I hate that show! And yet...

...I keep watching. Sometimes you just can't help yourself.

Hello my darling blog-readers (both of you). I kind of fell of the radar for a while there, but it has nothing to do with TV. If anything, TV is one of the few things keeping me from hurling myself in front of a bus. For various, mostly health-related reasons, my life has fallen apart around me, now largely comprised of teeny, tiny shards of bitterness and ugly crying. I finally gave up on ever feeling better ever again about a month ago and kinda, sorta stopped caring about most aspects of my life. Including blogging. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, even TV lost some of its luster and my enthusiasm for ranting and raving about it on this blog fell by the wayside. Seriously, you know those commercials for anti-depressants that have people sitting by windows wearing cable-knit sweaters and staring off into space? And then a sad, but eager dog walks into the room with a ball or a leash or something and the person feels even worse? That's pretty much where I've been lately. I always thought those ads were just cheesy, but after the year I've had, I've honestly starting thinking that maybe, just maybe, depression hurts, but Cymbalta can help. Well played, manipulative advertisers!

Anyway, that's all really just a preamble to the actual blogpost about shows I hate, but still watch. Unless of course, you majored in English and assume that I'm viewing my own experiences through the lens of television, translating the pathetic heap that is my life into a theoretical construct whereby I'm the star of my own show and it's a show I hate. 'Cause, you know, that's just how we roll. My inability to stop watching or help myself is manifested in the kind of show that you wish you could break up with, but simply can't. Much like these!:

PARENTHOOD
My brother and I both end up watching this show, but note frequently how much we hate it. My willingness to watch a show that annoys the ever-loving shit out of me somewhat spurs from the fact that the show is in an uncrowded timeslot (now that The Good Wife has moved to Sundays), but more than anything, this show is, far and away, the show I most love talking about just how much I hate it. There are just so many layers and facets to my hatred for the show! How could I give that up? The girls at work and I rehash the shows many non-sensical fights, juvenile decision-making skills, and impatient story-telling with a fair bit of fervor the following day and while the show drives me up the effing wall, the discussions make it all worth it. Why do I hate this show that show many critics and fans adore? The short version is that 1) the adults on this show act like petulant junior high school students, 2) the show has a sprawling cast of annoying characters, only a few of which do I care about, and most important of all, 3) the writers refuse to take their time. I could forgive a lot of the ridiculous fighting between family members (although holy shit, if my family fought this often, I'd have killed myself years ago) if the reasons for the fights were established in a more logical, deliberate fashion. Most recently, the show introduced Rachel, the young sexy secretary at the Luncheonette, much to the chagrin of new-mom Christina. Okay, fine. Sure it's a story that's as old as time, but I tried to be open-minded. Turns out, I should have been more cautious. The writers could have established Rachel over time as a real person that the audience actually cares about, but instead they tossed her into the mix as a cardboard cut-out sexpot with no personality or individuality. What's worse, they went for the inappropriate kiss with Adam like, the next week. Even worse than that, the writers immediately turned Christina's and Adam's marriage nuclear as a result. UGH. More than anything, I hate Parenthood because it could be so, so good, and it just isn't. The writers refuse to let the tension build, they seem pathologically unable to set up conflicts that make a whole lot of sense, and they go straight for the explosion without even lighting the fuse. If this were a comedy, they'd be hitting the punchline without telling the joke. When you deliver the punchline early, it's not funny. When you jump to the knock-down, drag-out argument without establishing the reasons, it loses most of its impact. This is basically the boy who cried wolf, only with childish, petty adults bitching at one another over nothing. After a while, you just stop listening. Had the writers taken their time with the Rachel storyline, played is slowly and subtly, allowing viewers to become invested in her as a character and allowing Christina's suspicions and insecurities build, the fight between her and Adam could have been devastating and gripping. As is, it's just another Tuesday at the Braverman house where Christina is the stereotypical nag and her husband is the hapless saint. Man alive, you'd think that people who fight this often would be better at it, but most of Christina's arguments fell flat or had no foundation and that just makes her unlikable and unsympathetic. When I take a step back and build up the necessary foundation in my head for Christina's instability and nervous breakdown, it honestly does make sense to me. But as it's presented, it just feels like the writers were too afraid to really examine what's going on with her and just went for the fireworks instead. For me, watching someone's gradual breakdown is far more gripping than a bickering match, but maybe that's just me. Shows like Breaking Bad and The Good Wife take their time. They slow-play the tension for as long as they can, tightening the noose, turning the knife, till the conflict boils over. When that's where an argument comes from, it's mesmerizing. With Parenthood? It's pat. I would love for the writers to take a chance on subtlety and let the storylines really simmer for a while. Were I writing the Rachel arc, I would have established her as a person the audience actually cares about while at the same time illuminating Adam's frustrations with his marriage and Christina's insecurities. When the time came for the kiss (assuming I'm following the basic structure they already took), I would have had the circumstances be more ambiguous. As is, this poor girl got drunk, pretty much accidentally kissed her boss and felt completely foolish over the whole thing. I'm sorry, that's just not grounds for World War III even if Adam did lie to her about firing Rachel. If I were writing this, I would have had the kiss be more of a kiss, made Adam's response to it more conflicted and uncertain, then had him downplay it's importance to Christina (assuming we live in a world where he ever would have told her in the first place). That way, when he and Christina fight, she's had time to get more and more justifiably concerned about the situation, he's had time to get conflicted about his own feelings, and Rachel is someone whose fate I'm actually invested in. When you go straight for the big finish, I don't sympathize with Christina, Adam just seems like a dolt, and I can barely remember Rachel's name. The show really could be awesome, much like the executive producer's previous project Friday Night Lights, but instead, it seems like an abridged Lifetime movie or a never-ending serious of "previously on" clips. It has its moments, it really does (Julia has been about 800% more likable this year), it just doesn't use those to make the series as good as it could be. Great bones to work with, frustrating-as-hell execution. Particularly in the hair and make-up this year.

HOW I MET YOUR MOTHER
I've actually hated this show for a couple of years now, but god help me, I just keep watching. This one mostly boils down to time commitment. It's literally 21 minutes out of my week, so even though most episodes are pretty disappointing, and even though this season has flown even more off the rails than ever, it's just so damn easy to keep going. I think the recent revelation that Robin is pregnant was the final straw for me though. UGH. Are you kidding me?! So awful, so stupid, so... everything. I could go on and on about this, but I'll try to keep it short. I used to adore Robin as a character. I watched an episode from back in the day last night and it was like a sobering punch in the face, highlighting in excruciating detail what the writers have done to a character I once adored. I loved having a female character on TV who wasn't a simpering idiot, a dependent damsel, or a stereotypical lonely single woman who just wants to get married and have babies. She was smart, funny, easy-going, and wanted to live her life on her own terms. Now? Jesus, the hollow husk that is Robin is basically unrecognizable, and that's not just because of her hideous hair and clothes this season. What the hell happened to her? She somehow became this high-strung, irritating, shrill caricature who has ended up pregnant and doesn't seem to know what to do. Luckily, she became the polar opposite of who her character used to be at exactly the same time Barney became the antithesis of who he used to be! What a crazy, random happenstance! Look, I'm not saying that people can't change over time, but Robin's erratic meltdown over being pregnant and Barney's newfound love of relationships and babies is just ridiculous. If Robin really is who she used to be, a smart, savvy, independent woman who doesn't want children, she'd have an abortion and be done with it. I know, I know, this is a comedy where things like actual reality apparently never happen, but if that's the case, then maybe you shouldn't have such a character get pregnant. The Robin I once knew wouldn't fall apart like this, she'd take charge, terminate the pregnancy she never wanted and wouldn't have the children she can't stand. Barney would have been completely on board with this plan. The new and not improved versions of these characters will, I'm sure, go through with the pregnancy and never even mention abortion as an option. It's infuriating. God, it's like in Knocked Up where she ends up pregnant after a one-night stand, doesn't want the child, knows it will derail her life, and yet, what can ya do? It's not like there's a way to end a pregnancy or anything. Dear How I Met Your Mother, what the hell happened? When did you forget who these characters are and how to write for them? When did you decide that you didn't care enough about your female characters to give them anything beyond the stereotype (Lily has turned into quite a peach as well)? I've wanted to break up with this show for years now, what with the identity of the mother seemingly 34 seasons away, but there's always just enough to keep me tethered. I stopped caring about Ted ages ago (who?), and the rest of the cast have turned into irritating caricatures of themselves, but in spite of all that, there's always just enough to enjoy. It still has its moments, I grant that. But the crazy train of pregnant Robin might be more than I can stomach. So disappointing. So stupid. I'd say so jump-the-sharky, but we passed that milestone ages ago.

HART OF DIXIE
Oh dear god, this show is terrible. And my excuse for continuing to watch could not be flimsier. Quite simply put, it's in the dreariest timeslot on the least-crowded night of the week. Literally, it has no competition at all. That is the only reason I watch it. I don't even have a season pass. I just take a look at what's on, find out that there's nothing, and begrudgingly watch this show. The second anything else appears, this one's a goner. I never had anything even resembling high hopes for this one, but with the creative team in mind, I was hopeful that maybe I was wrong. I most certainly was not. It's just so, so bad. The set-up is completely lame, Rachel Bilson, god bless her, is a truly terribly actor, and there's absolutely no narrative drive to speak of. It's basically just a random small town with some stereotypes living there where some meaningless events happen and no one cares. None of the characters are interesting or endearing (particularly Zoe) and the writers just can't seem to get a bead on how to make this show work. The whole fish-out-of-water thing was old before the show even started, but they just keep at it. Dear show, that horse is dead. Worst of all, they use the sets from Gilmore Girls and True Blood. On the one hand, one of the only good things about this show is that you get to remember episodes of far better shows when they walk by Lane's house or have a beer at Merlotte's, but on the other, much bigger hand, it reminds you of shows you'd rather be watching. Sigh. It's hardly worth even mentioning. This show is so insignificant and the writing is so poor that it's truly embarrassing to admit to watching it. The real takeaway lesson learned with this one is that Rachel Bilson is Summer Roberts. That wasn't acting at all. And the day I believe Summer Roberts is a cardiovascular surgeon is the day I officially hand in my professional television watcher membership. If nothing else, I'll know better than to give a show with her as the star a chance. She could maybe work with a true ensemble, but this show has a weak anchor and hardly any supporting players worth mentioning. This one is truly terrible and shows no signs of improving. It may go on for 10 years (you have fun with this pile of shit, CW), but that doesn't make it good.

