ABC Upfronts: Eerily Peacockian

Boy, just when I thought NBC was the sole pathetic loser out there, after actually taking stock of ABC, it seems NBC is in good company. I honestly used to watch a whole hell of a lot of ABC, but now? It's pretty much Castle and... reruns of Castle. Granted, my slate of network shows is decreasing considerably across the board, but holy hell, I'm living in a world where I watch more shows on CBS than ABC. I never thought that would happen...

I don't think ABC did either. As a 28-year-old woman, I basically am their target demo, and if I've turned away, that's not a good sign. To their credit, they seem to have noticed the downturn and have cut a lot of the dead weight. I'll be posting about their new pilots later on, but seriously, ABC needs a win this fall if they're going to keep their heads in the game. They haven't had a breakout hit since Modern Family debuted. Based on what I've seen for their fall slate, I'm guessing they'll be waiting another year for a win. That, or midseason. In a rather annoying and confounding trend, most of the new pilots this year that actually look promising are being held till midseason, with no greater offender than ABC. Weird. Good luck with that, ABC.

Anyways, here's how the chips fell. In terms of freshman shows returning for a second season, ABC only fared marginally better than NBC. Not a statistic to be proud of...

SHOWS THAT HAVE BEEN CANCELED:

• Better With You
  I'm only mostly sure I know which of the lame-ass slew of relationship comedies this one is, but it won't be missed even if I'm thinking of the wrong one.
  
  
• Brothers & Sisters
  I only ever saw the pilot, and that was enough. Geez, this sucker has been around for ages, so even though I can't speak to its current quality, it has to be pretty long in the tooth at this point.
  
  
• Detroit 1-8-7
  I hear this one actually got pretty good. It's a shame it won't be back. Maybe TNT wants to flesh out its cop show rescue programming and pick it up. The Chicago Code as well.
  
  
• Mr. Sunshine
  Wow, won't be missed. Nice try, Matt. No ci-gar.
  
  
• No Ordinary Family
  Fun concept, horrible cast. If I could have gotten past the Julie Benz and Michael Chicklis of it all, it might have been watchable, but that's a whole lot to get past.
  
  
• Off the Map
  Lame concept, wonderful cast. It's a shame Shonda refused to step out of her box on this one. Of course, its cancellation frees up a lot of good actors for better projects, so kudos, ABC.
  
  
• V
  I gave up on this one after the first, uh... pod(?) of episodes. It had some real potential, but the scheduling situation was too annoying to bear.
  

SHOWS THAT HAVE BEEN PICKED-UP:

• Body of Proof
  Meh. It's a decent enough medical procedural, if you're into that sort of thing, but I ain't.
  
  
• Castle
  Oh, my darling Castle. Way to be the only show on this entire network worth watching. Okay, seriously, that finale!? Awesome! I had a feeling Montgomery wasn't going to survive the episode, but I didn't seem him as the pseudo-baddie at all! Unlike Bones, who picks villains out of a hat 10 minutes before writing the big reveal, Castle did a lovely job setting this up and paying it off. The fight between Ryan and Esposito was surprisingly jarring, the confrontation with Beckett was brutal, and the attempt at Beckett's life at the funeral? Unexpected and evocative. Plus, as a box full of cookies to shippers everywhere, Castle's confession of love to Beckett right before she passed out was just perfect. Well done, show. Well done.
  
  
• Cougar Town
  It's nice to see at least one of the Friends has broken the curse. Who'd have ever guessed it'd be Monica? Not Chandler, I tell you that much (see Mr. Sunshine, above).
  
  
• Desperate Housewives
  Wow, speaking of long in the tooth, I can't believe this show is still on. It'll now be opposite The Good Wife, which, if viewers have any savvy at all, means that DH devotees will be jumping ship for some real quality programming.
  
  
• Grey's Anatomy
  Uh, good for them?
  
  
• Happy Endings
  Along with Body of Proof, this is the only other Freshman series to be returning in the fall. Don't get me wrong, that means that last year was twice as successful as NBC, but again, not something to brag about. It's a catastrophically low bar.
  
  
• The Middle
  
  
• Modern Family
  Yeah, I'm just not feeling the love so much these days... This season has been uneven at best and downright dull at worst. It's still amusing on the whole, but not much of a laugh-out-loud event the way that Community is.
  
  
• Private Practice
  The last thing I remember was Violet getting a C-section performed by a psychopath... Wonder how that turned out. Wait, no, I don't.
  

Week-In-Review 4.1

And the slimminess of the pickens keeps on keepin' on... A lot of shows which have been on hiatus return next week, so things are looking up, but holy hell, if that last month hasn't been a slog. I'm starting to forget what The Vampire Diaries and Nikita even look like.

Best Cult Name: The Church of Earth…Wind and Fire on Being Human (UK)
This show has more than its fair share of dark moments, but it balances it out with hilarity. “I was in the cult? I was in the cult, yes.”

English to English Dictionary Addition of the Week: “Pikey” on Being Human (UK)
A “pikey” is basically the British equivalent of trailer trash, as I recently found out. As per urbandictionary.com, it’s from the English "turnpike", the place where itinerant travelers and thieves would camp near a settlement. And, from the film Snatch, they apparently have their own unintelligible language that “isn't English, it isn't Irish, it's just Pikey.” Learn something new every day.

Question You Never Want to Have to Ask: “What’s the age of consent for the state of Illinois?” on Shameless
Sorry Frank, that ship has sailed. It’s half-way to Fiji by now. Or, even worse, en route to Eddie’s and Lip’s email inboxes.

Worst Way to Go: Eddie Jackson on Shameless
Well, shit. I can think of a lot of good ways to kill yourself, but strapping cinderblocks to your legs and hopping into a frozen lake? Not at the top of my list… Presumably the freezing water would kill you quicker, and maybe he’s hoping his body is never found for some reason, but still.

Best Closet Exit: Ian finally tells Fiona that he’s gay on Shameless
It’s pretty clear that Ian and Lip have the closest bond of any of the siblings, but I like to think that Fiona knew Ian was gay well before Lip did. “Fiona, I’m gay,” he apprehensively blurts out. “I know,” she simply replies. Fiona may not be his best friend in the house the way that Lip is, but she’s his sister, and his mother basically, and in terms of knowing that someone is gay, sisters and mothers are usually the first to know.

Most Welcomed Return: Nurse Jackie
Oh, how I’ve missed you. It was a little strange going into season 2. After the suicidal events of the season 1 finale, I expected season 2 to be very different, but it wasn’t. I mean, it took things down a different path in many ways, just not the ones I expected. With season 3, however, the game has definitely been changed. Both Kevin and O’Hara know the truth, and Jackie is reeling. Biggest change of all? Jacks passes on the opportunity to purloin a fallen Percocet. I can’t wait to see where things go from here. I still miss Mo-mo though. Always will.

Mini Let-Down of the Week: Castle
It was honestly one of their stronger A-plots, but as you know, A-plots do not a series make in my opinion. This episode just didn’t seem to have the snap, crackle, and pop of others. I didn’t even pull out any funny quotes for the end of this post. I don’t think that’s ever happened before… In the plus column though, the very end where Castle basically dupes Beckett into going on a date with him was adorable. Best part of the episode, hands down.

Most Shameless Product Placement: Castle
Okay, I don’t actually know what kind of phone or what apps Castle was using, but the promotion was pretty shameless and annoying. At first, when he used his phone to track Alexis’ position, I was willing to go with it as simply a plot point. The next several times, complete with close-up views of his phone, were not so forgivable. He uses a different phone every week, so this comes as little surprise really, but it’s never been so blatant before. I guess I should be grateful that the integrations were pretty well integrated. White Collar could take some pointers from this. If you simply must use integrated product placement, at least make it make a modicum of sense.

Most Depressing Ratings News: Body of Proof does better than The Good Wife
I realize it was a series premiere and that it will likely drop off next week, but still. The thought that anyone would choose yet another crime procedural over the best drama on network TV is just depressing as hell.

Biggest Storm a’ Brewin’ (Chicago Division): The Good Wife
Man alive, the noose just keeps getting tighter and tighter and it’s making me more and more nervous with each passing episode. The revelation that Peter slept with Kalinda has the potential to uproot just about every character on the show, if not destroy them entirely. Peter’s bid for State’s Attorney, Kalinda’s secret identity, Alicia’s entire existence… Things are about to get crazy. Well, crazier.

Biggest Storm a’ Brewin’ (Whoop-de-doo Division): Justified
First thing, ten-gallon hats off to Justified (and to FX) for its third season pick-up. Secondly, with the current season getting better and better week-to-week, I can only imagine how awesome that third season will be. Between the Bennets, the Givenseseses, Black Pike, Boyd, and Art’s suspicions of Raylan, we have one hell of a nailbiter on our hands (heh, get it? nailbiter, hands? sorry).

Best Performance: Margo Martindale on Justified
This show is always firing on all cylinders, and has a cast that can rise to the challenge, but the addition of Margo Martindale has upped everyone’s games considerably. Emmy voters, take notice. She didn’t just win over the town with her oration about “the spoil,” she solidified her place on my ballot.

Best Win: Richard Blais on Top Chef All Stars
Saints be praised, and hallelujah! He was my pick to win from day one, but I’ll be damned if the show didn’t make it look like Mike Isabella might take it home. I’m pretty sure Blais would have simply collapsed and died on the spot if he’d lost, so it’s for the best on a number of levels. Speaking of Blais, I came across an article in the Hollywood Reported titled “5 Things to Know About New Top Chef Winner Richard Blais”. It went on to say, “here are five things you might not know about him…” First on the list? He uses liquid nitrogen when he cooks. Um, I hate to break it to the people at the Hollywood Reporter, but anyone who would be reading this article would know that. Indeed, in a contest between knowing his first name or knowing that he uses liquid nitrogen, believe me, more people will know about the liquid nitrogen.

