Poor Lucrezia

It's a sudsy, tawdry, slightly soapy affair, but I find that I'm totally digging The Borgias. Oh, sure, its based on historical fact that way that the Miss America Pageant is a "scholarship program," but that doesn't make it any less enjoyable. If I really wanted an accurate historical account of the papacy, I'd... wait, I can't think of a set of circumstances under which I'd want that... Don't get me wrong, I watch more historical documentaries than just about anyone, but Catholicism doesn't exactly make my skirt fly up. The Catholicism of The Borgias certainly would, and then some I'm sure, but that's neither here nor there.


More to the point, I don't know enough about this family or the papacy to be able to point out every historical error, so I don't really care. It's a drama that happens to be set in Rome, 1492. More than anything, I think historical dramas work because they provide a different context for storytelling. I'm always a little surprised when shows like this do well in the ratings (The Borgias and Game of Thrones have both been picked up for a second season), but ultimately it makes sense. We've all seen the same kinds of shows, in the same settings, with the same stock characters a thousand times. If you've seen one crime procedural, medical show, legal show, or family drama, you've seen them all. Seemingly, every story has been done, every character explored, and every once original idea worn down to the point of cliche. Setting a show in the past or future or parallel universe or whatever gives the writers a new set of rules to play by, new constraints within which their characters have to work, and a different social and political landscape to navigate. Are the characters of a period piece all that fundamentally different from modern characters? Not really, but they're faced with situations that we don't see every day, so they seem more unique and more original by association. The only current, modern setting I can think of that has had a similar effect on me is with Justified. Classic characters, but when set in rural Kentucky, it feels like a whole new ball game.

The time and setting make for a fresher narrative than usual, but that also sets the stage for some disturbingly accurate historical occurrences. I mentioned how unsettling the storyline for Lucrezia (and Daenerys in Thrones, in a shocking parallel) was elsewhere on this blog, but holy hell Sunday's episode was hard to watch. Seriously, between Lucrezia and Daenerys, I've never been so thrilled to live in the current day and age and that I'm not a doe-eyed blond teenage girl who's been married off to some brute for political gain. Man alive, their stories are hauntingly similar and just as difficult to watch. I spent the better part of each episode cringing, particularly with poor Lucrezia.

Rape is never a comfortable subject to address, but with the historical setting, it somehow makes it even more unsettling. Not only was Lucrezia raped by her husband several times during the episode, but in terms of the norms of the day, not only was that probably pretty common, but largely accepted. Submitting to the sometimes violent sexual proclivities of a husband was part of a woman's "marital duties." Indeed, the idea of a wife being raped by her husband is a pretty new concept. I can't remember the specific dates, but it wasn't even on the books as a possibility, let alone a crime, until the 20the century. This knowledge made the injustice even harder to endure. That said, I was very pleased to see that even in the setting of the show, this isn't how it's supposed to be. It may not be a crime technically, but everyone knows that it's wrong. When Lucrezia is being bathed by her servant and she asks her what she knows of marriage, I think the servant echoed the audience's sentiments exactly in responding, "It should not be thus." Damn straight. God, that poor girl. Holliday Grainger, who plays Lucrezia, is devastatingly convincing in her terror and agony during the rapes. Just the look in her face as her husband is approaching the bed was heartbreaking enough. Were this to continue for many episodes to come, I'm not sure I'd be able to keep going.

Enter Paulo, stage right. Paulo, who is played by the delectable Luke Pasqualino, is kind of my hero after this episode. I loved this actor in Skins (he played Freddie--I specify because with the new, unfortunate period haircut, I hardly recognized him) and its so nice to see him back on the air. It was nice to see that he recognized how horrifyingly Lucrezia had been treated and totally on board with any plan that would end her pain. As though I didn't love him enough for reminding me of his awesomeness on Skins, Paulo was just so adorably casual about his, "You know, I could... adjust... his saddle for you," plan that I couldn't help but to smile. That smile turned to all out sadistic snickering as the doctor reset Sforza's broken left after a freak riding accident. The look on Lucrezia's face when her servant (stifling a smile) told her that her lord had been injured was classic. Best of all, after watching several scenes of Lucrezia counting until the rape was over, Lucrezia got to count down to the searing pain of a bone being reset. Awesome. And, kind of a genius plan. For all intents and purposes, Sforza is going to be in agony for many months to come and Lucrezia will be safe, all while her marriage still aids her fathers bid for absolute power.

Speaking of, I was glad they addressed why Lucrezia hadn't contacted her family about the abuse. From the first rape, I was basically yelling at the TV for Lucrezia to send a letter to Cesare or her father so this would end, but enduring the torture is Lucrezia's way of helping her beloved father. I'd have said to hell with his empire and contacted Cesare immediately, but that's me. It's hard to put people's actions into the full context of the show because it's so removed from modernity. It's part of what makes period pieces interesting to watch. For a modern setting, it's easier to put yourself in the shoes of the characters and reliably predict the outcome. For a 15th century setting, it's harder to nail down character motivations and options. For Lucrezia, enduring the repeated rapes or calling for help was a difficult decision to make and it's one where she chose her family over her own safety. Put this situation in a modern context and I'd be horrified that the battered wife hadn't gotten the hell out of there immediately. For the Borgias, its a while other situation. Were Lucrezia to call up Cesare (who, I have no doubt, would gut Sforza like a fish for this), it would undermine her father's empire building and could potentially bring down her entire family as a result. It's a situation that makes Paulo's plan all the more genius. Brutally breaking Sforza's leg in an "accident" means that Lucrezia gets the best of both worlds. Her husband is too injured to harm her and her father retains the support of Sforza's armies. Don't get me wrong, I'm still hoping that his leg gets horribly infected and that sick, twisted bastard dies a slow, agonizing, grotesque death, but at least Lucrezia is safe for now.

I'm more than a little worried for what this all means for Paulo though. Based on the previews for episodes to come, Lucrezia and Paulo will begin an affair and I'm already worried about Sforza finding out. I'm thrilled at the idea of Lucrezia having a positive sexual experience with someone as wonderful and attractive as Paulo, but I think the fallout is going to be brutal. I have a sinking feeling that Sforza is going to find out about the affair, kill Paulo, and threaten to destroy Lucrezia. I'm predicting that this will be the final straw and Lucrezia will call on Cesare to help. Somehow, some way, there's going to be a showdown between Sforza and Cesare, I'm sure of it. They've done so much foreshadowing in that regard to have nothing come of it. The sooner the better, I say. Cesare is becoming more and more of a badass with each episode and I would love to see him go toe-to-toe with Sforza.