CBS Upfronts: More of the Same

When it comes to CBS, there are generally very, very few surprises. They have a brand, and with a few rare exceptions, they stick to it. As sick to death as I am of crime procedurals and cop shows, it's hard to argue with their results. Network for network, they have the most consistently successful slate of scripted programming out there. Sure the network skews older in general, but when they end up canceling shows that get ratings other networks would salivate over (*cough* NBC *cough*), it's clear that their tactics are working. Seriously, they could have pretty much renewed their entire slate and it would have been a solid business decision. Not a sound creative decision, but alas, when was the last time anyone in network TV cared about quality anyways?

There were very few surprises overall. The only news that really caught my attention was the fact that The Good Wife is moving to Sunday nights (i.e. the night I've thought the show should air since day 1). I guess in this one sense, the network really did make a vote for quality over ratings. In terms of the key demo, The Good Wife has always been a little worrisome to me. Its overall numbers are great, but it certainly skews older. For this reason, there were some TV ratings watchers out there who put The Good Wife on the bubble. I guess if that's the only factor you're looking at, sure, that makes sense. In terms of every other factor, I was never very worried.

SHOWS NOT RETURNING NEXT SEASON:

• Criminal Minds: Suspect Behavior
  I realize that procedual spin-offs are CBS's bread and butter, but seriously, if there were ever a show that wasn't begging for a spin-off, it was Criminal Minds. The show has been on for 6 years now and has basically investigated every conceivable type of murder. That said, I'm still a casual viewer of the original, but could never even kind of care about the spin-off. Forest Whitaker may be an award-winning actor, but I couldn't stand him. To boot, the rest of the cast was nothing to write home about either. Geez, never would I have guessed that the original was so popular because of the great ensemble cast, but here we are. This spin-off never really worked and it won't be missed.
  
  
• Mad Love
  Uh, was I asleep when this was on? I don't even remember it. I'm pretty sure I never even watched the pilot... Well, whatever it was, it no longer is.
  
  
• The Defenders
  I only ever saw the first episode or two, but it was harmless enough. On another network, its ratings might have given it a shot, but at CBS, it didn't stand a chance.
  
  
• $H*! My Dad Says
  I think I speak for all television bloggers when I think the gods that I'll never again have to type that title. Or see the show.

SHOWS THAT WILL BE RETURNING:

• The Amazing Race
  
  
• The Big Bang Theory
  
  
• Blue Bloods
  I have to admit, this was a bit of a surprise. With schedule real estate at a premium, this one could have gone either way. I think keeping it was a good call. The show itself started off strong, then got pretty lame and generic, but it holds its own in a very difficult timeslot (Fridays are no one's friend, not even Tom Selleck), so in spite of lackluster ratings, it was a good call to keep it.
  
  
• Criminal Minds
  It's long in the tooth, but I still enjoy it well enough. Even better? Our good friend JJ has officially returned (take that new blonde!) and odds are Prentiss will be back at some point as well. As far as I know, Paget Brewster's new pilot is a no-go, so she's available. It should be pretty bitchin' to see the other characters' reactions to her return from the dead. They could do a lot of interesting things with that. Still up in the air? Thomas Gibson is still in contract negotiations, so whether or not Hotch comes back next year is up for grabs. My guess is, he'll be back.
  
  
• CSI, CSI: NY, and CSI: Miami
  The unholy trinity will all be back, although CSI has been bumped from its cushy timeslot. Why, it's almost as though the brass at CBS have noticed that it and its ratings kinda suck.
  
  
• The Good Wife
  I've already sung this show's praises, but I can't tip my hat to CBS enough for this show. It's beyond shocking that a show of this quality exists on network TV at all, but the fact that it's on CBS of all networks is astounding. Who'd have guessed? And lest you're one of those people who think it's a show for old people or for Lifetime viewers who got lost, Todd VanDerWerff with AV Club wrote a wonderful piece on the show heralding it as a worthy successor to The Wire (aka the most critically acclaimed television show I've ever come across). He sums up the show's qualities far better than I ever could. Kudos, CBS. Nice job. Also, I'll probably never find the time to write up my thoughts on the finale, but I loved it. $7800? Worth. Every. Penny.
  
  
• Hawaii Five-O
  I gave up on this sucker, but apparently most people stuck with it. It's fate was never in doubt. Not that I follow this show or anything, but I hear that Masi Oka has been made a series regular for next year, in case anyone cares.
  
  
• How I Met Your Mother
  Oh, good god. This season actually started off very promisingly, but ultimately fell apart. By the time we wound down to the final few episodes, I was so annoyed and bored that I could barely keep going. I held on through the finale to see who was getting married (which they'd been teasing since the first episode, if I recall correctly) only to find it was Barney and... yeah, no, they didn't reveal who the bride was. Back in the day, these little teases and mysteries were fun. Now they just piss me off. I'm done, thanks. We're breaking up over the summer.
  
  
• The Mentalist
  I haven't watched this show in ages, but in light of the total lack of anything else new last night, I tuned in for the finale, having been promised that Jane would finally confront Red John. To my surprise, it was actually pretty entertaining. They seem to have realized that Jane was annoying as hell most of the time and have toned that down considerably. Most important though, Red John was played by Bradley Whitford, who is practically perfect in every way. The confrontation was quietly intense and the final moments were shocking, if not entirely surprising. Jane has been saying he'd kill Red John the minute he got the chance, so to see him follow through with that promise, killing a man in the middle of a mall, no less, was pretty dramatic. I'm actually pretty intrigued by how they're going to handle Jane's new status as murderer, so maybe I'll just swap out HIMYM for The Mentalist for a spell. See how that goes.
  
  
• Mike & Molly
  
  
• NCIS and NCIS: Los Angeles
  
  
• Rules of Engagement
  
  
• Two and a Half Men
  Ugh. Even if Ashton somehow made this show 800% better, it would still be unwatchable. I still can't believe anyone watches this shit. I was very hopeful that Charlie's departure would signal the end, but instead, it simply put this crap factory in the media even more. Here's hoping it dies a swift death.
  

Week-In-Review 4.3

Still sick as a dog, but here we are. To add insult to injury, the CW kinda sorta really sucks at their job. Seriously, you guys have one thing to do and you just can't seem to do it. Pathetic.

TV Cross-Connection of the Week: Grandma Florrick on The Good Wife was Grams on Dawson’s Creek
Given that she's basically playing the exact same character, I really should have realized it sooner, but no.

Best Impression: Jon Stewart as Glenn Beck
Jon Stewart is my hero. Period.

Worst Way to Go: Cheese Cutter Garrote on The Borgias… or was it the half-assed poison?
Upon reflection, regarding the cheese wire decapitation of the guard, even Ceseare was like, “Yeah, let’s not do that anymore… Oh no, keep killing people, just not like that.” Although the poisoning didn’t exactly go according to plan, what with the writhing in agony for hours and ultimately having to be smothered with a pillow. (In case you missed it, this show isn’t exactly a huge fan of subtlety. Or people living very long.)

Biggest Whiners: The Chicago Code
In general, I would sympathize with those suffering from a heat wave, but as I gaze out my window at the snow falling, my only thought is: Heat wave? Yes, please.

Most Believable Copping: Theresa on The Chicago Code
So often with cop shows, when it comes to actual policing, the actors are either over the top or totally unconvincing. But when Theresa Colvin tells you to put the gun down, you put the gun down. Nice job, you maniac, you.

Cartooniest Progression: Barney on HIMYM… or was it Lily?
Sigh. This season of HIMYM has been a hell of a lot better than last, but the characters are quickly becoming caricatures. That ridiculous and irritating storyline with Barney and the meatball sub was just lame. This season, it seems that Barney is either a total cartoon or is brooding over emotional baggage. That’s a fine line to walk and it’s not really working. What’s worse, he’s not the only one. What the hell happened to Lily? I used to adore her, but now? I’m with TVWithoutPity on this one, “Lily was once a likable, semi-rational character on #HIMYM, wasn't she? It's been so long, it's hard to remember.” I think the show’s next set of flashbacks should be back to seasons 1 and 2 when I actually liked these people.

Most Disappointing Season Finale: Being Human US
A lackluster end to a meh season. The show kept having glimmers of potential, but very few were realized. Maybe if I hadn’t seen the UK version I’d have been more enamored of this one, but at every turn, I couldn’t help but to think of how the UK version handled a storyline in invariably better ways. The US version just feels like one missed opportunity after another. The pilot was quite promising, but it ultimately let me down.

Best Season Finale: Being Human UK
Okay, given that the US and UK versions of Being Human were the only finales this week, the bar was set pretty low, but even if it were stacked up against an entire slate of finales, the UK version would hold its own. Wow. US version, take a lesson.

Worst Parenting: Basically the entire cast of Parenthood
I keep trying to not hate this show, because it does have its good points, but overall, it’s just irritating as hell. If I had grown up with any of these people as my parents, I’d have made a run for it at age 6. Each member of the cast is more ridiculous than the last and the level of cheese they’re injecting into every episode would put those Cheez-It commercials to shame.

