Suffice it to say, they actually aired the pilot and the second episode last night and I couldn't be bothered (read: threatened at gunpoint) to watch the second episode, even though it was sitting
right there, already recorded and everything. Geez, I couldn't make it through the pilot without some fast-forwarding, let alone undertaking another one. (Oooh, speaking of "undertaking," have I got the show for you!)It's hardly worth even providing a run-down of this one, but here's the 30 second version of the pilot. (Ann and Annie got to see the live-action version of this this morning. There were hand actions and facial expressions to help truly convey the absurdity of the whole affair. You'll just have to make those up on your own, which, with what you're about to read, shouldn't be too much of a stretch.)
Here's the gist. So this cop named Vince goes to work for some mega-billionaire type who wants to privatize the police force or something. Vince wants to make a difference and save the city from the evil mastermind Chess (yes, the big bad is named Chess--I was actually hoping it was simply short for Chester, but alas). Well, turns out his new boss is Chess (Dun-dun-dun! oh my god! what a shocking surprise! and in the first 10 minutes of the show!) and wants to frame Vince for his crimes. Muahahahaha ("So, that's, you know, coming along.") To give you a quick idea of what this tyrannous super-villain is like, I'd say he's a combination of
Voldemort, Warren Buffet, and The Rocketeer (Let me guess, you were with me until the Rocketeer. Because I think everyone initially thought, Voldemort and Warren Buffet?! Together at last!) What is his master plan for framing Vince, you ask? Why, simply staple Chess' snake mask to Vince's head, of course! I wish I were kidding. Anyway, Vince gets chased by the cops, falls down into some sort of underground something or other and is believed dead, but don't worry, some circus performers come and save him... Yeah, this is where things get particularly special (as in, "stop eating the paste" special). The circus performers [oh, good god, I'm trying to give you the basic happenings here, but they're just horrendous, so I'm struggling] at one point use his master key card to rob banks (because the powers-that-be wouldn't have deactivated that card after its owner was revealed as Chess or anything... or after he died... or definitely not after the third bank was robbed) and then decide to add him to their crew. They teach him all their circus tricks and how to use a cape as a weapon so that he can fight injustice and take down the real Chess and prove to his son that there's good in the world! It was even lamer than it sounds. The cape is basically a flapping dickey that retracts at his command (so, you know, only slightly less badass than rainbow suspenders). When extolling its virtues, Vince's mentor tells him about the amazing technology of the cape, such as--wait for it-- a weighted hem! No really, that's it. That's all he could come up with, and quite frankly, it's more than I came up with. (I think he said something about it being made of spider silk or something, but it sounded like it was lifted wholesale from Batman Begins, so I don't think they get credit). 
Long story short (but not nearly short enough), Vince teams up with an internet blogger named Orwell (yeah, I know, it's bad) to fight injustice, blah, blah, blah.In case that brass tacks assessment wasn't telling enough, let me assure you that the premise, basic plot structure, character design, and story development were all equally absurd. To recount all the problems with this pilot would take ages and would be a colossal waste of everyone's time. The entire thing was nonsensical and at least 80% was unintelligible given the amount of effort I could bring myself to spend on this. Wait, so how did the really bad guys know that the... semi... bad guys were... wait, where were they? Oh, who the hell cares. Not only was the actual narrative cheese-tastic and ludicrous, but the people behind the show apparently think that the viewers are complete and total morons who 1) won't notice the glaring plot-holes and overall lameness of the show and 2) need to be reminded about events that happened in the last scene. I kid you not, during the reveal of Vince's new boss as Chess, they flash back to the conversation Vince
had with him 5 minutes ago. Dear show, I may not be able to bring myself to pay that close of attention to this piece of shit, but I can still remember who Vince's boss is between now and the last time I blinked.It's fairly common for me to feel that it's unfortunate for certain actors to have signed onto a show, but it's pretty rare for me to genuine pity their poor career choices with each and every passing scene. I spent the entire pilot wondering how on earth anyone got roped into this farce, let alone any actual names. Summer Glau, what the hell are you doing here? Keith David? Really? James Frain? You've decided to take your new recognizability from your recent turn on True Blood and apply it here? It was seriously hard to watch.
Lest you immediately think that I simply didn't get what they were trying to do here, or that this simply isn't my kind of show, let me disabuse you of the notion as best I can. I understand where they were going with this, and in the correct hands, I think it could have been successful, but here, it simply fell flat. They seemed to be aiming for a semi-nostalgic throwback to the comic book themes and ideals of the '50s and '60s, hoping to update the genre while paying homage to the past. I have a feeling they were hoping for The Dark Knight, but the end result was more akin to Bibleman (you know, but without all the scripture and 100% less Willie Aames (Hey, look at that! The Cape does have something going for it!). At some point, my brother and I had to theorize that they were making it intentionally awful, like maybe they wanted to point to outdated and outmoded perceptions of good and evil using a campy sendup, then give it a modern spin...? Or something? Try as we might, we couldn't come up with an artistic reason why this show would be so terrible. Then we simply stopped trying. It was after my brother decided that The Mighty Morphin' Power Rangers was better that he officially threw in the towel. I love comic books (Marvel in particular was more my style than DC, generally speaking) and often love their adaptations, but this was one is better suited to the trash bin. Perhaps if it were animated, it could have been watchable, but primetime insists on live-action for drama, so here we are. Seriously, any and every random episode of The Justice League would blow this sucker out of the water. Who knows, maybe I completely missed the boat on what they were trying to do here and I've spent the last several paragraphs missing the point entirely. Whatever they were trying to do, it didn't work for me, I know that much.
Again, under the exact right circumstances, the laughable concept, sub-par special effects, and vintage feel could possibly have worked, but here? It's just a joke. And not a very funny one. Well, not intentionally funny at any rate. It took itself entirely too seriously to have this kind of a concept at its base. I salute them for going all in, but it just didn't gel for me. I don't know that even the almighty Joss Whedon could have
rescued this one. I could see where a different creative team could have ended up with a final product that was akin to the Tim Burton versions of Batman, where all the crazy costumes, heightened reality, and narrative absurdities could actually come together to make for a compelling, visually interesting, and unique take on a classic, but The Cape was a fail for me. The laundry list of problems extends from huge fundamental concept issues to the most menial of details and spans everything in between. The lead actor's pitiful attempt at an American accent was probably least of the show's worries, and that's usually right at the top of my list. Here? It barely made the list at all. What can I say? I was so distracted by how horrible the dialogue itself was, that I could barely appreciate the Australian accent shining through we each passing, clumsily delivered line.I struggled through the pilot, but soldiered to the end where Vince, now known as "The Cape" (great name, buddy), tells his son that things can still get better and that he shouldn't lose hope. Sorry, "The Cape," but I've already lost all hope in you, this show, and in NBC's ability to ever have anything that's ever worth watching ever again. Based on the show's tepid ratings (not horrendous, but for a series premiere, they're nothing to write home about), I'm not the only one who was underwhelmed. For NBC's sake, I hope somebody liked this, but that's certainly not me.
Pilot Grade: F
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