to be of lame. Or, with as heartily as Meyer is borrowing from the star-crossed lovers theme, I really hoping it might be a bit on the West Side Story-ish side of things. At least one can dream... I'd really enjoy seeing some finger snapping and ballet, I have to admit... (When you're a vamp, you're a vamp all the way, from your first taste of blood, till your last dying (oh wait, they're already dead...) day...) Okay so it needs some work...

Anyway, so yeah, Jacob's a werewolf... I actually think Meyer did a pretty good job with the Jacob character. He's sweet and likable but, as a result, unfortunately kind of boring. He's sort of the Dean of the story. Or the Duncan. Or a Nate Archibald. All I can say is, where's the snarky best friend for me to root for? Do we have a Logan or a Chuck Bass in the house? Uhh, yeah, umm... Jasss-per? Sure... Yeah, I don't think Meyer is comfortable writing snark, so it's probably best that all the fellas be kind of one-note. It was actually nice to see Jacob develop some edge after the whole werewolf transformation, but the whole time, I just couldn't get Teen Wolf out of my head. It made him a lot less menacing, what with riding on top of Bella's truck while Surfin' USA is playing... If the La Push basketball team is in trouble this year, don't worry, Jacob will be there to save the day... It really ruined my image of what the werewolves looked like (as visions of Micheal J. Fox danced in my head). Fortunately, I was inclinded to like the vamps more than the wolves anyway. The werewolves were kind of disconcertingly patriarchal, whereas the vamps are more equal opportunity. (Votes for women!)

The trio of mythological beings does form the basis for the novel, however. Although, with all the zombies, vampires, and werewolves running amock, I had to assume that Nick Carter was going to show up in a mummy costume at any moment (...ALL RIGHT!)... I actually rather enjoyed Bella the zombie and I think it was the first time I felt like I could really relate to her (aside from the fact that she shares my birthday... Which can I just say? Virgos are lot more practical than she is... Way to read your Zodiac, Meyer). Although at first I had a hard time abiding her reasons for dispondency, I could certainly relate to her depression and the irrational inclination for self-destruction. When your life is going to hell and everything completely sucks, I definitely think people have the urge to be reckless, because really, what does it matter? If everything is horrible always, why not jump off a cliff? Before you're 30? ;) And as far as her reasoning goes, I was very pleased to see that Meyer pointed out that it's not just Edward. Granted his absence is the primary reason for her sorrow, but I like that Meyer made it clear that Bella is mourning her entire way of life. For the first time ever, she felt like she belonged somewhere, had real friends and allies, and a place where she didn't have to feel like a freak. She fits in, and absolutely doesn't, at the same time, and that was really working for her. She misses the whole shabang, not just Edward. It was a nice point to make. It made Bella seem a whole lot less pathetic.

I think Bella's moroseness is a lot of the reason the writing struck me as being so much better. The story overall could have been greatly improved, but the approach to the narrative made for a less annoying, more enjoyable read. Meyer seems to have pretty much completely abandoned the strict first-person narrative, instead opting for a third person approach, albeit technically in Bella's voice. It annoyed me a bit at first that she wasn't able to stay in character for longer than two sentences at a time, but really? The less Bella is telling the story, the better. Why do I say it didn't sound like her telling the tale, you ask? Well, what 18-year-old dingbat (yet another mythical beast brought to life) doesn't describe a smile as "beatific" and her own heartbeat as "besotted"? You're right, what was I thinking? Of course Bella is at the helm... [Oh, man, I just dripped sarcasm all over me...] Yet again, not really complaining. I'll take all the actual vocabulary and viable syntax I can get, but it just seemed kind of lazy of the author. Again. Well, maybe she got "beatific" and "besotted" on sale or something... Wow, maybe I have more in common with Meyer than I thought...