Biggest Heartbreaker: Alicia on The Good Wife
The ramifications of Kalinda’s affair with Peter have already been theorized on this blog, and even though I knew it was coming, it was still tough to watch. The writers of this show are so, so good. Just as Alicia puts the pieces together and realizes that her husband slept with her (now) best friend, the room full of Peter’s supporters break into For He’s a Jolly Good Fellow. Ouch. My friend Jahn tends to crucify Kalinda for not telling Alicia, but in all honestly, I don’t think anyone would, let alone Kalinda. For probably the first time in her life, she’s not in complete control of information and she doesn’t know what to do. I really think that deep down, Kalinda was sure that somehow, some way, she could keep this under wraps. Based on precedent, she must be pretty astounded that she couldn’t.

Second Biggest Heartbreaker/Couple I Never Knew I Wanted Together: Eli and Natalie on The Good Wife
How’s that for an odd couple? And yet, I find myself hoping that America Ferrera shows up again in the future. I’m as shocked as you are. On paper, the thought of them as a romantic pairing is kind of ridiculous, but in reality, it works amazingly well.

Best Kiss: Boyd and Ava on Justified
The thought of Boyd and Ava ever getting together was an impossibility during season 1, but with the current season, it makes perfect sense. The actors have wonderful chemistry together and I’m excited to see how things play out. I’m also glad to see that Ava will have more to do than hang around the house all day. Of course, know Ava, that probably just means she’ll get kidnapped. For the third time.

Most Addictive New Website: Cute Roulette
You know, in case there was ever a threat of me getting things done at work...

Meh-iest New Show: Happy Endings As per the AV Club, #HappyEndings: "Hard to hate. Also hard to love." It wasn’t really all that funny, but in terms of half-hour sitcoms, it was by no means the worst thing I’ve seen. I guess it could potentially turn into something more memorable, but at this point, it’s just another in a long line of Friends rip-offs that can’t quite get off the ground. Plus, it has Elisha Cuthbert in it, so that’s prohibitive right there. Pilot Grade: C+

Unjust-est Elimination: Sue on Top Chef Masters
Okay, I realize that there’s really no way that Sue was going to win the competition or anything, but to eliminate her because the show didn’t provide enough kitchen space or equipment for her to cook? That’s just ridiculous. She and Suvir totally got screwed on this one. I found myself growing more and more pissed off as the episode progressed. Dear Top Chef, it’s fine to throw crazy challenges at them, but for hell’s sake, at least give them a chance of succeeding. Ridiculous. Instead of expressing your condolences to participants for the crappy conditions, here’s a novel idea, FIX THE CONDITIONS!

Worst Local Affiliate: CW30
Holy hell, this has to stop! My local CW affiliate has a long and aggravating history of sucking at their jobs, but last night was the final straw. I’ve endured many years of shows having occasional weird audio, visual screw-ups, and whatnot, but cutting off the last half of The Vampire Diaries and the first half of Nikita with an episode of That 70s Show is way over the line. The audio was screwed up from minute one, so I should have known that someone was asleep at the wheel. Again. Maybe they’ve started hiring ex-air traffic controllers… Long story short, I didn’t really get to watch either show, which in my universe, is tantamount to death by firing squad. I went to bed at 10 o’clock. That’s just sad.

**Quotes of the Week**

“No surprise. Mental illness can be fascinating. RT @thewrap: #ExtremeCouponing Debut Pays Off Big for TLC.”
-- TVWithoutPity, via twitter. Those couponers are insane. I will happily pay full price for every item in the store if it means I don’t have to take three binders full of little scraps of paper to the store and then follow a detailed game plan during checkout. If they spent half the time working that they spend preparing to hit the Safeway, they’d have enough money to not worry about finding a great deal. These people are basically organized hoarders. Not that people don’t need 68 bottles of mustard at a time…

“Belated congrats to Robert Sean Leonard on his impending escape from #House. Never look back.”
-- TVWithoutPity via twitter. Word.

“Caroline was frantically trying to figure out the Matt situation. She hadn't seen or heard from him ever since she came clean about being a vampire the night before. So then there she was trying to place a very important phone call using a hands-free device in a PARKED CAR? Come on, weirdo! Also, quit it, Ford. Nobody wants to buy a Fiesta. Or maybe we should Bing it?”
--Price Peterson for tv.com, skewering the omnipresent and obnoxious product placements in The Vampire Diaries.

“Don’t confuse me with your reasonableness.”
--Castle

Kalinda: “What do you think?”
Will: "I think she's fantastic."
Kalinda: "I think she just won him the election."
Will: "Probably."
Kalinda: "You should tell her how fantastic she is."
Will: "She knows."
Kalinda: "You should tell her. People like to be told."
--The Good Wife. Methinks this is Kalinda’s way of softening the blow to Alicia about the affair. Hey, at least she’s got Will, right? Good luck with that...

“Pray for me.”
--Michael Ausiello, via twitter, preparing for THIS. Godspeed, good buddy.

“I am so glad Nikolaj Coster-Waldau has finally hired out his pretty face to a respectable TV show. The failed pilot parade was getting sad.”
--JenniferArrow, via twitter. Just one of the many reasons I’m excited for Game of Thrones.

“My name is Boyd Crowder. You can come after me if you like, but it’ll be the last thing you ever do.”
--Justified. I am beyond stoked for a return of Bad Boyd. You’ve been missed.

“Joss Whedon is no Michael Bay. Thank goodness for that. An Avengers film made with a ‘bigger is better’ mentality is the last thing we need.”
--Matthew Hurd at popmatters.com. Hear, hear!

“Remember how they claimed LOST needed an end date because there was a planned ending in mind? HAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHA. Man, that was rich.”
--JenniferArrow via twitter. I haven’t actually finished Lost yet, but I can already tell that this is where we’re headed. It’s half the reason I’m having such a hard time powering through. It’s already spinning its wheels and I still have over two seasons to get through.

“I remember when I was growing up, the rule was, ‘Don’t call anyone after 10 p.m.,’ ” Mr. Adler said. “Now the rule is, ‘Don’t call anyone. Ever.’ ”
--quote from a New York Times article by Pamela Paul.

“But heaven forbid you actually have to listen — especially to voice mail. The standard “let the audience know this person is a loser” scene in movies where the forlorn heroine returns from a night of cat-sitting to an answering machine that bleats “you have no messages” would cause confusion with contemporary viewers. Who doesn’t heave a huge sigh of relief to find there’s no voice mail? Is it worth punching in a protracted series of codes and passwords to listen to some three-hour-old voice say, “call me” when you could glance at caller ID and return the call — or better yet, e-mail back instead?”
--Pamela Paul, again. It’s a really good article (linked above). I hate the phone. Indeed, if there were a way that I could just play excerpts from that article as my voicemail message at work, I certainly would.

Week-In-Review 3.4

Okay, yeah, so March can't end any sooner. The dearth of new programming is starting to take a serious toll, people. April usually fares a bit better, and then, of course, May is sweeps. Lousy Smarch programming... Honestly, when there's only one new show to watch on a Thursday, you know you're in trouble.

Worst Costume Design/Most Frightening New Pilot: Wonder Woman
Wow, I hardly even know where to start with this particularly train wreck... Man alive, I was worried for this reboot before I saw the costume design courtesy of Entertainment Weekly. Now? "Yikes" just doesn't quite seem to do it justice... It looks to be even worse than I’d feared. I guess it’s good to know that Howie’s Halloween Bargain Bin is getting some much needed business though… Seriously, it could not look any cheaper and couldn’t make Adrianne Palicki look any worse. She’s actually a very pretty girl (check her out as Tyra Collette on Friday Night Lights for a shocking comparison), but with dark hair and the smashed breasts make her look terrible. Her face looks oddly mannish here, which, for a character by the name of Wonder Woman, probably isn’t the direction they were hoping for. I’m going to have to side with TWoP on this one. “Days later and we still think that Adrianne Palicki would have been better off in some Wonder Woman underroos.” I'm not sure how appointed David E. Kelley as the head of this disaster, but between him and this costume, I'm afriad. Very afriad.

Best Casting Choice: Ian’s Biological Father on Shameless
Um, wow. Nicely done, casting director person! Seriously, I’m guessing Cameron Monaghan’s actual father doesn’t look that much like him. Freaky.

Least Believable Knowledge Gap: Robin on HIMYM
I actually thought the concept of everyone having a “knowledge gap” was pretty entertaining, but after several years of establishing Robin as a Canadian who misses being up north, the thought of her not knowing that the North Pole is a real place is ridiculous, even for this show. And not knowing that reindeer are real? Absurd. There are a billion gaps they could have given her, but for some reason they settled on the most unbelievable of them all. Did the writers do this on purpose to make Robin look even dumber than we thought, or did they casually forget who the character is entirely? Who knows.

Best Pick-Up News: Southland
I wouldn’t say this is my favorite show by any stretch, but it’s a quality program with incredible performances week-to-week and deserves another season. Anything to stick it to NBC for canceling them in such a shady way in the first place is a win in my book.

Somehow, Most and Fewest Eliminations: The Biggest Loser
I have never really cared for this show, but various people in my office watch it, so I caved. I hate being on the outside of a conversation, so I figured I’d tune in for the fast-forwarded version. I did that for a few weeks, but then my scheduling got too full and I had to bail on it. Well, with March upon us and reruns in full swing, I finally got back to it. After this long, I assumed I’d see maybe 6, considerably thinner contestants left. Well, everyone was thinner, but there were still 11 people left. And if that weren’t enough, they brought back another one! And then they eliminated a guy who didn’t want to go home, and kept a girl who did. I realize they’re trying to make things more exciting here, but it’s mostly just lame. And at the rate they keep bringing people back, the season will end sometime around Christmas. Of next year.

Best Shipper Name: Esplainie on Castle
You know, because they’re always “esplaining” things. Solid gold.

Best Meta References: Castle
Speaking of shippers, hats off to Castle for addressing the crazy fans out there head-on, and in the most charming way possible. They somehow managed to take on obsessive shippers, bloggers who rail against the shows they love, and the fervor over their own will-they-or-won’t-they setup, all without pissing off anyone who actually falls into those categories. Well played.