Speaking of Cesare and Lucrezia, the potentially inappropriate nature of their relationship doesn't bother me at all. Logically, the idea of incest is beyond icky, but in terms of this show, it doesn't seem so off-putting. As with Game of Thrones, the actualities of marriage are so horrifying, so disturbing, and so violent, that it makes the idea of siblings having sex much more palatable. Geez, at least siblings care about each other and generally have their sibling's best interests at heart. All these non-incestuous relationships are making it seem like a much more viable option. Along with that, I think that knowing full well that these people aren't related in real life is making me much more comfortable with the whole notion than I should be. To boot, the incestuous underpinnings were established right from the start, so it's not like viewers grew to know and love these characters as brothers and sisters over time and then were met with the notion of incest. Neither Game of Thrones nor The Borgias gave viewers much time to get to know these characters before this was an issue, so it's not really an issue at all. Quite frankly, with all the perverseness going on, incest just seems like par for the course.

I was going to keep rambling, but I just accidentally posted the incomplete version of this, so I guess I'll just call it a day. Final note? The relationship between Cesare and Lucrezia may not actually be incestuous, but did anyone else notice that his new paramour looks a hell of a lot like his sister? Yeah, that's no accident. Cesare, as much as I enjoy watching you liberate what's-her-name by killing her husband, you really need to take those skills and apply them to your sister's marriage.

Who's the Boss? (Medieval Edition)

In spite of my total lack of knowledge of the book series, I found myself pretty excited for HBO's adaptation of George R. R. Martin's multi-volume epic Game of Thrones. As it turns out, the excitement was well-warranted. Unfortunately, my unfamiliarity with the books and the massive breadth covered by the first episode means that this review is easily going to be one of the hardest I've ever written. Not life-in-the-world-of-the-show hard, of course, but that's a rather high, rather blood-soaked bar.

The first episode was essentially three shows in one, with the narrative focusing on several separate peoples and places. Add to that the fact that within each of these locales there exists a complicated web of allies and enemies, a thousand-year-old Redwood of a family tree, half and full siblings galore, and sexual pairings that span from contractual to incestuous. It's a lot to process and there's really no chance that I'll be able to do it full justice. As such, below are mostly generalities and musings because I'll be damned if I can remember everyone's name or family relationship. I honestly have a pretty good understanding of the structure of everything, so it's more a matter of spelling people's names and remember which kingdom they're from.

I had an unexpected reaction to Game of Thrones. I mean, I thoroughly enjoyed it, but there were certain aspects that were off-putting, as I'll explain later on (and surprisingly, the incest wasn't one of those aspects). It's a truly grand production with incredible sets and locations, a cast of hundreds (it seems), and a budget to rival many Hollywood feature films. At this point in the story there are at least three seemingly disparate narratives going on, but it's clear that they'll begin to intersect as the battle for control reaches a head. The world created is rich and diverse with each culture exhibiting its own qualities and values. In short, there's a cold, wintry land to the North where a wall is in place to protect the country from outsiders (and hopefully all manner of pseudo-supernatural elements). To the South is the home of the Stark family (at least I think that's where the lived... I'm not sure where the Lannisters hail from, but apparently it ain't where the Starks are from), a green landscape with old growth forests that most closely resembles Medieval Britain. Then there's a warm Mediterranean location inhabited by extras from Mad Max (but, you know, on horseback) and a pair of exiled siblings who are eager to return to their homeland and reclaim the throne (theirs are the names I'm having the hardest time remembering). Each of these places has its own tone and texture and is home to numerous characters. It's a lot to take in in only an hour, but for the most part, the producers did a hell of a job conveying the harsh realities of each of these worlds in as economic a fashion as possible. It would be way too difficult and time-consuming to enumerate all the wonderful aspects of the show, so just assume it was excellent overall.

That said, I think the constraints of telling a story on television rather than in a lengthy novel were the root of the few issues I had with the show. Each of these places and families was easily interesting enough to have their own show, so to see their narratives chopped up into thirds was a little unsatisfying. I'm sure once these stories begin to overlap the transitions back and forth will seem more fluid, but with only the first episode, it felt more like I would get sucked into one storyline only to be transported across the sea to an entirely different group of people who, at this point, have absolutely nothing to do with the people I was just watching. I think my dissatisfaction with this aspect has more to do with me than anything else. I love a good, slow burn, and I'm more than happy to allow for set-up, but I found certain storylines more intriguing than others, so to be pulled away from one and tossed back into the other was mildly irksome. By the end of the pilot I was invested in all aspects of every locale, but with only an hour to work with, none of them seemed to be given their due. I suppose when it all boils down, I would have preferred that each family be afforded an hour of their own, but I'm sure the splicing will grow on me as the show progresses.

The world(s) established by the series are both familiar and foreign at the same time. It's all incredibly brutal and gritty, but some of the overlap between the prosaic and the other-worldly spun me the wrong way. Don't get me wrong, names like Ned, Robert, Jaime, Catelyn, and was-that-youngest-son-really-named-Brandon? are easier to remember, but in the world of the show, they seemed oddly out of place. When stacked up alongside names like Cersei, Viserys, Sansa, Tyrion, and Kahl Drogo, it just seemed like an odd melange of past and present, near and far. Beyond that, some of the dialogue seemed Medieval in structure and cadence, but other exchanges seemed completely modern. In a world of kings and dragons and magic, I just wasn't expecting certain verbiage. For example, I actually looked up the historical uses for "fuck" and found that it dates back to the mid 16th century. Were this Elizabethan England, I think it would have felt appropriate, but Game of Thrones had a much more 12th or 13th century feel to it and the usage felt out of place (or about 300 years too early). These are all rather minor quibbles, and they're easy enough to overlook, but it just struck me as odd creative choices to be made on the parts of the writers and producers. Maybe the blend is exactly what they were striving for, and it does give the production a particular feel, but however intentional, every now and then I'd have a "Wait, what? Did he really just say that?" kind of moment and it was a bit jarring. Add to that the often clunky plot exposition and the stunning brilliance of other aspects of the show were a bit tarnished. Seriously, at one point, the Stark family is watching the arrival of the Lannister family and the youngest Stark daughter Arya literally starts naming them and their relation to everyone else. Helpful? Yes. Organic to the story? Sadly, no. "That's Cersei, wife of the king and twin sister to Jaime," she says, to which her sister hisses, "Will you shut up!" All I could think was, "But sister, it's plot exposition, it has to go somewhere!" I can see where it's necessary, but it could have been achieved in a much subtler way.

