CBS Upfronts: Bloodbath

I've never had a whole lot of stake in CBS (what with my attention to countless hours of crime procedurals proving less than compelling) and given that the only shows I actually watch on the network have already been picked up for next season, I wasn't exactly on pins and needles for their upfronts. Quite frankly, the only shows I watch on the network comprise the lion's share of the meager 3% of programming that isn't currently focused on combing through trash cans for body parts or zooming in on some tiny smudge on a surveillance feed and magically (and I mean that) clarifying the image so that everything is conveniently wrapped up in a nifty bow so we can start again next week (venting over... for now).

But wait! What's this?! CBS has canceled three procedurals!? I never thought I'd live to see the day... I don't know much about their fall pilots, but it looks like those procedurals won't be replaced by new ones (necessarily), so it looks like CBS may have finally broken out of the decade of procedural programming that it has clung to so desperately... by slashing their schedule. They canceled seven shows (most of which were long-running and well-established, to boot). That's a lot, trust me.

I honestly don't follow much of what goes on over at CBS and don't know a whole lot about the programming, so this more perfunctory than anything else. I don't even really know which of their shows is on the bubble... Accidentally on Purpose is really the only show coming to mind that I know may be in trouble. I just don't really care. Maybe if they have some awesome new pilots this fall, but right now? Meh.

One more quick note of semi-import: The fall schedule has been seriously revised. Granted, the only two shows I really care about stayed exactly where they were, but The Big Bang Theory has moved to Thursdays (I accidentally put Wednesdays initially--nope, they'll both be on Thursdays, anchoring the night at 7pm). Why does this matter, you ask? Well, it didn't until I realized that it would now be going up against Community. Not. Good. Community already has ratings struggles without the inexplicable ratings behemoth competing with it. Ugh. Anyway, I'm trying to move past it...

Henceforth, I'll cut the crap and get to the goods.

***SHOWS PICKED UP FOR NEXT SEASON***

The Good Wife
This is really the only show on CBS whose future I was ever all that concerned about and it was granted an early renewal several weeks ago. Yay! It really is one of the best shows on the air and if you haven't given it a shot, you really should. I know, I know, on the surface it looks like a Lifetime movie of the week, but in reality, its one of the best dramas out there. It's subtle and mature, but still completely engaging. It tends to skew older and female, but that's simply because the younger set hasn't given it much of a chance. I'm continually amazed at how many forum commenters cop to being 22 year old males. Such a great show. I'm all the more thrilled that it got an early pick-up because it's numbers over the past few weeks have been a bit discouraging. Hopefully word of mouth will create some positive buzz over the summer. Quite frankly, I think CBS finally realized that it needed to diversify its programming and brand name and took a chance here. (The fact that its current slate of procedurals has been slipping of late also may have helped. The trio of CSIs are showing their age and I think CBS knows it.)

How I Met Your Mother
Aside from the fact that this season has been downright painful to watch, I'm glad this show got picked up out of lingering loyalty. Seriously, the more episodes I watch, the more I wish last year's season finale had been the series finale. The show is stale, no one has anything interesting to do, and most damningly of all, we're nearing the end of the FIFTH SEASON and we still haven't met the effing mother! Ugh. I get closer and closer to breaking up with this one with each passing episode. Here's hoping they can get their acts in gear and make season 6 worth having.

The Mentalist
We all know how I feel about this show and I've heard that if you can't say something nice...

Two and a Half Men
Words simply cannot express how sad it is for humanity that this show still exists.

CSI/ CSI:Miami/ CSI:NY (the unholy trinity)
Oh yes, they'll all be back. Aren't you relieved!? Yeah, me neither. CSI prime is the only one I've ever really watched and even then, I couldn't care less that it survived. This past season has been nigh unwatchable (and that's saying something for a show that's always only been sorta watchable). As for the others? I know I could live without ever seeing David Caruso's pock-marked face again, but apparently I'm in the minority here. I want to say NY might have been on the bubble, but again, don't really care.

