Week-In-Review 4.3

Still sick as a dog, but here we are. To add insult to injury, the CW kinda sorta really sucks at their job. Seriously, you guys have one thing to do and you just can't seem to do it. Pathetic.

TV Cross-Connection of the Week: Grandma Florrick on The Good Wife was Grams on Dawson’s Creek
Given that she's basically playing the exact same character, I really should have realized it sooner, but no.

Best Impression: Jon Stewart as Glenn Beck
Jon Stewart is my hero. Period.

Worst Way to Go: Cheese Cutter Garrote on The Borgias… or was it the half-assed poison?
Upon reflection, regarding the cheese wire decapitation of the guard, even Ceseare was like, “Yeah, let’s not do that anymore… Oh no, keep killing people, just not like that.” Although the poisoning didn’t exactly go according to plan, what with the writhing in agony for hours and ultimately having to be smothered with a pillow. (In case you missed it, this show isn’t exactly a huge fan of subtlety. Or people living very long.)

Biggest Whiners: The Chicago Code
In general, I would sympathize with those suffering from a heat wave, but as I gaze out my window at the snow falling, my only thought is: Heat wave? Yes, please.

Most Believable Copping: Theresa on The Chicago Code
So often with cop shows, when it comes to actual policing, the actors are either over the top or totally unconvincing. But when Theresa Colvin tells you to put the gun down, you put the gun down. Nice job, you maniac, you.

Cartooniest Progression: Barney on HIMYM… or was it Lily?
Sigh. This season of HIMYM has been a hell of a lot better than last, but the characters are quickly becoming caricatures. That ridiculous and irritating storyline with Barney and the meatball sub was just lame. This season, it seems that Barney is either a total cartoon or is brooding over emotional baggage. That’s a fine line to walk and it’s not really working. What’s worse, he’s not the only one. What the hell happened to Lily? I used to adore her, but now? I’m with TVWithoutPity on this one, “Lily was once a likable, semi-rational character on #HIMYM, wasn't she? It's been so long, it's hard to remember.” I think the show’s next set of flashbacks should be back to seasons 1 and 2 when I actually liked these people.

Most Disappointing Season Finale: Being Human US
A lackluster end to a meh season. The show kept having glimmers of potential, but very few were realized. Maybe if I hadn’t seen the UK version I’d have been more enamored of this one, but at every turn, I couldn’t help but to think of how the UK version handled a storyline in invariably better ways. The US version just feels like one missed opportunity after another. The pilot was quite promising, but it ultimately let me down.

Best Season Finale: Being Human UK
Okay, given that the US and UK versions of Being Human were the only finales this week, the bar was set pretty low, but even if it were stacked up against an entire slate of finales, the UK version would hold its own. Wow. US version, take a lesson.

Worst Parenting: Basically the entire cast of Parenthood
I keep trying to not hate this show, because it does have its good points, but overall, it’s just irritating as hell. If I had grown up with any of these people as my parents, I’d have made a run for it at age 6. Each member of the cast is more ridiculous than the last and the level of cheese they’re injecting into every episode would put those Cheez-It commercials to shame.

Biggest Heartbreaker: Alicia on The Good Wife
The ramifications of Kalinda’s affair with Peter have already been theorized on this blog, and even though I knew it was coming, it was still tough to watch. The writers of this show are so, so good. Just as Alicia puts the pieces together and realizes that her husband slept with her (now) best friend, the room full of Peter’s supporters break into For He’s a Jolly Good Fellow. Ouch. My friend Jahn tends to crucify Kalinda for not telling Alicia, but in all honestly, I don’t think anyone would, let alone Kalinda. For probably the first time in her life, she’s not in complete control of information and she doesn’t know what to do. I really think that deep down, Kalinda was sure that somehow, some way, she could keep this under wraps. Based on precedent, she must be pretty astounded that she couldn’t.

Second Biggest Heartbreaker/Couple I Never Knew I Wanted Together: Eli and Natalie on The Good Wife
How’s that for an odd couple? And yet, I find myself hoping that America Ferrera shows up again in the future. I’m as shocked as you are. On paper, the thought of them as a romantic pairing is kind of ridiculous, but in reality, it works amazingly well.

Best Kiss: Boyd and Ava on Justified
The thought of Boyd and Ava ever getting together was an impossibility during season 1, but with the current season, it makes perfect sense. The actors have wonderful chemistry together and I’m excited to see how things play out. I’m also glad to see that Ava will have more to do than hang around the house all day. Of course, know Ava, that probably just means she’ll get kidnapped. For the third time.

Most Addictive New Website: Cute Roulette
You know, in case there was ever a threat of me getting things done at work...

Meh-iest New Show: Happy Endings As per the AV Club, #HappyEndings: "Hard to hate. Also hard to love." It wasn’t really all that funny, but in terms of half-hour sitcoms, it was by no means the worst thing I’ve seen. I guess it could potentially turn into something more memorable, but at this point, it’s just another in a long line of Friends rip-offs that can’t quite get off the ground. Plus, it has Elisha Cuthbert in it, so that’s prohibitive right there. Pilot Grade: C+

Unjust-est Elimination: Sue on Top Chef Masters
Okay, I realize that there’s really no way that Sue was going to win the competition or anything, but to eliminate her because the show didn’t provide enough kitchen space or equipment for her to cook? That’s just ridiculous. She and Suvir totally got screwed on this one. I found myself growing more and more pissed off as the episode progressed. Dear Top Chef, it’s fine to throw crazy challenges at them, but for hell’s sake, at least give them a chance of succeeding. Ridiculous. Instead of expressing your condolences to participants for the crappy conditions, here’s a novel idea, FIX THE CONDITIONS!

Worst Local Affiliate: CW30
Holy hell, this has to stop! My local CW affiliate has a long and aggravating history of sucking at their jobs, but last night was the final straw. I’ve endured many years of shows having occasional weird audio, visual screw-ups, and whatnot, but cutting off the last half of The Vampire Diaries and the first half of Nikita with an episode of That 70s Show is way over the line. The audio was screwed up from minute one, so I should have known that someone was asleep at the wheel. Again. Maybe they’ve started hiring ex-air traffic controllers… Long story short, I didn’t really get to watch either show, which in my universe, is tantamount to death by firing squad. I went to bed at 10 o’clock. That’s just sad.

**Quotes of the Week**

“No surprise. Mental illness can be fascinating. RT @thewrap: #ExtremeCouponing Debut Pays Off Big for TLC.”
-- TVWithoutPity, via twitter. Those couponers are insane. I will happily pay full price for every item in the store if it means I don’t have to take three binders full of little scraps of paper to the store and then follow a detailed game plan during checkout. If they spent half the time working that they spend preparing to hit the Safeway, they’d have enough money to not worry about finding a great deal. These people are basically organized hoarders. Not that people don’t need 68 bottles of mustard at a time…

“Belated congrats to Robert Sean Leonard on his impending escape from #House. Never look back.”
-- TVWithoutPity via twitter. Word.

“Caroline was frantically trying to figure out the Matt situation. She hadn't seen or heard from him ever since she came clean about being a vampire the night before. So then there she was trying to place a very important phone call using a hands-free device in a PARKED CAR? Come on, weirdo! Also, quit it, Ford. Nobody wants to buy a Fiesta. Or maybe we should Bing it?”
--Price Peterson for tv.com, skewering the omnipresent and obnoxious product placements in The Vampire Diaries.

“Don’t confuse me with your reasonableness.”
--Castle

Kalinda: “What do you think?”
Will: "I think she's fantastic."
Kalinda: "I think she just won him the election."
Will: "Probably."
Kalinda: "You should tell her how fantastic she is."
Will: "She knows."
Kalinda: "You should tell her. People like to be told."
--The Good Wife. Methinks this is Kalinda’s way of softening the blow to Alicia about the affair. Hey, at least she’s got Will, right? Good luck with that...

“Pray for me.”
--Michael Ausiello, via twitter, preparing for THIS. Godspeed, good buddy.

“I am so glad Nikolaj Coster-Waldau has finally hired out his pretty face to a respectable TV show. The failed pilot parade was getting sad.”
--JenniferArrow, via twitter. Just one of the many reasons I’m excited for Game of Thrones.

“My name is Boyd Crowder. You can come after me if you like, but it’ll be the last thing you ever do.”
--Justified. I am beyond stoked for a return of Bad Boyd. You’ve been missed.

“Joss Whedon is no Michael Bay. Thank goodness for that. An Avengers film made with a ‘bigger is better’ mentality is the last thing we need.”
--Matthew Hurd at popmatters.com. Hear, hear!

“Remember how they claimed LOST needed an end date because there was a planned ending in mind? HAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHA. Man, that was rich.”
--JenniferArrow via twitter. I haven’t actually finished Lost yet, but I can already tell that this is where we’re headed. It’s half the reason I’m having such a hard time powering through. It’s already spinning its wheels and I still have over two seasons to get through.

“I remember when I was growing up, the rule was, ‘Don’t call anyone after 10 p.m.,’ ” Mr. Adler said. “Now the rule is, ‘Don’t call anyone. Ever.’ ”
--quote from a New York Times article by Pamela Paul.

“But heaven forbid you actually have to listen — especially to voice mail. The standard “let the audience know this person is a loser” scene in movies where the forlorn heroine returns from a night of cat-sitting to an answering machine that bleats “you have no messages” would cause confusion with contemporary viewers. Who doesn’t heave a huge sigh of relief to find there’s no voice mail? Is it worth punching in a protracted series of codes and passwords to listen to some three-hour-old voice say, “call me” when you could glance at caller ID and return the call — or better yet, e-mail back instead?”
--Pamela Paul, again. It’s a really good article (linked above). I hate the phone. Indeed, if there were a way that I could just play excerpts from that article as my voicemail message at work, I certainly would.

Week-In-Review 4.1

And the slimminess of the pickens keeps on keepin' on... A lot of shows which have been on hiatus return next week, so things are looking up, but holy hell, if that last month hasn't been a slog. I'm starting to forget what The Vampire Diaries and Nikita even look like.

Best Cult Name: The Church of Earth…Wind and Fire on Being Human (UK)
This show has more than its fair share of dark moments, but it balances it out with hilarity. “I was in the cult? I was in the cult, yes.”