Although the writing was a bit better on the surface, well, at least as far as basic sentence structure was concerned, the story itself was seriously lacking. Aside from taking the whole Romeo and Juliet star-crossed lovers approach, which, might I add, has all been done (a lot, and done better), the story just didn't seem well-conceived and kind of meandered. I think my primary quibble is with the fact that so few of the characters have been fleshed-out by the author that it's nearly impossible to determine the motives for their actions--which in turn, makes their actions a whole lot less interesting. Enter Rosalie, stage left.

Okay, now if Rosalie had anything but the scantest of backstories, it would have been a lot more interesting and compelling when she told Edward that Bella was dead. If she and Edward had a real history, the reader would have a hell of a lot more to work with than the gloss explanation that's given in the book. I found myself constructing an entire backstory in my head for Rosalie that made her motives clearer. I have this entire construct in my head for pretty much all of the vampires just so that everything makes more sense and the story is improved. Rosalie telling Edward could have been sinister, beautiful, fantastic, and heartbreaking if she and Edward had a real history together, but as is, it comes across as little more than a weak plot device to get us from point A to point B. I'm seriously hoping that her motives are elucidated in the coming volume, but I haven't the slightest confidence that that will be the case. And actually, I've so entirely made up stories for everyone that for Meyer to give them histories now would totally disrupt the narrative for me. I don't know. I think it can be effective to tease at a character's motives and then explain them much later, but I think Meyer's attempt largely failed here and that she missed an incredible opportunity for conflicting emotions and actions. It's a shame. (And just as a sidenote, what? Were they never going to tell Edward? I don't think telling him was all that wrong, I have to say. Wouldn't he want to know? Whatever.)

Anyway, moving on. Although the beat-the-clock ending with them gallivanting through Italy had its flaws, I think it was the most successful part of the book (and not just because the vampires finally decided to show up again). I found myself genuinely anxious for them to make it in time. My axiety was kind of tainted, however, when Bella is running through the square and all I could think in my head was her doing that slow-motion running that I do that Erika loves so much and yelling, "NOOOOOOOO!!!!" in warped slo-mo voice. It was kind of distracting... Then, for some reason, I had the two Italian restaurant guys from Lady and the Tramp in my head, saying, "Hey, Joe! Look at dees a-spark-alia vampire over a-here!" (which really smacks of Joey's attempts at an Italian accent, now that I think about it... "Dat's a what I expected-adah...") My mind tends to wander... at least with these books it does... Anyway, random Disney characters aside, I actually liked the Italian chapters quite a lot. It was nice to have some history for the vampire culture, if not a drop for any of the main characters. I thought the sequence with the vampire royal family, as it were, was quite successful and made a more interesting read than I was expecting.

Oh, one more quick note on Italy. So, this has annoyed me since day 1, but I'm only bringing it up now. If she's supposed to be so plain, and is as clearly personality-less as she is, why on earth did the author name her Bella Swan? If she's so unattractive, reason would have it that she wouldn't be named Beautiful anything, let alone Swan. Oy. Although maybe she's just as unlucky as I am, having a name that doesn't exactly suit her. Not that I don't see pole dancing in my future or anything... Anyway, I just think it would have been more fitting to name her Phyllis, or Joan, or Ruth, or... Walter. Ahh, that's it. Walter. Walter Mudgett. Nowww we're talking.

I guess my final problem with this book is that it's a middle volume and isn't going to have the self-contained structure that one would expect from a singular novel. That said, however, most books in a series at least have some sense of being self-contained, and this really, really didn't. If you're going to load a gun in Act I, it has to go off by Act III, and this particular volume loaded several guns in Act I and then an entirely different set of artillary is what went off in Act III (well, was it III? Who knows). I'm guessing that's what Meyer had in mind that I'll just have to wait for things to really come together. If that was her plan, however, then why the hell is she putting prologues and epilogues in every volume! Stephanie Meyer, I donna think those words mean what you think they mean... If it's not the end of the story as a whole, DON'T PUT AN EPILOGUE! Geez, it's like she wrote these for a class and wanted extra credit for using as many components as possible. It's annoying.

