Gee, your blood smells terrific!

Disclaimer: The following review is pretty critical and fairly mocking. I have to preface it with the fact that I did enjoy reading the book, even if it really wasn’t very good. When I take it for what it is, a vampire love story aimed at junior high kids, it really wasn’t that bad either. I can’t hold it to the same standards that I would other books and when I remind myself that the author wasn’t exactly aiming for me, it makes the whole thing seem a lot better. It’s a guilty pleasure. And it sucks you in. And I’m actually pretty interested to see what happens in the next volume, so my critique will invariably loses some of its muster. Also, sadly, this is going to be an insanely long post. It has turned into the longest blog post in the history of the free world. Brace yourselves. It also gets pretty spoilery, so proceed with caution. Anyway…

Wow. Where to begin. So I polished off Twilight in considerably less time than I’d anticipated. It’s rare that one comes across a book where you can read like, 110 pages an hour (and that’s not exactly a compliment…). Don’t get me wrong, it was nice to have a quick, easy read that I could breeze through in just a couple of sittings, but the speed with which one can read it speaks volumes to its lack of depth. I tell ya what, wow. It kept me interested and all, but I could sum up the entire novel in five sentences and not leave anything out. I got to the end and it was like, “Annnnnd, we’re done. Really? We’re done? O-kaaay…” The book wasn’t exactly brimming with the subtlety, sub-text, and incisive character profiles that other authors seem to have to wrestle with (those poor saps). Didn’t anyone tell the other authors out there that you really don’t need to try that hard to write an international best-seller? You fools!

Huh, two paragraph in and I still don’t know where to begin. There’s just so much to discuss, sadly. I guess the most logical place to start is with a gripping discussion of the nature of love and the power it has to overcome all obstacles; the awe-inspiring connection between these two lost souls, who, after searching and searching, finally found each other in a triumphant, exhilarating convergence that…that…!—Oh, who does Stephanie Meyer think she’s kidding. I just read 500 pages of this “love” story and still don’t buy it. When pale, marbly skin and delicious-smelling T-cells are the sole basis for the great love affair of a novel, well, let’s just say it makes the vampires and werewolves pretty damn believable by comparison.

Speaking of delicious-smelling T-cells… Oh, Bella. Ya just didn’t get any better, did you… And, from what I hear, only gets worse in the coming installments. “Yaaaay…” she groaned. Oh, I’ll read them all right, and I’m sure I’ll get just as sucked in and the first, but seriously? Astronomical book sales are no excuse for a crappy heroine... Okay, raise of hands (and I fully expect you to raise your hands, even while sitting at your desks, people): Who all wanted to smack Bella around a little bit every time she pathetically and panickedly pleaded (there was a two-for-one sale on alliteration—even non-words) with Edward, “PUH-LEEEASE DON’T LEAVE ME!!!”?

Hang on, let me count… okay, is that everyone? Erika, you’re with me? Annie? I see you and Ben 2 are on the same page even though he hasn’t read the books (and I can’t say I’m surprised)… No, Anna, you do not get to vote twice (i.e. put Grant’s hand down—he won’t have read them for a least a year). And everyone else? Good. Man alive, what a pathetic, whiny, NEEDY, weak, swoony (i.e. one inclined to swooning, of course), ridiculous, delusion damsel in CONSTANT distress!!! Grow a backbone! Geez, I think she single-handedly moved the women’s movement back a few dozen steps (well, not single-handedly, I mean we have Paris and Lindsay and Britney (Oh, my!)). Okay… maybe I’m being too harsh. I can think of dozens of ways in which she could have been worse… Okay, so none are coming to mind at the moment, but I’m sure they exist… As sure as I am that [with mock earnestness] the immortal, unbreakable love between Bella and Edward will live on… and on… AND ON! [Insert image of me with one hand outstretched the heavens while Celine Dion-esquely pounding the other hand (now fisted) to my chest (face all construed in zealous, inspirational fervor, of course).]