English to English Dictionary Addition of the Week: “Pikey” on Being Human (UK)
A “pikey” is basically the British equivalent of trailer trash, as I recently found out. As per urbandictionary.com, it’s from the English "turnpike", the place where itinerant travelers and thieves would camp near a settlement. And, from the film Snatch, they apparently have their own unintelligible language that “isn't English, it isn't Irish, it's just Pikey.” Learn something new every day.

Question You Never Want to Have to Ask: “What’s the age of consent for the state of Illinois?” on Shameless
Sorry Frank, that ship has sailed. It’s half-way to Fiji by now. Or, even worse, en route to Eddie’s and Lip’s email inboxes.

Worst Way to Go: Eddie Jackson on Shameless
Well, shit. I can think of a lot of good ways to kill yourself, but strapping cinderblocks to your legs and hopping into a frozen lake? Not at the top of my list… Presumably the freezing water would kill you quicker, and maybe he’s hoping his body is never found for some reason, but still.

Best Closet Exit: Ian finally tells Fiona that he’s gay on Shameless
It’s pretty clear that Ian and Lip have the closest bond of any of the siblings, but I like to think that Fiona knew Ian was gay well before Lip did. “Fiona, I’m gay,” he apprehensively blurts out. “I know,” she simply replies. Fiona may not be his best friend in the house the way that Lip is, but she’s his sister, and his mother basically, and in terms of knowing that someone is gay, sisters and mothers are usually the first to know.

Most Welcomed Return: Nurse Jackie
Oh, how I’ve missed you. It was a little strange going into season 2. After the suicidal events of the season 1 finale, I expected season 2 to be very different, but it wasn’t. I mean, it took things down a different path in many ways, just not the ones I expected. With season 3, however, the game has definitely been changed. Both Kevin and O’Hara know the truth, and Jackie is reeling. Biggest change of all? Jacks passes on the opportunity to purloin a fallen Percocet. I can’t wait to see where things go from here. I still miss Mo-mo though. Always will.

Mini Let-Down of the Week: Castle
It was honestly one of their stronger A-plots, but as you know, A-plots do not a series make in my opinion. This episode just didn’t seem to have the snap, crackle, and pop of others. I didn’t even pull out any funny quotes for the end of this post. I don’t think that’s ever happened before… In the plus column though, the very end where Castle basically dupes Beckett into going on a date with him was adorable. Best part of the episode, hands down.

Most Shameless Product Placement: Castle
Okay, I don’t actually know what kind of phone or what apps Castle was using, but the promotion was pretty shameless and annoying. At first, when he used his phone to track Alexis’ position, I was willing to go with it as simply a plot point. The next several times, complete with close-up views of his phone, were not so forgivable. He uses a different phone every week, so this comes as little surprise really, but it’s never been so blatant before. I guess I should be grateful that the integrations were pretty well integrated. White Collar could take some pointers from this. If you simply must use integrated product placement, at least make it make a modicum of sense.

Most Depressing Ratings News: Body of Proof does better than The Good Wife
I realize it was a series premiere and that it will likely drop off next week, but still. The thought that anyone would choose yet another crime procedural over the best drama on network TV is just depressing as hell.

Biggest Storm a’ Brewin’ (Chicago Division): The Good Wife
Man alive, the noose just keeps getting tighter and tighter and it’s making me more and more nervous with each passing episode. The revelation that Peter slept with Kalinda has the potential to uproot just about every character on the show, if not destroy them entirely. Peter’s bid for State’s Attorney, Kalinda’s secret identity, Alicia’s entire existence… Things are about to get crazy. Well, crazier.

Biggest Storm a’ Brewin’ (Whoop-de-doo Division): Justified
First thing, ten-gallon hats off to Justified (and to FX) for its third season pick-up. Secondly, with the current season getting better and better week-to-week, I can only imagine how awesome that third season will be. Between the Bennets, the Givenseseses, Black Pike, Boyd, and Art’s suspicions of Raylan, we have one hell of a nailbiter on our hands (heh, get it? nailbiter, hands? sorry).

Best Performance: Margo Martindale on Justified
This show is always firing on all cylinders, and has a cast that can rise to the challenge, but the addition of Margo Martindale has upped everyone’s games considerably. Emmy voters, take notice. She didn’t just win over the town with her oration about “the spoil,” she solidified her place on my ballot.

Best Win: Richard Blais on Top Chef All Stars
Saints be praised, and hallelujah! He was my pick to win from day one, but I’ll be damned if the show didn’t make it look like Mike Isabella might take it home. I’m pretty sure Blais would have simply collapsed and died on the spot if he’d lost, so it’s for the best on a number of levels. Speaking of Blais, I came across an article in the Hollywood Reported titled “5 Things to Know About New Top Chef Winner Richard Blais”. It went on to say, “here are five things you might not know about him…” First on the list? He uses liquid nitrogen when he cooks. Um, I hate to break it to the people at the Hollywood Reporter, but anyone who would be reading this article would know that. Indeed, in a contest between knowing his first name or knowing that he uses liquid nitrogen, believe me, more people will know about the liquid nitrogen.

Sorest Loser: Mike from Top Chef All Stars
Okay, seriously, what happened to you as a child that you turned out like this? The eye-rolling, the excuses, the bravado… someone needs to just shoot the bastard. Look, Mike, I realize you must have been beat up as a child, a lot, but that’s no excuse. I’ve never seen someone so insecure in my life, and I just watched an entire season of Richard Blais having panic attacks.

Lamest and Most Obvious Plea to Viewers: Criminal Minds
Oh, Criminal Minds. Don’t fire two beloved actresses and then pretend that the audience is just being whiny when they cry foul. This latest episode opens begins with, well, a horrific death of course, but right after that, we see Penelope staring at a picture of Prentiss on the wall, which prompts Morgan to say, “Prentiss wouldn’t want us to sulk. […] She would also want us to embrace Seaver.” This thinly veiled plea to the audience to just get over it all ready was more annoying than convincing. JJ and Prentiss were two of the best aspects of the show, and to summarily fire them within weeks of each other was a serious blow. On top of that, Seaver could not possibly be any more boring, or more damningly, completely useless to the team. Honestly, she was vaguely helpful for that one episode where her life-experience actually aided the team, but since then? She’s a total waste of space and no scolding from the writers of the show is going to convince me otherwise. How do I know for sure that losing Prentiss and adding Seaver was a bad move? This last episode was one of the most boring episodes I’ve ever seen. The dynamic among the group is just plain dull these days. Here’s hoping they add someone who actually brings something to the table (you know, like a gun with which to shoot Seaver).

**Quotes of the Week**

“The #burnnotice ep we're working on is too hard. So instead of an ep, shirtless Michael just blows something up and we'll call it a day. Ok?”
--Burn Notice showrunner Matt Nix, via twitter. Dear Matt, that works for me.

“I don't need or want ur apology...I want your kidney dude. ‘On behalf of ur X and all the women uv insulted...give it back.’”
--Kirstie Alley, responding to George Lopez calling her a pig and referring to the fact that Lopez divorced his wife five years after she donated one her kidneys to him.

“No magic (unless you count how Romans in Hollywood always magically sound British).”
--Entertainment Weekly, taking a tally of the various aspects of new epic TV shows like Camelot, Game of Thrones, and The Borgias. The Borgias doesn’t have much in the way of magic, but a hell of a lot of English Spaniards and English Italians. I’ll never understand why the hell they do that, but it’s distracting. The French guy sounded French, after all…

“Lowest Common Denominator Continues To Plummet: The lowest common denominator (LCD), the leading cultural indicator for American mass-market tastes, continued its precipitous drop last week, fueling worries about the future of the U.S. marketplace for ideas and stoking fears of a long-term cultural recession.”
--The Onion, which, I have to assume, is talking about Body of Proof’s impressive ratings versus The Good Wife. The plummeting LCD is one of the primary reasons I’ve started importing more and more TV goods.

“I’ve got an axe I can drop on your head at any moment. Why would I give that up?”
--Nurse Jackie, letting Sam know exactly who she is and how she operates.

“You broke my heart, Jacks.”
--O’Hara on Nurse Jackie. Jackie has been breaking the audience’s heart for two seasons now, but seeing it hit the people around her hurts even more.

Ian: “If I get convicted, I can’t enlist.”
Lip: “What?”
Ian: “In the Marines.”
Lip: “Good. I was planning on kneecapping you in your sleep to keep you out of Kandahar anyway.”
--Shameless, regarding Lip and Ian’s recent arrest for grand theft auto. As is a surprise to no one, in spite of Lip’s determination to keep Ian out of Kandahar, he takes full blame for the crime so that Ian won’t be convicted.

“It’s like when a storm is over. Is it happiness? Or is it just relief?”
--Alicia on The Good Wife, being very Epicurean, and sadly delusional. Oh, Alicia. If you only knew. Wait, strike that, please don’t ever know.

“Didja know that Dana Delany's supposed to be brilliant on #BodyOfProof? Cause the show didn't hammer that point AT ALL.”
--Television Without Pity, via twitter, summing up the annoyance that was Body of Proof in 140 characters or less.

Week-In-Review 3.4

Okay, yeah, so March can't end any sooner. The dearth of new programming is starting to take a serious toll, people. April usually fares a bit better, and then, of course, May is sweeps. Lousy Smarch programming... Honestly, when there's only one new show to watch on a Thursday, you know you're in trouble.

Worst Costume Design/Most Frightening New Pilot: Wonder Woman
Wow, I hardly even know where to start with this particularly train wreck... Man alive, I was worried for this reboot before I saw the costume design courtesy of Entertainment Weekly. Now? "Yikes" just doesn't quite seem to do it justice... It looks to be even worse than I’d feared. I guess it’s good to know that Howie’s Halloween Bargain Bin is getting some much needed business though… Seriously, it could not look any cheaper and couldn’t make Adrianne Palicki look any worse. She’s actually a very pretty girl (check her out as Tyra Collette on Friday Night Lights for a shocking comparison), but with dark hair and the smashed breasts make her look terrible. Her face looks oddly mannish here, which, for a character by the name of Wonder Woman, probably isn’t the direction they were hoping for. I’m going to have to side with TWoP on this one. “Days later and we still think that Adrianne Palicki would have been better off in some Wonder Woman underroos.” I'm not sure how appointed David E. Kelley as the head of this disaster, but between him and this costume, I'm afriad. Very afriad.