All right, rant over. I'll be starting in on Eclipse later today and have heard that it's better than New Moon, so here's hoping. I've heard that I'll finally get some backstory, so that'll be good. Or totally jarring. I just can't win...

New Twilight Trailer

My review of New Moon is almost complete, but until then, below is the new teaser trailer for the Twilight movie. I'm honestly thinking that the movies will be a lot better than the books, and that just doesn't happen very often. The girl they got for Bella isn't quite what I had in mind, but the more I see of her the more she seems to be working for me. I'm sure the film will have its cringe-worthy moments, don't get me wrong, but it's looking better than the book so far.

Oh, and the African-American fellow who is playing Laurent is Edi Gathegi, who is the same guy who played Cole on last season of House. The girl playing Victoria was on an episode of Veronica Mars, so even though her hair isn't nearly as fiery as one would hope, I have to like her by association. ;)

Casting Call

So, since Stephanie Meyer didn't give us readers a whole lot to work with as far as Bella's appearance is concerned in Twilight, I spent the better part of the novel trying to pick an actress to fill the role (well, at least an actress whose looks I could borrow). The actress chosen for the movie just isn't doing it for me... Henceforth, Ann and I have discussed this to an embarrassing degree and have narrowed the field to the following contenders. (Please bear in mind that ALL these girls are far too attractive to really fit with Meyer's description, but really, who wants to watch an ugly waif in their head as they're reading? I kept making her a lot smarter, funnier, and prettier in my head just to make Edward's adoration seem a bit more plausible... Speaking of whom, I think Cedric Diggory is perfect for the role, so there's nothing to complain about there. Oh, so pretty...)

Anyway, on with the show!

Here is our top contender:

Sarah Drew (of Everwood fame): I have a hard time separating her from the character she played on Everwood, but lookswise, she's the closes to what I had in mind while reading.


A close second in my book would have to be Emmy Rossum. She's much too pretty and elegant for the role, but who wants to have Hortence, the Mule-faced Girl in her head as she reads? Not me.

The rest of these are definitely contenders, but not quite right.

Ginnifer Goodwin
She's not quite waifish enough for the role, but she has a good look.


Alexis Bledel
Oh, Rory. I can't separater Alexis Bledel from Gilmore Girls, I just can't... She'll always be Rory. But, she really does look the part as far as I'm concerned. Aside from being way too pretty...


And, and honorable mention goes to Mischa Barton. Miss Marissa Cooper would be just whiny and pathetic enough to fill the role... No, I still can't quite see it, but she's pretty close. Oh, and speaking of the O.C., Rachel Bilson was on the short list, but we decided she's too pretty and isn't nearly pale enough.

Gee, your blood smells terrific!

Disclaimer: The following review is pretty critical and fairly mocking. I have to preface it with the fact that I did enjoy reading the book, even if it really wasn’t very good. When I take it for what it is, a vampire love story aimed at junior high kids, it really wasn’t that bad either. I can’t hold it to the same standards that I would other books and when I remind myself that the author wasn’t exactly aiming for me, it makes the whole thing seem a lot better. It’s a guilty pleasure. And it sucks you in. And I’m actually pretty interested to see what happens in the next volume, so my critique will invariably loses some of its muster. Also, sadly, this is going to be an insanely long post. It has turned into the longest blog post in the history of the free world. Brace yourselves. It also gets pretty spoilery, so proceed with caution. Anyway…

Wow. Where to begin. So I polished off Twilight in considerably less time than I’d anticipated. It’s rare that one comes across a book where you can read like, 110 pages an hour (and that’s not exactly a compliment…). Don’t get me wrong, it was nice to have a quick, easy read that I could breeze through in just a couple of sittings, but the speed with which one can read it speaks volumes to its lack of depth. I tell ya what, wow. It kept me interested and all, but I could sum up the entire novel in five sentences and not leave anything out. I got to the end and it was like, “Annnnnd, we’re done. Really? We’re done? O-kaaay…” The book wasn’t exactly brimming with the subtlety, sub-text, and incisive character profiles that other authors seem to have to wrestle with (those poor saps). Didn’t anyone tell the other authors out there that you really don’t need to try that hard to write an international best-seller? You fools!

