Fifth grade was no more fruitful. As an old, tattered written record of events confirmed for me a couple of years ago, when I couldn't come up with a academically acceptable goal, my teacher suggested, "How about... be less cynical..." My ten-year-old self had to concede the point.
Anyway, as I have a history of sucking at things like goals and resolutions for myself, I have opted to dole them out for TV.
TV and I have kind of been on the rocks lately. Between the current season just not quite doing it for me (across the board, to large extent) and the fact that TV abandoned me several weeks ago, I have a few grievances to air and more than a few suggestions to make.
RESOLUTIONS TV SHOWS/PRODUCERS/NETWORKS/ACTORS/ETC SHOULD MAKE:
- NBC: ...needs to stop sucking so very royally. Resolution #1? Man up and fire Jeff Zucker already! He's the CEO and president of the network and has been the driving force that rammed the network into the giant iceberg. After Comcast took over, I was sure he'd finally (FINALLY) get the axe, but no. I don't know what deals he's been making or with whom (good money is on Lucifer himself), but he must be in bed with some pretty powerful people to have been spared. Maybe it's a Stonecutters' plot... In other NBC resolution news, #2: They need to cancel The Jay Leno Show and Mercy immediately, they need to scale back on The Biggest Loser (the show has never needed to be two hours long, let's face it), and give talented writers some incentive to bring their shows to the network. As is, most writers worth their salt take their projects to a network that actually knows what the hell its doing, and NBC's scripted programming has been in stark decline ever since. They need to bring back the 9 o'clock hour and fill it with solid scripted programming. #3: Put Heroes out of its (and our) misery. I broke up with this one ages ago, but I still hear tidbits about it here and there and let me tell ya, I find myself gladder and gladder we broke up with each passing news bite. Yeah, apparently Ali Larter is playing identical quadruplets these days and Sylar is Nathan or something. Yikes. #4: They need to hold on to Chuck for dear life and give it a promotional campaign and timeslot that will actually allow it to survive. From what I'm hearing, the coming season is going to be better than ever. Can't. Wait. :)
- GOSSIP GIRL: ...needs to get back on track and return to its former glory. In a bizarro twist of fate, it's not even really the fact that they graduated from high school that has caused the problem. The show was never about high school to begin with, so that's the least of the show's worries. If anything, the problem is that it revolves too much around school these days as opposed to too little. The last few episodes have somewhat bolstered my confidence, but at the end of the day, the dynamics that make this show so great have largely been eliminated. Resolutions? #1: Break up Chuck and Blair. I know, I know, blasphemy, right? As much as I enjoy seeing them together on one level, on all other levels the relationship has lost all of its fire and snark. They need to break them up so that a new dynamic (one much more like their old dynamic) can take over. I would love to see them break up over betrayals on both sides of the fence. That would put them on an even keel for war. Which brings me to #2: Both Chuck and Blair have been suffering from badass decay for the entire season. Chuck much more so than Blair, but both have lost a lot of what made them awesome. It's satisfying to see other sides of Chuck's personality, but when it's done to the exclusion of the motherchucker core that we know and love, it's a wrong step. Also, he seems to have very little to do these days besides board meetings and crap. They need to give him a juicy storyline that awakens the badass of yore. Same goes for Blair. She's been relegated to little more than an annoyance for Chuck and a busybody without any real direction. #3: The writers need to raise the stakes and bring back the crazy. Remember when Blair was dating a British lord? Or when Little J was at the center of a social upheaval that we actually cared about? Or when Chuck... actually mattered? Yeah, they need to bring that all back. Stat. #4: Cut dead weight. Vanessa, I'm looking in your direction. #5: Bring back Gossip Girl herself. Seriously, when was the last time a storyline had anything to do with the website at all? The first two seasons presented a tantalizing and disturbing world when nothing is every private and everyone's dirty laundry is public, whether they like it or not. Gossip Girl was a weapon and a menace, and I miss that conceit. I could go on, but there are other shows which need to be taken to task...
- GLEE: ...needs to recognize what they've got and work with it better. As with Gossip Girl, I loves me some Glee, but there are still aspects which annoy me. #1: I'm a huge fan of anything that includes singing and dancing, but for a show like Glee, the musical numbers are so over-produced that it kind of takes me out of the moment. Seriously, you can't go from regular TV show conversation to a 40 person chorus and full musical accompaniment without it being a bit jarring. It makes the songs feel less organic to the story and makes the lip-syncing all the more apparent. #2: They kids are great performers, but not the greatest of actors. Some of them can certainly hold their own and generally speaking, they're adequate, but I think more emotional resonance and more convincing connections with the action would help considerably. #3: Accept the fact that Finn is NOT the show's male lead. The show keeps acting like he's the amazing glue holding the band of misfits together, but in actuality, he gets schooled by just about everyone else on the show. His singing and dancing are simply not strong enough and as a heartthrob? He falls short. I think we all know Puck is the real winner in this battle and Finn just isn't going to change that. Puck is a better singer, performer, and overall better character. It's no wonder people are pulling for Puckleberry (Rachel and Puck) while Rachel and Finn don't even have a celebrity portmanteau. Ouch.
