Outstanding Achievement in the Field of Excellence

Whilst riding the bus home yesterday, I decided to compile of list of my top ten episodes of The Simpsons. The kiddies at work and I have occasionally dallied with such a task in the past, and having decided it was impossible, quickly dropped the idea. Well, having very little life and even fewer new pilots to rely on for the next few weeks, I figured it was now or never.

When embarking on this most mindboggling of tasks, I actually found that coming up with the first six or seven was actually very easy. The all-time awesomest, seminal episodes came to mind with very little effort. Filling in the remainders was the tough part. I knew I was in for a real headache when classic episodes like Lisa the Beauty Queen and Radioactive Man were not making the cut. From about season 3 through about season 8, pretty much every single episode was top notch and picking just ten proved just as difficult as I had feared. Seriously, I could choose an all-time top ten list just from season 7 that I would be comfortable with. Truly, one of the best, if not the best season ever (as you'll see from the percentage of my top ten that comes from that most blessed of seasons).

My love affair with The Simpsons began to truly wane during the 9th and 10th seasons and by the middle of the 11th, I knew it was time to break up. I kept up appearances through the 11th and caught episodes here and there of the 12th (and maybe even a couple from the 13th), but I can actually remember the exact episode where I knew I was basically done. Season 11, episode 7, entitled Eight Misbehavin' was the tipping point. That's the ill-fated episode where Apu and Manjula have octuplets. Not good, peeps. Not good. Although, by standards of later seasons, I'm sure it's a masterpiece. It's hard to imagine that they have produced roughly 500 episodes since that fateful episode where I lost my faith. The point of this story is that I haven't seen a great number of episodes and think of the newer episodes as some sort of derivative, ersatz dreck that can't even be mentioned in the same breath as the older episodes of which I'm eternally fond. If there's some spectacular episode that has aired in the past decade, it won't be appearing on my list because I won't have seen it. I count the possibility of that happening to be basically nil, so I don't think it would have skewed my results in the long run.

Anyway, here we go. Oh, and this list is in no particular order. It was hard enough to narrow down the list to ten, let along ranking those ten.

BART SELLS HIS SOUL
Season 7, Episode 4


When I first decided to do this, this is the episode that immediately sprang to mind (and to the mind of my twin Beckee, so I must have been on the right track). Not only does this episode start of with a rendition of "In the Garden of Eden" by I. Ron. Butterfly during church, but it's pretty much the perfect episode every minute thereafter. I think what propels this episode into most fans' top ten lists is that it seamlessly intertwines so many different aspects of philosophy, religion, pop culture, and family into an insanely funny, totally non-preachy, but somehow inexplicably meaningful 22 minute package. It's one of those episodes that has such a strong A-plot and such a strong B-plot that you almost forget they are the same episode. Not only does this episode feature Bart's odyssey to regain his soul, but it also features Uncle Moe's Family Feedbag--a hilarious jab at all the ridiculous family restaurants with oh-so-much crazy crap on the walls. This is one of the most eminently quotable episodes and stands out in most fans' minds as a classic. I could start quoting, but we'd never get out of here. Between me and the kiddies at work, we could basically recite the entire episode.

Okay, here's one quote:
Jimbo: Way to breathe, no-breath.


ROSEBUD
Season 5, Episode 4


Of all the Citizen Kane parodies, satires, homages, etc, I'd say this has to be best. Any A-plot that features Mr. Burns is probably going to be awesome, but this one ranks among the most awesome. The flashbacks to Burns' childhood, the sweeping, epic construction, the perilous journey of his beloved stuffed bear through the ages... I hardly know where to begin when describing the greatness of this episode. And, as with the best of the older episodes, it doesn't use the Citizen Kane conceit merely because every other storyline has been done and the writers are out of ideas, but it is rather organically integrated into to world of The Simpsons and has real repercussions for the characters. Homer, who by and large sucks as a father, actually does the decent thing here and takes a pretty massive hit for Maggie's sake, even if she ultimately relinquishes the bear in the end. As if all that wasn't awesome enough, it badassily ends with a Planet of the Apes scenario with cyborg Burns' once again reunites with Bobo some million years in the future. The artistic approach, the structure, the stylization, the story, basically the everything is solid, beginning to end.

If I had to pick just one quote:
Expeditioner: You've gotta start selling this for more than a dollar a bag. We lost four men on this expedition!
Apu: If you can think of a better way to get ice, I'd like to hear it.


SIDESHOW BOB ROBERTS
Season 6, Episode 5


As with many of these, the inclusion of this episode hardly needs to be justified. The social and political satire, coupled with the references to films and events makes for one of the most outstanding episodes of all time. As with Rosebud, this episode satirizes a whole lot of things, but in a way that totally works. The episode doesn't make references for references' sake, making winks and nods at the audience, but instead offers a insanely funny, authentic satire. More recent episodes just pick a movie and replace the characters with characters from the show, but real satire does much, much more. Sideshow Bob episodes are all among my favorites, but for shear intelligence, wit, and writing, this episode takes the cake. Plus, this episode appeals to my distaste for Republicans on basically every possible level, so I can't not adore it.

Oh, so many quotes to choose from:
Bob: No children have ever meddled with the Republican Party and lived to tell about it!


HOMER'S PHOBIA
Season 8, Episode 15


The Simpsons has always had a way of addressing social issues in a way that's somehow pointed, yet not pointed all at once. This episode exposes all the ridiculous notions conservative America has about homosexuality in a way that even conservatives could appreciate on some level. I absolutely adore this episode and even had the pleasure of watching it for a college class once. Using Homer as the stand-in for conservative America, the episode highlights the inexplicable panic over the gay community as Homer goes from adoring John to completely turning against him for no other reason than he's gay. Homer's efforts at making sure Bart is straight crack me up every time. Once again, this episode is insanely quotable and I'm hard-pressed to pick just one. It's a classic. 'Nough said.

One of the many, many, many quotable quotes:
Homer: Well, it's been two hours. How do you feel?
Bart: I dunno. I kinda want a cigarette.
Homer: That's a good start. Let's get you a pack. What's your brand?
Bart: Anything slim!


22 SHORT FILMS ABOUT SPRINGFIELD
Season 7, Episode 21


Holy cow, where to even begin? This episode has so much going on, is so brilliantly structured, and unrelentingly funny that it's hard to even quantify. Each story is fantastic in its own right, but the way they're woven together is pure genius. Add to that some Pulp Fiction parody and you've pretty much got my dream episode. This episode include a tremendous number of minor characters and even though the vignettes are short, they're each pretty fantastic and somehow come together into a cohesive package. For going against the grain and throwing traditional storytelling out the window alone, this episode wins a lot of points, but throw in how funny and quotable it is and this episode simply had to grace my top ten.

One of the quotes I quote the most:
Skinner: Aurora Borealis?
Chalmers: Aurora Borealis!? At this time of year? A this time of day? In this part of the country? Localized entirely within your kitchen?
Skinner: Yes.
Chalmers: May I see it?
Skinner: Oh, erm... No.


RAGING ABE SIMPSON AND HIS GRUMBLING GRANDSON IN "THE CURSE OF THE FLYING HELLFISH"
Season 7, Episode 22


This episode didn't come to mind immediately, but the second "Flying Hellfish" popped into my head, it was immediately added to the top ten list. I think one of the things I appreciate most about this episode, aside from its overall brilliance, is the fact that Grampa is center of the story. Not only is that a pretty rare occasion, but never was it done so fabulously, and surprisingly action-packed-edly as with this episode. I love episodes that have flashbacks (particularly ones involving Mr. Burns) and this episode set up a whole mythology in the process, including the ancestors of several of Springfield's residents. It's a genuinely exciting episode that showcases Grampa in a whole different light. Never did it occur to me that at time Grampa could have ever been a badass, but I was wrong. And a tontine?! How cool is that? Oh, and having Ox explain what a tontine is? Solid. Gold.

