Saddest part? Palin actually is this stupid...

Hey peeps... The presidential race just gets scarier and scarier. The thought of McCain as president is bad enough, but the knowledge that he probably won't survive the next four years sends a cold shudder down my spine. In the horrifying event that the McCain/Palin ticket makes it to the Whitehouse and McCain keels over dead (as 72-year-old cardiac patients are wont to do), we would actually be faced with the apocalyptic prospect of having Sarah Palin running the joint... I don't know how many of you saw the Katie Couric interview with Palin, but it was positively disturbing to watch. Sarah Palin makes George Bush look well-informed and articulate. Those are words I never thought would escape my lips (or, you know, keyboard).

The clip below is really hilarious and Tina Fey and Amy Poehler knock another one out of the park, but the fact that the spoof and the actual transcripts of the interview are pretty much the same thing is sobering and terrifying. She really is just about the dumbest person alive. Wow.



Not that I think a soccer mom/beauty contestant who thinks dinosaurs lived 4,000 years ago shouldn't be president or anything, but... wait, no, that is what I think. The woman really thinks that proximity to Russia constitutes foreign policy experience! Does she realize that all the actual Russian politics occur clear over on the other side of the largest country on earth? I'm going to go out on a limb and say no, no she doesn't. Oy. She must be one of those people Miss South Carolina was lamenting...

TV Roundup--The "Can't WAIT!" Edition

While many aspects of the fall TV season have been a bit disappointing, there's still a hell of a lot to look forward to. While some shows have sunk down to my second tier, others have risen to the top.

RETURNING SHOWS THAT I'M COMPLETELY GIDDY OVER:

• PUSHING DAISIES: So I just re-watched the first season of Pushing Daisies and it was a delightful reminder of why I fell in love with the show in the first place. It's thoroughly unlike anything else on TV and if you haven't been watching, you seriously need to start. The first season only had 9 episodes (thanks to the strike) and I'm hearing that season 2 will be a re-launch of the show, so it's not too late to start. I'd suggest catching up with season 1 first, but if that's not an option, tune in for the premiere (Wed, October 1, on ABC) and at least give it a shot.
  
  Pushing Daisies is a spectacular blend of whimsy, noir, procedural elements, a romance, a mystery series, a technicolor fairy tale, and a comedy. It's an odd show, but a delicious treat with each and every outing. The look and tone of the show make for a unique, phantasmagorial, and magical backdrop that's just gorgeous to watch. It's kind of like a Tim Burton film that's been dipped in honey. The visual concept for the show is a delight to watch, but it's really the characters that make the show so special. There really isn't a single character that I'd like to see die in a ditch, and for me, that must mean the cast is pretty damn spectacular. Lee Pace is adorable and soft-spoken as the lead character Ned. He's a pensive romantic without being sacchrine or overly sentimental. He's the basis of the show, but his fellow castmates are just as special in their own way. Olive is hilarious and spritely without being annoying, Emerson is kind of curmudgeonly, but also animated and snarky, and Chuck is charming and sweet without being weak or sappy. The fact that Chuck is my least favorite character on the show and yet I still like her quite a lot speaks volumes to the casting and story. Her aunts Lily and Vivian, while not the major players on the show, are completely brilliant and add glimpses of quirky genius to an already perfect cast.
  
  Bottom Line: This show is kind of the perfect mixture of all things that I love. It even has some musical elements (Kristen Chenoweth is amazing, and we all know it). I mean, what more could you ask for? It's surprisingly funny and has a hell of a lot of heart. The mystery each week is fanciful and invariably fascinating. In short, this show is really special. I don't think we're likely to see anything like it for a very like time, if ever. Bryan Fuller will always hold a special place in my heart for bringing Dead Like Me into the world and Pushing Daisies carries on in that legacy. It's just a delight from beginning to end. Oh, and that guy who narrates the Harry Potter books narrates the show, so it's gotta be good, right? Top drawer.
  
  
• LIFE: When Life premiered last year, I didn't think for even a second that I would like it and never dreamed it would make it onto my permanent rotation (let alone grace the top tier). It's shows like that that make me hold fast to my philosophy of trying shows out even if they don't look like my usual fare.
  
  The show revolves around detective Charlie Crews (played brilliantly by Damian Lewis) who was framed and served 12 years in prison for murders he didn't commit. It sounds like it would be your usual crime procedural with a tough, cynical, maverick breaking all the rules, kicking ass and taking names... but it isn't. It has elements of all those things, but has such a unique spin on them that it's more of a character piece that your every day procedural. Charlie is angry and wants to know who framed him and all that, but he's quirky and zen about the whole situation. Rather than being the gritty tale of an embittered man, Life is the story of guy who appreciates the simple things and who looks at the world in an elightened way.
  
  Aside from Charlie's charm and unconventional (though undeniable) appeal, even the procedural elements of the show are singular and special. It's an odd blend of the fanciful, the devastating, and the twisted. It's kind of like a blend of Pushing Daisies and Law & Order, which sounds like about the worst combination in history, but completely works. The mystery of the week is never dull, never expected, and always fascinating. I had the pleasure of watching the season two premiere early (it's on hulu, if you're interested) and wasn't disappointed. The mystery was odd and fanciful and completely out there, but isn't over the top. The show manages to get away with the craziest things without jumping the shark and that's a fine like to walk. It's kind of like taking a trip down the rabbit hole, but this time Alice ends up in Los Angeles and the Chesire Cat is played by a crack dealer.
  
  Bottom Line: It isn't your usual procedural and that's what makes it special. I never expected to like this show, so when I got completely sucked in after only a couple of episodes, it made for quite a surprise. You can absolutely jump into this show without seeing season 1 first, but season 1 was pretty damn great, so I wouldn't recommend missing it... Come for the crazy crime procedural, stay for the Damian Lewis. It's kind of like how House isn't your average medical procedural. Where Hugh Laruie brings a wholly unique character to House, so too Damian Lewis brings an original center for Life. (Interesting tidbit: Damian Lewis actually moved into Hugh Laurie's house in the UK. When Lewis was considering taking the lead in Life, he called Laurie from Laurie's old bedroom to ask for advice. That probably isn't interesting at all, but you've already read it, so there's nothing you can do...)
  
  
• CHUCK: I love Chuck, plain and simple. It's another show that I approached with apprehension, but completely fell in love with. Yet again, if you missed the first season, you can absolutely start watching with the second season premiere (on Monday) and you won't be lost or confused. I just watched the season 2 premiere early online (it's on hulu, once again), and it gives a good recap of all the things you need to know to enjoy the show. And believe me, there are a lot of reasons to enjoy this show.
  
  Chuck takes the kick-ass CIA spy game craziness of Alias, but makes it hilarious and effortless to follow. Not that I didn't enjoy the fact that missing 10 minutes of an episode of Alias meant that you were lost for the next 6 weeks, but it could be taxing at times to have to keep track of so many Derevkos and whatnot. Chuck is as delightfully high-energy, but really funny and easy to watch. It's the kind of show that you can just plop down on the couch and zone out for a while. It makes for an escape, but doesn't lack substance the way most escapes do.
  
