How Badass Was My Valley

...as far as this show is concerned, extremely badass. That's pretty much it. The whole conceit. Mark Valley is a badass and isn't afraid to let bad guys know it.

Human Target, Fox's newest high-octane venture centers around Valley's character Christopher Chance (yeah, I know, apparently Derek Danger was taken) as he acts as a pseudo-bodyguard who specializes in getting his clients as close to killed as possible without actually getting them blown up in a train (or a plane--as we'll see next week). Maybe the conceit is Valley badassily protecting people on some sort of fuselage shaped vehicular conveyance... boy, that's deep (in that I suspect week 3 will have a submarine as its A-plot). Valley's character (I just can't bring myself to call him Chance. It's just too lame) apparently aims to lure would-be assailants into the open and thereby exposing who it is that's trying to kill his client. So... you're going to use me as bait, huh? Is that what I'm understanding? Gee. Thanks.

Speaking of deep, if that's what you're looking for, I suggest you look elsewhere. The pilot made some allusions as to why Valley's character would put himself in harm's way day in and day out, nearly getting himself killed at every turn, and while I'd like to believe this who will become a more cerebral psychological profile of fate tempters and risk takers, I'll believe it when I see it. So far? This show is your basic shoot 'em, blow 'em up, derail 'em up action piece that focuses a lot more closely on the fighting and pyrotechnics than on anything else. Which is fine, if that's what the show is going for, but unless it adds some more depth and substance, I'm afraid I'll get bored. The story of the week will involve some client or other who needs protecting and then we'll never see that person ever again. Hence, even though the A-plot might be entertaining in its own right, I have a hard time caring about people or characters who don't matter in the grander scheme of things.

With that in mind, it's pivotal that that the audience care about Valley a whole hell of a lot and almost instantaneously. Valley (most recently seen on Fringe, and who's married to Anna Torv) plays your typical arrogant cad and does very little to reinvent that particular wheel. He's not unlikeable, but I'm just not sure how much appeal he's going to warrant down the road... (I've never been a big Mark Valley fan so the fact that I didn't hate him in this is a good sign, I suppose). Now, it was a decent pilot, but I'm not particularly invested in Valley or anyone else in the scant supporting cast at this point. As near as I can tell, the show only has three series regulars: Valley's James Bond-y, Michael Westen-y, Kevin Costner-y (oh, come on, The Bodyguard? Yeah, you're right, strike that) badass protector guy, Chi McBride (eee! Emerson from Pushing Daisies!) as Winston, the curmudgeonly client-relations organizer guy who tries to keep Valley from getting killed, and Jackie Earle Haley (Rorschach from Watchmen) as, uh, well... he's kind of the tech guy and kind of the underworld contact all at once. His character is named Guerrero and he looks like he's wearing a wig and fake mustache, although I don't see why that would be the case. At any rate, it was distracting and I kept expecting him to pull it all off at the end to reveal-- I have no idea, but something.

I think the show is going to have a hell of a time keeping the storylines fresh and engaging with such a meager cast. The show has been adapted from a comic book, however, and the writers of the comic seemed to make it work. I'm not sure it will fare so well on TV though. It's the same problem countless other programs have run into. Most recently, I'd say Eleventh Hour suffered (all the way to its death) by only having two or three regular characters in the show. I realize that the procedural is all the rage these days and that most shows have an A-plot that won't really even matter next week and with a range of people we'll never see again, but those shows also have at least 5 or 6 series regulars to keep things interesting. I'll give the show a few more weeks to flesh out these three in a way that makes me actually care, but at the moment, I'm just not all that concerned if Valley survives and the supporting cast isn't diverse or engaging enough to compensate. We all know A-plots just don't do it for me alone (generally speaking), so here's hoping my prejudice against Valley can be outweighed by my adoration of Chi McBride (that man plays curmudgeonly like nobody's business).