- V and FLASHFORWARD: ...need to be completely retooled. V is painfully boring and FlashForward is laborious. Both shows have merit and potential, but unless they get their heads back in the game, they're well on their way to being cancelled. #1: V needs to build up characters that we actually care about. Seriously, 95% of the cast is just kind of... there. I think I'd be a lot more invested in the story if I cared one bit about the players. #2: V also needs to figure out what its end game is. At this point, they've established one big, huge storyline, but they don't seem to know where they want to go with it in the long run. Aside from "humans vs. aliens," they seem to be spinning their wheels. #3: FlashForward needs to get its head out of its ass and nail down its concept and characters. The show established this conceit about people seeing their futures and whether destiny is finite, but week to week they can't seem to decide if the future really matters or if what they saw is inconsequential. It takes away a lot of the gravity and just seems a little too convenient. #4: They also need to build up characters we care about. At this point, it's an entire ensemble of dour, earnest, wet blankets who are kind of tedious to watch.
- HOUSE: ...just needs to stop. I have loved the show for many, many years, but the conceit has become oppressive and the character development is suffering as a result. #1: Either eliminate the patient of the week or find a way to reinvent it. I've been bored to tears with the POTW pretty much since the show began, but it was tenable because the POTW created a framework for character interaction and development. Now the dynamic is largely wasted and I find myself fast-forwarding through the standard medical crap that I stopped caring about ages ago. It's been the same routine for over 100 episodes and I just can't take it anymore. #2: Cut dead weight. Foreman, 13, and Taub, I'm looking in your direction. It's not that they couldn't bring in new and interesting characters (I miss Amber more and more with each passing episode), but the show seems to have opted for dull over substantive or likeable. Good thinkin', writers! #3: Either resolve the Huddy issue already or let it go. The teasing is getting ridiculous.
- FOX: ...needs to work out a schedule that doesn't make people want to shoot themselves. Seriously, most of their heavy hitters are benched until April, and that, my friends, I simply cannot abide. #1: They should just axe the ailing and aging American Idol and 24. Every year that 24 comes back, I just have to shake my head. Even die hard fans are pretty sick of it at this point. I don't watch the show (what can I say? American jingoism and nationalist propaganda just don't quite do it for me), so all it presents for me is an obstacle to more Glee. As for American Idol, I've loathed that crapfest since its inception and the fact that it basically takes over the network every spring is like an obnoxious, slightly tipsy, thoroughly tacky slap in the face. #2: They need to not air So You Think You Can Dance in the fall ever again. What a disaster. I realize that reality TV is cheap, and don't get me wrong, I love the show, but it's a summer show first, last, and always. Plus, if they opt for such a debacle once again, it'll put shows like Lie to Me (which got pretty good after Shawn Ryan took the reins) and Fringe (which I had to give up on, but have been meaning to give it a second chance). Really, anytime reality trumps scripted I'm less than thrilled, so even when it's a reality show I enjoy, it's still a blow.
- PROJECT RUNWAY: ...needs to return to the Bravo network. I was trying to nail down all the things that were wrong with last season and it all boiled down to the switch to Lifetime. The show had the same look, same set up, and same host, but what it lacked it lacked in spades. You know, like entertainment value? Good god last season was dull. Even when it was good it was boring. Bravo just has a knack for this kind of programming that is unparalleled and Lifetime simply couldn't do it justice. #1: Bring back Nina Garcia as a regular judge. She didn't earn the nickname "Mean-a Garcia" for nothing. She was always the most delightfully brutal and blunt of them all and in her absence, many of the lackluster designs got a pass. #2: Come up with original challenges. I realize the show has been through 6 (is it 6?) seasons and that fresh ideas are harder and harder to come by, but I think the salvation of the show depends on it. Look at Top Chef. It just completed its 6th (is it 6th?) season and it's better than ever. The grudge match between the brothers Voltaggio certainly helped, but the show really managed to come up with some new and interesting challenges.
I'm sure there are other grievances for other shows that should probably be included, but compiling just these was taxing enough. Come on TV, be more funny! (A little something for all the Simpsons fans out there.) Really, TV needs to be a whole lot of things at the point, but bottom line? Most of my shows just need to be better. When they're competing with the awesomeness that is Burn Notice, Castle, Dexter, Psych, etc., they really need to step up their games.
Here's hoping they're better at keep resolutions than I am. You know, the fake resolutions that I just made up and that they don't even know about...
And no, my logic is not suspect.
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