  Zachary Levi plays the title character and he's a total geek, but adorable and goofily charming. He reminds me of my dearly departed Seth Cohen from The O.C. Speaking of whom, Josh Schwartz, who was the mastermind behind The O.C. and is the genius behind Gossip Girl, is also the driving force behind Chuck. Who could ask for a better pedigree?
  
  The basic premise for the show is funny and far-fetched (the entire CIA/NSA database was downloaded into Chuck's head--just go with it), but that's a big part of it's appeal. If you just tell yourself to just by the premise and not be too critical (it's a comedy afterall, not a hard-hitting documentary), you'll really love the show. The supporting cast play off one another wonderfully and everyone has the requisite comedic timing to make the show work. Adam Baldwin (aka Jane from Firefly) plays the no nonsense NSA badass and is the perfect straight man. His interactions with the nerdy goofball that is Chuck are some of the best moments of the show.
  
  Bottom Line: If you're looking for a show that isn't taxing to watch, this is it. It's funny yet heartfelt and action-packed yet character-driven. It's a hell of a lot of fun and since it's already gotten the green light for a full second season, you don't have to worry about becoming dedicated to a show that might be cancelled. It might take a couple of episodes, but this really is an effortless joy of a show that I think most people will enjoy. I sure do. :)

Anyway, if you're looking to supplement your current slate of shows, I would highly recommend any of these shows... or, if you're anywhere near as pathetic as I am, all three. Well, actually four. I was going to put Dirty Sexy Money on the list, because, well, it's awesome, but I'm sick of typing. You'll just have to take my word for it--that word being "awesome," of course...

TV Roundup--Meh

I watch a lot of TV, and given that I have no life, not all my shows constitute my absolute favorite viewing options. I have a tiered system for ranking my show loyalties. In the top tier are my favorite shows; the ones I look forward to week-to-week and refuse to miss. The second tier consists of shows that I'm committed to and enjoy, but that don't exactly have me giddy with anticipation. The third tier is home to the shows I keep up with, but could totally live without. This system is ever-changing, and the new fall line-up has led to a serious shake-up.

SHOWS THAT HAVE MADE THEIR WAY TO THE SECOND TIER:

• HEROES: What can I say? Last season was pretty hard on all of us. I swear, if I'd had to watch one more episode of mind-numbing nothingness (read: Maya and her brother whining (and oozing) their way from Central America to the states for 8 episodes) and Hiro gallivanting around feudal Japan, I think I would have dropped the show entirely. When you start wishing that they had just let the cheerleader fend for herself in season one so the world would have ended (yipee!), that's just not a good sign.
  
  It was with much apprehension and more than a few NoDoze tablets that I sat down to watch the premiere (a few days late, mind you). I would have watched it when it aired, but the thought of enduring a 3-hour event was just exhausting to even think about. Solution? Axe the hour-long "Countdown to Feudalism" and then watch the fast-forwarded version of the two-hour premiere.
  
  It was actually much better (read: it kept me awake) than I had expected. I had heard that the producers and writers recognized that season 2 was kind of painful and were committed to not repeating those mistakes. It seems to have worked pretty well. The essential flaws of the show remain, but at least the history lesson/bizarre, kind of uncomfortable love story is over, right? Oh, and Peter isn't trying to be Irish anymore and I think we can all raise a pint to that sparkling development. Wow, the horrible story arcs of last season are really starting to come back to me now... I had all but forgotten the wealth of bad accents that accompanied Peter's momentous journey out of a box and into a pub... for 8 episodes... again...
  
  As I was saying, the essential flaws are still alive and kicking and that is what has moved Heroes into my second tier.
  
  Flaw #1) It's a HUGE ensemble cast (they tried to squeeze in 8 more faces on that cover, but what can ya do?). When a show has literally over a dozen series regulars, there just isn't enough time in the hour to devote more than a couple of minutes to each plotline, let alone allow for much character development (assuming they make it into the episode at all). There are some character arcs that are more interesting than others, and with this huge a cast, way too much time gets devoted to people I really don't care about (Mohinder and Maya--Boring as Hell, party of two). It's times like those when I get really irritated and a little fast-forward happy... Oh, how I love my DVR! (Oh, geez, and do we remember that girl with the muscle memory or whatever? She won't be missed... Man, last season sucked...)
  
  Flaw #2) Everyone is spread out. It seems like at the end of every season, all the characters have finally met up, but by the beginning of the next season, everyone has split up again. That would be fine, I suppose, but its the interaction between characters that really makes the show interesting. As is, there are subsets of characters who interact with one another, but there isn't any overarching cohesion to the group. Don't get me wrong, it should only be a few more episodes before the Petrellis have been revealed as sharing DNA with everyone on the show, but that's not exactly the kind of interaction I had in mind. Seriously though, they're going to start giving the Bristows a run for their money...
  
  Flaw #3) Same basic plot, new season. The premiere seemed rather disconcertingly familiar as the horrible future to come is forewarned and Peter tries to make it alllll better... Yeah, I'm pretty sure we've been there... But, here we go again. With all new good guys and baddies! As near as I can tell, the only difference is that everyone is switching teams. I guess that'll be good?
  
  Anyway, that's just the short list of flaws, but the show makes me kind of weary, so I'm going to leave it at that.
  
  Bottom Line: I enjoyed the premiere more than I expected, but it still kind of felt like a chore to watch it. Which is a shame, really. It's a good show and I'll totally keep up with it, but it doesn't have me bouncing off the walls or anything. I'm hopeful this season really redeems it and bumps it back up to the first tier, but I'm not holding my breath. So far, so good (by which I mean, "It's about damn time Sylar got his powers back!")
  
  
• GREY'S ANATOMY: Awww, yet another entry in the "Last Season was Demoralizing" Hall of Lame. Okay, so with Grey's, it was really the season before last that was the killer, but last season spent so much time recovering that it still wasn't spectacular. Vaaaastly improved, but still kind of "meh." And another commonality between our first two entries, I totally didn't watch them at the time they were on. Anytime a show gets relegated to "Well, I guess I could watch Program X, since nothing else is on..." territory, that's bad.
  
  But, yet again, the premiere was better than anticipated. Izzie can still go die in a ditch (and take Meredith her), but overall, it was a pretty satisfying episode for the peeps at Seattle Grace. No one made me really want to throw something at the TV (although Meredith tried and tried, by which I mean, whined and whined) and the overall storyline was cohesive and effective, albeit a bit heavy-handed and schmaltzy at times. The parallels between patients' conditions and doctors inter-personal relationships was a bit too far from subtle for comfort, but it wasn't completely oppressive, so I let it slide.
  
  As per usual, Christina is the reason I watch the show. I'm sick to death of the Derek and Meredith of it all and will happily dig a ditch for Izzie to fall in, but Christina kind of makes it all worth it for me. The past two seasons have showcased a very different Christina and it's really nice to see her getting her mojo back. It's a shame that her new love interest in military, though. We all know that's an insurmountable obstacle (a pre-existing condition, as it were), but the fact that Kevin McKidd is actually from the UK takes the edge off.
  