Sorest Loser: Mike from Top Chef All Stars
Okay, seriously, what happened to you as a child that you turned out like this? The eye-rolling, the excuses, the bravado… someone needs to just shoot the bastard. Look, Mike, I realize you must have been beat up as a child, a lot, but that’s no excuse. I’ve never seen someone so insecure in my life, and I just watched an entire season of Richard Blais having panic attacks.

Lamest and Most Obvious Plea to Viewers: Criminal Minds
Oh, Criminal Minds. Don’t fire two beloved actresses and then pretend that the audience is just being whiny when they cry foul. This latest episode opens begins with, well, a horrific death of course, but right after that, we see Penelope staring at a picture of Prentiss on the wall, which prompts Morgan to say, “Prentiss wouldn’t want us to sulk. […] She would also want us to embrace Seaver.” This thinly veiled plea to the audience to just get over it all ready was more annoying than convincing. JJ and Prentiss were two of the best aspects of the show, and to summarily fire them within weeks of each other was a serious blow. On top of that, Seaver could not possibly be any more boring, or more damningly, completely useless to the team. Honestly, she was vaguely helpful for that one episode where her life-experience actually aided the team, but since then? She’s a total waste of space and no scolding from the writers of the show is going to convince me otherwise. How do I know for sure that losing Prentiss and adding Seaver was a bad move? This last episode was one of the most boring episodes I’ve ever seen. The dynamic among the group is just plain dull these days. Here’s hoping they add someone who actually brings something to the table (you know, like a gun with which to shoot Seaver).

**Quotes of the Week**

“The #burnnotice ep we're working on is too hard. So instead of an ep, shirtless Michael just blows something up and we'll call it a day. Ok?”
--Burn Notice showrunner Matt Nix, via twitter. Dear Matt, that works for me.

“I don't need or want ur apology...I want your kidney dude. ‘On behalf of ur X and all the women uv insulted...give it back.’”
--Kirstie Alley, responding to George Lopez calling her a pig and referring to the fact that Lopez divorced his wife five years after she donated one her kidneys to him.

“No magic (unless you count how Romans in Hollywood always magically sound British).”
--Entertainment Weekly, taking a tally of the various aspects of new epic TV shows like Camelot, Game of Thrones, and The Borgias. The Borgias doesn’t have much in the way of magic, but a hell of a lot of English Spaniards and English Italians. I’ll never understand why the hell they do that, but it’s distracting. The French guy sounded French, after all…

“Lowest Common Denominator Continues To Plummet: The lowest common denominator (LCD), the leading cultural indicator for American mass-market tastes, continued its precipitous drop last week, fueling worries about the future of the U.S. marketplace for ideas and stoking fears of a long-term cultural recession.”
--The Onion, which, I have to assume, is talking about Body of Proof’s impressive ratings versus The Good Wife. The plummeting LCD is one of the primary reasons I’ve started importing more and more TV goods.

“I’ve got an axe I can drop on your head at any moment. Why would I give that up?”
--Nurse Jackie, letting Sam know exactly who she is and how she operates.

“You broke my heart, Jacks.”
--O’Hara on Nurse Jackie. Jackie has been breaking the audience’s heart for two seasons now, but seeing it hit the people around her hurts even more.

Ian: “If I get convicted, I can’t enlist.”
Lip: “What?”
Ian: “In the Marines.”
Lip: “Good. I was planning on kneecapping you in your sleep to keep you out of Kandahar anyway.”
--Shameless, regarding Lip and Ian’s recent arrest for grand theft auto. As is a surprise to no one, in spite of Lip’s determination to keep Ian out of Kandahar, he takes full blame for the crime so that Ian won’t be convicted.

“It’s like when a storm is over. Is it happiness? Or is it just relief?”
--Alicia on The Good Wife, being very Epicurean, and sadly delusional. Oh, Alicia. If you only knew. Wait, strike that, please don’t ever know.

“Didja know that Dana Delany's supposed to be brilliant on #BodyOfProof? Cause the show didn't hammer that point AT ALL.”
--Television Without Pity, via twitter, summing up the annoyance that was Body of Proof in 140 characters or less.

Week-In-Review 3.4

Okay, yeah, so March can't end any sooner. The dearth of new programming is starting to take a serious toll, people. April usually fares a bit better, and then, of course, May is sweeps. Lousy Smarch programming... Honestly, when there's only one new show to watch on a Thursday, you know you're in trouble.

Worst Costume Design/Most Frightening New Pilot: Wonder Woman
Wow, I hardly even know where to start with this particularly train wreck... Man alive, I was worried for this reboot before I saw the costume design courtesy of Entertainment Weekly. Now? "Yikes" just doesn't quite seem to do it justice... It looks to be even worse than I’d feared. I guess it’s good to know that Howie’s Halloween Bargain Bin is getting some much needed business though… Seriously, it could not look any cheaper and couldn’t make Adrianne Palicki look any worse. She’s actually a very pretty girl (check her out as Tyra Collette on Friday Night Lights for a shocking comparison), but with dark hair and the smashed breasts make her look terrible. Her face looks oddly mannish here, which, for a character by the name of Wonder Woman, probably isn’t the direction they were hoping for. I’m going to have to side with TWoP on this one. “Days later and we still think that Adrianne Palicki would have been better off in some Wonder Woman underroos.” I'm not sure how appointed David E. Kelley as the head of this disaster, but between him and this costume, I'm afriad. Very afriad.

Best Casting Choice: Ian’s Biological Father on Shameless
Um, wow. Nicely done, casting director person! Seriously, I’m guessing Cameron Monaghan’s actual father doesn’t look that much like him. Freaky.

Least Believable Knowledge Gap: Robin on HIMYM
I actually thought the concept of everyone having a “knowledge gap” was pretty entertaining, but after several years of establishing Robin as a Canadian who misses being up north, the thought of her not knowing that the North Pole is a real place is ridiculous, even for this show. And not knowing that reindeer are real? Absurd. There are a billion gaps they could have given her, but for some reason they settled on the most unbelievable of them all. Did the writers do this on purpose to make Robin look even dumber than we thought, or did they casually forget who the character is entirely? Who knows.

Best Pick-Up News: Southland
I wouldn’t say this is my favorite show by any stretch, but it’s a quality program with incredible performances week-to-week and deserves another season. Anything to stick it to NBC for canceling them in such a shady way in the first place is a win in my book.

Somehow, Most and Fewest Eliminations: The Biggest Loser
I have never really cared for this show, but various people in my office watch it, so I caved. I hate being on the outside of a conversation, so I figured I’d tune in for the fast-forwarded version. I did that for a few weeks, but then my scheduling got too full and I had to bail on it. Well, with March upon us and reruns in full swing, I finally got back to it. After this long, I assumed I’d see maybe 6, considerably thinner contestants left. Well, everyone was thinner, but there were still 11 people left. And if that weren’t enough, they brought back another one! And then they eliminated a guy who didn’t want to go home, and kept a girl who did. I realize they’re trying to make things more exciting here, but it’s mostly just lame. And at the rate they keep bringing people back, the season will end sometime around Christmas. Of next year.

Best Shipper Name: Esplainie on Castle
You know, because they’re always “esplaining” things. Solid gold.

Best Meta References: Castle
Speaking of shippers, hats off to Castle for addressing the crazy fans out there head-on, and in the most charming way possible. They somehow managed to take on obsessive shippers, bloggers who rail against the shows they love, and the fervor over their own will-they-or-won’t-they setup, all without pissing off anyone who actually falls into those categories. Well played.

Shittiest Luck: Basically the entire cast of Shameless
Boy, this just keep going from bad to worse for these people. This week’s episode set the dominoes in place, and in the finale few minutes, nudged that first one into the next. Sunday’s finale promises a wide array of crazy as the rest come tumbling down. Oh, Officer Tony. Way to go, champ. Surely sending Lip and Ian to jail is the way into Fiona’s pants, right?

Second Shittiest Luck: Winona and Raylan on Justified
Last week’s episode felt a little out of place and kind of like a filler episode, but when you combine it with this week’s denouement, it turns out that it was actually a thrilling two-parter that should have been aired on the same night. After last week, I was a little skeptical about how things played out. Why the hell would Winona have taken a single bill to the bank to see if it was real? Was she going to go back for the rest? That’s a terrible plan! Well, with this week’s episode, it all makes a lot more sense. She took the whole lot first thing, intending on spending it, then realized that perhaps the reason it was in lock-up for so long was that it was counterfeit. That’s why she went to the bank with the one bill, then changed her mind as she realized the ramifications of showing up at a bank with a fake bill. This in no way means her actions weren’t incredibly stupid, but at least there’s a rationale behind it. Man alive, the payoff in this week’s episode was well-worth the ambivalence over last week’s. In true Hitchcockian brilliance, the audience becomes a co-conspirator with Raylan and Winona as they try desperately to put that money back where it came from without getting caught. With the audience being the only ones privy to every moment, it became unbearably nerve-wracking as their every attempt failed, then was one-upped with even more danger. So great. And, while lesser shows would have put us through all that and then had them get away scot free, Justified gives us some resolution without the rose-colored glasses. Winona gets the money back into evidence, but not without Art Mullen becoming slightly suspicious of our good friend Raylan. I’m just so glad I can breathe again now that the money has been taken care of that I’m more than happy to live with a little unsubstantiated suspicion.

In Related News, Most Terrifying Performance by an Inanimate Object: Winona’s stupid, ugly, incriminating bag on Justified
I must have thought to myself, “Oh, for hell’s sake, Winona!” at least a hundred times because of that bag…

Most Deafening Silence/Longest Elevator Ride Ever: Justified
After enduring an entire episode of unbridled anxiety, the money is returned, Winona’s leather bag is empty, but that’s only just the beginning. Wow, I wouldn’t have wanted to have been in that elevator after all that. Really, after something like this, what do you say? What can you say?

