Why I Hate Pictures... Secrets Revealed!

Okay, after our little jaunt to Timpanogos Cave on Saturday, I've been getting unapproving jabs from all angles regarding my hatred of photos. No one can seem to understand why I hate them so very, very much. What I can't understand is why anyone loves them... Seriously, do people out there really just love to stare at themselves? I don't get it.

**Quick Disclaimer: This post sounds bitterer than intended and I don't mean it as a jab at anyone. Seriously. You had no idea the reasons for my hatred of photos, so it would be ridiculous to point fingers. I am absolutely in the minority here and I realize that no one can read my mind. Everyone else on the planet seems to love pictures, so this is just a glimpse at my own twisted pathology... Do not take this personally. I realize the rest of the world is completely confounded by my lunacy (and I realize it IS lunacy), so I'm just trying to shed some light.**

I hate having my picture taken (or having anyone else's taken, for that matter), and here's why:

1) It interrupts the activity. I find nothing more disconcerting that when everyone is having a grand old time and someone stops everything so he or she can take a picture. Call me crazy, but I'd rather just appreciate the activity for what it is, while it's happening, than have evidence of the fun we had, just so we can prove we actually had said fun. It breaks the flow and ruins the mood. On a related note, there's nothing more annoying than trying to get somewhere but you have to wait because you don't want to walk through someone else's picture. Not being able to actually enjoy a museum because you're standing in someone's shot is beyond irritating...

2) It's inauthentic. I genuinely don't mind candid photos that much. If you want to snap a quick picture of the events as they are happening, that's actually fairly acceptable in my book. What annoys me more than anything (and this relates to #1), is when everyone is doing something and people break out their cameras to supposedly catch it all on film, but end up with a ridiculous sham. "Come on everybody! Stop what you're doing so I can get a completely inauthentic, totally posed, disingenuous representation of tonight's activity that in no way reflects what actually happened. Now, plaster on a fake smile. Cheese!" Gee... Who wouldn't want that?

3) No one can take a picture quickly. It's bad enough when someone makes you stop what you're doing so that you can all huddle together awkwardly so that a precious memory can be preserved, but it's even worse when you're then subjected to 10 minutes of: "Okay, everyone skooch in closer. I can't see everyone in the shot. Hey, Bobby Ray, get behind Lurlene. Filbert, move your arm. Okay, everyone smile! Oh, wait, that didn't work. Let me try again. Okay got it! Now everyone hold still as I take the exact same photo with nine other cameras." I'm sorry, but WHO FINDS THAT FUN?! I don't get it. AND, why can't one person take the photo and just send it to everyone else? We all know how impatient I am, and having to sit there with a forced smile on my face for 10 minutes is beyond irksome. Case in point, we had to very awkwardly pass that group of people with the two boys like 3 times on the way up to Timp because we kept stopping for pictures. I felt like an idiot making them wait at the side of the trail while we passed them again and again. Maybe that's just me...

4) Any memory that's worth keeping doesn't need photographic evidence. When I think of my fondest memories, they are the times when everyone has been having such a great time that no one even thinks of taking a picture. Any memory that is really cherished will be remember on its own merit and doesn't need a postcard to prove it happened.

5) I hate how I look. And no, I'm not fishing for people to disagree with me here (read: don't email me about this). This is not a "We all love you, Chandler" moment. I'm not one of the pretty people and that's not a big deal. I've had plenty of time to get used to it, and it doesn't bother me most of the time. But then I see pictures of myself... Every time I see a photo of myself, I am reminded of all the things I hate about my appearance and all the things I was teased about as a child and mocked for as an adult. Yeah, I can't imagine why I hate having my picture taken... Even my mother, who is the queen of all picture-taking has learned that it's not worth it to upset me for the sake of having a stupid picture. It honestly ruins my day. After all the Timp photos were posted, I spent the rest of the day in a very bad mood and then began down my spiral of self-loathing. A fine way to spend the day, to be sure... I seriously doubt any of you is actually under the delusion that I'm attractive (although I realize that as my friends you feel the need to say so), but even if you do (and I have a neruo consult standing by, just for you), I certainly don't. No matter how hard you try to convince me, I'll never look at myself and think I'm attractive. My definitions of beauty are antithetical to my actual looks, and all the prodding in the world can't change that. I hate having my picture taken. It's completely depressing and that is why I try so hard to decline. Forcing me to do otherwise invalidates my feelings and makes me very upset. I realize my response to photos is largely irrational, but that's how I feel.

6) People seem to think others have an obligation to be in their pictures. Look, take all the photos you want, but don't make me be in them. Try as I might to understand why on earth people seem to care so much that I be in their pictures, I come up with nothing. Why do you care if I'm in the picture? As far as I'm concerned, you're welcome to take a million pictures of anything and everything you've ever wanted, but I am under no obligation to join in.

7) I have a history. I spent my entire childhood being shoved into pictures I didn't want to be in and now I'm more than a little bitter. After a couple of decades of, "What?! You got a new watch!? Let's get a picture!" believe me, it becomes grating... You think I'm exaggerating? If it were a only digital picture of my old watch, I'd absolutely attach it. Apparently the fact that I was suddenly telling time with a watch that had a black band was such a monumental event that it had to be preserved for all time... Who knew? It's like those couples who "I love you" after every dinner roll that gets passed to them. The words become meaningless when said 800 times a day. I think that's how I think of pictures. I've been in so many pointless pictures that even the ones that logically should mean something seem oddly hollow and disingenuous.

8) I hate looking back at myself. I would really just as soon forget that my past ever existed. I'm not particularly proud of who I am and I'm even less proud of who I used to be (although they're pretty much the same person--which is a big part of the problem...) When I look back at photos of myself, all I see is how little I've done with my life. I can't help but think, "Wow, this picture was taken 10 years ago and I've hardly changed at all..." It's depressing. I'll never be the person I always thought I would be and seeing that I haven't made any steps in the right direction is sobering and disconcerting. I'll be stuck in the same rut I've been in for years. In essence, looking at my past is like looking at my future, and that's just about as sad as it gets.

Anyway, as I mentioned in the disclaimer, I realize that I am the exception here. Everyone else seems to love pictures and no one seems to mind the process... except for me. As such, I am totally down with people taking as many pictures as they want. Seriously, snap away to your heart's content... Just don't make me be in the shot. After reading this post, I have to believe you can see that, however irrational it may seem, having my picture taken is genuinely upsetting, and I'd really prefer not to... Henceforth, please don't make me. :(

That is all.

(As a side note, I had jokingly referred to my new watch as a "monumentous" occasion, knowing full well that that isn't actually a word, but it just occurred to me that not everyone knows that I use it jokingly and would probably just think I was a moron, so I changed it. Wow, there's a run on sentence... At any rate, it's kind of a cross between "monumental" and "momentous" and makes me smile... It's kind of like when I say "tramampoline" or "ginormous." It's intentional. I'm not really that stupid. Close, but not really...)