Best Casting Choice: Ian’s Biological Father on Shameless
Um, wow. Nicely done, casting director person! Seriously, I’m guessing Cameron Monaghan’s actual father doesn’t look that much like him. Freaky.

Least Believable Knowledge Gap: Robin on HIMYM
I actually thought the concept of everyone having a “knowledge gap” was pretty entertaining, but after several years of establishing Robin as a Canadian who misses being up north, the thought of her not knowing that the North Pole is a real place is ridiculous, even for this show. And not knowing that reindeer are real? Absurd. There are a billion gaps they could have given her, but for some reason they settled on the most unbelievable of them all. Did the writers do this on purpose to make Robin look even dumber than we thought, or did they casually forget who the character is entirely? Who knows.

Best Pick-Up News: Southland
I wouldn’t say this is my favorite show by any stretch, but it’s a quality program with incredible performances week-to-week and deserves another season. Anything to stick it to NBC for canceling them in such a shady way in the first place is a win in my book.

Somehow, Most and Fewest Eliminations: The Biggest Loser
I have never really cared for this show, but various people in my office watch it, so I caved. I hate being on the outside of a conversation, so I figured I’d tune in for the fast-forwarded version. I did that for a few weeks, but then my scheduling got too full and I had to bail on it. Well, with March upon us and reruns in full swing, I finally got back to it. After this long, I assumed I’d see maybe 6, considerably thinner contestants left. Well, everyone was thinner, but there were still 11 people left. And if that weren’t enough, they brought back another one! And then they eliminated a guy who didn’t want to go home, and kept a girl who did. I realize they’re trying to make things more exciting here, but it’s mostly just lame. And at the rate they keep bringing people back, the season will end sometime around Christmas. Of next year.

Best Shipper Name: Esplainie on Castle
You know, because they’re always “esplaining” things. Solid gold.

Best Meta References: Castle
Speaking of shippers, hats off to Castle for addressing the crazy fans out there head-on, and in the most charming way possible. They somehow managed to take on obsessive shippers, bloggers who rail against the shows they love, and the fervor over their own will-they-or-won’t-they setup, all without pissing off anyone who actually falls into those categories. Well played.

Shittiest Luck: Basically the entire cast of Shameless
Boy, this just keep going from bad to worse for these people. This week’s episode set the dominoes in place, and in the finale few minutes, nudged that first one into the next. Sunday’s finale promises a wide array of crazy as the rest come tumbling down. Oh, Officer Tony. Way to go, champ. Surely sending Lip and Ian to jail is the way into Fiona’s pants, right?

Second Shittiest Luck: Winona and Raylan on Justified
Last week’s episode felt a little out of place and kind of like a filler episode, but when you combine it with this week’s denouement, it turns out that it was actually a thrilling two-parter that should have been aired on the same night. After last week, I was a little skeptical about how things played out. Why the hell would Winona have taken a single bill to the bank to see if it was real? Was she going to go back for the rest? That’s a terrible plan! Well, with this week’s episode, it all makes a lot more sense. She took the whole lot first thing, intending on spending it, then realized that perhaps the reason it was in lock-up for so long was that it was counterfeit. That’s why she went to the bank with the one bill, then changed her mind as she realized the ramifications of showing up at a bank with a fake bill. This in no way means her actions weren’t incredibly stupid, but at least there’s a rationale behind it. Man alive, the payoff in this week’s episode was well-worth the ambivalence over last week’s. In true Hitchcockian brilliance, the audience becomes a co-conspirator with Raylan and Winona as they try desperately to put that money back where it came from without getting caught. With the audience being the only ones privy to every moment, it became unbearably nerve-wracking as their every attempt failed, then was one-upped with even more danger. So great. And, while lesser shows would have put us through all that and then had them get away scot free, Justified gives us some resolution without the rose-colored glasses. Winona gets the money back into evidence, but not without Art Mullen becoming slightly suspicious of our good friend Raylan. I’m just so glad I can breathe again now that the money has been taken care of that I’m more than happy to live with a little unsubstantiated suspicion.

In Related News, Most Terrifying Performance by an Inanimate Object: Winona’s stupid, ugly, incriminating bag on Justified
I must have thought to myself, “Oh, for hell’s sake, Winona!” at least a hundred times because of that bag…

Most Deafening Silence/Longest Elevator Ride Ever: Justified
After enduring an entire episode of unbridled anxiety, the money is returned, Winona’s leather bag is empty, but that’s only just the beginning. Wow, I wouldn’t have wanted to have been in that elevator after all that. Really, after something like this, what do you say? What can you say?

Slumpiest Sophomore Year: Modern Family
This week’s episode was better than the last several, but that must mean that the bar has been lowered considerably from season 1. I’ve never been as over-the-moon about this show as most people (finding it to be more amusing than uproarious), but in season 1, I walked away from most episodes with a few hi-larious quotes and several memorable moments. This season? It’s more medium-larious than anything else and on a far less frequent basis. I guess I’m just not finding a whole lot to latch onto this year. Long story short, where Community has upped its game in season 2, Modern Family has declined. Community has always been a better comedy, but now, the gap is more noticeable than ever.

Biggest Dick: Mike on Top Chef All-Stars
Can I tell you how irked I am that he’s in the finale? Don’t get me wrong, I’d rather see Blais trounce him than Antonia, but that also means that we have to see yet another episode of Mike and his insufferableness. He’s suck a prick. Even when he’s trying to be complimentary, he’s a bastard. Way to undercut Chef Bernstein by specifying that she’s “one of the top women chefs,” rather than simply “one of the top chefs” in the country. Nice back-handed praise for one of the guest judges there, jackass. I swear to god, if he wins this, fans will revolt. Come on Blais, don’t you dare choke… you know, like you did the last time (why yes, yes I will continue to pour salt in that wound if I think it'll motivate him to suck less this time around!)

Strangest, Yet Ridiculously Common Pronunciation: Jaguar on Top Model
I don’t know where people get this idea, but I have heard more than a few people over the years pronounce “jaguar” as “jag-wire”. It’s not even kind of spelled like that and in spite of my best efforts to find a dictionary out there that has that as an alternate pronunciation, I fell short. There are only two pronunciations of “jaguar” that I’ve ever come across in a dictionary. “Jag-wahr” and the chiefly British “jag-yoo-ar”. I’ll happily take either. Not that I should be expecting much from top model contestants, but this weirdness extends beyond just them. So weird.

Best Mash-Up: Pulp Fiction and My Dinner with Andre on Community
I love this show. Best comedy on TV. I’ve never actually seen My Dinner with Andre, but now I might just have to. “I’ll never forget My Dinner with Andre dinner with Abed.” Classic. Only this show could managed to blend two such disparate movies into a TV show that's not only hilarious, but also has emotional depth. Impressive.

Best New Acronym: THL—Tight Heavy Lid
Courtesy of Community, of course. Should prove useful...

**Quotes of the Week**

“You shouldn't have to do fucking Glee…. The guy is so offended that we're not, like, begging to be on his fucking show. Fuck that guy for thinking anybody and everybody should want to do Glee. ... I watched 10 minutes. It's not my thing.”
--Dave Grohl of the Foo Fighters. I couldn’t agree more. I enjoy Glee well enough (although this season has been rough), but I find myself thinking a little less of certain musicians who allow their music to be used on the show. If I had my way, they’d do almost nothing but showtunes, which showcase the cast’s talents the best and which help tell a story a whole lot better. Sorry Ryan Murphy, but I’m with Dave on this one. Stop being such a baby and taking offense when you get turned down.

“Report: Majority Of Newspapers Now Purchased By Kidnappers To Prove Date”
--The Onion makes my day.

“We call this color: I was saying Royal Blue-urns.”
--Shirt Woot, making my day with a reference only true blue-urns Simpsons fans will appreciate.

Martha: “After my character married his character, Joseph Fox, she was kidnapped, buried alive, trapped in a cave with bears, uh, kidnapped again, and held hostage in the sewers of Paris.”
Beckett: “How long were you on the show?”
Martha: “Three weeks.”
--Castle, regarding Martha's stint on a daytime soap.

“George. I choose you.”
--Mitchell on Being Human (UK), who keeps breaking my heart. I’m afraid for the rest of this season, peeps. Very afraid.

Alicia: “It’s my daughter. She thinks I drink too much.”
Kalinda: “You know what your problem is?”
Alicia: “I don’t drink enough?”
Kalinda: “You didn’t get your tubes tied.”
--The Good Wife. Word. (Sorry, Jahn, I know you like Grace.)

Alicia: “You crossed the line.”
Eli: “…Which one?”
--The Good Wife. I don’t talk about him much, but Eli Gold is one of the best characters on TV. It makes the frequent absences of Chris Noth a little easier to endure. Alan Cumming, you’re my hero. Or, as my brother would say, “Nightcrawler really deserves his own show.” Agreed.

"There's nothing clear about the air around coal."
--Probably the most prophetic and subtly pointed lines ever spoken on Justified.

Raylan: “He has had my back on two occasions. Once was the last day I was in the mine, and the other, not so long ago.”
Carol: “My, that sounds like a love story.”
--Justified, pointing out what the audience already knows. This show may be about a lot of things, but the relationship between Boyd and Raylan takes the cake.

“He will be amazing & adored, then Fox will cancel him after 14 eps.”
--Nathan Fillion, via twitter, responding to tradertiki’s comment, “My wife and I just named our son Malcolm Reynolds....”

“And all the while there was Winona's tan leather bag, brimming with stacks of smirking Benjamin Franklins, mocking us at every turn. Just sitting there. Like a bag. But it was anything but a bag. It's always fantastic when an inanimate object becomes a central character in a show or film, and halfway through the episode I wanted to punch that bag in its non-existent face or roughly pull its zipper back and forth until it caught on something and got stuck. Take that, bag!”
--Tim Surette on TV.com, expressing my thoughts toward Winona’s bag far more eloquently than I could.

