Depression and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance

Okay, I'm going to promise that this won't be nearly as long as my Twilight review. I finished New Moon, the second installment in the series, the other day and in some ways, I enjoyed it more than Twilight, and in other ways, it was much less successful. Here we go. Round two. Ding! Ding!

Yet again, I really have no idea where to start. The novel began much (heh, I accidentally typed "mush" at first--which makes me think my subconscious (or at least my fingers) know where this review might be headed) the way I would have expected. The first 50 pages were comcastic in their own right, but overall, fairly successful. I quite enjoyed the episode with the birthday party. The author took a very simple, seemingly innocuous event and used it as a tool to remind the reader that Bella really is in danger and that vampires aren't necessarily the peace-and-love welcoming wagon that they were starting to sound like. The writing was much better as well (more on that later) until I got to the most painfully comcastic line out of both books. It was so comcastic I couldn't even read it aloud to the girls at work. For full effect, you need to read the line with the proper voice in your head. For some of you, it is the voice that is used when throwing onself seductively against the cubicle wall. For others, it's the husky, naughty secretary voice one might use to leave a voicemail message on Ben's cell phone. Either way, it makes the following even more painfully cringe-worthy than I can even stand...

Ready now? Voice in head? Compazine at the ready? Brace yourselves...

Page 52, Bella: "Which is tempting you more, my blood or my body?"

Oh, ew, ahh! Ohhhhh, geez, you did NOT just say that! [face cringing with shock, indignation, and disapproval, and eyes closing with the full impact of literary mace] Ooo-kay, Bella just has no shame whatsoever. Even as I'm looking at it now, well after the initial shock has worn off, it's still embarrassing. Oh man, I'm embarrassed for her. Geez, the things she says to him. It's just inexcusable. He may as well be able to read her thoughts for as much of a filter as she puts on. Oh, the humanity!

Moving on. (Quickly! Quickly!) As I mentioned in my thick-as-War-and-Peace review of Twilight, I spent the better part of the novel wishing the author would focus more on the other vampires. I was whole lot more interested in them than in the I've-known-you-for-six-weeks-and-now-I-can't-live-without-you central romance (apparently scent conquers all), and was hopeful the next installment would bring me a whole lot more backstory and character development regarding Edward's family... Annnd, apparently the cosmos are out to get me, because between about page 80 and about page 400, Charlie is getting more screen time than any of the vamps, and that's a crying shame on more than a few levels! Not that I don't just love hearing about him watching ESPN and going fishing, but... well, um... wow, I can't think of a way to finish that sentence... Oh, Charlie--even more pathetic and less sympathetic than in volume one. But that's beside the point. I don't mean to get all Grey's Anatomy on you, but seriously?! Seriously. The whole bloody clan up and left?!

Which leads us to the Underworld portion of the series... Casting update: Turns out Kate Beckinsale should have been at the top of the list. Not many actresses gets type-cast as a vampire/werewolf liason, but Beckinsale certainly fits the bill. Chapter one goal? Re-tool (emphasis on tool) the vampires. Chapter two goal? Completely overhaul the mythology of werewolves. Enter Jacob, stage right.

I have to admit, clear back in book one when Jacob was telling Bella about the lore behind vampires and werewolves, I immediately knew that Jacob and his little band of merry men (manly men!) would turn out to be werewolves and that eventually a royal rumble would have to take place. I'm not saying that Bella should have come to that conclusion at that time, but by page 200 of New Moon, it certainly should have crossed her mind. Of course he's a werewolf. Oy. As I recall, she didn't actually come to this realization till several annoying chapters later. All I'm saying is that if Scientology-style brainwashing is on the table for Jacob's odd behavior, and vampires have glistened into actual existence, werewolves should have been a consideration long before they were. I'm being nitpicky, but man alive, reading her molasses-quick thought process was, well, like... watching molasses. Only slower. Double oy.

