The Long Con

I tell ya what, wow. A whole lotta stuff happened on last night's season finale of White Collar, but I think we can all agree that the number one thing we learned is that Alex is apparently the smartest person on the show. Note to self: If you're ever held hostage with Neal Caffrey, be sure to hide the only means of survival in your bra. "Just like old times," Alex notes as Neal immediately knows exactly what to do to retrieve the pocket knife. Hehe. I always enjoy musing on Neal and Alex's history together, but that it apparently includes so many instances of Neal fishing for an item in her bra, with his teeth, that it falls into "just like old times" territory cracks me up. Exactly how often did this situation come up, I have to wonder. With Neal and Alex, I suspect it happens a lot more often than you'd think. The look on Peter's face was classic. I don't think Peter will be able to think of bobbing for "apples" in the same way ever again...

This was a big episode that essentially resolved the past two seasons of mythology. Not an easy feat, but I must say, they pulled it off nicely. In spite of a tremendous amount of exposition and story development, it didn't feel forced or rushed. Even better, they wrapped up the whole music box/Kate/fractal/Adler ongoing story arc in a way that actually made sense. It wasn't perfect, and there were several rather convenient elements, but overall, it felt like the writers had actually planned for this since the beginning. Unlike resolutions to story arcs on other shows that were completely unfounded and ridiculous (*cough* Gormogon *cough*), it was actually really satisfying to see it all come together in a mostly logical way. Submarine full of Nazi-stolen art?! Yes, please. Awesome, really. After this much effort and trouble and turmoil, the pay off needed to be huge, and it was. What could possibly possess someone to go through all this? Billions upon billions of dollars in historically relevant art, that's what. So often with shows, I'm left thinking, "That's it?" But here, I was like, "Well, hell ya it's worth it!" I loves me some art and I loves me some history, so I can happily believe that this was a prize worth killing for.

My main quibble was the notion that Adler didn't know about Alex's grandfather. Really? You kidnapped her solely to screw with Neal? I suppose it could happen (Adler knew about Neal and Alex's relationship from back in the day, though I'm guessing he didn't know about the repeated apple bobbing), but I'm not convinced. After all the investigating and planning and scheming Adler has done over the past season, it makes sense that he would have put it all together. However she ended up there, it sure was convenient that she happened to know the secret code to defuse the bomb. What a crazy random happenstance! Honestly though, I had gotten weary of the music box a while ago, so whatever needs to happen to resolve that story, I'm happy with it.

All in all it was very well done. I still find it hard to believe that any criminal in the entire state of New York wouldn't know that Neal was working for the feds (especially one that runs in the same circles as Alex), but I was enjoying the episode enough that I let it slide. Indeed, after the big reveal at the end, that Neal might not be on Peter's side after all, I can at least come up with some conspiracy theories as to why his criminal contacts would still believe him (maybe they know something about Neal's motives that the audience doesn't). The reveal that Adler had been searching for sunken Nazi art was huge and awesome, but the last minute of the show has implications that will affect the entire rest of the series.

I'm unbelievably excited for the direction the show is heading. Quite frankly, it finally seems to be going in the direction I always hoped it would. I love the bromance between Peter and Neal and I adore the dynamic that has been forged between them, but it just seems like it came too easily. Sure there have been instances when Peter doubted Neal, but it's generally been in a mild, almost tongue-in-cheek way. I always thought the buddy-buddy, trusting relationship between Peter and Neal was a bit far-fetched and I was sure that the show would examine Neal's true motives and Peter's suspicions, but heretofore, any wavering was fleeting. Finally, after two entire seasons of establishing their relationship, the show has opened the door to the prospect that Neal really isn't the fed-friendly CI he pretends to be. After the pilot, I assumed the push and pull of their tenuous agreement would be explored early on, but after seeing the first two seasons, I can see where the writers opted to wait. Indeed, I think it was the right decision, even if it didn't always make perfect sense in every episode. Showing cracks in Neal's loyalty now, after two entire years of him convincing Peter (and the audience) that he was one of the "good guys," makes the impact so much greater. Now it isn't simply a con doing what cons do, it's an utter betrayal of friendship. Where the revelation that Neal might be pulling the longest con ever early on in the show would have been par for the course for a career criminal, allowing it to play out after all this time is like a sucker-punch to Peter. I can see where a lot of fans might be dismayed at the thought of Neal turning on Peter (assuming he was ever actually on his side to begin with), but I am completely thrilled. This is where I've been hoping things would go. As the final moments of the finale unfolded, I was grinning from ear to ear and happily yelling, "Run, Neal! Run!" It's not that I delight at the thought of Neal betraying Peter in and of itself, but I think it sets up some incredible drama to come. The internal struggles they'll both be processing should be pretty damn gripping and I can't wait to see it. It's actually where I had hoped Alias would go in seasons 4 and 5. I was hoping that she and Sark would have to work together, but neither could be certain of the other's loyalties. I love it when characters have to try to constantly question motives and and loyalties, especially when both players are consistently 10 steps ahead of everyone else in the room. So great. I, as a viewer, love the guessing game as well, particularly when I'm invested in the best interests of both parties. I don't doubt that there may be heartbreak, but if the writers play their cards right, it should be amazing. If Neal's smile at the end is any indication, we're in for some fun.

Speaking of heartbreak, I'm trying desperately to enjoy seeing Neal and Sara together, but it's just not working. As near as I can tell, the love or hate of Hilarie Burton is split right down the middle of the fanbase. Some seem to think they have smokin' chemistry together, but for me? It feels like I'm watching a high school production of From Here to Eternity, starring a pair of first cousins. Seriously, the difference between watching Neal with Alex and watching Neal with Sara is stark. Neal and Alex absolutely smolder together. They have a very playful, coy, flirty vibe going to totally works for me. When they kiss, I believe it. When Neal and Sara kiss, I try to get into it, but ultimately fail. I can see where she's trying to play the straight-laced, sexually repressed element, but she just doesn't play it well enough to be believable. Usually that kind of dynamic makes the hook-up even more squee-worthy, but here? Uh-uh. I get the feeling that in real life, Matt Bomer and Gloria Votsis (Alex) get along famously, while Matt and Hilarie just work together. I've been pissed ever since I heard that Hilarie had been made a series regular next season, but based on developments at the end of the episode, I'm actually a little hopeful. I'm guessing Sara won't factor into the show in quite the same way I had suspected, which is quite welcomed. Who knows? Maybe Sara is simply part of Neal's plan. I'm not sure where their relationship will go, or if it's truly genuine, but Neal's dirty deeds open the door for it to be far more complicated than I had assumed it would be. Also, what with the mystery note-leaver working with Neal, the future is wide open. I'm really excited to see who is working with Neal (please say Alex), how far this plot goes back (I'm guessing it goes back farther than we think) and how Peter will unravel it all. I have it on good authority that the mystery note-leaver is NOT Kate. Kate is dead. Officially. Show creator Jeff Eastin has confirmed that she is definitely dead, so I can at least scratch that unfortunate possibility off my list.

This show has really come into its own and I think season 3 has the potential to be the best ever. I love seeing Neal be the con he used to be and the cat and mouse between him and Peter is going to be awesome. It really feels like the writers have let the show grow up a bit. I realize that airing on USA network automatically lightens the tone of a show (apparently Eastin's original concept was a dark drama), but they've found a nice balance between the light and dark. They still don't seem to trust their audience as much as they should though. When that burning piece of Neal's painting fell at Peter's feet and the flashed back to earlier in the episode, I couldn't help but to groan. Seriously? That happened like 38 minutes ago and you think I forgot? Even my mom, who is notorious for missing major plot points, was like, "Well, duh." Maybe if that painting had been shown 3 or 4 episodes ago, it would be warranted, but back to less than an hour ago? That's just pathetic. And insulting.

All in all, this show has become one of my favorites and the season 2 finale did the show justice. I have some niggling concerns and questions from the finale that I'm not sure where to put...

• Who is Neal's partner-in-crime? Mozzie? Alex? Someone entirely different? I'm wagering that will be a big part of season 3, but I'm not sure how they'll be able to keep it a secret for very long... Theoretically, if Neal is working with this person in the long run, at least the audience will find out who it is sooner than later. I don't know that the note and key would really be Mozzie's style... or Alex's for that matter... so who knows.
  
  
• I refuse to believe that it was a good idea for Neal's partner-in-crime to leave a note, with an exact address, and a key, in play view on his table. Sure Neal is likely the person who would find it, but especially with Peter's suspicions piqued, I'd have opted for something a little stealthier.
  
  
• Was Neal wearing his anklet when he went to the warehouse? Again, stupid. I assume he had to have had it put back on by that point, but I'm hoping there's a logical explanation for why that wouldn't be the case. Otherwise, Peter should be finding that treasure trove of stolen art in about 15 minutes. Neal knew Peter was suspicious, so unless his zeal got the better of him and he couldn't resist, he should have known better than to have gone to the unit. In related news, they can't get rid of that anklet soon enough.
  
  
• It's safe to assume that the paintings that went up in smoke were all Neal's (nice of them to slip in the fact that he had filled a storage unit with art earlier in the episode). Is it also safe to assume that he took the time and energy to make sure that the chemical composition of the paint and the materials used for the rest of the pieces were historically accurate? As per that episode of Justified with the Hitler paintings, it was clear that the paintings that were burned were not Hitler's based on the materials used. I assume that the FBI would look into it thoroughly, so I assume Neal took the time to make the paintings as authentic as possible... If he had gone to those lengths, however, why wouldn't he have created reproductions of suspected stolen pieces? I'm guessing it's because his plan doesn't go back that far (maybe he really didn't know what Adler was after all this time), but in that case, then the materials will be way off... I'm hoping they address this in season 3, because it's irking me.
  
  
• Or am I completely off the mark here? Who knows, maybe Neal really is an innocent here and the reason he got so angry with Peter in the last scene was because Peter was once again questioning his loyalties. Maybe Neal himself has no idea who took the Nazi haul and put it in that warehouse and maybe next season will be focused on Neal's search for this person. I have a hard time believing Neal was completely in the dark for all this (what with his paintings being the ones that went up in the fire), but I can see where I could be reading way too much corruption into his actions as well... After pondering and pondering, I have a feeling the truth lies somewhere in between my hopes of total nefariousness and the possibility of plausible deniability. However involved Neal already is, I think next season will be an examination of what Neal will do next. Will he keep the treasure and make a run for it? Or will he stay true to Peter? Wherever the writers take this, I'm excited for the ride.
  