“Cool. Cool. Cool, cool, cool.”
--Abed on Community, noting the awesomeness of his friends’ Pulp Fiction costumes. Cool to the fifth, really. I loved how earlier in the episode Annie had said that they’d get at least five “cools” from Abed, and then they did.

Troy [near sobbing]: “They said market price! WHAT MARKET ARE YOU SHOPPING AT?!”
--Community. I always love the little… geez, what do you call those little scenes at the end of a show that come after the narrative has already been wrapped up? Well, whatever they’re called, Community does them better than anyone. They always leave you will a hilarious little nugget to hold onto.

Week-In-Review 3.3

For a random week in March without a ton of new shows, this post certainly did get ridiculously long. I'm going to have to seriously cut back come finale season. Sheesh, these are getting out of hand.

Mind-Blowing Realization of the Week: Emily Prentiss is Kathy from Friends?!
Holy shit, peeps, I still can’t believe it. I have seen every episode of Criminal Minds and every episode of Friends (about 12 times), but I never put the Paget Brewster connection together. I was watching an old episode of Friends (the one where Chandler thinks his actress girlfriend Kathy is cheating on him) and it hit me like a ton of bricks. That’s Prentiss!!! I can’t believe I never realized it before. In my defense, she looks completely different now, but still. I’m usually so good at this. They might just revoke my professional television status after a blunder like this… (And no, I have no idea who “they” is, but I hear they’re ruthless…)

Poorest Second Showing: Breakout Kings
I had hoped that the show would improve after a mediocre pilot, but instead, it got even worse. It very quickly went from “seriously flawed, but with potential” to “seriously unwatchable”. Episode two was simply awful. I will not be giving this sucker a third week. The writing it just plain terrible. This is the kind of concept that should have been very easy to make a decent show out of, but they failed hook, line, and sinker. They seem to be having a ridiculously difficult time finding anything for these convicts to do. Seriously, Jimmi Simpson’s eccentric genius is the only one who even kind of helps, and even then, that’s barely even some of the time. At other times, he’s making brilliant deductions about the new token hot chick. “If you were really a breaking and entering expert, you would have helped open that locked trunk.” You mean the trunk that had been burned up in the fire, so that other guy easily broke the lock off with one good hit of an axe handle? That trunk? Exactly how many people do you think it takes to hit a lock? Do you really think it would have been a better use of everyone’s time for her to have picked a $2 pad lock rather than just breaking the damn thing? Stupid. Incredibly stupid. There are a million ways the writers could have subtly constructed a scene that would have exposed New Token Hot Chick as a liar, but that had to be the absolute lamest way. When you’re working within a genre that is this unbelievably popular, you have to do it well. Incredibly well. With each passing scene, I grew more and more annoyed that some other TV crime fighting team wasn’t on the case. The Criminal Minds crew would have solved this ages ago, and in a much more believable way. The writing on this show is just lazy, ridiculous, and boring. It’s also…

The Show Most Clearly Written By Men, More Men, and Only Men: Breakout Kings
It’s generally a safe bet that the entire creative team of a show is comprised of men when the male characters on the show are allowed to be completely unappealing, but the women are all insanely hot, even if that doesn’t make the slightest bit of sense. The Original Token Hot Chick at least had a reason to be that hot (she was a grafter and a former beauty queen (you know, because that’s not the kind of backstory a bunch of men would come up with at all)), but the New Token Hot Chick? Ha! Her name is Erica, apparently (of course her name is Erica), and she’s billed as this badass tough chick who learned the ways of bounty hunting from her father (because the only way women can become good at anything but cooking and laundry is if they learn it from their father or brothers, you know) and then avenged his death by killing 5 guys (allegedly)… all while sporting flawless make-up and pink, shiny lip gloss. Seriously, it was ridiculous. Straight out of prison and she looks like she just fell out of a Gucci ad. I might have been more forgiving if her clothes had been impeccable as well (maybe high-end is just how she rolls), but no, her clothes were shabby and sloppy, which made the beauty make-up stand out even more (and for all the wrong reasons). Oh sure, the men on the show are allowed to look the part, but the women sure aren’t. Even their tech analyst (their Penelope Garcia, if you will) is gorgeous. Not as heavily made-up, but still far too attractive for the role. I’m not saying these characters should be hideous, but if you insist on super models, at least try to make them look the part.

Worst Set Design: America’s Next Great Restaurant
Ha! Okay, I know no one really watches this show (and I can see why, it has some serious conceptual problems), but I simply must comment on the set. Okay, literally, for the elimination at the end of the episode, the camera physically couldn’t fit all the competitors into the shot, and of the half it could fit, two of them were obscured by a giant pillar. Boy, it’s too bad there aren’t any other elimination competition shows out there that they could use as a model…

Saddest Cancellation News: The Dish
Seriously? The programming slate for the Style Network is basically a giant steaming pile of total shit, with one lone exception: The Dish. So of course that’s the show that gets cancelled. Oy.

Best Pick-Up News: Community
Yay! Yes, that's right, folks, Community will be back this fall for a third season in spite of lackluster ratings. It really is the best comedy on air, so I'm thrilled beyond thrilled that it'll be back again. Now I just have to worry about Nikita and The Chicago Code... Once those two are out of the woods, I can relax.

Most Improbable Paternity: Shameless
It keeps dawning on me in little ways, but this show has really hit its stride. I’m so glad I stuck with it past the first few rocky episodes. They seem to have nailed down just who these characters really are and what the show is really about. Most recently, it was about paternity. In spite of obvious visual signs to the contrary, ostensibly interracial baby Liam actually is the spawn of Frank Gallagher, but red-haired Irish lad Ian isn’t. Ha! Okay, so apparently one of his uncles is actually his father, so it’s all in the family, but it was still a pretty awesome reveal. So let’s see, that means that Ian and Lip are both half brothers and first cousins… First brothers? Two-thirds brothers? Premium cousins? I never was good as these familial relationships…

Best Brothers (or Whatever They Are): Lip and Ian on Shameless
Speaking of Ian and Lip, I absolutely adore their relationship on the show. I was initially a bit turned off by Lip, but more and more, he’s stealing the show. He and Ian have a dynamic between them that’s equal parts brothers, confidantes, protectors, and friends. Even though they have a very friendly vibe most of the time, it’s always satisfying to see Lip play the role of older brother. He does it in really subtle ways, but with really powerful results. Even in the face of the catastrophe that is their family and the fact that they all had to grow up way too fast, the basic foundations remain. At the end of the day, each member of the family has to pull his/her weight to keep the family afloat, but Ian is still his little brother, and he would do anything for him. Even take a beating.

Sneakiest Teamwork: Teresa and Jarek on The Chicago Code
I suspected they were in cahoots all along, but I’ll be damned if they didn’t sell the lie (even if it did come at Caleb’s expense). Nicely played.

Character That Most Definitely Needs to be Recast: Sally on Being Human (US)
Good god, she’s grating. The ghost character on the British series is charming and warm and quirky. The ghost on the US version is nothing but whiny, nagging, and bitchy. While the writing bears a fair bit of the blame, I think it’s Meaghan Rath’s portrayal that is the real problem. It makes total sense on the British version why the vampire and werewolf would adore their ghostly roommate and be protective of her, but on the US edition, I kinda just want to kill her again. Heretofore, I’d have labeled her as the "Character Most in Need of Becoming Corporeal", but at this point, not only do I hope she remains completely ineffectual, I keep hoping her door will show up. Man alive, doors showing up on the UK version are simply terrifying. Here? Bring on the biggest effing door you can find! (The “effing door,” most commonly used in stately manor homes, was first manufactured in Britain in the late 17th century and is named after the county of East Effing…)

Best Direction: Kurt and Blaine Kiss on Glee
We’ve all known this was coming for a long time, but hats off to the promotional department for not spoiling it for us. I thought it was done in a really lovely way. Unlike every other aspect of the show, it wasn’t some big, flashy, loud production. They allowed for Kurt and Blaine to have a truly touching, subdued, very quiet moment together. The camera didn’t cut away, the music didn’t swell into a tidal wave, and there were no spectators or back-up dancers. It made the kiss feel a lot more authentic and emotional than other elements of the show. By being the least theatrical moment, it actually made it all the more powerful. It was also very nice to see that Kurt and Blaine have a hell of a lot of actual chemistry together. So often a will-they-or-won’t-they couple has a boatload of theoretical chemistry, but then it fizzles. Not with Kurt and Blaine. I believed every second and I’m excited to see where they’re relationship goes from here.

Most Compatible Characters with the Least Compatible Voices: Sadly, Kurt and Blaine
As much as I enjoyed seeing Kurt and Blaine together onstage, I have to admit that their voices didn’t really complement each other very well. Each of them is amazing on them is amazing on his own, and they both seem to have a ridiculous amount of vocal chemistry with Rachel, but together? I was underwhelmed. The emotional register was a whole lot smoother than the vocal register, and that’s truly a shame because I have a feeling these two will be singing together a whole lot more. Maybe it was just this particular song that didn’t suit them… They’ve sung together in the past and it sounded good, so here’s hoping for better in the future.

Most Unnecessarily Dramatic Music: The Biggest Loser
Okay, seriously, simmer down, Show. I’m pretty sure the contestants won’t be shoved off a cliff or fed to alligators if they don’t lose any weight this week. Jesus, based on the music you’d think it were the END OF THE WORLD. Get a grip.

Least Subtlety: Kathy Griffin as Sarah Palin on Glee
You just couldn’t help yourself, could you Ryan Murphy? Funny, sure, but it seemed a little too easy. To boot, they didn’t seem to take full advantage of the situation. It was amusing, but it should have been hilarious.

Most Irritating “Musical” Internet Meme: Friday by Rebecca Black
Good god, if only this song were as “fun, fun, fun, fun” as she seems to think her life is. I couldn’t bring myself to embed that piece of shit, but I’m guessing you’ve already seen it anyways.

Best Musical Internet Meme: Ching Chong by Jimmy Wong
In response to Alexandra Wallace’s unbearably moronic, ridiculously racist rant, Jimmy Wong responded with a delightfully catchy, hilarious musical rebuttal. Awesome. He most certainly does warrant embedding.