Another aspect that I had a hard time with was the role of women on the show. I realize that this is set in another time and place, one most akin to the Middle Ages, and that in that setting, women weren't afforded much status or respect, but that doesn't make scenes like the gigantic, muscle-bound leader of a band of barbarians raping his teenage bride any easier to watch. Although on the show, Daenerys (I had to look it up) is played by an adult, as I understand it, in the book, this character is only 13. It was disturbing enough watching this happen to an adult, but the thought of a 13-year-old being sold into such a situation was stomach-turning. Again, I realize that that it part of the set-up and it absolutely makes sense in terms of the narrative, but it's still hard to watch. Maybe it's that between The Borgias and Game of Thrones I'm experiencing an overload rape and debasement of these poor female characters, but it's getting harder and harder to endure. You know these women have it rough in the world of Game of Thrones when the only sex scene that wasn't based in rape or prostitution was one of incest between twin brother and sister Jaime and Cersei. Honestly, having seen what sex between newly married and non-related couples is like for women, hooking up with your twin brother somehow seems the least exploitative and the most consensual of all. It managed to be the only sex scene the was actually sexy. How twisted is that? I ran across one commenter on the show wondering if the fact that Jaime and Cersei are twins makes it less icky or more icky. I can't believe I'm actually having this argument with myself, but I say less icky, and I'll tell you why! Twins are the same age, so at the very least, you don't have an older sibling exploiting a younger sibling. Right? Whatever their genetic relationship may be, Jaime and Cersei seemed to be the only sexual encounter that had any semblance of equality about it. When your brother shoves a 10-year-old out a window on behalf of your affair, that's gotta be love, right? In related news, a lot of people on the web seemed shocked that Jaime shoved him out the window, but I saw it coming from a mile away. Regardless, it was a pretty powerful way to close out the first episode, and gave viewers a keen insight into Jaime and "the thing's [he'll] do for love." Oh, Jaime Lannister. Pretty? Absolutely. Ethically grounded? Not so much... (Although honestly, who hasn't at least considered shoving a troublesome 10 year old out a window? Just me? Really?! Liars.)

Alas, I have no doubt that horror is exactly what both of these shows were aiming for in terms of the treatment of women, and in that case, mission accomplished. In that day and age, women weren't really considered people and more than anything were a means of allying one family with another in a political bid for power. As a woman and a feminist, seeing these characters as little more than bargaining chips is incredibly disconcerting. At the same time, it makes for an interesting dynamic, and it's one that I'm really only exposed to in period pieces, so if nothing else, it's something different. In spite of the constraints, there are some very strong, influential female characters and I'm hopeful that they'll go against the grain. I'm not sure how much more subjugation I can muster, so the roles of Catelyn Stark and Cersei seemed the most promising (or at very least, not quite as unbearably depressing as all the other women of the show). It's probably just a matter of me being more attuned to the portrayals of women in television, but this was one element of the show that I found disappointing. For every female character who appears to be fairly well-rounded and interesting, there's a stock character that we've seen a million times before. While the dynamic among the Stark brothers is classic in its own right, it's also deep and engaging. The sisters? Well, we have the spunky youngest daughter who's a tomboy (yes, they actually had a scene of her ditching her needlepoint class so that she could one-up her brother at archery) and the older sister who's shallow and prissy and only concerned with marrying well. Sigh. Again, I realize that in this particular world there aren't a whole lot of options for women, but at the same time, it felt like they were mostly an afterthought. Perhaps it was more a matter of how they were presented onscreen, but I found them predictable and underwhelming compared to their male counterparts. Here's hoping for more depth in the future. The initial set-up was less-than-enthralling, but it lends itself to something more robust down the road, so I'm hopeful.

I'm making it sound like I didn't enjoy the show nearly as much as I did. Again, to spell out all the ways in which Game of Thrones is spectacular would take ages. Incredible cast, captivating mythology, political maneuvering, sex, betrayal, power, and death. What more could you ask for, really? Well, aside from my fleeting concerns listed above, not much. It drew me in immediately and didn't let go. In spite of some niggling concerns here and there, it's a beautifully crafted work that would hold up against any cinematic achievement. I may not know how to spell your name, bizarrely blond and creepy brother of that poor girl who got married off to the horse guy, but I'm totally invested in your storyline anyways.

Some random musings and whatnot on the show:

• Peter Dinklage is simply awesome as Tyrion Lannister. Granted, he spent the better part of the first episode whoring around, I think his character will prove to be far more influential than the other characters would anticipate. Being a dwarf, he cannot rely on brute force to achieve his ends, so he must use his wits. I liked that he equated himself with John Snow (the bastard son of the king) in terms of status and opportunity and that John didn't even kind of see the parallel until it was spelled out to him.
  
  
• Sean Bean is a power-player to the nth degree and heads the Stark family with authority and cool resolve. He also seems to be one of the more morally grounded characters, but I suspect that may change. It was mainly nice to see Boromir back in action. Hey, he's found his niche and he's going to stick with it. Can't says I blame him.
  
  
• As I understand it, young Bran Stark survives plummeting to his not-death. He's credited for several more episodes than just the pilot, and my sister confirms that he lives, but I don't see how that's possible. I mean, there's a magical undercurrent to the show, but I'm not sure "undercurrent" is going to be enough to reset 106 bones, stem the massive internal bleeding, and restart his heart. And lungs. And brain...
  
  
• It is so, so, SO very nice to see Nikolaj Coster-Waldau (Jaime Lannister) in a show that's actually worth watching. Don't get me wrong, it's nice to see him in any capacity, but when it's a show that revolves around an immortal homicide detective who solves crimes using his powers of... being really old... Yeah, no, I'd much rather he sleep with his twin sister and murder people, thanks. What can I say? He and his sister make a cute couple and I think Bran had it coming.
  
  
• The opening credits are absolutely stunning. A great title sequence can really set the tone for the show you're about to watch, and Game of Thrones did a masterful job. It's a striking blend of old world runes and symbols, the progress of city building, nature, and technology in a medium that almost looks like origami or an erector set. Once again, I'm not doing any of this justice. Just watch it here. However one might describe it, it establishes the many different realms of the show and gives a feeling of "ever-upward" that I think is reflected in the drive for power and control on the show. Build and conquer. You win or you die.
  
