Because one horrible 90's reboot simply wasn't enough...

Oh, CW. It tries really hard to be a real network, but generally doesn't succeed... Quite frankly, after they cancelled Veronica Mars, I held very little loyalty to the net, but Gossip Girl helped soften the blow. Even the network's flagship serieseses don't yield tremendous ratings, but the CW seems to hang in there season to season (some how).

Well, with many of the CW's line-up reaching retirement age (oh god how I wish they'd retire them already), the waters ahead are looking even murkier (read: lowratingsy) than before. Standbys like Smallville, Supernatural, and (sadly, regrettably, embarrassingly) One Tree Hill (bleckk) are getting a little long in the tooth these days, and it's not just some wacky plotline. Smallville just wrapped it's 8th season (it's one of those shows I'm glad to say I broke up with back in its 3rd season and can't believe is still kicking, er, flying), Supernatural is already on to its 5th season starting this fall, and somehow (black magic, some seriously, seriously unfortunate karma, who knows), One Tree Hill has endured for 6 season and is coming back for its 7th (even if sans its two leads... somehow I don't think anyone will notice).

Anyway, in spite of the CW's willingness to keep these bad boys coming back year to year, they surely can't last forever (one would hope), so the CW really needs some solid pilots that can anchor the network in coming years. I'm not so sure the new slate looks any better than the old slate, but it certainly looks a lot like the mid-90's... I have it on good authority that the Melrose Place relaunch is a hell of a lot better than the 90210 relaunch, but that's like saying the arsenic has a smoother aftertaste than the hemlock, as far as I'm concerned...

The most promising sounding pilot, The Body Politic (starring Veronica Mars alum Jason Dohring), didn't get picked up for whatever reason and I'm hearing it's the best pilot we'll never see. Word is, it was a lot solid-er than most of the ones that did get the green light, so who knows just what Dawn Ostroff is smoking... Also, for all you Gossip Girls out there who have been hearing about the 80s spin-off that was backdoor piloted in the prom episode, it's looking less and less like anything will come of it. Ostroff insists it's still a possibility for mid-season, but I'm not holding my breath. Honestly, I was pretty underwhelmed by the backdoor pilot, so I'm kind of relieved it won't be airing...

Again, not being as privileged as my favorite TV reporters out there, I'm not privy to the pilots until they actually air, so I'm forced to base my assessments on clips and trailers alone. Fortunately, I'm just judgmental enough to be okay with that.

Anywho, here's what the CW will look like this fall. I'm actually hearing that none of the new shows is as bad as you'd suspect, but that's not exactly a ringing endorsement...

MELROSE PLACE

Oh, kiddies... Here we go again.







My Take: I actually didn't watch too much of the original series, so I'm kind of coming into this a little blind. I've heard from peeps on the web that the full pilot is actually kind of fun, but you know, in a horrible kind of way. Anything with Ashley Simpson pretty much gets a big "NO" in my book to begin with, so I don't have high hopes for this one. It looks like it's embracing the soapiness of the original right off the bat this time around (as opposed to getting progressively soapier), so if you're into that kind of thing, this is clearly the show for you. Already we have a murder mystery, blackmail, hidden pasts, alcoholism, uh, chef schoolery... Okay, so it's still got a ways to go before it's a full on soap operatic mess, but that was a fair showing for three short clips. I'm not exactly giddy for this one... bad acting, bad writing, weirdly off-putting drunk flirting... I'm hoping it's so bad it's awesome, but I'm guessing it'll be so bad it's awful. "She's the one who convinced me I could be a chef..." Oh, my god, this IS tragic! Heh.

THE BEAUTIFUL LIFE

On Wednesdays, America's Next Top Model will be followed-up by The Beautiful Life, a tale of wannabe top models living under one roof. The show includes an ensemble of Mischa Barton (The O.C.'s Marissa "I'm too drunk to stand... or act" Cooper, of course), Corbin Bleu (of High School Musical fame--now there's a pedigree to put in the press release...) and real-life supermodel Elle Macpherson as their modeling agency boss. It's produced by Ashton Kutcher, so you can make of that what you will... Anyways, here goes.





My Take: Oh, Mishca... As far as former O.C.ers are concerned, she's the one I'm least excited to see back in action. She's very one note. One bland, barely conscious note... This whole show looks like a mess. The acting is terrible (from Mischa? Whaaa?! Crazy, right?) and the whole concept is pretty weak. They've clearly tried to make everything seem a lot more important than it really is. I enjoy fashion well enough (lord knows Project Runway takes up more of my time than it should) and I'll admit to watching those crappy modeling competitions (I can't believe Branden won on Make Me a Supermodel--bleckk...), but at the end of the day, none of it really matters. Without some real substance to go with all the glitz, it's just a bunch of skinny girls stomping around and back-biting. Um, yay? Also, as much as I appreciate a good cameo, it's abundantly clear that Zach Posen should keep his day job. His bad acting managed to make everyone else's acting look a little better, but it really made the overall impression pretty awful. I doubt I'll be keeping this one on my schedule, but I'll tune in at first if for no other reason than to see Mischa's ignominious return to television (on a low budget CW disaster no less) after her film career... well, uh, yeah... [crickets] At least she's getting work? Maybe after a season or two she'll opt to get killed off again... For the sake of the show, one can only hope.

VAMPIRE DIARIES

Well, as is probably apparent from the title and governing network alone, this is clearly aimed at the Twilighters out there. I'm hearing it actually has some potential... which means it must be a hell of a lot better than its progenitor... So yeah, in case you've been experiencing an angsty vampire/mortal love story deficiency, search no more!







My Take: As with Twilight, my general opinion is if you're looking for some kick-ass vampire action and an ill-fated vampire/mortal love story, you'd be better off (MUCH better off) with Buffy. Joss Whedon actually knows what the hell he's doing. Stephanie Meyers and whoever is behind this show? Not so much. For what it is, it appears to follow all the rules and conventions accordingly, but I think it's more than a little hackneyed at this point. And once again, what's with the bad acting? Seriously, LA is teeming with young acting hopefuls and the CW ended up with the bottom of the barrel, it seems. To be fair, the acting in this one seems a lot better than in Melrose Place or The Beautiful Life, but that's not saying much... As ever, I'll give it a shot, but the whole concept is pretty woefully derivative and from the clips provided, I don't see that they've reinvented it in any meaningful way. My expectations are low to begin with, but god help me, if they sparkle in the sun, I might just have have a stroke.