One of the many quotes:
Bart: Hey, Mr. Burns! Can I go with you to get the treasure? I won't eat much and I don't know the difference between right and wrong.
Burns: Oh, you're a good boy, but the child labor people have been watching me like a hawk.


BART OF DARKNESS
Season 6, Episode 1


One of my favorite A-plots plus a kickass Hitchcock homage B-plot? Yep, definite spot in my top ten. This is easily one of the my most referenced and most quoted episodes. All you really have to say is, "The pool episode," and all Simpson fans sigh wistfully, saying "Oh, man, that's a great episode!" It's a family favorite, in fact--my eldest brother used to sign things with "Milpool__" on a regular basis. I love that this episode focuses on both Lisa and Bart and then brings them together for one of the best endings in Simpsons history. It's hilarious but surprisingly suspenseful, even with Ned Flanders filling the role of the mur-diddly-erderer on the receiving end of Bart's Rear Window telescope. It's a solid episode from beginning to end and integrates every element in an organic way. Awesomely awesome.

Favorite beyond favorite quote:
Phone voice: You have selected regicide. If you know the name of the king or queen being murdered, press one.


MARGE BE NOT PROUD
Season 7, Episode 11


My list of favorites on my TV is called "Thrillhouse" (cousin to "Milpool___"), so I couldn't not put this bad boy on the list. I think one of the best parts of this episode is that it really showcases just how crushing it is to have a parent disappointed in you rather than angry. It's actually kind of heart-breaking to watch... you know, amidst all the funny. :) It's a very well-structured episode that sets everything up just perfectly. It's hilarious and touching and ends on an incredibly sweet yet equally funny moment as Bart pretends to love his Lee Carvallo's Putting Challenge. It's not easy to have a really poignant episode without being saccharine, but somehow The Simpsons pulls it off. I love this episode so much. Pretty much any time I'm about to receive something or check on something, "Come on, new bike!" is the first thing that comes to mind. It makes the actuality of the reveal a little less disappointing. And, it's a Christmas episode, so it gets extra points.

Such a great quote, and totally one that I wouldn't have thought of first thing:
Nelson: Shoplifting is a victimless crime, like punching someone in the dark.


LISA THE VEGETARIAN
Season 7, Episode 5


I haven't seen this episode in an awful long time, but it definitely sticks out in my mind as a top ten contender. Not only is it a great episode in terms of writing, pacing, concept, and guest stars, but it's an episode that permanently changed one of the characters in a series where that just doesn't happen very often. Lisa becomes a vegetarian in this episode (well duh) and it is referenced in several episodes afterward. Not only does it showcase Lisa's newfound vegetarianism, but is also shines a light on the elitism that sometimes comes along with that position. In the end, Lisa realizes that criticizing what everyone else eats is just as wrong as them criticizing her. What can I say? I loves me some... uh... tolerance... :) I've said of many episodes that they're great from beginning to end, but this episode goes above and beyond. Even the ending credits are awesome as "Maybe I'm Amazed" plays over what can be heard to be a "recipe for a really ripping lentil soup."

One of many awesome quotes:
Homer: It's just a little dirty. It's still good, it's still good! [Passes traffic, jumps a bridge and lands in the water.] It's just a little slimy, it's still good, it's still good! [It gets caught in a dam spillway, and when the pressure builds, it shoots into the sky.] It's just a little airborne, it's still good, it's still good!
Bart: [Crestfallen.] It's gone.
Homer: I know.


THE DAY THE VIOLENCE DIED
Season 7, Episode 18


Rounding out my top ten was nigh impossible, but after much soul-searching, I think this bad boy just makes the cut. As mentioned previously, I kinda sorta love episodes with flashbacks and not only does this one have them, it also has old Itchy and Scratchy cartoons and a Schoolhouse Rock! parody. "Steamboat Itchy"? "I'm Just a Bill"? There's no way I couldn't include this episode in my top ten. The old cartoons are oh-so-well-done and they manage to capture the style of each era perfectly, and as per usual, hilariously. There's really little else to say. This episode has a hell of a lot of elements to it and they're all fantastic. Oh, and then getting all meta at the end with the old cartoon versions of Lisa and Bart showing up to save the day? Perfect.

Barring a complete rendition of "I'm Just a Bill", here's a quote that cracks me up every time:
Milhouse: Look out Itchy, he's Irish!

So those were my top ten. I know that all the Simpsons fans out there who are reading this are surely up in arms that certain episodes didn't make it onto the list, but I challenge you to try this exercise for yourself and see how not easy it is. Seriously, filling the last couple of slots was way more stressful than you'd think.

If I were making a top 30 or 40, it would be easy, but a top 10? That's rough.

Here are episodes that I bandied in and out of the top 10 about a dozen times, replacing one episode with another until they ultimately just missed the cut in the end:

Home Sweet Home-Diddily-Dum-Doodily (this was one of the hardest to cut... such a great episode...)

Lisa vs. Malibu Stacy (a classic--it moved in and out of the top ten about 15 times)

In Marge We Trust (I know, I know, how could Mr. Sparkle not make the top ten?! Well, while that's one of my favorite moments on the show of all time, the episode as a whole just didn't quite make the list)

Cape Feare

Itchy and Scratchy: The Movie

A Star is Burns

The Springfield Files

You Only Move Twice

Lemon of Troy

Lisa on Ice

Homer the Great

King Size Homer

Two Dozen and One Greyhounds

Mother Simpson

Bart on the Road

Brother From Another Series

And god knows how many more. The list I was working off of seriously had at least 50 episodes on it. Most of the one listed in my "didn't quite make the cut" list could easily fit in the top ten and would all be episodes I'd be comfortable putting there, but at the end of the day, this is the list I came up with. I challenge you all to try it. It's almost heart-breaking... (in a, "could I get anymore pathetic?" kind of way...)

Mad Men Yourself

Now, in spite of rave reviews from critics, I never got around to watching Mad Men. Regardless, I thoroughly enjoyed Man Menning myself and everyone else in the office. Even if you don't watch the show and simply want to retro-ize yourself (retro-fit?), it's a hell of a lot of fun. Go here to create your own 50's/60's avatar. :)

Now, they didn't really have my hair, so this is what I like to think I would have looked like had I lived in that era:

For those of you who know the people who work in my office, you'll be shocked by just how accurate some of these are (and totally inaccurate others are--no one in the office actually wears an eyepatch, but I defy you not to know exactly who it is). I'll just let you guess...

#1

#2

#3

#4

#5

#6

#7 For those of you who don't know anyone in my office, you'll just have to trust me that for the most part, these are pretty frighteningly spot on. Be forewarned, this activity will eat up a fair portion of your day, so proceed with caution.

In case you couldn't tell exactly who everyone is supposed to be, here are the answers:

#1 Jack (he weighed in on this depiction more than a little bit)

#2 Brett (I think the eyepatch really sells the look... especially at a picnic...)

#3 Ammon (my personal favorite--it really couldn't get more Ammon-y without being an actual picture of Ammon)

#4 Annie (she really does have arms, but the dark gloves kind of make them hard to see)

#5 Blair (and his lovely wife Stacey, who apparently likes to chain-smoke at 7 a.m.--we didn't actually construct Stacey, the wallpaper just happened to have a blonde woman already there for us)

#6 John (seriously, spot on. We actually chose a set of eyes that made him look less worried, lest you think we went overboard...)