  Bottom Line: I'll be sticking with Grey's, but if a show needs to get the axe, this one won't be too far from the blade. I'm just kind of over it... I saw a preview for next week's episode and apparently Noah is the newest patient at Seattle Grace and he brought the flood with him. Heh, speaking of arcs... Sorry, that was shameless. You see! You see what the show is doing to me?! Horrible puns! What's next? Rimshots? Oy.
  
  
• THE OFFICE: Okay, please don't hate me! I really do still love the show (honest!), but it just isn't quite the same... It's starting to feel like the 10th season of The Simpsons. I knew it was still good, but it just wasn't living up to the greatness of previous seasons. I think the first two seasons of The Office set the bar incredibly high, and while the latest episodes have been quite good, it's just not connecting with me the way it once did.
  
  The beauty of the show in its early years was that everyone who had ever worked in an office could so completely relate to the show that it was painfully funny. We all know those characters because we work with those characters. The mundaneness of working in an office was itself a character on the show, and I dare say, the most important character. Only in the mind-numbing boredom of an office could such menial projects (like toturing Dwight or organizing the Office Olympics) provide so much entertainment. The banality of it all and the co-workers we all suffer through are what people related to, and I think those things have kind of fallen by the wayside...
  
  The office atmosphere has changed. In recent episodes, they hardly spend any time at all in the office. There always seems to be something crazy going on or some wacky hijinx ensuing, and while those things are enjoyable, it kind of takes the show away from its roots. The same goes for the characters, or should I say caricatures... Jan went insane, Ryan became a cocaine addict and went to jail, Angela somehow became a saucy little minx, Kelly is, well, Kelly, and so on and so forth. There really isn't anyone to play the straight man (and I mean that in terms of comedic setup, not sexual orientation) anymore. I enjoy the craziness and the whimsy, but I kind of miss that dull aspects of their time in the office that were always so hilarious.
  
  Bottom Line: I still love the show and probably always will. But, can anyone really tell me that they think last season or the latest season premiere can hold a candle to greatness of the first two seasons? The show is still great, but I'm a little nostalgic for the even greaterness of yore... Oh, and Jim and Pam actually getting together isn't helping the situation... The tension is gone, and so goes my interest.
  

TV Roundup--New Shows So Far...

In an unusually sparse line-up of new shows, I've really had to adjust my strategies for this season. Ususally, I have the pleasure of taking chances on probably a dozen new shows and deciding if I should axe any of my usuals in the interest of something shiny... This season? I still have the urge to axe some of my oldies, but haven't a whole lot to replace them with. Henceforth, my schedule is filling up with old stuff I'm kind of sick of and new stuff that isn't that spectacular. Sigh... I'm hopeful the next few weeks of premieres will bolster my schedule, but so far, so not-so-good...

Anyway, here's how things are stacking up so far.

NEW SHOWS THAT I'VE GIVEN A CHANCE:

• FRINGE: This is the show I was most excitedly anticipating, but so far it has been a bit of a letdown. Only three episodes have aired, so I'm not going to give it the old heave-ho just yet, but at the same time, I'm not exactly giddy for each new episode. The concept has merit, but once again, the execution is problematic at best. I'm finding Pacey's snottiness even more unwarranted, especially when hurled at his old, batty father. There's just something about is demeanor that strikes the wrong chord. I find his character the most charming when he's not being a smarmy jackass (which is usually when I'm most delighted with someone) and that's a pretty paltry percentage of the time. Anna Torv isn't doing herself any favors with her character profiile either. She's so dour you either want to smack her or fall asleep. Or, ideally, manage to flail your hand into her face as you unconsciously slump to the floor.
  
  Bottom Line: It's kind of X-Files-y, but not as good. And, if you've seen one 8-year-stint of sci-fi detective work, you've seen 'em all. I'll be giving Fringe a couple more episodes to grab me, but unless Anna Torv is the next sci-fi conundrum they solve (you know, what alien presence could possibly make someone so bland?), I'm doubting it will make it onto my permanent rotation...
  
  
• THE MENTALIST: Okay, I approached this bad boy with more than a little apprehension and a healthy dollop of superciliousness, planning to mock and mame at every turn. Little did I know that it's actually a pretty decent show. The pilot aired the other night (and airs again tonight, if you're interested) and I was genuinely drawn in and entertained. I'm not saying it's the greatest show ever or anything, but for the procedural that it is, it's quite well done.
  
  Simon Baker, the lead actor on the show, is truly the anchor and driving force behind the pilot's success. He plays one of those ever-so-ubiquitous know-it-all types, but rather than being annoying (as is so often the case), his character is quite charming. In an odd twist for a know-it-all detective, he's surprisingly polite and even soft-spoken. His character used to be a fake TV psychic, but after his family is murdered, now uses his powers of, um, menial observation to genuinely help people. His character has a more complex pathology than I was expecting and his genius is unassuming, but influential.
  
  The supporting cast could be better. Without Baker at the helm, I think this would be just another procedural where the maverick genius goes against standard procedure to solve the unsolvable. Robin Tunney, who is dull as ever, fills the requisite role of Baker's foil, playing the rule-abiding, protocol-following straight woman of the pair. It's kind of a one-dimensional, hackneyed role, so I guess for what it's worth, Tunney does what was called for (not that that makes her engaging in any way). As usual... I realize the need for a foil, but I think they could have done a whole lot better.
  
  The whodunnit of the pilot was well thought-out and the mystery was engaging, if not entirely unique (it's a busy genre, what can I say?) The pacing was effective and I didn't find myself getting bored or irritated. If this is a harbinger of mysteries of the week to come, I think the show will do pretty well. Yet again, nothing earth-shattering or spectacular here, but definitely enjoyable. Also, the larger story arc involving Red John has affected Baker's character directly, so it makes for a more engaging season, multi-season, or god help us, series plotline. (For the sake of the show, I'm hopeful they wrap it up at the end of season 1--trust me peeps, it's for the best.)
  
  Bottom Line: If you're in to procedurals (or even if you aren't), The Mentalist is at least worth checking out, even if only for Simon Baker. I'm not sure it's quite good enough to make my permanent rotation, but it's much better than it looks and I think I'll be DVRing this one for weekends and rainy days.

And, as those are the only two new shows that have premiered so far (shockingly, given that Sepetember is almost over), my next roundup will have to be about returning shows. This little post turned into quite a bit more than expected (as is par for the course), so I'm having to break things up. I was going to have one giant monolith of TV reviews, but I find bite size pieces to be a lot easier to swallow.

Why I Hate Pictures... Secrets Revealed!

Okay, after our little jaunt to Timpanogos Cave on Saturday, I've been getting unapproving jabs from all angles regarding my hatred of photos. No one can seem to understand why I hate them so very, very much. What I can't understand is why anyone loves them... Seriously, do people out there really just love to stare at themselves? I don't get it.