Okay, wow, just had to get that off my chest (it was forced out by my Celine Dion move—ouch…). Now for a real assessment of our narrator. As crazy as she drove me at times, I’ll admit that I didn’t completely hate her. BUT, and it’s in caps for a reason, it feels like the author went to great lengths to make her as unlikable as was humanly possible. It’s to her credit (discredit?) as a mediocre author that I didn’t totally hate her, because it wasn’t for want of effort. It’s one thing to construct a flawed protagonist. Indeed, to have a completely perfect character would also be problematic (see below, subpart “Edward”). Every character needs flaws and sometimes they need a whole lot of flaws (is Dr. House in the house?), but they also need assets, and that is where Bella seems to be seriously lacking. It would be fine for Bella to be plain if it were offset by cunning. It would be fine for her to be klutz if she were also talented in some non-physical way (artistic or something). Even her neediness would be forgivable if she were snarkily entertaining (no seriously, Dr. House?). But for Bella to seriously have nothing going for her, it makes it incredibly difficult to root for her. That the only thing she has in her life, the most important thing in the world to her, the reason she goes on living, is some guy she met a few weeks ago, kind of comes as an annoying slap in the face. The author has imbued our little narrator with no redemptive qualities: no drive, no passion (other than a passion for pasty skin), no inherent skill or talent, and then tries to convince us that the most perfect being ever in creation is in love with her. Boy, those T-cells must be positively aromatic! Geez, even if she just had one single quality that made her in any way interesting, unique, or talented, the reader could latch on to that and form a connection. As is, not only do I not relate to Bella, but I sure as hell don’t want to either!

On that note, I have heard from various people that the author specifically didn’t describe Bella very well because she wanted readers to form their own conception of who she is and be able to relate to her. Well, that backfired. At least for me it did. I spent the bulk of the novel trying to conceptualize someone who could be so completely devoid of appealing qualities and yet somehow be this ravishing creature with whom everyone was utterly enamored. Okay, I can spin the truth better than just about anyone and can convince people of just about anything if I want to, and I still couldn’t make a case here. In my mind, I had to continually make her more cunning and clever and captivating (the alliteration sale goes through Saturday) than the author made her out to be. It was the only way I could piece the story together in a logical way, and let me tell ya, it got kind of exhausting. I just can’t fathom why on earth the author would have made such a choice. I want to think that she’s trying to juxtapose the common banality of human existence with the poetic perfection (buy now!) of the vampires, but by going to such absolutes, the comparison loses its subtlety and the impact rings false and implausible. It isn’t built-up or explored, it’s just thrown right in your face, wasting its effect in one fell swoop. Every mention thereafter is repetitive and in no way illuminating. “Yeah, yeah, we get it. She’s pathetic. He’s perfect. We know.”

As I mentioned earlier, however, somehow, in spite of the author’s tremendous efforts, I didn’t totally hate Bella. I don’t think I’d have cared to finish the novel if I had. I think Bella’s primary redemptive quality is that she’s actually pretty self-aware. She’s as bewildered as the reader as to why Edward would give her a second glance. She seems abundantly aware of the fact that she’s not exactly a winner (more of a “sweet spirit,” if you will) and despite Edward’s near constant assertions that she doesn’t see herself accurately, I think she does. That’s where I had to give her some credit. I still would have greatly preferred she had some quality, some special asset, something that sets her apart from the rest. Other than smelling great. And somehow blocking Edward’s mind-reading. There’s the foundation for a long-lasting attraction… Oy.

Which brings me to subpart Edward. Oh, Edward. Whatever are you thinking? Edward is painted as this infallible, god-like, angel of all things perfection and yet he’s obsessed with Bella? Am I the only one who sees a disconnect there? Do I need to take another vote? Geez, even Bella would be on my team, in that case… I guess Edward isn’t totally perfect when you take into account his taste (heh) in women, but still, author? You couldn’t have given him any flaws? I enjoyed Edward’s character, don’t get me wrong (I mean seriously, having Cedric Diggory taking the reins would make just about any role fairly captivating), but I really think he would have been more interesting if he’d had some short-comings. And no, his struggle not to drain Bella at a moment’s notice doesn’t really count in my opinion. It definitely makes the story more intriguing that he struggles with that, but it’s not really an inherent flaw and he totally overcomes it in no time at all.