#7 Ann (Ammon pointed out the neck scarf as a particularly Ann-ish quality)

Random TV Detritus

I couldn't come up with any logical organization for all the bits of televisual flotsam and jetsam that have been swirling around in my head of late, so I'm just going to throw them all in one miscellaneous post. Between the summer shows coming to an end, the TCAs (Television Critics Association panel-y type conference-y thingamajig), and BBC America invading my viewing agenda more and more, I've got a lot of randomness going on and simply can't be bothered to organize any of it beyond the most basic of categories. Long story short? Not thinking is muuuuch easier than thinking.

USA NETWORK UPDATES:

IN PLAIN SIGHT: While there's not a lot less fanfare involved with USA Network pick-ups, I was pleased nonetheless to hear that In Plain Sight just got the green light for a third season. It's really the little second tier show that could. I have to admit, I'm pretty surprised at just how much this show has grown on me over the past two seasons. I can't imagine it will ever become a top tier contender, but it makes for a nice addition to my schedule (especially my ridiculously slim Sunday viewing options). I'm a little afraid of where Mary's personal life is headed (what with the ill-fated engagement and all), but at least her mother has seemingly disappeared and her sister has been reduced to cameos. The writers are building up the sexual tension between Mary and Marshall and it's becoming more and more apparent that Marshall thinks of her as more than just a partner. It's a pretty standard storyline, but I have some ideas on how the writers could make it pretty awesome. I don't know that I'd ever like to see Mary and Marshall become a couple or anything, but I do enjoy the differing agendas going on. My predictions? I think the third season will illuminate to everyone the true nature of Mary and Marshall's relationship. Raf may be her romantic partner, but Marshall is quite clearly her partner in every other conceivable sense of the word. I'm not sure to what extent Marshall may or may not be in love with Mary, but I'm excited to find out. I realize I'm the only person who watches this show, so I don't expect anyone else to jump on the bandwagon here, but I'm thinking next season is going to be pretty awesome. The season 2 finale is on Sunday, so if you're just now thinking you'd like to give it a shot, this wouldn't be the most ideal time...

ROYAL PAINS: In other pick-up news, Royals Pains got the go ahead for next year after surprisingly decent ratings. Royal Pains isn't as horrible as I would have expected (it's fairly watchable, if not anything to write home about), but I think I'm giving it the official heave-ho. I've only kept up with it in the most cursory of ways, but even that is more than I really care to give. If USA didn't make it so damned easy to keep up with crap (what with airing them a million times), I'd have never have given it this much of my time. The fact that it's a summer show also played a part... In spite of all these aspects, it's as blah as ever and I'm done.

BURN NOTICE: Awww, Burn Notice. Eases the pain. How insane has this season been? With each passing episode, I become less and less supremely confident that everything will work out okay. Michael Westen may have actual magically powers when it comes to spy-ishness, but the baddies have been coming out in full force this year. While past seasons have been much more specifically client-of-the-week, this season has seen Michael and company be the clients more and more often. The tension between Mike and Fi hasn't helped calm the seas either. I'll be posting more about Burn Notice after Thursday's mid-season finale (which, holy moly, have you seen the sneak peek pics?! Ahhh!), but for now, rest assured that my most darling of shows has been renewed for next season, much to no one's surprise. The second half of the third season won't air till January 2010 (gah!), so soak up all the Burn Notice-y goodness while you have the chance.

CW NETWORK UPDATES:

THE BODY POLITIC: In spite of the fact that it had some serious potential, I'm hearing that The Body Politic is officially dead. Network president Dawn Ostroff confirmed today at the TCAs that the show won't be making it on the air, not even at mid-season as so very many people (read: me) had hoped. Word is, the actors have all moved on and been cast in other productions. I don't know if Dawn herself held the ax on this one, but I choose to blame her regardless. Here's hoping Jason Dohring finds a new gig that won't get cancelled... assuming he finds something that gets picked up in the first place... Oy.

GOSSIP GIRL: In better CW news, I'm also hearing that the rather unfortunate Gossip Girl spin-off with Lily's backstory is looking unlikelier by the minute. No official death notice, but it doesn't sound like it'll ever happen. That's not say that a spin-off isn't a possibility in the future, but that the original conception won't likely make it off the ground. I, like many, am rather relieved to hear this... Those Lily flashbacks were...not good, we'll say. It's a shame too because there were more than a few Veronica Mars alums in that thum thar flashback sequence...

OTHER NETWORK UPDATES:

DOLLHOUSE: I finally got around to watching the unaired pilot (you know, the one that was pretty much entirely scrapped) and I have to say, in many ways I liked it quite a bit better than the pilot that actually aired. I've heard conflicting reports of just why the original pilot was scrapped, and although the prevailing notion is that Joss himself was unhappy with it, I maintain that the brass at Fox had more than a little to do with it as well. In the plus column, the original pilot felt a lot more Whedon-esque, it explained the rules of the Dollhouse universe in a way that made much more sense and was much more logical in application, and most importantly, it didn't have the largely weak A-plot story-of-the-week of the official pilot (the aspect with which I was the most unimpressed). The hostage negotiator, procedural-style A-plot of the official pilot left me underwhelmed, a little annoyed, and tended to muddy the waters as far as the science and lore of the show is concerned. To be fair, it's hard to know how I would have reacted to the original pilot had I not seen the entire series thus far, but I'm supremely confident I would have liked it better. In defense of the official pilot, had the original aired instead, the series would have taken a very different path. In the original pilot, Ballard meets Echo right off the bat, Victor is revealed to the audience as a doll, and Echo's notions of self are already starting to show. The original set thinks up more clearly, but threw a whole lot of plot progression into that single episode. I've never been one for weak A-plots, so I think that's my primary bone of contention with the official pilot and really shouldn't reflect on the entire pilot as a whole, but kinda does... In terms of a pilot setting up the rest of the season, I can be persuaded that the official pilot was better, but as a stand-alone, I think the original had more going for it. I haven't watched Epitaph One yet, but I hear it's a whole lotta "huh?" For which, I'm unduly excited. :) In other Dollhouse news, I'm hearing Amy Acker (aka Dr. Saunders aka Whiskey) has been confirmed for three episodes for season 2. Thanks to her role in Happy Town, she just isn't as available and one would hope... Here's hoping they make the most of those three episodes. No official word yet on Alan Tudyk, but I'm hearing he'll be back as Alpha somewhere toward the middle of next season. In casting news, I'm hearing that Battlestar Galactica alums Apollo and Saul Tigh will be joining Helo for an episode a piece. Apollo is set for the premiere, as I recall... In even more exciting casting news, I hear that Alexis Denisof (aka Wesley from Buffy and Angel) is on the docket for next season. Yay! I've missed him... And I'd love to see him and Amy Acker onscreen together again. Finally, I've also heard the Felicia Day will find her way into the mix again somehow and there are plans to bring Summer Glau into the fold, although nothing official has been written. The show (as with most Whedon productions) is pretty much turning into one big family reunion--only this is a reunion you'd actually want to attend. :)

SKINS: Most of you have probably never even heard of Skins, but I'm going to tout its premiere nonetheless. For some connections for you, one of the kids in the show (Dev Patel) went on to star in Slumdog Millionaire as Jamal and remember that socially awkward kid (Nick Hoult, pictured) from About A Boy? Well, he's all grown up and raising hell for the first two seasons. (Quite contrary to what you'd have thought after seeing About A Boy, he totally plays the leader of the pack, the rake, the cad--basically the tool.) The third season starts up on Thursday and I'm more than a little giddy, if slightly apprehensive. Skins follows a group of British teens as they try to find their way in a world of questionable parenting, drugs, sex, violence, and pretty much everything else. It sounds like your straight-forward teen drama, but as with so many British shows, it doesn't pull any punches and has a much grittier, edgier feel to it than most of what's available on standard American programming. Along with the grit, the show is bitingly funny and manages to blend serious character development in with all the light and dark and crazy of the world around them. My apprehension comes from the fact that, aside from Effy, it's an entirely new cast. I'm sure the writers will knock it out of the park once again in spite of the new cast, but I just don't know if it'll be the same without Tony, Michelle, Sid, Cassie, and company... Regardless, I can't wait to find out. :) Seasons 1 and 2 are available on iTunes, if you're interested. Bear in mind, it's definitely not G-rated, so you've been warned. If, however, teenage debauchery is up your alley, you've officially hit the jackpot.