**Quick Disclaimer: This post sounds bitterer than intended and I don't mean it as a jab at anyone. Seriously. You had no idea the reasons for my hatred of photos, so it would be ridiculous to point fingers. I am absolutely in the minority here and I realize that no one can read my mind. Everyone else on the planet seems to love pictures, so this is just a glimpse at my own twisted pathology... Do not take this personally. I realize the rest of the world is completely confounded by my lunacy (and I realize it IS lunacy), so I'm just trying to shed some light.**

I hate having my picture taken (or having anyone else's taken, for that matter), and here's why:

1) It interrupts the activity. I find nothing more disconcerting that when everyone is having a grand old time and someone stops everything so he or she can take a picture. Call me crazy, but I'd rather just appreciate the activity for what it is, while it's happening, than have evidence of the fun we had, just so we can prove we actually had said fun. It breaks the flow and ruins the mood. On a related note, there's nothing more annoying than trying to get somewhere but you have to wait because you don't want to walk through someone else's picture. Not being able to actually enjoy a museum because you're standing in someone's shot is beyond irritating...

2) It's inauthentic. I genuinely don't mind candid photos that much. If you want to snap a quick picture of the events as they are happening, that's actually fairly acceptable in my book. What annoys me more than anything (and this relates to #1), is when everyone is doing something and people break out their cameras to supposedly catch it all on film, but end up with a ridiculous sham. "Come on everybody! Stop what you're doing so I can get a completely inauthentic, totally posed, disingenuous representation of tonight's activity that in no way reflects what actually happened. Now, plaster on a fake smile. Cheese!" Gee... Who wouldn't want that?

3) No one can take a picture quickly. It's bad enough when someone makes you stop what you're doing so that you can all huddle together awkwardly so that a precious memory can be preserved, but it's even worse when you're then subjected to 10 minutes of: "Okay, everyone skooch in closer. I can't see everyone in the shot. Hey, Bobby Ray, get behind Lurlene. Filbert, move your arm. Okay, everyone smile! Oh, wait, that didn't work. Let me try again. Okay got it! Now everyone hold still as I take the exact same photo with nine other cameras." I'm sorry, but WHO FINDS THAT FUN?! I don't get it. AND, why can't one person take the photo and just send it to everyone else? We all know how impatient I am, and having to sit there with a forced smile on my face for 10 minutes is beyond irksome. Case in point, we had to very awkwardly pass that group of people with the two boys like 3 times on the way up to Timp because we kept stopping for pictures. I felt like an idiot making them wait at the side of the trail while we passed them again and again. Maybe that's just me...

4) Any memory that's worth keeping doesn't need photographic evidence. When I think of my fondest memories, they are the times when everyone has been having such a great time that no one even thinks of taking a picture. Any memory that is really cherished will be remember on its own merit and doesn't need a postcard to prove it happened.

5) I hate how I look. And no, I'm not fishing for people to disagree with me here (read: don't email me about this). This is not a "We all love you, Chandler" moment. I'm not one of the pretty people and that's not a big deal. I've had plenty of time to get used to it, and it doesn't bother me most of the time. But then I see pictures of myself... Every time I see a photo of myself, I am reminded of all the things I hate about my appearance and all the things I was teased about as a child and mocked for as an adult. Yeah, I can't imagine why I hate having my picture taken... Even my mother, who is the queen of all picture-taking has learned that it's not worth it to upset me for the sake of having a stupid picture. It honestly ruins my day. After all the Timp photos were posted, I spent the rest of the day in a very bad mood and then began down my spiral of self-loathing. A fine way to spend the day, to be sure... I seriously doubt any of you is actually under the delusion that I'm attractive (although I realize that as my friends you feel the need to say so), but even if you do (and I have a neruo consult standing by, just for you), I certainly don't. No matter how hard you try to convince me, I'll never look at myself and think I'm attractive. My definitions of beauty are antithetical to my actual looks, and all the prodding in the world can't change that. I hate having my picture taken. It's completely depressing and that is why I try so hard to decline. Forcing me to do otherwise invalidates my feelings and makes me very upset. I realize my response to photos is largely irrational, but that's how I feel.

6) People seem to think others have an obligation to be in their pictures. Look, take all the photos you want, but don't make me be in them. Try as I might to understand why on earth people seem to care so much that I be in their pictures, I come up with nothing. Why do you care if I'm in the picture? As far as I'm concerned, you're welcome to take a million pictures of anything and everything you've ever wanted, but I am under no obligation to join in.

7) I have a history. I spent my entire childhood being shoved into pictures I didn't want to be in and now I'm more than a little bitter. After a couple of decades of, "What?! You got a new watch!? Let's get a picture!" believe me, it becomes grating... You think I'm exaggerating? If it were a only digital picture of my old watch, I'd absolutely attach it. Apparently the fact that I was suddenly telling time with a watch that had a black band was such a monumental event that it had to be preserved for all time... Who knew? It's like those couples who "I love you" after every dinner roll that gets passed to them. The words become meaningless when said 800 times a day. I think that's how I think of pictures. I've been in so many pointless pictures that even the ones that logically should mean something seem oddly hollow and disingenuous.

8) I hate looking back at myself. I would really just as soon forget that my past ever existed. I'm not particularly proud of who I am and I'm even less proud of who I used to be (although they're pretty much the same person--which is a big part of the problem...) When I look back at photos of myself, all I see is how little I've done with my life. I can't help but think, "Wow, this picture was taken 10 years ago and I've hardly changed at all..." It's depressing. I'll never be the person I always thought I would be and seeing that I haven't made any steps in the right direction is sobering and disconcerting. I'll be stuck in the same rut I've been in for years. In essence, looking at my past is like looking at my future, and that's just about as sad as it gets.

Anyway, as I mentioned in the disclaimer, I realize that I am the exception here. Everyone else seems to love pictures and no one seems to mind the process... except for me. As such, I am totally down with people taking as many pictures as they want. Seriously, snap away to your heart's content... Just don't make me be in the shot. After reading this post, I have to believe you can see that, however irrational it may seem, having my picture taken is genuinely upsetting, and I'd really prefer not to... Henceforth, please don't make me. :(

That is all.

(As a side note, I had jokingly referred to my new watch as a "monumentous" occasion, knowing full well that that isn't actually a word, but it just occurred to me that not everyone knows that I use it jokingly and would probably just think I was a moron, so I changed it. Wow, there's a run on sentence... At any rate, it's kind of a cross between "monumental" and "momentous" and makes me smile... It's kind of like when I say "tramampoline" or "ginormous." It's intentional. I'm not really that stupid. Close, but not really...)

Now Vanessa, what have we learned?

...ALWAYS listen to Blair!

Honestly. I can't believe I'm actually agreeing with Dan Humphrey here, but when it comes to revenge, you really can't do any better than Blair Waldorf. Plain and simple. But no, Vanessa just had to go muck things up (but that's what Vanessas do best!). Not that I really care all that much if the Captain gets bailed out of his fraud whateverness, but I just hate to see Blair's well-laid plans go to waste. I do really enjoy that anytime anyone needs something underhanded accomplished, they always turn to Chuck or Blair. :) They are the root of all evil: Everyone knows it, and everyone loves it.

Especially me.

