Monday, July 20, 2009

Going Deep

Okay, I wasn't planning on mentioning anything about TNT's latest drama Dark Blue, but it's the only thing to have premiered lately and I'm feelin' a little bloggy (which sounds only slightly worse than it is).

As with so many of the latest shows on TV, the writers out there appear to be pretty desperate to find a new angle on the standard cop show/procedural. Writers have been scouring pretty much every nook and cranny of the job looking for ways to change things up and hopefully present something new and different to viewers. Here we have the latest incarnation. Dark Blue centers around the dark, seedy, dangerous world of undercover work. As far as fishing for new material is concerned, I've certainly heard of worse, so I went in to this show with a bit of optimism.

All told, it wasn't a bad pilot, but where the writers have striven (which is actually a word) to find a fresh approach to an old conceit with their focus un undercover agents, it ultimately uses a whole bunch of the same elements, character traits, and storlyline motifs that so many other cop shows have in spades. Fortunately for this viewer, I don't watch a lot of cop shows (and only a few procedurals), so while I could clearly recognize a lot of the same stuff I'd seen before, it's not the kind of premise I watch every week, so it didn't wear on me as it likely could have.

Dark Blue centers on Dylan McDermot's character Carter, the leader of a super secret (basically black ops) undercover team that infiltrates criminal organizations, gang, and crime syndicates in an attempt to take them down from the inside. The pilot centers around a member of Carter's team who, it is feared, has gotten in too deep and is believed may have turned. It's a dynamic that isn't explored all that often in my usual line-up of shows, so in that sense, the deep cover angle did manage to make this particular cop show refreshing. The psychological impact of this line of work is largely unparalleled and the fear that simply doing the job well could lead to your own teammate turning against you is a compelling dynamic to explore. The ways in which this line of work affects who a person is, how they do their jobs, and what their family and friends have to endure is something I haven't really seen a lot of, so it genuinely was a more unique angle than I expected.

That said, I'm not sure the execution of this concept was expertly carried out and I have to wonder about the long-term viability of the conceit. Along with the more interesting and uncommon psychological, professional, and interpersonal dynamics of the show, it also offered a healthy dollop of the usual fare. In standard badass cop show fashion, Carter is the leader of a rag tag group of undercover cops who do their job better than anyone else, blah, blah, blah. You know, the kind of cast that walks down a dark alley in slow motion (you wouldn't believe how easy it was to find a picture to back this up). What would lead Carter to this line of work? Well, as per usual, his wife was killed or something, which we learn, I kid you not, as he watches old home videos while drowning his sorrows in a dark, empty apartment. Also, the pilot very un-subtley points to aspects of addiction in his life and his total "the job is all I have to live for" lonerishness. McDermot does a decent enough job with the role, but the writers doled out way too much of his character right off the bat and didn't really leave me wanting to know more.

I found the supporting cast to be much stronger, even in spite of some pretty obvious archetypal characters. We have the glasses-wearing, yet still attractive command center operator, the rebel who pushes the boundaries and breaks the rules, the dutiful, yet flawed operative who tries to do right by everyone, and of course, the new recruit (because if there's one thing this kind of show needs, it's a newbie who acts as the audience's window into this new world--basically just an excuse for plot exposition). Oh, and she's blonde and sexy, lest you think they'd break the mold. She's a cop with a checkered past or something, so Carter seeks her out and brings her into the fold or whatever... You know, the usual.

Anyway, in spite of the standard character constructions, the supporting cast actually did a pretty good job with the roles and did a fair job making the characters their own. I thought Logan Marshall-Green (who plays Dean, the rebellious undercover cop who might have turned) did the best job, although granting that he clearly had the most to work with. It took me a while to figure out who he was, but as it turns out, he played Trey Atwood on The O.C. Had his character in Dark Blue killed of some sort of ersatz Marissa, I'd have been beside myself with O.C. nostalgia. :) No such luck, but he certainly had the most compelling storyline and the most engaging psychological situation. His relationship with Carter (a kind of father/son, mentor-ish type vibe) added even more layers. The look on Carter's face when presented with evidence that Dean has turned was one of the best scenes in the pilot. He plays your typical bad boy, but he does it with panache and quite a lot of charm.