Speaking of A-plots, the pilot featured a rather ambitious set up on a bullet train with Valley protecting Tricia Helfer's character. It seems a shame that an actress as awesome and accomplished as Helfer would find herself in just the pilot alone, but near as I can tell, that's where we are. The A-plot hinged on Valley being a master of all trades in Michael Westen-y fashion. It would have been nice if the pilot had given us even the slightest inkling how Christopher Chance came to know everything there is to know about everything, but I'm okay with not knowing. If they had launched into ten minutes of plot exposition about his background I'd have been much more annoyed, so I guess this is better. (I think my only concern in this case is that I'm not totally sure the writers have thought of a reason yet and that's irksome... Odds are the comic book writers did, so we'll see how faithful a translation this is...) For this particular assignment, Chance must speak Japanese fluently, be skilled in hand-to-hand combat and advanced weapons training, be hyper-observant, oh, and know how to construct a parachute out of a tarp and a seat belt. Clearly this is one of those concepts that you just kind of have to go with, and I'd be happy to do so if it weren't quite so riddled with fridge logic. There are certain shows where fridge logic doesn't bother me all that much (you know, all that stuff that doesn't really make any sense at all but that at the time seems fine--Leverage, I'm looking in your direction), but with Human Target, I found myself unraveling the fridge logic way too quickly to be fine with it. For example, to badassily save Tricia from being poisoned by an assassin posing as wait staff on the train, he notes that the ice in her drink is cubed, but not in anyone else's. Wow, how life-savingly hyper-observant of you! Thank god we have such James Bondy badass on our team! That's how the initial impression on audiences is supposed to go, but then the fridge logic hits you. So wait, are you telling me the assassin brought his own ice on the train? Why the hell would that be necessary? Were the ice cubes themselves what were poisoned? That's... really stupid, yet somehow more plausible than the assassin bringing his own wet bar onto a bullet train. Wouldn't he just bring a vial or pill or baggie of powder with the poison in it, prepare a drink for her as anyone else on the wait staff would, then add the poison? I suppose the train could have had an ice dispenser that allowed for either crushed or cubed and the show is implying that the assassin didn't notice that the ice was crushed, but he would have had to have specifically changed the setting on the ice dispenser and been oblivious to the three hundred other drinks on board. As I'm envisioning a party on a train, I see buckets of crushed ice at the bar that apparently the assassin completely ignored. Anyway you slice it, this assassin seems to be trying way too hard... Seriously, if you come up with a way in which this plot point wasn't stupid, please let me know. That was far and away one of the most egregious fridge logic offenses, but it was kind of pivotal to the story and managed to taint most of the rest of the pilot for me... The rest of the fridge logic (Why the hell would the assassin have chosen the train debut for the kill? Why wouldn't the assassin have just rescheduled the hit after the drink didn't work? Why didn't they stop the train after the guy who did drink the poison collapsed? Yeah, that's right, after assessing that Tricia's drink was poisoned, he put the drink back down on the table for someone else to take! Way to protect people, dumbass. I guess he only protects them if they pay him...) would take days to recount, but rest assured, it was annoying.

The pilot eventually devolved into Mark Valley beating the hell out of the bad guy and then splattering him on the wall of a tunnel. Um, yay? After that, it's discovered that the train can't stop (because the brakes are out, of course), so Mark and Tricia fly to safety with aid of a homemade parachute that Valley McGuyvered in like a minute and half. Oh yeah, more fridge logic coming at you--so they all ditched the train, but the damn thing is still going to derail pretty soon, but apparently no one really cares. I, uh, assume they warned the people down the line? I sure hope that train doesn't go anywhere near any buildings or people or anything... No one really seems all that concerned about the train... Whatever.

What on earth were Chi McBride and Jackie Earle Haley up to all this time? I'm not totally sure, but I'm pretty certain I didn't really care. McBride seemed busy middle managing and muttering while Haley was making phone calls. Sounds boring, doesn't it? Well, it was. I realize the need for that kind of aspect to the show and that kind of character around to figure things out, but it was handled in about the most lackluster possible way. Haley figured out that Tricia had cheated on her husband some time ago and pieced the whole thing together just in time. He actually had a House moment when some guy he was talking to said something and he literally stopped and said, "What did you just say?" Oy. The only way it could have been lamer or more textbook is if they had done the whole, "No, no, before that!" Mercifully, they did not, so that totally wins them back a few points. What did all this effort and fighting and gum-shoery figure out in the end? The husband did it. Well hell, I could have told you that 42 minutes ago.