Slumpiest Sophomore Year: Modern Family
This week’s episode was better than the last several, but that must mean that the bar has been lowered considerably from season 1. I’ve never been as over-the-moon about this show as most people (finding it to be more amusing than uproarious), but in season 1, I walked away from most episodes with a few hi-larious quotes and several memorable moments. This season? It’s more medium-larious than anything else and on a far less frequent basis. I guess I’m just not finding a whole lot to latch onto this year. Long story short, where Community has upped its game in season 2, Modern Family has declined. Community has always been a better comedy, but now, the gap is more noticeable than ever.

Biggest Dick: Mike on Top Chef All-Stars
Can I tell you how irked I am that he’s in the finale? Don’t get me wrong, I’d rather see Blais trounce him than Antonia, but that also means that we have to see yet another episode of Mike and his insufferableness. He’s suck a prick. Even when he’s trying to be complimentary, he’s a bastard. Way to undercut Chef Bernstein by specifying that she’s “one of the top women chefs,” rather than simply “one of the top chefs” in the country. Nice back-handed praise for one of the guest judges there, jackass. I swear to god, if he wins this, fans will revolt. Come on Blais, don’t you dare choke… you know, like you did the last time (why yes, yes I will continue to pour salt in that wound if I think it'll motivate him to suck less this time around!)

Strangest, Yet Ridiculously Common Pronunciation: Jaguar on Top Model
I don’t know where people get this idea, but I have heard more than a few people over the years pronounce “jaguar” as “jag-wire”. It’s not even kind of spelled like that and in spite of my best efforts to find a dictionary out there that has that as an alternate pronunciation, I fell short. There are only two pronunciations of “jaguar” that I’ve ever come across in a dictionary. “Jag-wahr” and the chiefly British “jag-yoo-ar”. I’ll happily take either. Not that I should be expecting much from top model contestants, but this weirdness extends beyond just them. So weird.

Best Mash-Up: Pulp Fiction and My Dinner with Andre on Community
I love this show. Best comedy on TV. I’ve never actually seen My Dinner with Andre, but now I might just have to. “I’ll never forget My Dinner with Andre dinner with Abed.” Classic. Only this show could managed to blend two such disparate movies into a TV show that's not only hilarious, but also has emotional depth. Impressive.

Best New Acronym: THL—Tight Heavy Lid
Courtesy of Community, of course. Should prove useful...

**Quotes of the Week**

“You shouldn't have to do fucking Glee…. The guy is so offended that we're not, like, begging to be on his fucking show. Fuck that guy for thinking anybody and everybody should want to do Glee. ... I watched 10 minutes. It's not my thing.”
--Dave Grohl of the Foo Fighters. I couldn’t agree more. I enjoy Glee well enough (although this season has been rough), but I find myself thinking a little less of certain musicians who allow their music to be used on the show. If I had my way, they’d do almost nothing but showtunes, which showcase the cast’s talents the best and which help tell a story a whole lot better. Sorry Ryan Murphy, but I’m with Dave on this one. Stop being such a baby and taking offense when you get turned down.

“Report: Majority Of Newspapers Now Purchased By Kidnappers To Prove Date”
--The Onion makes my day.

“We call this color: I was saying Royal Blue-urns.”
--Shirt Woot, making my day with a reference only true blue-urns Simpsons fans will appreciate.

Martha: “After my character married his character, Joseph Fox, she was kidnapped, buried alive, trapped in a cave with bears, uh, kidnapped again, and held hostage in the sewers of Paris.”
Beckett: “How long were you on the show?”
Martha: “Three weeks.”
--Castle, regarding Martha's stint on a daytime soap.

“George. I choose you.”
--Mitchell on Being Human (UK), who keeps breaking my heart. I’m afraid for the rest of this season, peeps. Very afraid.

Alicia: “It’s my daughter. She thinks I drink too much.”
Kalinda: “You know what your problem is?”
Alicia: “I don’t drink enough?”
Kalinda: “You didn’t get your tubes tied.”
--The Good Wife. Word. (Sorry, Jahn, I know you like Grace.)

Alicia: “You crossed the line.”
Eli: “…Which one?”
--The Good Wife. I don’t talk about him much, but Eli Gold is one of the best characters on TV. It makes the frequent absences of Chris Noth a little easier to endure. Alan Cumming, you’re my hero. Or, as my brother would say, “Nightcrawler really deserves his own show.” Agreed.

"There's nothing clear about the air around coal."
--Probably the most prophetic and subtly pointed lines ever spoken on Justified.

Raylan: “He has had my back on two occasions. Once was the last day I was in the mine, and the other, not so long ago.”
Carol: “My, that sounds like a love story.”
--Justified, pointing out what the audience already knows. This show may be about a lot of things, but the relationship between Boyd and Raylan takes the cake.

“He will be amazing & adored, then Fox will cancel him after 14 eps.”
--Nathan Fillion, via twitter, responding to tradertiki’s comment, “My wife and I just named our son Malcolm Reynolds....”

“And all the while there was Winona's tan leather bag, brimming with stacks of smirking Benjamin Franklins, mocking us at every turn. Just sitting there. Like a bag. But it was anything but a bag. It's always fantastic when an inanimate object becomes a central character in a show or film, and halfway through the episode I wanted to punch that bag in its non-existent face or roughly pull its zipper back and forth until it caught on something and got stuck. Take that, bag!”
--Tim Surette on TV.com, expressing my thoughts toward Winona’s bag far more eloquently than I could.

“Cool. Cool. Cool, cool, cool.”
--Abed on Community, noting the awesomeness of his friends’ Pulp Fiction costumes. Cool to the fifth, really. I loved how earlier in the episode Annie had said that they’d get at least five “cools” from Abed, and then they did.

Troy [near sobbing]: “They said market price! WHAT MARKET ARE YOU SHOPPING AT?!”
--Community. I always love the little… geez, what do you call those little scenes at the end of a show that come after the narrative has already been wrapped up? Well, whatever they’re called, Community does them better than anyone. They always leave you will a hilarious little nugget to hold onto.

Week-In-Review 3.1

Sorry this sucker is a little late in coming. I was dying on Friday and just didn't make it. I still feel pretty crappy today, but there doesn't seem to be any way around that...

Most Sobering Look at the Other Half: Fiona isn’t familiar with Word on Shameless
I couldn’t decide it if was incredibly sad or if I was incredibly jealous… Fiona is 21, so it was peculiar enough that she needed to take a class on how to use PowerPoint (“I don’t know what PowerPoint is, but I’m sure you’ll be great at it.”), but it was genuinely heartbreaking to see her so completely out of her depth with even the basics. As the instructor is asking those lame introductory questions, requesting a raise of hands regarding, “Who’s familiar with Microsoft? Microsoft Word? And Excel?” all the hands automatically go up… except for Fiona’s. On the one hand, the thought of never having used these programs felt like some fantabulous and unfathomable fantasy world that I could never be a part of, but on the other, it was pretty scary to think of how utterly crippling it would be to not know how to use a computer. To be so out of your depth is always discouraging, but to know that your only other option is working at a Hooter’s-esque sports bar? That’s unbelievably sad. It’s so completely foreign to me that anyone in this day and age would be unfamiliar with basic computing skills, but for these brutally poor kids who grew up on the wrong side of the tracks? I’m afraid it’s probably all too common a phenomenon.

Best Eyebrow Raiser: Steve isn’t really Steve on Shameless
I’ve always like Steve quite a lot, but now I kinda love him. From the beginning, it was pretty clear that there was more to Steve than meets the eye. As it awesomely turns out, that something more is a different identity entirely. One of the uppercrusty secret life players was apparently a brother, so I can’t imagine this is a long con, and have to assume that he really is a rich kid named Jimmy deep down. The Candace angle is a bit murkier, however… I’m not sure where she factors in or if she really is part of a long con… or who she really is, for that matter. For the first time since the show started, I kinda can’t wait to see what happens next week.

Clearest Indication That We’re Losing the War on Terror: Castle
Apparently a gigantic dirty bomb threatening the citizens of the largest city in the country only worries the national government to the point of sending one guy to save the day. Geez, it’s a good thing the NYPD has a goofy mystery writer on staff or we’d all be dead.

Most Interesting Racial Tidbit: Adrian Pasdar is half-Iranian
Given that his character on Castle was an FBI bigwig who happily engaged in racial profiling in his search for potential Middle Eastern terrorists, I thought the fact that he has Iranian heritage was kind of interesting. I’m not sure how or why I already knew that, but it made the casting choice all the more intriguing—especially given that it turned out that the bombers in the episode were homegrown ex-military men without a shred of Middle Eastern descent.

Least Believable Love Interest: Nora on HIMYM
Look, show, I realize you’re trying to give Barney some layers here, and I appreciate that, but for someone like Barney to really fall for a woman, she really need to have more going for her than Nora does. Barney has been with untold numbers of beautiful women, so to get audiences to believe that he’s really fallen in love, maybe you should have given his love interest more than just beauty. She’s bland as hell and I ain’t buyin’ it. Barney falling for Robin, while ultimately unfortunate, at least made sense. This just seems lazy.

Most Ridiculous Prudery: Face Off
For those of you unaware, this is a movie make-up competition show on Syfy that’s surprisingly entertaining… and fairly prudish, as it were. In a recent challenge, they had to swap the genders of engaged couples. Well, in making one of the fellas into a woman, one of the team created a silicone chest piece in order to give the man breasts. Apparently the detached, unpainted, vaguely breast-like structures pulled out of the mold were just too risqué for basic cable, because they literally blurred the area where nipples would eventually go. Seriously!? Seriously. I’m starting to think that someone is doing that as a joke. Surely it’s a joke, right???

Character Most in Need of a Sandwich: Sarah on White Collar
Holy hell, I’ve never been a fan of Hilarie Burton in general (acting, the total lack of chemistry with Neal, etc), but I’m realizing just how difficult she is to look at in certain outfits. I’m all for being thin, but her shoulders are disgusting. You can see every joint and bone and sinew. Sure, everyone enjoys having a better understanding of a ball-and-socket joint, but this is going too far. Ew.