Officer Good Cop and New Recruit Blondie (whose names I can't remember) round out the regular cast, and for what they were given, did a decent enough job. Officer Good Cop elucidates the struggle between an undercover cop's personal and professional lives (and clearly has a difficult time separating the two) and New Recruit Blondie takes on the role of enthusiastic newbie, a character we've all seen before. To the character's credit, she's not quite a doe-eyed as usual and certainly less useless, but I still didn't find her all that engaging. I was actually quite glad to see her jump right in to her new position and actually do it well. It was a nice change of pace from the rookie who screws everything up, but she still struck me as a stock character through and through. It'll take quite a few more episodes for these two to make a splash, but in and of themselves, they're decent enough and serves their respective purposes well.

In terms of the episode-to-episode progression of the story, I'm just not sure how a show with this concept is going to work. It can't really be a procedural, given that each undercover assignment requires weeks, months, and even years at a time, so unless the show skips around in time an awful lot, the audience is going to be presented with story arcs that take an awfully long time to pay off. Depending on what approach the writers ultimately take, this could be disastrous or awesome. I've never been too fond of procedurals that wrap everything up in a nice little bow at the end of the hour, but at the same time, I don't know that I want to watch an undercover agent slowly trying to worm his or her way into a group of criminals over the course of an entire season. It's a problematic conceit from a standard TV format point of view, but that doesn't mean they can't make it work. I'll be giving this one a few more episodes to really establish itself, but after having only seen the pilot, I'm more uneasy than anything else. The show has a lot working for it, but it also has a lot of logistical nightmares to grapple with. Personally, I'm hoping the writers establish some of the criminal elements in such a way that the audience, along with the cops, has a hard time deciding whose side they want to be on. That's not an easy thing to do, even if I think it would be the most compelling way to run the series, so the writers on Dark Blue definitely have their work cut out for them if that's the angle they take.

My only other major concern with the show is in terms of tone. The pilot was very dark and even a little disturbing at times (the show literally opened on a scene of a guy being tortured with electro-shock--not really my cup of tea). I love my hard-hitting dramas as much as the next person, but for a show on TNT, particularly one paired with the light-hearted revenge caper Leverage, I'm just not sure that's going to strike the proper chord with audiences. The pilot premiered to a good-sized audience, but it's darker and more sobering than TNT's usual fare. Not that that's a bad thing, but it's a heavy way to end an evening, especially after the goofy antics on Dark Blue's lead-in. It almost felt like the show was trying very very hard to be dark for the sole sake of being dark, rather than as a natural extension of the subject matter. All in all, it felt a little forced.

At the end of the day, it was a pretty well-made pilot and has some decent bones to work with, Jerry Bruckheimer's involvement notwithstanding. The base concept has merit, but I'm not sure it's being showcased as well as it could be here. I'll be giving Dark Blue a couple more weeks to really find its footing, but so far, it's take it or leave it.

Tuesday, July 14, 2009

Bryce Larkin, Back in Action

Even though the Big 4 (ABC, NBC, CBS, and Fox (the CW is kind of there too, but not really--the Big 4 1/2? Oh, CW... you try real hard, don't you...)) get the most attention come pilot season, cable can't be counted out. Yes, even basic cable. With my love of Burn Notice and Psych (and to a lesser extent, In Plain Sight) in mind, I'm more than a little intrigued by USA Network's latest project. Add my love of USA Network to my love for NBC's Chuck, and I think we might just have a winner on our hands.

USA's newest show (set to premiere this fall-ish) stars Chuck alum Matthew Bomer (aka Bryce Larkin). It would appear that Bryce was killed off for real this time in the season 2 finale, so his schedule should be wide open to headline a new show. I've always rather enjoyed Matthew Bomer (on several levels) and I'm really glad to see he'll be back on TV in yet another action/comedy series.

All that's come out so far is a short promo:



My Take: Well, it's a concept we've seen before, but I have to admit, it's one I haven't seen for a while (particularly on TV). The whole Catch Me If You Can, cops and criminals working together conceit has been done, to be sure, but I still think this show has a lot of potential. As mentioned, it has a lot going for it at the baseline. USA Network has a pretty impressive track record with lighter procedural shows, and handled in the right way, I think White Collar could be a hell of a lot of fun. It doesn't appear to take itself too seriously (which is good), and if anyone can pull off that rakish rogue bravado, I think it's Bomer. As I mentioned, this is the kind of dynamic that's been done a few times before, but with good reason. I've always rather enjoyed the "that's how I would do it" approach to solving crimes and who better to fill in those blanks than a criminal? This arrangement generally makes for interesting interpersonal relationships as well. Neither party really knows if he or she can trust the other, so even when the working relationship appears to be at its best, there's always doubt. It makes for a more clouded, insecure dynamic, and that can make for a nice roller-coaster of motives, agendas, and allegiances. Count me in.