It wasn't a terrible pilot, but it should have been a better. I think that's where I'm coming down on the pilot pretty hard. The writing should have been tighter, the narrative should have made a lot more sense, and the interplay between all the characters should have mattered a whole lot more. Tricia was seriously the most well-rounded, engaging characters in the pilot and we'll never see her again. Writers have more time, more money, and more leeway to do as they please with a pilot, so I kind of expect them to be better than this. I know that sounds counter to my philosophy that you can't judge a show solely by its pilot (and really, you can't), but for this type of show, it should have given viewers a lot more. In the same vein as Alias, Spooks, and Burn Notice, I want to be sucked in, mesmerized, and completely blown away by the pilot and with Human Target, I left feeling a bit underwhelmed and not exactly chomping at the bit for next week. (And yes, I realize it's kind of paradoxical to be "sucked in" and "blown away" by something. It's like Bart's rules of physics.)

The production value was solid and the bare bones of the show have a fair bit of potential, but I got the feeling the writers didn't really work out all the logistics before they put this all together. I enjoyed the action and the fight sequences on the same level that I always do, and the acting was solid, but at the end of the day, I'm just not sure I really cared about these people or what was happening to them. If they want to make this show work, I'd suggest they bring in a couple more characters, they refine their A-plots so that they matter in the grander scheme of things, analyze their fridge logic and remove it, give the show more substance and psychological depth, and create a dynamic among characters that makes me actually care if they get blown to bits or not. It's hard to feel connected with characters after only one episode, I'll admit, but I was desperate to find out what was going to happen to Sydney Bristow, couldn't wait to see how Micheal Westen would get his life back, and was on pins and needles hoping Tom Quinn would come out on top. Christopher Chance? I, uh, guess it would be pretty unfortunate for the maintenance workers, if they, uh, had to clear away his remains... and that would be bad, I guess...

I'm not saying this show can't make it (a number of classic shows have had less than classic pilots), but so far? I'm unconvinced.

Pilot Grade: C+

Who'd have guessed Fox would come through for me in the clutch?

The upfronts were last week and they came with more than a few surprises. The fates of NBC's shows were decided a while ago (yay for Chuck! (even if we'll have to wait till March)), so now I can move on to the other nets.

The Fox network has a long, painful, sordid, disappointing past, but they made a real effort to redeem themselves this year. Network president Kevin Reilly gave Dollhouse a stay of execution and allowed for a 13 episode initial pick-up for next season. In spite of criminally undeserved low ratings, Dollhouse's notable online numbers and Whedon's obsessive fans help get a renewal. Deep down, I think Reilly was just sick to death of Whedon fans decrying the network day in and day out, but motives aside, I'm thrilled it got a pick-up. It started out a little shakey, but really hit its stride as the season went on. And, if precedent serves, the second season will be even better than the first. The fledgling seasons of Buffy and Angel were good, but the second seasons were much, much better. So let it be with Dollhouse.

The DH renewal provided a win for nerds, but the cancellation of Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles was a fair blow for many. I never got into the show, but I hear it was really solid, and the fact that it featured Summer Glau (a Whedon alum) automatically wins it some points. The TSCC fans cried foul when DH got picked up and TSCC didn't, but TSCC got a reprieve last year and was granted two seasons total, so I say it's DH's turn. :) Plus, now Summer is free to jump shows. While she would make an excellent doll (let's face it, she's basically been playing that role for years now), it sounds like Joss has other plans in mind. Whatever happens, I'm excited to see it.

A final note on Dollhouse, before I get to the new pilots, it's sounding like the episode titled "Epitaph One" won't be airing on Fox and will only be on the DVD set (and possibly at Comic-Con). Felicia Day (aka Penny from Dr. Horrible) plays some sort of post-apocalyptic fighter girl, so I'm completely stoked. Oh, Joss. Only he would cast Felicia in such a role. Awesome. For an interview with Felicia where she talks about DH, go here.