Well, there ya have it. There were more niggling questions that I had, but now I can't remember them. I'm hopeful that next season will feature Neal retuning to form as the badass con man we all know and love and that the psychological mind games with Peter will be as stellar as expected. Also, here's hoping that Alex is featured prominently and Sara isn't. (Yes, I know that contract information would suggest otherwise, but a girl can dream, right?)

Kudos, White Collar. Very nicely done.

Week-In-Review 3.1

Sorry this sucker is a little late in coming. I was dying on Friday and just didn't make it. I still feel pretty crappy today, but there doesn't seem to be any way around that...

Most Sobering Look at the Other Half: Fiona isn’t familiar with Word on Shameless
I couldn’t decide it if was incredibly sad or if I was incredibly jealous… Fiona is 21, so it was peculiar enough that she needed to take a class on how to use PowerPoint (“I don’t know what PowerPoint is, but I’m sure you’ll be great at it.”), but it was genuinely heartbreaking to see her so completely out of her depth with even the basics. As the instructor is asking those lame introductory questions, requesting a raise of hands regarding, “Who’s familiar with Microsoft? Microsoft Word? And Excel?” all the hands automatically go up… except for Fiona’s. On the one hand, the thought of never having used these programs felt like some fantabulous and unfathomable fantasy world that I could never be a part of, but on the other, it was pretty scary to think of how utterly crippling it would be to not know how to use a computer. To be so out of your depth is always discouraging, but to know that your only other option is working at a Hooter’s-esque sports bar? That’s unbelievably sad. It’s so completely foreign to me that anyone in this day and age would be unfamiliar with basic computing skills, but for these brutally poor kids who grew up on the wrong side of the tracks? I’m afraid it’s probably all too common a phenomenon.

Best Eyebrow Raiser: Steve isn’t really Steve on Shameless
I’ve always like Steve quite a lot, but now I kinda love him. From the beginning, it was pretty clear that there was more to Steve than meets the eye. As it awesomely turns out, that something more is a different identity entirely. One of the uppercrusty secret life players was apparently a brother, so I can’t imagine this is a long con, and have to assume that he really is a rich kid named Jimmy deep down. The Candace angle is a bit murkier, however… I’m not sure where she factors in or if she really is part of a long con… or who she really is, for that matter. For the first time since the show started, I kinda can’t wait to see what happens next week.

Clearest Indication That We’re Losing the War on Terror: Castle
Apparently a gigantic dirty bomb threatening the citizens of the largest city in the country only worries the national government to the point of sending one guy to save the day. Geez, it’s a good thing the NYPD has a goofy mystery writer on staff or we’d all be dead.

Most Interesting Racial Tidbit: Adrian Pasdar is half-Iranian
Given that his character on Castle was an FBI bigwig who happily engaged in racial profiling in his search for potential Middle Eastern terrorists, I thought the fact that he has Iranian heritage was kind of interesting. I’m not sure how or why I already knew that, but it made the casting choice all the more intriguing—especially given that it turned out that the bombers in the episode were homegrown ex-military men without a shred of Middle Eastern descent.

Least Believable Love Interest: Nora on HIMYM
Look, show, I realize you’re trying to give Barney some layers here, and I appreciate that, but for someone like Barney to really fall for a woman, she really need to have more going for her than Nora does. Barney has been with untold numbers of beautiful women, so to get audiences to believe that he’s really fallen in love, maybe you should have given his love interest more than just beauty. She’s bland as hell and I ain’t buyin’ it. Barney falling for Robin, while ultimately unfortunate, at least made sense. This just seems lazy.

Most Ridiculous Prudery: Face Off
For those of you unaware, this is a movie make-up competition show on Syfy that’s surprisingly entertaining… and fairly prudish, as it were. In a recent challenge, they had to swap the genders of engaged couples. Well, in making one of the fellas into a woman, one of the team created a silicone chest piece in order to give the man breasts. Apparently the detached, unpainted, vaguely breast-like structures pulled out of the mold were just too risqué for basic cable, because they literally blurred the area where nipples would eventually go. Seriously!? Seriously. I’m starting to think that someone is doing that as a joke. Surely it’s a joke, right???

Character Most in Need of a Sandwich: Sarah on White Collar
Holy hell, I’ve never been a fan of Hilarie Burton in general (acting, the total lack of chemistry with Neal, etc), but I’m realizing just how difficult she is to look at in certain outfits. I’m all for being thin, but her shoulders are disgusting. You can see every joint and bone and sinew. Sure, everyone enjoys having a better understanding of a ball-and-socket joint, but this is going too far. Ew.

Least Believable Love Scene: Speaking of Sarah on White Collar
Ugh. When I saw that Alex was going to be in this last episode (I saw the actress’ name in the opening credits), I was hopeful that the writers wouldn’t actually take the Neal/Sarah whateverness in the direction I had feared. It was only a little hope (I’m realistic here), but it was something. Now, what with Neal’s and Sarah’s awkward and unconvincing romp in the hall of records (sexy!), I’m trying to force myself to accept the fact that Sarah really is going to be a series regular next year and that the writers are insistent on pairing her up with Neal. UGH. Aside from my inherent biases against Hilarie Burton as an actress, there is absolutely no heat between Sarah and Neal no matter what your perspective is. Seriously, there are a few Hilarie fans out there (I assume), but I’m guessing even they weren’t convinced. So unfortunate. So forced. So awkward. On the other side of the coin, even Neal’s random conversations with Alex are sexy as hell. They don’t even have to touch for there to be heat. Neal and Sarah can tear each other’s clothes off and can’t even come close. I don’t want to have to stop watching the show, but I hate this storyline. A lot.

Most Shameful Product Placement: White Collar
The only thing I hate more than a bad storyline is a bad product placement. Sometimes a shameless product placement is funny or necessary (these shows have to pay the bills somehow, right?), but with White Collar, is just seems sad and desperate and painfully obvious. Dear Ford (I think), I am in no way more inclined to purchase your product now that Peter has shown me all the ridiculous features that I don’t need. Burn Notice manages to integrate cars and whatnot with ease, finding completely logical reasons for the characters to use the features of said products without shoving it in your face. White Collar? Not so much. Fail.

Awesomest Quintuple-Cross: The Good Wife
One the of best parts of this show is that it keeps viewers on their toes. I was honestly unsure if that one guy was actually double-crossing them or not. As the episode wore one, I started figuring out that he was actually double-crossing Bond, but with this show, you can never be sure, even right up till the last minute. Who knows, he could have been telling Will and Diane that he would screw Bond over, but until the vote was had, he could have gone either way. Phew! Amazing.

Best Kiss: Cary and Kalinda on The Good Wife
I did not see that coming! Honestly, as the scene progressed, I found myself hoping Cary would kiss her (as is so often the hope when these two are onscreen together), but it usually never happens! It totally makes sense that in Kalinda’s Rules of the Universe, giving someone a change-of-address notification is tantamount to a declaration of love, so I guess Cary felt like he had the green light. Wowzers, it was just a simple little kiss, almost a peck, but it was utterly squee-worthy. Seriously, there was more sizzle in Cary and Kalinda’s lip lock than in Sarah and Neal’s near-nudity.

Best Summation of the Profession of “English Teacher” in a Nutshell: Parenthood
I’ve been trying to give Parenthood a second chance, but after last week’s episode (in which the characters basically screamed at each other for an hour solid), I wasn’t too confident. But, I had heard that Jason Ritter would be back, so I tuned in. It was actually a pretty enjoyable episode and involved only minimal fast-forwarding. The best part though was Lorelai’s summation of Ritter’s essential function as an English teacher. When giving a critique of someone’s writing, it pretty much boils down to 1) give 2 or 3 vaguely positive comments to make the person feel good about him/herself, 2) then move on to several super-specific criticisms that make the writer question his/her will to live. Yup, that about sums it up.

Smallest World: Mike and Antonia on Top Chef
Yeah, so, after an entire season of them annoying each other like a couple of quarreling siblings, it turns out, the two of them are actually related. In one of the show’s more creative and interesting challenges of late, the cheftestants got a peak at their genealogy only to find that if you go back a few generations, Mike and Antonia have a lot more in common than just cooking. Ha!

Cruelest Trick: Top Chef
Okay, it’s one thing to tease some random contestant with, “Please pack your knives… because you’re advancing to the finals!” but to do that to Richard “I might just have a heart attack right here in the stew room” Blaise? That’s just mean. Poor guy looks like he was going to collapse… then punch Padma right in the face.

Most Perplexing Crush: I seem to have developed an odd fascination with Tim Gutterson on Justified…
I don’t know what it is or where it came from, but here we are. I find myself inexplicably captivated.

Most Interesting Collision of Two Shows: Ian Somerhalder auditioned for True Blood
I think somewhere in the back of my brain I knew this already, but I seem to have forgotten because it came as a surprise. In spite of Ian’s current vampire gig as Damon on The Vampire Diaries, he actually auditioned to play Jason Stackhouse on True Blood. As awesome as I think he would have been in that role, I think vampirism suits him better.

**Quotes of the Week**

“George, you’re chitchatting—with a gimp.”
--Nina, Being Human (UK). I was only intermittently fond of Nina in season 1, but in season 2 she’s become completely awesome (and funny as hell to boot).

“The Oscars are this Sunday and I think it’s Charlie Sheen’s year. He might make it into the In Memoriam montage.”
--The Soup. Alas, he didn’t make it. No worries, Charlie, you're a shoe-in for next year!

“In book news, Jesse James has signed a book deal with Simon & Schuster to write his memoirs, American Outlaw. Oh, I see, he’s calling it Jesse James: American Outlaw so people will associate it with the murderous bank robber… and not that guy everyone hates.”
--The Soup, regarding Sandra Bullock’s winner of an ex-husband.

"contrary to the rumors, i am not replacing charlie sheen on two and half men. however, martin sheen has asked me to be his son"
—John Stamos via twitter

“The feeling of being hurried is not usually the result of living a full life and having no time. It is on the contrary born of a vague fear that we are wasting our life. When we do not do the one thing we ought to do, we have no time for anything else -- we are the busiest people in the world.”
--Eric Hoffer, philosopher and author (1902-1983). This came with my word-a-day email. In this respect, my calendar actually is pretty damn full.