  
• I have a DVD recorder that I often use to transfer shows from my DVR to disk for friends. Well, it's a brave new world, peeps, and TV has gotten too smart for its own good. I have recently tried to put Justified and Game of Thrones on disks and was met with an angry message about it being protected content so I couldn't record it. Oh for hells sakes, I put these shows on disks so that I can get MORE PEOPLE TO WATCH YOUR SHOWS! Do you really think there aren't other ways of getting this content out there? Do you really have to cramp my style like this? Oy.
  
  
• This show is VERY expensive and but for the grace of HBO, it never would have seen the light of day. It has already been picked up for a second season, so, as with Boardwalk Empire before it, I have no reservations about getting invested because I know that it'll be here for the long haul. Kudos, HBO. Kudos.
  

Winter is coming, and for once, I can't wait for it to get here.

Pilot Grade: A-

Week-In-Review 4.3

Still sick as a dog, but here we are. To add insult to injury, the CW kinda sorta really sucks at their job. Seriously, you guys have one thing to do and you just can't seem to do it. Pathetic.

TV Cross-Connection of the Week: Grandma Florrick on The Good Wife was Grams on Dawson’s Creek
Given that she's basically playing the exact same character, I really should have realized it sooner, but no.

Best Impression: Jon Stewart as Glenn Beck
Jon Stewart is my hero. Period.

Worst Way to Go: Cheese Cutter Garrote on The Borgias… or was it the half-assed poison?
Upon reflection, regarding the cheese wire decapitation of the guard, even Ceseare was like, “Yeah, let’s not do that anymore… Oh no, keep killing people, just not like that.” Although the poisoning didn’t exactly go according to plan, what with the writhing in agony for hours and ultimately having to be smothered with a pillow. (In case you missed it, this show isn’t exactly a huge fan of subtlety. Or people living very long.)

Biggest Whiners: The Chicago Code
In general, I would sympathize with those suffering from a heat wave, but as I gaze out my window at the snow falling, my only thought is: Heat wave? Yes, please.

Most Believable Copping: Theresa on The Chicago Code
So often with cop shows, when it comes to actual policing, the actors are either over the top or totally unconvincing. But when Theresa Colvin tells you to put the gun down, you put the gun down. Nice job, you maniac, you.

Cartooniest Progression: Barney on HIMYM… or was it Lily?
Sigh. This season of HIMYM has been a hell of a lot better than last, but the characters are quickly becoming caricatures. That ridiculous and irritating storyline with Barney and the meatball sub was just lame. This season, it seems that Barney is either a total cartoon or is brooding over emotional baggage. That’s a fine line to walk and it’s not really working. What’s worse, he’s not the only one. What the hell happened to Lily? I used to adore her, but now? I’m with TVWithoutPity on this one, “Lily was once a likable, semi-rational character on #HIMYM, wasn't she? It's been so long, it's hard to remember.” I think the show’s next set of flashbacks should be back to seasons 1 and 2 when I actually liked these people.

Most Disappointing Season Finale: Being Human US
A lackluster end to a meh season. The show kept having glimmers of potential, but very few were realized. Maybe if I hadn’t seen the UK version I’d have been more enamored of this one, but at every turn, I couldn’t help but to think of how the UK version handled a storyline in invariably better ways. The US version just feels like one missed opportunity after another. The pilot was quite promising, but it ultimately let me down.

Best Season Finale: Being Human UK
Okay, given that the US and UK versions of Being Human were the only finales this week, the bar was set pretty low, but even if it were stacked up against an entire slate of finales, the UK version would hold its own. Wow. US version, take a lesson.

Worst Parenting: Basically the entire cast of Parenthood
I keep trying to not hate this show, because it does have its good points, but overall, it’s just irritating as hell. If I had grown up with any of these people as my parents, I’d have made a run for it at age 6. Each member of the cast is more ridiculous than the last and the level of cheese they’re injecting into every episode would put those Cheez-It commercials to shame.

Biggest Heartbreaker: Alicia on The Good Wife
The ramifications of Kalinda’s affair with Peter have already been theorized on this blog, and even though I knew it was coming, it was still tough to watch. The writers of this show are so, so good. Just as Alicia puts the pieces together and realizes that her husband slept with her (now) best friend, the room full of Peter’s supporters break into For He’s a Jolly Good Fellow. Ouch. My friend Jahn tends to crucify Kalinda for not telling Alicia, but in all honestly, I don’t think anyone would, let alone Kalinda. For probably the first time in her life, she’s not in complete control of information and she doesn’t know what to do. I really think that deep down, Kalinda was sure that somehow, some way, she could keep this under wraps. Based on precedent, she must be pretty astounded that she couldn’t.

Second Biggest Heartbreaker/Couple I Never Knew I Wanted Together: Eli and Natalie on The Good Wife
How’s that for an odd couple? And yet, I find myself hoping that America Ferrera shows up again in the future. I’m as shocked as you are. On paper, the thought of them as a romantic pairing is kind of ridiculous, but in reality, it works amazingly well.

Best Kiss: Boyd and Ava on Justified
The thought of Boyd and Ava ever getting together was an impossibility during season 1, but with the current season, it makes perfect sense. The actors have wonderful chemistry together and I’m excited to see how things play out. I’m also glad to see that Ava will have more to do than hang around the house all day. Of course, know Ava, that probably just means she’ll get kidnapped. For the third time.

Most Addictive New Website: Cute Roulette
You know, in case there was ever a threat of me getting things done at work...

Meh-iest New Show: Happy Endings As per the AV Club, #HappyEndings: "Hard to hate. Also hard to love." It wasn’t really all that funny, but in terms of half-hour sitcoms, it was by no means the worst thing I’ve seen. I guess it could potentially turn into something more memorable, but at this point, it’s just another in a long line of Friends rip-offs that can’t quite get off the ground. Plus, it has Elisha Cuthbert in it, so that’s prohibitive right there. Pilot Grade: C+

Unjust-est Elimination: Sue on Top Chef Masters
Okay, I realize that there’s really no way that Sue was going to win the competition or anything, but to eliminate her because the show didn’t provide enough kitchen space or equipment for her to cook? That’s just ridiculous. She and Suvir totally got screwed on this one. I found myself growing more and more pissed off as the episode progressed. Dear Top Chef, it’s fine to throw crazy challenges at them, but for hell’s sake, at least give them a chance of succeeding. Ridiculous. Instead of expressing your condolences to participants for the crappy conditions, here’s a novel idea, FIX THE CONDITIONS!