Anyway, in other picked up and cancelled Fox news:

Pick-Ups:
24, American Dad, American Idol, Bones (for 2 seasons... yay...), Dollhouse, Family Guy, Fringe, House, Kitchen Nightmares, Lie to Me (for 13 episodes--initially), The Simpsons, and 'Til Death

Deaths:
King of the Hill, Prison Break, Sit Down Shut Up, and TSCC

So yeah, those are the kiddies who will and will not be returning next year. Among those that will be returning will be a slate of newbies, most of which will suck. Here are the new shows you get to look forward to, or in the case of a few of these, avoid like the plague...

Below are the official descriptions and then my initial assessments of them.

PAST LIFE

Network Write-Up: From writer David Hudgins (“Friday Night Lights”), and inspired by the book “The Reincarnationist” by M.J. Rose, comes PAST LIFE, a new drama series about an unlikely pair of past-life detectives who investigate whether what is happening to you today is the result of who you were before. DR. KATE MCGINN is not your typical psychologist. Confident, outspoken and highly educated, she works at The Talmadge Center for Behavioral Health in New York City, a world-renowned institute dedicated to the study of the science of the soul. After experiencing a past-life regression in her 20s, Kate became a believer in reincarnation. Using regression therapy and her natural gift for reading people, Kate helps solve the mysteries of her troubled clients who suffer from present-day problems caused by past-life traumas. She believes there are levels of consciousness and explanations for human behavior that science can’t begin to explain. Accustomed to skeptics, but not bothered by them, Kate is an unapologetic believer and a force of nature who marches to the beat of her own drummer. Her partner, PRICE WHATLEY, is a different story. A former NYPD homicide detective, pragmatic and cynical, Price is a damaged soul who constantly battles grief and guilt over the accidental death of his wife. Price feels that Kate, though not certifiable, certainly operates on the fringes of science. It's a volatile relationship, but with Price's solid detective skills, and Kate's penchant for out-of-the-box thinking, together they make a formidable, if somewhat dysfunctional, team. A fast-paced emotional thrill ride, each episode finds Price and Kate working with their colleagues to unravel a new mystery involving the past-lives of their clients. DR. MALACHI TALMADGE (Richard Schiff, “The West Wing”) is Kate’s mentor and the center’s namesake, an avuncular but gruff elder statesman who is a legend in the field of cognitive research.



My take: Yeah, you lost me at "the world's authority on past lives." Apparently when all the real professions have been played out on TV, you have to start making some up. Fortunately, the people employed by this fake profession are pretty and blonde, so who cares! I don't know, in the right hands, with the right showrunner, and handled in just the right way, this could work, but the odds of that being the case just aren't good. The trailer alone struck me as nothing but lame. I kind of like the Minority Report cinematography (a conceit that was handled in just the right way so that it actually worked), but the concept is just so very silly that all the pizzazz in the world likely won't save it. It's a shame that so much money and talent went into such a cheeseball story. Richard Schiff? Really? I'm so disappointed...

HUMAN TARGET

Network Write-Up: It takes a brave, selfless man to make himself a “human target” in order to save the lives of those in danger. Based on the popular DC Comics comic book and graphic novel, HUMAN TARGET is a full-throttle action drama centered on CHRISTOPHER CHANCE (Mark Valley, FRINGE), a unique private contractor/security guard hired to protect. Call him what you like, because for Chance, it’s about one thing only: saving his clients’ lives. When there is an unusual or imminent threat that can’t be solved through “normal” means of protection, Chance is hired to completely integrate himself into his clients’ lives – to become the human target. If you’re a corporate manager whose disgruntled employee has gone violently off the deep end, Chance is your new auditor. If you’re the president of a bank who’s been tipped off to a potential heist, Chance is your unassuming bank teller. During each job, Chance, assisted by his business partner WINSTON (Chi McBride, “Pushing Daisies”) and hired gun GUERRERO (Jackie Earle Haley, “Watchmen”), puts himself directly in the line of fire as he races against time to save his client, while unraveling the truth behind the mission. With every new danger, Chance’s dark history will also unravel. Does anyone know who Christopher Chance really is, or what secrets lay buried in his past? What would make a man willingly become a HUMAN TARGET?