“Bat shit must be offended by all the Charlie Sheen comparisons.”
--via twitter, courtesy of Schindizzle

“Salt, meet wound. RT @thetvaddict: If #VeronicaMars was still on, its 2.5 million viewers would make it one of The CW's top rated shows!”
-- TVWithoutPity via twitter. Good god that’s depressing (for VM fans, sure, but I think it’s an even tougher pill to swallow for the network, er, “network”).

“You belong in the trophy case of sons of bitches.”
--Glenn Childs, expressing what fans of The Good Wife have thought about Peter Florrick since day one.

Alicia: “I don’t think I even have your old address.”
Kalinda: “Well, now you have my new one.”
Alicia: [mock sentimentality] “I feel like we’ve grown closer together.”
Kalinda: “Okay, give it back.”
Alicia: “Oh, no no no no. This is going in my copy of Eat Pray Love.”
--The Good Wife

Tim: “At least you got to shoot your father. Mine had the nerve to die before I got back from basic with skills and a loaded weapon.”
Raylan: “You didn’t miss much. I thought it was going to be way more fun than it was.”
--Justified. Apparently crappy fathers are required for employment with the US Marshals. That, or shitty fathers are even more common than I thought.

“If you don’t use them then all our money just goes to charity!”
--Noooooooo! Phil on Modern Family regarding some gift certificates they purchased for some sort of charity. Whatever that charity may be, it ain’t gettin’ my money for nothin’!

Oscars 2011

I don't see a whole lot of movies, so I'm not totally sure why I watch the Academy Awards every year, but I do. That said, when I say "watch," I really mean "fast-forward though 80% of it." I don't care what the name of your third cousin is or who ponied up the cash for your movie. I think it was Roger Ebert who said that winners should be able to speak as long as they want, so long as they don't thank anyone. Agreed. The worst offenders actually pulled out slips of paper. Look, I get it, you don't want to forget anyone and have them resent you for leaving them out of your list of people. Best way to avoid leaving someone off the list? Don't have a list. As such, I only listened to a handful of speeches. As soon as it became clear that they were delving into a call sheet, I zipped on by. I even get that muppet song in my head when I'm doing it... Movin' right along in search of good times and good news...

Like I said, I don't see many movies, so I'm genuinely not all that invested in who wins. Of the best picture nominees, I've seen a total of one of them. It's an easy number to keep track of. I guess, if anything, the Oscars give me a reason to add to my Netflix queue (of course, that makes them numbers 137 and up on the list, so maybe I'll see them sometime this decade). Here are some other random thoughts on the proceedings, week-in-review style:

Most Appreciated Self-Referential Moment: Anne Hathaway noting to James Franco, “You look very appealing to the younger demographic as well.”
In a year where the announcement of the hosting duties left everyone scratching their heads and scrunching their brows, it was nice to see that they weren’t even going to pretend that this was a good choice. It served one (largely unsuccessful) purpose, and that was to draw in more, and younger, viewers. Based on the ratings, things seemed to be about on par with last year when we didn’t have two random actors thrown together onstage.

Best Oscar Host (of the two that were provided): Anne Hathaway
When I first heard that she and James Franco would be hosting, I was a little befuddled. It basically sounded like the organizers had simply drawn two names at random from the “Under 35” bin and called it a day. To my surprise, Anne was much more of a delight than anticipated. She genuinely seemed to be having fun and gave the proceedings an air of casual ease. She wouldn’t exactly be my choice in the future or anything, but she was charming and funny and even managed to cover for James Franco, whom I’m willing to wager was at least tipsy.

Worst Oscar Host (not just of the two that were provided): James Franco
He was mumbly, awkward, and unfunny from start to finish. It kind of felt like Anne was on a really bad date that should couldn’t escape from through the bathroom window, so she tried to make the most of it. His comedic timing was way off, and in spite of Anne’s best of efforts to salvage jokes, everything he was in charge of fell pretty flat. In that vein, Dear Academy, men in unconvincing drag stopped being funny about 50 years ago. Ugh. It reminded me of high school, where apparently the height of humor is the football players dressing up as the cheerleaders. Wasn’t funny then, isn’t funny now. And anything that manages to remind me of high school automatically puts you on my bad list.

Best Performance By A Nonagenarian: Kirk Douglas
Sure his words were barely intelligible, he needed a cane holder, he helped lengthen an already interminable awards show, and he clearly had at least one foot in the grave, but he was still more entertaining and charming than James Franco. Melissa Leo’s reaction helped sell the bit. “You’re looking pretty good, too. What are you doing later?” Having a sponge bath and a tall glass of prune juice, I’m guessing… (And yes, I had to look up what comes after "octogenarian.")

Best Presenter: Sandra Bullock
She’s had a colossally bad year (I half expected the “In Memoriam” to include “Sandra Bullock’s Personal Life”), so to see her back on stage, looking stunning in that red dress, and presenting the Oscar with as much charm and warmth as she did was just lovely to see. Welcome back, dear. We’ve missed you.

Best Dressed (Overall): Gwyneth Paltrow
As much as it pains me to throw praise in her direction, she looked amazing in that slinky metallic grown (that she wore on the red carpet, not the one she performed in). It looked effortless, interesting, unique, and comfortable (a bunch of qualities that I don’t generally associated with Gwyneth, so the dress had to work overtime).

Best Dressed (Bun-in-the-Oven Division): Natalie Portman
It was a nice dress and all, but that it somehow managed to make her look only 6 months pregnant instead of 17 (based on how she looked last month, I feared the worst), this dress gets bumped into the upper echelon of fashion (and actual magic, near as I can tell). Most impressive.

Worst Dressed (Among So Many Other Worsts): Scarlett Johannson
Some may cry foul, saying that Cate Blanchett’s dress was worse, but I look at the total package. Cate is a tremendous actress who gave a funny and hilariously honest presentation (quipping at The Wolfman’s make-up nomination, “That’s gross,” which in that field is apparently code for “we have a winner”) who wore a quirky and interesting (if a bit ugly) dress, whereas Scarlett is a horrendous actress, a total bore, and a terrible presenter who wore a dress that’s ugly and dull. She is just awful. In everything.

Weirdest Trend: Ill-fitting Suits
Speaking of worst dressed, was there a sale of bad suits that I was not made aware of? Apparently they’re selling like hotcakes, because even the hottest men in Hollywood somehow managed to look completely awful. Jude Law’s tux looked about two sizes too small and I honestly couldn’t tell if the white tuxedos were a joke…

Person I’m Gladdest Won: Aaron Sorkin
In all honesty, I haven’t seen The Social Network yet, but I’m a Sorkin fan through-and-through. He’s all about dialogue, and that speaks to me on more than just a literal level. Even just from the clips I’ve seen of the film, it’s delightfully apparent that his razor-sharp wit and cerebral approach are present. He doesn’t dumb down his writing or appeal to the lowest common denominator. Indeed, if he has one failing, it’s knowing just how brilliant he is. His acceptance speech included more than a few thank-yous, but it also included a lot of humor and perspective. That I can handle.

Cutest Acceptance Speech: Luke Matheny for his live action short film God of Love
He was disarming and adorable and managed to be one of the few speeches I actually listened to. I love that his mom provided craft service for the film and that she got the much-deserved shout-out. And, although I’m far from a romantic, closing his speech with a love letter to his composer and the love of his life was pretty damn sweet and even elicited an uncontrollable “awww” from the audience. Especially given the cupid-y theme of his movie. How do you break up with a guy after that?

Biggest Surprise: Umm… That there weren’t any?
Seriously, the look on the favorite's face when the random underdog (*cough* Marissa Tomei *cough*) beats them is one of the biggest draws of the show. This year? No dice.

Cheesiest Time Suck: I’m sorry, why are there a bunch of kids in unfortunately colored T-shirts singing?
Heartwarming? No. Time waste-y? Yes. Seriously, I’d rather listen to people read names off scraps of paper, er… continue to listen to people read names off scraps of paper…

All in all, I'd say the best part of the evening was another Modern Family Oscar promo:



And in case you missed last year's:

Week-In-Review 2.4

I keep thinking these posts will get shorter, but alas, I just can't help myself. In other news, where did February go? With sweeps drawing to a close, we're in for a drought in March, so maybe these will finally shrink. Seriously, The Vampire Diaries and Nikita won't be back till April 7th. Not cool, CW. Not cool.

Most Convenient Accessory: Beckett’s Geiger Counter on Castle
I didn’t realize those were standard issue… Seriously, I spent the entire rest of the episode hoping someone would mention why the hell of a New York homicide detective would be wearing a radiation meter, but everyone just acted like that was a totally normal item for her to be wearing. Really? A Geiger Counter? Maybe there’s an app for that…

Shortest Cliffhanger: Castle
Oh my god! Castle and Beckett are trapped in a freezer with a dead guy who froze to death and THEY MIGHT BE NEXT! Dun, dun, DUN! Wait… Yeah, no, false alarm. The preview of next week (which appeared mere moments after the thrilling musical queue signaling their apparent demise) lets us know they’ll be right as rain in no time at all. I, uh… can’t wait till next week? The edge of my seat went from occupied to vacant in under a minute. Thanks a lot, promotional department. Well played?

Bittersweetest Reference: Serenity on Castle
Don’t get me wrong, show, the references to Nathan Fillion’s past as our favorite space cowboy make me grin and clap and squeal, but all the merriment is quickly followed by the sobering realization that it’s all over. It makes it hard to move on.

Character that May as Well Leave the Show Now: Zoey on HIMYM
Well, she isn’t the mother, so in terms of Ted’s current relationship—all together now—who the hell cares!? Don’t get me wrong, I’m more than a little happy to hear that Zoey won’t be sticking around for the long-run, but it makes me seriously apathetic towards the short run. After this long, it’s time to find the mother already. Although I’m a fair bit intrigued to see how things end for Ted and Zoey… apparently it’s pretty bad. Here’s hoping it’s pretty quick as well.

Question: What is the Dirtiest Kids’ Movie Title Ever?: Jeopardy Answer: "What is Pussy Furry?"
Ha! I’m officially 13 years old, thanks. The best part? I don’t think nerdy, sheltered Raya truly realized just how funny/dirty/inappropriate her response was. I greatly appreciated that one of her competitors couldn’t stifle a laugh though. I sure couldn’t.

