My New Luvah

TV and I have been married for a very long time. We've stuck by one another through thick and thin. Our marriage is still going strong, don't get me wrong, but since TV has decided "we're on a break," I decided to take my dedication elsewhere until TV decides to come back.

Long story short?

I got a Wii for Christmas.

Sigh. Of late I've replaced the ailment "Puzzler's Back" with "Wii Fingers." A deadly affliction in its own right... I should really call it "Mario Kart Fingers," what who's splitting hairs.

Awwh, Mario Kart. How I've missed you. I haven't raced my little heart out on Mario Kart since about the fifth grade, as I recall. Back when the Super NES was state of the art. My my, how things have changed. Slash stayed exactly the same. The graphics are more impressive, the options are boundless, but at the end of the day, I'm still yelling at the little cartoon figures on the screen to "GO FASTER, DAMMIT!" and cursing my opponents to the tune of "HOW DO YOU LIKE THAT, MARIO!?" and "YOU DARE TO RED SHELL ME?! DIE PRINCESS PEACH! DIE!" It sounds a lot like that, only with considerably more swearing... Let's just say I should really compete against drunken sailors... I had all but forgotten how stressful and addictive this little gem really is.

Misty water-colored memories...

Anyway, it has kind of taken over my live for the past several days. It's been a nostalgic trip down memory lane and a mind-bending, eye-sight warping reminder of why I shouldn't play video games... En route to the chiropractor today, I could literally hear the background music in my head and even that sound the game makes when you hit one of the cubes. Sad. Very sad. I've only been playing for a few days, but I've already unlocked all the additional courses and most of the additional characters and vehicles. But, like the pathetic sense of accomplishment I gain from puzzles (I finished the Klimt, by the way--holy hell that was the hardest puzzle I've ever put together), unlocking crap on Mario Kart is fulfilling in some sort of sad, twisted way. But, again, with TV out of the picture for the next few weeks, I have no other choice of mistress-- er, mister? Why exactly isn't there a male equivalent of "mistress," hmmm?

Reflections on Mario Kart that was and Mario Kart that is:

• I still hate Rainbow Road as much as I ever did. Good god, what sadist came up with that course?! It's a lot shinier and more spectacular in its current incarnation, but that doesn't make it any less fall-off-the-edgy. Bah!
• Ghost Valley 2 is likewise welcome to bite me. Although no where near the aggravation that Rainbow Road is, it's been one of those courses tha elicits a groan since I was but a wee fifth grader.
• Back in the day, I seem to recall playing as Yoshi on a regular basis. Nowadays? Not so much. I play a lot of Luigi with the Mach Bike (or Sugarscoot) and any character for whom the Magikruiser is an option. Even if that character is as reprehensible as Baby Peach.
• There are some hair-pin turns that I simply cannot make. I had to accept that fact back then and was rather woefully reminded of it now. That Mario Circuit with the Legos? Yeah, there are a couple of turns that I just kind of have to hope for the best...
• I really hate it when Bowzer and Donky Kong bump me off the road. Particularly when the "off road" is filled with lava or something...
  
• The squid ink is annoying as all hell. Definitely not an improvement on the game.
• The POW is also more than a little annoying. Grrr...
• But nowhere near as annoying as that stupid blue winged shell that takes out the racer in first place. As I am often in first place, it just seems downright mean. Especially when I'm mere inches from the finish line. Not cool, electronically programmed competitors. Not cool.
• Green shells are useless. USELESS, I TELLS YA! I wish I could just casually opt out and get something better. IF they hit anyone, it's usually me. Blah!
  
• That Maple Treeway has lovely, soothing, cruising through the countryside music that kind of creepily belies the fact that you'll be falling off a branch in the very near future.
• I hate the Special Cup. It should really be called the Special Needs Cup. As in, I think I'm going to need a set of effing wings to survive some of these...
• That Mountain View Highway course with all the cars and trucks and crap? Oh dear lord, that's terrifying! I've gotten pretty good at it, but it still evokes a visceral, "OH MY GOD! We're gonna die!" reaction when you get hit by a car...
  
• I really love that lightning bolt. Such a great feature. It gives me a sense of power that I just don't have in real life. You know, what with being able to miniaturize people I don't like. That would nice to have...
• I think I'd like to marry Bullet Bill. Never has such a comforting presence come into my life and magically driven my car for me and knocked my enemies into oblivion. Dreamy.

So this is what my life has been reduced to... I keep hoping I'll just unlock everything so I can feel like I can stop. As is, I'm having an obsessive compulsive reaction to the game... Gotta keep playing... Must. Unlock. More. FEATURES! Fortunately I casually haven't been to work in two weeks so I've been able to more fully devote myself to the important things in life.

In other video game news, I really, really, really suck at Zelda. I only ever played the game a couple of times back in the day, so I'm totally out of my depth now. Good god, have you always had to waste so much time talking to people?! Why do people play this game?! I assume it gets more fighty and less talky, but at this point? I think I'll go bump Koopa Troopa into some lava or something, thanks...

Here's the Mario Kart I remember... albeit with someone slightly more skilled at the helm.



Seriously?! I can't even stay on the track, let ALONE jump the corners!

Someone has too much time on his hands... Wow.