Being Human: kinda like Twilight, only, you know, well written

I have long enjoyed having the BBC (well, BBC America) among my plentiful beyond plentiful list of channels. Officially, I watch the BBCA because of their excellent news coverage, hard-hitting documentaries, and global perspective... In actuality, and by stark contrast, I really watch it for the cheesy musical theatre singing competitions and racy, drug-addled adolescent indulgences. And just when I thought the reality of my BBCA infatuation couldn't get less prim and proper, along comes Being Human, because what viewing schedule would be complete without a show about three roommates who happen to be a ghost, a vampire, and a werewolf?

As I have come to find after only two exquisite episodes, it wouldn't be any viewing schedule at all.
Now don't get me wrong, I realize that when boiled down to its basics, Being Human sounds derivative and lame. But, as with so many questionable concepts (this being high concept), when placed in the correct hands even the most ridiculous of conceits can be completely awesome. Seriously, who'd have thought a show about a teenage vampire slayer would work? And who'd have dreamed that a series about a high school girl who moonlights as a detective would be such a classic? Much like Buffy, Veronica Mars and countless others before it, Being Human manages to take a seemingly ludicrous concept in an overdone genre and make it work surprisingly well.

I first heard about the show on Television Without Pity, and in case there were any doubt as to how much TV I watch and just how much I keep up with TV online, the television add for the show quoted TWoP, saying, "...it's pretty much my dream series." To which I thought to myself, That would be Angel Cohn with TWoP, as I recall. Annnnd it totally was. On the surface, that's incredibly sad, but in my own twisted little way, I've decided to think of it as... accomplished. So there. (Semantics, peeps. It's all about semantics.)

Anyway, Being Human follows a vampire and a werewolf who have become friends and who have inadvertently moved into an apartment that is haunted (sort of) by a ghost. As a trio of unnatural/supernatural characters, they can relate to one another in ways that ordinary people simply can't. It's kind of like Three's Company, if... you know... Chrissy were dead. Which, now that I think of it, that clearly does sound like a winning concept after all (an improvement at the very least)...

The show has some of the usual trappings for this genre, but manages to make them fresh and intriguing. Mitchell, the resident vampire, struggles with his, uh, condition as he grapples with his identity and tries to decide which side he wants to take. He ardently chooses humanity, as is the genre's wont, but is torn between who he is and what he is, likening himself to a lapsed Catholic. Unlike other abstaining vampires, much of Mitchell's equivocacy (which actually is a word, even though Word doesn't think so) is born of his friendships with George, the trio's werewolf, and Annie, the ghost they've moved in with. Mitchell broods with the best of the reformed vampires out there, but he has found a pair of unlikely kindred spirits (almost literally, in Annie's case) which gives him a very positive, almost sunny approach to his attempt at, well, being human. He's very un-predatory as a human, so when juxtaposed with the killer inside, he's decidedly torn. Being faced with his latest convert on a regular basis and facing his other fellow vampires as a budding war approaches only manages to fuel the flame. In spite of this, he's far and away the most open to humanity and hilariously invites his neighbors over, a move with horrifies his roommates as much for being dangerous as for being un-British. He's a real delight and curiously social. Plus, he doesn't sparkle in the sun, shooting rainbows in every direction, so we're already way ahead of the game. And I'm not going to lie, the fact that he's very (!) easy to look at doesn't hurt either.

While Mitchell seems to embrace who he is, even if he doesn't actively engage in his, uh, culture (?), George does everything in his power to hide/erase/forget/disavow the fact that he's a werewolf. Even as I type this review, the show sounds absolutely absurd on the page, but you'll just have to trust me when I say that the show makes it all work. George is fairly new to the paranormal game and spends much of his time just trying to figure out how to live his new life. He wasn't particularly socially gifted in his old life, methinks, so he's even more flustered, awkward, and out of place now more than ever. At the end of the day, the issues dealt with by each of these characters boil down into emotional and social conundrums that everyone can understand and relate to, lack of werewolf-ism notwithstanding. George meets another werewolf, but finds that trying to accept the monstrous side of his life transforms him into another person just as entirely as the full moon does. George more fervently tries to reject his supernatural ways than Mitchell, but all in all, he's just trying to be human all the same.

Annie rounds out the trio and is somehow the most human and least human all at the same time. The show doesn't elucidate all the rules of being a ghost right up front and neither Annie nor the audience are sure what the limitations are. At times she's fairly corporeal, at others, she simply vanishes. Some people can see her (the paranormal set seem to have no problem in this regard), and yet others (most notably, her ex-fiancé and his new girlfriend) cannot. I think it's this uncertainty that makes her situation and her yearning for her old life somehow the most de-humanizing of the three of them. Neither Mitchell nor George are human, but they can fake it. Annie can't. She's not a monster, but she's not human either. She's in limbo in every sense of the word. It's sadly poignant that the one who's the most human of the three has the least ability to embrace humanity. Her attempts at being human are, so far, limited and confusing, both encouraging and devastating all at once. Indeed, her most meaningful human contact comes from her new roomies who aren't really human at all.

At first glance, it seems unfathomable that this cast of characters in this type of set up could really capture your average viewer, what with him/her being all human and all, but Being Human is grounded in the real world and the pain, emotions, and confusion triggered by each of their other-worldly situations are somehow universal. Feelings of disconnection, loneliness, not fitting in, fear, and yearning are things everyone can understand and the drive for human contact and finding your own identity can apply to any random person walking down the street as well they can to vampires, ghosts, werewolves, or what have you. I connected to these characters almost instantly and not in a fanciful, dungeons-and-dragons-y sort of way, but on a palpable human level. The writers have anchored the characters in a very average, everyday universe and have set rules for each being that largely adhere to tradition. All the facets and regulations haven't yet be illuminated, but all the basics appear to be in place (unlike a certain crappy tween series of novels which shall remain nameless... [stiltedly] ex-cept-in-the-title-of-this-post... oh, well). This makes their exploits and emotional crises easier to comprehend and more logical in such an ordinary, modern context. Essentially, these characters are dealing with all the same issues the humans do, only in a much more entertaining way. What can I say? People are largely boring...

The concept, the setting, and the emotional register form the bare bones of the show, but I think it's the tone that won me over first and foremost. The show has a very Dead Like Me vibe to it that I'm totally digging. It's funny and dark and quirky all at once. When being persuaded to give up human ways, a fellow vampire asks Mitchell, "Have you seen Britain's Got Talent? I mean really, what are you saving?" Assuming Britain's Got Talent is even a tenth as unfortunate as America's Got Talent, who can really argue with her logic there? At another point, during the most heated of arguments, Mitchell makes a jab at werewolves to which George incredulously responds, "I'm... pretty sure that's racist!" The show underwrites the dark with the light, the edgy with the funny, and the natural with the unnatural all with ease. It's a surprising joy to watch and I quite frankly can't wait till Saturday.

