The Young and the Restless... and the Overprotective, the Annoying, and the Brutally Comcastic...

Another cheesy vampire novel read and another nausea-inducing bout of awkwarditity complete--all in one fell swoop (or as some guy I used to know would say, "one swell foop..." I now I have to think about every time to make sure I put the right thing... Thanks a lot, random dude...). I finished up Eclipse the other day and I just don't know that I have the intestinal fortitude for another volume... And, given the soap operatic ending this little gem had to offer, I have to assume Breaking Dawn is going to include, but not limited to, the following: amnesia, evil twins, sultry affairs (that somehow involve no sex whatsoever in Meyer's universe), long-lost fathers, quadruplets with who-knows-how-many different fathers, and at least one guy wearing an eye patch. But before all of that oy-veyishness is unleashed on Saturday (yes, I'm admitting right now that I know when the next one comes out, so stop giving me that hoity toity "So you ARE a fan!" smirk), I'd best get Eclipse out of my system (and it just might take some broad-spectrum anti-biotics... I mean, yikes). Annnd, I just checked the preview of this post and it's insanely long... I don't actually expect anyone to finish... Wow.

The book starts out with Bella being grounded (a term I'm only familiar with in theory... (re-cy-cle?)). Okay, right off the bat, I just have to know: Is Bella's experience with her parents what most people experience? Because I tell ya what, wow/oy/yikes/blah/where's a gun when you need one?! The first couple chapters focus on Bella being grounded, under a strict curfew, and only allowed to see Edward for scheduled amounts of time. Charlie is basically dictating what she does, when she does it, and with whom, treating her more like livestock than an actual person. If that's what having parents is really like, I seriously lucked out. Good night, no wonder people hate their parents and want to move away from home as soon as possible! Does crap like being grounded actually work? I can't help but think it would do little more than piss kids off and compel them to be even worse--not better. Charlie, this little diatribe is aimed at you, Controlio di Overprotectivemuch? You know you're in trouble when your nickname is a question... And apparently Charlie is Italian all of a sudden (from the charming hilltop town of "Overprotectivemuch?" I hear it's lovely this time of year--well fortified)... (If Bella and Edward couldn't escape my monikers, then lame-ass, crappy parent Charlie certainly isn't going to get off the hook.)

Anyway, having never been so much as sent to my room before, I found Charlie's actions completely ludicrous, utterly insulting, and, I would have thought, completely ineffective. She's 18 years old! Sheesh! I spent the whole chapter thinking, "How dare you tell her what to do?! Where do you get off telling her whom she can and cannot associate with?! Just who do you think you are?!" It's a good thing my parents were more of the laissez faire (which I spelled correctly on the first try... Oh, yeah) school of raising children, or I never would have survived. In response to my eldest brother climbing out his window in the middle of the night (damaging the window frame in the process) to go hang out with hooligans, my mother's response was something along the lines of, "Oh, for crying out loud, just use the front door next time..." Heh. I love my mom. :) Say what you will about parents who are their kids' friends instead of authority figures, but of the four kids in my family, we have no drug addicts, criminal offenses, knocked-up teenagers, high school drop-outs, runaways, drunken frat boys, Britney Spearseses, Columbian drug lords, or, most loathed of all, cheerleaders or football studs [insert cold shudder] (Can you tell what my high school experience was like? I try to be so cryptic...). Not a bad record, you have to admit. AND, parents who treat their children with respect and view them as autonomous individuals get to play Bag o' Credit Cards in the future. My mom has a copy of all our credit cards and basically just swirls her hand around in her purse to pull out the winning (or in this case, paying) card (bing! bing! bing! bing! bing!--that's supposed to be the sound of a slot machine, but I'm thinking it came across more like a trolley... of course, if my mum wanted a San Francisco treat, I'd certainly oblige).