Huh, two paragraph in and I still don’t know where to begin. There’s just so much to discuss, sadly. I guess the most logical place to start is with a gripping discussion of the nature of love and the power it has to overcome all obstacles; the awe-inspiring connection between these two lost souls, who, after searching and searching, finally found each other in a triumphant, exhilarating convergence that…that…!—Oh, who does Stephanie Meyer think she’s kidding. I just read 500 pages of this “love” story and still don’t buy it. When pale, marbly skin and delicious-smelling T-cells are the sole basis for the great love affair of a novel, well, let’s just say it makes the vampires and werewolves pretty damn believable by comparison.

Speaking of delicious-smelling T-cells… Oh, Bella. Ya just didn’t get any better, did you… And, from what I hear, only gets worse in the coming installments. “Yaaaay…” she groaned. Oh, I’ll read them all right, and I’m sure I’ll get just as sucked in and the first, but seriously? Astronomical book sales are no excuse for a crappy heroine... Okay, raise of hands (and I fully expect you to raise your hands, even while sitting at your desks, people): Who all wanted to smack Bella around a little bit every time she pathetically and panickedly pleaded (there was a two-for-one sale on alliteration—even non-words) with Edward, “PUH-LEEEASE DON’T LEAVE ME!!!”?

Hang on, let me count… okay, is that everyone? Erika, you’re with me? Annie? I see you and Ben 2 are on the same page even though he hasn’t read the books (and I can’t say I’m surprised)… No, Anna, you do not get to vote twice (i.e. put Grant’s hand down—he won’t have read them for a least a year). And everyone else? Good. Man alive, what a pathetic, whiny, NEEDY, weak, swoony (i.e. one inclined to swooning, of course), ridiculous, delusion damsel in CONSTANT distress!!! Grow a backbone! Geez, I think she single-handedly moved the women’s movement back a few dozen steps (well, not single-handedly, I mean we have Paris and Lindsay and Britney (Oh, my!)). Okay… maybe I’m being too harsh. I can think of dozens of ways in which she could have been worse… Okay, so none are coming to mind at the moment, but I’m sure they exist… As sure as I am that [with mock earnestness] the immortal, unbreakable love between Bella and Edward will live on… and on… AND ON! [Insert image of me with one hand outstretched the heavens while Celine Dion-esquely pounding the other hand (now fisted) to my chest (face all construed in zealous, inspirational fervor, of course).]

Okay, wow, just had to get that off my chest (it was forced out by my Celine Dion move—ouch…). Now for a real assessment of our narrator. As crazy as she drove me at times, I’ll admit that I didn’t completely hate her. BUT, and it’s in caps for a reason, it feels like the author went to great lengths to make her as unlikable as was humanly possible. It’s to her credit (discredit?) as a mediocre author that I didn’t totally hate her, because it wasn’t for want of effort. It’s one thing to construct a flawed protagonist. Indeed, to have a completely perfect character would also be problematic (see below, subpart “Edward”). Every character needs flaws and sometimes they need a whole lot of flaws (is Dr. House in the house?), but they also need assets, and that is where Bella seems to be seriously lacking. It would be fine for Bella to be plain if it were offset by cunning. It would be fine for her to be klutz if she were also talented in some non-physical way (artistic or something). Even her neediness would be forgivable if she were snarkily entertaining (no seriously, Dr. House?). But for Bella to seriously have nothing going for her, it makes it incredibly difficult to root for her. That the only thing she has in her life, the most important thing in the world to her, the reason she goes on living, is some guy she met a few weeks ago, kind of comes as an annoying slap in the face. The author has imbued our little narrator with no redemptive qualities: no drive, no passion (other than a passion for pasty skin), no inherent skill or talent, and then tries to convince us that the most perfect being ever in creation is in love with her. Boy, those T-cells must be positively aromatic! Geez, even if she just had one single quality that made her in any way interesting, unique, or talented, the reader could latch on to that and form a connection. As is, not only do I not relate to Bella, but I sure as hell don’t want to either!