Dumbest Deed: Winona on Justified
Oh, for hell’s sake, Winona. Look, I’ve always liked you, but seriously? You took a $100 bill out of evidence to “see if it was real”? Were you planning on taking the rest if it was? Oh, lordy. In what universe was that a good idea? Not this one, apparently. Next week looks to be a nightmare. It’s to the show’s credit that I’m all anxious about the episodes to come. I’m so invested in these characters that it makes me all squicky inside at the thought of them getting in trouble. Seriously Winona, you couldn’t have shoved that bill down your shirt or eaten it or something?! That’s what I would have done.

Most Hilarious Chase: The Geriatric Great Escape on Justified
Oh my god, I was laughing so hard when that old, enfeebled bank robber started hobbling toward the plane and soon-to-be-a-senior-citizen Art Mullen came after him. Ha! Oh man, dragging the oxygen tank behind him and everything. So great. I love this show.

Best Finale: Face Off
Despite the fact that they picked the wrong winner, this show turned out to be a hell of a lot of fun, reviving the tired routine with a truly original concept. I would have thought that a movie make-up competition in the vein of Project Runway would have been unbearably lame, but it was actually fascinating. The contestants were extremely talented (well, most of them), and the challenges were original and visually appealing. Unlike on Top Chef, where I just have to take the judges word for it, or on Project Runway, where the judges are smoking crack, I was able to form an opinion of who did well and who didn’t and the judges were almost always on the same page. That’s the virtue of a visual medium that isn’t a slave to trends. It’s either well done or it isn’t. That said, I can see where they chose Connor for their big winner, but I would have liked to have seen Gage win. The final challenge required the contestants to revamp a fairy tale with an adjective in mind (Industrial Hansel and Gretel, Psychedelic The Little Mermaid, Post-Apocalyptic Red Riding Hood, Haunted Frog Prince). Sure Connor’s technical precision was impressive and superior (the inflatable throat bubble was particularly good), but I still don’t get how his Frog Prince was “haunted” exactly… Gage’s finale tableau was far more imaginative and interesting, taking Hansel and Gretel and turning it into an urban nightmare where the witch wins. His was far and away the most captivating piece, even if Connor’s was more technically proficient. Anyway, this show has been renewed for next season, so keep an eye out for it. Trust me.

Most Conflicted Send-Off: Prentiss on Criminal Minds
This one is a tough call for me. I’ve really enjoyed the Prentiss-was-actually-a-spy-and-now-her-old-enemies-are-trying-to-kill-her storyline. It took a character I liked well enough and turned her into one of the best characters on the show. I’m truly sad to see her go, especially after the show fired JJ earlier this season. I don’t know what the hell the writers are thinking because near as I can tell, they seem to be eliminating all the strong female characters. Maybe they just hate women? No, maybe they just hate interesting women. Blonde for blonde, JJ was, is, and will always be a hell of a lot more engaging than her replacement on the show. I think it wouldn’t sting so much to lose JJ and Prentiss if Seaver were better, but fact is, she ain’t. So boring. So bland. Anyway, Prentiss’ final episode was exciting and epic and befitting her character. That said, the big fakey death scene was over the top and the whole “she’s not actually dead” aspect has been done. A lot. (“So, Cordelia’s going to okay, huh?”) I was less annoyed by it here than on other shows though because it actually made sense for the character. Prentiss was a super-secret international agent. It actually makes sense that she would fake her death (hey, she’s done it before) and make a run for it. It was also nice to see JJ assume a fundamental role in Prentiss’ new identity. JJ didn’t get nearly enough screen time in this episode, but the closing scene between her and Prentiss was a nice touch. I liked that they didn’t show us Prentiss’ face as she walked away. She’s a different person now and only JJ knows the full truth. (It appeared that Hotch was let in on the whole “she ain’t dead” aspect though… not sure how I feel about that.) Anyway, even though part of me would have liked to have seen the show take the creative plunge and killed her off, I’m intrigued to see if she ever comes back. I find that I’m invested in her character now more than ever and would love to see who the new Prentiss is. Paget Brewster has the option of returning to the show next season, and assuming the pilot she’s attached to fails (and it probably will), I’m hoping she takes them up on the offer.

Character Most in Need of Better Hair: Dr. Reid on Criminal Minds
I adore my good friend Dr. Reid, but I’m hating the short hair. Hell, he and his long hair were the primary reasons I started watching this show in the first place, thinking to myself, “Well, he’s easy to look at…” But now? Yikes. Seriously, he’s about 70% less attractive with the short cut. Seriously show, you get rid of JJ, Prentiss, and Reid’s hair? All in one season? That's just mean.

Greatest Misnomer: Top Chef All-Stars
I beg to differ. This season was supposed to be the best of the best, but I’m unimpressed. I don’t think anyone expected the finals to look like this and I don’t think the judges have been all that thrilled with a high percentage of dishes. Challenge for challenge, contestant for contestant, dish for dish, this ain’t the “All-Stars”. Season 6 was the All-Star season with the Volts, Kevin, and Jen knocking it out of the park. I’m still bummed that Jen didn’t have a better showing this season and I still think she should have been in the finals of season 6. Anyway, all I can say is, I was glued to the screen for season 6, but now? I’m pretty bored and unimpressed. Hell, last night I watched Face Off in full, riveted at every turn, but I quickly skipped to the end of Top Chef just to see who was sent packing. Worst of all? I didn’t even really care who it was. Oh, Tiffany went home? Huh.

Best Guest Star: Enver Gjokai on Community
Victor! So nice to see you back in action. Man alive, I love Community but it makes me pine for far too many shows gone by… Dollhouse, you are missed. Sigh…

**Quotes of the Week**

“I just realized we're only on season TWO of Glee. Man, this is going to be a long slog.”
--via twitter, courtesy of JenniferArrow. I hear ya, sister.

“Now Lisa Guerrero has set her sights on fraudulent psychics. Or as they’re more commonly known, psychics.”
--courtesy of The Dish. You were never quite The Soup, but still a lot of fun. You’ll be missed.

“Next time you’re thinking about dropping in, DON’T. You’ve fucked up our lives enough already.”
--Lip, on Shameless. His character has gotten so great. As his mom was pleading with him to give her another chance, he started tearing up and I thought he was going to cave, but then he pushed her away and made it very clear that there are some things you simply can’t atone for that easily. Wow.

Mayor’s Lackey: “Now, don’t go making threats against the mayor. He’s the one who put you in this job. You don’t bit the hand—“
Teresa: “—that is slapping me in the face.”
--Teresa Colvin on The Chicago Code, making it very clear that she will be no one’s puppet.

“Why did that soothsayer tell Caesar to ‘Beware the Ides of March’ when he could've more helpfully said, ‘Beware the knives of stabbers’?”
--Conan O’Brien, via twitter.

“Kurt, there is a moment when you say to yourself, ‘Oh, there you are. I’ve been looking for you forever.’ Watching you do Blackbird this week… That was the moment for me. About you. You move me, Kurt.”
--Blaine, finally opening his eyes and seeing what was right in front of him on Glee. Darren Criss really did a lovely job with that scene. Very sincere, but not saccharine. This scene could have easily turned into a sappy, cringe-worthy ode, but it was very restrained, honest, and subtle.

“I don’t even remember putting that in there.”
--Brittany, on Glee, regarding the mountain of dirt that spilled out of her locker upon opening it. Oh, sweetie. Just precious. I love Brittany.

“Marrying into Coldplay has long been an acceptable way to break into music #OnionMusicTips”
--TheOnion, via twitter. Well, it certainly wasn’t her voice.

“Much as I might like to personally throw Mr. Crowder’s ass in a holding cell, I think a threat against a federal officer would be a little more specific. Something more along the lines of, ‘If you disrespect Miss Crowder again, I’ll beat the ever-loving shit out of you.’”
--Art Mullen, becoming more and more badass with each passing episode of Justified. Coming to Boyd’s defense was awesome enough, but to bring Boyd’s seething anger to the forefront while taking the feds to task was even better.

“Well, when someone is threatening a woman that you care deeply for, there is no end to the lengths that you will go to keep that woman safe. Now, I seem to recall you being in that situation a time or two yourself. In fact, I seem to recall you being in the same situation… with the same woman. Ain’t that something.”
--Boyd Crowder on Justified. He is far and away the best character on the show. He’s just so calm when he’s taking people to task. He uses a soft, sedated tone that is disarming and terrifying at the same time.

Raylan: “Do you know where I’m from, Asshole?”
Bank Robber: “No.”
Raylan: “Harlan County.”
Bank Robber: “So?” [Raylan punches him]
Raylan: “Down there we know the difference between dynamite and road flares.”
--Justified. I love how this show takes full advantage of its characters and uses their backgrounds to the fullest. Of course Raylan knows exactly what dynamite looks like. Anyone from mining country would.

Week-In-Review 3.2

Well, kiddies, March is upon us. That's means we're in for a major slump in new programming. February is a sweeps month (hence all the explosions and whatnot), and shows end their seasons in May (yet another sweeps month), so March is the wayward middle child who gets no attention. Quite frankly, it it weren't for cable, I'd be in sorry shape right now. Anyway, there may be some slim pickins in the weeks to come, but here's what struck me this week.

Saddest Kiss: Being Human (UK)
This show has the most amazing ability to balance the utterly hilarious and the completely heart-breaking. It never does anything in the straight-forward way that you’d except and always keeps you on your toes. Having alluding to an Annie/Mitchell hook-up in previous episodes, viewers knew something was coming, but I don’t think any of us expected the long-awaited kiss to come in such a devastating way. Poor Mitchell. Guy just can’t catch a break. Honestly, you slaughter a few people on a train and everything just falls apart.