If Bella had a brain in her head (which is a big, huge, colossal, practically impossible "if), Charlie wouldn't even have a chance at playing Bag o' Credit Cards. He's been an absent father for years, hardly knows anything about his own daughter, spends all his time watching ESPN (a clear felony in my book), and only speaks to his daughter in relation to whatever his little maid has prepared for dinner... And now, he wants to be all parent-y? I don't think so! Oh, and then he decides Bella, his 18 year old daughter (I reiterate because this fact seems to be lost on Charlie), is in need of a sex talk. Okay, your about a decade late, moron. "I am your father. I have responsibilities." Oh, please gag me (oh, wow, 80's flashback--pretty sure I'm going to have buy some moose and leg warmers after that). Apparently he watched a couple of episodes of Dr. Phil between the uh, Phillies and Raiders (?) games. (That's baseball, right? No? Hockey? Badminton? Anyone? Beuller? Whatever...) And, most sadly of all, that particular exchange was somehow the least awkward sex-related conversation in the book... more on that later--assuming I can stand to write about it--it was bad enough reading it...

Alas, Charlie's craptacularity is making Renee look better and better, and we hardly have any basis for her character whatsoever. Way to set the bar as low as possible, Charlie. Meyer has made a central character in Bella's life completely unsympathetic, uninteresting, and little more than an obnoxious roadblock to more compelling storylines. Upon hearing that a vampire had been in her room, but left Charlie untouched, I was so disappointed (you mean Santa didn't come this year?). They just don't make blood-sucking monsters like they used too [said all wistfully and nostalgically]... Vamps these days, I tell ya. They just can't do anything right. They need some role models. They need to set some goals, reach for the skies, give 110%, exanguinate Charlie... A girl can dream. :) Anyway, that Bella put up with any of his crap was completely shocking to me. I would have fought back in the most annoying, passive aggressive, coniving manner possible. Charlie would suddenly find that every dinner tastes like feet (Joey: "Well, I like it..."), all his left socks have disappeared to that pesky vortex that seems to suck them out of the dryer, those damn salt and pepper shaker lids could just never actually get screwed on all the way, and every question he'd ask would be answered with another question (preferrably one about autonomy, sovereignty or civil liberties). "Bella, do you know where the remote is?" [let's face it, that's something he would ask] "I don't know Dad, do you know why the caged bird sings?" And then just stare at him with my arms folded and eyebrows raised, as though I wouldn't tell him where the remote was till he came up with the correct answer. It wouldn't take more than a few days to break him... Muahahaha... That'll learn him to tell me what to do! (Huh, after this little diatribe, I think I may have pin-pointed some deep-seeded issues with authority... It's just a hunch, though... Again, so cryptic.)

Perhaps Charlie's actions wouldn't have been so irksome if he hadn't had company in his lunacy... Yeah, speaking of being overprotective, Edward needed to be smacked around a little bit (by a wrecking ball or blow torch or a semi or something) at the beginning of this volume. Geez, what's with all the fellas being terminally priggish!? (I've gone all 80's and suddenly British with this post so far--can't wait for, uh, suffragette(?) to crop up...) Okay, I realize she's developed some sort of Edward-based diabetes or soemthing, but that's really no excuse for her lack of backbone. If Edward had totally lied to me again and again about important things like Alice's apocalyptic visions (which, how sad is it that the readers can always tell when Edward's lying and we're not even there--what book is Bella reading?), refused to trust my assessments, and disabled my car in order to trap me, ooooh, let me tell you, it would be war. Bring it, bitch! The worst part has to be the condescension attached to all those actions, though. All that "it's for your own safety" ridiculousness should drive anyone crazy, but Bella, sweet, head made of coconut, Bella. She's uppity for all of about 10 minutes, then totally devolves into the wet bag of flour that we all know and can't stand.