Least Believable Love Scene: Speaking of Sarah on White Collar
Ugh. When I saw that Alex was going to be in this last episode (I saw the actress’ name in the opening credits), I was hopeful that the writers wouldn’t actually take the Neal/Sarah whateverness in the direction I had feared. It was only a little hope (I’m realistic here), but it was something. Now, what with Neal’s and Sarah’s awkward and unconvincing romp in the hall of records (sexy!), I’m trying to force myself to accept the fact that Sarah really is going to be a series regular next year and that the writers are insistent on pairing her up with Neal. UGH. Aside from my inherent biases against Hilarie Burton as an actress, there is absolutely no heat between Sarah and Neal no matter what your perspective is. Seriously, there are a few Hilarie fans out there (I assume), but I’m guessing even they weren’t convinced. So unfortunate. So forced. So awkward. On the other side of the coin, even Neal’s random conversations with Alex are sexy as hell. They don’t even have to touch for there to be heat. Neal and Sarah can tear each other’s clothes off and can’t even come close. I don’t want to have to stop watching the show, but I hate this storyline. A lot.

Most Shameful Product Placement: White Collar
The only thing I hate more than a bad storyline is a bad product placement. Sometimes a shameless product placement is funny or necessary (these shows have to pay the bills somehow, right?), but with White Collar, is just seems sad and desperate and painfully obvious. Dear Ford (I think), I am in no way more inclined to purchase your product now that Peter has shown me all the ridiculous features that I don’t need. Burn Notice manages to integrate cars and whatnot with ease, finding completely logical reasons for the characters to use the features of said products without shoving it in your face. White Collar? Not so much. Fail.

Awesomest Quintuple-Cross: The Good Wife
One the of best parts of this show is that it keeps viewers on their toes. I was honestly unsure if that one guy was actually double-crossing them or not. As the episode wore one, I started figuring out that he was actually double-crossing Bond, but with this show, you can never be sure, even right up till the last minute. Who knows, he could have been telling Will and Diane that he would screw Bond over, but until the vote was had, he could have gone either way. Phew! Amazing.

Best Kiss: Cary and Kalinda on The Good Wife
I did not see that coming! Honestly, as the scene progressed, I found myself hoping Cary would kiss her (as is so often the hope when these two are onscreen together), but it usually never happens! It totally makes sense that in Kalinda’s Rules of the Universe, giving someone a change-of-address notification is tantamount to a declaration of love, so I guess Cary felt like he had the green light. Wowzers, it was just a simple little kiss, almost a peck, but it was utterly squee-worthy. Seriously, there was more sizzle in Cary and Kalinda’s lip lock than in Sarah and Neal’s near-nudity.

Best Summation of the Profession of “English Teacher” in a Nutshell: Parenthood
I’ve been trying to give Parenthood a second chance, but after last week’s episode (in which the characters basically screamed at each other for an hour solid), I wasn’t too confident. But, I had heard that Jason Ritter would be back, so I tuned in. It was actually a pretty enjoyable episode and involved only minimal fast-forwarding. The best part though was Lorelai’s summation of Ritter’s essential function as an English teacher. When giving a critique of someone’s writing, it pretty much boils down to 1) give 2 or 3 vaguely positive comments to make the person feel good about him/herself, 2) then move on to several super-specific criticisms that make the writer question his/her will to live. Yup, that about sums it up.

Smallest World: Mike and Antonia on Top Chef
Yeah, so, after an entire season of them annoying each other like a couple of quarreling siblings, it turns out, the two of them are actually related. In one of the show’s more creative and interesting challenges of late, the cheftestants got a peak at their genealogy only to find that if you go back a few generations, Mike and Antonia have a lot more in common than just cooking. Ha!

Cruelest Trick: Top Chef
Okay, it’s one thing to tease some random contestant with, “Please pack your knives… because you’re advancing to the finals!” but to do that to Richard “I might just have a heart attack right here in the stew room” Blaise? That’s just mean. Poor guy looks like he was going to collapse… then punch Padma right in the face.

Most Perplexing Crush: I seem to have developed an odd fascination with Tim Gutterson on Justified…
I don’t know what it is or where it came from, but here we are. I find myself inexplicably captivated.

Most Interesting Collision of Two Shows: Ian Somerhalder auditioned for True Blood
I think somewhere in the back of my brain I knew this already, but I seem to have forgotten because it came as a surprise. In spite of Ian’s current vampire gig as Damon on The Vampire Diaries, he actually auditioned to play Jason Stackhouse on True Blood. As awesome as I think he would have been in that role, I think vampirism suits him better.

**Quotes of the Week**

“George, you’re chitchatting—with a gimp.”
--Nina, Being Human (UK). I was only intermittently fond of Nina in season 1, but in season 2 she’s become completely awesome (and funny as hell to boot).

“The Oscars are this Sunday and I think it’s Charlie Sheen’s year. He might make it into the In Memoriam montage.”
--The Soup. Alas, he didn’t make it. No worries, Charlie, you're a shoe-in for next year!

“In book news, Jesse James has signed a book deal with Simon & Schuster to write his memoirs, American Outlaw. Oh, I see, he’s calling it Jesse James: American Outlaw so people will associate it with the murderous bank robber… and not that guy everyone hates.”
--The Soup, regarding Sandra Bullock’s winner of an ex-husband.

"contrary to the rumors, i am not replacing charlie sheen on two and half men. however, martin sheen has asked me to be his son"
—John Stamos via twitter

“The feeling of being hurried is not usually the result of living a full life and having no time. It is on the contrary born of a vague fear that we are wasting our life. When we do not do the one thing we ought to do, we have no time for anything else -- we are the busiest people in the world.”
--Eric Hoffer, philosopher and author (1902-1983). This came with my word-a-day email. In this respect, my calendar actually is pretty damn full.

“Bat shit must be offended by all the Charlie Sheen comparisons.”
--via twitter, courtesy of Schindizzle

“Salt, meet wound. RT @thetvaddict: If #VeronicaMars was still on, its 2.5 million viewers would make it one of The CW's top rated shows!”
-- TVWithoutPity via twitter. Good god that’s depressing (for VM fans, sure, but I think it’s an even tougher pill to swallow for the network, er, “network”).

“You belong in the trophy case of sons of bitches.”
--Glenn Childs, expressing what fans of The Good Wife have thought about Peter Florrick since day one.

Alicia: “I don’t think I even have your old address.”
Kalinda: “Well, now you have my new one.”
Alicia: [mock sentimentality] “I feel like we’ve grown closer together.”
Kalinda: “Okay, give it back.”
Alicia: “Oh, no no no no. This is going in my copy of Eat Pray Love.”
--The Good Wife

Tim: “At least you got to shoot your father. Mine had the nerve to die before I got back from basic with skills and a loaded weapon.”
Raylan: “You didn’t miss much. I thought it was going to be way more fun than it was.”
--Justified. Apparently crappy fathers are required for employment with the US Marshals. That, or shitty fathers are even more common than I thought.

“If you don’t use them then all our money just goes to charity!”
--Noooooooo! Phil on Modern Family regarding some gift certificates they purchased for some sort of charity. Whatever that charity may be, it ain’t gettin’ my money for nothin’!

Week-In-Review 2.4

I keep thinking these posts will get shorter, but alas, I just can't help myself. In other news, where did February go? With sweeps drawing to a close, we're in for a drought in March, so maybe these will finally shrink. Seriously, The Vampire Diaries and Nikita won't be back till April 7th. Not cool, CW. Not cool.

Most Convenient Accessory: Beckett’s Geiger Counter on Castle
I didn’t realize those were standard issue… Seriously, I spent the entire rest of the episode hoping someone would mention why the hell of a New York homicide detective would be wearing a radiation meter, but everyone just acted like that was a totally normal item for her to be wearing. Really? A Geiger Counter? Maybe there’s an app for that…

Shortest Cliffhanger: Castle
Oh my god! Castle and Beckett are trapped in a freezer with a dead guy who froze to death and THEY MIGHT BE NEXT! Dun, dun, DUN! Wait… Yeah, no, false alarm. The preview of next week (which appeared mere moments after the thrilling musical queue signaling their apparent demise) lets us know they’ll be right as rain in no time at all. I, uh… can’t wait till next week? The edge of my seat went from occupied to vacant in under a minute. Thanks a lot, promotional department. Well played?

Bittersweetest Reference: Serenity on Castle
Don’t get me wrong, show, the references to Nathan Fillion’s past as our favorite space cowboy make me grin and clap and squeal, but all the merriment is quickly followed by the sobering realization that it’s all over. It makes it hard to move on.

Character that May as Well Leave the Show Now: Zoey on HIMYM
Well, she isn’t the mother, so in terms of Ted’s current relationship—all together now—who the hell cares!? Don’t get me wrong, I’m more than a little happy to hear that Zoey won’t be sticking around for the long-run, but it makes me seriously apathetic towards the short run. After this long, it’s time to find the mother already. Although I’m a fair bit intrigued to see how things end for Ted and Zoey… apparently it’s pretty bad. Here’s hoping it’s pretty quick as well.

Question: What is the Dirtiest Kids’ Movie Title Ever?: Jeopardy Answer: "What is Pussy Furry?"
Ha! I’m officially 13 years old, thanks. The best part? I don’t think nerdy, sheltered Raya truly realized just how funny/dirty/inappropriate her response was. I greatly appreciated that one of her competitors couldn’t stifle a laugh though. I sure couldn’t.

Randomest PSA: Glee
Where the hell did that come from? In yet another in the recent long line of sub-par episodes (this one courtesy of repeat offender Ian Brennan), Glee’s PSA against drinking seemingly came out of left field. I can understand afterschool-special-type moments about bullying because it relates directly to the story, and I can forgive the random tribute to certain musical artists, what with this being a musical and all, but a PSA against alcohol coupled with (essentially) a tribute to Ke$ha? Yeah, NO. Does Brad Falchuk even write for the show anymore? We’ve had nothing but Murphy and Brennan for entirely too long.