My take: This one looks like it could be fun, but it also looks like it's trying to be Burn Notice, and NO ONE can hold a candle to Burn Notice... It's got your typical "he's a badass with specialized skills who can do things no one else can" conceit, which is overdone, to be sure, but it has a solid cast (for the most part) and doesn't appear to take itself too seriously (which is appreciated). I love Chi McBride and Jackie Earl Haley always does a great job, but I have to admit, Mark Valley doesn't really do it for me... I didn't like him in Fringe, but I'm hoping he's better here. All in all, this one looks like it could be a lot of fun. It could also be a completely pointless shoot-em-up action show without any real substance, but I'm hopeful that's not the case. I'm not sure who the showrunner is at this point, so it's hard to tell. Based solely on the talent involved and the trailer, I think this one has some real potential. Don't get me wrong, I'd still much rather have Michael Westen watching my back or keeping me safe, but surely he can't save everybody (and would probably take pleasure in seeing Carla die in a train wreck). Overall, I think this show could work and I'll definitely be giving it a chance. Oy, speaking of, Christopher Chance? Seriously? That's the name? Was Warren Fearless already taken? Ugh. I'm going to choose to ignore that...

GLEE

Network Write-Up: McKinley High School's Glee Club used to be at the top of the show choir world, but years later, it has turned into a haven for misfits and social outcasts. But at McKinley, things for the Glee Club are about to change. From Ryan Murphy, the creator of “Nip/Tuck,” comes GLEE, an uplifting comedy musical series with biting humor that features a soundtrack of hit music from past to present. The show follows an optimistic high school teacher as he tries to refuel his own passion for singing while reinventing the school's glee club and challenging a group of ragtag performers to realize their star potential. WILL SCHUESTER (Matthew Morrison), a young optimistic teacher, has offered to take on the Herculean task of restoring McKinley's Glee Club to its former glory with the help of fellow teacher and germaphobe EMMA PILLSBURY (Jayma Mays). It's a tall order when the brightest stars of the club include KURT (Chris Colfer), a nerdy soprano with a flair for the dramatic; MERCEDES (Amber Riley), a dynamic diva-in-training who refuses to sing back-up; ARTIE (Kevin McHale), a geeky guitarist who spends more time avoiding bullies than chasing girls; and TINA (Jenna Ushkowitz), an awkward girl who needs to suppress her stutter before she can take center stage. Will's only hope lies with two true talents: RACHEL BERRY (Lea Michele), a perfectionist firecracker who is convinced that show choir is her ticket to stardom; and FINN HUDSON (Cory Monteith), the popular high school quarterback with movie star looks and a Motown voice who must protect his reputation with his holier-than-thou girlfriend and head cheerleader, QUINN (Dianna Agron), and his arrogant football teammate, PUCK (Mark Salling).



My take: Okay, so the Glee pilot has actually already aired, so my take actually kind of knows what it's talking about this time (for once). If you'd like to watch the full pilot, it's available here. Not only is it available, but it's pretty damn awesome to boot, so I would seriously suggest checking it out. The pilot was really solid, but I have to say that the preview of next season looks even better. (The pilot aired a couple of weeks ago, but the show won't officially start airing till this fall.) Anyway, this show is from the same guy who was behind Popular back in the day, and most recently worked on Nip/Tuck. I adored Popular and I quite enjoy me some musical elements, so it's little surprise the I enjoyed Glee. I think the only reason I didn't completely adore the pilot is that it's largely the same plot as the movie Election, with most of the same characters, only you have to substitute "student council" with "glee club." It even has the same tone and visual style. Don't get me wrong, Election was a great movie, so if you're going to borrow from something, I would highly suggest it, but it was a little off-putting just how many similarities there were. Anyway, deja vu aside, I think it's going to make for a great series. The pilot was a lot of fun, but also snarky, with an edge of dark humor. Even if you're not into musicals, I think you'd enjoy this show (which isn't really a musical anyway). Word is, Alias spydaddy Victor Garber, Pushing Daisies alum Kristen Chenowith, and Wicked star Idina Menzel will all be making appearances on this show coming this fall, so even if I had hated the pilot, I would still be tuning in. What can I say? I'm a sucker for a great musical number, and with Pushing Daisies over and dead, I need a new outlet. :)