"Shut your window if you want me to stay away tonight. I'll understand," Edward tells her. Oh, "you'll understand," will you? Gee, thanks... That's so very considerate of you! I think I'm falling in love with you all over again! For a moment, she shuts the damn window and I was thrilled to see she was finally showing some fiest... but that moment passed. Very, very quickly. With a sigh, and a total loss of her last shred of dignity, Bella "opened the window as wide as it would go." I was pissed and completely irked... but then I thought of Edward fluttering in through her window like Mr. Burns did in Smithers' fantasy and the giggling overshadowed the wrath. Good times. Anyway, I'd have kept the damn window shut. I mean, it's not like Edward broke into his girlfriend's email or anything (you know who you are), but still... Oh, we'd be so done. I'd start messing with Edward and Alice just as I would with Charlie. I'm not a "let it go"/"pick your battles" kind of gal. I'm more of a "fight to the death, annoy them into submission with childish mind games" kind of gal (i.e. the very best kind of gal possible). I'd employ the simple things like waxing nostalgic about Jacob, constantly looking at wolfish-lookin' puppies (well, I kind of do that already...), taking the diabetes idea and running with it (i.e. getting a testing kit and casually claiming that "it's necessary!"), deciding that I'm going to go "work on my tan" every other day, hanging out in the blood bank parking lot ("you know, for kicks!"), going through the whole list of "50 fun things to do at Wal-Mart" just to embarrass the hell out of them, taking advantage of the fact that he can't read my mind and start in on the "50 fun ways to confuse people" (which, can I just say? Walking into an elevator and not turning around to face the doors is a classic). Oh, the list goes on and on. The "50 mind-blowingly annoying ways to piss off a vampire" email forward is well under construction. I can be quite the pest when properly provoked--you've been warned (Mr. Olsen, I'm lookin' in your direction...). :) But, Bella, our resident doormat, totally lets him off the hook. Grrrr... (Annnnnd, I think we may have just nailed down why I'm single... Very single... Oh, come now, who wouldn't want a piece of this action?! With that particular brand of insanity on the table, the boys should come a-runnin'! Oh, I am a truly sad, sorry individual...) That she lets him off the hook just makes the reader frustrated with Bella and even more annoyed with Edward. Alice wasn't too high on my list for at least 80 or 90 pages either. Ugh. It was a long few chapters. Sometimes I really think Meyer is hell-bent on making me want Victoria to win...

Wow, we aren't even half-way there. There's a reason this took a while, Ann. The Canoodler is just going to have to wait...

So with Charlie and Edward both competing for the biggest prick award at home, Bella finally makes a break for it! Yay! But she ends up in La Push listening to boring stories... Um, yay? It was really nice to have Jacob back in the picture, especially when all the other characters were being condescending and deceitful. I'm guessing that was Meyer's intent. As a means of making the reader really want to pull for Jacob (if they hadn't been already), she makes Edward and company authority figures who are smothering her with restrictions, all for "her own good." Meyer essentially posits the vampires in the "controlling parents" corner and makes Jacob's honesty, casualness, and sense of fun and recklessness all the more appealing (particularly to her target audience, teenagers). Granted Jacob has his prejudices, but he tells her the truth when no one else is. Edward eventually lets up, but not before Meyer has made Jacob the straightforward rebel who respects and trusts Bella enough to tell her what's going on. To create a character who can compete with Edward's brooding, sophisticated, mysteriousness and statue of David physique isn't an easy feat, but her characterization of Jacob is actually quite successful. That he shows up out of the blue to recue her from her boyfriend-imposed prison and wisks her away on a motorcycle (an item close to Bella's heart) makes his character all the more appealing. The reader is faced with a real decision about whether they're going to root for Team Edward or Team Jacob, which, given Edward's build-up, is not an easy thing to do. Well done, Meyer (whoa, whoa, my reserved, front row seats in Hell just got snowed on! What good is an eternity of fire and brimstone if I still have to shovel? That would truly be Hell, indeed).