Randomest PSA: Glee
Where the hell did that come from? In yet another in the recent long line of sub-par episodes (this one courtesy of repeat offender Ian Brennan), Glee’s PSA against drinking seemingly came out of left field. I can understand afterschool-special-type moments about bullying because it relates directly to the story, and I can forgive the random tribute to certain musical artists, what with this being a musical and all, but a PSA against alcohol coupled with (essentially) a tribute to Ke$ha? Yeah, NO. Does Brad Falchuk even write for the show anymore? We’ve had nothing but Murphy and Brennan for entirely too long.

Most Unexpectedly Steamy Lip-Lock: Blaine and Rachel on Glee
Amid the unwelcomed lesson about the dangers of drinking, blah, blah, blah, the episode did have quite a lot of fun with Rachel’s party. For as disappointing as the rest of the episode was, I couldn’t stop myself from smiling ear-to-ear for the Rachel Berry House Party Train Wreck Extravaganza. And, in an improbable turn of events (er, spin of events, I should say), Blaine and Rachel had a surprising amount of sexual chemistry together with a rather convincing kiss. Way to throw a bone to us straight gals out there (especially those of us who have a penchant for crushing on possibly gay guys), even if for only a little while. I loved how drunk Rachel seems to think that Blaine’s full name is Blaine Warbler. Heh.

Best Song: Don’t You Want Me, Baby from Glee
Why yes, Blaine, I do! I think it had more to do with drunken chemistry than the song itself, but I totally loved this. You could tell they were both having an absolute blast doing this number (the characters and actors). I get the feeling Lea Michele and Darren Criss have been wanting to do a duet since Blaine joined the show. As far as performances on the show are concerned, Rachel and Blaine are the two who ham it up the most, so it was quite a lot of fun to see those two tornados of enthusiasm in the same number.

Best Costume Design: Speaking of Rachel and Blaine…
Ha! I don’t know who picked out that green 1970s bridesmaid’s dress for Rachel to wear, but I think we can all agree that it is exactly the dress she would have chosen for her would-be swanky adult soiree. It was also nice to see Blaine in some casual clothes for once. “Preppy hipster” suits him well.

Most Welcomed Return: Being Human (UK edition)
It’s been too long! Last season got a little soapy and a bit uneven in the middle, but ended in spectacular fashion. The new season started up on Saturday and reminded me of why I fell so hard for this show in the first place. It also put the US version into shocking clarity. The Syfy interpretation is pretty good, but the UK version is bloody brilliant in every conceivable regard. Having the UK edition back is kind of making me like the US version less and less. It just can’t hold a candle to its predecessor. I’ve heard that the US version really starts to blaze its own path around episode 6, so that should help. As is, it’s starting to feel like I’m watching the same show as before, only not as good, which is a bit of a downer. Anyway, I’m totally stoked that the Brits are back. They have an emotional range and depth of storytelling that is unmatched by the US edition and it’s nice to have that kind of gravity back. I’m thoroughly glad that Mitchell saved Annie from purgatory sooner than later. My primary concern after last season was that we’d spend the better part of this season trying to get her back. Thankfully, our darling Mitchell is more than willing to face an eternity of hell to save her. Aw.

Longest Foreshadow: Annie and Mitchell on Being Human (UK)
It was clear back at the beginning of season 1 that their potential romantic chemistry was established and an accidental kiss was had, but we’ve had very little payoff since then. It’s been satisfying to see their relationship deepen over time, but I’m glad to see that the show is finally exploring that side of their hopes at “being human.” They’ve both been through a lot and it’ll be nice to see them interact in a new way. Of course, it’ll probably end horribly, but that’s all part of the ride. “But I’m dead,” Annie laments. “So is he…”

Worst Mother: Anyone Ever Featured on Toddlers & Tiaras
It would be impossible to narrow down the “worst mother” title to just one offender, but I think I was most unnerved when the following thought sprang to mind, “I’m sorry, did you really just give your 15 month old baby a spray tan?” Wow. Just, wow.

Best Guest Star: Gary Cole on The Good Wife
The Good Wife always has stellar guest stars, but Gary Cole as ballistics expert Kurt McVeigh was my favorite this week. His and Diane’s relationship is practically unfathomable from a political perspective, but their chemistry is undeniable (his love of Sarah Palin notwithstanding). I still can't look at him without hearing, "Yeah, hi," in my head though...

Biggest Pet Peeve: Detectives Who Don’t Put Their Gloves On
This happens all the time and I notice it all the time and it never gets less annoying. Instead of actually putting their gloves on, they just use them as a hanky to pick up evidence or open drawers and windows of a crime scene. A) You’re look ridiculous, B) Exactly how long does it take to put gloves on? and C) Most of the time, you’re still contaminating the evidence, punkin. I assume there’s a production reason for it, but seriously, just start the scene with the gloves on. They’re investigating a murder here, people. They’d have gloves on before the entered the damn house.

Best Backstory That Really Should Have Been Introduced 3 Seasons Ago: Emily Prentiss on Criminal Minds
Good lord, you couldn’t have fleshed-out her character with an espionage-y past with Interpol back when she first started on the show?! I’ve always liked her well enough, but she’s generally been a bit bland. Now that you’ve decided to write her off the show you give her a backstory that makes me invest? That’s just mean.

Character I’m Gladdest Didn’t Get Killed Off Last Season: Dewey Crowe on Justified
This season of Justified is proving to be even better than the first, and that’s thanks in no small measure to the deep-fried absurdity that is Dewey Crowe. He makes for hilarious comic relief, but also contributes to the overall narrative in a meaningful and believable way. Not an easy feat.

Most Improbably Successful Impersonation: Dewey Crowe as Raylan Givens on Justified
Ha! Hats off to Dewey (well, I guess it would be hats on, really) for being ballsy enough to dress up as Raylan Givens in order to swindle some baddies out of their stolen prescription pills. I loved when the real Raylan went over to the witness and was like, “Am I the man you saw?” To which she hilariously replied, “Lord, no.” I don’t know if you’ve met Dewey and Raylan, but the two could never be confused. I’m pretty sure I’d remember if Timothy Olyphant showed up at my house, thanks.

Most Ridiculous Runway: America’s Next Top Model
Now, this show is in cycle 817 at last count, so they’ve had a lot of crazy-ass runways in their day, but putting the girls in plastic bubbles and having them walk down a foot-wide platform in a pool? Wow. In all honesty, I don’t think anything can compete with the runway where they had to dodge the giant pendulums, but watching the girls fall in their bubbles and then slip and slosh on the surface of the water was pretty damn entertaining.

Catchiest Song: You Gotta Have Jeff from Community
You thought the winner of this category would be from Glee, didn’t you? Yeah, well, that was before I saw Jeff’s 1997 audition tape for The Real World Seattle. Man alive, I’ve seen blackmail videos before, but this one tops them all.

Worst Crime Against Chef Law: Mike on Top Chef
Good god, could he get kicked off the show already? It's bad enough to flat out steal a dish from a fellow competitor, but then to pretend that it was Richard's own stupid fault for not using the dish himself? That's the hallmark of a total bastard. Not that that's a surprise, what with Mike being a total dick from day one, but to blatantly admit that he couldn't come up with his own idea is just pathetic. I swear to god, if he wins this season, I'll have to be done with the show. Blaise or Carla for the win!

Biggest Headscratcher: The Vampire Diaries--I’m sorry, exactly how are Stefan and Damon getting Elena and Katherine mixed up?
I realize that they look exactly the same and all, but Elena’s alive and Katherine’s a vampire. Surely Stefan and Damon, also vampires, should be able to almost instantly tell the difference (what with their supernatural senses of smell and hearing). Vampires are dead and don’t have a heartbeat (at least I don’t think they do on this show), and I’m not sure just how doppelganger-y Elena and Katherine are supposed to be, but they’re identical right down to scent? Don’t get me wrong, it makes for good TV, but every time she pulls a fast one on them, I’m a little annoyed. Humans not seeing the difference? Fine. Other vampires? Not so fine. Convenient, more like.

Best Reason (or 50) to Stop Going to School: You live in Mystic Falls
It always cracks me up when the characters on The Vampire Diaries pretend that they actually care about school. They’re currently dealing with the world’s most convoluted story-arc and we’re to believe they have an algebra test this afternoon? Ha! I’m sorry, you have an immortal dead-guy in the basement, you just barely got rid of the werewolves, there are witches trying to kill you, even older, even more immortal dead guys trying to kill you, a doppelganger who just escaped and is probably trying to kill you, there’s a moonstone that no one can remember why it matters (seriously, I lost track of that shiny bar of soap 5 episodes ago), and you’re worried about being late for school? Oh, honey. You really need to sort out your priorities. I guess the one saving grace is that no actual learning is done at school. It’s really just a meeting place where random supernatural elements make plans.

Best Cliffhanger: Nikita
The Vampire Diaries' cliffhanger was good, Nikita’s was better. Holy hell, what a game-changer! I can’t wait! "Ask me how I got here." Ahhhh!

**Quotes of the Week**

“You know what they say, Charlie [Sheen], people in glass houses… have a lot of cool things to snort coke off of.”
--Joel McHale on The Soup, regarding Charlie Sheen’s advice to Lindsay Lohan on how to clean up her life. Hello, Pot? This is Kettle. You’re black.

Realtor: “Do what you want, as long as the rent’s covered. We’ve been trying to shift this place for months. I reckon it’s haunted.” [pause]
[simultaneously]
Nina: “No, it’s fine.”
George: “Nope, there’s nothing here.”
--Being Human (UK). Oh, how I’ve missed this show. It’s got a humor that’s so much subtler and more authentic than the US version.

Steve: “You feel like the world will stop spinning on its axis if you take a night off. You know how when a plane starts going down they tell you to put your mask on before helping anyone else? Put your mask on, Fiona!”
Fiona: [pause] “Yeah, well I’ve never been on a plane!”
--Steve, telling Fiona what the audience has known all along on Shameless. She’s over-extended and burning out. I mainly included this quote because it made me wonder: Would people who’ve never flown know about the whole, put your own mask on before helping other people thing? As a person who’s flown a fair bit, the reference was obvious, so it seemed unfathomable that anyone would be unfamiliar with it. Not that I think Fiona was oblivious, but I could see where someone might be. Weird.

“Alcohol, William. The wet devil. Our children are so brazen they’re showing up to school wasted. And not wasted on learning, Will. Wasted on booze.”
--Principal Figgins on Glee. Let me tell ya, I’ve been wasted on learning more than a few times, and the theme for this week’s cautionary tale could have used some revision.

