for your movie. I think it was Roger Ebert who said that winners should be able to speak as long as they want, so long as they don't thank anyone. Agreed. The worst offenders actually pulled out slips of paper. Look, I get it, you don't want to forget anyone and have them resent you for leaving them out of your list of people. Best way to avoid leaving someone off the list? Don't have a list. As such, I only listened to a handful of speeches. As soon as it became clear that they were delving into a call sheet, I zipped on by. I even get that muppet song in my head when I'm doing it... Movin' right along in search of good times and good news...Like I said, I don't see many movies, so I'm genuinely not all that invested in who wins. Of the best picture nominees, I've seen a total of one of them. It's an easy number to keep track of. I guess, if anything, the Oscars give me a reason to add to my Netflix queue (of course, that makes them numbers 137 and up on the list, so maybe I'll see them sometime this decade). Here are some other random thoughts on the proceedings, week-in-review style:
Most Appreciated Self-Referential Moment: Anne Hathaway noting to James Franco, “You look very appealing to the younger demographic as well.”
In a year where the announcement of the hosting duties left everyone scratching their heads and scrunching their brows, it was nice to see that they weren’t even going to pretend that this was a good choice. It served one (largely unsuccessful) purpose, and that was to draw in more, and younger, viewers. Based on the ratings, things seemed to be about on par with last year when we didn’t have two random actors thrown together onstage.
Best Oscar Host (of the two that were provided): Anne Hathaway
When I first heard that she and James Franco would be hosting, I was a little befuddled. It basically sounded like the organizers had simply drawn two names at random from the “Under 35” bin and called it a day. To my surprise, Anne was much more of a delight than anticipated. She genuinely seemed to be having fun and gave the proceedings an air of casual ease. She wouldn’t exactly be my choice in the future or anything, but she was charming and funny and even managed to cover for James Franco, whom I’m willing to wager was at least tipsy.
Worst Oscar Host (not just of the two that were provided): James Franco
He was mumbly, awkward, and unfunny from start to finish. It kind of felt like Anne was on a really bad date that should couldn’t escape from through the bathroom window, so she tried to make the most of it. His comedic timing was way off, and in spite of Anne’s best of efforts to salvage jokes, everything he was in charge of fell pretty flat. In that vein, Dear Academy, men in unconvincing drag stopped being funny about 50 years ago. Ugh. It reminded me of high school, where apparently the height of humor is the football players dressing up as the cheerleaders. Wasn’t funny then, isn’t funny now. And anything that manages to remind me of high school automatically puts you on my bad list.
Best Performance By A Nonagenarian: Kirk Douglas
Sure his words were barely intelligible, he needed a cane holder, he helped lengthen an already interminable awards show, and he clearly had at least one foot in the grave, but he was still more entertaining and charming than James Franco. Melissa Leo’s reaction helped sell the bit. “You’re looking pretty good, too. What are you doing later?” Having a sponge bath and a tall glass of prune juice, I’m guessing… (And yes, I had to look up what comes after "octogenarian.")
Best Presenter: Sandra Bullock
She’s had a colossally bad year (I half expected the “In Memoriam” to include “Sandra Bullock’s Personal Life”), so to see her back on stage, looking stunning in that red dress, and presenting the Oscar with as much charm and warmth as she did was just lovely to see. Welcome back, dear. We’ve missed you.
Best Dressed (Overall): Gwyneth Paltrow
As much as it pains me to throw praise in her direction, she looked amazing in that slinky metallic grown (that she wore on the red carpet, not the one she performed in). It looked effortless, interesting, unique, and comfortable (a bunch of qualities that I don’t generally associated with Gwyneth, so the dress had to work overtime).
Best Dressed (Bun-in-the-Oven Division): Natalie Portman
It was a nice dress and all, but that it somehow managed to make her look only 6 months pregnant instead of 17 (based on how she looked last month, I feared the worst), this dress gets bumped into the upper echelon of fashion (and actual magic, near as I can tell). Most impressive.
Worst Dressed (Among So Many Other Worsts): Scarlett Johannson
Some may cry foul, saying that Cate Blanchett’s dress was worse, but I look at the total package. Cate is a tremendous actress who gave a funny and hilariously honest presentation (quipping at The Wolfman’s make-up nomination, “That’s gross,” which in that field is apparently code for “we have a winner”) who wore a quirky and interesting (if a bit ugly) dress, whereas Scarlett is a horrendous actress, a total bore, and a terrible presenter who wore a dress that’s ugly and dull. She is just awful. In everything.
Weirdest Trend: Ill-fitting Suits
Speaking of worst dressed, was there a sale of bad suits that I was not made aware of? Apparently they’re selling like hotcakes, because even the hottest men in Hollywood somehow managed to look completely awful. Jude Law’s tux looked about two sizes too small and I honestly couldn’t tell if the white tuxedos were a joke…
Person I’m Gladdest Won: Aaron Sorkin
In all honesty, I haven’t seen The Social Network yet, but I’m a Sorkin fan through-and-through. He’s all about dialogue, and that speaks to me on more than just a literal level. Even just from the clips I’ve seen of the film, it’s delightfully apparent that his razor-sharp wit and cerebral approach are present. He doesn’t dumb down his writing or appeal to the lowest common denominator. Indeed, if he has one failing, it’s knowing just how brilliant he is. His acceptance speech included more than a few thank-yous, but it also included a lot of humor and perspective. That I can handle.
Cutest Acceptance Speech: Luke Matheny for his live action short film God of Love
He was disarming and adorable and managed to be one of the few speeches I actually listened to. I love that his mom provided craft service for the film and that she got the much-deserved shout-out. And, although I’m far from a romantic, closing his speech with a love letter to his composer and the love of his life was pretty damn sweet and even elicited an uncontrollable “awww” from the audience. Especially given the cupid-y theme of his movie. How do you break up with a guy after that?
Biggest Surprise: Umm… That there weren’t any?
Seriously, the look on the favorite's face when the random underdog (*cough* Marissa Tomei *cough*) beats them is one of the biggest draws of the show. This year? No dice.
Cheesiest Time Suck: I’m sorry, why are there a bunch of kids in unfortunately colored T-shirts singing?
Heartwarming? No. Time waste-y? Yes. Seriously, I’d rather listen to people read names off scraps of paper, er… continue to listen to people read names off scraps of paper…
All in all, I'd say the best part of the evening was another Modern Family Oscar promo:
And in case you missed last year's:
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