I was really enjoying the Edward/Jacob juxtaposition, and relishing the freedom associated with her friendship with Jacob when the ancient warrior stories (epics) began... I tried to care about the spirit warriors, I really did... but, after what felt like about 50 pages of soporific history lessons, I just couldn't take it. After every paragraph, I could hear Loralei in my head saying, "I four fourths don't care." (In reference to Kirk's request for coffee that was three fourths caffeinated, one fourth decaf.) But the stories continued. And continued. And my mind drifted. And drifted. Then shut down completely (so really, it kind of felt like I was at work). Blah, blah, blah, spirit warriors. I four fourths don't care!!! Yada, yada, yada, patriarchal nonsense. Ohhh, the patriarchal nonsense (which is only slightly mitigated by Leah becoming a werewolf). I don't care what the institution, I'm all about equal rights and representation. In these ancient werewolf stories, the women are basically relegated to the role of Scooby Snacks and Snausages to distract the vampires with. Yes, that's correct, ladies and gentlemen. Bait. All the women are is bait. They hold the same hallowed, revered position as grubs, worms, and Focusyn under a box that's held up with a stick (vague Simpsons reference--good luck with that). When the vampires come to town, apparently the contingency plan is to have some useless maiden cut herself as a distraction. "Oh no, it's the cold ones! Quick, get the womenfolk! We need a bleeder!" Gee. Thanks. It's so nice to be needed... This is all reinforced by the fact that they can list every male member of the tribe, including Utlapa, Yut, Yaha Uta, Taha Aki and about 15 others (seriously, I'm pretty sure there was a Chief Wannahockaloogie in there somewhere--from the Australian branch of the Quiletes, no doubt), but they can't remember any of the women's names, most notably "the third wife." They herald her sacrifice, but are basically left calling her "the third wife" because no one bothered to learn her name. Nice. Real nice. What, was "what's her face" already taken? Oy. Some tribute. I do like that this fact really did bother Bella quite a lot, because it sure bothered me. Hey, Tasty Snausage #3 was a pivotal part of the Quileutes history, fellas. She deserves a little credit... even if all she was really allowed to do was bleed all over ("Oh, what are you gonna do, bleed on me?!")

Having endured all the werewolf lore the readers could handle, Meyer decided to finally throw us a bone and give some back story on some of the vamps, Rosalie and Jasper, to be exact. Well, I thought I was being thrown a bone (Yay! She's finally going to tell us something!), but ended up get smacked in the face with it (Yay! Some backstory! Wait... what the hell?! Oh, crap... Meyer!). We'll begin with Rosalie. Having read about 1300 pages of this series without having an ounce of backstory for Rosalie, I constructed one of my own. I needed to have some compelling motives behind her actions and I didn't care if I had to create them myself. It was necessary, to be honest. So in my world, Rosalie and Edward had much more involved history. She had always been enamored of Edward and they had had some sort of entanglements in the past. But, Edward was never as interestd in Rosalie as she was with him, so he ended things. Hurt and rejected, Rosalie sought out Emmett and convinced herself she loved him, but still harbored feelings (and resentments) for Edward. So, when she tells Edward that Bella is dead in New Moon, it's a sinister, heart-breaking, and darkly poetic action that's filled with meaning and history. She's hurting Edward after he hurt her. Deep down, she's morbidly pleased that Edward will be left all alone, because if she can't have him, no one should. She still cares for him very deeply, and secretly wishes he'd choose her. She sees Bella's death as an opportunity. She knows it will hurt him to find out, but she sees it as her only chance. It also explains her coldness toward Bella, who's her competition, and makes Edward's reaction to Rosalie's initial rebuke ("Why are we risking our lives for her?") where he simply falls quiet and doesn't argue, poignant and emotional. He knows he hurt her in the past and has no right to ask this of her... That's how I constructed things and was quite enjoying the story I had been forced to build...