“Who cares about you, buddy? I might get a new boyfriend out of this who can keep up with me vocally and in the future, give me vaguely Eurasian-looking children.”
--Rachel, regarding her and Blaine’s genetic capabilities on Glee. They really are pretty ethnically ambiguous, now that they mention it. IMDb/Wikipedia to the rescue! Lea’s mother is an Italian American Roman Catholic, while her father is a Spanish Sephardic Jew. Darren’s mother is from the Philippines and his father has Irish ancestry. Hmh.

Dianna: “A contemporary of Neal’s? This I gotta see.”
Peter: “No, he’s not what you’d expect. He’s a little more Ratso Rizzo than Cary Grant.”
Neal: “I’m Cary Grant?”
Peter: “Only by comparison to Ratso Rizzo.”
--White Collar. And yes, Neal, you’re Cary Grant, with or without a Ratso Rizzo comparison.

“I have a boyfriend. Or, I had a boyfriend… He joined a circus.”
--America Ferrera as Natalie Morales on The Good Wife. Her deflated delivery of the line was hilarious.

“Happy Valen-birth-iversary!”
--Phil on Modern Family, using the new catch-all for screw-ups.

“You’re a thrill a minute, Raylan. We need to sell tickets.”
--And I need to by them. (Art, regarding Raylan’s rekindled romance with Winona on Justified.)

“Did Kurt used to sing on #Glee, or did we imagine it? Bigger question: With Blaine around, do we care?”
--TWoP via Twitter, asking a very good question. I miss Kurt, but with Blaine around, I don’t notice his absence so often.

Mike: “In gumbo, there’s potatoes, right? Traditionally?”
Tiffani: “No.”
Mike: “No?”
Tiffani: “Never.”
--Top Chef, once again showcasing Mike’s total lack of knowledge about cooking. Tool.

Katherine: “You were mean. And very rough. And monstrous.”
Damon: “You deserved it.”
Katherine: “I like this Damon.”
Damon: “Katherine, there are six other bedrooms in this house. Go find one.”
--I love that Katherine has finally returned to The Vampire Diaries, but I love more that Damon can finally resist her (even if it’s pretty clear that he’s unbelievably tempted). Maybe his new resolve has to do with this:

“I wanted out of the tomb. Didn’t matter who paid the price. Of course I knew that you’d die.”
--Seriously, Katherine, that’s cold. And completely illogical. If you’re going to get one of the Salvatores killed, why not make it Stefan? I think most of us can agree that he’s the better choice.

“Garrett. That guy’s just a mess. It’s like God spilled a person.”
--Troy on Community, regarding one the front-runners for student government.

“Boy, no matter what you do, all roads seem to lead back to Nikki, don’t they.”
--Birkoff on Nikita, finally realizing the basis for the show that he’s in.

Countdown to Slaughterama 2011

Every year around this time, I usually put together a list of shows that have been officially picked up, shows that are officially cancelled, and shows which are "on the bubble" for renewal next year. I was compiling the list last week when it dawned on me that I don't actually care about the fates of 90% of network television, and another 8% have certain futures. The fact that there are only a small handful of shows that I'm concerned about led to a fair amount of apathy toward the whole process. As such, I'm punting a bit. Thankfully, in this day and age, there are more than a few experts out there weighing in on the fates of network programming, even though there are only a few shows that are actually worth caring about these days. Official pick-ups and cancellations will happen in May.

Here are two resources that are well-worth perusing if you are concerned about your shows and want some expert opinions (aside from mine) on whether or not they'll be back next year:

• TVLine Renewal Scorecard
  With my darling Michael Ausiello as editor-in-chief, this website has quickly become one of my favorites. Michael knows the biz better than just about anyone and his renewal scorecard is usually very accurate. He's really one of the best and most trusted names on my list, so it's pretty safe to defer to his expertise, even thought I'll be offering my own assessments below. Even better, he updates the scorecard periodically, so in the event that new information becomes available, he adjusts his predictions accordingly.
  
  
• Metacritic TV Cancellation Watch
  For a more comprehensive analysis of each show's chances for survival, this is a great website. They've taken predictions from several reliable sources and created a grid of expert predictions. Some of the individual predictions are completely off the reservation (someone actually thinks No Ordinary Family has a chance in hell?), but you can see all the predictions collectively as well, which gives an overall impression of the show's chances. It makes for an interesting read, but as far as I know, it won't be updating as the season goes on, so some of the predictions may be invalidated without any changes to the site.
  

Well, there you have it from the other experts. Here are my expert thoughts on who'll make it and who's a goner... (I'm only including scripted programming and I'm excluding shows that are obviously going to be picked up--check those two websites if you're unsure which ones those are.)

VERY LIKELY RENEWAL

• Desperate Housewives
  It was conspicuously missing from ABC's early pick-up list, but that has more to do with contract negotiations than anything else. Assuming they can iron out the details, and I fully suspect they will (let's face it, Hollywood isn't exactly knocking down those actors' doors), it'll be back.
  
  
• The Good Wife
  Compared to other CBS shows, The Good Wife's ratings leave a bit to be desired. Actually, in terms of total viewers, it's quite strong, but in terms of key demo numbers, it could stand to be a lot higher. That said, it's their only critically acclaimed series and the only show on their entire slate that deserves such praise. I can't say it'll stay on Tuesday nights, but I'm confident it'll be back next season. The CBS brass loves the show and in spite of the ratings, they know they've got something no other big four network has. Class.
  
  
• Hawaii Five-0
  While not quite as obvious a pick-up as Mike & Molly, I think Alex O'Loughlin can breathe a sigh of relief for once. I'd be really surprised if this one didn't come back. On any other network, it would be a clear no-brainer pick-up, but with CBS, there's always a chance that as high as your ratings are, they could be higher...
  
  
• Nikita
  A lot of bloggers have given this show a more fretful prognosis, but I'm confident it'll be back. It's numbers aren't great (even by CW standards), but with Smallville ending and Supernatural and One Tree Hill aging horribly, I think Nikita will make it. It better is all I can say. In their corner? The showrunners behind The Vampire Diaries love Nikita, and I like to think they have some sway with the powers-that-be.
  
  
• Harry's Law
  The key demo numbers could certainly be better, but overall, this is one of the very few bright spots in NBC's pilot season. If the numbers start to slide, that's another story, but at this point, I think it'll be fine.
  
  
• Parenthood
  It's numbers have stabilized in a place that I think NBC must be happy with, so I think it's chances are quite good. Unfortunately, the show it self is quite painful to watch these days. I hate to break up with it.
  

COULD GO EITHER WAY

• Blue Bloods
  It's a tough call between The Good Wife and Blue Bloods in terms of numbers. Based on ratings, they're neck and neck, but I think if it boils down to one or the other, CBS will make the right call and pick up The Good Wife. The problem for CBS is that they're simply too successful. They have too many highly-rated shows for too little space on the air. (Which isn't to say their shows are all worth-watching, but simply, that middle America does.)
  
  
• Better with You
  It's not doing well, but it's a half-hour comedy, so it might get a pass.
  
  
• Brothers and Sisters
  It's an aging series, with sinking ratings, but ABC doesn't exactly have a lot of established shows to hang its hat on these days, so I'd say it's a toss up. It'll depend on how Body of Proof performs and what their pilot slate looks like for fall. I'd err on the side of a pick-up though.
  
  
• Mr. Sunshine
  It's really too early to tell with this one, but based on it's first two weeks of numbers, it's a toss up. It premiered to excellent numbers, but fell steeply in its second week. If the slide continues, it'll likely get cancelled, but if it can stay roughly where it currently is, it should be fine.
  
  
• V
  Its numbers have actually been a lot higher and more stable than I ever would have expected, but they're still not spectacular or anything. This one's a toss-up. If I had to make a prediction, I'd say it'll be cancelled.
  
  
• $#*! My Dad Says
  God I hope this sucker gets cancelled, but it's a half-hour comedy with decent enough ratings, so it could go either way.
  
  
• The Chicago Code
  It pains me to acknowledge it, but the future of this show is by no means certain. It's too early to tell for sure, but based on the first two sets of numbers, it's going to be a nail-biter for this show. If it can stay where it is with the ratings, it'll be back, but if it slides again next week, it probably won't make it. Boo.
  
  
• Chuck
  Chuck's on the bubble?! I'm shocked! The weird thing is, this is the most favorable it's chances have looked in years. Unfortunately, the show got unwatchable, so I don't really care. A few weeks ago, I would have put this in the "likely to be renewed" category, but it's started sliding bit by bit the past few weeks and it's now in the danger zone. I'd err on the side of a pick-up.
  
  
• Community
  In case you don't watch this show (and based on its ratings, that's most people), this is the best comedy on the air. Yes, it's better than Modern Family, as far as I'm concerned. It's ratings aren't great, but it's a half-hour show on a sinking network, so I think it'll make it. It better make it.
  

VERY LIKELY TO BE CANCELLED

• The Defenders
  CBS has too much going for it to keep this dead weight around. I'll be shocked if they keep it on the schedule, even on a Friday.
  
  
• The Event
  I wouldn't say it's completely hopeless (this is NBC we're talking about), but with the new network sheriff in town, I'm pretty sure this one is going to be cancelled.
  
  
• Detroit 1-8-7
  I hear it actually turned into a quality show, but with ratings like these, it would take a miracle to survive. It was all I could do not to put it in the "no chance in hell" category. I don't think this one really has a chance, but it hasn't been pulled from the schedule yet either, so for their sakes, here's hoping for a long shot.
  
  
• No Ordinary Family
  Decent concept, horrendous cast and execution. I'm not surprised in the least that this show is struggling. Majorly struggling. I don't think it'll be back.
  
  
• Off the Map
  It started out well-enough, but it's been sliding ever since. It's most recent numbers were pretty bleak, even for ABC. I'd be surprised if it eeks out a win. It's a Shonda production though, so if she puts up enough of a fuss, ABC might be browbeaten into keeping it. That'd really be the only way.
  
  
• One Tree Hill
  I think this year might finally be the year. The show is old, and horrendous, and I think the CW finally knows it.
  
  
• Human Target
  I stopped officially following their ratings, but I know they're not good. Really not good. That, plus the fact that Fox has limited space and it's an expensive show to produce and I think this one's a goner.
  
  
• Lie to Me
  This show has been little more than a filler for the past couple of seasons, but I think even that dubious distinction will likely come to an end. I think their only chance is if Fox decides to keep it for midseason next year, in order to replace cancelled new shows. Hey, that's basically what happened last season, so who knows. Personally, I think it's a goner.
  
