Week-In-Review 3.1

Sorry this sucker is a little late in coming. I was dying on Friday and just didn't make it. I still feel pretty crappy today, but there doesn't seem to be any way around that...

Most Sobering Look at the Other Half: Fiona isn’t familiar with Word on Shameless
I couldn’t decide it if was incredibly sad or if I was incredibly jealous… Fiona is 21, so it was peculiar enough that she needed to take a class on how to use PowerPoint (“I don’t know what PowerPoint is, but I’m sure you’ll be great at it.”), but it was genuinely heartbreaking to see her so completely out of her depth with even the basics. As the instructor is asking those lame introductory questions, requesting a raise of hands regarding, “Who’s familiar with Microsoft? Microsoft Word? And Excel?” all the hands automatically go up… except for Fiona’s. On the one hand, the thought of never having used these programs felt like some fantabulous and unfathomable fantasy world that I could never be a part of, but on the other, it was pretty scary to think of how utterly crippling it would be to not know how to use a computer. To be so out of your depth is always discouraging, but to know that your only other option is working at a Hooter’s-esque sports bar? That’s unbelievably sad. It’s so completely foreign to me that anyone in this day and age would be unfamiliar with basic computing skills, but for these brutally poor kids who grew up on the wrong side of the tracks? I’m afraid it’s probably all too common a phenomenon.

Best Eyebrow Raiser: Steve isn’t really Steve on Shameless
I’ve always like Steve quite a lot, but now I kinda love him. From the beginning, it was pretty clear that there was more to Steve than meets the eye. As it awesomely turns out, that something more is a different identity entirely. One of the uppercrusty secret life players was apparently a brother, so I can’t imagine this is a long con, and have to assume that he really is a rich kid named Jimmy deep down. The Candace angle is a bit murkier, however… I’m not sure where she factors in or if she really is part of a long con… or who she really is, for that matter. For the first time since the show started, I kinda can’t wait to see what happens next week.

Clearest Indication That We’re Losing the War on Terror: Castle
Apparently a gigantic dirty bomb threatening the citizens of the largest city in the country only worries the national government to the point of sending one guy to save the day. Geez, it’s a good thing the NYPD has a goofy mystery writer on staff or we’d all be dead.

Most Interesting Racial Tidbit: Adrian Pasdar is half-Iranian
Given that his character on Castle was an FBI bigwig who happily engaged in racial profiling in his search for potential Middle Eastern terrorists, I thought the fact that he has Iranian heritage was kind of interesting. I’m not sure how or why I already knew that, but it made the casting choice all the more intriguing—especially given that it turned out that the bombers in the episode were homegrown ex-military men without a shred of Middle Eastern descent.

Least Believable Love Interest: Nora on HIMYM
Look, show, I realize you’re trying to give Barney some layers here, and I appreciate that, but for someone like Barney to really fall for a woman, she really need to have more going for her than Nora does. Barney has been with untold numbers of beautiful women, so to get audiences to believe that he’s really fallen in love, maybe you should have given his love interest more than just beauty. She’s bland as hell and I ain’t buyin’ it. Barney falling for Robin, while ultimately unfortunate, at least made sense. This just seems lazy.

Most Ridiculous Prudery: Face Off
For those of you unaware, this is a movie make-up competition show on Syfy that’s surprisingly entertaining… and fairly prudish, as it were. In a recent challenge, they had to swap the genders of engaged couples. Well, in making one of the fellas into a woman, one of the team created a silicone chest piece in order to give the man breasts. Apparently the detached, unpainted, vaguely breast-like structures pulled out of the mold were just too risqué for basic cable, because they literally blurred the area where nipples would eventually go. Seriously!? Seriously. I’m starting to think that someone is doing that as a joke. Surely it’s a joke, right???

Character Most in Need of a Sandwich: Sarah on White Collar
Holy hell, I’ve never been a fan of Hilarie Burton in general (acting, the total lack of chemistry with Neal, etc), but I’m realizing just how difficult she is to look at in certain outfits. I’m all for being thin, but her shoulders are disgusting. You can see every joint and bone and sinew. Sure, everyone enjoys having a better understanding of a ball-and-socket joint, but this is going too far. Ew.

Least Believable Love Scene: Speaking of Sarah on White Collar
Ugh. When I saw that Alex was going to be in this last episode (I saw the actress’ name in the opening credits), I was hopeful that the writers wouldn’t actually take the Neal/Sarah whateverness in the direction I had feared. It was only a little hope (I’m realistic here), but it was something. Now, what with Neal’s and Sarah’s awkward and unconvincing romp in the hall of records (sexy!), I’m trying to force myself to accept the fact that Sarah really is going to be a series regular next year and that the writers are insistent on pairing her up with Neal. UGH. Aside from my inherent biases against Hilarie Burton as an actress, there is absolutely no heat between Sarah and Neal no matter what your perspective is. Seriously, there are a few Hilarie fans out there (I assume), but I’m guessing even they weren’t convinced. So unfortunate. So forced. So awkward. On the other side of the coin, even Neal’s random conversations with Alex are sexy as hell. They don’t even have to touch for there to be heat. Neal and Sarah can tear each other’s clothes off and can’t even come close. I don’t want to have to stop watching the show, but I hate this storyline. A lot.

Most Shameful Product Placement: White Collar
The only thing I hate more than a bad storyline is a bad product placement. Sometimes a shameless product placement is funny or necessary (these shows have to pay the bills somehow, right?), but with White Collar, is just seems sad and desperate and painfully obvious. Dear Ford (I think), I am in no way more inclined to purchase your product now that Peter has shown me all the ridiculous features that I don’t need. Burn Notice manages to integrate cars and whatnot with ease, finding completely logical reasons for the characters to use the features of said products without shoving it in your face. White Collar? Not so much. Fail.