In Meyer's world, however, Rosalie is so much much more one-dimensional, and consequently, much less interesting. I was very excited to finally learn about her character for real, but found Meyer's explanation to be a let-down. She's made what could have been a smart, fiery character and made her a silly debutant with silly wishes and unattainable dreams. I thought the story of her conversion into a vampire was fairly compelling, but it was the bare bones of who she is that fell flat for me. If I hadn't been forced to build a narrative for her, I don't think I would have found it as jarring, but when the author doesn't tell you a damn thing for well over 1000 pages, a reader's gotta do what a reader's gotta do (cue clip of Rambo strapping his headband on). Rosalie's reasons for not thinking Bella should become a vampire an intrinsic to her story, but I don't find them convincing for this character or particularly compelling. She was a brainless socialite who wanted to marry rich and grow old with her husband and children at her side. In and of itself, it's a fine enough goal for one's life. But for someone like Rosalie, who has based her entire existence on being admired and fauned over, that growing old would be a part of her vision isn't consistent with who she is. The shallow, conceited Rosalie that Meyer has constructed would never have withstood growing old and haggard and losing the adoration of her peers. Either Rosalie is kidding herself, or Meyer's construction is flawed. It's probably a little bit of both. That Rosalie thinks that she would have gotten her happy ending if she hadn't become a vampire is ludicrous, and anyone who has been around for as long as she has would know that there are no happy endings. Not for vampires, but certainly not for humans either. What a let down. (The story of her dispatching of Royce and company in a wedding dress was kind of fun though--very Kill Bill. Niiiice. Get him, Uma! I mean, Rosalie!) (Rosalie has always reminded me of Daisy from Dead Like Me in many ways, so she's the one I cast in the role--that's not a great picture of her, but you get the idea.)

Speaking of disconcerting, late, jarring backstories, hey look, it's Jasper! Soooo, when they said Jasper was from the Southwest, I was thinking Arizona... Yeah, no. He's from Texas. Wait, let me try that again--it needs the proper inflection. Ahem. Jasper's from TEXAS?!? WTF?!? Ah, that's better. You have no idea how bummed I was to find this out (especially after all this time). I thought that with him being from Arizona, his past might somehow intersect with Bella's present and that could be really cool! Yeah, not so much. And to find out that he's a soldier?! Even worse! I had built a character in my head that I really, really liked and who had a hell of a lot of potential, and now I have to give him a Southern drawl and military tendencies? Oh, Meyer. That's cold. I had lovingly cast River Phoenix in the role of Jasper and could hear the impudent charm of his voice in my head... Now that he's from Texas and a military expert (which is a pre-existing condition in my book), I have to pick a whole new persona for him! The worst part was trying to pick a new voice. The only references I have for a Southern accent are our loathesome president (whom I had to rule out because Jasper can actually complete a sentence), Matthew McConaughey, Holly Hunter, and Yosemite Sam. So unless I wanted Jasper to sound like a woman or be the rootinest tootinest vampire in the West, I was going to have to go with McConaughey. Oh, great. Now Jasper's going to sound completely stoned all the time and will never be able to find his shirt. After all was said and done, I decided to just keep my dearly departed River Phoenix in the role and pretend that Meyer hadn't disrupted my universe so late in the game. Blah.

The following discussion may not be suitable for all readers. Those who possess a weak stomach, sense of decency, or knowledge of awkwarditity are asked to proceed with caution. After my review of New Moon, I had been warned by Debbie that if lines like, "Which is tempting you more, my blood or my body?" made me a ill, then Eclipse would cause my head to explode. I had NO IDEA how serious she was being... Oh, the humanity! It's as though Stephanie Meyer has been reading my, um, glowing reviews of her books and, upon hearing that the comcastic events nearly killed me, decided to finish me off... And she totally almost succeeded, let me tell you.