I was watching Gossip Girl in real time last night, so I rather unfortunately couldn't excise the commercials from my viewing. There was one commercial break that was so long it was verging on the ridiculous (seriously, Methuselah was like, "Geez, these are some long-ass commercials!") and I got so irked I asked of the TV (much to my mother's amusement), "Oh, come on! I just want to watch Blair destroy people! Is that too much to ask?!"

But, as it turns out, last night's episode was Chuck's turn to destroy people. After two weeks in a row of Blair coming out on top, it was Chuck's turn, and I was nothing but delighted to oblige. He and Blair always concoct the most marvelously twisted and complicated assassination plots and last night, each of their end games intertwined (albeit Blair didn't know that Chuck was the clockmaker in this scenario and ultimately lost out... in a manner of speaking).

That Serena has retaken control of the high school was Chuck's objective, and I cannot wait to see how it all goes down. I can see where dethroning Blair would be to his advantage, and I know he and Blair have felt that Dan has been holding Serena back all this time, so I guess I'm most interested to see how it all manifests. We have only seen glimpses of Serena the Queen Bee and I think the fireworks between her and Blair (having been dethroned and whatnot) are going to make this next story arc one for the ages. Muahahahaha! Evil Serena is already soooo much more fun than boring old, "I'm trying to be good but Dan's a douchebag" Serena. Yay! Cannot wait!

Speaking of Serena, I have to relate an exchange I had with my dear sweet mother this morning. This is the verbatim conversation we had on the way to the bus stop. I have not embellished for comedic effect...

MOM: Sooo, on Gossip Girl...
ME: Oh, here we go...
MOM [with true, unabashed incredulity]: How did S just take back the throne overnight?

Yes, ladies and probably more ladies (well, there may be a gentleman or two out there), she called Serena "S." It kind of made my morning... My mom always makes my day. That delightful query came the morning after she asked me, "What's a hulu?"

Oh, Mommy. What would I ever do for comic relief without you. ;)

Spot On! Tina Fey, we love you...

This is one of the funniest SNL skits I've seen in a long LONG time. Tina Fey's impression of Sarah "What global warming?" Palin is phenomenal. I do have to weep for humanity that anyone ANYWHERE thinks Palin has the experience to be president, but clips like this help ease the pain.

Copyright InFringement

It has been said that familiarity breeds contempt. I think that is the biggest hurdle facing J.J. Abrams (or as I like to call him, "Juh-jay-brums") and his new pet project Fringe. When I first heard about the show, I was excited, but cautious. The early reviews of the pilot said it was basically a cross between the X-Files and Alias, both of which I thoroughly enjoyed, BUT whenever a show can be boiled down so readily, it often portends triteness-->hence the caution...


The fact that the show is on Fox and has a more limited potential fanbase than other Abrams classics like Lost or Alias also bodes ill for the show, but my real concerns did not truly manifest until I heard of the surprisingly mixed (at best) reaction from the sci-fi nerds at Comic-Con. The kind of geekery offered by a show like Fringe is what these Comic-Con attendees salivate over (well, that and Hot Pockets). It's a double-edged sword having a screening for such a crowd because truly, no audience could be more appreciative, and at the same time, more brutally snarky and critical than a group of middle-aged Star Wars fanboys who live in their mothers' basements and have dressed up like storm troopers for the convention. Henceforth, the polarizing reviews were a minor cause for concern, but I wouldn't stake my assessment of the show on their reactions.

Anyway, Fringe premiered on Monday and I can see where the contasting reviews took shape. With J.J. at the helm, there is no way this show wouldn't be compared with Lost and Alias, and given the show's tone and basic concept, it also has to grapple with an X-Files smackdown. Three classic shows with often obssessive fanbases. Fringe had an insanely high bar to surpass and it didn't have a chance of being assessed solely on its own merits. Not an enviable position to be in... especially with Pacey as your anchor... (Not that Dawson would have been a step up or anything... [insert cold shudder] Plus, Dawson was like 34 when Dawson's Creek was actually on, so at this point, he'd have to play the crazy father character... which would actually have been kind of fun to watch--note to Fox...)

Anyway...

The basis for the show revolves around "fringe science" which apparently equates to things like mind control, reanimation, invisibility, defense against the dark arts, transfiguration, uh, algebra, you get the idea... For kicks, an FBI element (a hot, leggy blonde FBI element at that--um, yay?) has been thrown in the mix to spice things up. The premise more than smacks of the X-Files, which would be fine, but for the fact that it does not succeed as brilliantly as its predecessor. The production values are beyond reproach and the pilot was as well made and stylish as any Hollywood blockbuster, so it was by no means the look of the show that was the problem. The FBI angle seemed to be aiming for Alias, but lacked the pulse-pounding, "Oh my god, Sydney, look out! It's another long lost evil aunt of yours!" thrill of the Bristow contigency. Familiarity can be like a warm, relatable blanket of nostalgia, but in this case, the familiarity rather unfortunately reminded me of insanely great shows, thereby making this good, but not spectacular show, pale in comparison.

I tried desperately to separate this show from others so that I could give it an objective review, but at every turn, something reminded me of something else. That isn't to say that pilot was bad, it just wasn't the unique, original experience I was hoping for and kind of expecting from J.J. Along with the constant comparisons, for me, it was largely the little things that made the pilot fall into "good" territory rather than "spectacular" territory. The premise itself has a hell of a lot of potential, but the execution is what worries me most.

The tone and pacing of the pilot were probably the biggest problems. As with any pilot, a lot of plot exposition and premise explanation has to go on, the actors are trying to figure out their characters, and the audience is trying to build a construct for how they are going to interpret the show. This is bound to cause some problems and disconnects, but for a pilot to be successful, the powers that be need to have a firm grasp of the tone they're trying to set. I think Fringe only has a fair handle of the tone they're aiming for and the pacing of the pilot didn't help solidify their stance.

The pilot opens with a plane that's in trouble. Now J.J., if you're trying to decrease the amount of comparison between this show and your other projects, maybe starting out with a flight in peril wasn't the best plan of action. You won't be able to top the Lost pilot, so it's best you not remind viewers that that is the gold standard. It starts off normal enough, and it may just be my cynical conditioning at work, but when one passenger offered another passenger a piece of gum and held up the pack, I was fully expecting some not-so-subtle product placement and we weren't even 10 minutes in. I was just waiting for something like this:

"Would you like a piece of Icebreakers' new Spearmint Fusion gum? The flavor will awaken your senses in a blast of ecstasy."

"Why yes, yes I would! You say this fine product can be found at any local convenience store? Fanstastic! All my worries have just melted away in a cascade of minty bliss. Thank you, Icebreakers Gum!"

Thankfully that didn't happen, but it already made tone an issue for me. Fortunately (well, maybe not "fortunately" exactly), the flight quickly turned ooey gooey when everyone on board started melting, so I figured we were on the right track again.

Yeah, not so much. Anna Torv, who plays FBI Agent Hot Blond, is apparently the emotional basis for the show as the audience is subjected to her and FBI Agent Hunky Love Interest professing their love for one another. Yet again, I might be too conditioned to TV here, but I knew that guy was either in trouble or was trouble the second he told her he loved her. I immediately thought he'd be killed off and as it turned out, I wasn't too far off the mark.