Bottom Line? In spite of Tiffani Thiessen and the Saved By The Bell/90210-vertones that she brings to the table, I think this could be a lot of fun and not a lot of commitment. It doesn't strike me as the kind of show that you simply can't miss an episode or you'll be lost for the season and a half, which is nice sometimes. Don't get me wrong, I love the high commitment shows as well, but it's also nice to have something a little lighter and more playful on the docket. I'll definitely be giving this one a chance and hope it lives up to expectations.

Monday, July 6, 2009

ABC Pilots: Volume 2

I don't know exactly what ABC's schedule looks like for next year (they're so thoroughly subject to change that I don't generally bother until the time comes--plus, with the DVR, it doesn't really matter), but, given the sheer (shear?) volume, I have to assume that several of their pilots will premiere at midseason... It's looking like V, Deep End, and Happy Town will all start up around January. I am finally, finally, finally getting around to the rest of ABC's lineup. I tried to coax Annie into taking the reins on these, but she had a lot of non-wedding anniversary stuff to take care of...

At any rate, the rest of the contenders (those who weren't included in volume 1) are as follows:

THE FORGOTTEN




My Take: Well, right off the bat, for a show with as serious a subject matter as this, it seems pretty spectacularly cheesetastic... although I suppose that's a natural extension of earnest self-importance... It's honestly kind of difficult to even assess this kind of show after a while. This is an admittedly different angle on the procedural, but I'm not sure it's an improvement. Although the approach is a bit different, the end result and ultimate goals are still largely the same. This puts a bit more focus on identifying the victim than your usual crime show, but I don't think that's enough to re-invent this particular wheel. The victim's voice-over didn't really work for me and I'm hoping that was for the sake of the pilot and not an ongoing motif, but I'm guessing I'm wrong. In all honesty, this show will look a hell of a lot different when it actually becomes a series. Several cast changes have already been made, including the lead, and not for the better... Hot off the ignominious failure that was My Own Worst Enemy, Christian Slater will play Alex Donovan, a former lawman who heads up the "Identity Network" (which sounds more like a social networking site than a super-duper crime fighting team to me). The role was filled in the pilot by British actor Rupert Penry-Jones (BBC's Spooks). Also, the role of Linda is being recast as well. She was played in the pilot by Reiko Aylesworth from 24. Anyway, when major cast shake-ups occur, usually the whole entity undergoes some serious changes, so I expect this will turn into something quite different than what we're seeing now. Given the changes so far, and the fact that Jerry Bruckheimer has his sticky fingers involved, I'm afraid the changes won't be for the better.

Bottom Line? I think this is going to be yet another derivative crime procedural in an already overcrowded sea of derivative crime procedurals. I'll give it a shot, but I think my quota has already been filled.

V



My Take: I have to say, of all the pilots coming out this fall, V looks like it has the most potential for awesomeness. This series is based on a miniseries from the 80s that has a fairly substantial cult following. I never actually saw the miniseries, so I'll be embarking into this territory without any pre-conceived notions. Not only does the concept have a lot of potential, but the show boasts a pretty impressive cast thus far. Elizabeth Mitchell (of Lost fame) is headlining the show and she is joined by various Whedon alums who play fellow FBI peeps and aliens alike. The giant face in the sky belongs to Morena Baccarin (aka Inara from Firefly) and I believe that was Alan Tudyk playing one of Mitchells FBI comrades (I've heard conflicting information about his involvement in the show, but I'm wagering he'll be at least a recurring character, if not a regular). At first, it has an unfortunate Independence Day vibe, but fortunately said vibe was stolen from much better source materials, so I'm confident V will hold its own and avoid any and all Will Smith-related comparisons (I've only seen the trailer and can tell you it deserves much better). It may just be the sci-fi geek inside me, but I'm kinda sorta totally stoked to see Morena and company lull humanity into a stupor of admiration and devotion and then destroy the whole lot... Call me crazy, but that sounds like a grand old time. :) Sci-fi has had a hard run over the past few years, so I'm hoping to hell this show really knocks it out of the park and finds a following right quick. ABC has a better track record for such feats than, say, I don't know, Fox, so with any luck, it shouldn't be a problem. V will premiere at midseason, presumably after Lost's final season premiere.