I had to read the chapter called "Compromise" in three sittings it was so painful. The whole rest of the book was squared away in about that many sittings, but that one, agonizing chapter just about did me in. Round 1, Meyer uses lines like, "His bedroom? 'Sure,' I agreed, feeling quite devious as I wound my fingers through his. 'Let's go.'" and "'My heart is just as silent,' he mused. 'And it, too, is yours.'" to start things off slowly. A bit painful, sure, but bearable. More saccharine than agonizing. Then Meyer starts to bring the pain with Bella, talking about the time after she becomes a vampire, "I'm afraid I'll be so preoccupied with the mayhem that I won't be me anymore...and that I won't...I won't want you the same way I do now." Then, with a mighty right hook, the description of the action alone is enough to make me shut the book, "His lips were gentle agains mine, and I could tell his mind was elsewhere--trying to figure out what was on my mind. I decided he needed a hint. My hands were slightly shaky as I unlocked my arms from around his neck. My fingers slid down his neck to the collar of his shirt. The trembling didn't help as I tried to hurry to undo the buttons before he stopped me." Oh, man alive! I had this disturbing vision of Bella in full-on Lucille Ball mode when she's working at the candy factory and the conveyor belt is moving too fast (only instead of chocolates, it's buttons). Oh, geez, then she starts unbuttoning her own top and it's all down hill from there, folks. I had to take a break no more than 5 pages in to this horrendous chapter.

Round 2, Bella feels all rejected and Edward clocks me with statements like, "You know that I want you... Of course I do, you silly, beautiful, oversensitive girl... You're too desirable for your own good." (Perhaps charming to her own detriment? Hehe, sorry, Ann.) He's clearly delusional, so I'm trying to go easy on him, but geez, try going easy on me! Then it gets worse. Oh, so much worse. The second part of Round 2 made me suffer through painfully awkward accounts of how Edward might kill Bella if they had sex [insert wincing]. "Bella, I could kill you." He's just too much for her to handle... annnd, statements like that are just too much for me to handle. [The following to be read in smarmy, hulking, arrogant jackass leading man voice-- pistol winks included--Just read it in Captain Hammer's voice]: "Bella, sugar pie, you just can't handle this kind of action. I don't know my own strength. I'm a virile, powerful stallion and you're a delicate tulip who's too fragile to pluck..." Okay, so Edward didn't say that, but it's not too far off! Oh, it's just so painful!

Round 3, good god I hope there are only 3 rounds, ushered in the begging. The pathetic, awkward, uncomfortable, quick-shut-the-book-and-head-for-the-hills begging. "Please. It's all I want. Please." But, but, but ALL the other kids got a choo-choo train for Christmas! It hurts. It physically hurts. Oh, man, Round 3 then devolved into a harlequin romance and made me want to kill myself. If I have to (get to?) sleep with Edward in order for death to come swiftly, then so be it! "One of his hands still cupped my face, his other arm was tight around my waist, straining me closer to him. It made it slightly more difficult as I tried to reach the front of my shirt, but not impossible." Way to keep reaching for that rainbow, deary. "Bella, would you please stop trying to take your clothes off?" "Do you want to do that part?" Oh, geez! Out of the blue, Meyer starts kicking me in the shins! Oh, so awkward! I can't take it! I can't take it!

Round 4 (no such luck on there only being 3 rounds). I am now weak, battered and bruised, but the hits just keep on coming. Meyer's conservative upbringing has hampered the whole chapter, but now it really comes blazing across the page as she concocts some ridiculous reason why these two need to be married before they have sex. Murdering people, deceit, violence, aggression, and selfishness are all fine and dandy, but pre-marital sex?! Noooooo! Someone really needs to sort her priorities out... Wow. Edward is suddenly concerned about eveyone's souls and thinks that sex is the reason he's not getting in to heaven? Are ya kidding me? A loving act between two consenting adults? Oh, well obviously that should get a ticket straight to Hell. I just don't understand whe the big deal is. With Meyer at the helm, I had to expect it would be ludicrous, but I never expected it to be this painful. Oh man, and then he proposes and Meyer is basically sitting on me and pulling my hair at that point. Make it stop!

