Clue: The Hot Urban Singles Edition

Ohhh, CW. Here we go again. Melrose Place? Really...?

Not that your last 90s reboot wasn't a rollicking success, but... oh, wait.

Nevermind.

First off, I must admit that my knowledge of the original version is cursory at best. I seem to vaguely recall catching an episode here or there, but most of my familiarity with the show was born of I Love the 90s, so you'll just have to bear with me. I came into this show pretty well blind (even blinder than with the 90210 reboot). But, based on how spectacularly awful the 90210 reboot turned out, I couldn't help but going into this one with more than a little apprehension and a smidge of "ready, willing, and eager to hate it." Oh wait, did I mention that Ashlee Simpson is on board? Make that a heaping bowlful... then double it.

With all biases and ignorances out of the way, here we go.

The reboot starts off with a bunch of quick cuts of LA, the party circuit, night clubs, restaurants, and lurid activity, all spliced together under the soundtrack of Kevin Rudolf's Let It Burn. You know, so the producers of the show can set the proper tone for a network whose only demographic is teenage girls all within the first 10 seconds of the show. The soundtrack may have been my first quibble with the show, but it somehow managed to be my 4th, 7th, 11th, and 19th quibbles as well. Whenever a show uses music that doesn't really add anything to a scene but was clearly included because it's hip and cool or whatever, my brother and I will say [in requisite cool-hipster-with-popped-shirt-collar voiceover voice], "Tonight's episode featured music by..." as a way to hang a lantern on the cross-promotional crap that has become so pervasive these days. If I had said this every time it was painfully apparent during last night's pilot, I would have missed so much dialogue the episode wouldn't have made any sense... which, come to think of it, is where I ended up anyway...

Anyway, lousy, contractually-obligated soundtrack aside (which isn't easy because there must have been at least 30 different songs sampled in only 42 minutes of programming), the show really didn't have a whole lot to offer. That said, I acknowledge the fact that it's a soap, they know it's a soap, the audience knows it, and no one is kidding themselves into thinking it's anything else. I tend to be more forgiving when writers and producers have a clear objective (no matter how cheesy or tacky or bad (oh my!)) and stick to it. Nothing is more annoying than when a show like this is trying to convince people that it's a hard-hitting drama that really delves deep into the psychology of today's youth, blah, blah, blah. It's a soapy show with lots of skin and they're comfortable with that. Even if I'm a little bored by it...

Much like the original, this reboot focuses on a bunch of twenty-somethings who all live in the same building complex which is landladied by Sydney, who was an original series cast-member (and who looks freaking fantastic for her age--seriously, I had a hard time telling if she was a member of the new class or not). The pilot did its damnedest to try to showcase each character in a way that would really endear him/her to the audience and give some depth and backstory, but when the bitchy blonde 22-year old hot-shot publicist who takes no prisoners and always gets what she wants is one of the more interesting cliché--I, uh, mean... characters, you know you're in trouble. Not only did I not really care about most of the characters, but I had a hell of a time believing that any of these people would be friends (even though the show would have you believe that merely living in the same complex means you're kindred spirits) or that matriarch Sydney would somehow be the glue that brought all these kiddies together. [SPOILER ALERT--not that you should really care] So bearing that in mind, when Sydney winds up dead in the courtyard pool, I wasn't exactly heartbroken and couldn't really believe that anyone else was either.

So just in case the suds and skin weren't enough, at least you've got MURRRRDERRR. A murder most foul! Or whatever. She's found dead as a dead dead pretty quick and the rest of the pilot tries to set up possible culprits and other even less interesting characters to fill out the cast. Along with Ella's bitchy publicist stock character, Melrose Place features a whole lot of the same kinds of people you'd expect to see in a whole bunch of the same situations. I didn't watch much of the original, but I'm guessing these characters are even more hackneyed if you were a fan back in the day...