Bottom Line? The whole affair looks solid from beginning to end. I've always enjoyed a show that appeals to a cult following. Add that to my Whedon devotion and the glowing reviews I've come across so far and I suspect this will feature prominently in my top tier. It looks to be a slick production from people who know what they're doing, so I'm confident it will handled in the right way. I kinda can't wait. :) Scott Wolf notwithstanding.

MODERN FAMILY



My Take: You know, at first glance, I assumed it would be awful, but it actually looks pretty decent. Good, I dare say. It's not often that a promo alone is enough to elicit even a smile from me, but the preview for Modern Family was actually pretty funny here and there. The single camera style is pretty much the norm these days and as far as I'm concerned, is totally welcomed. Anything that means there's no laugh track and I'm on board. I can't help but to think if Arrested Development had come out this year, it would have done oh-so-much better. Anyway, in kind of a similar vein, Modern Family is delightfully disfunctional (rather than desperately, laboriously disfunctional, which is so often the case). I'm not completely sold on the show, what with my hatred for children on TV and all, but this one seems to be hitting a much funnier and more enjoyable note than most. The scene on the plane really cracked me up. It just so simple and yet effective and funny to have the baby holding actual cream puffs that I couldn't help but to smile. And offering to pay for everyone's headsets? Perfect.

Bottom Line? When I first heard about this one, I assumed it would be your standard family comedy, but I'm very pleased to see that it has a lot more edge and a lot better approach than the crap that's currently out there. There aren't a lot of comedies that really strike the right chord with me, but, shocked as I am, I think Modern Family might just hit the right note. As long as it steers clear of the usual cliches and keeps an inappropriate edge, I think it'll work. Here's hoping.

THE MIDDLE



My Take: You know those standard, un-funny family comedies I mentioned in the Modern Family discussion? Yeah... The Middle is one of those. This show just appears to be trying so very hard to be funny that it totally isn't. The whole "haggard mother who doesn't know what happened to her life" routine is pretty played out (not that I cared to watch it the first 874 times) and I have the slightest tendency to completley loathe Patricia Heaton, so this one was off-putting from the get-go. It was a very short clip, but somehow way too long all at the same time. This show really doesn't seem to be up my alley or worth my time. When I saw that it was billed as "a sitcom about a Midwestern family living middle-American values," I pretty much knew it wasn't going to be love at first sight. I'd have lemon-lawed this sucker in seconds.

Bottom Line? I'll pass, thanks. I don't have children, don't want to have children, and don't need this show to remind me of just how much I don't want to have children in order to not have children. Blah.

HANK



My Take: The dreaded laugh track... It's annoying on principle, but when applied to something that doesn't actually elicit any laughing, it basically shines a spotlight on the un-funniness. Ugh. I generally quite enjoy Kelsey Grammer and adored the first several seasons of Frasier, but with this new gig, Grammer doesn't appear to have found his footing or really created a character. I realize that generally takes more than just a pilot to establish, but it was still kind of painful to see him so out of depth. It's not like it's the kind of role he couldn't handle, he just, well... didn't. The dialogue was clunky and forced, the jokes were ham-fisted, and the laugh track helped show me where the writers actually thought they were being funny, but totally weren't. It's the kind of concept that could work, if standard sitcom fare is your game, but I'm underwhelmed. And a little in pain.

Bottom Line? Well, um... it's good to see he's getting work? Ugh. It would take a whole hell of a lot to make this work and from what I've seen and read, it ain't gonna happen.