Most Unexpectedly Steamy Lip-Lock: Blaine and Rachel on Glee
Amid the unwelcomed lesson about the dangers of drinking, blah, blah, blah, the episode did have quite a lot of fun with Rachel’s party. For as disappointing as the rest of the episode was, I couldn’t stop myself from smiling ear-to-ear for the Rachel Berry House Party Train Wreck Extravaganza. And, in an improbable turn of events (er, spin of events, I should say), Blaine and Rachel had a surprising amount of sexual chemistry together with a rather convincing kiss. Way to throw a bone to us straight gals out there (especially those of us who have a penchant for crushing on possibly gay guys), even if for only a little while. I loved how drunk Rachel seems to think that Blaine’s full name is Blaine Warbler. Heh.

Best Song: Don’t You Want Me, Baby from Glee
Why yes, Blaine, I do! I think it had more to do with drunken chemistry than the song itself, but I totally loved this. You could tell they were both having an absolute blast doing this number (the characters and actors). I get the feeling Lea Michele and Darren Criss have been wanting to do a duet since Blaine joined the show. As far as performances on the show are concerned, Rachel and Blaine are the two who ham it up the most, so it was quite a lot of fun to see those two tornados of enthusiasm in the same number.

Best Costume Design: Speaking of Rachel and Blaine…
Ha! I don’t know who picked out that green 1970s bridesmaid’s dress for Rachel to wear, but I think we can all agree that it is exactly the dress she would have chosen for her would-be swanky adult soiree. It was also nice to see Blaine in some casual clothes for once. “Preppy hipster” suits him well.

Most Welcomed Return: Being Human (UK edition)
It’s been too long! Last season got a little soapy and a bit uneven in the middle, but ended in spectacular fashion. The new season started up on Saturday and reminded me of why I fell so hard for this show in the first place. It also put the US version into shocking clarity. The Syfy interpretation is pretty good, but the UK version is bloody brilliant in every conceivable regard. Having the UK edition back is kind of making me like the US version less and less. It just can’t hold a candle to its predecessor. I’ve heard that the US version really starts to blaze its own path around episode 6, so that should help. As is, it’s starting to feel like I’m watching the same show as before, only not as good, which is a bit of a downer. Anyway, I’m totally stoked that the Brits are back. They have an emotional range and depth of storytelling that is unmatched by the US edition and it’s nice to have that kind of gravity back. I’m thoroughly glad that Mitchell saved Annie from purgatory sooner than later. My primary concern after last season was that we’d spend the better part of this season trying to get her back. Thankfully, our darling Mitchell is more than willing to face an eternity of hell to save her. Aw.

Longest Foreshadow: Annie and Mitchell on Being Human (UK)
It was clear back at the beginning of season 1 that their potential romantic chemistry was established and an accidental kiss was had, but we’ve had very little payoff since then. It’s been satisfying to see their relationship deepen over time, but I’m glad to see that the show is finally exploring that side of their hopes at “being human.” They’ve both been through a lot and it’ll be nice to see them interact in a new way. Of course, it’ll probably end horribly, but that’s all part of the ride. “But I’m dead,” Annie laments. “So is he…”

Worst Mother: Anyone Ever Featured on Toddlers & Tiaras
It would be impossible to narrow down the “worst mother” title to just one offender, but I think I was most unnerved when the following thought sprang to mind, “I’m sorry, did you really just give your 15 month old baby a spray tan?” Wow. Just, wow.

Best Guest Star: Gary Cole on The Good Wife
The Good Wife always has stellar guest stars, but Gary Cole as ballistics expert Kurt McVeigh was my favorite this week. His and Diane’s relationship is practically unfathomable from a political perspective, but their chemistry is undeniable (his love of Sarah Palin notwithstanding). I still can't look at him without hearing, "Yeah, hi," in my head though...

Biggest Pet Peeve: Detectives Who Don’t Put Their Gloves On
This happens all the time and I notice it all the time and it never gets less annoying. Instead of actually putting their gloves on, they just use them as a hanky to pick up evidence or open drawers and windows of a crime scene. A) You’re look ridiculous, B) Exactly how long does it take to put gloves on? and C) Most of the time, you’re still contaminating the evidence, punkin. I assume there’s a production reason for it, but seriously, just start the scene with the gloves on. They’re investigating a murder here, people. They’d have gloves on before the entered the damn house.

Best Backstory That Really Should Have Been Introduced 3 Seasons Ago: Emily Prentiss on Criminal Minds
Good lord, you couldn’t have fleshed-out her character with an espionage-y past with Interpol back when she first started on the show?! I’ve always liked her well enough, but she’s generally been a bit bland. Now that you’ve decided to write her off the show you give her a backstory that makes me invest? That’s just mean.

Character I’m Gladdest Didn’t Get Killed Off Last Season: Dewey Crowe on Justified
This season of Justified is proving to be even better than the first, and that’s thanks in no small measure to the deep-fried absurdity that is Dewey Crowe. He makes for hilarious comic relief, but also contributes to the overall narrative in a meaningful and believable way. Not an easy feat.

Most Improbably Successful Impersonation: Dewey Crowe as Raylan Givens on Justified
Ha! Hats off to Dewey (well, I guess it would be hats on, really) for being ballsy enough to dress up as Raylan Givens in order to swindle some baddies out of their stolen prescription pills. I loved when the real Raylan went over to the witness and was like, “Am I the man you saw?” To which she hilariously replied, “Lord, no.” I don’t know if you’ve met Dewey and Raylan, but the two could never be confused. I’m pretty sure I’d remember if Timothy Olyphant showed up at my house, thanks.

Most Ridiculous Runway: America’s Next Top Model
Now, this show is in cycle 817 at last count, so they’ve had a lot of crazy-ass runways in their day, but putting the girls in plastic bubbles and having them walk down a foot-wide platform in a pool? Wow. In all honesty, I don’t think anything can compete with the runway where they had to dodge the giant pendulums, but watching the girls fall in their bubbles and then slip and slosh on the surface of the water was pretty damn entertaining.

Catchiest Song: You Gotta Have Jeff from Community
You thought the winner of this category would be from Glee, didn’t you? Yeah, well, that was before I saw Jeff’s 1997 audition tape for The Real World Seattle. Man alive, I’ve seen blackmail videos before, but this one tops them all.

Worst Crime Against Chef Law: Mike on Top Chef
Good god, could he get kicked off the show already? It's bad enough to flat out steal a dish from a fellow competitor, but then to pretend that it was Richard's own stupid fault for not using the dish himself? That's the hallmark of a total bastard. Not that that's a surprise, what with Mike being a total dick from day one, but to blatantly admit that he couldn't come up with his own idea is just pathetic. I swear to god, if he wins this season, I'll have to be done with the show. Blaise or Carla for the win!

Biggest Headscratcher: The Vampire Diaries--I’m sorry, exactly how are Stefan and Damon getting Elena and Katherine mixed up?
I realize that they look exactly the same and all, but Elena’s alive and Katherine’s a vampire. Surely Stefan and Damon, also vampires, should be able to almost instantly tell the difference (what with their supernatural senses of smell and hearing). Vampires are dead and don’t have a heartbeat (at least I don’t think they do on this show), and I’m not sure just how doppelganger-y Elena and Katherine are supposed to be, but they’re identical right down to scent? Don’t get me wrong, it makes for good TV, but every time she pulls a fast one on them, I’m a little annoyed. Humans not seeing the difference? Fine. Other vampires? Not so fine. Convenient, more like.

Best Reason (or 50) to Stop Going to School: You live in Mystic Falls
It always cracks me up when the characters on The Vampire Diaries pretend that they actually care about school. They’re currently dealing with the world’s most convoluted story-arc and we’re to believe they have an algebra test this afternoon? Ha! I’m sorry, you have an immortal dead-guy in the basement, you just barely got rid of the werewolves, there are witches trying to kill you, even older, even more immortal dead guys trying to kill you, a doppelganger who just escaped and is probably trying to kill you, there’s a moonstone that no one can remember why it matters (seriously, I lost track of that shiny bar of soap 5 episodes ago), and you’re worried about being late for school? Oh, honey. You really need to sort out your priorities. I guess the one saving grace is that no actual learning is done at school. It’s really just a meeting place where random supernatural elements make plans.

Best Cliffhanger: Nikita
The Vampire Diaries' cliffhanger was good, Nikita’s was better. Holy hell, what a game-changer! I can’t wait! "Ask me how I got here." Ahhhh!

**Quotes of the Week**

“You know what they say, Charlie [Sheen], people in glass houses… have a lot of cool things to snort coke off of.”
--Joel McHale on The Soup, regarding Charlie Sheen’s advice to Lindsay Lohan on how to clean up her life. Hello, Pot? This is Kettle. You’re black.

Realtor: “Do what you want, as long as the rent’s covered. We’ve been trying to shift this place for months. I reckon it’s haunted.” [pause]
[simultaneously]
Nina: “No, it’s fine.”
George: “Nope, there’s nothing here.”
--Being Human (UK). Oh, how I’ve missed this show. It’s got a humor that’s so much subtler and more authentic than the US version.

Steve: “You feel like the world will stop spinning on its axis if you take a night off. You know how when a plane starts going down they tell you to put your mask on before helping anyone else? Put your mask on, Fiona!”
Fiona: [pause] “Yeah, well I’ve never been on a plane!”
--Steve, telling Fiona what the audience has known all along on Shameless. She’s over-extended and burning out. I mainly included this quote because it made me wonder: Would people who’ve never flown know about the whole, put your own mask on before helping other people thing? As a person who’s flown a fair bit, the reference was obvious, so it seemed unfathomable that anyone would be unfamiliar with it. Not that I think Fiona was oblivious, but I could see where someone might be. Weird.

“Alcohol, William. The wet devil. Our children are so brazen they’re showing up to school wasted. And not wasted on learning, Will. Wasted on booze.”
--Principal Figgins on Glee. Let me tell ya, I’ve been wasted on learning more than a few times, and the theme for this week’s cautionary tale could have used some revision.