Hunky Love Interest (John) gets the ball rolling when he basically gets blown up and Hot Blond (Olivia) has to save him. From how the show was hyped, I was really expecting a new and unique experience, but I found familiarity and even predictability (the real showkiller) around just about every corner. Enter Pacey and his wacky father (both of whom just so happen to be geniuses). Hot Blond needs their help to save Whatshisname, and we spend the rest of the pilot watching this go down.

As far as a pilot premise goes, that's all fine and dandy, but yet again, the execution was flawed. There was no build up to the John/Olivia relationship, so the audience really doesn't care that he's in danger. Further, Olivia, whose most memorable qualities include an inability to smile and an unintentional wealth of accents to rival the UN (seriously, I spent half the pilot trying to decide if her character was American, British, Scottish, Australian or some combination thereof--the accent changed more and more the longer the sentences got), doesn't have the emotional pull to make the audience want to root for her. Unlike Alias, where Jennifer Garner's devastation over her fiance's murder completely pulled the audience in, I found myself watching Olivia's plight more as a simple point A to point B plot device rather than the heart of the operation. I did enjoy that she wasn't a sappy, sentimental crusader, though. It was nice to see that in spite of her personal attachment to John and the main plotline, she conducted herself professionally (even if a bit blandly).

That Olivia, as a character, falls a bit flat (at least so far) wouldn't be too much of an issue if the other characters were more engaging. Which isn't to say that they were completely unsuccessful, but none of them made me desperate to tune in next week. I found the crazy father to be inconsistent (which I guess was the point?) and serving more as a screwball technique to force all these people together than a fully-realized character. Truly, Pacey, whose character's name was... Peter? I think? Pacey it is. His character had the most promise for me, and even then, his overweening trait was a bit off-putting. There was a sporadic snottiness that infused most of his interaction with others that didn't seem intrinsic so much as forced. Which, perhaps that's who his character is. He puts on a front and isn't very good at it. If that's the case, then he did a hell of a job. Most of his snottiness felt out of place in the context of what was going on, and while he had some very entertaining lines, I found myself liking his character the most when he was genuine and real. Which we all know I'm a big lover of snark, so for me to connect most with a character when he's not being a smarmy jackass truly was an original experience for me, so I guess at least I didn't see that coming... I'm most intrigued to see how his character turns out after a few episodes. Thus far, I'm really hoping I just read him wrong. That the audience doesn't necessarily like these characters off the bat does have a certain appeal, but I think I'm going to need more development before I really care about any of them and can appreciate the character, even if I don't exactly like the character.

With only the pilot to base things on, it all felt a little too X-Filesy for purely nostalgic purposes. Olivia and Pacey are the Mulder and Scully of the series respectively, but the problem is, Mulder and Scully they are not [pictured at left, and apparently "the truth" is out there, you know, to the right]... Particularly with Pacey's character, I kept thinking, "Why Scully, you've gotten snottier..." It was distracting to see the Mulder "I want to believe"/ Scully "It doesn't matter how many aliens I run into, I still don't believe" dynamic presented again, but with less successful results. If I didn't have the X-Files as a rubric for how such characters should interact, I think I would have appreciated Fringe much more and the experience would have been fresher and more engaging.

The pilot as a whole was good, but not great. Even the areas where I found myself becoming genuinely interested in the show had an irksome familiarity to them. The experiment, which I found to be the most effective part of the first hour (it was a 90 minute pilot), was interesting and all, but unoriginal. The pacing started to pick up and I was interested to see how the shared dream state would work out. Turns out, it worked out just exactly the way it did in The Cell, and even had a similar visual motif. I became sure the shared dream state would feature Jennifer Lopez in at least one capacity or another [insert cold shudder]. Fortunately (VERY fortunately), it didn't, but knowing the threat (and I mean Threat Level RED here, people) was out there certainly didn't help me enjoy the show and kind of broke down the fourth wall for me.

All in all, watching Fringe was kind of like watching your best friend perform in the school talent show. Okay, that makes it sound positively god-awful, and that's not what I meant. Compounding the hype, the anticipation, and my appreciation for J.J.'s past works (aside from Armageddon, naturally) made me approach the show with so much hope that I found myself almost willing it to be everything I had dreamed. "Come onnnn, don't suck! Come onnnn, don't suck!" Which it genuinely didn't, but definitely could have been better, even with my allegiances willing it to be fantastic.

Long story short, I wasn't blown away by the pilot, but I think the show definitely has potential. The last 30 minutes sucked me in much more than the first hour, and in spite of knowing exactly whose voice would be on the tape in one last spasm of predictability, I'm genuintely intrigued to see what happens next. There is a lot that could be done with this show and I think once everyone gets on the same page regarding tone and character development, it could be a real classic. I'll be sticking with it for at least the next few episodes, although I hear the premiere only attracted 9 million viewers (as opposed to Lost, which premiered with about twice that), so with Fox at the helm, it might only be on for the next few weeks. Damn Fox. I'm still bitter about Firefly...

Overall, I give the Fringe pilot a B-.

OMFG XOXO GG!

We'll get to my love (make that "obsessed adoration") of Gossip Girl in a minute, but first, I have to start off with a shout out to my dear mother, who makes my Gossip Girl experience all the more enjoyable.

Every night, my mom adorably asks if there's anything new on TV. It doesn't matter how many weeks in a row the same shows air on the same nights, she hasn't a clue IF there are any new shows to watch, let alone what those shows might be. As evil as it is, I tease her about it every time. It generally goes a little something like this:

Mom: Do we have anything new tonight?
Me: I don't know, you tell me...
Mom: Oh, I don't know!
Me: Huh, me neither.
Mom: Is it... House?
Me: Maaaaaybe.
Mom: Is it!
Me: No. I see that pesky Alzheimer's is settling in nicely...
Mom [starting to giggle with whiny desperation]: I don't know! Project Runway? Grey's Anatomy? Gossip Girl?
Me: Ding! Ding! Ding!
Mom: Gossip Girl?! Really!?
Me: Yes. Just like last week. Annnd the week before that. You worry me sometimes, you know...

But by that point in the teasing, my mother is so happy she guessed right (and even happier that the correct answer was Gossip Girl), that my taunting has little effect. It doesn't sound as much fun on paper as it actually is. My favorite is when she'll start guessing shows at random and end up listing shows that have been off the air for ages. I kid you not, the other day she guessed Alias (among other goners) and then somehow Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip made it into her random list of cancelled shows... Fine shows to be sure, but they ended a few years ago. Precious.

Anyway, this all brings me to tonight's delightful festivities when yes indeed, the correct answer was Gossip Girl. We got home around 6ish and my mom was delighted to hear that the show would start at 7. "Oh good, only and hour to wait!" It's hilarious to see her so excited, you have no idea.

So no more than a half an hour rolls by when my mom comes into the room, all exasperated, "Has it started?! Am I missing it!?"