Shittiest Luck: Basically the entire cast of Shameless
Boy, this just keep going from bad to worse for these people. This week’s episode set the dominoes in place, and in the finale few minutes, nudged that first one into the next. Sunday’s finale promises a wide array of crazy as the rest come tumbling down. Oh, Officer Tony. Way to go, champ. Surely sending Lip and Ian to jail is the way into Fiona’s pants, right?

Second Shittiest Luck: Winona and Raylan on Justified
Last week’s episode felt a little out of place and kind of like a filler episode, but when you combine it with this week’s denouement, it turns out that it was actually a thrilling two-parter that should have been aired on the same night. After last week, I was a little skeptical about how things played out. Why the hell would Winona have taken a single bill to the bank to see if it was real? Was she going to go back for the rest? That’s a terrible plan! Well, with this week’s episode, it all makes a lot more sense. She took the whole lot first thing, intending on spending it, then realized that perhaps the reason it was in lock-up for so long was that it was counterfeit. That’s why she went to the bank with the one bill, then changed her mind as she realized the ramifications of showing up at a bank with a fake bill. This in no way means her actions weren’t incredibly stupid, but at least there’s a rationale behind it. Man alive, the payoff in this week’s episode was well-worth the ambivalence over last week’s. In true Hitchcockian brilliance, the audience becomes a co-conspirator with Raylan and Winona as they try desperately to put that money back where it came from without getting caught. With the audience being the only ones privy to every moment, it became unbearably nerve-wracking as their every attempt failed, then was one-upped with even more danger. So great. And, while lesser shows would have put us through all that and then had them get away scot free, Justified gives us some resolution without the rose-colored glasses. Winona gets the money back into evidence, but not without Art Mullen becoming slightly suspicious of our good friend Raylan. I’m just so glad I can breathe again now that the money has been taken care of that I’m more than happy to live with a little unsubstantiated suspicion.

In Related News, Most Terrifying Performance by an Inanimate Object: Winona’s stupid, ugly, incriminating bag on Justified
I must have thought to myself, “Oh, for hell’s sake, Winona!” at least a hundred times because of that bag…

Most Deafening Silence/Longest Elevator Ride Ever: Justified
After enduring an entire episode of unbridled anxiety, the money is returned, Winona’s leather bag is empty, but that’s only just the beginning. Wow, I wouldn’t have wanted to have been in that elevator after all that. Really, after something like this, what do you say? What can you say?

Slumpiest Sophomore Year: Modern Family
This week’s episode was better than the last several, but that must mean that the bar has been lowered considerably from season 1. I’ve never been as over-the-moon about this show as most people (finding it to be more amusing than uproarious), but in season 1, I walked away from most episodes with a few hi-larious quotes and several memorable moments. This season? It’s more medium-larious than anything else and on a far less frequent basis. I guess I’m just not finding a whole lot to latch onto this year. Long story short, where Community has upped its game in season 2, Modern Family has declined. Community has always been a better comedy, but now, the gap is more noticeable than ever.

Biggest Dick: Mike on Top Chef All-Stars
Can I tell you how irked I am that he’s in the finale? Don’t get me wrong, I’d rather see Blais trounce him than Antonia, but that also means that we have to see yet another episode of Mike and his insufferableness. He’s suck a prick. Even when he’s trying to be complimentary, he’s a bastard. Way to undercut Chef Bernstein by specifying that she’s “one of the top women chefs,” rather than simply “one of the top chefs” in the country. Nice back-handed praise for one of the guest judges there, jackass. I swear to god, if he wins this, fans will revolt. Come on Blais, don’t you dare choke… you know, like you did the last time (why yes, yes I will continue to pour salt in that wound if I think it'll motivate him to suck less this time around!)

Strangest, Yet Ridiculously Common Pronunciation: Jaguar on Top Model
I don’t know where people get this idea, but I have heard more than a few people over the years pronounce “jaguar” as “jag-wire”. It’s not even kind of spelled like that and in spite of my best efforts to find a dictionary out there that has that as an alternate pronunciation, I fell short. There are only two pronunciations of “jaguar” that I’ve ever come across in a dictionary. “Jag-wahr” and the chiefly British “jag-yoo-ar”. I’ll happily take either. Not that I should be expecting much from top model contestants, but this weirdness extends beyond just them. So weird.

Best Mash-Up: Pulp Fiction and My Dinner with Andre on Community
I love this show. Best comedy on TV. I’ve never actually seen My Dinner with Andre, but now I might just have to. “I’ll never forget My Dinner with Andre dinner with Abed.” Classic. Only this show could managed to blend two such disparate movies into a TV show that's not only hilarious, but also has emotional depth. Impressive.

Best New Acronym: THL—Tight Heavy Lid
Courtesy of Community, of course. Should prove useful...

**Quotes of the Week**

“You shouldn't have to do fucking Glee…. The guy is so offended that we're not, like, begging to be on his fucking show. Fuck that guy for thinking anybody and everybody should want to do Glee. ... I watched 10 minutes. It's not my thing.”
--Dave Grohl of the Foo Fighters. I couldn’t agree more. I enjoy Glee well enough (although this season has been rough), but I find myself thinking a little less of certain musicians who allow their music to be used on the show. If I had my way, they’d do almost nothing but showtunes, which showcase the cast’s talents the best and which help tell a story a whole lot better. Sorry Ryan Murphy, but I’m with Dave on this one. Stop being such a baby and taking offense when you get turned down.

“Report: Majority Of Newspapers Now Purchased By Kidnappers To Prove Date”
--The Onion makes my day.

“We call this color: I was saying Royal Blue-urns.”
--Shirt Woot, making my day with a reference only true blue-urns Simpsons fans will appreciate.

Martha: “After my character married his character, Joseph Fox, she was kidnapped, buried alive, trapped in a cave with bears, uh, kidnapped again, and held hostage in the sewers of Paris.”
Beckett: “How long were you on the show?”
Martha: “Three weeks.”
--Castle, regarding Martha's stint on a daytime soap.

“George. I choose you.”
--Mitchell on Being Human (UK), who keeps breaking my heart. I’m afraid for the rest of this season, peeps. Very afraid.

Alicia: “It’s my daughter. She thinks I drink too much.”
Kalinda: “You know what your problem is?”
Alicia: “I don’t drink enough?”
Kalinda: “You didn’t get your tubes tied.”
--The Good Wife. Word. (Sorry, Jahn, I know you like Grace.)

Alicia: “You crossed the line.”
Eli: “…Which one?”
--The Good Wife. I don’t talk about him much, but Eli Gold is one of the best characters on TV. It makes the frequent absences of Chris Noth a little easier to endure. Alan Cumming, you’re my hero. Or, as my brother would say, “Nightcrawler really deserves his own show.” Agreed.

"There's nothing clear about the air around coal."
--Probably the most prophetic and subtly pointed lines ever spoken on Justified.

Raylan: “He has had my back on two occasions. Once was the last day I was in the mine, and the other, not so long ago.”
Carol: “My, that sounds like a love story.”
--Justified, pointing out what the audience already knows. This show may be about a lot of things, but the relationship between Boyd and Raylan takes the cake.

“He will be amazing & adored, then Fox will cancel him after 14 eps.”
--Nathan Fillion, via twitter, responding to tradertiki’s comment, “My wife and I just named our son Malcolm Reynolds....”

“And all the while there was Winona's tan leather bag, brimming with stacks of smirking Benjamin Franklins, mocking us at every turn. Just sitting there. Like a bag. But it was anything but a bag. It's always fantastic when an inanimate object becomes a central character in a show or film, and halfway through the episode I wanted to punch that bag in its non-existent face or roughly pull its zipper back and forth until it caught on something and got stuck. Take that, bag!”
--Tim Surette on TV.com, expressing my thoughts toward Winona’s bag far more eloquently than I could.

“Cool. Cool. Cool, cool, cool.”
--Abed on Community, noting the awesomeness of his friends’ Pulp Fiction costumes. Cool to the fifth, really. I loved how earlier in the episode Annie had said that they’d get at least five “cools” from Abed, and then they did.

Troy [near sobbing]: “They said market price! WHAT MARKET ARE YOU SHOPPING AT?!”
--Community. I always love the little… geez, what do you call those little scenes at the end of a show that come after the narrative has already been wrapped up? Well, whatever they’re called, Community does them better than anyone. They always leave you will a hilarious little nugget to hold onto.

Week-In-Review 3.1

Sorry this sucker is a little late in coming. I was dying on Friday and just didn't make it. I still feel pretty crappy today, but there doesn't seem to be any way around that...

Most Sobering Look at the Other Half: Fiona isn’t familiar with Word on Shameless
I couldn’t decide it if was incredibly sad or if I was incredibly jealous… Fiona is 21, so it was peculiar enough that she needed to take a class on how to use PowerPoint (“I don’t know what PowerPoint is, but I’m sure you’ll be great at it.”), but it was genuinely heartbreaking to see her so completely out of her depth with even the basics. As the instructor is asking those lame introductory questions, requesting a raise of hands regarding, “Who’s familiar with Microsoft? Microsoft Word? And Excel?” all the hands automatically go up… except for Fiona’s. On the one hand, the thought of never having used these programs felt like some fantabulous and unfathomable fantasy world that I could never be a part of, but on the other, it was pretty scary to think of how utterly crippling it would be to not know how to use a computer. To be so out of your depth is always discouraging, but to know that your only other option is working at a Hooter’s-esque sports bar? That’s unbelievably sad. It’s so completely foreign to me that anyone in this day and age would be unfamiliar with basic computing skills, but for these brutally poor kids who grew up on the wrong side of the tracks? I’m afraid it’s probably all too common a phenomenon.