  
• Traffic Light
  I never even watched the pilot, but I'm hearing its numbers are pretty abysmal. See ya.
  
  
• Perfect Couples
  I only saw the pilot, and that was plenty. I think it's a goner.
  

NO CHANCE IN HELL OF RENEWAL

• The Cape
  I hate to break it to fans out there (although based on the shows numbers, I'm thinking they don't actually exist), but there's no way this sucker is coming back next year. Even NBC isn't that desperate. Hell, I'm not sure the CW is that desperate.
  
  
• Chase
  It's already essentially been canceled, in case the two people out there who watched the show hadn't noticed.
  

Week-In-Review 2.3

I didn't have the time this week to review the new shows in depth and in their own posts, so I've simply included some little nuggets below. The third week of the month is always super-busy for me and I simply couldn't bring myself to trying any harder than this. There really wasn't anything concrete to latch onto with Mr. Sunshine, Mad Love, or Crinimal Minds: Suspect Behavior anyways. On with the show!

Lowest Blow: Shameless
This is a show with a lot of low blows, several in the last episode alone, so the bar is set pretty high, er, low... This episode featured Carl (easily the most expendable kid in the family) hitting a high school jock in the knee after he’d already surrendered (he had already had his SAT scores invalidated, so taking out his knee basically ruined his only chance), so on any other day, that would have been the lowest blow, but not this time. After more than two decades of neglecting his children, never engaging in any parental duties or attending the school’s Parents’ Night even once for any of his kids (even when the stakes are high enough that one of them is going to be expelled), it’s revealed that he attended Parents’ Night as Karen’s “Daddy Frank.” The real heartbreaker was watching the younger kids who didn’t immediately understand the implications of Frank showing up to Parents’ Night for someone else’s kid. Man alive, listening to the little kids say that they wanted to go say “Hi” to daddy while Fiona and Lip are devastated was pretty gut-wrenching. Never once did he show up for them, but he shows up for a neighbor. Ouch.

Fewest Awards Given at an Awards Show: The Grammys
I have honestly never watched the Grammys before (music isn’t really my thing), but I figured I’d give it a chance on a slow night (plus, my brother and sister-in-law were in attendance, so I cared more). I should have just watched the TLC docu-soap The Queen instead. Not only was it boring as all get out, but I was under the apparently incorrect assumption that awards would be given out. Seriously, 3 ½ hours, and I think there were maybe 5 awards? Is that the norm? Don’t get me wrong, no one wants to hear acceptance speeches, but it seemed really odd to me. And didn’t half those songs come out like 3 years ago? Seriously, none of what was nominated seemed at all recent. It was like there were nothing but Temple Grandins… I fast-forwarded through probably 95% of the show and I don’t think I missed anything… except maybe a bunch of crap I probably wanted to miss… Speaking of which, I have never even heard of Esperanza whatever-her-name-was, but seeing anyone else on the planet win Best New Artist besides Justin Bieber kind of makes her my hero. I'm feeling a sudden urge to purchase whatever kind of music it is that she makes...

Most Logical Course of Events: Scheduling the thousand-year-old Rolling Stones performance right after the “In Memoriam” montage on the Grammys
That was after the “In Memoriam,” right?

Most Unwittingly Prohibitive Element of a New Show: The main characters on new CBS comedy Mad Love are named Ben and Kate.
I just… I can’t. I realize there’s no way that the writers of the show could know that I already get to watch the relationship woes of my own real-life Ben and Kate (hi guys!), but I just don’t think I can watch the fiction version as well. Too weird. On a semi-related note, is there some new requirement where shows simply must have a Kate? It’s a fine name, to be sure, but I think there’s at least one on 80% of the shows I watch. Anyway, I don’t think cutting Mad Love from my list is too much of a loss. It was by no means the worst pilot I’ve seen, but it didn’t really grab me either. Mad Love is basically How I Met Your Mother minus Marshall, and I already watch HIMYM, so I think that quota has officially been filled. Seriously, it was shockingly similar. Which, dear writers, if you had any chance of avoiding constant comparisons to HIMYM, maybe you shouldn’t have cast Sarah Chalke in the lead (you know, what with her being the probable mother for like 2 entire seasons).

Nastiest Piece of Work: Alderman Gibbons on The Chicago Code
This guy is cold and twisted and manipulative as hell… and I’m lovin’ it.

Best Backstory: Little Ricky Castle
Erring on the lighter, more comedic side of the crime procedural genre, we don’t often get a ton of backstory for the characters on Castle, and when we do, it’s almost always for Beckett. As such, it was incredibly nice to get some depth on Castle himself this week. He’s the lovable goofball most of the time, but Beckett wouldn’t have kept him around this long for amusement alone, and now we get to see where some of his range comes from. It also served as a motivation for his unyielding dedication to his friend, even going so far as to fight with Beckett. This isn’t just some random friend; this guy made Castle the man his is today (and saved him from being a lawyer). Sooo… in spite of all the murder and whatnot, I say god bless him. (That was a nice twist at the end with the reveal that he actually had killed his father after all. Didn’t see that coming.)

Most Disappointing Man vs. Machine Competition: Jeopardy!
When I first heard that Ken Jennings and Brad what’s-his-name would be competing against an IBM computer, I was intrigued to see if the computer could really ascertain the meaning of the questions and respond. Well, turns out it can most of the time, which is impressive, but the actual competition was frustrating as hell. It’s not so much a matter of who’s smarter, or can a computer answer these kinds of questions better than a human, it’s basically proving that computers can ring in faster than humans. Well, no shit! Of course it can. Geez, the looks on the two guys’ faces expressed my annoyance as a viewer.

Person Most in Need of a Brad Falchuk Episode of Glee: Yeah, that would be me.
Really? An Ian Brennan episode, then two Ryan Murphy episodes? I thought this week would be a Brad Falchuk! I was utterly crestfallen when I saw the writing credit a few minutes in. Don’t get me wrong, Murphy’s episodes are better than Brennan’s, but at this point, I need more. I was going to label this under “biggest Glee disappointment of the week,” but that contest just got entirely too crowded. If I don’t get a stellar episode soon, I might just be done with the show.

Only Truly Redeeming Element of This Week’s Episode of Glee: Rent
Good lord, that was a truly unfortunate array of songs this week. I fully admit that I fast-forwarded through most of them. Oh how I wish they would stick to show tunes. The Rachel/Mercedes Rent duet to Take Me or Leave Me was awesome. Even better? Rachel’s mother, aka Idina Menzel, sang Rachel’s part in the original broadway cast. Double awesome. It almost makes up for the horrendousness of the Bieber crap and I Know What Boys Like (a song which I didn’t think could possibly get worse than the original version). I actually enjoy Sing by My Chemical Romance quite a bit, but it just didn’t feel right here (especially with Finn in the lead—could he please get kicked off the show? Or go mute?). I’m pretty surprised My Chemical Romance even let Glee have the rights to it. Street cred? What street cred? Also, did I fast-forward through the part that explained why they were dressed like lumberjacks? I must have…

Sexiest EV-RY-THING: Kalinda on The Good Wife
It kills me that more people aren’t watching The Good Wife. This show just keeps getting better and better. At the very center of the awesomeness? Kalinda Sharma (if that is her real name, and I think we all know that it isn’t). Okay, I thought that scene between her and the FBI woman was hot, but then she and Blake strip searched each other (among other things) and I saw just how tame the previous scene had been. I have always loved the dynamic between Blake and Kalinda and this week it came to a… climax? Sure, why not. There’s a sense to danger and total manipulation in every scene they’re in and here it ended up with a baseball bat to Blake’s ribs. Kalinda may have reduced Blake to a gasping heap on the floor, but his revelation that he had “phoned” her husband was even more of a blow, methinks. Husband?! Holy shit! If that weren’t enough on the sexy Kalinda scale, her relationship with Cary just gets more and more fabulous. They hardly had any time together this week, but their mutual respect, sexual chemistry, and affection were utterly apparent. The look on Cary’s face when he called “Miss Sharma” into his office so that his investigator friend could question her was classic. I also appreciated that at various points during the episode, someone called Kalinda his girlfriend and Blake called Cary her boyfriend. Actually, I think that was Blake for both… Final Kalinda revelation of the evening? She’s officially bisexual. It’s what I had always assumed, but never had confirmation.

Thing I Never Would Have Notice If People Hadn’t Pointed it Out: “Phoned” on The Good Wife
I’ve seen every episode of this show and had never noticed that they say “phoned” instead of “called” until someone mentioned it online. Now I can’t not notice it. Thanks a million, random online person. Apparently the regional colloquialisms of the showrunners’ hometown tend toward using “phoned” rather than the more common verbs. Whatever the reason, it sticks out like a sore thumb now, and… it just occurred to me that I have just done to everyone who reads this blog what was done to me... Sorry about that. Now we can all notice it together. Drinking game, anyone?

Best Reason to Lie: Will on The Good Wife
Sorry, last Good Wife award, I promise. I know people were bummed that Alicia finally asked him about the phone call and he lied about it, but really, people, what would you have done? What message did I leave ages ago? Well, I poured my heart out, declared my love, then thought you had rejected me fully, so I forced myself to get a new girlfriend that no one likes… but, now that you ask, wanna make out? Yeah, no. He had to lie, people. I certainly would have.

Most Underwhelming Return of a “Friend”: Mr. Sunshine
I like Matthew Perry well enough, but his new show ain’t so sunny… It’s a shame really, because it has a stellar cast. It just doesn’t seem to have any plot or actual humor—which is kind of a problem for a comedy. The whole thing was basically one lame set-up after another for Perry to snarkily comment on. Um, yay?

Sharpest Shooter: Tim Gutterson on Justified
His character was a sniper with the military (I believe he was with the Rangers), and it's clear to see. This show does an amazing job of infusing the deliberate pace with some truly shocking events. It's amazing how good Raylan is at manipulating bad guys... even convincing them to peek out from behind their cover to see Tim... who summarily shoots him between the eyes. Wowzers/yikes.

Best Reason to Read the Effing Directions: The Vampire Diaries
Seriously people? You’re trying to kill the unkillable, you have a manual telling you how to do so, and it didn’t occur to you to read the instructions in full before proceeding?! Oh, for hell’s sake. Don’t get me wrong, it made for an especially exciting and twisty episode, what with having to kill Elijah several times, but honestly, Elena, try finishing the page next time.