Worst Local Affiliate: CW30
Holy hell, this has to stop! My local CW affiliate has a long and aggravating history of sucking at their jobs, but last night was the final straw. I’ve endured many years of shows having occasional weird audio, visual screw-ups, and whatnot, but cutting off the last half of The Vampire Diaries and the first half of Nikita with an episode of That 70s Show is way over the line. The audio was screwed up from minute one, so I should have known that someone was asleep at the wheel. Again. Maybe they’ve started hiring ex-air traffic controllers… Long story short, I didn’t really get to watch either show, which in my universe, is tantamount to death by firing squad. I went to bed at 10 o’clock. That’s just sad.

**Quotes of the Week**

“No surprise. Mental illness can be fascinating. RT @thewrap: #ExtremeCouponing Debut Pays Off Big for TLC.”
-- TVWithoutPity, via twitter. Those couponers are insane. I will happily pay full price for every item in the store if it means I don’t have to take three binders full of little scraps of paper to the store and then follow a detailed game plan during checkout. If they spent half the time working that they spend preparing to hit the Safeway, they’d have enough money to not worry about finding a great deal. These people are basically organized hoarders. Not that people don’t need 68 bottles of mustard at a time…

“Belated congrats to Robert Sean Leonard on his impending escape from #House. Never look back.”
-- TVWithoutPity via twitter. Word.

“Caroline was frantically trying to figure out the Matt situation. She hadn't seen or heard from him ever since she came clean about being a vampire the night before. So then there she was trying to place a very important phone call using a hands-free device in a PARKED CAR? Come on, weirdo! Also, quit it, Ford. Nobody wants to buy a Fiesta. Or maybe we should Bing it?”
--Price Peterson for tv.com, skewering the omnipresent and obnoxious product placements in The Vampire Diaries.

“Don’t confuse me with your reasonableness.”
--Castle

Kalinda: “What do you think?”
Will: "I think she's fantastic."
Kalinda: "I think she just won him the election."
Will: "Probably."
Kalinda: "You should tell her how fantastic she is."
Will: "She knows."
Kalinda: "You should tell her. People like to be told."
--The Good Wife. Methinks this is Kalinda’s way of softening the blow to Alicia about the affair. Hey, at least she’s got Will, right? Good luck with that...

“Pray for me.”
--Michael Ausiello, via twitter, preparing for THIS. Godspeed, good buddy.

“I am so glad Nikolaj Coster-Waldau has finally hired out his pretty face to a respectable TV show. The failed pilot parade was getting sad.”
--JenniferArrow, via twitter. Just one of the many reasons I’m excited for Game of Thrones.

“My name is Boyd Crowder. You can come after me if you like, but it’ll be the last thing you ever do.”
--Justified. I am beyond stoked for a return of Bad Boyd. You’ve been missed.

“Joss Whedon is no Michael Bay. Thank goodness for that. An Avengers film made with a ‘bigger is better’ mentality is the last thing we need.”
--Matthew Hurd at popmatters.com. Hear, hear!

“Remember how they claimed LOST needed an end date because there was a planned ending in mind? HAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHA. Man, that was rich.”
--JenniferArrow via twitter. I haven’t actually finished Lost yet, but I can already tell that this is where we’re headed. It’s half the reason I’m having such a hard time powering through. It’s already spinning its wheels and I still have over two seasons to get through.

“I remember when I was growing up, the rule was, ‘Don’t call anyone after 10 p.m.,’ ” Mr. Adler said. “Now the rule is, ‘Don’t call anyone. Ever.’ ”
--quote from a New York Times article by Pamela Paul.

“But heaven forbid you actually have to listen — especially to voice mail. The standard “let the audience know this person is a loser” scene in movies where the forlorn heroine returns from a night of cat-sitting to an answering machine that bleats “you have no messages” would cause confusion with contemporary viewers. Who doesn’t heave a huge sigh of relief to find there’s no voice mail? Is it worth punching in a protracted series of codes and passwords to listen to some three-hour-old voice say, “call me” when you could glance at caller ID and return the call — or better yet, e-mail back instead?”
--Pamela Paul, again. It’s a really good article (linked above). I hate the phone. Indeed, if there were a way that I could just play excerpts from that article as my voicemail message at work, I certainly would.

Ask Matt

Someday I'll actually get back to maintaining this blog as I have in the past, but that might be a couple weeks off. Till then, my favorite television critic, Matt Roush, has included a couple of my questions in his weekly column. I know that I've sung his praises on numerous occasions, so I'll try to rein this in, but he really is one of my most trusted sources. He has excellent taste and makes wonderful suggestions, critiques, and observations. And, he's not currently dying, so he's considerably better at keeping up with his site than I. Here's the latest:

Question: Showtime's drama Shameless started off a little shaky and uneven in my opinion, but as the show found its footing, it really turned into a fine ensemble drama. As season 1 came to a close, the overall quality, narrative drive and character dynamics drew me in in ways I hadn't expected. That said, I was a little disappointed with the season finale. Where episodes like "But at Last Came a Knock" and "Nana Gallagher Had an Affair" had me chomping at the bit (and my fingernails), the finale seemed a little anticlimactic. I guess after the season they've had, I expected the stakes to be a lot higher in the end. There really were some lovely and interesting moments, but overall, it just didn't seem to pack the narrative punch of previous episodes. 

In the plus column, Emmy Rossum (Fiona) has proven to be a surprise power-player, outshining the likes of William H. Macy. I was also quite impressed by scene-stealers Cameron Monaghan (Ian) and Jeremy Allen White (Lip), whose individual storylines were second only to their joint storylines. Most surprising of all would have to be Emma Kenney's turn as Debbie. I'm generally not too fond of child actors, but pound for pound, the pint-sized 10-year-old had more classic one-liners than anyone else on the show. The finale didn't strike a chord the way I had expected (as the camera panned away from Fiona, I honestly thought it would reveal someone or something surprising on the street — it just didn't sit right for the episode to be ending), but overall, I think Shameless turned into one of my favorite programs. Anyway, I haven't heard much about the show in your column in quite a while and I'm wondering if you stuck with it past the iffy early episodes and what you thought of its freshman season if you did. — Lacy

Matt Roush: I haven't made it yet to the end of what seemed to be a very uneven freshman season for Shameless — though since it was renewed, I will probably catch up with some of the episodes (perhaps the ones you singled out) before its return — but I agree with you 100% that the remarkable Emmy Rossum and her scruffy siblings were the best reason to watch.