That's right people, as though I wasn't enjoying the show enough, it airs on BBC America on Saturdays so I don't even have to worry about DVR conflicts. I'm pretty sure I couldn't ask for anything more...

Here's a clip. It's probably not the most exemplifying clip in the world, but it's the best one I could find:

Going Deep

Okay, I wasn't planning on mentioning anything about TNT's latest drama Dark Blue, but it's the only thing to have premiered lately and I'm feelin' a little bloggy (which sounds only slightly worse than it is).

As with so many of the latest shows on TV, the writers out there appear to be pretty desperate to find a new angle on the standard cop show/procedural. Writers have been scouring pretty much every nook and cranny of the job looking for ways to change things up and hopefully present something new and different to viewers. Here we have the latest incarnation. Dark Blue centers around the dark, seedy, dangerous world of undercover work. As far as fishing for new material is concerned, I've certainly heard of worse, so I went in to this show with a bit of optimism.

All told, it wasn't a bad pilot, but where the writers have striven (which is actually a word) to find a fresh approach to an old conceit with their focus un undercover agents, it ultimately uses a whole bunch of the same elements, character traits, and storlyline motifs that so many other cop shows have in spades. Fortunately for this viewer, I don't watch a lot of cop shows (and only a few procedurals), so while I could clearly recognize a lot of the same stuff I'd seen before, it's not the kind of premise I watch every week, so it didn't wear on me as it likely could have.

Dark Blue centers on Dylan McDermot's character Carter, the leader of a super secret (basically black ops) undercover team that infiltrates criminal organizations, gang, and crime syndicates in an attempt to take them down from the inside. The pilot centers around a member of Carter's team who, it is feared, has gotten in too deep and is believed may have turned. It's a dynamic that isn't explored all that often in my usual line-up of shows, so in that sense, the deep cover angle did manage to make this particular cop show refreshing. The psychological impact of this line of work is largely unparalleled and the fear that simply doing the job well could lead to your own teammate turning against you is a compelling dynamic to explore. The ways in which this line of work affects who a person is, how they do their jobs, and what their family and friends have to endure is something I haven't really seen a lot of, so it genuinely was a more unique angle than I expected.

That said, I'm not sure the execution of this concept was expertly carried out and I have to wonder about the long-term viability of the conceit. Along with the more interesting and uncommon psychological, professional, and interpersonal dynamics of the show, it also offered a healthy dollop of the usual fare. In standard badass cop show fashion, Carter is the leader of a rag tag group of undercover cops who do their job better than anyone else, blah, blah, blah. You know, the kind of cast that walks down a dark alley in slow motion (you wouldn't believe how easy it was to find a picture to back this up). What would lead Carter to this line of work? Well, as per usual, his wife was killed or something, which we learn, I kid you not, as he watches old home videos while drowning his sorrows in a dark, empty apartment. Also, the pilot very un-subtley points to aspects of addiction in his life and his total "the job is all I have to live for" lonerishness. McDermot does a decent enough job with the role, but the writers doled out way too much of his character right off the bat and didn't really leave me wanting to know more.

I found the supporting cast to be much stronger, even in spite of some pretty obvious archetypal characters. We have the glasses-wearing, yet still attractive command center operator, the rebel who pushes the boundaries and breaks the rules, the dutiful, yet flawed operative who tries to do right by everyone, and of course, the new recruit (because if there's one thing this kind of show needs, it's a newbie who acts as the audience's window into this new world--basically just an excuse for plot exposition). Oh, and she's blonde and sexy, lest you think they'd break the mold. She's a cop with a checkered past or something, so Carter seeks her out and brings her into the fold or whatever... You know, the usual.

Anyway, in spite of the standard character constructions, the supporting cast actually did a pretty good job with the roles and did a fair job making the characters their own. I thought Logan Marshall-Green (who plays Dean, the rebellious undercover cop who might have turned) did the best job, although granting that he clearly had the most to work with. It took me a while to figure out who he was, but as it turns out, he played Trey Atwood on The O.C. Had his character in Dark Blue killed of some sort of ersatz Marissa, I'd have been beside myself with O.C. nostalgia. :) No such luck, but he certainly had the most compelling storyline and the most engaging psychological situation. His relationship with Carter (a kind of father/son, mentor-ish type vibe) added even more layers. The look on Carter's face when presented with evidence that Dean has turned was one of the best scenes in the pilot. He plays your typical bad boy, but he does it with panache and quite a lot of charm.

Officer Good Cop and New Recruit Blondie (whose names I can't remember) round out the regular cast, and for what they were given, did a decent enough job. Officer Good Cop elucidates the struggle between an undercover cop's personal and professional lives (and clearly has a difficult time separating the two) and New Recruit Blondie takes on the role of enthusiastic newbie, a character we've all seen before. To the character's credit, she's not quite a doe-eyed as usual and certainly less useless, but I still didn't find her all that engaging. I was actually quite glad to see her jump right in to her new position and actually do it well. It was a nice change of pace from the rookie who screws everything up, but she still struck me as a stock character through and through. It'll take quite a few more episodes for these two to make a splash, but in and of themselves, they're decent enough and serves their respective purposes well.

In terms of the episode-to-episode progression of the story, I'm just not sure how a show with this concept is going to work. It can't really be a procedural, given that each undercover assignment requires weeks, months, and even years at a time, so unless the show skips around in time an awful lot, the audience is going to be presented with story arcs that take an awfully long time to pay off. Depending on what approach the writers ultimately take, this could be disastrous or awesome. I've never been too fond of procedurals that wrap everything up in a nice little bow at the end of the hour, but at the same time, I don't know that I want to watch an undercover agent slowly trying to worm his or her way into a group of criminals over the course of an entire season. It's a problematic conceit from a standard TV format point of view, but that doesn't mean they can't make it work. I'll be giving this one a few more episodes to really establish itself, but after having only seen the pilot, I'm more uneasy than anything else. The show has a lot working for it, but it also has a lot of logistical nightmares to grapple with. Personally, I'm hoping the writers establish some of the criminal elements in such a way that the audience, along with the cops, has a hard time deciding whose side they want to be on. That's not an easy thing to do, even if I think it would be the most compelling way to run the series, so the writers on Dark Blue definitely have their work cut out for them if that's the angle they take.

My only other major concern with the show is in terms of tone. The pilot was very dark and even a little disturbing at times (the show literally opened on a scene of a guy being tortured with electro-shock--not really my cup of tea). I love my hard-hitting dramas as much as the next person, but for a show on TNT, particularly one paired with the light-hearted revenge caper Leverage, I'm just not sure that's going to strike the proper chord with audiences. The pilot premiered to a good-sized audience, but it's darker and more sobering than TNT's usual fare. Not that that's a bad thing, but it's a heavy way to end an evening, especially after the goofy antics on Dark Blue's lead-in. It almost felt like the show was trying very very hard to be dark for the sole sake of being dark, rather than as a natural extension of the subject matter. All in all, it felt a little forced.

At the end of the day, it was a pretty well-made pilot and has some decent bones to work with, Jerry Bruckheimer's involvement notwithstanding. The base concept has merit, but I'm not sure it's being showcased as well as it could be here. I'll be giving Dark Blue a couple more weeks to really find its footing, but so far, it's take it or leave it.