On that note, I have heard from various people that the author specifically didn’t describe Bella very well because she wanted readers to form their own conception of who she is and be able to relate to her. Well, that backfired. At least for me it did. I spent the bulk of the novel trying to conceptualize someone who could be so completely devoid of appealing qualities and yet somehow be this ravishing creature with whom everyone was utterly enamored. Okay, I can spin the truth better than just about anyone and can convince people of just about anything if I want to, and I still couldn’t make a case here. In my mind, I had to continually make her more cunning and clever and captivating (the alliteration sale goes through Saturday) than the author made her out to be. It was the only way I could piece the story together in a logical way, and let me tell ya, it got kind of exhausting. I just can’t fathom why on earth the author would have made such a choice. I want to think that she’s trying to juxtapose the common banality of human existence with the poetic perfection (buy now!) of the vampires, but by going to such absolutes, the comparison loses its subtlety and the impact rings false and implausible. It isn’t built-up or explored, it’s just thrown right in your face, wasting its effect in one fell swoop. Every mention thereafter is repetitive and in no way illuminating. “Yeah, yeah, we get it. She’s pathetic. He’s perfect. We know.”

As I mentioned earlier, however, somehow, in spite of the author’s tremendous efforts, I didn’t totally hate Bella. I don’t think I’d have cared to finish the novel if I had. I think Bella’s primary redemptive quality is that she’s actually pretty self-aware. She’s as bewildered as the reader as to why Edward would give her a second glance. She seems abundantly aware of the fact that she’s not exactly a winner (more of a “sweet spirit,” if you will) and despite Edward’s near constant assertions that she doesn’t see herself accurately, I think she does. That’s where I had to give her some credit. I still would have greatly preferred she had some quality, some special asset, something that sets her apart from the rest. Other than smelling great. And somehow blocking Edward’s mind-reading. There’s the foundation for a long-lasting attraction… Oy.

Which brings me to subpart Edward. Oh, Edward. Whatever are you thinking? Edward is painted as this infallible, god-like, angel of all things perfection and yet he’s obsessed with Bella? Am I the only one who sees a disconnect there? Do I need to take another vote? Geez, even Bella would be on my team, in that case… I guess Edward isn’t totally perfect when you take into account his taste (heh) in women, but still, author? You couldn’t have given him any flaws? I enjoyed Edward’s character, don’t get me wrong (I mean seriously, having Cedric Diggory taking the reins would make just about any role fairly captivating), but I really think he would have been more interesting if he’d had some short-comings. And no, his struggle not to drain Bella at a moment’s notice doesn’t really count in my opinion. It definitely makes the story more intriguing that he struggles with that, but it’s not really an inherent flaw and he totally overcomes it in no time at all.

I guess my main quibble with Edward’s perfection is a quibble with Stephanie Meyer’s conception of vampire legend overall. As far as the lore behind mythical, incredible beings like vampires, werewolves, and even superheroes is that they have extraordinary gifts, but also extraordinary restrictions. There’s always something that can defeat them. Vampires can’t go out in the daylight, werewolves have the whole moon conundrum to deal with, kryptonite brings down the indestructible hero… But with Stephanie Meyer’s construction, Edward and his fellow vamps really don’t have anything that can destroy them (aside from apparently being torn apart and burned, which, o-kay…). I hate to think that she did this so that it could be his love for Bella that is his only Achilles heel, but I fear that was the intention. I can see where she made this call, wanting his love for her to be more dangerous, more powerful, and more of a litmus test for his commitment, but it also makes Bella seem even more pathetic and unlikable and Edward seem even more inexplicably idiotic. I think it would have been far more interesting to retain some of the vampire lore that existed previously. Meyer’s take on the concept all seems a little too convenient.