Best Eyebrow Raiser: Steve isn’t really Steve on Shameless
I’ve always like Steve quite a lot, but now I kinda love him. From the beginning, it was pretty clear that there was more to Steve than meets the eye. As it awesomely turns out, that something more is a different identity entirely. One of the uppercrusty secret life players was apparently a brother, so I can’t imagine this is a long con, and have to assume that he really is a rich kid named Jimmy deep down. The Candace angle is a bit murkier, however… I’m not sure where she factors in or if she really is part of a long con… or who she really is, for that matter. For the first time since the show started, I kinda can’t wait to see what happens next week.

Clearest Indication That We’re Losing the War on Terror: Castle
Apparently a gigantic dirty bomb threatening the citizens of the largest city in the country only worries the national government to the point of sending one guy to save the day. Geez, it’s a good thing the NYPD has a goofy mystery writer on staff or we’d all be dead.

Most Interesting Racial Tidbit: Adrian Pasdar is half-Iranian
Given that his character on Castle was an FBI bigwig who happily engaged in racial profiling in his search for potential Middle Eastern terrorists, I thought the fact that he has Iranian heritage was kind of interesting. I’m not sure how or why I already knew that, but it made the casting choice all the more intriguing—especially given that it turned out that the bombers in the episode were homegrown ex-military men without a shred of Middle Eastern descent.

Least Believable Love Interest: Nora on HIMYM
Look, show, I realize you’re trying to give Barney some layers here, and I appreciate that, but for someone like Barney to really fall for a woman, she really need to have more going for her than Nora does. Barney has been with untold numbers of beautiful women, so to get audiences to believe that he’s really fallen in love, maybe you should have given his love interest more than just beauty. She’s bland as hell and I ain’t buyin’ it. Barney falling for Robin, while ultimately unfortunate, at least made sense. This just seems lazy.

Most Ridiculous Prudery: Face Off
For those of you unaware, this is a movie make-up competition show on Syfy that’s surprisingly entertaining… and fairly prudish, as it were. In a recent challenge, they had to swap the genders of engaged couples. Well, in making one of the fellas into a woman, one of the team created a silicone chest piece in order to give the man breasts. Apparently the detached, unpainted, vaguely breast-like structures pulled out of the mold were just too risqué for basic cable, because they literally blurred the area where nipples would eventually go. Seriously!? Seriously. I’m starting to think that someone is doing that as a joke. Surely it’s a joke, right???

Character Most in Need of a Sandwich: Sarah on White Collar
Holy hell, I’ve never been a fan of Hilarie Burton in general (acting, the total lack of chemistry with Neal, etc), but I’m realizing just how difficult she is to look at in certain outfits. I’m all for being thin, but her shoulders are disgusting. You can see every joint and bone and sinew. Sure, everyone enjoys having a better understanding of a ball-and-socket joint, but this is going too far. Ew.

Least Believable Love Scene: Speaking of Sarah on White Collar
Ugh. When I saw that Alex was going to be in this last episode (I saw the actress’ name in the opening credits), I was hopeful that the writers wouldn’t actually take the Neal/Sarah whateverness in the direction I had feared. It was only a little hope (I’m realistic here), but it was something. Now, what with Neal’s and Sarah’s awkward and unconvincing romp in the hall of records (sexy!), I’m trying to force myself to accept the fact that Sarah really is going to be a series regular next year and that the writers are insistent on pairing her up with Neal. UGH. Aside from my inherent biases against Hilarie Burton as an actress, there is absolutely no heat between Sarah and Neal no matter what your perspective is. Seriously, there are a few Hilarie fans out there (I assume), but I’m guessing even they weren’t convinced. So unfortunate. So forced. So awkward. On the other side of the coin, even Neal’s random conversations with Alex are sexy as hell. They don’t even have to touch for there to be heat. Neal and Sarah can tear each other’s clothes off and can’t even come close. I don’t want to have to stop watching the show, but I hate this storyline. A lot.

Most Shameful Product Placement: White Collar
The only thing I hate more than a bad storyline is a bad product placement. Sometimes a shameless product placement is funny or necessary (these shows have to pay the bills somehow, right?), but with White Collar, is just seems sad and desperate and painfully obvious. Dear Ford (I think), I am in no way more inclined to purchase your product now that Peter has shown me all the ridiculous features that I don’t need. Burn Notice manages to integrate cars and whatnot with ease, finding completely logical reasons for the characters to use the features of said products without shoving it in your face. White Collar? Not so much. Fail.

Awesomest Quintuple-Cross: The Good Wife
One the of best parts of this show is that it keeps viewers on their toes. I was honestly unsure if that one guy was actually double-crossing them or not. As the episode wore one, I started figuring out that he was actually double-crossing Bond, but with this show, you can never be sure, even right up till the last minute. Who knows, he could have been telling Will and Diane that he would screw Bond over, but until the vote was had, he could have gone either way. Phew! Amazing.

Best Kiss: Cary and Kalinda on The Good Wife
I did not see that coming! Honestly, as the scene progressed, I found myself hoping Cary would kiss her (as is so often the hope when these two are onscreen together), but it usually never happens! It totally makes sense that in Kalinda’s Rules of the Universe, giving someone a change-of-address notification is tantamount to a declaration of love, so I guess Cary felt like he had the green light. Wowzers, it was just a simple little kiss, almost a peck, but it was utterly squee-worthy. Seriously, there was more sizzle in Cary and Kalinda’s lip lock than in Sarah and Neal’s near-nudity.

Best Summation of the Profession of “English Teacher” in a Nutshell: Parenthood
I’ve been trying to give Parenthood a second chance, but after last week’s episode (in which the characters basically screamed at each other for an hour solid), I wasn’t too confident. But, I had heard that Jason Ritter would be back, so I tuned in. It was actually a pretty enjoyable episode and involved only minimal fast-forwarding. The best part though was Lorelai’s summation of Ritter’s essential function as an English teacher. When giving a critique of someone’s writing, it pretty much boils down to 1) give 2 or 3 vaguely positive comments to make the person feel good about him/herself, 2) then move on to several super-specific criticisms that make the writer question his/her will to live. Yup, that about sums it up.

Smallest World: Mike and Antonia on Top Chef
Yeah, so, after an entire season of them annoying each other like a couple of quarreling siblings, it turns out, the two of them are actually related. In one of the show’s more creative and interesting challenges of late, the cheftestants got a peak at their genealogy only to find that if you go back a few generations, Mike and Antonia have a lot more in common than just cooking. Ha!

Cruelest Trick: Top Chef
Okay, it’s one thing to tease some random contestant with, “Please pack your knives… because you’re advancing to the finals!” but to do that to Richard “I might just have a heart attack right here in the stew room” Blaise? That’s just mean. Poor guy looks like he was going to collapse… then punch Padma right in the face.

Most Perplexing Crush: I seem to have developed an odd fascination with Tim Gutterson on Justified…
I don’t know what it is or where it came from, but here we are. I find myself inexplicably captivated.

Most Interesting Collision of Two Shows: Ian Somerhalder auditioned for True Blood
I think somewhere in the back of my brain I knew this already, but I seem to have forgotten because it came as a surprise. In spite of Ian’s current vampire gig as Damon on The Vampire Diaries, he actually auditioned to play Jason Stackhouse on True Blood. As awesome as I think he would have been in that role, I think vampirism suits him better.

**Quotes of the Week**

“George, you’re chitchatting—with a gimp.”
--Nina, Being Human (UK). I was only intermittently fond of Nina in season 1, but in season 2 she’s become completely awesome (and funny as hell to boot).

“The Oscars are this Sunday and I think it’s Charlie Sheen’s year. He might make it into the In Memoriam montage.”
--The Soup. Alas, he didn’t make it. No worries, Charlie, you're a shoe-in for next year!

“In book news, Jesse James has signed a book deal with Simon & Schuster to write his memoirs, American Outlaw. Oh, I see, he’s calling it Jesse James: American Outlaw so people will associate it with the murderous bank robber… and not that guy everyone hates.”
--The Soup, regarding Sandra Bullock’s winner of an ex-husband.

"contrary to the rumors, i am not replacing charlie sheen on two and half men. however, martin sheen has asked me to be his son"
—John Stamos via twitter

“The feeling of being hurried is not usually the result of living a full life and having no time. It is on the contrary born of a vague fear that we are wasting our life. When we do not do the one thing we ought to do, we have no time for anything else -- we are the busiest people in the world.”
--Eric Hoffer, philosopher and author (1902-1983). This came with my word-a-day email. In this respect, my calendar actually is pretty damn full.

“Bat shit must be offended by all the Charlie Sheen comparisons.”
--via twitter, courtesy of Schindizzle

“Salt, meet wound. RT @thetvaddict: If #VeronicaMars was still on, its 2.5 million viewers would make it one of The CW's top rated shows!”
-- TVWithoutPity via twitter. Good god that’s depressing (for VM fans, sure, but I think it’s an even tougher pill to swallow for the network, er, “network”).

“You belong in the trophy case of sons of bitches.”
--Glenn Childs, expressing what fans of The Good Wife have thought about Peter Florrick since day one.

Alicia: “I don’t think I even have your old address.”
Kalinda: “Well, now you have my new one.”
Alicia: [mock sentimentality] “I feel like we’ve grown closer together.”
Kalinda: “Okay, give it back.”
Alicia: “Oh, no no no no. This is going in my copy of Eat Pray Love.”
--The Good Wife

Tim: “At least you got to shoot your father. Mine had the nerve to die before I got back from basic with skills and a loaded weapon.”
Raylan: “You didn’t miss much. I thought it was going to be way more fun than it was.”
--Justified. Apparently crappy fathers are required for employment with the US Marshals. That, or shitty fathers are even more common than I thought.

“If you don’t use them then all our money just goes to charity!”
--Noooooooo! Phil on Modern Family regarding some gift certificates they purchased for some sort of charity. Whatever that charity may be, it ain’t gettin’ my money for nothin’!