THE DEEP END






My Take: Well, show for show, this baby has more "oh hey, it's that guy!" than just about any other I've come across. Teeming with people who have been in a bunch of other stuff can be a detriment at times, but none of these were real headliners in previous projects, so I don’t think it’ll be a problem. Was that Billy Zane? He kind of fell of the planet… or should I say, into “the deep end”! Oy. Sorry, couldn’t resist. Anyway, this looks like kind of a throw back to legal shows of the late 90s, so I’m feeling a bit nostalgic. The tone looks to be more lighthearted than your usual hard-hitting drama, but toward the end of the preview, they seemed to be trying to walk the comedy/drama line and, sadly, not walking it very well. It has your standard legal show clichés and stereotypical characters, but that’s not to say it doesn’t have promise. There’s a reason that formula is so popular, after all. I’m just afraid that it won’t be able to really make its own mark and will lose my attention before I can really get invested. I adore Tina Majorino (she was one of the many wonderful aspects of Veronica Mars), but her character seems to be particularly (and intentionally) annoying, and not in a charming way, so that’s a downer. The rest of the cast appears to be decent enough and suitably charming for this kind of set up, so if the writers play their cards right, I don’t see why this couldn’t be a nice little genre piece. Taken in the wrong direction, and it could just be a derivative mess. Only time will tell.

Bottom Line? I’m not over the moon for this one, but it doesn’t look awful… yet. There were certain aspects to the preview that rubbed me the wrong way, but it looks watchable overall. I don’t think it’d ever be a first tier contender, but hopefully it’s good enough to grace the second.

Thursday, July 2, 2009

That's a goldfish cracker...

Given that 90% of the people who read my blog read Annie's blog as well, you likely have come across Annie's most recent post Celebrating Freedom. Well, prior to posting, she had me read over it to see if anything was missing. Turns out, all that was missing was commentary (and a few other story tidbits that she won't allow me to post...). Anyway, for those of you who already know this story, I'm sure you have more than a few comments of your own, so feel free to add comments for anything I may have missed.

Below is a copy of her story (in black) and my thoughts on the situation (in blue). (It seemed a fitting color combination...) Enjoy, reminisce, gag...
  • This weekend is the 4th of July. As most of you know, it's my favorite holiday. But that's not the only thing I'm celebrating this week. No, today marks the 4-year anniversary of my un-wedding day... I don't even know where to begin. It's somewhat of a hilarious story, rich in intrigue and a lot of "what the...?!". Let me just start by saying: I AM SO GLAD PEOPLE (i.e., me) CAN CHANGE {So are we all, Annie. So are we all.}.

    About 4 1/2 years ago, I was ramping up to start my last semester of college, trying to decide what I wanted to do with my life. Through a strange twist of whatever, I had ended up living by myself. I was feeling lonely and vulnerable. It was the holiday season, and while I had a wonderful family not too far away, it was kind of depressing to come home to an empty house in the bleak winter. (Note: this is in no way justification for what comes up next... {I'm not sure a bout of psychosis could adequately justify what's about to come next, but I do enjoy that your justification includes words like: lonely, vulnerable, depressing, bleak, and empty--but it's totally not a justification!})

    At that time, I had been dabbling in the world of Internet dating--which, now having the hindsight I do, I would not recommend--and I came across an interesting guy. 'Interesting' is the only word to describe him, really {Oh, I don’t know. I’m pretty sure I can think of a few more… see below}. We chatted all night one night and I figured that meant love {I can't believe Webster's Dictionary let you down like that...}. I mean, a guy is interested by my profile and wants to talk with me? Score. I had made it through a year and a half of living in Utah's biggest dating pool {read: shark tank} and hadn't gotten a ring on my finger yet. Read: I was desperate. For some reason, I had gotten it through my head that if I made it through college unmarried, I would have been a failure {“For some reason?” Seriously? Have ya met Provo? I’m pretty sure the name comes from the old English verb “provote,” meaning “to drown single people over the age of 22 in a lake.”}

    So here I was, chatting with this guy (whose profile picture wasn't half bad {yeah, it was all bad—ba dum bum}) and feeling like we connected. We agreed to chat the next night, too. You know, it was kind of nice to have something to look forward to the next day. I was a little wary, only having known this guy via the Internet, but I tend to give people the benefit of the doubt and gloss over their flaws. But we ended up chatting for another long night, at which point he saw fit to tell me something about how we were destined to be together {"You hang up." "No, you hang up."} I fell. Hard. {Can you say MMfeo…? ma FE o…?} A guy who was interested in me! For ME! It was fate!! He wanted more pictures; I sent them. He wanted to meet in person; I planned a trip to California. It seemed like everything was falling into place in happy little Annie world.