Most Welcomed Return: Katherine on The Vampire Diaries
I kinda sorta adore Katherine and it’s about damn time she made it out of the tomb. Elena is as bland as it gets, so it’ll be nice for Nina Dobrev to have something to do other than pout.

Most Sub-Par Spin-Off: Criminal Minds: Suspect Behavior
I had never realized just what a tenuous success the original version was. Apparently, if you take the exact same show, but swap out most of the characters, you’re left with an ersatz cheesefest that was surprisingly boring. The original version works well because of the character dynamics, the direction, the injections of levity, the overall style, and the professionalism. Remove all those elements and you get the spin-off before you. The characters were mostly boring and formulaic. Forrest Whitaker heads this “Red Cell” branch of the BAU and brings very little to the role. I didn’t find him interesting, commanding, or capable of leading anyone. He also sounded like he was suffering from congestive heart failure for the better part of the episode, which made it even harder to believe him as the dynamic leader of the group. Mandy Patinkin brought so so much to the table with the early seasons of Criminal Minds, and here, Whitaker just bored me to tears. What’s worse, his supporting players were just as unengaging. I’ve always been a fan of Jeanine Garafalo, and she was certainly one of the better aspects here, but she still fell a bit flat for me. On top of it all, this show had an eye-rolling about of grandstanding and soapboxing about trust and justice and blah, blah, blah. One the most compelling aspects of the original is that they let the events speak for themselves. I don’t need someone to tell me that these unsubs are horrendous monsters, but Suspect Behavior sure seems to think we do. Maybe it’s simply that I’ve seen too many episodes of the original to take a spin-off seriously. They have the exact same job. It’s hardly even a spin-off. The only ways in which they reinvented the wheel here was to make things worse. This is area that has been covered so many times on the original that there’s hardly room to grow. The original crew has solved just about every conceivable case at this point, and it getting tired in its own right. A spin-off was unnecessary and nigh impossible to do right. Case in point, the case-of-the-week for the Suspect Behavior pilot was beyond lame. The original could get away with something like this because they’ve already covered so much ground, but with these new people, I was rolling my eyes. Also, having seen so many of these, there are very few surprises these days. Little blonde girl goes missing… my first thought? The unsub is a white male in his thirties with a large vehicle. After more info is revealed about his pattern? Well, he must be using these girls as a surrogate for someone he lost. This is not my first rodeo. It’s no viewer’s first rodeo. After this long, it’s the characters that keep a show going, and Suspect Behavior didn’t have anyone I liked (or at least they weren’t showcased in a way that made me want to care about them). I’d recommend sticking with the original. Suspect Behavior wasn’t the worst pilot I’ve ever seen or anything, but it’s inferior to the original in basically every way. Also, it has 100% less Dr. Reid, so really, what’s the point?

Best Reconciliation: Michael and Nikita
Man alive, I was wondering when he’d finally forgive her for that Uzbekistan episode, and now we seem to be there. Watching them work together is one of the best parts of the show, so having him hate her with a passion threw a bit of a wrench into the works (or a claymore, as it were).

**Quotes of the Week**

“You can’t beat karate when it comes to regulated, sanctioned violence for children.”
--Debbie, who seems to be the bearer of most of the great one-liners on Shameless. Now if we could only get rid of Carl, the cause of this particular one-liner, the show would be all the better for it. Get rid of Frank, too. You know, while you’re at it.

“She says she wants a gift that says, ‘I love you,” but nothing that says, 'I love your more than life itself, please don’t leave me or I may die.’”
--Castle, summing up Alexis’ gift-giving conundrum. It’s a delicate balance each Valentine’s shopper aims for, but few succeed. You see, that’s why you simply have no life. No one to shop for = No chance of a social faux pas.

Will: “Who can tell us what an anthem is?”
Brittany: “The bottom of an ant’s pants.”
Will: “So close.”
--Glee, placing the comedic weight squarely on Brittany’s shoulders more and more often.

“Who is Bram Stoker. (I, for one, welcome our new computer overlords.)”
--Ken Jennings, summing up what the audience at home was thinking throughout the entire IBM Jeopardy challenge with a Simpsons reference in his final answer. Nice.

Mitchell: “Well, also, it’s a princess theme party, so I guess you just don’t respect party themes.”
Cam: “You did not just say that!”
Mitchell: “I’m sorry, that was crossing the line.”
Cam: “Yes, it was.”
--Modern Family

“That’d be a neat trick, escaping the past.”
--Helen on Justified, who clearly watches the show she’s in.

“Me and Abed have an agreement. If one of us dies, we stage it to look like a suicide caused by the unjust cancellation of Firefly. We’re gonna get that show back on the air, buddy!”
--Troy on Community, with probably the best death plan ever conceived by anyone in the history of the world. I think all Whedonverse fans were like, “Why didn’t I think of that!?” I’m glad we’re all on the same page now.

“Yes. Yes. I would examine very closely Fox’s reasoning — I’m a little gun-shy. If I got $300 million from the California Lottery, the first thing I would do is buy the rights to Firefly, make it own my own, and distribute it on the Internet.”
--Nathan Fillion, responding to the question: If Castle had its series finale tomorrow and Fox said to you and Joss: “We screwed up, let’s try doing Firefly again.” Would you do it? Good answer, Mal. Actually, incredibly cruel answer, Mal. Way to get our hopes up with the best plan ever. Maybe Troy and Abed can help…

“Yes, I'm guilty, lawyer man. You found it. Malice. This whole movie was my attempt at getting back at the Internet. Take that, Internet.”
--A fictional screenwriter on The Good Wife, defending his Social Network-esque script.

“I for one hope GLEE's meticulously crafted storylines won't suffer as a result of FX picking up a new drama from Ryan Murphy #sarcasm”
-- theTVaddict, via twitter, expressing my thought exactly regarding Ryan Murphy’s new project. Usually when a showrunner takes on a new show, the old one suffers, but with Glee? I’m not sure that’s even possible from a narrative standpoint… I’m much more afraid of The Vampire Diaries’ showrunners picking up a new series…

“Set phasers to LOVE ME!”
--Troy on Community, once again, expressing his desperation to gain LeVar Burton’s approval with the funniest line I’ve heard in ages. I’m giggling just thinking about it.

“You want it? Take it. It’s yours. And after what you did to Damon, you’re gonna need it more than me.”
--Alaric on The Vampire Diaries, requeathing his ring-of-no-dying back to John, with one tinsy weensy caveat.

“Nerds like rejection. See, their thinking is, if she’s interested in you, there must be something wrong with her.”
--Birkoff, on Nikita. Well, that explains a lot about my high school dating record...

Week-In-Review 2.2

It's that magical, magical time again. I'm not sure what it is, but this seemed like a really long week. I choose to blame some sort of space time anomaly on the length of this post... In related news, Dear Blogger, try to suck less. Sheesh.

Biggest Fumble: Glee’s Superbowl Episode
What the hell was that? Some people were reasonably pleased with the much-hyped post-superbowl Glee episode, but I was completely underwhelmed. I’m sorry, but who the hell put Ian Brennan in charge of their biggest episode ever?! Ian Brennan equals: bad songs, no discernable storyline or plot development, but good one-liners. He can’t be trusted with any episode, let alone the most watched one ever. Sheesh. As far as Brennan’s episodes were concerned, it was fine I guess (better than Funk at any rate), and it had its fair share of classic one-liners, but as is so often the case with Brennan’s episodes, I kept getting the feeling that Brennan doesn’t actually watch the show. All of a sudden Sue is asking the girls to put chicken cutlets in their bras when a few episodes back she was demoting Santana to the bottom of the pyramid for implants? Uh, okay? What’s worse, the songs in Brennan’s episodes almost never have anything to do with the story, which we all know I hate. I wouldn’t say it was a bad episode exactly, but it sure as hell isn’t the one I’d put in front of new viewers. Seriously, show of hands: Everyone who’s sick to death of the whole Glee vs. Football ridiculousness? Half the effing team is in the Glee club. I think even a bunch of dumb jocks would have let it go already. Not that I’m hoping they shift their abuse to the debate team… we have enough problems already.

Oddest Choice: Glee
Speaking of Glee and fumbles, why the hell did Fox choose Glee for its post-superbowl extravaganza? It’s not like the show needs the ratings. Another certainty is that anyone who doesn’t already watch Glee probably has a reason for that… I can only imagine the reaction a bunch of middle-aged male football nuts had upon seeing Glee on their screens and the horror at not being able to find the remote. What would have been the better choice, the smarter choice, the better-than-a-snowball’s-chance-in-hell-of-having-some-demographic-overlap choice, would be The Chicago Code. It could certainly have used the viewers and might even have sparked a new hit.

Funniest Ruse: Mama and Daddy Cannon on Glee
I know, I know, Glee has made a comeback to the blog in a major way. Even if the episode itself wasn’t a homerun, it still had some great moments. Sue’s entire ruse to get Brittany into the cannon was hilarious, but when she told her that Mama Cannon has fibromyalgia, so she can’t work, I complete busted up. Poor, sweet Brittany. With two little cannons at home and a baby cannon on the way, she couldn’t not get herself killed.

Best New Show: The Chicago Code
Hands down, best new pilot of the midseason, one of the best new pilots of the year, and easily one of the best shows on network TV. Here’s hoping it keeps the awesome going.

Most Conflicted Kiss: Ted and Zoey on HIMYM
I think I’m about as conflicted with this one as the characters were. Don’t get me wrong, anything that possibly gets us closer to finding the mother gets a gold star in my book after 6 seasons, but as far as potential candidates goes, Zoey ("What is that, short for Zoseph?") isn’t at the top of my list. At this point, I’ll take what I can get though. She’s nice enough, and is getting a lot better. I’ll side with the twitterverse on this one, “True on all counts. RT @hitfixdaniel: Zoey became likable once #HIMYM abandoned her character & [wrote] her as "Jennifer Morrison is cute."” Here here!

Best Guest Star: Denis O’Hare for The Good Wife
The Good Wife always seems to have awesome guest stars, and Michael J. Fox is great and all, but Denis O’Hare’s turn as Judge Abernathy is one of my favorites. Not quite as fantabulous a character as vampire king Russell Edgington on True Blood, but O’Hare is great in anything. “And now for the weather. Tiffany?” Best of all? Judge Abernathy was promoting a blood drive. Hehe.