Week-In-Review 2.4

I keep thinking these posts will get shorter, but alas, I just can't help myself. In other news, where did February go? With sweeps drawing to a close, we're in for a drought in March, so maybe these will finally shrink. Seriously, The Vampire Diaries and Nikita won't be back till April 7th. Not cool, CW. Not cool.

Most Convenient Accessory: Beckett’s Geiger Counter on Castle
I didn’t realize those were standard issue… Seriously, I spent the entire rest of the episode hoping someone would mention why the hell of a New York homicide detective would be wearing a radiation meter, but everyone just acted like that was a totally normal item for her to be wearing. Really? A Geiger Counter? Maybe there’s an app for that…

Shortest Cliffhanger: Castle
Oh my god! Castle and Beckett are trapped in a freezer with a dead guy who froze to death and THEY MIGHT BE NEXT! Dun, dun, DUN! Wait… Yeah, no, false alarm. The preview of next week (which appeared mere moments after the thrilling musical queue signaling their apparent demise) lets us know they’ll be right as rain in no time at all. I, uh… can’t wait till next week? The edge of my seat went from occupied to vacant in under a minute. Thanks a lot, promotional department. Well played?

Bittersweetest Reference: Serenity on Castle
Don’t get me wrong, show, the references to Nathan Fillion’s past as our favorite space cowboy make me grin and clap and squeal, but all the merriment is quickly followed by the sobering realization that it’s all over. It makes it hard to move on.

Character that May as Well Leave the Show Now: Zoey on HIMYM
Well, she isn’t the mother, so in terms of Ted’s current relationship—all together now—who the hell cares!? Don’t get me wrong, I’m more than a little happy to hear that Zoey won’t be sticking around for the long-run, but it makes me seriously apathetic towards the short run. After this long, it’s time to find the mother already. Although I’m a fair bit intrigued to see how things end for Ted and Zoey… apparently it’s pretty bad. Here’s hoping it’s pretty quick as well.

Question: What is the Dirtiest Kids’ Movie Title Ever?: Jeopardy Answer: "What is Pussy Furry?"
Ha! I’m officially 13 years old, thanks. The best part? I don’t think nerdy, sheltered Raya truly realized just how funny/dirty/inappropriate her response was. I greatly appreciated that one of her competitors couldn’t stifle a laugh though. I sure couldn’t.

Randomest PSA: Glee
Where the hell did that come from? In yet another in the recent long line of sub-par episodes (this one courtesy of repeat offender Ian Brennan), Glee’s PSA against drinking seemingly came out of left field. I can understand afterschool-special-type moments about bullying because it relates directly to the story, and I can forgive the random tribute to certain musical artists, what with this being a musical and all, but a PSA against alcohol coupled with (essentially) a tribute to Ke$ha? Yeah, NO. Does Brad Falchuk even write for the show anymore? We’ve had nothing but Murphy and Brennan for entirely too long.

Most Unexpectedly Steamy Lip-Lock: Blaine and Rachel on Glee
Amid the unwelcomed lesson about the dangers of drinking, blah, blah, blah, the episode did have quite a lot of fun with Rachel’s party. For as disappointing as the rest of the episode was, I couldn’t stop myself from smiling ear-to-ear for the Rachel Berry House Party Train Wreck Extravaganza. And, in an improbable turn of events (er, spin of events, I should say), Blaine and Rachel had a surprising amount of sexual chemistry together with a rather convincing kiss. Way to throw a bone to us straight gals out there (especially those of us who have a penchant for crushing on possibly gay guys), even if for only a little while. I loved how drunk Rachel seems to think that Blaine’s full name is Blaine Warbler. Heh.

Best Song: Don’t You Want Me, Baby from Glee
Why yes, Blaine, I do! I think it had more to do with drunken chemistry than the song itself, but I totally loved this. You could tell they were both having an absolute blast doing this number (the characters and actors). I get the feeling Lea Michele and Darren Criss have been wanting to do a duet since Blaine joined the show. As far as performances on the show are concerned, Rachel and Blaine are the two who ham it up the most, so it was quite a lot of fun to see those two tornados of enthusiasm in the same number.

Best Costume Design: Speaking of Rachel and Blaine…
Ha! I don’t know who picked out that green 1970s bridesmaid’s dress for Rachel to wear, but I think we can all agree that it is exactly the dress she would have chosen for her would-be swanky adult soiree. It was also nice to see Blaine in some casual clothes for once. “Preppy hipster” suits him well.

Most Welcomed Return: Being Human (UK edition)
It’s been too long! Last season got a little soapy and a bit uneven in the middle, but ended in spectacular fashion. The new season started up on Saturday and reminded me of why I fell so hard for this show in the first place. It also put the US version into shocking clarity. The Syfy interpretation is pretty good, but the UK version is bloody brilliant in every conceivable regard. Having the UK edition back is kind of making me like the US version less and less. It just can’t hold a candle to its predecessor. I’ve heard that the US version really starts to blaze its own path around episode 6, so that should help. As is, it’s starting to feel like I’m watching the same show as before, only not as good, which is a bit of a downer. Anyway, I’m totally stoked that the Brits are back. They have an emotional range and depth of storytelling that is unmatched by the US edition and it’s nice to have that kind of gravity back. I’m thoroughly glad that Mitchell saved Annie from purgatory sooner than later. My primary concern after last season was that we’d spend the better part of this season trying to get her back. Thankfully, our darling Mitchell is more than willing to face an eternity of hell to save her. Aw.

Longest Foreshadow: Annie and Mitchell on Being Human (UK)
It was clear back at the beginning of season 1 that their potential romantic chemistry was established and an accidental kiss was had, but we’ve had very little payoff since then. It’s been satisfying to see their relationship deepen over time, but I’m glad to see that the show is finally exploring that side of their hopes at “being human.” They’ve both been through a lot and it’ll be nice to see them interact in a new way. Of course, it’ll probably end horribly, but that’s all part of the ride. “But I’m dead,” Annie laments. “So is he…”

Worst Mother: Anyone Ever Featured on Toddlers & Tiaras
It would be impossible to narrow down the “worst mother” title to just one offender, but I think I was most unnerved when the following thought sprang to mind, “I’m sorry, did you really just give your 15 month old baby a spray tan?” Wow. Just, wow.

Best Guest Star: Gary Cole on The Good Wife
The Good Wife always has stellar guest stars, but Gary Cole as ballistics expert Kurt McVeigh was my favorite this week. His and Diane’s relationship is practically unfathomable from a political perspective, but their chemistry is undeniable (his love of Sarah Palin notwithstanding). I still can't look at him without hearing, "Yeah, hi," in my head though...

Biggest Pet Peeve: Detectives Who Don’t Put Their Gloves On
This happens all the time and I notice it all the time and it never gets less annoying. Instead of actually putting their gloves on, they just use them as a hanky to pick up evidence or open drawers and windows of a crime scene. A) You’re look ridiculous, B) Exactly how long does it take to put gloves on? and C) Most of the time, you’re still contaminating the evidence, punkin. I assume there’s a production reason for it, but seriously, just start the scene with the gloves on. They’re investigating a murder here, people. They’d have gloves on before the entered the damn house.

Best Backstory That Really Should Have Been Introduced 3 Seasons Ago: Emily Prentiss on Criminal Minds
Good lord, you couldn’t have fleshed-out her character with an espionage-y past with Interpol back when she first started on the show?! I’ve always liked her well enough, but she’s generally been a bit bland. Now that you’ve decided to write her off the show you give her a backstory that makes me invest? That’s just mean.

Character I’m Gladdest Didn’t Get Killed Off Last Season: Dewey Crowe on Justified
This season of Justified is proving to be even better than the first, and that’s thanks in no small measure to the deep-fried absurdity that is Dewey Crowe. He makes for hilarious comic relief, but also contributes to the overall narrative in a meaningful and believable way. Not an easy feat.

Most Improbably Successful Impersonation: Dewey Crowe as Raylan Givens on Justified
Ha! Hats off to Dewey (well, I guess it would be hats on, really) for being ballsy enough to dress up as Raylan Givens in order to swindle some baddies out of their stolen prescription pills. I loved when the real Raylan went over to the witness and was like, “Am I the man you saw?” To which she hilariously replied, “Lord, no.” I don’t know if you’ve met Dewey and Raylan, but the two could never be confused. I’m pretty sure I’d remember if Timothy Olyphant showed up at my house, thanks.

Most Ridiculous Runway: America’s Next Top Model
Now, this show is in cycle 817 at last count, so they’ve had a lot of crazy-ass runways in their day, but putting the girls in plastic bubbles and having them walk down a foot-wide platform in a pool? Wow. In all honesty, I don’t think anything can compete with the runway where they had to dodge the giant pendulums, but watching the girls fall in their bubbles and then slip and slosh on the surface of the water was pretty damn entertaining.

Catchiest Song: You Gotta Have Jeff from Community
You thought the winner of this category would be from Glee, didn’t you? Yeah, well, that was before I saw Jeff’s 1997 audition tape for The Real World Seattle. Man alive, I’ve seen blackmail videos before, but this one tops them all.

Worst Crime Against Chef Law: Mike on Top Chef
Good god, could he get kicked off the show already? It's bad enough to flat out steal a dish from a fellow competitor, but then to pretend that it was Richard's own stupid fault for not using the dish himself? That's the hallmark of a total bastard. Not that that's a surprise, what with Mike being a total dick from day one, but to blatantly admit that he couldn't come up with his own idea is just pathetic. I swear to god, if he wins this season, I'll have to be done with the show. Blaise or Carla for the win!

Biggest Headscratcher: The Vampire Diaries--I’m sorry, exactly how are Stefan and Damon getting Elena and Katherine mixed up?
I realize that they look exactly the same and all, but Elena’s alive and Katherine’s a vampire. Surely Stefan and Damon, also vampires, should be able to almost instantly tell the difference (what with their supernatural senses of smell and hearing). Vampires are dead and don’t have a heartbeat (at least I don’t think they do on this show), and I’m not sure just how doppelganger-y Elena and Katherine are supposed to be, but they’re identical right down to scent? Don’t get me wrong, it makes for good TV, but every time she pulls a fast one on them, I’m a little annoyed. Humans not seeing the difference? Fine. Other vampires? Not so fine. Convenient, more like.