Bryce Larkin, Back in Action

Even though the Big 4 (ABC, NBC, CBS, and Fox (the CW is kind of there too, but not really--the Big 4 1/2? Oh, CW... you try real hard, don't you...)) get the most attention come pilot season, cable can't be counted out. Yes, even basic cable. With my love of Burn Notice and Psych (and to a lesser extent, In Plain Sight) in mind, I'm more than a little intrigued by USA Network's latest project. Add my love of USA Network to my love for NBC's Chuck, and I think we might just have a winner on our hands.

USA's newest show (set to premiere this fall-ish) stars Chuck alum Matthew Bomer (aka Bryce Larkin). It would appear that Bryce was killed off for real this time in the season 2 finale, so his schedule should be wide open to headline a new show. I've always rather enjoyed Matthew Bomer (on several levels) and I'm really glad to see he'll be back on TV in yet another action/comedy series.

All that's come out so far is a short promo:

My Take: Well, it's a concept we've seen before, but I have to admit, it's one I haven't seen for a while (particularly on TV). The whole Catch Me If You Can, cops and criminals working together conceit has been done, to be sure, but I still think this show has a lot of potential. As mentioned, it has a lot going for it at the baseline. USA Network has a pretty impressive track record with lighter procedural shows, and handled in the right way, I think White Collar could be a hell of a lot of fun. It doesn't appear to take itself too seriously (which is good), and if anyone can pull off that rakish rogue bravado, I think it's Bomer. As I mentioned, this is the kind of dynamic that's been done a few times before, but with good reason. I've always rather enjoyed the "that's how I would do it" approach to solving crimes and who better to fill in those blanks than a criminal? This arrangement generally makes for interesting interpersonal relationships as well. Neither party really knows if he or she can trust the other, so even when the working relationship appears to be at its best, there's always doubt. It makes for a more clouded, insecure dynamic, and that can make for a nice roller-coaster of motives, agendas, and allegiances. Count me in.

Bottom Line? In spite of Tiffani Thiessen and the Saved By The Bell/90210-vertones that she brings to the table, I think this could be a lot of fun and not a lot of commitment. It doesn't strike me as the kind of show that you simply can't miss an episode or you'll be lost for the season and a half, which is nice sometimes. Don't get me wrong, I love the high commitment shows as well, but it's also nice to have something a little lighter and more playful on the docket. I'll definitely be giving this one a chance and hope it lives up to expectations.

ABC Pilots: Volume 2

I don't know exactly what ABC's schedule looks like for next year (they're so thoroughly subject to change that I don't generally bother until the time comes--plus, with the DVR, it doesn't really matter), but, given the sheer (shear?) volume, I have to assume that several of their pilots will premiere at midseason... It's looking like V, Deep End, and Happy Town will all start up around January. I am finally, finally, finally getting around to the rest of ABC's lineup. I tried to coax Annie into taking the reins on these, but she had a lot of non-wedding anniversary stuff to take care of...

At any rate, the rest of the contenders (those who weren't included in volume 1) are as follows:

THE FORGOTTEN


My Take: Well, right off the bat, for a show with as serious a subject matter as this, it seems pretty spectacularly cheesetastic... although I suppose that's a natural extension of earnest self-importance... It's honestly kind of difficult to even assess this kind of show after a while. This is an admittedly different angle on the procedural, but I'm not sure it's an improvement. Although the approach is a bit different, the end result and ultimate goals are still largely the same. This puts a bit more focus on identifying the victim than your usual crime show, but I don't think that's enough to re-invent this particular wheel. The victim's voice-over didn't really work for me and I'm hoping that was for the sake of the pilot and not an ongoing motif, but I'm guessing I'm wrong. In all honesty, this show will look a hell of a lot different when it actually becomes a series. Several cast changes have already been made, including the lead, and not for the better... Hot off the ignominious failure that was My Own Worst Enemy, Christian Slater will play Alex Donovan, a former lawman who heads up the "Identity Network" (which sounds more like a social networking site than a super-duper crime fighting team to me). The role was filled in the pilot by British actor Rupert Penry-Jones (BBC's Spooks). Also, the role of Linda is being recast as well. She was played in the pilot by Reiko Aylesworth from 24. Anyway, when major cast shake-ups occur, usually the whole entity undergoes some serious changes, so I expect this will turn into something quite different than what we're seeing now. Given the changes so far, and the fact that Jerry Bruckheimer has his sticky fingers involved, I'm afraid the changes won't be for the better.

Bottom Line? I think this is going to be yet another derivative crime procedural in an already overcrowded sea of derivative crime procedurals. I'll give it a shot, but I think my quota has already been filled.

V


My Take: I have to say, of all the pilots coming out this fall, V looks like it has the most potential for awesomeness. This series is based on a miniseries from the 80s that has a fairly substantial cult following. I never actually saw the miniseries, so I'll be embarking into this territory without any pre-conceived notions. Not only does the concept have a lot of potential, but the show boasts a pretty impressive cast thus far. Elizabeth Mitchell (of Lost fame) is headlining the show and she is joined by various Whedon alums who play fellow FBI peeps and aliens alike. The giant face in the sky belongs to Morena Baccarin (aka Inara from Firefly) and I believe that was Alan Tudyk playing one of Mitchells FBI comrades (I've heard conflicting information about his involvement in the show, but I'm wagering he'll be at least a recurring character, if not a regular). At first, it has an unfortunate Independence Day vibe, but fortunately said vibe was stolen from much better source materials, so I'm confident V will hold its own and avoid any and all Will Smith-related comparisons (I've only seen the trailer and can tell you it deserves much better). It may just be the sci-fi geek inside me, but I'm kinda sorta totally stoked to see Morena and company lull humanity into a stupor of admiration and devotion and then destroy the whole lot... Call me crazy, but that sounds like a grand old time. :) Sci-fi has had a hard run over the past few years, so I'm hoping to hell this show really knocks it out of the park and finds a following right quick. ABC has a better track record for such feats than, say, I don't know, Fox, so with any luck, it shouldn't be a problem. V will premiere at midseason, presumably after Lost's final season premiere.

Bottom Line? The whole affair looks solid from beginning to end. I've always enjoyed a show that appeals to a cult following. Add that to my Whedon devotion and the glowing reviews I've come across so far and I suspect this will feature prominently in my top tier. It looks to be a slick production from people who know what they're doing, so I'm confident it will handled in the right way. I kinda can't wait. :) Scott Wolf notwithstanding.

MODERN FAMILY


My Take: You know, at first glance, I assumed it would be awful, but it actually looks pretty decent. Good, I dare say. It's not often that a promo alone is enough to elicit even a smile from me, but the preview for Modern Family was actually pretty funny here and there. The single camera style is pretty much the norm these days and as far as I'm concerned, is totally welcomed. Anything that means there's no laugh track and I'm on board. I can't help but to think if Arrested Development had come out this year, it would have done oh-so-much better. Anyway, in kind of a similar vein, Modern Family is delightfully disfunctional (rather than desperately, laboriously disfunctional, which is so often the case). I'm not completely sold on the show, what with my hatred for children on TV and all, but this one seems to be hitting a much funnier and more enjoyable note than most. The scene on the plane really cracked me up. It just so simple and yet effective and funny to have the baby holding actual cream puffs that I couldn't help but to smile. And offering to pay for everyone's headsets? Perfect.

Bottom Line? When I first heard about this one, I assumed it would be your standard family comedy, but I'm very pleased to see that it has a lot more edge and a lot better approach than the crap that's currently out there. There aren't a lot of comedies that really strike the right chord with me, but, shocked as I am, I think Modern Family might just hit the right note. As long as it steers clear of the usual cliches and keeps an inappropriate edge, I think it'll work. Here's hoping.