“Who cares about you, buddy? I might get a new boyfriend out of this who can keep up with me vocally and in the future, give me vaguely Eurasian-looking children.”
--Rachel, regarding her and Blaine’s genetic capabilities on Glee. They really are pretty ethnically ambiguous, now that they mention it. IMDb/Wikipedia to the rescue! Lea’s mother is an Italian American Roman Catholic, while her father is a Spanish Sephardic Jew. Darren’s mother is from the Philippines and his father has Irish ancestry. Hmh.

Dianna: “A contemporary of Neal’s? This I gotta see.”
Peter: “No, he’s not what you’d expect. He’s a little more Ratso Rizzo than Cary Grant.”
Neal: “I’m Cary Grant?”
Peter: “Only by comparison to Ratso Rizzo.”
--White Collar. And yes, Neal, you’re Cary Grant, with or without a Ratso Rizzo comparison.

“I have a boyfriend. Or, I had a boyfriend… He joined a circus.”
--America Ferrera as Natalie Morales on The Good Wife. Her deflated delivery of the line was hilarious.

“Happy Valen-birth-iversary!”
--Phil on Modern Family, using the new catch-all for screw-ups.

“You’re a thrill a minute, Raylan. We need to sell tickets.”
--And I need to by them. (Art, regarding Raylan’s rekindled romance with Winona on Justified.)

“Did Kurt used to sing on #Glee, or did we imagine it? Bigger question: With Blaine around, do we care?”
--TWoP via Twitter, asking a very good question. I miss Kurt, but with Blaine around, I don’t notice his absence so often.

Mike: “In gumbo, there’s potatoes, right? Traditionally?”
Tiffani: “No.”
Mike: “No?”
Tiffani: “Never.”
--Top Chef, once again showcasing Mike’s total lack of knowledge about cooking. Tool.

Katherine: “You were mean. And very rough. And monstrous.”
Damon: “You deserved it.”
Katherine: “I like this Damon.”
Damon: “Katherine, there are six other bedrooms in this house. Go find one.”
--I love that Katherine has finally returned to The Vampire Diaries, but I love more that Damon can finally resist her (even if it’s pretty clear that he’s unbelievably tempted). Maybe his new resolve has to do with this:

“I wanted out of the tomb. Didn’t matter who paid the price. Of course I knew that you’d die.”
--Seriously, Katherine, that’s cold. And completely illogical. If you’re going to get one of the Salvatores killed, why not make it Stefan? I think most of us can agree that he’s the better choice.

“Garrett. That guy’s just a mess. It’s like God spilled a person.”
--Troy on Community, regarding one the front-runners for student government.

“Boy, no matter what you do, all roads seem to lead back to Nikki, don’t they.”
--Birkoff on Nikita, finally realizing the basis for the show that he’s in.

Week-In-Review 2.3

I didn't have the time this week to review the new shows in depth and in their own posts, so I've simply included some little nuggets below. The third week of the month is always super-busy for me and I simply couldn't bring myself to trying any harder than this. There really wasn't anything concrete to latch onto with Mr. Sunshine, Mad Love, or Crinimal Minds: Suspect Behavior anyways. On with the show!

Lowest Blow: Shameless
This is a show with a lot of low blows, several in the last episode alone, so the bar is set pretty high, er, low... This episode featured Carl (easily the most expendable kid in the family) hitting a high school jock in the knee after he’d already surrendered (he had already had his SAT scores invalidated, so taking out his knee basically ruined his only chance), so on any other day, that would have been the lowest blow, but not this time. After more than two decades of neglecting his children, never engaging in any parental duties or attending the school’s Parents’ Night even once for any of his kids (even when the stakes are high enough that one of them is going to be expelled), it’s revealed that he attended Parents’ Night as Karen’s “Daddy Frank.” The real heartbreaker was watching the younger kids who didn’t immediately understand the implications of Frank showing up to Parents’ Night for someone else’s kid. Man alive, listening to the little kids say that they wanted to go say “Hi” to daddy while Fiona and Lip are devastated was pretty gut-wrenching. Never once did he show up for them, but he shows up for a neighbor. Ouch.

Fewest Awards Given at an Awards Show: The Grammys
I have honestly never watched the Grammys before (music isn’t really my thing), but I figured I’d give it a chance on a slow night (plus, my brother and sister-in-law were in attendance, so I cared more). I should have just watched the TLC docu-soap The Queen instead. Not only was it boring as all get out, but I was under the apparently incorrect assumption that awards would be given out. Seriously, 3 ½ hours, and I think there were maybe 5 awards? Is that the norm? Don’t get me wrong, no one wants to hear acceptance speeches, but it seemed really odd to me. And didn’t half those songs come out like 3 years ago? Seriously, none of what was nominated seemed at all recent. It was like there were nothing but Temple Grandins… I fast-forwarded through probably 95% of the show and I don’t think I missed anything… except maybe a bunch of crap I probably wanted to miss… Speaking of which, I have never even heard of Esperanza whatever-her-name-was, but seeing anyone else on the planet win Best New Artist besides Justin Bieber kind of makes her my hero. I'm feeling a sudden urge to purchase whatever kind of music it is that she makes...

Most Logical Course of Events: Scheduling the thousand-year-old Rolling Stones performance right after the “In Memoriam” montage on the Grammys
That was after the “In Memoriam,” right?

Most Unwittingly Prohibitive Element of a New Show: The main characters on new CBS comedy Mad Love are named Ben and Kate.
I just… I can’t. I realize there’s no way that the writers of the show could know that I already get to watch the relationship woes of my own real-life Ben and Kate (hi guys!), but I just don’t think I can watch the fiction version as well. Too weird. On a semi-related note, is there some new requirement where shows simply must have a Kate? It’s a fine name, to be sure, but I think there’s at least one on 80% of the shows I watch. Anyway, I don’t think cutting Mad Love from my list is too much of a loss. It was by no means the worst pilot I’ve seen, but it didn’t really grab me either. Mad Love is basically How I Met Your Mother minus Marshall, and I already watch HIMYM, so I think that quota has officially been filled. Seriously, it was shockingly similar. Which, dear writers, if you had any chance of avoiding constant comparisons to HIMYM, maybe you shouldn’t have cast Sarah Chalke in the lead (you know, what with her being the probable mother for like 2 entire seasons).

Nastiest Piece of Work: Alderman Gibbons on The Chicago Code
This guy is cold and twisted and manipulative as hell… and I’m lovin’ it.

Best Backstory: Little Ricky Castle
Erring on the lighter, more comedic side of the crime procedural genre, we don’t often get a ton of backstory for the characters on Castle, and when we do, it’s almost always for Beckett. As such, it was incredibly nice to get some depth on Castle himself this week. He’s the lovable goofball most of the time, but Beckett wouldn’t have kept him around this long for amusement alone, and now we get to see where some of his range comes from. It also served as a motivation for his unyielding dedication to his friend, even going so far as to fight with Beckett. This isn’t just some random friend; this guy made Castle the man his is today (and saved him from being a lawyer). Sooo… in spite of all the murder and whatnot, I say god bless him. (That was a nice twist at the end with the reveal that he actually had killed his father after all. Didn’t see that coming.)

Most Disappointing Man vs. Machine Competition: Jeopardy!
When I first heard that Ken Jennings and Brad what’s-his-name would be competing against an IBM computer, I was intrigued to see if the computer could really ascertain the meaning of the questions and respond. Well, turns out it can most of the time, which is impressive, but the actual competition was frustrating as hell. It’s not so much a matter of who’s smarter, or can a computer answer these kinds of questions better than a human, it’s basically proving that computers can ring in faster than humans. Well, no shit! Of course it can. Geez, the looks on the two guys’ faces expressed my annoyance as a viewer.

Person Most in Need of a Brad Falchuk Episode of Glee: Yeah, that would be me.
Really? An Ian Brennan episode, then two Ryan Murphy episodes? I thought this week would be a Brad Falchuk! I was utterly crestfallen when I saw the writing credit a few minutes in. Don’t get me wrong, Murphy’s episodes are better than Brennan’s, but at this point, I need more. I was going to label this under “biggest Glee disappointment of the week,” but that contest just got entirely too crowded. If I don’t get a stellar episode soon, I might just be done with the show.

Only Truly Redeeming Element of This Week’s Episode of Glee: Rent
Good lord, that was a truly unfortunate array of songs this week. I fully admit that I fast-forwarded through most of them. Oh how I wish they would stick to show tunes. The Rachel/Mercedes Rent duet to Take Me or Leave Me was awesome. Even better? Rachel’s mother, aka Idina Menzel, sang Rachel’s part in the original broadway cast. Double awesome. It almost makes up for the horrendousness of the Bieber crap and I Know What Boys Like (a song which I didn’t think could possibly get worse than the original version). I actually enjoy Sing by My Chemical Romance quite a bit, but it just didn’t feel right here (especially with Finn in the lead—could he please get kicked off the show? Or go mute?). I’m pretty surprised My Chemical Romance even let Glee have the rights to it. Street cred? What street cred? Also, did I fast-forward through the part that explained why they were dressed like lumberjacks? I must have…

Sexiest EV-RY-THING: Kalinda on The Good Wife
It kills me that more people aren’t watching The Good Wife. This show just keeps getting better and better. At the very center of the awesomeness? Kalinda Sharma (if that is her real name, and I think we all know that it isn’t). Okay, I thought that scene between her and the FBI woman was hot, but then she and Blake strip searched each other (among other things) and I saw just how tame the previous scene had been. I have always loved the dynamic between Blake and Kalinda and this week it came to a… climax? Sure, why not. There’s a sense to danger and total manipulation in every scene they’re in and here it ended up with a baseball bat to Blake’s ribs. Kalinda may have reduced Blake to a gasping heap on the floor, but his revelation that he had “phoned” her husband was even more of a blow, methinks. Husband?! Holy shit! If that weren’t enough on the sexy Kalinda scale, her relationship with Cary just gets more and more fabulous. They hardly had any time together this week, but their mutual respect, sexual chemistry, and affection were utterly apparent. The look on Cary’s face when he called “Miss Sharma” into his office so that his investigator friend could question her was classic. I also appreciated that at various points during the episode, someone called Kalinda his girlfriend and Blake called Cary her boyfriend. Actually, I think that was Blake for both… Final Kalinda revelation of the evening? She’s officially bisexual. It’s what I had always assumed, but never had confirmation.