Mediocre-est New Show: Breakout Kings
I neither liked nor disliked this show enough to write a full post about it. Plus, with it airing on A&E, I’m probably the only one who saw it anyways. It’s essentially the Mod Squad, but with the US Marshals holding the reins and the convicts only allowed out of prison for each case. It’s a concept that’s been done a million times because it’s usually pretty successful. With Breakout Kings, I think we have an unfortunate case of “Lots of potential, failed execution.” It wasn’t a total disaster, but if I had to sum the pilot up in two words or less, I’d go with “seriously flawed.” Those were actually the first words out of my mouth as the pilot drew to a close. The real problem with the show is that the writers seemed to be having a hell of a time coming up with things for the convicts to do. It really shouldn’t be that hard to find awesome uses for their criminal talents, but the pilot basically had one guy pick a lock, the token hot chick hit on a guy to steal his cell phone (I got the disconcerting feeling that the writers seriously didn’t know what to do with her character) and get free breakfast, and the ever-present socially-awkward genius on these shows (he’s basically Dr. Reid) determined that a girl was telling the truth. Um, yay? For a concept like this, I was surprisingly bored. The Dr. Reid of the show is the real star and was the only character that I actually invested in. He’s played by Jimmi Simpson (who played Mary in the Mr. Yang episodes of Psych) and he’s the only actor who really brought anything special to the table. I don’t think he’ll be able to make up for the rest of the cast, but he made it worth it for me to give the show one more week. Theoretically, this show should be exciting and awesome, so maybe there’s still a chance. After only the pilot, however, I’m very tempted to just stick with White Collar for all my cop/criminal alliance needs. I’d give the Breakout Kings pilot a C-.

Most Heavy-Handed, yet Ambiguous Metaphor: Soda Destruction on Shameless
So… as a card-carrying English major, I’ve been trained to look beneath the surface, but not always with successful or pleasant results. At first glance, a vigorous sex scene between Karen and Lip intercut with a scene of Carl tossing a 2-liter bottle of soda off a ledge and exploding on impact (“Shatter-proof, my ass…”) seemed mildly incongruous. After about a second and a half of thinking however, I can’t decide if the exploding soda was a metaphor for sexual climax or it goes beyond that and points to a condom breaking (in which case, an unfortunate pregnancy storyline will likely be forthcoming). I’m hoping for the former, but I have a sinking feeling it’s the latter.

Most Devastating Reunion: Mama Gallagher on Shameless
This show was little hit or miss at the beginning, but in recent episodes it seems to have really hit its stride. Sunday’s outing was excellent in general, but really became a force to be reckoned with in its final scenes. I’d been wondering whatever happened to their mother (Monica) since day one, and now we know. Turns out, Frank was the better parental option. Ouch. To have their mother desert them in the first place must have been devastating, but to have her return intent on taking the younger children? That’s just unbearably cruel. Especially for Fiona, who was forced to step in and be the mother for the past two years. Man alive, seeing Carl and Debbie hug Monica after she asks to be their mother again was like a punch in the face. It’s understandable that 9 and 10 year old kids would be able to look past the desertion in the interest of getting mommy back, but that doesn’t take away the sting. This show does a wonderful job of exploring how different a family dynamic is for younger and older children and it always shows on the faces of the older kids just how screwed up things really are.

Best Reason to Reunite with an Ex: House
I broke up with this show at the beginning of this season, but, upon hearing about Monday’s episode, decided to tune in. A singing, dancing, piano-playing House? Um, yes please. Aside from the boring-as-ever random patient of the week, it was a wonderful episode that managed to take an unbelievably tired routine and make it something special. Asking Mia Micheals to choreograph was the first step in the right direction. The other genre nods were entertaining and all, but the warped Busby Berkeley number was tremendous.

Soundest Termination: Charlie Sheen
Um, WINNING. (That would be society.)

Most Ridiculous Deluge of New Pilots: Click HERE for a list of all the newest pilots and the array of talent attached to them. Please bear in mind that a pilot being filmed does not mean that a show will necessarily show up on your TV anytime soon (or ever, in a lot of cases). From what I’ve read, there may be a few winners this coming fall, but by and large, it’s more of the same shit.

Most Disconcerting Tease: True Blood promo for season 4
Well, Eric has apparently lost his memory… which, at a thousand years old, is quite a lot to lose. I’m not sure how I feel about this. Eric is the primary reason I watch the show, so if Eric isn’t Eric, does it make a sound? You know what I mean.

Best Attempt at a Return to Form: Glee
So, after over a month of nothing but lackluster, disappointing episodes courtesy of Ian Brennan and Ryan Murphy, we finally got a Brad Falchuk episode to ease the pain. It wasn’t one of his best episodes, but even his worst attempts are generally better than his fellow writers. What’s this? Emotional resonance and character development?! Huzah! I could live without the PSAs though, I have to say. Dear Glee, Let the action speak louder than words. If the narrative is strong enough, you don’t need to have your characters say exactly how you feel about an issue. Sheesh. I keep expect that “The more you know” star to shoot across the screen.

Gag that Would Have Been a Whole Lot Awesomer if Arrested Development Hadn’t Done it First (and Better): Glee’s rendition of Afternoon Delight
It was still pretty funny, but it mostly just made me pine for the good old days. Indeed, the discussion of Arrested Development’s version with the fam made me miss half the Glee edition.

Best Game Changer: The White Collar season finale… with Neal’s storage unit of fun.

Best Performance: Michael Cudlitz for the season finale of Southland
To be fair, it was hard to pick just one actor who stood out (the cast on that show is amazing), but I think Cudlitz takes the cake (or the vicodin, as it were). “I’m a cop,” he notes upon checking into rehab for substance abuse… Understated, yet heartbreaking, as always. Well done.

Most Obviously Political Decision: Carla is sent packing on Top Chef, not Antonia
Based on their dishes and the judges initial perceptions of those dishes, Antonia should have gone home. Her dish was poorly conceived and poorly executed. Carla’s dish at least had a promising idea behind it. But, Antonia has been a shining star lately, and is a favorite to win, so the judges and producers of the show gave her a pass. Don’t get me wrong, of the four finalists (who happen to be some of the least-likely All Stars to make it this far), she’s really the only one who can really challenge Richard Blais. He’s really the only finalist that I really thought would be a finalist. I’ve been pulling for his since day one, but he’s been revealed to be kind of a dick in these past few episodes, so now I don’t really care who wins. So long as it’s anyone but Mike Isabella, I’m happy.

Toughest Love: Mags Bennett on Justified
Wow… This show has a slower, more deliberate pace than most which lulls you into a comfort zone just in time for moments of absolute horror. The smooth Kentucky feel actually makes the terror more effective because you just never know when a quiet conversation over Apple Pie Moonshine might turn into a murder. Most recently, Mags’ brand of justice reared its ugly head on Coover’s hand… with a hammer. Yi-hikes.

Most Refreshing Dismissal of Protocol in the Face of a Disastrous Showing: Face Off
This show usually allows the challenge winner to recommend someone to go home to the judges, but after Megan’s spectacular failure in the disguise challenge (she basically just gave herself a spray-tan and a wig—my god! It’s like she’s disappeared!), the judges thankfully dismissed with the formality and just sent her packing immediately. Look, Megan, I realize your facial prosthetics weren't working (what with your total lack of skill and all), but it would have been more admirable to have presented sub-par prosthetics than to have given up completely. Ridiculous. And the judges knew it. No need for a recommendation, no need for discussion or deliberation, she was the clear loser and everyone knew it. Way to not waste my time, show. Much appreciated. Had you sent her home three weeks ago like she deserved, I’d have been even more impressed, but this works too.

Best Reason to Rewatch Season 2 of True Blood: The only new show that evening is Bones
Yep, I had a brand new episode just sitting there on the DVR, yet I opted to rewatch True Blood instead. The only reason I recorded it in the first place was because of the total lack of anything else, but even that wasn’t enough incentive.

Clearest Indiacation that Someone at Jeopardy is a Batman Fan: The two competitors challenging returning champion Mike were named Harley and Quinn
You have no idea how much this made my day. There's no way that was a coincidence. Those just aren't common enough names. They were even standing in the right order with Harley in the middle and Quinn on the far right. Harley Quinn! Ha! I love it!

**Quotes of the Week**

Library Aide: “I’ve got a signed first edition of Harry Potter.”
Debbie: “Overrated. Made a better movie than a book. And now with all those kid actors grown up, they’re scarier-looking than the villains.”
--Debbie, on Shameless. I assume she was mainly talking about Ron… (Boy, I’m not generally fond of kids on shows, but little 10-year-old Debbie is fantastic.)

“I thought we were supposed to be the scary ones!”
--George, Being Human (UK). No, George, I’m afraid you’re just adorable. Well, most of the time…

“It wasn't always known as White Collar. The series was pitched as Commuted, with the tagline: ‘He ended his sentence with a proposition.’”
--Oh dear lord, that’s fabulous! I don’t love the title Commuted in and of itself, but that tagline cracks me up. The English major within is very, very happy.

Neal: “I haven’t lied to you, Peter. I’m not lying to you now. I didn’t steal the art.”
Peter: “I think you did.”
Neal: “Then prove it. Prove it.”
--Oooh, next season of White Collar is going to be insane, people. Ahhhh!

“Love these ‘Thousands Of Fish Die’ stories. They raise a lot more excitement than our ‘Thousands Of Sudanese Die’ stories.”
--via twitter, courtesy of BrookeAlvarez from The Onion News Network. Gotta love The Onion.

“You’re like the hillbilly whisperer, Raylan.”
--Art noting Raylan’s way with hicks on Justified.

Week-In-Review 3.1

Sorry this sucker is a little late in coming. I was dying on Friday and just didn't make it. I still feel pretty crappy today, but there doesn't seem to be any way around that...

Most Sobering Look at the Other Half: Fiona isn’t familiar with Word on Shameless
I couldn’t decide it if was incredibly sad or if I was incredibly jealous… Fiona is 21, so it was peculiar enough that she needed to take a class on how to use PowerPoint (“I don’t know what PowerPoint is, but I’m sure you’ll be great at it.”), but it was genuinely heartbreaking to see her so completely out of her depth with even the basics. As the instructor is asking those lame introductory questions, requesting a raise of hands regarding, “Who’s familiar with Microsoft? Microsoft Word? And Excel?” all the hands automatically go up… except for Fiona’s. On the one hand, the thought of never having used these programs felt like some fantabulous and unfathomable fantasy world that I could never be a part of, but on the other, it was pretty scary to think of how utterly crippling it would be to not know how to use a computer. To be so out of your depth is always discouraging, but to know that your only other option is working at a Hooter’s-esque sports bar? That’s unbelievably sad. It’s so completely foreign to me that anyone in this day and age would be unfamiliar with basic computing skills, but for these brutally poor kids who grew up on the wrong side of the tracks? I’m afraid it’s probably all too common a phenomenon.