THE MIDDLE


My Take: You know those standard, un-funny family comedies I mentioned in the Modern Family discussion? Yeah... The Middle is one of those. This show just appears to be trying so very hard to be funny that it totally isn't. The whole "haggard mother who doesn't know what happened to her life" routine is pretty played out (not that I cared to watch it the first 874 times) and I have the slightest tendency to completley loathe Patricia Heaton, so this one was off-putting from the get-go. It was a very short clip, but somehow way too long all at the same time. This show really doesn't seem to be up my alley or worth my time. When I saw that it was billed as "a sitcom about a Midwestern family living middle-American values," I pretty much knew it wasn't going to be love at first sight. I'd have lemon-lawed this sucker in seconds.

Bottom Line? I'll pass, thanks. I don't have children, don't want to have children, and don't need this show to remind me of just how much I don't want to have children in order to not have children. Blah.

HANK


My Take: The dreaded laugh track... It's annoying on principle, but when applied to something that doesn't actually elicit any laughing, it basically shines a spotlight on the un-funniness. Ugh. I generally quite enjoy Kelsey Grammer and adored the first several seasons of Frasier, but with this new gig, Grammer doesn't appear to have found his footing or really created a character. I realize that generally takes more than just a pilot to establish, but it was still kind of painful to see him so out of depth. It's not like it's the kind of role he couldn't handle, he just, well... didn't. The dialogue was clunky and forced, the jokes were ham-fisted, and the laugh track helped show me where the writers actually thought they were being funny, but totally weren't. It's the kind of concept that could work, if standard sitcom fare is your game, but I'm underwhelmed. And a little in pain.

Bottom Line? Well, um... it's good to see he's getting work? Ugh. It would take a whole hell of a lot to make this work and from what I've seen and read, it ain't gonna happen.

THE DEEP END




My Take: Well, show for show, this baby has more "oh hey, it's that guy!" than just about any other I've come across. Teeming with people who have been in a bunch of other stuff can be a detriment at times, but none of these were real headliners in previous projects, so I don’t think it’ll be a problem. Was that Billy Zane? He kind of fell of the planet… or should I say, into “the deep end”! Oy. Sorry, couldn’t resist. Anyway, this looks like kind of a throw back to legal shows of the late 90s, so I’m feeling a bit nostalgic. The tone looks to be more lighthearted than your usual hard-hitting drama, but toward the end of the preview, they seemed to be trying to walk the comedy/drama line and, sadly, not walking it very well. It has your standard legal show clichés and stereotypical characters, but that’s not to say it doesn’t have promise. There’s a reason that formula is so popular, after all. I’m just afraid that it won’t be able to really make its own mark and will lose my attention before I can really get invested. I adore Tina Majorino (she was one of the many wonderful aspects of Veronica Mars), but her character seems to be particularly (and intentionally) annoying, and not in a charming way, so that’s a downer. The rest of the cast appears to be decent enough and suitably charming for this kind of set up, so if the writers play their cards right, I don’t see why this couldn’t be a nice little genre piece. Taken in the wrong direction, and it could just be a derivative mess. Only time will tell.

Bottom Line? I’m not over the moon for this one, but it doesn’t look awful… yet. There were certain aspects to the preview that rubbed me the wrong way, but it looks watchable overall. I don’t think it’d ever be a first tier contender, but hopefully it’s good enough to grace the second.

That's a goldfish cracker...

Given that 90% of the people who read my blog read Annie's blog as well, you likely have come across Annie's most recent post Celebrating Freedom. Well, prior to posting, she had me read over it to see if anything was missing. Turns out, all that was missing was commentary (and a few other story tidbits that she won't allow me to post...). Anyway, for those of you who already know this story, I'm sure you have more than a few comments of your own, so feel free to add comments for anything I may have missed.

Below is a copy of her story (in black) and my thoughts on the situation (in blue). (It seemed a fitting color combination...) Enjoy, reminisce, gag...

• This weekend is the 4th of July. As most of you know, it's my favorite holiday. But that's not the only thing I'm celebrating this week. No, today marks the 4-year anniversary of my un-wedding day... I don't even know where to begin. It's somewhat of a hilarious story, rich in intrigue and a lot of "what the...?!". Let me just start by saying: I AM SO GLAD PEOPLE (i.e., me) CAN CHANGE {So are we all, Annie. So are we all.}.
  
  About 4 1/2 years ago, I was ramping up to start my last semester of college, trying to decide what I wanted to do with my life. Through a strange twist of whatever, I had ended up living by myself. I was feeling lonely and vulnerable. It was the holiday season, and while I had a wonderful family not too far away, it was kind of depressing to come home to an empty house in the bleak winter. (Note: this is in no way justification for what comes up next... {I'm not sure a bout of psychosis could adequately justify what's about to come next, but I do enjoy that your justification includes words like: lonely, vulnerable, depressing, bleak, and empty--but it's totally not a justification!})
  
  At that time, I had been dabbling in the world of Internet dating--which, now having the hindsight I do, I would not recommend--and I came across an interesting guy. 'Interesting' is the only word to describe him, really {Oh, I don’t know. I’m pretty sure I can think of a few more… see below}. We chatted all night one night and I figured that meant love {I can't believe Webster's Dictionary let you down like that...}. I mean, a guy is interested by my profile and wants to talk with me? Score. I had made it through a year and a half of living in Utah's biggest dating pool {read: shark tank} and hadn't gotten a ring on my finger yet. Read: I was desperate. For some reason, I had gotten it through my head that if I made it through college unmarried, I would have been a failure {“For some reason?” Seriously? Have ya met Provo? I’m pretty sure the name comes from the old English verb “provote,” meaning “to drown single people over the age of 22 in a lake.”}
  
  So here I was, chatting with this guy (whose profile picture wasn't half bad {yeah, it was all bad—ba dum bum}) and feeling like we connected. We agreed to chat the next night, too. You know, it was kind of nice to have something to look forward to the next day. I was a little wary, only having known this guy via the Internet, but I tend to give people the benefit of the doubt and gloss over their flaws. But we ended up chatting for another long night, at which point he saw fit to tell me something about how we were destined to be together {"You hang up." "No, you hang up."} I fell. Hard. {Can you say MMfeo…? ma FE o…?} A guy who was interested in me! For ME! It was fate!! He wanted more pictures; I sent them. He wanted to meet in person; I planned a trip to California. It seemed like everything was falling into place in happy little Annie world.
  
  We'll fast forward a little bit...so many (now embarrassing) things happened in the next couple months. Now that I can look back at it and see how ridiculous I was, I can chuckle and be so grateful that I dodged that bullet. Here are some of our adventures:
  
  * My parents and sister came with me to California to meet him. Oh what a trip...I'm so grateful for a father who was willing to help me see something through, even though I'm sure he was afraid for my total well-being. Seriously. Kudos to him. On this trip, I discovered that this guy had a horrible car, horrible job, was mean to his mother, and didn't respect me like he should. But there I was, kissing him {excuse me while I go scrub that image out of my head… Yeah… I really hated that guy}. And wearing a fake engagement ring. Man, the blinders were on... He even gave me his letterman jacket {well, now that you’re 16…}.
  
  * We got a joint phone plan. Hey, free talking time whenever we wanted. I would text him from work, he would call and leave me sappy voicemails. Honestly, though, we didn't know ANYTHING about each other {well, in his defense, “I’m an annoying psychopath” isn’t really a good opening line--unless you're a pasty vampire from a crappy series of novels, that is... then it works like a charm}.
  