Thing I Never Would Have Notice If People Hadn’t Pointed it Out: “Phoned” on The Good Wife
I’ve seen every episode of this show and had never noticed that they say “phoned” instead of “called” until someone mentioned it online. Now I can’t not notice it. Thanks a million, random online person. Apparently the regional colloquialisms of the showrunners’ hometown tend toward using “phoned” rather than the more common verbs. Whatever the reason, it sticks out like a sore thumb now, and… it just occurred to me that I have just done to everyone who reads this blog what was done to me... Sorry about that. Now we can all notice it together. Drinking game, anyone?

Best Reason to Lie: Will on The Good Wife
Sorry, last Good Wife award, I promise. I know people were bummed that Alicia finally asked him about the phone call and he lied about it, but really, people, what would you have done? What message did I leave ages ago? Well, I poured my heart out, declared my love, then thought you had rejected me fully, so I forced myself to get a new girlfriend that no one likes… but, now that you ask, wanna make out? Yeah, no. He had to lie, people. I certainly would have.

Most Underwhelming Return of a “Friend”: Mr. Sunshine
I like Matthew Perry well enough, but his new show ain’t so sunny… It’s a shame really, because it has a stellar cast. It just doesn’t seem to have any plot or actual humor—which is kind of a problem for a comedy. The whole thing was basically one lame set-up after another for Perry to snarkily comment on. Um, yay?

Sharpest Shooter: Tim Gutterson on Justified
His character was a sniper with the military (I believe he was with the Rangers), and it's clear to see. This show does an amazing job of infusing the deliberate pace with some truly shocking events. It's amazing how good Raylan is at manipulating bad guys... even convincing them to peek out from behind their cover to see Tim... who summarily shoots him between the eyes. Wowzers/yikes.

Best Reason to Read the Effing Directions: The Vampire Diaries
Seriously people? You’re trying to kill the unkillable, you have a manual telling you how to do so, and it didn’t occur to you to read the instructions in full before proceeding?! Oh, for hell’s sake. Don’t get me wrong, it made for an especially exciting and twisty episode, what with having to kill Elijah several times, but honestly, Elena, try finishing the page next time.

Most Welcomed Return: Katherine on The Vampire Diaries
I kinda sorta adore Katherine and it’s about damn time she made it out of the tomb. Elena is as bland as it gets, so it’ll be nice for Nina Dobrev to have something to do other than pout.

Most Sub-Par Spin-Off: Criminal Minds: Suspect Behavior
I had never realized just what a tenuous success the original version was. Apparently, if you take the exact same show, but swap out most of the characters, you’re left with an ersatz cheesefest that was surprisingly boring. The original version works well because of the character dynamics, the direction, the injections of levity, the overall style, and the professionalism. Remove all those elements and you get the spin-off before you. The characters were mostly boring and formulaic. Forrest Whitaker heads this “Red Cell” branch of the BAU and brings very little to the role. I didn’t find him interesting, commanding, or capable of leading anyone. He also sounded like he was suffering from congestive heart failure for the better part of the episode, which made it even harder to believe him as the dynamic leader of the group. Mandy Patinkin brought so so much to the table with the early seasons of Criminal Minds, and here, Whitaker just bored me to tears. What’s worse, his supporting players were just as unengaging. I’ve always been a fan of Jeanine Garafalo, and she was certainly one of the better aspects here, but she still fell a bit flat for me. On top of it all, this show had an eye-rolling about of grandstanding and soapboxing about trust and justice and blah, blah, blah. One the most compelling aspects of the original is that they let the events speak for themselves. I don’t need someone to tell me that these unsubs are horrendous monsters, but Suspect Behavior sure seems to think we do. Maybe it’s simply that I’ve seen too many episodes of the original to take a spin-off seriously. They have the exact same job. It’s hardly even a spin-off. The only ways in which they reinvented the wheel here was to make things worse. This is area that has been covered so many times on the original that there’s hardly room to grow. The original crew has solved just about every conceivable case at this point, and it getting tired in its own right. A spin-off was unnecessary and nigh impossible to do right. Case in point, the case-of-the-week for the Suspect Behavior pilot was beyond lame. The original could get away with something like this because they’ve already covered so much ground, but with these new people, I was rolling my eyes. Also, having seen so many of these, there are very few surprises these days. Little blonde girl goes missing… my first thought? The unsub is a white male in his thirties with a large vehicle. After more info is revealed about his pattern? Well, he must be using these girls as a surrogate for someone he lost. This is not my first rodeo. It’s no viewer’s first rodeo. After this long, it’s the characters that keep a show going, and Suspect Behavior didn’t have anyone I liked (or at least they weren’t showcased in a way that made me want to care about them). I’d recommend sticking with the original. Suspect Behavior wasn’t the worst pilot I’ve ever seen or anything, but it’s inferior to the original in basically every way. Also, it has 100% less Dr. Reid, so really, what’s the point?

Best Reconciliation: Michael and Nikita
Man alive, I was wondering when he’d finally forgive her for that Uzbekistan episode, and now we seem to be there. Watching them work together is one of the best parts of the show, so having him hate her with a passion threw a bit of a wrench into the works (or a claymore, as it were).

**Quotes of the Week**

“You can’t beat karate when it comes to regulated, sanctioned violence for children.”
--Debbie, who seems to be the bearer of most of the great one-liners on Shameless. Now if we could only get rid of Carl, the cause of this particular one-liner, the show would be all the better for it. Get rid of Frank, too. You know, while you’re at it.

“She says she wants a gift that says, ‘I love you,” but nothing that says, 'I love your more than life itself, please don’t leave me or I may die.’”
--Castle, summing up Alexis’ gift-giving conundrum. It’s a delicate balance each Valentine’s shopper aims for, but few succeed. You see, that’s why you simply have no life. No one to shop for = No chance of a social faux pas.

Will: “Who can tell us what an anthem is?”
Brittany: “The bottom of an ant’s pants.”
Will: “So close.”
--Glee, placing the comedic weight squarely on Brittany’s shoulders more and more often.

“Who is Bram Stoker. (I, for one, welcome our new computer overlords.)”
--Ken Jennings, summing up what the audience at home was thinking throughout the entire IBM Jeopardy challenge with a Simpsons reference in his final answer. Nice.

Mitchell: “Well, also, it’s a princess theme party, so I guess you just don’t respect party themes.”
Cam: “You did not just say that!”
Mitchell: “I’m sorry, that was crossing the line.”
Cam: “Yes, it was.”
--Modern Family

“That’d be a neat trick, escaping the past.”
--Helen on Justified, who clearly watches the show she’s in.

“Me and Abed have an agreement. If one of us dies, we stage it to look like a suicide caused by the unjust cancellation of Firefly. We’re gonna get that show back on the air, buddy!”
--Troy on Community, with probably the best death plan ever conceived by anyone in the history of the world. I think all Whedonverse fans were like, “Why didn’t I think of that!?” I’m glad we’re all on the same page now.

“Yes. Yes. I would examine very closely Fox’s reasoning — I’m a little gun-shy. If I got $300 million from the California Lottery, the first thing I would do is buy the rights to Firefly, make it own my own, and distribute it on the Internet.”
--Nathan Fillion, responding to the question: If Castle had its series finale tomorrow and Fox said to you and Joss: “We screwed up, let’s try doing Firefly again.” Would you do it? Good answer, Mal. Actually, incredibly cruel answer, Mal. Way to get our hopes up with the best plan ever. Maybe Troy and Abed can help…

“Yes, I'm guilty, lawyer man. You found it. Malice. This whole movie was my attempt at getting back at the Internet. Take that, Internet.”
--A fictional screenwriter on The Good Wife, defending his Social Network-esque script.

“I for one hope GLEE's meticulously crafted storylines won't suffer as a result of FX picking up a new drama from Ryan Murphy #sarcasm”
-- theTVaddict, via twitter, expressing my thought exactly regarding Ryan Murphy’s new project. Usually when a showrunner takes on a new show, the old one suffers, but with Glee? I’m not sure that’s even possible from a narrative standpoint… I’m much more afraid of The Vampire Diaries’ showrunners picking up a new series…

“Set phasers to LOVE ME!”
--Troy on Community, once again, expressing his desperation to gain LeVar Burton’s approval with the funniest line I’ve heard in ages. I’m giggling just thinking about it.

“You want it? Take it. It’s yours. And after what you did to Damon, you’re gonna need it more than me.”
--Alaric on The Vampire Diaries, requeathing his ring-of-no-dying back to John, with one tinsy weensy caveat.

“Nerds like rejection. See, their thinking is, if she’s interested in you, there must be something wrong with her.”
--Birkoff, on Nikita. Well, that explains a lot about my high school dating record...

Final Week-In-Review for January

It's that magical, magical time again. Friday. Here are my ever-growing thoughts on all the crazy that went down this week.

Best Advertisement: the Parents Television Council’s condemnation of… well, anything
As you know, I was thoroughly underwhelmed by the water-down, tamed and lamed US version of the British classic, Skins. But, as with so many shows before it, even the cut and censored version annoys the ridiculous, puritanical Parents Television Council… which makes me want to give the show another chance. Anything that gets their dander up gets a few extra points in my book. Heh, I’d have loved to have seen their take on the real version. They’re just so spectacularly stupid to think that their condemnation with cause fewer people (especially kids) to watch the show. Nothing made me quite so happy as when Gossip Girl used quotes from the PTC as their ad campaign, because really, that’s exactly what the PTC is doing. They’re basically telling kids exactly what they should be watching. Well, I’m no kid, but I’m suddenly much more likely to watch the US version of Skins… even if it could never hold a candle (crack pipe?) to the original.