Best Eyebrow Raiser: Steve isn’t really Steve on Shameless
I’ve always like Steve quite a lot, but now I kinda love him. From the beginning, it was pretty clear that there was more to Steve than meets the eye. As it awesomely turns out, that something more is a different identity entirely. One of the uppercrusty secret life players was apparently a brother, so I can’t imagine this is a long con, and have to assume that he really is a rich kid named Jimmy deep down. The Candace angle is a bit murkier, however… I’m not sure where she factors in or if she really is part of a long con… or who she really is, for that matter. For the first time since the show started, I kinda can’t wait to see what happens next week.

Clearest Indication That We’re Losing the War on Terror: Castle
Apparently a gigantic dirty bomb threatening the citizens of the largest city in the country only worries the national government to the point of sending one guy to save the day. Geez, it’s a good thing the NYPD has a goofy mystery writer on staff or we’d all be dead.

Most Interesting Racial Tidbit: Adrian Pasdar is half-Iranian
Given that his character on Castle was an FBI bigwig who happily engaged in racial profiling in his search for potential Middle Eastern terrorists, I thought the fact that he has Iranian heritage was kind of interesting. I’m not sure how or why I already knew that, but it made the casting choice all the more intriguing—especially given that it turned out that the bombers in the episode were homegrown ex-military men without a shred of Middle Eastern descent.

Least Believable Love Interest: Nora on HIMYM
Look, show, I realize you’re trying to give Barney some layers here, and I appreciate that, but for someone like Barney to really fall for a woman, she really need to have more going for her than Nora does. Barney has been with untold numbers of beautiful women, so to get audiences to believe that he’s really fallen in love, maybe you should have given his love interest more than just beauty. She’s bland as hell and I ain’t buyin’ it. Barney falling for Robin, while ultimately unfortunate, at least made sense. This just seems lazy.

Most Ridiculous Prudery: Face Off
For those of you unaware, this is a movie make-up competition show on Syfy that’s surprisingly entertaining… and fairly prudish, as it were. In a recent challenge, they had to swap the genders of engaged couples. Well, in making one of the fellas into a woman, one of the team created a silicone chest piece in order to give the man breasts. Apparently the detached, unpainted, vaguely breast-like structures pulled out of the mold were just too risqué for basic cable, because they literally blurred the area where nipples would eventually go. Seriously!? Seriously. I’m starting to think that someone is doing that as a joke. Surely it’s a joke, right???

Character Most in Need of a Sandwich: Sarah on White Collar
Holy hell, I’ve never been a fan of Hilarie Burton in general (acting, the total lack of chemistry with Neal, etc), but I’m realizing just how difficult she is to look at in certain outfits. I’m all for being thin, but her shoulders are disgusting. You can see every joint and bone and sinew. Sure, everyone enjoys having a better understanding of a ball-and-socket joint, but this is going too far. Ew.

Least Believable Love Scene: Speaking of Sarah on White Collar
Ugh. When I saw that Alex was going to be in this last episode (I saw the actress’ name in the opening credits), I was hopeful that the writers wouldn’t actually take the Neal/Sarah whateverness in the direction I had feared. It was only a little hope (I’m realistic here), but it was something. Now, what with Neal’s and Sarah’s awkward and unconvincing romp in the hall of records (sexy!), I’m trying to force myself to accept the fact that Sarah really is going to be a series regular next year and that the writers are insistent on pairing her up with Neal. UGH. Aside from my inherent biases against Hilarie Burton as an actress, there is absolutely no heat between Sarah and Neal no matter what your perspective is. Seriously, there are a few Hilarie fans out there (I assume), but I’m guessing even they weren’t convinced. So unfortunate. So forced. So awkward. On the other side of the coin, even Neal’s random conversations with Alex are sexy as hell. They don’t even have to touch for there to be heat. Neal and Sarah can tear each other’s clothes off and can’t even come close. I don’t want to have to stop watching the show, but I hate this storyline. A lot.

Most Shameful Product Placement: White Collar
The only thing I hate more than a bad storyline is a bad product placement. Sometimes a shameless product placement is funny or necessary (these shows have to pay the bills somehow, right?), but with White Collar, is just seems sad and desperate and painfully obvious. Dear Ford (I think), I am in no way more inclined to purchase your product now that Peter has shown me all the ridiculous features that I don’t need. Burn Notice manages to integrate cars and whatnot with ease, finding completely logical reasons for the characters to use the features of said products without shoving it in your face. White Collar? Not so much. Fail.

Awesomest Quintuple-Cross: The Good Wife
One the of best parts of this show is that it keeps viewers on their toes. I was honestly unsure if that one guy was actually double-crossing them or not. As the episode wore one, I started figuring out that he was actually double-crossing Bond, but with this show, you can never be sure, even right up till the last minute. Who knows, he could have been telling Will and Diane that he would screw Bond over, but until the vote was had, he could have gone either way. Phew! Amazing.

Best Kiss: Cary and Kalinda on The Good Wife
I did not see that coming! Honestly, as the scene progressed, I found myself hoping Cary would kiss her (as is so often the hope when these two are onscreen together), but it usually never happens! It totally makes sense that in Kalinda’s Rules of the Universe, giving someone a change-of-address notification is tantamount to a declaration of love, so I guess Cary felt like he had the green light. Wowzers, it was just a simple little kiss, almost a peck, but it was utterly squee-worthy. Seriously, there was more sizzle in Cary and Kalinda’s lip lock than in Sarah and Neal’s near-nudity.

Best Summation of the Profession of “English Teacher” in a Nutshell: Parenthood
I’ve been trying to give Parenthood a second chance, but after last week’s episode (in which the characters basically screamed at each other for an hour solid), I wasn’t too confident. But, I had heard that Jason Ritter would be back, so I tuned in. It was actually a pretty enjoyable episode and involved only minimal fast-forwarding. The best part though was Lorelai’s summation of Ritter’s essential function as an English teacher. When giving a critique of someone’s writing, it pretty much boils down to 1) give 2 or 3 vaguely positive comments to make the person feel good about him/herself, 2) then move on to several super-specific criticisms that make the writer question his/her will to live. Yup, that about sums it up.

Smallest World: Mike and Antonia on Top Chef
Yeah, so, after an entire season of them annoying each other like a couple of quarreling siblings, it turns out, the two of them are actually related. In one of the show’s more creative and interesting challenges of late, the cheftestants got a peak at their genealogy only to find that if you go back a few generations, Mike and Antonia have a lot more in common than just cooking. Ha!

Cruelest Trick: Top Chef
Okay, it’s one thing to tease some random contestant with, “Please pack your knives… because you’re advancing to the finals!” but to do that to Richard “I might just have a heart attack right here in the stew room” Blaise? That’s just mean. Poor guy looks like he was going to collapse… then punch Padma right in the face.

Most Perplexing Crush: I seem to have developed an odd fascination with Tim Gutterson on Justified…
I don’t know what it is or where it came from, but here we are. I find myself inexplicably captivated.

Most Interesting Collision of Two Shows: Ian Somerhalder auditioned for True Blood
I think somewhere in the back of my brain I knew this already, but I seem to have forgotten because it came as a surprise. In spite of Ian’s current vampire gig as Damon on The Vampire Diaries, he actually auditioned to play Jason Stackhouse on True Blood. As awesome as I think he would have been in that role, I think vampirism suits him better.

**Quotes of the Week**

“George, you’re chitchatting—with a gimp.”
--Nina, Being Human (UK). I was only intermittently fond of Nina in season 1, but in season 2 she’s become completely awesome (and funny as hell to boot).

“The Oscars are this Sunday and I think it’s Charlie Sheen’s year. He might make it into the In Memoriam montage.”
--The Soup. Alas, he didn’t make it. No worries, Charlie, you're a shoe-in for next year!

“In book news, Jesse James has signed a book deal with Simon & Schuster to write his memoirs, American Outlaw. Oh, I see, he’s calling it Jesse James: American Outlaw so people will associate it with the murderous bank robber… and not that guy everyone hates.”
--The Soup, regarding Sandra Bullock’s winner of an ex-husband.

"contrary to the rumors, i am not replacing charlie sheen on two and half men. however, martin sheen has asked me to be his son"
—John Stamos via twitter

“The feeling of being hurried is not usually the result of living a full life and having no time. It is on the contrary born of a vague fear that we are wasting our life. When we do not do the one thing we ought to do, we have no time for anything else -- we are the busiest people in the world.”
--Eric Hoffer, philosopher and author (1902-1983). This came with my word-a-day email. In this respect, my calendar actually is pretty damn full.

“Bat shit must be offended by all the Charlie Sheen comparisons.”
--via twitter, courtesy of Schindizzle

“Salt, meet wound. RT @thetvaddict: If #VeronicaMars was still on, its 2.5 million viewers would make it one of The CW's top rated shows!”
-- TVWithoutPity via twitter. Good god that’s depressing (for VM fans, sure, but I think it’s an even tougher pill to swallow for the network, er, “network”).

“You belong in the trophy case of sons of bitches.”
--Glenn Childs, expressing what fans of The Good Wife have thought about Peter Florrick since day one.

Alicia: “I don’t think I even have your old address.”
Kalinda: “Well, now you have my new one.”
Alicia: [mock sentimentality] “I feel like we’ve grown closer together.”
Kalinda: “Okay, give it back.”
Alicia: “Oh, no no no no. This is going in my copy of Eat Pray Love.”
--The Good Wife

Tim: “At least you got to shoot your father. Mine had the nerve to die before I got back from basic with skills and a loaded weapon.”
Raylan: “You didn’t miss much. I thought it was going to be way more fun than it was.”
--Justified. Apparently crappy fathers are required for employment with the US Marshals. That, or shitty fathers are even more common than I thought.