I genuinely thought she was retaining the “vampires can’t go out in direct sunlight” concept until the rather unfortunate “date” between Bella and Edward in the clearing… Thicket? Meadow? Whatever. Okay, not only does Edward not burst into flames as all good vampires would, but rather, he glistens? Seriously? That’s why he can’t go out in the sun?! “No, Edward! Don’t come out in the sun! You might… sparkle!!!” The first thing that popped into my head was Tobias when he borrowed Lindsay’s diamond dust. That made me think of Bella as the Ann Veal of the novel and for the rest of the book, every time Edward would declare his love for Bella, I couldn’t help but think, “Her? Is she funny or something?” Which then made me think of George Michael telling his dad about the “Mayonegg” (“Isn’t that cute?” “Is it?”) which would invariably crack me up and, uh, kinda, sorta ruin the “tender” moment. In a good way. ;)

Sadly, visions of Arrested Development were the only things that managed to make the sappy, cheesy, embarrassing professions of love a little less cringe-inducing to read. They were still cringe-inducing, don’t get me wrong, but I could at least distract myself with the Bluth family to ease the pain. Oh, the pain. The would-be love scenes made me feel like I was watching a Lifetime, made for TV movie (The Vampire in My Heart: One Girl’s Tale of Obsession and Sparkles), with the kind of scenes where I simply have to change the channel till it’s over. Yes, I would rather hear all about how “comcastic” my cable service can be rather than watch the awkwardidity. After this actually happened a few times, where I’d be compelled to change the channel to anything and end up on a Comcast commercial, I now lovingly refer to such scenes as “comcastic.” Twilight had more than its fair share of comcastic events, and yet I had no channel to change! I would end up cringing a bit, slightly closing the book, and then peeking at the page with an askance glance to scan for comcastic words and phrases… It worked most of the time, but that whole scene where she wakes up in her bedroom and he’s still there was just unavoidable. Prom as well. Oh, geez, with her standing on his feet! Oh, stop it! You’re embarrassing me! [Sorry, I was re-living it… Post-traumatic stress…] I really just had to power through those scenes… Sheesh.

Okay, I think that’s all the discussion I can muster regarding our two leads. Moving on! Although, let’s face it, there isn’t a whole lot to move on to… Whiny McFallsalot and Sparkles von Pastyface are so entirely, so exclusively focused on that the other characters in the book are hardly explored at all. Truly, some potentially captivating characters get the shaft. I don’t care about Bella’s father, or her mother (a point which makes it kind of hard to fear for her life toward the end—Renee who?), and it feels like I probably should if I’m going to sympathize with Bella’s choices during the third act. Her mother is hardly mentioned at all, other than vague references here and there, and her father is off fishing 80% of the time. In general, that would be fine, but when the whole third act revolves around Bella’s fears for her parents and the bad decisions that fear leads her to, I think it would have been much more successful if the reader really cared about these people. I would have had a much easier time seeing Bella's point of view if I were as concerned for these people as she claimed to be. From all accounts, the only person whose safety she really worries about is Edward, so when she’s pleading to return home to protect Charlie and running off to save her mother, Bella herself is the only one who’s really concerned, and the reader is just along for the ride.