"No Mom, it's only 6:30."

"6:30?! Geez, is this just the longest hour ever or what?!"

Indeed. Longest. Hour. Ever. Oh, Mommy. You crack me up. You should see the devilish grin she gets on her face when the show starts. Classic.

Anyway, on with the show. And what a show! Okay, peeps, if you aren't watching Gossip Girl, you are seriously missing out on one of the greatest shows ever produced. It's fabulous, in every conceivable sense of the word.

To wit, tonight's episode was off the hook! I sat giddily at the edge of my seat for every minute and then the second the commercial break would start, the clapping and cheering and bouncing up and down would begin.

"Best show on TV! BEST-SHOW-ON-TV!!!" [That was intended to be read with the enthusiasm and cadence of Homer saying, "Football in the groin! Football in the groin!"] Solid gold.

Tonight's episode had more than a few delectable moments, but I'll be focusing on the true standouts (all of which seem to include Chuck and Blair... go figure...).

Don't get me wrong, I enjoy the Serena and Dan and Nate of it all, but when compared to the sadistic poetry of Chuck and Blair, everything else just seems like filler. Especially Rufus and Whatsherface... Geez, I really can't remember her name... Last name is Abrams, yes? Oh dear lord, the Alzheimer's appears to have spread. What the crap is her first name?! ...pause... ...pause... Vanessa!!! Ah, yes, Vanessa. I can see where I blocked that out. Yeah, uh, clearly she made an impact. Let's just say she wasn't exactly missed last week...

Anyway, so yeah, Serena and Dan are back together: Meh. Nate is sleeping with Sherry Tinsdale: Meh. Blair is dating a British lord and it's driving Chuck crazy: HELL YES! (Which can I just say? Most outrageously fabulous storyline on any show, ever.)

The power struggle between Chuck and Blair is what makes the show for me. They have both put on so many fronts and facades that neither can be vulnerable without losing the game. And it is a game. The both of them live in a world where they get what they want and control the things and people around them by retaining control and holding more power than those around them. It isn't some whiny, lame, teenage drama for them. It's war. And it's art. And it's FABULOUS!

Blair came out of top during last week's battle royale, so Chuck obviously had to retaliate. Blair is feeling out of her league (dating a lord and all), and Chuck tries to exploit this by getting Blair in hot water with the Duchess. Blair, trying to be someone she's not, let's some of her power slip away for a while, but in the end, Queen B comes back with a vengeance.

The scene in the library made my day, my week, my month, and possibly the whole season. Blair at her absolute best. She had won and she knew it and there's just nothing in the world more fun to watch. She holds all the cards and realizes that she is truly never out of her league (at least not when it comes to evil). The look on her face and she puts the last nails in the Duchess' coffin, that little sadistic, sinister smirk of hers, is so devilishly satisfying that you always want Blair to have the upper hand. Fantastic. She plays the Duchess (and everyone else) like a fiddle--which means she's pretty much equally matched with Chuck, who does exactly the same thing. They are playing a zero-sum game and I'm hoping to hell neither of them ever truly wins or loses. Awesome.

With Chuck and Blair, even the most seemingly irrelevant, ostensibly meaningless conversation is completely captivating to watch because they know, and the audience knows, that in actuality, there are always about 15 layers of meaning going on. It makes their every interaction fascinating and utterly squee-worthy.

Honestly, just tonight, a seemingly simple exchange between the two, with each saying goodnight to the other is 100 times hotter and more intriguing than all the Dan and Serena hook-ups and Nate and cougar affairs in the world. Chuck and Blair had more chemistry in that brief conversation than Dan and Serena did all last season. Or ever will. Sorry Dan, you're annoying. It's time you came to grips with that. You're also dull. Although not as dull as Nate (who, to his credit, really is trying very hard to be more interesting... only time will tell).

Anyway, I'm so psyched for next week I can hardly contain myself! I'm hearing it's going to be insane, so pretty much par for the course for this show.

My mommy will be so excited. Assuming she can remember to be excited...

Okay, I just watched a couple of clips from next week and I'm simply beside myself! So awesome! XOXO, indeed!

Hell (read: "High School") Tag

1. Did you date someone from your school? Date? No. I did however help my friends stalk people... (You know who you are and you know who you stalked...)

2. What kind of car did you drive? No car now, no car then.

3. What was the most embarrassing moment of HS? The whole affair was pretty mortifying, as I recall (which I don't, really--I've repressed those memories rather well, it seems). I don't think this counts as my most embarrassing moment, but it was cringe-worthy. We were all at an assembly and some poor guy on stage was delivering a comedic monologue or something. It was kind of boring, sure, but our socially inept tag-along Dallas went way too far. So this poor guy on stage is going on and on and right before it gets to the punchline, Dallas yells, "You suck!" loud enough for the whole auditorium to hear. Needless to say, it was inappropriate, mean, and completely ruined the punchline to the story. Everyone in my group slunk down in their seats and covered their faces in an "I don't know him" gesture and a collective groan arose from our row. The poor sap finished his monologue, which completely fell flat, and scurried off stage. Smooth, Dallas. Real smooth.

4. Were you a party animal? Uh, yeah, those Catch Phrase parties got out of control...

5. Were you considered a flirt? "Oh, you, hehehe!" Yeah, no.

6. Were you in band, orchestra, or choir? Are those the only options? Really? Thankfully, none of the above.

7. Were you a nerd? I was on the debate team, in the Honor Society, took nothing but AP classes, and was valedictorian (although Davis High didn't really have such a distinction). You be the judge.

8. Were you on any varsity teams? Does debate count? It does now. Why yes, yes I was!

9. Did you get suspended/expelled? Given that there's no an anti-cynicism policy (that I know of ) that's punishable by suspension or expulsion, I don't think this was ever much of a threat.

10. Can you still sing the fight song? I don't think I'd even recognize the fight song if I heard it. Let's just say debate tournaments had slightly fewer slutty cheerleaders in attendance than sporting events (annnnd therein lies the appeal).

11. Who were your favorite teachers? Ma Barker, Hyer

12. Where did you sit during lunch? My group had a designated table in the lunch room (designated by all as "the loud table"... as opposed to the "cool table"), but we went out to eat a lot of the time.

13. School mascot? Davis Dragons (that's my story and I'm sticking to it)

14. Did you go to homecoming, and with whom? Home-com-ing?

15. If you could go back and do it again, would you? What the hell kind of question is that?! Woe is the sorry soul who would actually go back and do it again. To all those who peaked in high school, may the real world have mercy on your income.

16. What do you remember most about graduation? I'm free! I'm free! That's all I remember.

17. Where did you go senior skip day? I'm willing to wager sleep was on the docket.

18. Were you in any clubs? I think debate was the closest I came to an actual club... Well, that and I was the treasurer for 4H, of course.

19. Have you gained some weight since then? I have weighed within a couple pounds of my current weight since I was 16. I can still wear anything I ever wore in high school

20. Who was your prom date? This questionnaire appears to be pretty shamelessly geared toward people who weren't complete losers and I resent that! Where are questions like, "What grade were you in when you got too tall to be stuffed into a locker?" and such obvious classics like, "After breaking the curve, which would you prefer: swirlies or wedgies?" I mean seriously, who wrote this thing?

