CW Upfronts: Last, but not... well, yeah, kind of least...

Oh, little CW, you try real hard, dontcha? Honestly though, for as pitiful a network as it is, it always seems to have a show or two that I can't live without. Last year at this time, that show would have been Gossip Girl... Well, what a difference a year makes. Nowadays, Gossip Girl is barely even on my radar (this season just... hasn't... quite... done it for me) and The Vampire Diaries has kind of taken over my life. Speaking of which, if you didn't get in on the ground floor and are sick of hearing me talk about it without having seen it (or if you're Nicole and you started late to the series), they are going to be airing reruns of The Vampire Diaries all summer, starting with a rebroadcast of the pilot on May 27th. Set your DVRs to awesome.

Honestly, TVD is the only show I really care about on the network this year, so the upfronts came with very little fanfare. There was no Veronica Mars for me to worry about and most of the decisions were forgone conclusions. The only serieseses that were up in the air? Well, that would be the CW cagematch: Life Unexpected vs. One Tree Hill. Otherwise known as the wussiest cagematch in the history of the universe. I wasn't impressed by Life Unexpected and One Tree Hill has been awful since day one, so you can see that this is a battle in which I am wholly invested. See below for the thrilling details! (Spoiler alert: The CW took the easy, "I don't wanna get yelled at" way out.)

Quick note: I'll be publishing all the fall schedules in the next couple of weeks and an assessment of what shows will be going to battle for timeslot supremacy. Also, it was pointed out by commenter Jess that I had made an error regarding the CBS scheduling moves. The Big Bang Theory is moving to Thursdays at 7 pm, opposite Community. I don't know why I was thinking Wednesday, but it's been corrected. (Boy, is my face red...)

Anyway, on with the show, er, shows...

***SHOWS THAT HAVE BEEN PICKED UP***

Life Unexpected AND One Tree Hill
Surprise! Okay, not really. After several months of speculation and rumor that only one show would survive, the CW took the pathetic way out and picked up both series for an initial order of 13 episodes each. I assume one of them will premiere at midseason, or, when the CW's new cheerleader catastrophe Hellcats tanks (at least I hope to hell it tanks), then one of these shows will fill the scheduling gap. I'll be posting clips of new shows in the coming weeks, but for now, I'm just glad to be wrapping up the Upfronts alive. I honestly can't stand either of these shows (although I hear Life Unexpected has gotten considerably better), so I wasn't much invested in this most-pathetic of cagematches. Poor CW. Having to choose between these two little gems must have been quite the Sophie's choice...

90210
I only made it through the pilot... and even then, I'm pretty sure I may have suffered some brain damage. It's not Melrose Place in terms of eye-gougingly painfulness, but it's close. So of course it'll be back! Oh, CW. How I wish you were more of a real network...

The Vampire Diaries
My darling Vampire Diaries is quite thankfully the most successful show on the network, so there was never any doubt that it would be back. I was going to post a big wrap up after the finale, but then Upfront season was upon us. Hopefully I'll get some time next week. That'll give me some extra time to watch the last 10 minutes of the episode a few more times. Holy hell! It's going to be a looooong summer, peeps. Not sure if I'm going to make it. Already... going... through... withdrawals...!

Gossip Girl
My used-to-be darling GG will also be back. I'm sorry, but this season has fallen completely flat for me (and as near as I can tell, everyone else too). I just don't care anymore. The season started off well enough, but after a few eps, I was basically done. It's gone beyond being a chore to watch and I have at least 9 or 10 episodes saved up on my DVR that I honestly don't know if I'll ever watch. Maybe this summer? Maybe (make that probably) not...

America's Next Top Jumpsuit, er Model
I haven't watched the past few cycles of Tyra's progressive insanity, and I'm very comfortable with that decision. I saw enough clips of the show on The Soup and The Dish to never need to see this show again (so many jumpsuits, so little time). It was always only ever a guilty pleasure, but now it's just guilty--of oh-so-many offenses. Plus, the complete misnomer of a title has to be a little off-putting for contestants these days. Top models they are not. Hell, models, they are not.

Smallville
I watched the first couple of seasons of this show, then fell off the wagon. Next thing I know, it's been on for nine years. Mercifully, I have heard confirmation that season 10 will be its last. Did he ever even start flying? I have to assume he did... At any rate, the show should be wrapping up next year.

Supernatural
As much as I just loved Dean on Gilmore Girls, I don't think I ever need to see him again. But, this show has one of the most rabid fanbases in town. Small though it may be, they are vocal and passionate to say the least. I guess they weren't GG fans originally, because Jared Padalecki is a dealbreaker, whether his hair is looking "cool, or not so cool."

***SHOWS THAT HAVE BEEN CANCELED***

Melrose Place
Yeah, it was pretty much the only show on the network to get the boot (save for the three episodes of The Beautiful Life that managed to air--methinks that doesn't really count as ever having been on the air). This was god-awful on a truly painful scale. It won't be missed. Hell, even firing Ashlee Simpson's sorry ass couldn't save this particular train wreck, and in my experience, getting rid of Ashlee Simpson is usually the first step in recovery: admitting you have a problem. A botoxed, plastic, wooden dingbat problem. (Me? Judgmental? Well, I never!)

The Beautiful Life (in case you forgot)
You know you've got a terrible show on your hands when it gets canceled by the redheaded step child CW after three episodes. This is a network that gave Melrose Place an entire season... Ouch.