  * He came to visit me for Valentine's Day...I paid for half his plane ticket. (Stupid, so stupid!) We went and took pictures on Temple Square. He thought we should use them for our engagement photos. Looking at those pictures, he had a little head and we looked so weird sitting next to each other! I wish I still had them for a little show-and-tell... {and I wish I had them for blackmail} Also for Valentine's Day, we went and visited his sister who lives in Utah. And we all went out to dinner. The original plan was to go to Chuck-A-Rama {geez, if that was plan A, I don't even want to know what plan B was... oh wait}, but who knew it would be so busy on Valentine's Day? So we ended up at... Beto's. Romantic, eh? {Ohhhh, Beto’s. HA! Solid gold. Oh, Annie, he was a real winner, er, I mean, gourmand… Nothin’ says lovin’ like salmonella… The couple that crumples over in pain together, stays together…}
  
  * I was planning on putting him through school. I was graduating that following Spring, so it worked out perfectly, that I would just work and he'd go to school, and I would fund it all. Problem: he wanted children right away {oh dear lord, the thought of sleeping with that skeezball just wigged me out something fierce. The thought of those Beto's-y fingers all over the place... Eeeeeewwwoaahhhh!}. Even bigger problem: I wasn't going to say no to this plan because I wanted so badly for him to love me that I was willing to sacrifice my entire existence and all of my sanity {a tendency you have thankfully overcome}.
  
  My friends hated him {That’s me! That’s me! You know, what with my being conscious and all, it was kind of impossible to avoid...}. They wouldn't tell me at the time because they really wanted to be supportive of me {Annie, my dear, you were just too gung-ho to listen to reason or notice our disgust—I damn near strained my neck irreparably giving Lisa so many sideways glances and looks of horror}, but now we joke and laugh (and shudder) about how close I came to ruining my life that year. My boss at the time even met him and told me later that he was so angry about the one small interaction they had. My mom cried herself to sleep nightly, afraid that I would be throwing away a good future. And you know what? They were all right. He was not for me. I would like to think that I would have grown up and figured out how smothering and horrible he was on my own...I'm just glad I didn't have to find that out. I can just about guarantee that I would be a divorcee by now if I'd gone through with it {and you’d be toting around little miscreants with his DNA… jam hands and all... "Yikes" just doesn't quite cover it...}.
  
  He didn't want to leave California and move to Utah to be near me. Does anyone see a problem with this? {I don't know, if I were forced to have a relationship with Mr. X, I'm pretty sure I'd want at least a two state buffer.} There was some sort of lame excuse about him being able to move up in the company where he worked--mind you, it was a car dealership. His job? Driving the shuttle van and washing cars {Hey, he was moving up in the world, missy. He was practically a hero, in fact. Whenever a bug gets splattered on a windsheild, he'll be there. Any time a van needs, uh, shuttling...}. Sounds like you got your life all lined up there, buddy. I told him I'd find him a job here. He told me that I should leave my good job (that was turning to full time after I graduated) and go be with him there. "If you love me, you'll do it." Ugh. That's one of the worst phrases in human history. Don't be manipulative like that. {"Ugh" is right. Plus some eye-rolling, gagging, and possible suicide.}
  
  People, this guy was an IDIOT {I like that you used all caps, Annie, just in case the first 800 lines of testimony weren't quite convincing enough}. I make it a point not to bash people on this blog, but I'm trying to prove a point here: don't be afraid to be yourself and find someone who will love you for that. He would always ask me how much weight I was going to lose before the wedding. {"I don't know, Mr. X, how high can you count?"} His wardrobe consisted of bad t-shirts and board shorts--his excuse? "I'm from California. I like to surf." Do you surf every day?! He hadn't done any school. His favorite movie was The Skulls (Lacy likes to remind me of that whenever we get talking about this—{what can I say? It’s a dealbreaker… among many, many, many dealbreakers}). He considered himself an artist {yeah, and I'm a cellist}, but his drawings were hideously awful. Everything had to be his way. He would even tell me how to dress and what I should think.
  
  Slowly, I could feel him pulling away after a couple months of being 'engaged.' He hadn't bought me a ring, and he would yell at me any time I would talk about the future. He bandied the word 'stupid' about when he was addressing me. And I felt stupid. I should have known better, but I am the type of person who tries to fix problems instead of just dumping a relationship, so I figured I just need to work harder at it. So I tried. And it got worse. Lots of tears... lots of self-esteem down the drain... {Now what have learned from this? Always quit. It's a motto that has served me well for decades.}
  
  I didn't love him. I loved the idea of him. During one of our phone conversations, he said, "You don't even know yourself." OUCH. So I sat down and made lists (it's what I do...) about who I was and goals I had and reasons I thought I wanted to be with him. I thought I had solved our relationship issues. I remember one night when he said, "What would you do if I said I didn't want to do this?" Silly me, I thought this was a hypothetical question, but I answered, "I wouldn't make you do it. It wouldn't be worth it." And it was a downward spiral from there {by which you mean an upward spiral to freedom and prosperity}. He stopped returning my calls. He stopped saying 'I love you.' When we did speak, it was very hostile and put me on edge.
  
  Ultimately, he ended up breaking things off {when I tell this story, Annie, you’re the one who broke things off--I believe that's #106, 284 in the best friends handbook--which has clearly thought of everything}. And he did it in a particularly cruel way: over a voicemail that said, "Don't you understand English? It's OVER!!" {That's absurd anyway you slice it, but coming from him? Beyond ridiculous. Every time I've heard anything about the break up, I can hear Mr. X in my head saying, "Me fail English? That's unpossible."} I was devastated the first couple days. I packed up a box of his things and sent it back to him {with some anthrax, one would hope}, called the temple and cancelled our wedding appointment (July 2, 2005), and just called my sister and cried. My family was so supportive as I was dealing with this blow; my dad came and took me to dinner and spoke very wisely about some of his heartache. Everyone in my ward was so kind, especially when I had to say to them, "Oh no, I'm not getting married anymore." After awhile, I was able to laugh and say, "No! It's a good thing!" And I truly believed that.
  
  It really doesn't take long to move on from something so bad for you. It's like after you've been sick and you haven't been able to eat, you have to ease back into normal diet routines, but you're just so grateful you can eat again. {Heh, I thought I was joking with the food poisoning correlation, but yeah, not so much.} I felt like I had been given a new chance at dating and finding someone who wouldn't try to control me or belittle me.
  
  Since then, I know little to nothing of his whereabouts. What I do know is that he ended up getting married after all. To a girl who was a reformed stripper {it was clearly a choice of marry Mr. X or taking a tour on the Rock of Love Bus--oh, holy god, Brett Michaels or Mr. X...? That's actually a tough call... well, Conquest, War, Famine, Death... annnnd this.}. And after figuring out the timeline of how things went down for the two of them, it is quite possible that he was dating her while he was engaged to me. I have so many words for him at this point...but this is a clean blog post, so I will refrain. :) {My blog, however, is not so clean. Annie's ex was a tool/douchebag/dipshit/effing loser/ass face (much like Hurricane Paul).}
  
  I learned so much about life and about myself from this experience. I know people say that all experiences will help you grow, but I didn't see how that was possible at the time. I see 'old me,' though, and I realize how far I've come from there. Firstly, I'd just like to say: being single is awesome. I've learned that I can be comfortable in my own skin, doing my own thing, being independent. Next, I now know that I would rather be single for the rest of my life rather than being with someone who is horrible. No matter what, I will never be so desperate again as to choose a guy who makes me feel like dirt. Life is definitely too short to be with someone who doesn't appreciate me.
  
  And so as I go to sleep in my bed tonight--alone--I will smile...because I didn't get married.
  
  {Now, Annie posted this clip below on her post as well, but believe me, it doesn't do Mr. X justice. I'd much rather have hooked up with crazy Eddie, goldfish crackers and all...}