I guess my main quibble with Edward’s perfection is a quibble with Stephanie Meyer’s conception of vampire legend overall. As far as the lore behind mythical, incredible beings like vampires, werewolves, and even superheroes is that they have extraordinary gifts, but also extraordinary restrictions. There’s always something that can defeat them. Vampires can’t go out in the daylight, werewolves have the whole moon conundrum to deal with, kryptonite brings down the indestructible hero… But with Stephanie Meyer’s construction, Edward and his fellow vamps really don’t have anything that can destroy them (aside from apparently being torn apart and burned, which, o-kay…). I hate to think that she did this so that it could be his love for Bella that is his only Achilles heel, but I fear that was the intention. I can see where she made this call, wanting his love for her to be more dangerous, more powerful, and more of a litmus test for his commitment, but it also makes Bella seem even more pathetic and unlikable and Edward seem even more inexplicably idiotic. I think it would have been far more interesting to retain some of the vampire lore that existed previously. Meyer’s take on the concept all seems a little too convenient.

I genuinely thought she was retaining the “vampires can’t go out in direct sunlight” concept until the rather unfortunate “date” between Bella and Edward in the clearing… Thicket? Meadow? Whatever. Okay, not only does Edward not burst into flames as all good vampires would, but rather, he glistens? Seriously? That’s why he can’t go out in the sun?! “No, Edward! Don’t come out in the sun! You might… sparkle!!!” The first thing that popped into my head was Tobias when he borrowed Lindsay’s diamond dust. That made me think of Bella as the Ann Veal of the novel and for the rest of the book, every time Edward would declare his love for Bella, I couldn’t help but think, “Her? Is she funny or something?” Which then made me think of George Michael telling his dad about the “Mayonegg” (“Isn’t that cute?” “Is it?”) which would invariably crack me up and, uh, kinda, sorta ruin the “tender” moment. In a good way. ;)

Sadly, visions of Arrested Development were the only things that managed to make the sappy, cheesy, embarrassing professions of love a little less cringe-inducing to read. They were still cringe-inducing, don’t get me wrong, but I could at least distract myself with the Bluth family to ease the pain. Oh, the pain. The would-be love scenes made me feel like I was watching a Lifetime, made for TV movie (The Vampire in My Heart: One Girl’s Tale of Obsession and Sparkles), with the kind of scenes where I simply have to change the channel till it’s over. Yes, I would rather hear all about how “comcastic” my cable service can be rather than watch the awkwardidity. After this actually happened a few times, where I’d be compelled to change the channel to anything and end up on a Comcast commercial, I now lovingly refer to such scenes as “comcastic.” Twilight had more than its fair share of comcastic events, and yet I had no channel to change! I would end up cringing a bit, slightly closing the book, and then peeking at the page with an askance glance to scan for comcastic words and phrases… It worked most of the time, but that whole scene where she wakes up in her bedroom and he’s still there was just unavoidable. Prom as well. Oh, geez, with her standing on his feet! Oh, stop it! You’re embarrassing me! [Sorry, I was re-living it… Post-traumatic stress…] I really just had to power through those scenes… Sheesh.

Okay, I think that’s all the discussion I can muster regarding our two leads. Moving on! Although, let’s face it, there isn’t a whole lot to move on to… Whiny McFallsalot and Sparkles von Pastyface are so entirely, so exclusively focused on that the other characters in the book are hardly explored at all. Truly, some potentially captivating characters get the shaft. I don’t care about Bella’s father, or her mother (a point which makes it kind of hard to fear for her life toward the end—Renee who?), and it feels like I probably should if I’m going to sympathize with Bella’s choices during the third act. Her mother is hardly mentioned at all, other than vague references here and there, and her father is off fishing 80% of the time. In general, that would be fine, but when the whole third act revolves around Bella’s fears for her parents and the bad decisions that fear leads her to, I think it would have been much more successful if the reader really cared about these people. I would have had a much easier time seeing Bella's point of view if I were as concerned for these people as she claimed to be. From all accounts, the only person whose safety she really worries about is Edward, so when she’s pleading to return home to protect Charlie and running off to save her mother, Bella herself is the only one who’s really concerned, and the reader is just along for the ride.