SONS OF TUCSON

Network Write-Up: In the tradition of “Malcolm in the Middle” and “The Bernie Mac Show,” SONS OF TUCSON is a family comedy about three brothers who hire a charming, wayward schemer to stand in as their father when their real one goes to prison. What begins as a business relationship evolves into something more complex and compelling: a family unlike any we’ve ever seen. The three brothers find their dad-for-hire, RON SNUFFKIN (Tyler Labine, “Reaper”), at the local sporting good store. Ron will be forced to draw on a wide array of skills and a vast bag of tricks as he steps into the patriarch role to take care of the boys of the Gunderson family. ROBBY GUNDERSON, 8, is a loose cannon who doesn’t take garbage from anyone; GARY GUNDERSON, 11, is a bright and street-savvy leader who is every bit the con man his father is; and BRANDON GUNDERSON, 13, is a gentle free spirit who goes along for the ride. MAGGIE MORALES, Robby’s second-grade teacher and the object of Ron’s affection, might just be the only stable figure in the lives of this quirky quartet.



My take: Meh. It doesn't look terrible, but it didn't really jump out at me either. Tyler Labine never really held much appeal for me on Reaper, and I'm doubting he will here either. It looks like it could be all right, I suppose, but the whole "he's a fish out of water who doesn't know how to be a dad" thing could get real old real fast. In summation, meh.

MENTAL

Network Write-Up: When DR. JACK GALLAGHER (Chris Vance, “Prison Break”), a dynamic and radically unorthodox psychiatrist, is named Director of Mental Health Services at a Los Angeles hospital, his unconventional style leads some of his new colleagues to believe he may be as unstable as his patients. MENTAL is a medical drama that explores the complexities of the human mind as never before. To Jack, each case is a puzzle to be solved. Confronted with each patient’s crisis, including unknown, misunderstood, and even misdiagnosed conditions, Jack must plunge inside the mind of his patients long enough to uncover what might be the key to their long-term recovery, often times working against the clock and his patients’ wishes. Ever the rebel, Jack insists on getting to the root of his patients’ illnesses by exploring first who they are as human beings, but as he fights to help his patients quickly, he must often work within only a legal 72-hour hold to determine a diagnosis. Jack must reconcile his effective, yet highly unconventional practices with his conservative boss, hospital administrator NORA SKOFF (Annabella Sciorra, “The Sopranos”), who puts her own reputation on the line by hiring him. Unfortunately, his colleagues remain resistant to his treatment methods, including dedicated psychiatrist DR. VERONICA HAYDEN-JONES, who was passed over for Jack’s position, and DR. CARL BELLE, a master politician with a polished exterior who is dedicated to Jack’s downfall.

Here's a clip:



My take: This is another one of Fox's new pet projects which has already aired. I would provide you with the link to the full pilot, but trust me, it not worth the effort. The pilot was bad. I mean really, REALLY bad. Aside from Seymour (from Burn Notice) and Maury (from Gilmore Girls), the pilot had no redeeming qualities. And lest you think those two are enough to compensate for all the rest, they aren't series regulars. They were just patients of the week. The promos and brief clips for this show really don't do the horribleness justice. I'm shocked this turkey even got picked up. The writing was atrocious, the acting was almost as bad, and the overall concept has been done and redone a thousand times, only to a much more successful end. This show is basically House, but crappy. He's a renegade doctor who does what it takes to save the patient and doesn't care who he pisses off in the process. The guy on Mental isn't quite so snarky, and the woman playing the Cuddy on the show wears glasses, but otherwise, it's basically the same idea. Only awful. Don't waste your time with this one. The only real merit I found was in the risibility of the show. This show was so bad it was funny, but not so bad it was awesome. It was actually kind of sad to watch. That, and painful. Bad, bad, bad, bad, bad... It's crap like this that makes me understand how shows like The Mentalist stay on the air... The bar is low, people. Really low. I mean, they must have special ordered or sent away for that sucker...

Anyway, there were a couple of other shows on the slate, but neither jumped out at me. One was a new animated comedy that I assume will follow in the footsteps of Fox's current slate of comedies and the other was about a football player or something. I didn't read past "football."

So there you have it. As a professional TV watcher, I'll likely be checking most of these out, even if I don't really want to, but that's the burden I bear for having no life.