Best Reason (or 50) to Stop Going to School: You live in Mystic Falls
It always cracks me up when the characters on The Vampire Diaries pretend that they actually care about school. They’re currently dealing with the world’s most convoluted story-arc and we’re to believe they have an algebra test this afternoon? Ha! I’m sorry, you have an immortal dead-guy in the basement, you just barely got rid of the werewolves, there are witches trying to kill you, even older, even more immortal dead guys trying to kill you, a doppelganger who just escaped and is probably trying to kill you, there’s a moonstone that no one can remember why it matters (seriously, I lost track of that shiny bar of soap 5 episodes ago), and you’re worried about being late for school? Oh, honey. You really need to sort out your priorities. I guess the one saving grace is that no actual learning is done at school. It’s really just a meeting place where random supernatural elements make plans.

Best Cliffhanger: Nikita
The Vampire Diaries' cliffhanger was good, Nikita’s was better. Holy hell, what a game-changer! I can’t wait! "Ask me how I got here." Ahhhh!

**Quotes of the Week**

“You know what they say, Charlie [Sheen], people in glass houses… have a lot of cool things to snort coke off of.”
--Joel McHale on The Soup, regarding Charlie Sheen’s advice to Lindsay Lohan on how to clean up her life. Hello, Pot? This is Kettle. You’re black.

Realtor: “Do what you want, as long as the rent’s covered. We’ve been trying to shift this place for months. I reckon it’s haunted.” [pause]
[simultaneously]
Nina: “No, it’s fine.”
George: “Nope, there’s nothing here.”
--Being Human (UK). Oh, how I’ve missed this show. It’s got a humor that’s so much subtler and more authentic than the US version.

Steve: “You feel like the world will stop spinning on its axis if you take a night off. You know how when a plane starts going down they tell you to put your mask on before helping anyone else? Put your mask on, Fiona!”
Fiona: [pause] “Yeah, well I’ve never been on a plane!”
--Steve, telling Fiona what the audience has known all along on Shameless. She’s over-extended and burning out. I mainly included this quote because it made me wonder: Would people who’ve never flown know about the whole, put your own mask on before helping other people thing? As a person who’s flown a fair bit, the reference was obvious, so it seemed unfathomable that anyone would be unfamiliar with it. Not that I think Fiona was oblivious, but I could see where someone might be. Weird.

“Alcohol, William. The wet devil. Our children are so brazen they’re showing up to school wasted. And not wasted on learning, Will. Wasted on booze.”
--Principal Figgins on Glee. Let me tell ya, I’ve been wasted on learning more than a few times, and the theme for this week’s cautionary tale could have used some revision.

“Who cares about you, buddy? I might get a new boyfriend out of this who can keep up with me vocally and in the future, give me vaguely Eurasian-looking children.”
--Rachel, regarding her and Blaine’s genetic capabilities on Glee. They really are pretty ethnically ambiguous, now that they mention it. IMDb/Wikipedia to the rescue! Lea’s mother is an Italian American Roman Catholic, while her father is a Spanish Sephardic Jew. Darren’s mother is from the Philippines and his father has Irish ancestry. Hmh.

Dianna: “A contemporary of Neal’s? This I gotta see.”
Peter: “No, he’s not what you’d expect. He’s a little more Ratso Rizzo than Cary Grant.”
Neal: “I’m Cary Grant?”
Peter: “Only by comparison to Ratso Rizzo.”
--White Collar. And yes, Neal, you’re Cary Grant, with or without a Ratso Rizzo comparison.

“I have a boyfriend. Or, I had a boyfriend… He joined a circus.”
--America Ferrera as Natalie Morales on The Good Wife. Her deflated delivery of the line was hilarious.

“Happy Valen-birth-iversary!”
--Phil on Modern Family, using the new catch-all for screw-ups.

“You’re a thrill a minute, Raylan. We need to sell tickets.”
--And I need to by them. (Art, regarding Raylan’s rekindled romance with Winona on Justified.)

“Did Kurt used to sing on #Glee, or did we imagine it? Bigger question: With Blaine around, do we care?”
--TWoP via Twitter, asking a very good question. I miss Kurt, but with Blaine around, I don’t notice his absence so often.

Mike: “In gumbo, there’s potatoes, right? Traditionally?”
Tiffani: “No.”
Mike: “No?”
Tiffani: “Never.”
--Top Chef, once again showcasing Mike’s total lack of knowledge about cooking. Tool.

Katherine: “You were mean. And very rough. And monstrous.”
Damon: “You deserved it.”
Katherine: “I like this Damon.”
Damon: “Katherine, there are six other bedrooms in this house. Go find one.”
--I love that Katherine has finally returned to The Vampire Diaries, but I love more that Damon can finally resist her (even if it’s pretty clear that he’s unbelievably tempted). Maybe his new resolve has to do with this:

“I wanted out of the tomb. Didn’t matter who paid the price. Of course I knew that you’d die.”
--Seriously, Katherine, that’s cold. And completely illogical. If you’re going to get one of the Salvatores killed, why not make it Stefan? I think most of us can agree that he’s the better choice.

“Garrett. That guy’s just a mess. It’s like God spilled a person.”
--Troy on Community, regarding one the front-runners for student government.

“Boy, no matter what you do, all roads seem to lead back to Nikki, don’t they.”
--Birkoff on Nikita, finally realizing the basis for the show that he’s in.

Week-In-Review 2.2

It's that magical, magical time again. I'm not sure what it is, but this seemed like a really long week. I choose to blame some sort of space time anomaly on the length of this post... In related news, Dear Blogger, try to suck less. Sheesh.

Biggest Fumble: Glee’s Superbowl Episode
What the hell was that? Some people were reasonably pleased with the much-hyped post-superbowl Glee episode, but I was completely underwhelmed. I’m sorry, but who the hell put Ian Brennan in charge of their biggest episode ever?! Ian Brennan equals: bad songs, no discernable storyline or plot development, but good one-liners. He can’t be trusted with any episode, let alone the most watched one ever. Sheesh. As far as Brennan’s episodes were concerned, it was fine I guess (better than Funk at any rate), and it had its fair share of classic one-liners, but as is so often the case with Brennan’s episodes, I kept getting the feeling that Brennan doesn’t actually watch the show. All of a sudden Sue is asking the girls to put chicken cutlets in their bras when a few episodes back she was demoting Santana to the bottom of the pyramid for implants? Uh, okay? What’s worse, the songs in Brennan’s episodes almost never have anything to do with the story, which we all know I hate. I wouldn’t say it was a bad episode exactly, but it sure as hell isn’t the one I’d put in front of new viewers. Seriously, show of hands: Everyone who’s sick to death of the whole Glee vs. Football ridiculousness? Half the effing team is in the Glee club. I think even a bunch of dumb jocks would have let it go already. Not that I’m hoping they shift their abuse to the debate team… we have enough problems already.

Oddest Choice: Glee
Speaking of Glee and fumbles, why the hell did Fox choose Glee for its post-superbowl extravaganza? It’s not like the show needs the ratings. Another certainty is that anyone who doesn’t already watch Glee probably has a reason for that… I can only imagine the reaction a bunch of middle-aged male football nuts had upon seeing Glee on their screens and the horror at not being able to find the remote. What would have been the better choice, the smarter choice, the better-than-a-snowball’s-chance-in-hell-of-having-some-demographic-overlap choice, would be The Chicago Code. It could certainly have used the viewers and might even have sparked a new hit.

Funniest Ruse: Mama and Daddy Cannon on Glee
I know, I know, Glee has made a comeback to the blog in a major way. Even if the episode itself wasn’t a homerun, it still had some great moments. Sue’s entire ruse to get Brittany into the cannon was hilarious, but when she told her that Mama Cannon has fibromyalgia, so she can’t work, I complete busted up. Poor, sweet Brittany. With two little cannons at home and a baby cannon on the way, she couldn’t not get herself killed.

Best New Show: The Chicago Code
Hands down, best new pilot of the midseason, one of the best new pilots of the year, and easily one of the best shows on network TV. Here’s hoping it keeps the awesome going.

Most Conflicted Kiss: Ted and Zoey on HIMYM
I think I’m about as conflicted with this one as the characters were. Don’t get me wrong, anything that possibly gets us closer to finding the mother gets a gold star in my book after 6 seasons, but as far as potential candidates goes, Zoey ("What is that, short for Zoseph?") isn’t at the top of my list. At this point, I’ll take what I can get though. She’s nice enough, and is getting a lot better. I’ll side with the twitterverse on this one, “True on all counts. RT @hitfixdaniel: Zoey became likable once #HIMYM abandoned her character & [wrote] her as "Jennifer Morrison is cute."” Here here!

Best Guest Star: Denis O’Hare for The Good Wife
The Good Wife always seems to have awesome guest stars, and Michael J. Fox is great and all, but Denis O’Hare’s turn as Judge Abernathy is one of my favorites. Not quite as fantabulous a character as vampire king Russell Edgington on True Blood, but O’Hare is great in anything. “And now for the weather. Tiffany?” Best of all? Judge Abernathy was promoting a blood drive. Hehe.

Worst Guest Star: Katy Perry for… does it really matter?
It was HIMYM, if you must know, but frankly, it doesn’t really matter what show she was in. She’s takes the cake. “Oh, honey,” indeed. Her “acting” was, well… well, you saw the quotation marks, right? Baaaaaad (and not in a cute, sheep kind of way). Let’s just she somehow managed to make playing herself look difficult.