“If you don’t use them then all our money just goes to charity!”
--Noooooooo! Phil on Modern Family regarding some gift certificates they purchased for some sort of charity. Whatever that charity may be, it ain’t gettin’ my money for nothin’!

Week-In-Review 2.1

It has become apparent that I need to somehow label these so that I can keep them straight. I'm going to employ a system that I know all to well, the season.episode format, only now with month.week. Here we go!

Most Unexpected Memory Trigger: Betty White at the SAG awards, if you can believe it…
As happy as I was to see 89 year old Betty White take home the statue (even if she actually won for outstanding achievement in the field of still being alive), it also triggered one of those lightning-fast recollections of a dream that I had totally forgotten about. For some reason, I was riding in the backseat of a car (one of those old people cars—you know, the size of a catamaran, all in maroon) with someone I can’t remember and Betty was driving. When I say “driving,” I mean “racing down the freeway like a maniac.” I kept screaming for Betty to stop the car, but she wouldn’t. Then the cops pulled up beside us, sirens blaring, trying to get her to stop. Still no luck. I kept looking over at the cops with a look of “I don’t know what to do” because it was really important to me at the time that they know that I was not in cahoots with Betty White. I seem to recall Betty driving off the road into a ditch after that, much to everyone’s relief. That maniac Betty White would no longer be terrorizing the good people of whatever fictional town my brain had come up with. What this all could mean, I have no idea… If there are any Freudians or dream analysts out there, Merry Christmas.

Best Absence: Al Pacino wins at the SAG awards, but mercifully isn’t there to accept.
Not having to listen to another interminable “speech” from Al Pacino means we’re all winners.

Most Convenient Casting: Paz de la Huerta
Apparently the casting director for Boardwalk Empire wasn’t taking too big of a leap in casting Paz de la Huerta as a half-conscious, grating, incoherent dingbat, as confirmed at the SAG awards. And here all this time I was just hoping she was one hell of a convincing actress. As it turns out, no acting required. In related news, put… the bronzer… down!

Longest Divorce: Chuck
Hot on the heels of its dubious distinction as the “least tempting show saved on my DVR,” I’ve finally, finally, FINALLY broken things off for good. In light of hardly anything being new last night, I started watching one of the saved episodes. After about five minutes, I could hear Jessica Lovejoy’s voice in my head with a plaintive, “Bored now,” and called it quits. Officially. The series has been canceled from my DVR list and all saved episodes have been deleted. If precedent serves, this means the show will now get insanely awesome again, so if you’re sticking with it, you’re welcome.

Most Unhatable Villain: Lie to Me’s baddie-of-the-week
Okay, I realize that the delectable Ashton Holmes (the late great Thom from Nikita) was actually a brutal murderer on last night’s episode of Lie to Me, but I have so many warm and fuzzy feelings about him from his stint on Nikita that I spent the entire episode hoping to hell he got away with it. It wasn’t all that long ago that he got killed (the wound is still a bit fresh in my mind), so it sure was nice to see him crop up on another show (quite frankly, a show that can use all the help it can get). Here’s hoping he lands a regular gig on something worth watching (which is code for, something on cable—ooh! Justified! Please?).

Best Casting News: Kristen Bell in Showtime's House of Lies, a role that might not totally suck.
I think we can all agree that most of her career moves have been more heartbreaking than uplifting. Post Veronica Mars, it’s been pretty painful to watch our darling Veronica in one craptastic romantic comedy after another. Here’s hoping her return to the small screen yields watchable results. Showtime has a pretty good track record, so at least there’s a chance. Kristen really deserves more than just a supporting role, but hey, I’d rather see her play second fiddle on a show that’s good than headline something as horrendous as When in Rome. Oh, wait…

Most Tantalizing Tidbit: Neal Caffrey’s father was a cop!
Can I just say, White Collar took a while to really find solid ground, but now that it’s there, it has become one of my favorite hours of television each week. Maybe it’s that the writers really feel like they know their characters now, or that the network is in full support of the show, or maybe it’s that they finally killed off Kate ("I’ll take Kate Getting Killed for 500, Alex."), but whatever is going on, it’s working. After last week’s flashback episode, I had feared that they would withhold any additional information about Neal’s past until some sort of finale or premiere (which don’t get me wrong, on USA, that’s about all there is), but I was pleasantly surprised to get some tantalizing information about Neal’s real past, not just his criminal past. I love that Neal’s father was a cop. The vibe between Neal and Peter has always had a bit of a father-son vibe to it, so making Neal’s actual father a cop just adds to that. The fact that his father was never around when he was a kid (and was apparently a dirty cop) also gives their vibe a shot in the arm. I thought it was really interesting when Neal said that he learned a lot about guns trying to be like his father, given the fact that it’s been established that Neal hates guns. His relationship with his father (or lack thereof), has helped mold Neal into the man he is today, and essentially Peter is stepping in where his father never did. Neal’s mother claims that his father died when he was a toddler, but I think we all know that he isn’t dead. With the Kate mystery starting to wind down with the revelation of Adler, I’m happy to see them sparking new ones. The actual chronology of events and the veracity of everything Neal told Peter is still up for grabs, but whatever the case may be, I’m thrilled to finally get some basic information about who Neal is and where he came from. I’m secretly hoping there are some siblings out there to be found as well…

Best Showdown: Cary vs Blake on The Good Wife

Second Best Showdown: Eli vs Becca on The Good Wife

Third Best Showdown: Alicia vs Wendy Scott-Carr on, wait for it, The Good Wife

Most Showdowns: Homekeepers with Arthelene Rippy
Or was it The Good Wife? Yeah, in case you hadn’t noticed a pattern here, The Good Wife had kind of an intense week… Homekeepers is really more about passive-aggressive power-plays than showdowns. No really, I’m serious. If you watch The Soup, you know what I mean.

Bloodiest Backfire: Being Human
While it can’t quite hold a candle to the UK original, the US version is well-done and entertaining. And pretty bleak, at times. I had a feeling Aidan’s attempts to glamour that guy wouldn’t end well, but I didn’t expect the guy to kill himself. When Bishop handed Aidan that envelope, I thought of several possibilities for what could be in there, but bloody suicide photos was not at the top of the list. Ouch. Poor Aidan. That’s rough, bro.

Best Shower: One that has Ian Somerhalder in it...
Kudos, Vampire Diaries. Kudos. Ian is also sitting in the "Best Bathtub" category. Man, that was a really good episode, wasn't it?

Sorest Loser with the Most Pathetic Pasta: Mike Isabella on Top Chef
Mike, it’s one thing to be disappointed that you didn’t win, it’s quite another to bitch and moan that Antonia’s dish was “really easy” when all you had to do was make pasta. And you couldn’t. That’s right, jackass, she didn’t beat you with some fantabulous dish. Nope, all she had to do was make something properly and it blew your hard, crunchy, “un-done-te” pasta out of the water. Seriously, I can’t believe he had the gall to call her out for making something simple. Dear Mike, I can’t steam mussels, but I can boil water and dump pasta in, thanks. Bastard. Mike, if you want to beat Antonia, might I make a suggestion?

Best Episode Cliffhanger (muahahahaha division): The Vampire Diaries
I don’t know about you, but I kinda can’t wait for Katherine to get out of the tomb. Did I think for even a minute that it would be Uncle John to get her out? Not a chance. The vampire/werewolf war that’s brewing needs all the badass vampires it can get. There will be blood. Well, more blood.

Best Episode Cliffhanger (ruh-ruh division): Nikita
It doesn’t come as a total surprise that Michael is starting to put the pieces together on Nikita, but that doesn’t make it any less foreboding. His reaction to Nikita outside the museum, however, makes me think that most of his blustering is pure bravado and that he’s isn’t as angry as he claims. I’m loving this show and I can’t wait to see how this one plays out. In other news, uh, Alex? Could you at least try to look like you’re actually capable of subduing a room full of hostages? And couldn’t the show have included at least one other woman in that group? She stuck out like a tiny, teenage thumb.

Quotes of the Week:

Lip: “Debs, was he inside or outside the yard when you grabbed him?”
Debbie: “Inside.”
Lip: “Okay… So, how’d you get him out?”
Debbie: “I waved a Snickers bar at him.”
--Lip trying to figure out just how Debbie stole a 2-year-old from a birthday party and exactly how much trouble she’ll be in on Shameless. It was Debbie’s zealous reading of “Snickers bar” that really sold the line.

“Tell me about your mother. Did she wear hats?”
--Peter, on White Collar, trying to pin down absolutely anything regarding Neal’s dubious personal history, whether sartorial or otherwise.

“This looks like something you’d find at the steam table at your worst enemy’s wedding.”
--Anthony Bourdain (aka the best addition to the show in ages), regarding Mike’s pathetic pasta on Top Chef. Sooo, you’re saying we’re at Mike’s wedding?

Eli: “How is it that I can manage aldermen, judges, and yet I still seem to have this ridiculous little mean girl thorn in my shoe?”
Becca: “Maybe your secretly in love.”
--One of many showdowns in The Good Wife this week. Apparently Eli didn’t watch enough Gossip Girl or he would have seen this coming a mile away. Not that he wasn’t prepared. I think we can all agree that when it comes to politics, Eli is the meanest mean girl in town.

Cary: “You just got my only eyewitness kicked and you want my help?”
Kalinda: “Yeah.”
--Oh, Cary, we all know she does and we all know you will. So would we.

“It’ll murder those fine lines and wrinkles right off your face.”
--Danielle Fishel on The Dish, regarding the Rejuvenique beauty mask.

Damon: “He’s a werewolf. He needs to die. I’m willing to kill. It’s a win-win.”
Elena: "Damon, please. Too many people are dead.”
Damon: “You need to stop doing that.”
Elena: “Doing what?”
Damon: “Assuming that I’ll play the good guy because it’s you who’s asking.”
--The Vampire Diaries. Something wicked this way comes, and he has fabulous blue eyes.

“For reasons that should be obvious, Pierce the Insensitive, known also as Pierce the Dickish and Grandpa the Flatulent, was not invited.”
--Lord of the Rings-y narrator of Community’s Dungeons & Dragons send-up of Pierce.