Question: I was thrilled to see that you're enjoying The Killing as much as I am. It's dark and serious and understated, but utterly compelling. With the tone of the show in mind, I was wondering what you think of the interactive online fan-builder touted at the end of the show. Maybe I'm just taking the show too seriously, but I think it's completely misguided, and although I realize that this is fiction, it almost seemed insensitive to the Larsen family in a way. Maybe it was just that the voice pitching the online features was too enthusiastic or something, but after a truly haunting couple of episodes, it struck me as extremely odd.

 I think the producers are kidding themselves if they think viewers who just watched the devastation of these characters and who have embraced the macabre nature of the subject matter would want to excitedly hop online to trade theories with other fans, view suspect profiles, and worse of all, take a virtual tour of Rosie's bedroom. Seriously? How twisted is that? Take a tour of her room? You mean the room where her mother, near catatonic with grief, is huddled on her late daughter's bed, clutching Rosie's last earthly possessions because that's all she has left? That room? Um, no thanks.

I can understand where the producers (or the network or whoever is behind it) were hoping that The Killing might turn into watercooler gossip the following morning, with fans discussing "Who killed Rosie Larsen?" with as much fervor as the ad campaign clearly hopes, but I just don't see that happening. This isn't the bizarre fate of Laura Palmer, the soap opera pursuit of who shot JR, or even the quirky teen noir of Veronica Mars, and I really can't imagine gabbing with friends about the fate of Rosie Larsen. This production is a searing character piece with haunting undertones, looking at the ramifications of a young girl's agonizing death, not a sudsy whodunit. Rather than a "watercooler fodder" type of show, it seems more like a "stare blankly out a window and ponder the cruelty and brevity of life" kind of show. Am I just putting way too much gravity on this or do you think the advertising strategy is off the mark? — Lacy

Matt Roush: I admit, I wasn't even aware of this gimmick. Getting screeners in advance, I'm not always watching the on-air broadcast of a show like this, and I don't pay much attention to the marketing/hype that surrounds it. But this does sound tone deaf, to say the least. Might be suitable for something as goofily pervy as Pretty Little Liars, but The Killing is for adults. Still, it's the sort of thing that it seems to me can easily be tuned out — and maybe there is a dedicated mystery-fan following that will want to play along. I can't really blame AMC for trying to make some noise with this show and to milk their investment with ancillary online tie-ins, but I agree this creepy story is much grounded in realism than Twin Peaks with its wacky cast of characters, and this voyeuristic approach may smack many as being of bad taste. My advice: Put the TV on mute when it goes to these promos and wallow in the emotion, not the promotion.

Pilot Catch-Up

Well, it's been a bad week, peeps. Not for TV, but for me. I've been slowly dying and just haven't had the time or the energy to maintain this here blog as I prefer. As such, this is going to be a rather jumbled, slightly half-assed round-up of new pilots. I wasn't going to do one at all, but a hell of a lot has been going on while I've been circling the drain.

I'm going to skip the week-in-review this week because I don't know how closely I was paying attention to my shows anyways. In short, Justified and The Good Wife are the best shows on TV, Margo Martindale deserves an Emmy for her amazing turn as Mags Bennet, Matt Czuchry also deserves an Emmy for not cracking up while talking to the Glenn Childs lion (seriously, The Good Wife is not only the best drama on network TV, it's also completely hilarious when it wants to be--I've got to get me one of those lions immediately), and I'm beyond thrilled to finally get The Vampire Diaries and Nikita back. Things are getting very interesting on Nikita, you know, for the 9 of us who watch the show... Oh, and speaking of small groups of which I am a member, I'm one of the very few who not only has heard of Reelz Channel, but who also gets it. I watched maybe 2 minutes of The Kennedys and that was plenty. Katie Holmes is simply atrocious as Jackie. Take a moment and let the shock wear off.

The Borgias
I had every intention of writing a thorough review of this one, but it hit right about the time my illness did. As such, here's the short short version, where I skip all the plot summary and in-depth character analysis. It's an impressively made show, and certainly has its assets, but it wasn't quite what I'd hoped it would be. For a show about sex, murder, betrayal, and power-plays, it was a bit dull in places. It doesn't rely on subtlety in any way, shape, or form, so it should have been an over-the-top guilty pleasure, but it was rather more sedate than anticipated. Maybe the papacy just isn't my bad (shocking, I know), but I'm hopeful it'll draw me in more once I get to know the characters. I'm a huge fan of historical documentaries, but this is based in reality in only the most fleeting of ways. That said, I did learn that Pope Innocent VIII was rumored to have more than a dozen children just in time to get a Jeopardy question right, so it's not completely without historical merit. A couple of things I noted: Why the hell do they all sound English? A family of Spaniards, living in Italy, apparently sound like Jane Austen warmed over? Oookay. That always annoys the hell out of me. Especially when every single character has a different English accent, even though they're supposedly in the same family. I'm rather attuned to dialect, so this drives me nuts. Also of note, there's an obvious incest vibe between the eldest brother and his younger sister. I don't know why exactly, but not only am I totally fine with that, but I'm kind of eager to see those two crazy kids get together. How twisted is that? I think it's that the show did absolutely nothing to establish a brother-sister relationship before they had them interacting in a very non-brotherly-sisterly kind of way. Again, subtlety wasn't on the menu for this show, so they threw it out there with reckless abandon. So, to sum up the review of The Borgias... incest has never looked so appealing? Yeah, I'll give you two guesses as to the romantic pairing I'm talking about in the photo, and it ain't Jeremy Irons and the church...

Pilot Grade for The Borgias: B-

The Killing
This one I'm particularly bummed about not being able to write a complete review. The Killing was beautiful, understated, and heartbreaking. As you'd expect from AMC, the writing it deliberate and engaging, and the narrative set-up isn't quite what you'd expect. Even though this show centers on the death of young girl, a concept we've all seen too many times to count, it's done in a sobering, enigmatic way that draws you in without being over the top. Aside from the misguided and misleading promotional campaign for the show, there's very little to complain about. It's a lot slower paced and more depressing than your standard fare, so if you're looking for a sudsy whodunit, you may want to look elsewhere, but I think it's well-worth the effort. The acting is superb, and even though the lead actress looks like she should be winning the sixth grade spelling bee, not solving horrific murders, she totally pulls it off. I have written to my darling Matt Roush regarding the off-putting promotional tactics for the show as such:

I was thrilled to see that you’re enjoying The Killing as much as I am. It’s dark and serious and understated, but utterly compelling. With the tone of the show in mind, I was wondering what you think of the interactive online fan-builder touted at the end of the show. Maybe I’m just taking the show too seriously, but I think it’s completely misguided, and although I realize that this is fiction, it almost seemed insensitive to the Larsen family in a way. Maybe it was just that the voice pitching the online features was too enthusiastic or something, but after a truly haunting couple of episodes, it struck me as extremely odd. I think the producers are kidding themselves if they think viewers who just watched the devastation of these characters (that phone call between Rosie’s parents was gut-wrenching to say the least) and who have embraced the macabre nature of the subject matter would want to excitedly hop online to trade theories with other fans, view suspect profiles, and worse of all, take a virtual tour of Rosie’s bedroom. Seriously? How twisted is that? Take a tour of her room? You mean the room where her mother, near catatonic with grief, is huddled on her late daughter’s bed, clutching Rosie’s last earthly possessions because that’s all she has left? That room? Um, no thanks. I can understand where the producers (or the network or whoever is behind it) were hoping that The Killing might turn into watercooler gossip the following morning, with fans discussing “Who killed Rosie Larsen?” with as much fervor as the ad campaign clearly hopes, but I just don’t see that happening. This isn’t the bizarre fate of Laura Palmer, the soap opera pursuit of who shot JR, or even the quirky teen noir of Veronica Mars and I really can’t imagine gabbing with friends about the fate of Rosie Larsen. This production is a searing character piece with haunting undertones, looking at the ramifications of a young girl’s agonizing death, not a sudsy whodunit. Rather than a “watercooler fodder” type of show, it seems more like a “stare blankly out a window and ponder the cruelty brevity of life” kind of show. Am I just putting way too much gravity on this or do you think the advertising strategy is off the mark?

I'll let you know if Matt responds in his column or if I'm just off my rocker and not worth addressing. Whatever the ad campaign, it's a beautiful show that I'm confident in recommending (to the right audience... this show isn't for everyone, that's for sure). A final thought, after watching one torrent of rain after another, I'm not sure which is more of a deterrent to living in Seattle: the grisly murder or the sogginess.

Pilot Grade for The Killing: A-

Chaos
What's that? You've never heard of this show? Yeah, neither had I until the day it premiered. Yeah, few people keep as close of tabs on this kind of thing as I do, so when a show catches off-guard, you know the network wasn't exactly behind it. The fact that it airs on Fridays doesn't exactly do it any favors either. Yeah, I couldn't even find a promotional poster for the show, and that picture right there is one of maybe three that popped up. Anyway, once again dispensing with any recap, it was an okay pilot. I was entertained, if not completely enthralled. To harp on my attention to accents once again, Chaos offered one of the worst American accents I think I've ever come across. There's a notion out there that American actors simply can't do a convincing English accent, but more and more, I think the Brits are just as bad. It took all of about a sentence to determine that actress Carmen Ejogo wasn't going to pull this one off. Seriously, mere seconds after she opened her mouth, it was painfully apparent that "Whoa, she's English," and that it was going to be an annoying struggle from there on out. Terrible. Simply terrible. So terrible in fact that I'm starting to wonder if maybe her character is supposed to be English after all... That doesn't make a lick of sense for the show, but that's all I can muster as an explanation. Anyway, aside from that, the pilot was fine, I suppose. It's an action movie, basically, and is even directed or produced or something by Brett Ratner (which isn't exactly an endorsement I'd spread around if I were the show). I can't say it'll make my regular rotation, but hey, it was better than Breakout Kings. Friday doesn't exactly have a whole lot else to offer, so if you're in need, this one was an enjoyable, escapist diversion.

Pilot Grade for Chaos: C+

Week-In-Review 4.1

And the slimminess of the pickens keeps on keepin' on... A lot of shows which have been on hiatus return next week, so things are looking up, but holy hell, if that last month hasn't been a slog. I'm starting to forget what The Vampire Diaries and Nikita even look like.

Best Cult Name: The Church of Earth…Wind and Fire on Being Human (UK)
This show has more than its fair share of dark moments, but it balances it out with hilarity. “I was in the cult? I was in the cult, yes.”

English to English Dictionary Addition of the Week: “Pikey” on Being Human (UK)
A “pikey” is basically the British equivalent of trailer trash, as I recently found out. As per urbandictionary.com, it’s from the English "turnpike", the place where itinerant travelers and thieves would camp near a settlement. And, from the film Snatch, they apparently have their own unintelligible language that “isn't English, it isn't Irish, it's just Pikey.” Learn something new every day.

Question You Never Want to Have to Ask: “What’s the age of consent for the state of Illinois?” on Shameless
Sorry Frank, that ship has sailed. It’s half-way to Fiji by now. Or, even worse, en route to Eddie’s and Lip’s email inboxes.

Worst Way to Go: Eddie Jackson on Shameless
Well, shit. I can think of a lot of good ways to kill yourself, but strapping cinderblocks to your legs and hopping into a frozen lake? Not at the top of my list… Presumably the freezing water would kill you quicker, and maybe he’s hoping his body is never found for some reason, but still.

Best Closet Exit: Ian finally tells Fiona that he’s gay on Shameless
It’s pretty clear that Ian and Lip have the closest bond of any of the siblings, but I like to think that Fiona knew Ian was gay well before Lip did. “Fiona, I’m gay,” he apprehensively blurts out. “I know,” she simply replies. Fiona may not be his best friend in the house the way that Lip is, but she’s his sister, and his mother basically, and in terms of knowing that someone is gay, sisters and mothers are usually the first to know.

Most Welcomed Return: Nurse Jackie
Oh, how I’ve missed you. It was a little strange going into season 2. After the suicidal events of the season 1 finale, I expected season 2 to be very different, but it wasn’t. I mean, it took things down a different path in many ways, just not the ones I expected. With season 3, however, the game has definitely been changed. Both Kevin and O’Hara know the truth, and Jackie is reeling. Biggest change of all? Jacks passes on the opportunity to purloin a fallen Percocet. I can’t wait to see where things go from here. I still miss Mo-mo though. Always will.

Mini Let-Down of the Week: Castle
It was honestly one of their stronger A-plots, but as you know, A-plots do not a series make in my opinion. This episode just didn’t seem to have the snap, crackle, and pop of others. I didn’t even pull out any funny quotes for the end of this post. I don’t think that’s ever happened before… In the plus column though, the very end where Castle basically dupes Beckett into going on a date with him was adorable. Best part of the episode, hands down.

Most Shameless Product Placement: Castle
Okay, I don’t actually know what kind of phone or what apps Castle was using, but the promotion was pretty shameless and annoying. At first, when he used his phone to track Alexis’ position, I was willing to go with it as simply a plot point. The next several times, complete with close-up views of his phone, were not so forgivable. He uses a different phone every week, so this comes as little surprise really, but it’s never been so blatant before. I guess I should be grateful that the integrations were pretty well integrated. White Collar could take some pointers from this. If you simply must use integrated product placement, at least make it make a modicum of sense.