Most Unfortunate and Entirely Undeserved Promotion: Hilarie Burton on White Collar
Ugh. Of all the people who did not need to be made a series regular, she’s pretty much the whole list. What’s worse, it’s not like they didn’t have better options. Alex is sitting right there and is infinitely better than Hilarie any day of the week. I’m sorry, but as far as I’m concerned, anyone who’s ever spent any time on One Tree Hill should automatically be restricted from appearing on anything else. And this is regarding a show that has a Saved By the Bell alum! I think it’s safe to say she’ll be the new love interest in Neal’s life, which means that Compazine will be the new love in mine. Geez, just when I heralded this show for doing things so very right this season, they go and screw things up. Boo. The writers of this show apparently don't understand chemistry because they also seem to think that Neal and Kate had any sizzle at all.

Most Underused Asset: Elizabeth on White Collar
The writers only occasionally incorporate Elizabeth into the A-plot (although it seems to be ever-increasing), but when they do, she’s solid gold.

Shadiest Dealings: Bond on The Good Wife
Spywaring your colleagues, eh Bond? Well, retribution is at hand. That’ll learn you to cross Will and Diane, but mostly it serves him right after screwing over Kalinda. That’s just beggin’ for punishment. The web keeps getting more and more tangled and I keep getting more and more delighted. Such a great show. How much did you love Will and Diane’s low-five? Classic.

Most Embarrassing Musical Number: Blaine singing “When I Get You Alone” to Captain Gap
It’s a pretty high bar, what with two episodes of Glee this week, but wow… that was painful and more than a wee bit creepy. I love Blaine, and I always enjoy his renditions of songs, but that Gap ad was truly unfortunate. I realize that that’s exactly what the writers were going for, but wow. I watched the better part of it through a gap in my fingers. In related news, poor Kurt. Quick note, this was a Ryan Murphy episode (which equals: kind of ridiculous with way too many songs, operating in some sort of parallel universe that resets after each episode), but that means that we should be due for a Brad Falchuk soon! Falchuck equals: appropriate number of songs, well-integrated into a story that actually makes sense. God I hope we’re due for one of those, because otherwise we might need to break up… I should clarify, I wasn’t over the moon with “Silly Love Songs”, but it was still better than the superbowl episode by a long shot.

Badass-iest Return: Justified
It’s been nearly a year, but it was well worth the wait. Picking up right where season 1 left off, season 2 kept pace, tied up some loose ends, and sparked a new season with a hell of a lot of panache. With Bo Crowder biting the big one last year, I wasn’t too sure where the show would go with season 2, but it’s even more awesome than I would have guessed. Enter the Bennett clan, stage (er, moonshine still) left. After killing off most of the season 1 baddies in the aptly titled Bulletville (it’s more than geography, it’s a way of life), they’ve seamlessly and brilliantly added a whole new crew of potential foes with a Hatfield/McCoy vibe to them that I’m absolutely loving. Matriarch Mags heads the family and is certifiably badass enough to tackle just about anything, methinks. That closing scene between her and Loretta’s father was hard core. And seriously disturbing. To go toe-to-toe with Raylan, you’ve got to be pretty intense and terrifying, and Mags excels at both, all while plying her guests with homemade Apple Pie Moonshine. She somehow balances warm and motherly with ruthless and deadly from one moment to the next. It’s disarming and scary and fabulous. She’s a force to be reckoned with, and if the previews for the rest of the season are any indication, Raylan does a hell of a lot of reckoning. I love the pace and tone of this show. It’s unlike just about any other show on the air. The writers brilliantly opened this season with a quick trip to Miami (not only harkening back to the pilot, but once again establishing Raylan as a wild west gunslinger, not a metropolitan police officer) which gave audiences a few minutes of what they’re so accustomed to seeing on TV, then switching gears and shipping us back to Kentucky where things are a bit slower, a lot less flashy, and far more grounded. Seeing Raylan in a setting like Miami is always a bit of a shock. He’s almost like an anachronism amid the scantily clad bikini models and million dollar mansions. He’s offered the chance to return to Miami, but Raylan, like the audience, can see that that’s no place for him. One of the things I love most about this show is that it delivers a different brand of good and evil. The good guys and bad guys on this show are just as serious as those on any other show, but the stakes seem a lot more genuine here. There’s no pomp and circumstance, no flashy car chases or slick costumes, it’s a glimpse at a very different culture than we usually see on TV. Indeed, more often than not, rural or Southern characters on any other show are often portrayed as backwater fools who don’t know a damn thing. That’s not really the case and Justified knows it. This show has an entirely different flavor than anything else I watch and gives its characters a whole other world to inhabit. I’m not sure how Boyd is going to factor into this season exactly, but I can’t wait to find out. The thought of him, Raylan, and Mags waging war with one another has me positively giddy. Matt Roush, my favorite critic and my superior in every conceivable way sums it up far better than I can, saying, “Justified is expert at taking the audience by delightful surprise, lulling you with its laid-back attitude, only to jolt you off the couch with a shock of grisly mayhem. But unlike many of its dramatic FX peers, the tone isn't gloomy or nihilistic or cynical. It's a blast.” Agreed. Let the family feud begin!

Crossover I Most Want to See: Raylan Givens makes a quick trip to Miami and has a mojito with Michael Westen
Man alive, it seems so completely absurd an idea because Miami and Kentucky may as well be on different planets, but that’s a meeting I’d pay good money to see.

Hottest and Most Ridiculous Retail Item in Mystic Falls: Scarves
Seriously, I just need to set up a boutique outside the Salvatore mansion and rake in the cash. “Can I interest you in something from our Animal Attack collection or the equally popular My Boyfriend Drank a Pint of My Blood but I Don’t Remember It line?” At least in Bon Temps people actually noticed the prevalence of scarves and called it into question. In Mystic Falls, scarves are basically the new black. Every single season. I have to wonder why Damon doesn’t bite people in less conspicuous places…

Best Way to Ruin a Dinner Party: Imply that the hostess is a prostitute...
Michael, I realize you’re trying to protect Alex on Nikita, but I can’t imagine it’s going to do a whole lot for her cover ID for her neighbors to think she’s a hooker. You know, because that’s not a profession that begs any questions at all. It also makes for the worst dinner ever. “Tonight we’ll be having seared awkward with a side of steamed uncomfortable…”

Quotes of the Week:

“They needed to think of something cooler than ‘Red Matter’ to be the main widget this time around. There were a few dozen meetings involved before they came up with Blue Chocolate, which has half the calories and can turn planets into marzipan. Mmm... marziplanets.”
--io9.com, making up reasons why the Star Trek 2 script isn’t done yet.

“Just knowing your tits are trying to kill you? That’s gotta suck.”
--Frank, from Shameless, trying to be sensitive at a cancer support group, and kinda sorta failing.

“Just in time for an April 1 release? RT @james_hibberd: 'Arrested Development' creator: Movie may be out this year.”
--via Twitter, courtesy of TVWithoutPity. I’ll just file this one under “Sad, but probably true.”

Quinn: “I’m torn.”
Santana: “Well, I’m not.”
Brittany: “I’m Brittany.”
--For all of Glee’s faults, and there are a lot of them, Brittany’s deliveries make the one-liners pure gold.

“I don’t want to die yet. At least not till One Tree Hill gets canceled.”
--Oh, Brittany, I should certainly hope OTH gets canceled before you do.

“Blaine and I love football. Well, Blaine loves football. I love scarves.”
--I'm guessing Kurt hails from Mystic Falls originally...

“On TV was a typical Mystic Falls local news broadcast. After several dead bodies had been found THAT MORNING, it seems the authorities had decided to skip the whole homicide investigation part and gone directly into memorial service mode. Fair enough. Nothing unusual about a bunch of dead bodies turning up. More animal attacks probably. At this point the town is just like, ‘Well, the animals are in charge now. Moving on.’"
--Price Peterson for TV.com, regarding the rash of dead bodies on The Vampire Diaries and the total apathy attached. In the chronology of the show, the entire series has taken like, a couple of months maybe? And at least 87 have died. They must have a hell of a lot of people moving to Mystic Falls on a regular basis or they’d have run out by now. I guess with all the death there were be more than a few jobs open… Hey, it's a tough economy out there, people.

Castle: “Get out of town, he’s right down the crater from me!”
Beckett: “Why doesn’t is surprise me that you have property on the moon?”
--I like to think he made a few celestial investments back on that “show [he] used to love.”

“He also told me, you poke a bear, you better have a shotgun pointed at his face.”
--Jarek, from quality new Monday night option The Chicago Code. That line pretty much sums up the show. You take on a corrupt political infrastructure, you better be prepared.

“I think I’ll overrule that on absurdity alone.”
--Denis O’Hare as Judge Abernathy on The Good Wife, hilariously shooting down Michael J. Fox in one of the best courtroom scenes to date.

Peter: [scoffs] “What was my nickname? Burke the Jerk? [pause] Oh, come on!”
Neal: “You tell me what else rhymes with Burke.”
Peter: “Work. Lurk. Smirk. Clerk works…”
--Hehe, oh White Collar, I love it that Peter’s name for Neal was James Bonds, completely badass and something Neal would love, and Neal’s name for Peter was so simple and insulting. Awesome.

Brittany: “Maybe try rocking back and forth, people do that in movies.”
Santana: “I just try to be really really honest with people when I think that they suck. You know?”
--Ryan Murphy episodes of Glee always seem to have an undercurrent of mean, which is actually the best part. And hey, honesty is the best policy… or whatever.

“It’s the boat buying event you’ve been waiting for!”
--I accidentally watched some commercials the other day. Good thing, or I might have missed the nautical retail event of the century! For thousands of years my people have waited for this day…

“Just ‘cause I’ve shot the occasional person doesn’t make me a thief.”
--Raylan Givens on Justified, explaining that his proclivities tend toward the deadly, not thieve-y.

Troy: “Why does being a librarian make her even hotter?”
Abed: “They’re keepers of knowledge. She holds the answers to all of our questions like, who will I marry, and… why are there still libraries.”
--Community, as ever, asking all the right questions.