Oh, and can I just say? Edward is so completely confident that he'll still be in love with Bella after she becomes a vampire, but I ain't buyin' it. He claims that it's not her scent that he's in love with, but that means he apparently hasn't read the first 1500 pages of the series (oh, sorry, "saga"). Good luck with that...

That's all I can muster on this subject... Meyer has beaten me. That's enough, that's enough! You win! After that agonizing chapter, after the left hooks and the hair-pulling, she finished me off. I died (and not in the charmingly tawdry Shakespearean way--I'm not sure that would be possible after such a chapter).

I lay there lifeless, bruised, and beaten for while, then forced myself to soldier on... Rising from the depths of awkward teen sex with a religious bent, I began to read again some time later... Little did I know I would find even more of a soap opera than when I left... :( So yeah, now Bella is in love with Edward and Jacob. Oh, goodie...

I swear I'm wrapping this up, I really do. So yeah, Jacob's in love with Bella, Bella is love with Edward, but after a fairly bizarre night in a tent and a kiss Bella was duped into, it turns out she's in love with Jacob as well. Ooooh, I can't wait for Jacob's evil twin brother Striker to get here! It's gonna be good. ;) Anyway, Meyer does her best to make a case for both of these guys, and largely succeeds (soap operatic elements notwithstanding). It'll be interesting to see where she takes this in the next volume, but I'm not sure I can handle reading another one of her books, so I may never know. Bella seems pretty secure in her obsessive "I can't live without Edward!!!!" hysteria, so any case Meyer makes for Jacob comes across as kind of moot. The main area of interest and contention among Bella's suitors is that her devotion to Edward means she'll be sacrificing her humanity. I'm guessing Meyer is going to really focus on that fact in the coming novel, positing the relatively normal life she could have with Jacob against the total transformation she'll have with Edward. I'm kind of over the drama at this point, so whatever. The fact that she ended this book with an epilogue from Jacob's perspective tells me he'll either be written out of the story (doubtful) or will play a pivotal role in Breaking Dawn. Okay, that epilogue? It kind of sucked. Meyer is just not a very good writer. The voice she uses for Jacob is exactly the same voice she uses for Bella. If ya can't write well enough to stay in character, DON'T use first person narration! I know we've been over this, Meyer... Either Bella and Jacob are even more kindredly spirited than we thought, or you're a one-note author who can't branch out. Methinks the latter...

We're nearing the end folks! Final paragraph! Cookies and doughnuts in the copy area for people who made it this far!

Overall, I enjoyed Eclipse quite a bit more than New Moon. The basic plotline was much more interesting and the final few chapters with the battle royale were pretty compelling (as compelling as they can be when we're stuck out in the woods with Bella's perspective). It also had its seriously irksome qualities. While I can appreciate Bella's reluctance to have Edward go off in to battle, that she would have the nerve, the selfishness to make him stay behind, thereby putting everyone else in even more danger is just unforgivable. That Edward so readily agrees is just as bad. But I guess if he hadn't stayed behind, Bella wouldn't have gotten to play the choice role of Tasty Snausage #4, so all would have been lost. As much as I would have hated to see anyone but Charlie get killed off, I think Meyer should have killed one of the Cullens. I think it would have been particularly effective to have killed of Emmett, the brashest and biggest of the bunch. That would have made for a very interesting dynamic among Bella, Edward, and the rest of the Cullens. Plus, after her selfish behavior, she deserves the guilt. Opportunities to make this series really engaging and dynamic keep presenting themselves and Meyer just keeps taking the easy way out. No good.

Okay, that's all I can stands, I can't stands no more. I realize the next book comes out on Saturday, but I think I might need a week off before I jump on in. I don't even want to know what the honeymoon holds in store... Oh geez, the very thought of the writing in that chapter is already making my face hurt. Alas, I am spent.