Speaking of the werewolves... As with the vampires, author Stephanie Meyer has taken the liberty to completely reinvent the mythology behind them. In general, I wouldn't have any problem with this, but after seeing how she whipped out her Bedazzler for the vampires, I had to assume that the werewolves would turn into rainbows or a box of Lucky Charms at the light of the full moon or something... It didn't turn out that bad, I guess, because Meyer threw out the entire concept of the moon having any effect whatsoever. As Meyer sees it, werewolves can change back and forth at their leisure and don't really have any rules or restrictions in place. The only restrictions that are imposed on these would-be mythical creatures are on an emotional level and have more to do with self-control than anything else. I realize that resisting someone as ravishingly unstable as Bella is tough (I mean, rrarr!), but, wow. If I were to get really English-y, I'd propose the theory that Meyer imposes only emotional restrictions and restaints on these creatures to humanize them in a way; to make them more plausible and believable. I would posit that Meyer is making the statement that everyone can be a monster is his or her own way and that it all boils down to how one handles his or her lot in life. I would support this position with the fact that Bella ostensibly becomes a zombie, joining the ranks of her vampire boyfriend and pet werewolf (slash grease monkey--this is the saddest zoo ever) without having to be bitten by a radio-active spider or something. But, I'm not going to give Meyer the benefit of the doubt. As far as I'm concerned, Meyer just didn't want to have to work around any real restrictions, so she made up a bunch of stuff to make the novels easier to write--which is the kind of slackerdom I can appreciate, but don't really enjoy reading. Geez, did my professors have to suffer like this at the hands of my poor work ethic? I am so so sorry (Mrs. King, Hill, and Barker, I'm looking in your direction--I realize some of those essays were (okay, ALL of those essays) were pretty half-assed...). I don't know. I just think that having those restrctions on these otherwise near indestructible beings made the whole game a lot more fun. How is the opposing side supposed to strategize and play to their opponents weaknesses if there aren't any? If you're going to re-invent a mythology, impose some very real restrictions of your own. Otherwise, it all just seems a bit too convenient. The royal rumble, which I assume is in the coming volume, could turn out to be of lame. Or, with as heartily as Meyer is borrowing from the star-crossed lovers theme, I really hoping it might be a bit on the West Side Story-ish side of things. At least one can dream... I'd really enjoy seeing some finger snapping and ballet, I have to admit... (When you're a vamp, you're a vamp all the way, from your first taste of blood, till your last dying (oh wait, they're already dead...) day...) Okay so it needs some work...

Anyway, so yeah, Jacob's a werewolf... I actually think Meyer did a pretty good job with the Jacob character. He's sweet and likable but, as a result, unfortunately kind of boring. He's sort of the Dean of the story. Or the Duncan. Or a Nate Archibald. All I can say is, where's the snarky best friend for me to root for? Do we have a Logan or a Chuck Bass in the house? Uhh, yeah, umm... Jasss-per? Sure... Yeah, I don't think Meyer is comfortable writing snark, so it's probably best that all the fellas be kind of one-note. It was actually nice to see Jacob develop some edge after the whole werewolf transformation, but the whole time, I just couldn't get Teen Wolf out of my head. It made him a lot less menacing, what with riding on top of Bella's truck while Surfin' USA is playing... If the La Push basketball team is in trouble this year, don't worry, Jacob will be there to save the day... It really ruined my image of what the werewolves looked like (as visions of Micheal J. Fox danced in my head). Fortunately, I was inclinded to like the vamps more than the wolves anyway. The werewolves were kind of disconcertingly patriarchal, whereas the vamps are more equal opportunity. (Votes for women!)

The trio of mythological beings does form the basis for the novel, however. Although, with all the zombies, vampires, and werewolves running amock, I had to assume that Nick Carter was going to show up in a mummy costume at any moment (...ALL RIGHT!)... I actually rather enjoyed Bella the zombie and I think it was the first time I felt like I could really relate to her (aside from the fact that she shares my birthday... Which can I just say? Virgos are lot more practical than she is... Way to read your Zodiac, Meyer). Although at first I had a hard time abiding her reasons for dispondency, I could certainly relate to her depression and the irrational inclination for self-destruction. When your life is going to hell and everything completely sucks, I definitely think people have the urge to be reckless, because really, what does it matter? If everything is horrible always, why not jump off a cliff? Before you're 30? ;) And as far as her reasoning goes, I was very pleased to see that Meyer pointed out that it's not just Edward. Granted his absence is the primary reason for her sorrow, but I like that Meyer made it clear that Bella is mourning her entire way of life. For the first time ever, she felt like she belonged somewhere, had real friends and allies, and a place where she didn't have to feel like a freak. She fits in, and absolutely doesn't, at the same time, and that was really working for her. She misses the whole shabang, not just Edward. It was a nice point to make. It made Bella seem a whole lot less pathetic.

I think Bella's moroseness is a lot of the reason the writing struck me as being so much better. The story overall could have been greatly improved, but the approach to the narrative made for a less annoying, more enjoyable read. Meyer seems to have pretty much completely abandoned the strict first-person narrative, instead opting for a third person approach, albeit technically in Bella's voice. It annoyed me a bit at first that she wasn't able to stay in character for longer than two sentences at a time, but really? The less Bella is telling the story, the better. Why do I say it didn't sound like her telling the tale, you ask? Well, what 18-year-old dingbat (yet another mythical beast brought to life) doesn't describe a smile as "beatific" and her own heartbeat as "besotted"? You're right, what was I thinking? Of course Bella is at the helm... [Oh, man, I just dripped sarcasm all over me...] Yet again, not really complaining. I'll take all the actual vocabulary and viable syntax I can get, but it just seemed kind of lazy of the author. Again. Well, maybe she got "beatific" and "besotted" on sale or something... Wow, maybe I have more in common with Meyer than I thought...