I truly didn’t concern myself with Bella’s parents too much, and was fine with that for the most part, but I genuinely would have liked to have learned more about Edward’s little clan. I have no doubt they’ll be more illuminated in the volumes to come, but that doesn’t excuse ignoring them in volume one. For the most part, each of the vamps got a little bit of back-story and a little bit of action, but it’s the intra-family dynamic that strikes me as the most intriguing and was sadly, the most ignored. I think it would have been poetic and powerful (apparently today’s blog is brought to you by the letter “p”) to really explore Edward’s relationship with his family and show why they’re willing to risk everything for his happiness. It’s alluded to and referenced, but without knowing the other vamps, it smacks of plot exposition rather than poignancy. I think it would have been tremendous to build up their characters and then have their devotion to Edward and their concern for his happiness come across without words. I love moments in a story when it suddenly dawns on you what the characters’ motives are and no explanation is necessary. It’s best when it’s subtle. For me at least, that gives it all the more impact. As Twilight is written, however, the vampires’ motives are nothing more than a plot point, a simple device to move the story along, when they could have been so much more. Quite frankly, although Rosalie is depicted as the ice-queen bitch type, she instantaneously became my favorite character with the one and only sentence she speaks in the entire book, “What is she to me? Why are we risking everything for her sake?” What’s this?! Reason?! Logic?! Finally! All hail, ice queen!!! She only has one line, but it’s the only line in the whole book that actually makes sense. The other vamps seem to be as inexplicably enamored of Bella as Edward is and apparently they see her as inaccurately as well. Somehow Emmett seems to think she’s “diabolical.” Wow. Well, he is a big, brawny lug after all… Incisive insights into others probably isn’t his particular bailiwick. Bella is many things (you know, pathetic, needy, etc.), but “diabolical” she ain’t.

Okay, I’m really going to try to wrap this up. It just keeps getting longer and longer. Oy.

So I’m glad to hear that I’m not the only one who was confused by certain parts of the story. The story about Carlisle’s conversion and whatever happened to Alice were the parts that I was most confused by. Which, unfortunately, were two of the parts I was most interested in. After both descriptions I was hit by a “WTF?!” followed by a “Who did what in the where now?” I don’t know who her editor was, but I think she should invest in someone else. I had to re-read those parts a couple of times and I’m still not sure what exactly happened to Carlisle and where Alice was kept or why being in the dark would cause her not to remember the pain of the transition. On a related note, how were the tracker and Alice involved exactly? He bit her, but when? And where was she when this happened? I’m still not sure. Given that it was kind of an important part of the story, I would think it would have been more thoroughly discussed.

Speaking of which, did the whole ending kind of feel Scooby-Doo-esque to anyone else? I kept thinking, “Yeah, and I would have gotten away with it too if it hadn’t been for you meddling vampires ripping me to shreds and burning my dismembered corpse!” Whoa, that took a turn for the worse… Okay, so maybe not totally Scooby-Doo-esque, but close... The big finish was pretty underwhelming and the whole bit wit the VCR felt a little Lois Duncan-y (ahhh, that takes me back). Also, the 45 minute spiel about how he did it and why. I kept thinking, “Oh, you sly dog! You caught me monologuing!” Way to give the good guys plenty of time to catch you, bud. I don’t know, I guess I would have thought a tracker vampire or whatever he was would have come up with something a bit more aggressive and lot less bait and switchy. It just seemed like a bit of a cop-out. “Haha! It was a recording! Fooooled you!” The one redemptive aspect is that Bella felt genuinely relieved that her mother was safe, even if it meant she would soon die a painful death. That was genuinely endearing and really made for the best Bella expression of the book.

In conclusion (I know, finally, right?), I think the best plan of attack is to take the series for what it is. It’s cheesy and not terribly well-written and maybe that’s okay. For the quick, guilty pleasure that it is, it succeeds. As I finished the book, I wasn't swept up with exhilaration like I generally am after finishing a thick novel. It really felt more like the half-hour was over and I’d have to tune in next week for more wacky adventures. I think the real shame is that it could have been really good. I genuinely think this could have turned out to be a great book, but it falls short. Very short. Not that I’m not gearing up to read volume 2 or anything, but I wish I were spending my time on a pursuit that I knew would be rewarding, captivating, and powerful. There really is something to be said for the fact that the book has taken off like it has. That may not mean it’s a great work of literature, but it’s clearly striking a chord with people, and that’s not an easy feat. I guess I was just expecting a little more… which is likely why I’m being so critical.

Here’s hoping the next few books are a little deeper and little less comcastic. I'm not going to count my delicious T-cells until they've hatched... or something...

Overall Grade (taking into account that’s it’s aimed at tweens): C+