21. Are you planning on going to your 10 year reunion? Oh, lord no. The only appeal a reunion holds for me would be leering at others and I can do that from the comfort of my own home.

22. Looking back, what advice would you give yourself? Don't go to class as often, start more fires, trip more cheerleaders in the hall, and take up drinking (although as far as Virginia is concerned, I've already got that last base covered).

Tag some people: Lisa and Bree

9021 d'0h!

Wow. Who knew the original Beverly Hills 90210 was such a spectacular show! All these years I thought it had kinda sucked, but now that I've seen the new version, the original is looking less and less like a high school assembly skit gone wrong and more and more like the greatest work of all time.

The CW's revamped (god, I wish there had been vampires), retooled (emphasis on "tool"), and reinvented (ya know, like the wheel, but with bad writing) version of the 90's phenomenon premiered tonight and managed to defy Bart's knowlege of physics by both sucking and blowing. It was bad, folks. Even worse than I had feared. It's this kind of crap that makes it so damn hard to argue with Ammon's elitist "Oh, I don't watch television" argument. It also makes his delivery of the word "television" (as though it's a pejorative) that much more reasonable. It was decidedly not good. It was so bad it was bad. (As opposed to my beloved Gossip Girl that's so bad is FABULOUS!).

I'm guessing Flavia is the only person who actually watched it, and F, try as I might to enjoy even a single solitary moment, I just couldn't! It sucked too much! :( It was so bad it didn't even fall into guilty pleasure territory... Let me count the ways...

(1) The premiere was 2 hours long (because extra length was obviously the missing ingredient in making it good) and yet they still couldn't fit any substantive storyline or exposition into the plot in a meaningful, non-painful way. The first 10 minutes of the show was so anvilicious I could have cried. I kept thinking of that line from The Great Muppet Caper when after a long, random, seemingly out-of-place pile of information is delivered, the character says, "It's plot exposition. It has to go somewhere." That was pretty much the crux of the show tonight. The opening sequence went a little something like this:

Teenage dingbat: "Dad, it's such a bummer that we have to move to Beverly Hills from our quaint, small town in Kansas, where I left my boyfriend, Jason. I also had to leave the school play where my talents as an actress and singer were formerly showcased. My blood type is A negative and I am alergic to butterscotch and imitation butterscotch."

Dad who's too good looking and young to be her actual father: "I know it's hard, my daughter who is currently 15, but your grandmother (my mother), Tabitha, needs us, so we're moving back to my home town to try to keep her drinking problem under control, which came as a result of working in showbiz for so many years. I got a job as the principal at West Beverly High School, my alma mater which was founded in 1927, where you and your adopted brother Dixon will be going to school."

It was painful to watch. The dialogue was bad to begin with, but compound that with the insanely bad acting and it was positively pestilent. They could have woven all 800 of those details into a cohesive narrative, but that would take, like, totally way too much time. And like, effort... and stuff.

(2) They decided to throw about 800 characters into the show, none of which does the audience care about even a tiny bit. There was no build-up for anyone (aside from clunky plot exposition), no quiet moments to let the audience feel like they knew who these characters were, no endearing qualities presented, no intriguing aspects of self to be explored, and no acting ability to carry it off. It was patently devoid of depth and it just made me not care about anyone and by extension, the random events that were happening to them. I spent half the pilot trying to remember which stick figure was currently on the screen.

(3) Which brings me to my next grievance. There may be no such thing as being too rich, but there is certainly such thing as being too thin!!! (And I used exclamation points there to give you a visual reference for what these girls would look like lined-up.) Oh wow, the main girl, Annie (it's a shame such a fine name had to be degraded by inclusion in this show) and some girl named Silver (yeah, I know) made the Olsen twins look positively husky. You could have sliced cheese on their collar bones. At one point, Lollipop Head pats Victoria Beckham's Skinnier Cousin on the shoulder and I was sure she had cut her hand clean off. Those girls need sandwiches. Stat.

(4) In a shameless effort at attracting an audience that wasn't completely comprised of junior high school students, the show brought back Kelly and Brenda and Nat (oh my!). It forced me to not only have to keep straight who was related to whom and how with the new cast of characters, but I had to dig out what few memories I have of the old show to remember how all of them were related. Apparently Brandon and Kelly had a son together? Or something? And Kelly is somehow Silver's sister? And Silver is David Silver's... neice? step aunt? cousin-in-law? I didn't care enough to figure it all out, but it was annoying nonetheless. Honestly, when it's possible to keep Julie Cooper Nichol Cooper Roberts Cooper straight in my head, I would have thought nothing could stump me. Having to sort out the Cohens, the Coopers, and the Nicholses on The O.C. should have prepared me better for this show... I believe at one point Marissa was her own cousin... Still didn't help. Oh, how I loved vintage O.C.

(5) I've never seen so much storyline crammed into 2 hours... and I watched The O.C.! It was shocking peeps. Let me just take the main girl, Annie, and give a brief rundown of all that happened to her in the span of roughly two episodes. She moved from Kansas to California where she had to make all new friends. She catches a guy she kind of knows cheating on his girlfriend, Naomi, who eventually becomes of her good friends... or so she thinks. Naomi uses one of Annie's old essays as her own, they both get caught and all hell breaks loose. At Naomi's sweet 16 party (which Annie had to sneak out of the house in order to attend, after having been grounded), the truth about her boyfriend comes out and Annie goes around aplogizing to everyone for it. Oh, Annie also makes an enemy out of Silver who posts some nasty things about her on a blog. She and Silver become friends after the whole Naomi thing went down because apparently Silver hates Naomi a lot or something. Naomi helps Annie win a role in the school musical and tells Annie all about her tortured past. Annie breaks up with her boyfriend from Kansas, hooks up with some guy from drama, goes with him to San Fran on his private jet, and gets in trouble for lying about the whole thing when her mom finds something San Fran-esque in her pocket. Also, while she's gone, her grandmother gets in a car accident, and Annie feels all terrible or whatever. She and Naomi's ex, Ethan, have a heart-to-heart about old times and he decides he likes her. Ethan goes over to Annie's house, but finds her making out with San Fran on the porch. That's all I remember, and that's the Cliffs Notes version, BELIEVE ME, so wow...

If that's what happened in the pilot, I have to assume she'll be a top-secret government operative/magician/Libyan arms dealer by the end of the season. That's really the most logical course of events, as near as I can tell.

Oh, there are so many more grivances I could air, but I don't care enough about the show to bother. In general, I don't judge pilots very harshly. After most, I'm intrigued enough to at least give the series a few more episodes to wow me. With 90210... Yeahhh... not so much.

It's kind of a relief not to have to add this steaming pile of unfortunate career moves to my must-watch list, because lord knows, it's pretty full, but I would have liked to have at least had to think about it. This was a no-brainer (in every conceivable sense).

Grade: D (It would have failed flat-out, but Lucille Bluth was in it, so I was lenient.)