Worst Guest Star: Katy Perry for… does it really matter?
It was HIMYM, if you must know, but frankly, it doesn’t really matter what show she was in. She’s takes the cake. “Oh, honey,” indeed. Her “acting” was, well… well, you saw the quotation marks, right? Baaaaaad (and not in a cute, sheep kind of way). Let’s just she somehow managed to make playing herself look difficult.

Most Unfortunate and Entirely Undeserved Promotion: Hilarie Burton on White Collar
Ugh. Of all the people who did not need to be made a series regular, she’s pretty much the whole list. What’s worse, it’s not like they didn’t have better options. Alex is sitting right there and is infinitely better than Hilarie any day of the week. I’m sorry, but as far as I’m concerned, anyone who’s ever spent any time on One Tree Hill should automatically be restricted from appearing on anything else. And this is regarding a show that has a Saved By the Bell alum! I think it’s safe to say she’ll be the new love interest in Neal’s life, which means that Compazine will be the new love in mine. Geez, just when I heralded this show for doing things so very right this season, they go and screw things up. Boo. The writers of this show apparently don't understand chemistry because they also seem to think that Neal and Kate had any sizzle at all.

Most Underused Asset: Elizabeth on White Collar
The writers only occasionally incorporate Elizabeth into the A-plot (although it seems to be ever-increasing), but when they do, she’s solid gold.

Shadiest Dealings: Bond on The Good Wife
Spywaring your colleagues, eh Bond? Well, retribution is at hand. That’ll learn you to cross Will and Diane, but mostly it serves him right after screwing over Kalinda. That’s just beggin’ for punishment. The web keeps getting more and more tangled and I keep getting more and more delighted. Such a great show. How much did you love Will and Diane’s low-five? Classic.

Most Embarrassing Musical Number: Blaine singing “When I Get You Alone” to Captain Gap
It’s a pretty high bar, what with two episodes of Glee this week, but wow… that was painful and more than a wee bit creepy. I love Blaine, and I always enjoy his renditions of songs, but that Gap ad was truly unfortunate. I realize that that’s exactly what the writers were going for, but wow. I watched the better part of it through a gap in my fingers. In related news, poor Kurt. Quick note, this was a Ryan Murphy episode (which equals: kind of ridiculous with way too many songs, operating in some sort of parallel universe that resets after each episode), but that means that we should be due for a Brad Falchuk soon! Falchuck equals: appropriate number of songs, well-integrated into a story that actually makes sense. God I hope we’re due for one of those, because otherwise we might need to break up… I should clarify, I wasn’t over the moon with “Silly Love Songs”, but it was still better than the superbowl episode by a long shot.

Badass-iest Return: Justified
It’s been nearly a year, but it was well worth the wait. Picking up right where season 1 left off, season 2 kept pace, tied up some loose ends, and sparked a new season with a hell of a lot of panache. With Bo Crowder biting the big one last year, I wasn’t too sure where the show would go with season 2, but it’s even more awesome than I would have guessed. Enter the Bennett clan, stage (er, moonshine still) left. After killing off most of the season 1 baddies in the aptly titled Bulletville (it’s more than geography, it’s a way of life), they’ve seamlessly and brilliantly added a whole new crew of potential foes with a Hatfield/McCoy vibe to them that I’m absolutely loving. Matriarch Mags heads the family and is certifiably badass enough to tackle just about anything, methinks. That closing scene between her and Loretta’s father was hard core. And seriously disturbing. To go toe-to-toe with Raylan, you’ve got to be pretty intense and terrifying, and Mags excels at both, all while plying her guests with homemade Apple Pie Moonshine. She somehow balances warm and motherly with ruthless and deadly from one moment to the next. It’s disarming and scary and fabulous. She’s a force to be reckoned with, and if the previews for the rest of the season are any indication, Raylan does a hell of a lot of reckoning. I love the pace and tone of this show. It’s unlike just about any other show on the air. The writers brilliantly opened this season with a quick trip to Miami (not only harkening back to the pilot, but once again establishing Raylan as a wild west gunslinger, not a metropolitan police officer) which gave audiences a few minutes of what they’re so accustomed to seeing on TV, then switching gears and shipping us back to Kentucky where things are a bit slower, a lot less flashy, and far more grounded. Seeing Raylan in a setting like Miami is always a bit of a shock. He’s almost like an anachronism amid the scantily clad bikini models and million dollar mansions. He’s offered the chance to return to Miami, but Raylan, like the audience, can see that that’s no place for him. One of the things I love most about this show is that it delivers a different brand of good and evil. The good guys and bad guys on this show are just as serious as those on any other show, but the stakes seem a lot more genuine here. There’s no pomp and circumstance, no flashy car chases or slick costumes, it’s a glimpse at a very different culture than we usually see on TV. Indeed, more often than not, rural or Southern characters on any other show are often portrayed as backwater fools who don’t know a damn thing. That’s not really the case and Justified knows it. This show has an entirely different flavor than anything else I watch and gives its characters a whole other world to inhabit. I’m not sure how Boyd is going to factor into this season exactly, but I can’t wait to find out. The thought of him, Raylan, and Mags waging war with one another has me positively giddy. Matt Roush, my favorite critic and my superior in every conceivable way sums it up far better than I can, saying, “Justified is expert at taking the audience by delightful surprise, lulling you with its laid-back attitude, only to jolt you off the couch with a shock of grisly mayhem. But unlike many of its dramatic FX peers, the tone isn't gloomy or nihilistic or cynical. It's a blast.” Agreed. Let the family feud begin!

Crossover I Most Want to See: Raylan Givens makes a quick trip to Miami and has a mojito with Michael Westen
Man alive, it seems so completely absurd an idea because Miami and Kentucky may as well be on different planets, but that’s a meeting I’d pay good money to see.

Hottest and Most Ridiculous Retail Item in Mystic Falls: Scarves
Seriously, I just need to set up a boutique outside the Salvatore mansion and rake in the cash. “Can I interest you in something from our Animal Attack collection or the equally popular My Boyfriend Drank a Pint of My Blood but I Don’t Remember It line?” At least in Bon Temps people actually noticed the prevalence of scarves and called it into question. In Mystic Falls, scarves are basically the new black. Every single season. I have to wonder why Damon doesn’t bite people in less conspicuous places…

Best Way to Ruin a Dinner Party: Imply that the hostess is a prostitute...
Michael, I realize you’re trying to protect Alex on Nikita, but I can’t imagine it’s going to do a whole lot for her cover ID for her neighbors to think she’s a hooker. You know, because that’s not a profession that begs any questions at all. It also makes for the worst dinner ever. “Tonight we’ll be having seared awkward with a side of steamed uncomfortable…”

Quotes of the Week:

“They needed to think of something cooler than ‘Red Matter’ to be the main widget this time around. There were a few dozen meetings involved before they came up with Blue Chocolate, which has half the calories and can turn planets into marzipan. Mmm... marziplanets.”
--io9.com, making up reasons why the Star Trek 2 script isn’t done yet.

“Just knowing your tits are trying to kill you? That’s gotta suck.”
--Frank, from Shameless, trying to be sensitive at a cancer support group, and kinda sorta failing.

“Just in time for an April 1 release? RT @james_hibberd: 'Arrested Development' creator: Movie may be out this year.”
--via Twitter, courtesy of TVWithoutPity. I’ll just file this one under “Sad, but probably true.”

Quinn: “I’m torn.”
Santana: “Well, I’m not.”
Brittany: “I’m Brittany.”
--For all of Glee’s faults, and there are a lot of them, Brittany’s deliveries make the one-liners pure gold.

“I don’t want to die yet. At least not till One Tree Hill gets canceled.”
--Oh, Brittany, I should certainly hope OTH gets canceled before you do.

“Blaine and I love football. Well, Blaine loves football. I love scarves.”
--I'm guessing Kurt hails from Mystic Falls originally...

“On TV was a typical Mystic Falls local news broadcast. After several dead bodies had been found THAT MORNING, it seems the authorities had decided to skip the whole homicide investigation part and gone directly into memorial service mode. Fair enough. Nothing unusual about a bunch of dead bodies turning up. More animal attacks probably. At this point the town is just like, ‘Well, the animals are in charge now. Moving on.’"
--Price Peterson for TV.com, regarding the rash of dead bodies on The Vampire Diaries and the total apathy attached. In the chronology of the show, the entire series has taken like, a couple of months maybe? And at least 87 have died. They must have a hell of a lot of people moving to Mystic Falls on a regular basis or they’d have run out by now. I guess with all the death there were be more than a few jobs open… Hey, it's a tough economy out there, people.

Castle: “Get out of town, he’s right down the crater from me!”
Beckett: “Why doesn’t is surprise me that you have property on the moon?”
--I like to think he made a few celestial investments back on that “show [he] used to love.”

“He also told me, you poke a bear, you better have a shotgun pointed at his face.”
--Jarek, from quality new Monday night option The Chicago Code. That line pretty much sums up the show. You take on a corrupt political infrastructure, you better be prepared.

“I think I’ll overrule that on absurdity alone.”
--Denis O’Hare as Judge Abernathy on The Good Wife, hilariously shooting down Michael J. Fox in one of the best courtroom scenes to date.

Peter: [scoffs] “What was my nickname? Burke the Jerk? [pause] Oh, come on!”
Neal: “You tell me what else rhymes with Burke.”
Peter: “Work. Lurk. Smirk. Clerk works…”
--Hehe, oh White Collar, I love it that Peter’s name for Neal was James Bonds, completely badass and something Neal would love, and Neal’s name for Peter was so simple and insulting. Awesome.

Brittany: “Maybe try rocking back and forth, people do that in movies.”
Santana: “I just try to be really really honest with people when I think that they suck. You know?”
--Ryan Murphy episodes of Glee always seem to have an undercurrent of mean, which is actually the best part. And hey, honesty is the best policy… or whatever.

“It’s the boat buying event you’ve been waiting for!”
--I accidentally watched some commercials the other day. Good thing, or I might have missed the nautical retail event of the century! For thousands of years my people have waited for this day…

“Just ‘cause I’ve shot the occasional person doesn’t make me a thief.”
--Raylan Givens on Justified, explaining that his proclivities tend toward the deadly, not thieve-y.

Troy: “Why does being a librarian make her even hotter?”
Abed: “They’re keepers of knowledge. She holds the answers to all of our questions like, who will I marry, and… why are there still libraries.”
--Community, as ever, asking all the right questions.