Most Depressing Ratings News: Body of Proof does better than The Good Wife
I realize it was a series premiere and that it will likely drop off next week, but still. The thought that anyone would choose yet another crime procedural over the best drama on network TV is just depressing as hell.

Biggest Storm a’ Brewin’ (Chicago Division): The Good Wife
Man alive, the noose just keeps getting tighter and tighter and it’s making me more and more nervous with each passing episode. The revelation that Peter slept with Kalinda has the potential to uproot just about every character on the show, if not destroy them entirely. Peter’s bid for State’s Attorney, Kalinda’s secret identity, Alicia’s entire existence… Things are about to get crazy. Well, crazier.

Biggest Storm a’ Brewin’ (Whoop-de-doo Division): Justified
First thing, ten-gallon hats off to Justified (and to FX) for its third season pick-up. Secondly, with the current season getting better and better week-to-week, I can only imagine how awesome that third season will be. Between the Bennets, the Givenseseses, Black Pike, Boyd, and Art’s suspicions of Raylan, we have one hell of a nailbiter on our hands (heh, get it? nailbiter, hands? sorry).

Best Performance: Margo Martindale on Justified
This show is always firing on all cylinders, and has a cast that can rise to the challenge, but the addition of Margo Martindale has upped everyone’s games considerably. Emmy voters, take notice. She didn’t just win over the town with her oration about “the spoil,” she solidified her place on my ballot.

Best Win: Richard Blais on Top Chef All Stars
Saints be praised, and hallelujah! He was my pick to win from day one, but I’ll be damned if the show didn’t make it look like Mike Isabella might take it home. I’m pretty sure Blais would have simply collapsed and died on the spot if he’d lost, so it’s for the best on a number of levels. Speaking of Blais, I came across an article in the Hollywood Reported titled “5 Things to Know About New Top Chef Winner Richard Blais”. It went on to say, “here are five things you might not know about him…” First on the list? He uses liquid nitrogen when he cooks. Um, I hate to break it to the people at the Hollywood Reporter, but anyone who would be reading this article would know that. Indeed, in a contest between knowing his first name or knowing that he uses liquid nitrogen, believe me, more people will know about the liquid nitrogen.

Sorest Loser: Mike from Top Chef All Stars
Okay, seriously, what happened to you as a child that you turned out like this? The eye-rolling, the excuses, the bravado… someone needs to just shoot the bastard. Look, Mike, I realize you must have been beat up as a child, a lot, but that’s no excuse. I’ve never seen someone so insecure in my life, and I just watched an entire season of Richard Blais having panic attacks.

Lamest and Most Obvious Plea to Viewers: Criminal Minds
Oh, Criminal Minds. Don’t fire two beloved actresses and then pretend that the audience is just being whiny when they cry foul. This latest episode opens begins with, well, a horrific death of course, but right after that, we see Penelope staring at a picture of Prentiss on the wall, which prompts Morgan to say, “Prentiss wouldn’t want us to sulk. […] She would also want us to embrace Seaver.” This thinly veiled plea to the audience to just get over it all ready was more annoying than convincing. JJ and Prentiss were two of the best aspects of the show, and to summarily fire them within weeks of each other was a serious blow. On top of that, Seaver could not possibly be any more boring, or more damningly, completely useless to the team. Honestly, she was vaguely helpful for that one episode where her life-experience actually aided the team, but since then? She’s a total waste of space and no scolding from the writers of the show is going to convince me otherwise. How do I know for sure that losing Prentiss and adding Seaver was a bad move? This last episode was one of the most boring episodes I’ve ever seen. The dynamic among the group is just plain dull these days. Here’s hoping they add someone who actually brings something to the table (you know, like a gun with which to shoot Seaver).

**Quotes of the Week**

“The #burnnotice ep we're working on is too hard. So instead of an ep, shirtless Michael just blows something up and we'll call it a day. Ok?”
--Burn Notice showrunner Matt Nix, via twitter. Dear Matt, that works for me.

“I don't need or want ur apology...I want your kidney dude. ‘On behalf of ur X and all the women uv insulted...give it back.’”
--Kirstie Alley, responding to George Lopez calling her a pig and referring to the fact that Lopez divorced his wife five years after she donated one her kidneys to him.

“No magic (unless you count how Romans in Hollywood always magically sound British).”
--Entertainment Weekly, taking a tally of the various aspects of new epic TV shows like Camelot, Game of Thrones, and The Borgias. The Borgias doesn’t have much in the way of magic, but a hell of a lot of English Spaniards and English Italians. I’ll never understand why the hell they do that, but it’s distracting. The French guy sounded French, after all…

“Lowest Common Denominator Continues To Plummet: The lowest common denominator (LCD), the leading cultural indicator for American mass-market tastes, continued its precipitous drop last week, fueling worries about the future of the U.S. marketplace for ideas and stoking fears of a long-term cultural recession.”
--The Onion, which, I have to assume, is talking about Body of Proof’s impressive ratings versus The Good Wife. The plummeting LCD is one of the primary reasons I’ve started importing more and more TV goods.

“I’ve got an axe I can drop on your head at any moment. Why would I give that up?”
--Nurse Jackie, letting Sam know exactly who she is and how she operates.

“You broke my heart, Jacks.”
--O’Hara on Nurse Jackie. Jackie has been breaking the audience’s heart for two seasons now, but seeing it hit the people around her hurts even more.

Ian: “If I get convicted, I can’t enlist.”
Lip: “What?”
Ian: “In the Marines.”
Lip: “Good. I was planning on kneecapping you in your sleep to keep you out of Kandahar anyway.”
--Shameless, regarding Lip and Ian’s recent arrest for grand theft auto. As is a surprise to no one, in spite of Lip’s determination to keep Ian out of Kandahar, he takes full blame for the crime so that Ian won’t be convicted.

“It’s like when a storm is over. Is it happiness? Or is it just relief?”
--Alicia on The Good Wife, being very Epicurean, and sadly delusional. Oh, Alicia. If you only knew. Wait, strike that, please don’t ever know.

“Didja know that Dana Delany's supposed to be brilliant on #BodyOfProof? Cause the show didn't hammer that point AT ALL.”
--Television Without Pity, via twitter, summing up the annoyance that was Body of Proof in 140 characters or less.