Soon-to-be-Forgotten Scoundrels

USA Network has had a monopoly on summertime viewing for several years now (seriously, I don't know how they do it, but if you watch one thing on that network, odds are you watch just about everything else) and finally the non-cable networks took notice. I don't know how it took the big four this long to realize the financial goldmine USA had tapped into, but it seems they're all desperately playing catch-up, and with pretty pitiful results (cough-The Good Guys-cough).

ABC has finally decided to get into the game, but their first foray into summertime scripted programming left much to be desired. (And by "much" I mean "tons and tons and tons.")

Scoundrels premiered last night and I actually went into this pilot with fairly positive expectations. The show follows the Wests, a family of crooks who, after the patriarch is sentenced to five years in prison, tries to go straight at the matriarch's insistence (played by power-player Virginia Madsen). Not the most enthralling concept I've ever heard, but at least it sounded like something different. Plus, with Madsen at the helm, I had reason to believe she'd form an emotional foundation for the rest of the cast to play off of. I expected she'd be the glue holding the rest of the show in place. Well, as with so many pilots, I was wrong. Painfully, ridiculously wrong.

As I soon found out, Madsen proved to be one of the worst parts of the pilot (and believe me, there was A LOT to choose from). I don't know if she just got attached to a show that she didn't actually want to be on, if she found herself with a role that really didn't suit her, or if she's actually just a terrible actress, but her presence was grating at best. She seemed to be phoning it in even more so than her co-stars, and that's saying something. It would be one thing if the mother of this motley crew were a supporting player, but the fundamentals of the series rest almost entirely upon her shoulders, and believe me, she buckled under the weight. At the end of the day, it just didn't seem like she cared, so neither did I.

To make matters worse, I could hear the networks notes in my head. This might be a case of a solid premise being ruined by network meddling, but I'm guessing it was a combination of factors. The fact that this show is supposed to be about scoundrels (a la the title), but in actuality really isn't, was the main aspect that just screamed interference by the suits at ABC. You see, in order to make these people likable (as far as morons who don't know anything about drama are concerned), they can't actually be all that bad, let alone actual scoundrels. The West family lives by a code of conduct, ya know. They don't invade homes, they don't use violence, they don't use drugs, blah, blah, blah. By the end of the pilot, I wasn't even totally sure what criminal enterprises they were engaged in, but it all sounded pretty small time and pretty lame (theft and whatnot). Honestly, the writers and the network had a real opportunity here, but they missed it. When I first read the description of the show, I expected a family of corruption, torn apart by the father's prison sentence. In a bid to pull the family back together and keep everyone afloat, the mother makes the difficult decision to go straight and the audience gets to see the struggle between right and wrong, good and bad, and loyalty or abandon. That I'd like to see. What I got was a watered-down, soulless hodgepodge of events that didn't matter to anyone on the show or, I have to assume, any of the viewers.

The show really tried to be a character piece centered around Mama West, with her husband and four children forming the core of the narrative. I knew we were in trouble when it was made bad-wig-ishly obvious that one actor was playing both of the identical twin brothers. It was all downhill from there. Honestly, when the highlight of the show is the youngest daughter, played by Luke's daughter from Gilmore Girls, you're in for some serious eye-rolling and constant urges to reach for the remote. I think this may once again be a result of network meddling. Rather than present a hard-hitting drama, the network asked for something that would appeal to all ages, genders, and social groups. Well, when you try to appeal to everyone, you appeal to no one. This attempt left the pilot wildly uneven and inconsistent. I got the feeling the show couldn't decide if it wanted to be a comedy, a drama, a caper, a family show, or whathaveyou. The only aspect of the children that was even remotely interesting was the fact that one of the twins became a lawyer, while the other became the worst of the bunch. That could have led to some real conflict and drama (albeit kind of cliche and a bit heavy-handed), but when you have the same guy playing both roles, the possibility for any real tension evaporates. Add to that the other daughter, you know, the obligatorily slutty one, and you have the making of a real winner.

The actual storyline is barely worth mentioning. The essence of the pilot was setting up this tepid, gutless concept. I think the aspect of the show that hit me the hardest was how very, very, very boring it was. Seriously, I've sat through a lot of bad pilots, but this one was far and away one of the most soporific to date. I barely finished it. I was so agonizingly bored by the end I didn't even consider giving it another week to win me over. One and done, peeps. And I have a pretty high threshold. Aside from the boredom, I honestly couldn't see this show going anywhere I wanted accompany it. Had they taken a different approach, it really could have been an offbeat dark comedy with some edge or a visceral drama, but as is, it just came across as a cheap, talentless mess. Shockingly, after this glowing review, I won't be giving this sucker another shot. Not the worst pilot I've ever seen, but certainly not worth my time.

Pilot Grade: D-