    We'll fast forward a little bit...so many (now embarrassing) things happened in the next couple months. Now that I can look back at it and see how ridiculous I was, I can chuckle and be so grateful that I dodged that bullet. Here are some of our adventures:

    * My parents and sister came with me to California to meet him. Oh what a trip...I'm so grateful for a father who was willing to help me see something through, even though I'm sure he was afraid for my total well-being. Seriously. Kudos to him. On this trip, I discovered that this guy had a horrible car, horrible job, was mean to his mother, and didn't respect me like he should. But there I was, kissing him {excuse me while I go scrub that image out of my head… Yeah… I really hated that guy}. And wearing a fake engagement ring. Man, the blinders were on... He even gave me his letterman jacket {well, now that you’re 16…}.

    * We got a joint phone plan. Hey, free talking time whenever we wanted. I would text him from work, he would call and leave me sappy voicemails. Honestly, though, we didn't know ANYTHING about each other {well, in his defense, “I’m an annoying psychopath” isn’t really a good opening line--unless you're a pasty vampire from a crappy series of novels, that is... then it works like a charm}.

    * He came to visit me for Valentine's Day...I paid for half his plane ticket. (Stupid, so stupid!) We went and took pictures on Temple Square. He thought we should use them for our engagement photos. Looking at those pictures, he had a little head and we looked so weird sitting next to each other! I wish I still had them for a little show-and-tell... {and I wish I had them for blackmail} Also for Valentine's Day, we went and visited his sister who lives in Utah. And we all went out to dinner. The original plan was to go to Chuck-A-Rama {geez, if that was plan A, I don't even want to know what plan B was... oh wait}, but who knew it would be so busy on Valentine's Day? So we ended up at... Beto's. Romantic, eh? {Ohhhh, Beto’s. HA! Solid gold. Oh, Annie, he was a real winner, er, I mean, gourmand… Nothin’ says lovin’ like salmonella… The couple that crumples over in pain together, stays together…}

    * I was planning on putting him through school. I was graduating that following Spring, so it worked out perfectly, that I would just work and he'd go to school, and I would fund it all. Problem: he wanted children right away {oh dear lord, the thought of sleeping with that skeezball just wigged me out something fierce. The thought of those Beto's-y fingers all over the place... Eeeeeewwwoaahhhh!}. Even bigger problem: I wasn't going to say no to this plan because I wanted so badly for him to love me that I was willing to sacrifice my entire existence and all of my sanity {a tendency you have thankfully overcome}.

    My friends hated him {That’s me! That’s me! You know, what with my being conscious and all, it was kind of impossible to avoid...}. They wouldn't tell me at the time because they really wanted to be supportive of me {Annie, my dear, you were just too gung-ho to listen to reason or notice our disgust—I damn near strained my neck irreparably giving Lisa so many sideways glances and looks of horror}, but now we joke and laugh (and shudder) about how close I came to ruining my life that year. My boss at the time even met him and told me later that he was so angry about the one small interaction they had. My mom cried herself to sleep nightly, afraid that I would be throwing away a good future. And you know what? They were all right. He was not for me. I would like to think that I would have grown up and figured out how smothering and horrible he was on my own...I'm just glad I didn't have to find that out. I can just about guarantee that I would be a divorcee by now if I'd gone through with it {and you’d be toting around little miscreants with his DNA… jam hands and all... "Yikes" just doesn't quite cover it...}.

    He didn't want to leave California and move to Utah to be near me. Does anyone see a problem with this? {I don't know, if I were forced to have a relationship with Mr. X, I'm pretty sure I'd want at least a two state buffer.} There was some sort of lame excuse about him being able to move up in the company where he worked--mind you, it was a car dealership. His job? Driving the shuttle van and washing cars {Hey, he was moving up in the world, missy. He was practically a hero, in fact. Whenever a bug gets splattered on a windsheild, he'll be there. Any time a van needs, uh, shuttling...}. Sounds like you got your life all lined up there, buddy. I told him I'd find him a job here. He told me that I should leave my good job (that was turning to full time after I graduated) and go be with him there. "If you love me, you'll do it." Ugh. That's one of the worst phrases in human history. Don't be manipulative like that. {"Ugh" is right. Plus some eye-rolling, gagging, and possible suicide.}

    People, this guy was an IDIOT {I like that you used all caps, Annie, just in case the first 800 lines of testimony weren't quite convincing enough}. I make it a point not to bash people on this blog, but I'm trying to prove a point here: don't be afraid to be yourself and find someone who will love you for that. He would always ask me how much weight I was going to lose before the wedding. {"I don't know, Mr. X, how high can you count?"} His wardrobe consisted of bad t-shirts and board shorts--his excuse? "I'm from California. I like to surf." Do you surf every day?! He hadn't done any school. His favorite movie was The Skulls (Lacy likes to remind me of that whenever we get talking about this—{what can I say? It’s a dealbreaker… among many, many, many dealbreakers}). He considered himself an artist {yeah, and I'm a cellist}, but his drawings were hideously awful. Everything had to be his way. He would even tell me how to dress and what I should think.