Awesomest Quintuple-Cross: The Good Wife
One the of best parts of this show is that it keeps viewers on their toes. I was honestly unsure if that one guy was actually double-crossing them or not. As the episode wore one, I started figuring out that he was actually double-crossing Bond, but with this show, you can never be sure, even right up till the last minute. Who knows, he could have been telling Will and Diane that he would screw Bond over, but until the vote was had, he could have gone either way. Phew! Amazing.

Best Kiss: Cary and Kalinda on The Good Wife
I did not see that coming! Honestly, as the scene progressed, I found myself hoping Cary would kiss her (as is so often the hope when these two are onscreen together), but it usually never happens! It totally makes sense that in Kalinda’s Rules of the Universe, giving someone a change-of-address notification is tantamount to a declaration of love, so I guess Cary felt like he had the green light. Wowzers, it was just a simple little kiss, almost a peck, but it was utterly squee-worthy. Seriously, there was more sizzle in Cary and Kalinda’s lip lock than in Sarah and Neal’s near-nudity.

Best Summation of the Profession of “English Teacher” in a Nutshell: Parenthood
I’ve been trying to give Parenthood a second chance, but after last week’s episode (in which the characters basically screamed at each other for an hour solid), I wasn’t too confident. But, I had heard that Jason Ritter would be back, so I tuned in. It was actually a pretty enjoyable episode and involved only minimal fast-forwarding. The best part though was Lorelai’s summation of Ritter’s essential function as an English teacher. When giving a critique of someone’s writing, it pretty much boils down to 1) give 2 or 3 vaguely positive comments to make the person feel good about him/herself, 2) then move on to several super-specific criticisms that make the writer question his/her will to live. Yup, that about sums it up.

Smallest World: Mike and Antonia on Top Chef
Yeah, so, after an entire season of them annoying each other like a couple of quarreling siblings, it turns out, the two of them are actually related. In one of the show’s more creative and interesting challenges of late, the cheftestants got a peak at their genealogy only to find that if you go back a few generations, Mike and Antonia have a lot more in common than just cooking. Ha!

Cruelest Trick: Top Chef
Okay, it’s one thing to tease some random contestant with, “Please pack your knives… because you’re advancing to the finals!” but to do that to Richard “I might just have a heart attack right here in the stew room” Blaise? That’s just mean. Poor guy looks like he was going to collapse… then punch Padma right in the face.

Most Perplexing Crush: I seem to have developed an odd fascination with Tim Gutterson on Justified…
I don’t know what it is or where it came from, but here we are. I find myself inexplicably captivated.

Most Interesting Collision of Two Shows: Ian Somerhalder auditioned for True Blood
I think somewhere in the back of my brain I knew this already, but I seem to have forgotten because it came as a surprise. In spite of Ian’s current vampire gig as Damon on The Vampire Diaries, he actually auditioned to play Jason Stackhouse on True Blood. As awesome as I think he would have been in that role, I think vampirism suits him better.

**Quotes of the Week**

“George, you’re chitchatting—with a gimp.”
--Nina, Being Human (UK). I was only intermittently fond of Nina in season 1, but in season 2 she’s become completely awesome (and funny as hell to boot).

“The Oscars are this Sunday and I think it’s Charlie Sheen’s year. He might make it into the In Memoriam montage.”
--The Soup. Alas, he didn’t make it. No worries, Charlie, you're a shoe-in for next year!

“In book news, Jesse James has signed a book deal with Simon & Schuster to write his memoirs, American Outlaw. Oh, I see, he’s calling it Jesse James: American Outlaw so people will associate it with the murderous bank robber… and not that guy everyone hates.”
--The Soup, regarding Sandra Bullock’s winner of an ex-husband.

"contrary to the rumors, i am not replacing charlie sheen on two and half men. however, martin sheen has asked me to be his son"
—John Stamos via twitter

“The feeling of being hurried is not usually the result of living a full life and having no time. It is on the contrary born of a vague fear that we are wasting our life. When we do not do the one thing we ought to do, we have no time for anything else -- we are the busiest people in the world.”
--Eric Hoffer, philosopher and author (1902-1983). This came with my word-a-day email. In this respect, my calendar actually is pretty damn full.

“Bat shit must be offended by all the Charlie Sheen comparisons.”
--via twitter, courtesy of Schindizzle

“Salt, meet wound. RT @thetvaddict: If #VeronicaMars was still on, its 2.5 million viewers would make it one of The CW's top rated shows!”
-- TVWithoutPity via twitter. Good god that’s depressing (for VM fans, sure, but I think it’s an even tougher pill to swallow for the network, er, “network”).

“You belong in the trophy case of sons of bitches.”
--Glenn Childs, expressing what fans of The Good Wife have thought about Peter Florrick since day one.

Alicia: “I don’t think I even have your old address.”
Kalinda: “Well, now you have my new one.”
Alicia: [mock sentimentality] “I feel like we’ve grown closer together.”
Kalinda: “Okay, give it back.”
Alicia: “Oh, no no no no. This is going in my copy of Eat Pray Love.”
--The Good Wife

Tim: “At least you got to shoot your father. Mine had the nerve to die before I got back from basic with skills and a loaded weapon.”
Raylan: “You didn’t miss much. I thought it was going to be way more fun than it was.”
--Justified. Apparently crappy fathers are required for employment with the US Marshals. That, or shitty fathers are even more common than I thought.

“If you don’t use them then all our money just goes to charity!”
--Noooooooo! Phil on Modern Family regarding some gift certificates they purchased for some sort of charity. Whatever that charity may be, it ain’t gettin’ my money for nothin’!