Best Kiss: Castle
How could I not put this on the list, I mean really. Sometimes characters have great theoretical sexual chemistry, but then it’s all awkward and uncomfortable in reality. Not the case here. The steamy Castle/Beckett lip-lock wasn’t awkward at all. They’ve always had a really flirty, friendly kind of vibe going, so it just makes good sense that the sexual chemistry works as well as it does. Best part of all? Castle’s flustered reaction afterward. Hehe. Oh, Nathan Fillion. Always good for a laugh.

Best Remake: the US version of Being Human
I’ve actually had this one saved on my DVR for over a week. After the spectacular failure that was the US remake of Skins, I was understandably apprehensive about yet another seemingly unnecessary remake. Well, much to my delight and surprise, Being Human is actually good. Really good, I dare say. The major difference is that unlike Skins, the US Being Human didn’t simply take the exact same characters with the exact same names and film a pilot that was almost scene for scene the exact same show. I spent the Skins pilot feeling like I was listening to a bad cover-band. Being Human took the same base concept and characters, but made it their own in a lot of little ways. The US version starts several months prior to the UK version, so it was able to establish these characters in a slightly different way. By using this tactic, it felt like I got to see something new, but also got to see a bit of an origin story for characters that I kind of know. I say “kind of” because the US versions of Mitchell, George, and Annie are similar in substance, but quite different in tone. The US Mitchell (renamed Aidan) is more cool and casual than his enthusiastic UK cousin. The new George (now Josh) is more sardonic than hysterical, and the new Annie (Sally) is more down to earth than flighty. It gave the show a slightly different vibe and made it seem fresh and new, even though at its core, it’s essentially a show I’m already familiar with. They have tweaked all the original characters (the new Herrick (some of the shoes that would be hardest to fill) is awesomely played by Dexter alum Mark Pellegrino, who gives the character a new persona), and new characters have been added. George/Josh has a sister who, at the end of part 1 of the pilot, is in an incredibly precarious situation. To the show’s credit, after only half a pilot, I’m kind of dying to see what happens. They established these characters in a way that didn’t seem like a bastardized rehash, but rather as an inspired reimagining. I was surprised at how much I loved part 1 and I can’t wait for part 2. I was so sure I would hate this, but at the end of the day, it felt like a different kind of experience than the UK version. The original is clearly superior in many many ways, but I’m surprisingly excited to see how the US team makes it their own. I’m as shocked as you are, but this one seems to be a winner whether you’re a fan of the British series or not.

Best Vindication (the blast from the past edition): Sex and the City
Okay, so this comes about a decade late, but as you all know, I’m catching up on shows that I missed back in the day. I’ve really been enjoying Sex and the City (a hell of a lot more than I ever would have thought). Anyway, I just watched the episode where Carrie runs into Big’s new wife and she’s determined to look fabulous at a luncheon they’ll both be attending (you know, so she can save face and one-up the woman who won Big’s heart). Well, after Natasha (Mrs. Big) can’t make it to the luncheon to see Carrie looking divine, Carrie feels like she lost… until she gets a card from Natasha thanking her for attending the luncheon and lamenting the fact that she was sick. Nothing says vindication quite like poor English skills… “‘I wish I could have been their.’ T-H-E-I-R.” This of course means she has to immediately call Miranda with the good news about Natasha. “It’s a good thing she got married, because she’s an idiot!” Ha! Seriously, it’s like when you see a facebook status or a blog post from someone you hate and you notice that the grammar is horrendous. It just makes you feel good inside. Like pie. (Please keep in mind that I never proofread, so I’m sure I’ve had more than a few foibles in my day. It’s only when it’s someone I want to destroy that it’s truly satisfying…)

Charmiest (?) Third Time: Shameless
After a so-so pilot and a thoroughly disappointing episode 2, Shameless appears to have finally found some footing with episode 3. Engaging, funny, emotionally resonant, and interesting, the show’s third outing proved to be their best yet. I think the more the show focuses on the kids and the less screentime it gives to William H. Macy, the better the show. Fiona’s the real backbone of the family, but I think Lip and Ian are quickly becoming my favorite family members—especially as a pair. This show has been incredibly uneven thus far, but I’m hopeful the writers recognize what they have with these two and starts gearing the show in their direction. I really loved that Lip was more than willing to take a beating for his brother and thought nothing of it. The dynamic between the two of them is the best part of the show, and Ian is quickly turning into the best character.

Most Recent Discouragement from Getting Married: Perfect Couples
I’d say “biggest discouragement,” but that’s a really, really high bar, so we’ll stick with “most recent.” Perfect Couples was perfectly irritating. I made it to the end of the pilot, but just barely. I’ve said before that married couples are apparently boring (at least that’s what TV would have me believe)… Well, I’ll see my “boring” and raise me a “completely grating.” Painfully unfunny, too. Yeah, not adding this sucker to my rotation.

Best Immunity Prize: White Collar
Sure, winning immunity on a cooking show is fun and all, but at the end of the day, who the hell really cares? I much prefer White Collar’s brand of immunity because it comes with an origin story, not just a pass. All I can say is, it’s about time they gave us some background. I can see where they might have wanted to hold off till this late in the series (although I’m hearing that was a network decision, not a creative one), but with a set up like White Collar’s, I think it should have come a long time ago. Up till now, the audience basically knew nothing about Kate and spent every single episode of the show being slightly annoyed that Neal is so obsessed with this random face who has had no character development whatsoever. I defy you to find a fan of this show who was truly upset by her getting blown up last season. This show needed to establish her character in a way that had the audience truly invested in her and in her relationship with Neal. Last night’s flurry of flashbacks helped fill in a lot of blanks, but in terms of Kate, I think it might have been too little too late. It was nice to see that she can speak and all, but I still didn’t really buy the character. I think a different actress could maybe have invigorated the role, but the girl they got was just dull (entirely too dull for someone like Neal to really care about). I had always tried to give the show the benefit of the doubt and created a Kate in my head that was enigmatic, charming, and elusive, but now that I see her in the flesh? Meh. Neal can do a hell of a lot better. It makes the fact that he got arrested for her all the more irksome and ridiculous. Really? For her? Blanda Blahington? The rest of the flashback offerings were outstanding, however. It was great to see how Neal met Mozzie (hilariously toupee’d and goatee’d), how he became the man his is today (sort of—I’d still like to see where he originally came from), and how he and Alex got involved. Man alive, I love Alex. Sooo much more than Kate. She actually has an edge and has some genuine chemistry with Neal. The interplay between them is always sexy and fun to watch. Anyway, the writers did a lovely job keeping the continuity consistent with what we already know and nodding at little tidbits of knowledge (like the Raphael) that were seemingly irrelevant until now. Nicely done, show. Very nice.

Best Moniker: Bonds. James Bonds.
Once again, kudos to White Collar. I love that Neal’s FBI name (you know, before he and Peter actually met and became friends) was something so badass. You could see that it was killing Peter to admit that Neal was so impressive as to deserve such a moniker.

Darkest Matter: Breaking Bad
Yeah, so… started watching Breaking Bad on DVD. Damn… that show is dark. Good, but dark. I’m only a couple of episodes in, but it’s seriously reminding me of that episode of The Black Donnelleys where they have to dispose of some dead guy in a barrel. I’m as desensitized as it gets, but that doesn’t make watching guys dispose of a body pleasant to watch… it just makes it bearable.

Least Tempting Show Saved on My DVR: Chuck

Deadliest Custody Battle: Southland
Well, if True Blood is mommy and Southland is daddy, I think we now know who the judge sided with on the Kevin Alejandro custody trial. As is so often the case, mommy is keeping the kid. I realize that Kevin Alejandro is a regular on True Blood, so something had to give with his gig on Southland, but wow. That’s rough. And unfortunate on any number of levels. I actually kind of adored Detective Nate Moretta and seeing him killed like that was brutal. What’s worse, his partner Sammy is still with us. I’ve hated Sammy for a good long while (mostly because of his grating relationship with this wife), so to see Nate bite the bullet while Sammy walks away? Ouch.

Subtlest Simpsons Reference: Criminal Minds
It’s the little things that count. In terms of subject matter, Criminal Minds is about the unfunniest show on the planet, so when you’re watching an episode that slips in a joke, it’s much appreciated. As Garcia is looking into the deaths of convenience store owners in surrounding states, one such unlucky victims information displays on her computer screen with “Name of Victim: Apu, N.” She didn’t actually say the name, so you had to be paying attention, but it’s still nice to have something funny inserted into the "torture porn" that is this show.

Saddest Countdown: The Vampire Diaries
“One… Two…”
Three. I guess that’s more of a count-up, but still. I was never a huge fan of Rose, but last night’s heartbreaking death really hit me. I guess the good news is that after suffering for the better part of the episode, Damon helped her die peacefully… in his arms… as he created a fantasy in her head. Still sad, but I can think of worse ways to go. If that weren’t sad enough, Damon has to go and break my heart again at the end. Poor guy just can't catch a break.

Quotes of the Week:

“One million PTC members can’t be wrong.”
--Matt Webb Mitovich from TVLine.com, regarding the US version of Skins, which he included on his list of shows worth watching this week. All of sudden, I’m inclined to agree.

“Look, I may not have a badge, unless you count the chocolate one Alexis gave me for my birthday, but I’ll tell you this, like it or not, I’m your plucky sidekick.”
--Castle, from, well, Castle.

“Well, if you need me, I’ll be across the street in the bushes, stalking you. [pause] I saw you smile!”
--Steve, trying to win Fiona back after royally screwing up on Shameless.

“Wow, I don’t even need a corkscrew.”
--Neal, regarding Peter’s cheap choice of wine on White Collar.

“Well, that answers my question. Jeff Winger is sexy even in a coffin.”
--Dean Pelton, admiring Joel McHale on Community, the way all good people do.

“Dude, you have no idea how messy things are about to get.”
--Birkoff, assessing the total ass-kickery that’s about to ensue when Nikita and Michael square off against a gaggle of security guards.