NCIS/ NCIS:Los Angeles (the unbearable duo)
More shows I don't watch and don't care about! Yay!

Survivor
...will, of course, be back. Ugh. CBS may have finally given some ground on the crappy procedural front, but have yet to give an inch on the crappy reality competition whateverness front.

Medium
The torture continues (meaning the show and Patricia Arquette's awards show wardrobe).

The Big Bang Theory
...which I type "The Big Bank Theory" every time I ever write it ever. I choose to blame that on my job's focus on tissue banking (which means that just one more way in which I can absolutely loathe it). I can only handle this show in the smallest of doses, but, it does have it's moments, so I guess I'm glad to see it back again. It has some of the highest ratings anywhere, so there was really no threat. But then again, we're nearing the end of the THIRD SEASON and we still have yet to see the big bank! Oh, wait... (If you didn't read the comments about HIMYM, that last bit doesn't make a whole lot of sense...)

Criminal Minds
I couldn't pick this procedural out of a line-up if I had to. I assume it has, you know, like, actors in it?

Rules of Engagement
I want to say this is a comedy (?)... a comedy that's terrible... and that apparently won't go away and die already.

***SHOWS THAT HAVE OFFICIALLY BEEN AXED***

New Adventures of Old Christine
...will not be back. I've never even met someone who watches this show, so there's not really much for me to say. All I know is that Wanda Sykes was on it, and that's more than enough deterrence... I hear there's a chance (some say 50/50) that the show will move to ABC. I'll believe it when I see it (assuming I even hear about it--again, not a show I care about no matter what network it's on). I realize ABC doesn't have a whole hell of a lot going for it all of a sudden, but I still think this is unlikely. The only way this will happen is if ABC has an odd number of half-hour comedies and needs a filler.

Miami Medical
Arrived with a weak pulse, quickly declined, then flatlined. No loved ones were notified as no loved ones existed.

Gary Unmarried
Good god, who knew CBS has so many shows...?! I want to say this is another comedy? Oh, who the hell cares. It won't back, so too bad, you random handful of viewers, you...

Ghost Whisperer
Whoa, whoa, whoa, this thing was still on?! Well, I'll be damned, maybe communicating with the dead isn't that far fetched after all... Clearly, anything is possible. Or was possible. Finally, finally, finally, this crap pile has been sent to the grave. Or has it? In a truly bizarre turn of events, I'm hearing rumors that ABC is considering picking up the show... Annnd we're back to anything being possible. Even truly, truly horrible anythings. (In the interest of full disclosure, I've never seen an entire episode. Not that that should be seen as any sort of ringing endorsement, but I guess there's a chance the show got 8 million times better after I bowed out 10 minutes in... again, anything is apparently possible.)

Three Rivers
...died a long time ago, for the same reasons listed under CBS's other pathetic attempt at adding a medical show to their line-up (cough Miami Medical cough)...

Accidentally of Purpose
...seriously will not be missed. I barely made it through the pilot. Awful. Simply awful.

Cold Case
This was a show? I always kind of thought it was a subtitle to another show. You know, like Law & Order: Cold Case. Right? Oh, silly me, it might actually be on the air next season if that were case...

Numb3rs
I can't believe this show lasted this long. But, it has (sorry, had) a Whedonverse alum at the helm, so I'm glad it survived for however many years it survived (can you tell I was loyal viewer, or what). On the other hand, shows that do cutesy things with their titles deserve to die swift deaths, David Krumholz notwithstanding... It's about time he moved on to bigger and better things... that involve Joss Whedon... seriously, I'll take anything these days. (I assume everyone saw his episode of Glee last night, right? AWESOME. He needs to direct EVERY episode of Glee, that's all there is to it. For the first time in a long time, the story and the music melded together seamlessly. Well done, Joss. Well done, indeed.