I don't want to belabor the cast list, because really, who cares, but here are some highlights. Jonah (which I keep spelling Johan for some reason) is an aspiring filmmaker who proposes to his girlfriend Riley just seconds before the body is found in the pool. Any rational person would think, "Huh, well that sure killed the mood," but Jonah just gets all huffy that Riley won't give him an answer. Because really, who doesn't want to have to answer the question, "So, when did you two lovebirds get engaged?" with "Oh, you know, the day Sydney was found face down in the pool with streaks of blood emanating from her vicious knife wound." Misty, watercolor, memmmmmries... Anyway, he's lucky he's got blackmail on his side when it comes to his career as a struggling artist because if his birthday videos are any indication, he royally sucks at his craft. Although, props to Jonah for trying to get out of his latest party videographer gig by using everyone's obvious excuse of "my landlord died." Who knew you got comp time for dead landlords? And here I thought it was only first-degree relatives... Quick insight into his girlfriend Riley? She spends the better part of the pilot whining that she wishes Jonah be a "grown-up," not recognizing the fact that adults don't call themselves "grown-ups" in the first place. Charming.

Adding to the already exhaustively motley crew, we have a pair of resident badboys, including David, who, as it turns out, gets all of his money from his part time gig as an art thief. No, I'm not kidding. I actually laughed out loud. We also have a stoic, but soft-hearted chef named... Auggie... Again, not kidding. Here's hoping for his sake they start calling him August. Or Gus. Or... Steve.

To round out the tarts, we have struggling med student Lauren, who starts moonlighting as a hooker after a date goes (rather inexplicably) into Indecent Proposal territory before the salad even makes it to the table and Ashlee Simpson, who plays the doe-eyed new girl with something to hide. I realize her character Violet is supposed to be acting like a good girl, but as near as I can tell, both Ashlee and her alter-ego suck at acting. She was literally in about 2 and a half minutes of the pilot... and that was more than enough. [Sidenote? Her plastic surgery made her look plastic alright...]

With a cast a characters like that, how could it not be scandalous and utterly awesome and stuff...?

The pilot sets up several of these people as possible suspects in Sydney's murder and tries to present these people as long-time friends, but in spite of the supposed cohesion, the pilot felt all over the place. The storylines should have been organically intertwined, but each character's story felt totally disparate for everyone else's (especially Dr. Hooker-with-a-heart-of-gold who didn't seem to fit in anywhere at all). The concept and writing were pretty typically soapy, but where the first season of Dirty Sexy Money took a weak genre and made it stylized and engaging, Melrose Place just takes the genre and gives it a new soundtrack.

The bare bones should be soap opera gold, but it just didn't really work. The directing job on the pilot definitely didn't help. By half way through, I was seriously starting to think that it must have been directed by Johan (geez, JONAH, what is my problem? Maybe my subconscious is telling me that making him Dutch would have helped...). It was cheesy and juvenile and overall just plain bad. The flashbacks were embarrassing, the blocking was clunky, the pacing was ridiculous, and the final montage of reveals and intrigue was just lame. If that's a harbinger of things to come regarding style and structure, I'm not sure even a whole new team of writers could help this turkey.

Okay, "turkey" may be a bit harsh, even if it's accurate. When taking this show for what it is, a soap opera aimed at teenagers, it wasn't anywhere near as awful as it could have been. It was better than the 90210 pilot, although that's not saying much. For the most part the cast was competent (if not exactly good) and the pilot at least tried to make sense and set up some intrigue and mystery for the future. Not that the audience cared enough about Sydney (after even less screen time than Ashlee) to really mind that she was killed off or really be concerned with who killed her, but at least they tried, right? Right?? No? Oh, well.

I suppose after a few episodes (and assuming they manage to make any of these characters actually interesting) this show could conceivably turn into a guilty pleasure, but I'm not invested enough at the moment to give it that much time or attention. It's in a pretty uncrowded timeslot, but even then, I've already got enough guilty pleasures to fill my quota, and quite frankly, they're higher on the "pleasure" than they are on the "guilt," unlike Melrose Place...

Bottom line? Stick with Gossip Girl, because really, just about anyone who would give this show a chance is already a GG fan. My favorite crew of the Upper East Side has all the sex, lies, and intrigue of Melrose, only, you know... with better writing, acting, directing, and costume design.

So you can see where it's a really close call between the two...

Pilot Grade: F