    Slowly, I could feel him pulling away after a couple months of being 'engaged.' He hadn't bought me a ring, and he would yell at me any time I would talk about the future. He bandied the word 'stupid' about when he was addressing me. And I felt stupid. I should have known better, but I am the type of person who tries to fix problems instead of just dumping a relationship, so I figured I just need to work harder at it. So I tried. And it got worse. Lots of tears... lots of self-esteem down the drain... {Now what have learned from this? Always quit. It's a motto that has served me well for decades.}

    I didn't love him. I loved the idea of him. During one of our phone conversations, he said, "You don't even know yourself." OUCH. So I sat down and made lists (it's what I do...) about who I was and goals I had and reasons I thought I wanted to be with him. I thought I had solved our relationship issues. I remember one night when he said, "What would you do if I said I didn't want to do this?" Silly me, I thought this was a hypothetical question, but I answered, "I wouldn't make you do it. It wouldn't be worth it." And it was a downward spiral from there {by which you mean an upward spiral to freedom and prosperity}. He stopped returning my calls. He stopped saying 'I love you.' When we did speak, it was very hostile and put me on edge.

    Ultimately, he ended up breaking things off {when I tell this story, Annie, you’re the one who broke things off--I believe that's #106, 284 in the best friends handbook--which has clearly thought of everything}. And he did it in a particularly cruel way: over a voicemail that said, "Don't you understand English? It's OVER!!" {That's absurd anyway you slice it, but coming from him? Beyond ridiculous. Every time I've heard anything about the break up, I can hear Mr. X in my head saying, "Me fail English? That's unpossible."} I was devastated the first couple days. I packed up a box of his things and sent it back to him {with some anthrax, one would hope}, called the temple and cancelled our wedding appointment (July 2, 2005), and just called my sister and cried. My family was so supportive as I was dealing with this blow; my dad came and took me to dinner and spoke very wisely about some of his heartache. Everyone in my ward was so kind, especially when I had to say to them, "Oh no, I'm not getting married anymore." After awhile, I was able to laugh and say, "No! It's a good thing!" And I truly believed that.

    It really doesn't take long to move on from something so bad for you. It's like after you've been sick and you haven't been able to eat, you have to ease back into normal diet routines, but you're just so grateful you can eat again. {Heh, I thought I was joking with the food poisoning correlation, but yeah, not so much.} I felt like I had been given a new chance at dating and finding someone who wouldn't try to control me or belittle me.

    Since then, I know little to nothing of his whereabouts. What I do know is that he ended up getting married after all. To a girl who was a reformed stripper {it was clearly a choice of marry Mr. X or taking a tour on the Rock of Love Bus--oh, holy god, Brett Michaels or Mr. X...? That's actually a tough call... well, Conquest, War, Famine, Death... annnnd this.}. And after figuring out the timeline of how things went down for the two of them, it is quite possible that he was dating her while he was engaged to me. I have so many words for him at this point...but this is a clean blog post, so I will refrain. :) {My blog, however, is not so clean. Annie's ex was a tool/douchebag/dipshit/effing loser/ass face (much like Hurricane Paul).}

    I learned so much about life and about myself from this experience. I know people say that all experiences will help you grow, but I didn't see how that was possible at the time. I see 'old me,' though, and I realize how far I've come from there. Firstly, I'd just like to say: being single is awesome. I've learned that I can be comfortable in my own skin, doing my own thing, being independent. Next, I now know that I would rather be single for the rest of my life rather than being with someone who is horrible. No matter what, I will never be so desperate again as to choose a guy who makes me feel like dirt. Life is definitely too short to be with someone who doesn't appreciate me.

    And so as I go to sleep in my bed tonight--alone--I will smile...because I didn't get married.

    {Now, Annie posted this clip below on her post as well, but believe me, it doesn't do Mr. X justice. I'd much rather have hooked up with crazy Eddie, goldfish crackers and all...}