Although the writing was a bit better on the surface, well, at least as far as basic sentence structure was concerned, the story itself was seriously lacking. Aside from taking the whole Romeo and Juliet star-crossed lovers approach, which, might I add, has all been done (a lot, and done better), the story just didn't seem well-conceived and kind of meandered. I think my primary quibble is with the fact that so few of the characters have been fleshed-out by the author that it's nearly impossible to determine the motives for their actions--which in turn, makes their actions a whole lot less interesting. Enter Rosalie, stage left.

Okay, now if Rosalie had anything but the scantest of backstories, it would have been a lot more interesting and compelling when she told Edward that Bella was dead. If she and Edward had a real history, the reader would have a hell of a lot more to work with than the gloss explanation that's given in the book. I found myself constructing an entire backstory in my head for Rosalie that made her motives clearer. I have this entire construct in my head for pretty much all of the vampires just so that everything makes more sense and the story is improved. Rosalie telling Edward could have been sinister, beautiful, fantastic, and heartbreaking if she and Edward had a real history together, but as is, it comes across as little more than a weak plot device to get us from point A to point B. I'm seriously hoping that her motives are elucidated in the coming volume, but I haven't the slightest confidence that that will be the case. And actually, I've so entirely made up stories for everyone that for Meyer to give them histories now would totally disrupt the narrative for me. I don't know. I think it can be effective to tease at a character's motives and then explain them much later, but I think Meyer's attempt largely failed here and that she missed an incredible opportunity for conflicting emotions and actions. It's a shame. (And just as a sidenote, what? Were they never going to tell Edward? I don't think telling him was all that wrong, I have to say. Wouldn't he want to know? Whatever.)

Anyway, moving on. Although the beat-the-clock ending with them gallivanting through Italy had its flaws, I think it was the most successful part of the book (and not just because the vampires finally decided to show up again). I found myself genuinely anxious for them to make it in time. My axiety was kind of tainted, however, when Bella is running through the square and all I could think in my head was her doing that slow-motion running that I do that Erika loves so much and yelling, "NOOOOOOOO!!!!" in warped slo-mo voice. It was kind of distracting... Then, for some reason, I had the two Italian restaurant guys from Lady and the Tramp in my head, saying, "Hey, Joe! Look at dees a-spark-alia vampire over a-here!" (which really smacks of Joey's attempts at an Italian accent, now that I think about it... "Dat's a what I expected-adah...") My mind tends to wander... at least with these books it does... Anyway, random Disney characters aside, I actually liked the Italian chapters quite a lot. It was nice to have some history for the vampire culture, if not a drop for any of the main characters. I thought the sequence with the vampire royal family, as it were, was quite successful and made a more interesting read than I was expecting.

Oh, one more quick note on Italy. So, this has annoyed me since day 1, but I'm only bringing it up now. If she's supposed to be so plain, and is as clearly personality-less as she is, why on earth did the author name her Bella Swan? If she's so unattractive, reason would have it that she wouldn't be named Beautiful anything, let alone Swan. Oy. Although maybe she's just as unlucky as I am, having a name that doesn't exactly suit her. Not that I don't see pole dancing in my future or anything... Anyway, I just think it would have been more fitting to name her Phyllis, or Joan, or Ruth, or... Walter. Ahh, that's it. Walter. Walter Mudgett. Nowww we're talking.

I guess my final problem with this book is that it's a middle volume and isn't going to have the self-contained structure that one would expect from a singular novel. That said, however, most books in a series at least have some sense of being self-contained, and this really, really didn't. If you're going to load a gun in Act I, it has to go off by Act III, and this particular volume loaded several guns in Act I and then an entirely different set of artillary is what went off in Act III (well, was it III? Who knows). I'm guessing that's what Meyer had in mind that I'll just have to wait for things to really come together. If that was her plan, however, then why the hell is she putting prologues and epilogues in every volume! Stephanie Meyer, I donna think those words mean what you think they mean... If it's not the end of the story as a whole, DON'T PUT AN EPILOGUE! Geez, it's like she wrote these for a class and wanted extra credit for using as many components as possible. It's annoying.

All right, rant over. I'll be starting in on Eclipse later today and have heard that it's better than New Moon, so here's hoping. I've heard that I'll finally get some backstory, so that'll be good. Or totally jarring. I just can't win...