I truly didn’t concern myself with Bella’s parents too much, and was fine with that for the most part, but I genuinely would have liked to have learned more about Edward’s little clan. I have no doubt they’ll be more illuminated in the volumes to come, but that doesn’t excuse ignoring them in volume one. For the most part, each of the vamps got a little bit of back-story and a little bit of action, but it’s the intra-family dynamic that strikes me as the most intriguing and was sadly, the most ignored. I think it would have been poetic and powerful (apparently today’s blog is brought to you by the letter “p”) to really explore Edward’s relationship with his family and show why they’re willing to risk everything for his happiness. It’s alluded to and referenced, but without knowing the other vamps, it smacks of plot exposition rather than poignancy. I think it would have been tremendous to build up their characters and then have their devotion to Edward and their concern for his happiness come across without words. I love moments in a story when it suddenly dawns on you what the characters’ motives are and no explanation is necessary. It’s best when it’s subtle. For me at least, that gives it all the more impact. As Twilight is written, however, the vampires’ motives are nothing more than a plot point, a simple device to move the story along, when they could have been so much more. Quite frankly, although Rosalie is depicted as the ice-queen bitch type, she instantaneously became my favorite character with the one and only sentence she speaks in the entire book, “What is she to me? Why are we risking everything for her sake?” What’s this?! Reason?! Logic?! Finally! All hail, ice queen!!! She only has one line, but it’s the only line in the whole book that actually makes sense. The other vamps seem to be as inexplicably enamored of Bella as Edward is and apparently they see her as inaccurately as well. Somehow Emmett seems to think she’s “diabolical.” Wow. Well, he is a big, brawny lug after all… Incisive insights into others probably isn’t his particular bailiwick. Bella is many things (you know, pathetic, needy, etc.), but “diabolical” she ain’t.

Okay, I’m really going to try to wrap this up. It just keeps getting longer and longer. Oy.

So I’m glad to hear that I’m not the only one who was confused by certain parts of the story. The story about Carlisle’s conversion and whatever happened to Alice were the parts that I was most confused by. Which, unfortunately, were two of the parts I was most interested in. After both descriptions I was hit by a “WTF?!” followed by a “Who did what in the where now?” I don’t know who her editor was, but I think she should invest in someone else. I had to re-read those parts a couple of times and I’m still not sure what exactly happened to Carlisle and where Alice was kept or why being in the dark would cause her not to remember the pain of the transition. On a related note, how were the tracker and Alice involved exactly? He bit her, but when? And where was she when this happened? I’m still not sure. Given that it was kind of an important part of the story, I would think it would have been more thoroughly discussed.

Speaking of which, did the whole ending kind of feel Scooby-Doo-esque to anyone else? I kept thinking, “Yeah, and I would have gotten away with it too if it hadn’t been for you meddling vampires ripping me to shreds and burning my dismembered corpse!” Whoa, that took a turn for the worse… Okay, so maybe not totally Scooby-Doo-esque, but close... The big finish was pretty underwhelming and the whole bit wit the VCR felt a little Lois Duncan-y (ahhh, that takes me back). Also, the 45 minute spiel about how he did it and why. I kept thinking, “Oh, you sly dog! You caught me monologuing!” Way to give the good guys plenty of time to catch you, bud. I don’t know, I guess I would have thought a tracker vampire or whatever he was would have come up with something a bit more aggressive and lot less bait and switchy. It just seemed like a bit of a cop-out. “Haha! It was a recording! Fooooled you!” The one redemptive aspect is that Bella felt genuinely relieved that her mother was safe, even if it meant she would soon die a painful death. That was genuinely endearing and really made for the best Bella expression of the book.

In conclusion (I know, finally, right?), I think the best plan of attack is to take the series for what it is. It’s cheesy and not terribly well-written and maybe that’s okay. For the quick, guilty pleasure that it is, it succeeds. As I finished the book, I wasn't swept up with exhilaration like I generally am after finishing a thick novel. It really felt more like the half-hour was over and I’d have to tune in next week for more wacky adventures. I think the real shame is that it could have been really good. I genuinely think this could have turned out to be a great book, but it falls short. Very short. Not that I’m not gearing up to read volume 2 or anything, but I wish I were spending my time on a pursuit that I knew would be rewarding, captivating, and powerful. There really is something to be said for the fact that the book has taken off like it has. That may not mean it’s a great work of literature, but it’s clearly striking a chord with people, and that’s not an easy feat. I guess I was just expecting a little more… which is likely why I’m being so critical.

Here’s hoping the next few books are a little deeper and little less comcastic. I'm not going to count my delicious T-cells until they've hatched... or something...

Overall Grade (taking into account that’s it’s aimed at tweens): C+